#post 15x18

Some things I still can't tell you

Author: andimeantittosting | Artist: sidewinder

Posting on Wednesday March 19

After Cas comes back from the Empty, Dean is determined to show him all the things he can’t say. But after their first night together, he wakes to find Cas gone and seemingly determined to stay that way.

Keep reading for a sneak preview!

i dont even need cas confronting him about it, maybe just silently finding it and having that on his conscious. whether dean knows he knows, because he finds it hanging over his chair and he’s totally sure he didn’t move it, or he doesn’t realize it all but there’s a shift in cas’ demeanour.

It might be in the form of a nightmare, watching over and over again as Cas left him behind, headed to that place where he couldn't follow. Or it might be, in rare, blissful until he wakes up, occasions, just a dream of Cas being around, waiting for him at the kitchen table, back to the door, a coffee pot already waiting for Dean.

And maybe because he is so used to such visions he can tell something is different this time around.

First of all, Castiel, because he knows it's Cas anyway, doesn't look like his usual self. Dean has to crane back his head to be able to see him. Tall as a building, massive wings, three pairs of them, a warm blue glow that reminds Dean of being healed, of his pain being taken away. He can see that, as normal as the rest of his body seems to be, he has three heads, a central one, resembling a humanoid mask, one on each side, a bird he doesn't recognize, a deer.

He doesn't doubt, not even for a second, that this is Cas he is standing in front of, he would recognize him anywhere, his soul would at least, like it is looking at the very being that once cradle it out of Hell.

"Cas?"

I came to say goodbye.

A voice resonates inside his head, it's Castiel, but at the same time it's something unfamiliar, old and sacred.

"You already did, man."

Dean is sure, in a delirious sort of way, that this is real.

It's complicated.

Dean huffs at that, prays he won't wake up, not yet, not ever.

"You told me once humans tend to complicate things, I bet I'll get it."

I'm back, back in Heaven, I mean.

Dean wants to ask for how long has he been back, he wants to smack Cas for not coming around to see him sooner.

They need my help, I ought to make things right.

"You are punishing yourself, that's what you are doing."

Castiel ignores Dean's comment.

I wanted,

A pause, as massive as Castiel himself.

It was selfish on my part to come here, I should have left you alone.

"You came here for a reason, spit it out."

You wanted a life away from all you once ever knew, I am just a reminder of all that pain and blood, Dean.

Dean shakes his head. "Oh fuck off, Cas."

A small, humourless laugh is all the response he gets.

"And what did you want?"

A big sigh echoes inside his head then,

I wanted to see you one last time, let you know I was okay, because I was up there, forcing myself to believe you wouldn't want to know I was back, that you would be angry, that you would refuse to see my face again, and I would have understood that, of course. But part of me knew it was unfair to make you suffer thinking I was gone, forever.

Dean had never lost his hope before when it came to Cas coming back, his faith, but... This time around, he was sure it was over, really over, and he wasn't taking it that well. He is a mess, that's what he is.

"You could have come in person, no need to appear like this, in a dream," Cas was just, scared, and Dean gets it, even if he hadn't been the one that had expose all there was to see to the light, his best kept secret out in the open, "I'm not mad at you, even if you keep dying on me, fuck Cas, I am mad we didn't talk about it sooner, that we were just a couple of stubborn dumbasses."

The laugh he gets now is louder, real and full of warmth.

"I am just happy you are back."

So you ...?

No need for him to finish, Dean knows what he means,

" I want to be face to face when I tell you."

He might as well have punched Cas in the face, it would have made the same pain cloud Cas’ eyes the moment the words left Dean’s mouth. “I’m not going to ask you for anything, Dean,” Cas said quietly.

“Ask me for anything?” Dean echoed. “You dropped that confession on me. You didn’t think about what I wanted. You didn’t give me a chance to-” Dean broke off, trembling. He strode towards Cas, stopping only when they were practically nose to nose. “Fuck you for thinking that you were the only one who could want us.”

Cas blinked in confusion. “What?”

“Ask me for anything,” Dean said. “I’ll give it to you.” Dean took Cas’ hands in his. “Do you still want this?” he asked, their lips were so close. 

“I do,” Cas said in wonder. 

“I love you too,” Dean said before he surged forward, capturing Cas’ mouth with his own. His lips moved down Cas’ neck and his hands gripped at every bit of Cas he could find, reassuring himself that it was real. “Ask me to stop,” Dean whispered into his skin.

“I don’t want to,” Cas answered in a voice that was already on its way to being wrecked. 

“What do you want?” 

“Everything. Anything. You.”

“I’d give you the world if I could,” Dean said.

Headin’ South (NOW COMPLETE)

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Rating: Explicit

Word count: 55,761

Tags: Post-Episode: s15e18 Despair, Post-Episode: s15e19 Inherit the Earth, Post-Canon, Post-Canon Fix-It, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Love Confessions, Comfortably Bisexual Dean Winchester, Dean Winchester Knows What Dean Winchester Wants, Castiel and Dean Winchester Use Their Words, Idiots in Love, Supportive Sam Winchester, Little Shit Sam Winchester, (because COME ON), The Empty Doesn't Take Cas Away, Developing Relationship, surprisingly low angst level for now

Summary: What if after all is said and done, the Empty never takes Castiel away, and now all that's left for the Angel of the Lord is to face the music?

What if all that's left after beating Chuck is a whole world of opportunities, and nothing on the horizon to stop them?

What if after all is said and done, Dean and Cas settle in a relationship they both thought was out of their reach, never mind how much they both craved it?

The soft ending they deserved, and even more so: Freedom.

But it's never that simple... is it?

Besides Cas do you know who also says "I know what I want... but I can't have it" to Dean Winchester, also talking about how they want Dean in a romantic way?

Lisa Braeden!

In 6x04 Dean tells her "ask for something" and she says she can't ask for something because she already knows Dean can't give her what she wants - in her case, what she wants is for him to stop hunting to stay with her. But Sam is back and his mind is fucked so she already knows Dean will never be able to give her that. And Dean also knows that.

So when Cas says he already knows he can't have what he wants it's a huge parallel to Dean once again losing someone he loves for 'being unable' to give them what they need and want. But, in Castiel's case, the one thing he is asking for is to be loved back in a romantic way.

Maybe canon Dean never considered the possibility that Cas could ever love him in that way. Or maybe it wasn't the first time Dean has thought about it (about "experiencing new things... people... in different ways or maybe for the first time ever") but always thought he couldn't give Cas what he needed and wanted: someone soft, someone kind, and most of all is worthy™️ - all things I'm sure Dean Winchester doesn't think he is

But then Cas tells him that all he wants is to be loved, nothing else. it's that easy, that simple. Point A to point B. And, as if it wasn't enough, he reveals that he does think Dean is soft, and kind, and the Worthiest of The Worthy.

Now consider: if the 'ask' is so small and so easy, maybe Dean would be able to give that to Cas after all if he had time.

Hence Dean's little desperate "don't do this"

Because it's a 'not now', 'not like this'. Don't do this - don't tell me it's that simple when you're about to leave forever.

"Heya, Cas." Dean says and smiles.

"Hello, Dean." Cas answered in his deep voice and he can see that Dean began to shiver. "Dean-"

"Cas-" They say at the same time, and then they both laugh shortly. But it's over soon and a deep sadness comes back to Dean's eyes. By seeing that, Cas has to swallow twice as hard as usual. "Cas, buddy, we really need to talk about that goodbye. I mean, what the hell was that? You can't just say something big like you did there and then just disappear."

"Yes, Dean, maybe we need to talk about that goodbye but I have also a question?!" He looks at Dean. "Why am I back? The Empty said it would be final this time."

"What now, Cas? You don't think you deserve to be saved?!" Cas can see the tears in Dean's eyes. He tries to lighten the mood.

"Dean. You can't use my words against me." He tries to laugh but tears are running down Dean's face now. Dean swallows and then bends forward. He frames Cas's face with both of his hands. He goes a bit cross-eyed when he tries to look into Cas's eyes. Their mouths are only a few inches apart.

"Can do, you asshole. Can do." Dean whispers before closing the remaining space. When their lips meet it feels like all the fireworks of the world had gone up at the same time. It's all they ever wanted but it's also not enough. They kiss with hunger, need, passion and all inbetween. Until they need to break apart for air.

"Cas, I love you. Okay? But don't ever do a deal like that again. I can't live without you anymore." Dean says.

"Same goes for you." Cas says. "Seriously, Dean. I love you, you know that. But same goes for you. No dump deal, no reckless fights for you. Deal?" Cas has his hands around Dean's neck by now.

"Geez, Cas. Yes, we have a deal but can you stop talking now? And can we kiss more instead?" Dean's hands are in Cas's hair and when Cas nods, Dean stands up and moves from the chair onto the bed, sitting down on Cas's hips. They both sigh and Cas pulls Dean down so that he's completely covering his body.

Their lips meet in a similar way like before. They kiss like all the pent up tension needs to be released at once, like there is no tomorrow. Cas moves his hands down Dean's spine and then rests them on Dean's hips. He pulls Dean's down and pushes his own up. They both first moan and then laugh breathlessly.

"Cas, we still need to talk", Dean says and Cas nods.

"Sure, Dean. Later." Then he captures Dean's lips again.

When they wake up the next morning, they're sure, there are no fireworks left in the world for decades.

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~ ~ written spontaneously and not betad; english isn't my first language; based on something Jensen and Misha said at JiB11

~ ~ @emotiodeano & @januke & @heller-cockles-truther thank you! 💚💙 you may know your parts. if not, please ask. 😉

“You know how stories always have happy endings? How, in the movies, the bad guy always loses and the heroes walk away, maybe a lil battered and bruised, but they win? They defeat the buy guy, they get the romance, they get everything they set out to achieve, and everything is okay….

“Not this time. Because this…. this is real life. Hell, when have our lives ever been anything except a mess of pain and anguish? Loss after loss.

“But this… I thought this could be different. That we could be different. When you… when you said you love me… that’s the part in the movies where everything stops. The world stops spinning, and it’s just supposed to be the two of us. You lean in, and I pull you closer. We hover, just centimeters apart, knowing the trouble is still right there ready to take us, but it doesn’t matter. I kiss you and you kiss me back. And in a hushed whisper, I tell you that I love you, too.

“That’s how it was supposed to go. The hero gets the devastatingly beautiful person and the kiss…. the kiss melts away all the bad. It seals in every ounce of goodness until that feeling is shared between lips; between souls.

“But… but this isn’t a movie. I didn’t get to kiss you. I didn’t get to confess my love against your lips. You were just… you were gone. You’re still gone.

“Every day I hope the happy ending is right around the corner. We’ve fought out battles, defeated the bad guy, made the world a better place, and yet…. Where is the happy ending? Where is our kiss? Where is the moment you come running down the stairs into my arms and I beg and beg you never to leave me again and you swear you’re staying.

“I can’t keep doing this, Cas. This endless loop. It’s not a movie. It’s not a happy ending. It’s just a never-ending nightmare. Maybe we were never the ‘good guys.’ Because if we were, you’d be here in my arms. You’d tilt your head back and I’d kiss you just because I can’t resist you. And we’d be happy.

“I’m tired, Cas. Tired of losing. Tired of waiting for a happy ending that’s never coming. Can’t you just… come home? We both deserve a win, don’t we? A final win. The final scene of the movie. The happy ending we fought so hard for.

“Come home, Cas. Please? Because I…. I love you.

“I hope you can hear me. Please, Cas? Please. Just hear my prayer. Come home and stay with me. Be mine.