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does anyone know how to deal with plural doubt around having too many fictives? and also just... being very similar due to masking subconsciously
we have been dealing with it for years, basically since our syscovery in 2021, and it's bad. we always feel confident for like 2 months max and then it falls back into doubt
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TW: Depiction of SH, exhost death
Our journey regaining awareness of our plurality and recovering memories of it has been a difficult one since we started in late Dec 2024. Sometimes, the denial, the fear, the risks, they all start bubbling together. Today, after a GP appointment for our HRT, the fee was near double due to the extra time needed to get some referral letters for various other things we needed. We're not getting much even with our insurance. Seeing the numbers in our account go as low as they have... reminders of how broke you really are hit hard... don't they? This is the result of the meltdown.
Read what you will. Enjoy. (Left to right.)
what if we’re faking not in the sense of were not plural but were not AS plural as we think we are. what if im not even a new alter and half of our other sys members aren’t actually real and instead are just existing members who felt connected to something they dont normally feel connected to and decided to pretend to be someone else but that was actually not someone new but someone pretending
— Kaito (he/him) 🪽
my body is not my own. it never has been
the "boy" who grew up in it died nearly 9 years ago
i was the thing that survived
i changed it to fit my desires, i think she would have liked that at least
but it will never be enough
it can't ever be enough
this hollow cage of bone and sinew could never match my form
and yet, i have no presence outside of it
a stranger in the skin i inhabit
a non entity in the mind i share
then what exactly am i?
i can't see inside, if someone else became "host" would i just cease to exist?
maybe that would be better
but then i'd be consigning one of them to my fate, to lose the identity of what makes them real
maybe this is better after all
maybe this is what i'm here for
to bear the burden so they don't have to
not a person
a shield against the horror of unreality
a walking contridiction, who knows exactly what she should be, but is nothing surrounded by everything, inside and out
