#phancest

Dan sat on the end of a cliff, his feet dangling off the edge.  He watched the city he used to love below grow dark with the coming night through his light brown fringe. It had only been six months, six short months, since he had been able to walk freely through those streets. He’s almost forgotten what life before the disease was like.  He exhaled at the small memories he’s kept, his breath a wisp of white smoke in the chilly winter air. Standing up and walking back to the small house he and his step-brother, Phil, occupy, Dan replayed those few memories in his mind. His mom, his friends, his girlfriend; all gone- taken out of his life forever, leaving him alone. Well, not completely alone. He still had Phil. Phil, who’s dad married his mom and made them move to Manchester. Phil, who acted like a child even though he was 14, two years younger than Dan was. Phil, who had eyes so blue you were almost compelled to jump in and swim in them. The ebony hair of his always covering his face, making the blue shine out even more. He was too young to have to lose his parents and be forced into a life of constant terror and bloodshed. Sure, Dan was young too, but he already took care of him and his mother since his father abandoned them when he was 10. Now he cared for him and his newfound baby brother. After Dan’s mother had gotten sick, his step-dad wouldn’t let them near her and stayed with her for most of the day. Dan knew, he had seen it happen before. She wasn’t just sick, she was infected. She would slowly decay and hunger for her own sons, and he knew he should put her out of her misery. But Phil’s dad wouldn’t let him, so he did the only other thing he could do. He ran. Dan took Mr. Lester’s gun and a knife; stuffing them, along with some food, into his leather satchel, woke Phil, and took off into the night. They went to Dan’s girlfriend’s house, hoping to stay there. But, they were too late. She had been bitten by her neighbor and attacked them, almost biting Phil as well. With a tear in his eye and his heart in his throat, he shot her dead. They ran out of town, fighting off friends, classmates, and neighbors who had gone mad with the hunger for human flesh. Many times they had to sleep in empty garbage bins just to keep safe, with nothing but each other to keep warm. Something snapped in Dan then, he was no longer a teenager, no longer a person, he was a hunter. A killer. A survivor. His eyes were no longer the warm, beautiful brown they used to be. There was no spark, no life. He didn’t live, he simply existed. There were times Dan contemplated ending it all, freeing him from this soulless life. But then he’d hear Phil’s scared voice and shaky laugh, the light still bright in his impossibly blue eyes, and he’d know he couldn’t leave him. They were in this together.

He opened the gate they built around their cabin and walked up the stone steps. They had found the cabin in the middle of the woods, covered in spider webs and barely standing. It took them a little over two weeks to fix up and make suitable for living. That was six months ago and now they had adapted to their new life as well as anyone could. Phil was sitting on their creaky floor by the makeshift fireplace they had, lighting some wood to keep warm. He turned to look up at Dan, smiling at him, before going back to the fire. Dan sat across from him and took his satchel off his shoulders, watching the flame’s dancing reflection light up Phil’s eyes. He took out some apples he had picked while roaming through the tall lanky trees surrounding them and handed one to Phil. Phil gladly accepted it, and took a big bite. Dan watched him eat, smiling small, as he nibbled on his own.

“Are you not hungry, Dan?” Phil questioned. Dan shook his head, small sad smile playing on his lips.

“Not really.” Phil gave him a concerned look. “It’s nothing. I’m alright, Phil. Don’t worry. It’s just… Well, it’s Christmas in a few days. I feel bad that we can’t celebrate it.” He hung his down so he didn’t have to look at Phil as he spoke. He owed it to this boy to make the best out of this shitty holiday and being unable to gives him the sickest feeling. Like spoiled eggnog.

“Is that it? Dan, honestly, I don’t care about Christmas! We’ve been over this. I’ve moved on. I thought you had, too. We have each other and we haven’t seen any zombies in almost a month. That’s all that matters.” Phil placed a hand on Dan’s knee to comfort him. His hand was warm despite how cold he was. Dan stared at the pale fingers, thumb moving in gentle, comforting circles against his thigh. He grinned up at his brother, eyes warming up and dimple showing.

“You’re right, Philly. Im sorry, I just wanted you to have a happy holiday.” His smile was weak, but it was genuine. Phil gave his knee a squeeze and finished his apple. He tossed the core to the side and took his jacket off, wrapping it around him and Dan, cuddling into the elder boys side.

“I am happy. I have you, Danny.” Phil looked at him with big eyes and Dan couldn’t help but let his smile crack his face in half. He wrapped his arm around Phil’s waist and held him close, hoping to warm him up with his body heat. Phil rested his head on Dan’s shoulder and closed his eyes, enjoying his brothers closeness. Phil loved Dan, not just as a brother, but as a best friend.  Just being pressed against him made him overflow with joy, nothing but bright smiles and colorful tunes playing in his head. Phil was all Dan had left, and Dan swore he’d never let anything take Phil away from him. They were Terror Twins; two lonely souls wandering this corrupted world. Alone together. And that’s how they liked it.

Still 3 weeks before.

“What should I wear?” I gave up on trying to choose my clothes and went to Dan’s room, to see what he had chosen.

“Anything. Really. It’s not a fancy party, any t-shirt is good” my brother was wearing one of his favourite t-shirts, a Drop Dead one full of cats. I went back to my own room and chose a normal one like he did, and after a few minutes of hair straightening we were ready to leave. We met one of his friends who was very nice and welcoming when we got properly introduced, I had heard of him as he lived down the road. So, until then, everything was fine, but I was still a bit anxious about the whole situation. That was followed by some other introductions when we arrived at Rachel’s house, and again I didn’t feel left out nor uncomfortable, everyone tried their best to make me feel at home and included me in the conversations. It was a small group of 11 people, around 6 girls and 5 boys, and all of them seemed like really good friends. I wanted to make Dan happy so I put some effort into avoiding small talks and keeping conversations although I had no experience at all and looked awkward most of the time. For my surprise, it wasn’t as hard as I was expecting it to be and before I knew it I was laughing and talking to most of my brother’s friends as if I already knew them. It was good to put faces to the people Dan always talked about, and to know what he did when he hung out and left me alone at home. I can’t deny I was scared that some of them could hate me for my sexuality, however none of them insinuated any kind of offense towards me and that made me feel even more relaxed. Obviously, Dan and I couldn’t show any kind of affection and they didn’t know what happened between us. I tried not to get too annoyed when the girls friendly hugged him or got way too close to take a picture or gave him suggestive looks, because as far as they knew it, Dan was an attractiveand single guy. It seemed to me that most of his friends admired him, he was someone who everyone liked, generally cooler than the rest of people for what I saw.

At around 9pm, they decided it was time for the actual party. Once we were outside and walking in the street, my brother held me by the wrist so we’d walk behind the others. “So, was it too bad?” he asked in a low tone so the others wouldn’t hear us. “No, it was fine. Your friends are very nice” I assured him with a smile. “That’s good, I told you. Now, we’re going to an actual party okay, so it’ll be pretty different, there will be a lot of people I don’t even know what will happen and I can’t promise anything, people will mostly get drunk and stuff. You know how it works. We can go home if you want to, and if you want to leave earlier we can” it was cute how he was trying to make me feel comfortable, and I loved him for that. I’d get really angry if he just ignored me.

“It’s fine, we can go. I want to. I’ve never been to something like this. I guess it’s something I should try”

“Great. Let’s get wasted, alright? I’m proud of you for making friends, now my friends are yours as well.” Now we were a few steps behind and the rest of them were too busy talking, so he put his lips in my ear. “You’ll get rewarded for that” he whispered, giving my butt a little slap.

“Dan!” I frowned, scared that his friends would notice.

“Chill, they wouldn’t see it” we walked in silence for a bit more, the only noises in the empty streets were his friends’ voices.

“You do realize that one of those girls has a massive crush on you, right?” I asked him

“Which one?”

“The short one” I discretely pointed at her with my chin.

“Oh. She does, she’s been trying for ages to be honest. Everyone knows. But we’re good friends so I try to keep it that way” he explained.

“I figured” I crossed my arms and kept walking, turning my eyes away from him

“It’s a shame - for her - that I’m too busy being in love with someone else” I could hear the smirk on his lips although I couldn’t see it, and he sounded casual as if he were telling me that we weren’t far from where we were going.

“You’re too cute to be real” I responded, sounding as casual as he did.

“I’m pretty damn real. You know that. You’ve checked many times by touching every single inch of my body” Now he was starting to change his voice, and I knew that tone.

“What are you trying to do?”  I confronted him with a smile.

“Nothing! Just having a casual conversation with my brother.”

“Sure thing. You want something. Are you sure? With all of your friends around?” I teased.

“I don’t want anything! Damn!” he giggled.

“I know your talks, Daniel”

“You need some drinks tonight”

We finally got to a distant part of the town and we could hear the music from outside, although I didn’t think it was crazy enough to bother the neighbors. There were some people on the balcony, and as we walked in we saw that the party had already begun. Everyone held a cup, and people didn’t seem too drunk yet. I’d always seen this kind of party on TV shows and films, but I never knew what it was actually like. The music was loud and I wondered who owned that house, and where were their parents, but that thought quickly left my mind as Dan handed me a beer. I walked right beside my brother as he said hi to some people, some of Dan’s friends that had been with us found other groups so we were just a few boys after some minutes. Drinking alcohol wasn’t a big deal for me so I casually drank it as we stood in a corner.

“This is the time when we’re still too sober to have fun” Dan’s voice was loud so I could hear him through the loud music.

“THE BORING TIME” His friend, Steve, yelled between us. I looked around the place, there were all types of people and I noticed that my brother wasn’t so cool here. At least, he wasn’t the coolest. Most of those people were younger than I was but I also saw some people from my classes or even a bit older. The place got more crowded as the minutes passed; both the lounge and the garden were occupied and the house was huge. Dan and I were talking to his friends, some people who went to say hi to them ended up asking who I was and soon I didn’t feel so out of place – this was different but it wasn’t too bad. My beer was half empty when all of them finished their own, which made me realize that I should drink faster, so I did. After a few beer bottles the girls began dancing in the middle of the place, getting the party actually started. They were laughing and singing and dancing against each other’s bodies as most of the boys simply checked them out from the corners. We went outside and I saw there were two sofas in the garden, which explained the reason why the lounge was so spacious.  There were a bunch of people gathered around a table outside and as we got closer to it, I understood the reason: the vodka bottles were there, as well as some bottles of Coke. I felt happy and included in all of Dan’s conversations, everything started to get easier and more natural as I began drinking stronger drinks.

“Let’s do some tequila shots!” Steve yelled, sounding more excited than a kid opening Christmas presents. That excitement was contagious: I couldn’t help but smile and go with it. Some other guy who I’d never seen poured us what we wanted, singing along to Pitbull as he did. We all grabbed ourselves a lime too. The place was crowded and it wasn’t a fancy tequila shot, it was warm and plain, but we didn’t care because all we wanted was to get drunk.

“Wait, wait, I want one too!” a high pitched voice screamed behind us. I recognized Olivia’s voice, she was one of the girls from Rachel’s house and I dared to say I already considered myself a friend of hers as we had spent some great time talking earlier. “Are you enjoying?!” she asked me with a big smile as she waited for her tequila.

“Yeah sure! It’s awesome!” I answered.

“Alright, together?” she looked at all of us once she had her drink.

“One… Two…” Steve counted. “Three” and we all threw our heads back, drinking it all with a single swig. We sucked on the lemon right after it, it burned my throat but it was a great feeling of an energy boost.

“FUCK YEAH” Steve screamed, making the rest of us laugh. We left the shot cups on the table, and soon they were taken by other people. It seemed like no one gave a fuck and it was a big mess, but it didn’t feel uncomfortable. Dan got other drinks for us, this time vodka carelessly mixed with Coke and ice. We went back to the lounge where everything seemed even crazier, everyone was dancing, jumping, singing, even the boys. I couldn’t dance, and that wasn’t the kind of music I enjoyed, but everything felt so right and suddenly I was dancing with a group of Dan’s friends, and the girls were pulling me by my shoulder  and I was struggling not to drop my drink on the floor. However that drink soon ended and a girl handed me a new one; I didn’t care what it was because she offered and it tasted good and fuck it I wanted to have a good time because this wasn’t something I did very often. I was feeling alive like nothing else mattered, and sometimes Dan wrapped his arm around my shoulder and we danced together like some other boys were doing too. And I realized no one gave a fuck about my sexuality and I shouldn’t feel scared of anything because everyone was drunk too and the beat of the song was way too intoxicating. Rachel, who was dancing with us, appeared with a bunch of shot cups and a bottle of something, and I hadn’t noticed she had left to grab them but there we were, and she was sharing them out. We gathered in a circle and she filled our cups, and then one of the boys counted to three and we all took shots at the same time again. I still wasn’t sure of what that was but I didn’t care, I could feel the alcohol effect already. We kept on drinking, and dancing, and saying things that didn’t make sense. Again, something unexpected happened when a random guy – I couldn’t tell who anyone was anymore, except for the people who I had talked to before – placed a chair in the middle of the room.

“WHO’S FIRST?” he screamed.

“Me!” some people yelled, but Steve was the first one to sit on it. A girl knelt in front of him and for a quick moment I thought she would suck him off right there and then, but instead she grabbed his wrists and held them together. Steve threw his head back and a second later someone was behind him, directly pouring vodka to his open mouth and shaking the bottle as they did. The vodka guy stepped away and someone else occupied his place - that person was my brother. I wondered when he’d left my side but I didn’t care because what he was doing was entertaining and people watched it. Dan grabbed Steve’s head with both hands and began shaking it merciless. Everyone shouted as he did so, not in a scared scream way but in a cheer and drunken way. For my surprise, I shouted too. It seemed crazy but fun as well. Once Dan stopped shaking his head, Steve stood up and walked away, hugging the girl who’d held his wrists and looking properly drunk for the first time.

“WHO’S NEXT?” Dan screamed. Some other people went for it but before I knew it, Rachel was pulling me to the chair.

“LET PHIL DO IT, HE’S NEW HERE” she shouted, pushing me to sit on the chair.

“No, no, let someone else-“  I tried to protest, but everyone was screaming in approval.

“YOU’RE DOING IT.” It didn’t sound like I could argue so I relaxed on the chair, it couldn’t be too bad, right? She knelt in front of me and held my wrists just like the other girl had done with Steve, and I heard Dan saying behind me: “Let me, he’s my brother, I’ll do it” and his voice sounded protective which made me smile, because knowing that Dan was the one doing it made me feel totally comfortable with the situation. I threw my head back and looked at my brother. The angle wasn’t the best one but seeing him made me smile again, because even though I was already drunk, Dan was still the most beautiful person in that house.

 “Open wide!” he giggled. I did as he said and closed my eyes. He poured the vodka in my mouth and my gag reflex almost made me close my lips but I fought it. I tried to swallow but the fact that my head was thrown back wasn’t helping, so I had to keep most of it in my mouth. “Close” he said before grabbing my head. I braced myself and trusted him with that. He shook my head really strong and a second later I lost myself completely. It didn’t take long and my head was back in its place, but the drink was still in my mouth and I had to swallow it all at once. It burned, but at that point I didn’t even feel it anymore. Dan helped me stand up and someone else took the seat. I supported my weight on Dan’s body as we walked away from the small crowd.

“FUCK I FEEL AWESOME!” I screamed.

“IT’S GOOD ISN’T IT?” he laughed.

“YES, YOU HAVE TO DO IT TOO ”

“I WILL” he told me. I found Rachel and some of her friends and Dan left me with them. They were as drunk as I was and I somehow found myself another drink to keep it going. We were dancing again, and two of them were dancing against my body but it didn’t matter to me because girls didn’t turn me on, I just felt as if I were one of them and it felt amazing. Dan and his guy friends showed up some time later too, and I was glad Dan had invited me to this party (or forced me to go) because I had no idea what I was missing when I stayed at home so many times. Some of the girls pulled two of us to the garden, and the rest of us followed. One of the sofas was free so we sat down on it; some of us had to sit on the grass. Outside, the music wasn’t so loud and I could see some people smoking and making out. I wasn’t 100% conscious so nothing mattered, and suddenly some people of our group were making out too, and there were people really close to me and really close to Dan and I didn’t mind. Suddenly Steve showed everyone a small plastic bag and everyone got excited with that image. He opened it and offered it to everyone; some of them gladly accepted it, taking a pill with a quick sip. My vision was kind of blurry, my head was spinning but I could still tell that those were drugs. After seeing my brother taking a pill, my arm moved by itself, and I was grabbing a pill of something I didn’t even know the name of, giving less than a fuck about it. Firstly, it didn’t seem like a big deal, but this was when things got really bad. Some girl was trying to kiss Dan but he moved away from her, getting closer to me.

“How do you feel?” he asked me.

“I don’t think I’ve ever felt this great” I managed to answer although my voice sounded pretty bad too.

“Greater than when you fuck me?” he placed his hand on my thigh, getting even closer. No one was paying attention to us although we were surrounded by people, but even if someone had heard what he’d just said, I wouldn’t be capable to care.

“No, there’s nothing greater than that” I grinned, putting my hand on his shoulder.

“Hey Dan, want a drag?” someone asked him, making us go back to normal positions. The guy handed him a cigarette - I first thought – but when my brother grabbed it with his index finger and thumb, I realized it was a joint. I also just then realized how the place smelt.

“Cheers” Dan responded to his question before bringing it to his lips. He closed his eyes and sucked on it slowly. I watched him doing that in front of me, remembering how those pinky lips looked like around my cock. He threw his head back and exhaled the smoke in the air above him so it wouldn’t go on my face, then offered me the joint. Smoking wasn’t something I was used to, and I had never smoked weed, but I knew how it worked so I did. It was stronger than I expected so I coughed, but I didn’t care about it too, all that mattered was the funny smile on Dan’s lips after he saw me getting surprised by it. He gave it back to the guy and again we were kind of alone, because everyone else was in some other conversation.

“Do you think we can find some empty place? ‘Cuz I can’t wait to have your hands all over me” my brother asked me, not bothering to make it low.

“I don’t even know who owns this house, how should I know? I want it though” what I was feeling was something I’d never felt before, it was as if we weren’t in reality. It was difficult to speak; I just wanted to kiss him. I felt his hand on my thigh again and his lips on my ear.

“I’m horny Phil, what are you gonna do about that?” he stroked my thigh, getting his hand dangerously close to my crotch.

“Dan… your friends are here” my remaining bits of sanity spoke for me.

“Fuck them” his voice was hoarse, and damn, his intoxicated voice sounded hot.

“I’m just a boy, Dan, I can’t control myself so be careful” I grinned at him as I stroked his jaw.

“I don’t want you to control yourself” his lips were back on my ear and he kissed on it. “I want you to be completely out of your mind when you fuck me, I want you to be a complete mess, I want you to make me a complete mess when I come”

“Shut up” I grabbed the side of his head and pulled his face towards mine, attaching our lips and pushing my tongue inside his mouth without a second thought, as if we were alone in his room at 3am. He went with it and sat on my lap, straddling my hips and tilting his head like he always did. It felt like we were already in synchrony because we had done it so many times before and my body already knew what he was going to do and my hands already knew what they had to do to please him. He grinded against my crotch one single time and that was enough to show me that he was hard; and I was too. My hands were on his neck and his hands were on my shoulder, and we were like puzzle pieces that naturally completed each other. Our kiss was hot and fast and wet, because it was so messy sometimes his tongue would accidentally lose its way and leave my mouth to give my lips a quick lick, and sometimes we opened our mouths a little bit more and if someone was watching they would be able to see our tongues moving against each other in need. The last thing that I would ever think of, in that moment, was the fact that we were in the middle of a party and people would see everything we were doing even if it was dark, even if they were drunk, even if they weren’t paying attention. Nothing stopped me from keeping those kisses, nothing stopped me from stroking Dan’s back and thighs and stomach and God knows what else I touched because I was not myself in that moment.

-

“Seems like that party was fun” my dad commented with a big smirk on his face as we ate breakfast in the next morning. I mean, he ate his lunch; I tried to keep myself awake to eat a toast I had carelessly prepared for myself. I was about to fall asleep again on the breakfast bar, my eyes were probably red, my hair was probably a bigger mess than my life and any stupid person could tell I had a hangover.

 “Pretty fun” I managed to respond with my grumpy and hoarse voice.

“Don’t let your mother see you like that. You look like shit, just to mention” he giggled.

“Dad.” I sighed, closing my eyes as if to say ‘this is not the time’.

“Do you think your brother will leave his bed today? I wanted his help with something”

“He won’t. I shouldn’t have either” I groaned.

“You know, I’m glad you went out, son. You have to, you know, enjoy your teenage years. These are the things you’ll remember when you’re old and watching your children do the same stupid things you did”

“I don’t think I remember much about last night TODAY, let alone in 40 years. Also I’m not having children so,” I took my toast to my mouth again.

“How come you won’t have children?”

“Not the time to discuss that, Dad.”

“Well alright, I’ll leave you with your hangover because I’m already old and I have to work” he sighed. “Again, don’t let your mother see this. She may have a breakdown and say that the bad child ruined the good one”

I finished my toast and milk, struggling to keep my eyes open, and then dragged myself upstairs to Dan’s bedroom. He looked dead, lying in his bed the same way he was when I left him. I snuggled on his side and closed my eyes, falling asleep again with no worries in my mind.

-

“HOLY FUCKING MOTHER OF JESUS CHRIST, WAKE THE FUCK UP PHIL” Dan sounded as if he had just seen a ghost as he shook my body to wake me up.

“What is it?” I rubbed my eyes, slowly waking up from a dreamless sleep. I had no idea what time it was and for how long I had slept.

“YOU WON’T BELIEVE WHEN YOU SEE THIS SHIT, SIT UP, SIT UP” he didn’t mind to be gentle when he pulled up my torso so I could wake up faster, so that made me wake up completely because obviously something wasn’t right.

“WHAT? WHAT?” I looked around, scared that the house might have been on fire or something like that.

“THIS” he put his macbook on my lap and pointed at the scream. I blinked twice so my eyes would adjust to the brightness and my heart skipped a beat when I saw what was before my eyes.

“Is this…?” I asked confused, already feeling my throat close with panic.

“IT IS ME AND YOU MAKING OUT PHIL, A FUCKING VIDEO OF US MAKING OUT” he screamed. “WHAT THE FUCK ARE WE GOING TO DO?”

I played the video, it was on facebook. Someone had filmed it with a phone and it was dark and full of noises and loud music in the background, but it was pretty clear. The person behind the camera didn’t make a sound and some people were like ‘IS THAT DAN, KISSING HIS BROTHER?’ or ‘I MUST BE REALLY HIGH ‘CUZ I’M SEEING DAN AND HIS BROTHER KISSING’ followed by laughter. Suddenly all the memories were back in my mind, I perfectly remembered doing that with Dan except for the details. I was pretty sure we didn’t go any further than making out, but it was already a disaster.

“Fuck…. Me….” I shook my head as I paused the video. I couldn’t watch it all. I checked who had posted the video, it was a weird Facebook page.

“it’s a fake page, where people post photos and videos and gossip and shit from parties. It’s fucking stupid man, I didn’t think about this when… FUCK”

2 months and 2 weeks before.

“I forgot to tell you, my friend Rachel is coming over tonight” Dan said as we finally got back home from school. Our classes had started a few days earlier but once we were home, things were good again.

“Well… Okay, no problem” I tossed my backpack in a corner and lay on my bed as he stood in the hallway.

“Sorry” he said quietly.

“You don’t have to be sorry! You have your friends, I understand, don’t worry about me. I’ll just read a book or revise or something. I need to do it anyway” I assured him, and I meant it. He had been spending so much time with me and I knew he was pushing his friends away, so I thought it was good for him to spend time with them too, and also, I hadn’t revised enough considering I was always with him therefore I really needed some time alone as well. His friend came but I didn’t even see her as I stayed in my room with the door closed and my nose inmy books. I ended up falling asleep in my own bed and so did Dan, and I didn’t care because we didn’t sleep in the same bed every night anyway. The next day was normal, but Dan said he had to go to a friend’s house for some school project or revision he had to do. I didn’t mind and enjoyed the time by myself again.

It was only about 3 days later that I realized how weird Dan was acting. I hadn’t noticed as we hadn’t really been together but suddenly it hit me that my brother was avoiding me. I couldn’t understand why, as I thought we were both enjoying whatever it was that we had, but I was pretty sure it was happening.

He had his laptop on his lap when I entered his room after dinner and he didn’t do anything as I sat down next to him and looked at what he was doing over his shoulder.

“Hey” he said after a moment.

“Hey, I want to talk to you…” I stroked his arm and stared at his face.

“Alright, close the door” he closed his laptop and sat up to look at me while I closed the door.

“Is everything okay?” I asked him.

“Yeah, sure… you alright?” he yawned.

“You’ve been weird these last days, I’m worried. Are you sure you’re ok?”

“I’m sorry, it’s just because I’m tired and with a lot in my mind, you don’t have to worry”

“Did I do something that you didn’t like or? You know you can tell me, right?”

“No you didn’t…” he sighed. “it’s just… I’m kinda confused, okay? This thing we have, it’s just really weird even though I like it. You have to understand that it’s normal if I get a bit confused okay? Don’t worry though… I just need some time to think” he explained.

“I know… I feel that way sometimes too”

“I mean… what even is it, Phil? What is it that we have?” he sounded anxious now and I wished this weren’t something that would get in our way. I had been so happy with him; I didn’t want it to end.

“We don’t need to label it, Dan. We have… what we have. We’re brothers, and we like to… be together. What’s the harm?”

“It’s not that simple, you see… when I’m with you, it’s easy to forget about everything else, when we’re kissing, it feels so right and perfect, but any other time I just feel… wrong. I don’t know. I’ve been talking to Rachel about it and she-“

“Wait, you told Rachel about it?” I interrupted him.

“Well, I had to, Phil! I had to talk to someone”

“You could’ve talked to me! Dan, this isn’t something you just tell people”

“YOU SEE? That is the problem, I can’t tell people because it’s wrong, and you know that. I’m sorry, but I had to tell her, she helps me and she’s my friend and I trust her” The conversation was getting tense, and as much as I didn’t want to fight with him it seemed like we didn’t have an escape.

“But it’s dangerous! What if she tells someone? What would we do? And I know it’s wrong, I’ve known it since the beginning and so have you, but we both agreed to do it”

“Well, we didn’t think much about it, did we?”

“What is that supposed to mean?” My eyes began watering as I felt like he was about to say he regretted everything we’d done.

“I don’t know what it’s supposed to mean, I don’t know what our thing is supposed to mean, and that’s what’s driving me crazy”

“I see. Well, Dan, if you think you regret everything you should just tell me now before we take it any further. I don’t want to lose your friendship too… I’d rather go back to what we had before, instead of losing you as a brother”

“You’ll never lose me, idiot”

“Don’t make promises you can’t keep. I know it’s complicated and difficult… but Dan. I’m willing to face all the difficulties and consequences to be with you. I don’t care if it’s a secret, or if it’s against the society rules or the bible, because what I feel for you is stronger than all of that and I can deal with anything if it means we’ll cuddle at night. But… if you don’t think what you feel for me is that strong, if you want to think about it or if you want some space, I respect and understand you” I was being completely honest with him and it would hurt if he said he didn’t like me that much, but I’d rather know the truth. Silent tears began falling from his eyes and I knew he didn’t have many words after everything I said.

“You just… sound so sure about everything… but I’m afraid I can’t say all of that with that confidence, Phil, I’m sorry… I love you as a brother, as a friend, and more than that even, but… do you even have any idea of what it means? What if someday we considered each other boyfriends? We wouldn’t be able to hold hands in public, we wouldn’t be able to tell people, or even introduce each other to our parents because we have the same parents. What would mum and dad think? What would everyone say about us? How could we ever have something serious? And it just sucks to think that we’re just messing around, that we’re just having fun because what I want is to have something serious with you, I want to take you on a date and call you my boyfriend and show you off, but how can I do that if you’re mybrother?” he sniffed.

“You know that’s what I want too” and I couldn’t help but cry after everything he said to me. I would never be the right person for him, and that hurt a lot, it gave me a physical chest pain like when you imagine what would happen if someone you love died. I got closer to him, but he moved away from my touch.

“Please… don’t… I just… really need to think more about it” he stood up and turned around, then walked away to the window.

“Okay… Just… talk to me when you want to then” I slowly walked out of his room and closed the door behind me.

For the next 2 days, I felt a terrible heartache and Dan wouldn’t leave my mind. No matter what I tried to do, I would always go back to thinking of him and no matter how hard I tried to concentrate on anything else, it just felt impossible to me. My brother didn’t stay at home in those days and everything just felt so empty without him in the house, I already missed him. However I tried my best to stay out of his way and give him the space he needed, I knew things would get better someday.

-

It was around 1am, I had my earphones in and I was in the dark under my covers when the door handle made a noise and my brother tucked his head inside my room. We made eye contact as I stopped the music, but he didn’t wait to get in and close the door, making the room darker again. He ran to my bed and got under the duvets with me, he’d been crying. He hugged the side of my body and I held him after giving him a kiss on the forehead, his scent and warmth making everything better. He didn’t say anything and everything was silent except for his quiet sobs and sniffs.

“Phil…” he began.

“Shhh” I stopped him. “Dan don’t say anything” I whispered as I unlocked my phone again, searching for a song to play. “Remember when you came to my bed when we were kids, and I gave you my earphone and told you that the song was louder than your bad thoughts?” My voice was still low, and he simply nodded to respond. I plugged one of my earphones in his ear and played the song Flaws, by Bastille. “Yes, the music is still louder than your thoughts” he cuddled into me a bit more as we listened to the song. I could hear him crying more on my chest, and in that position we fell asleep after two – or ten - songs.

--

2 months before.

“Are you sure you want this?” I asked him for what seemed like the 10th time that evening. Our parents were out with some friends, or for work - I hadn’t really listened after they said they’d be gone until 4am – and that meant Dan and I had the whole night just for us. We didn’t manage to stay away for too long, and after that night 2 weeks earlier when he went to my bed, he said he wanted to be with me and he wanted to take a chance because he had never felt anything like that for anyone. It made me happy again, it made me cry tears of happiness because Dan loved me back, and we had been succeeding on keeping our little secret. The only one who knew about it was his friend Rachel, but she hadn’t done anything so far and I didn’t worry about it any longer.

“Fuck, stop asking or I’ll change my mind” he moaned. I pulled my fingers out of him, we were both already naked and I knew that if I kept stretching him I would make him come, so I stopped. We’d had a few hours of foreplay if you consider cuddling whilst watching films and lazy make out sessions, foreplay. But one thing led to another and it got heated as it normally did, but this time he didn’t want to leave it with masturbation only. I was scared he would regret it but I knew he was no kid, he knew how things worked and he had been fingered many times before. There was nothing I wanted more than that, I wanted the best kind of intimacy with Dan and I didn’t want any kind of line between us. And with that I positioned myself between his legs, pulling his hips up and spreading his legs to have better access. “Can I do this?” he wrapped his legs around my waist, pulling me even closer. I bent down and attached our lips together, our erections touching and begging for some friction.

“You can do whatever you want” I said against his lips.

“I wish I topped so I could end this crap, please just fuck me” he groaned.

“Kissing me is crap?”

“Stop it or I’ll come and fall asleep before you get to do anything” he pushed his hips against mine even harder.

“You’re hot when you’re desperate” I smirked.

“Teasing is a worse sin than incest, did you know that?”

“Oh really? Is that in the bible?”

“Yes I can confirm it is, and you don’t wanna go against God’s rules do you?”

“I surely don’t” I giggled as I pushed my hips against his, finally letting just the tip of my dick get inside him. I was going slowly and the lube helped as I thrust for the first time, but he was still really tight and it made my eyes roll and my toes curl. I was sure to look at him though, because the faces Dan pulled were always worth it. I didn’t drag my whole length against his walls - considering it was his first time and my fingers were different from that feeling – but when I thought it was deep enough, I stopped and gave him a moment to adjust.

“Mm this feels so good” he threw his head back and shut his eyes closed. “C’mon, move” He moaned. I did as he asked, and slowly pulled out, leaving just my tip inside of him. I kissed him again as I pushed back in, and he bit my bottom lip with another moan. “Do I have to beg for you to go faster?” his words automatically made my movements faster.

“I love it when you beg” I smirked.

“I love you” he dug his fingernails on my hips and pulled them, making me go deeper

“Fuck.” I moaned.

~

1 month and 2 weeks before.

I was reading a book when Dan burst the door open and ran to meet me with a hug. He buried his face in my neck and held me tight.

“What’s wrong?” I stroked the back of his head. It was around 2am, my brother had gone out with his friends to some birthday party, and I didn’t really care. I used to say he had to have his time with his friends and even though I got a bit jealous, I understood it.

“I did something bad” he sobbed.

“You’re making me worried, what the hell happened?” I pushed him away to face him. I could smell the alcohol in his clothes and breath.

“I kissed someone else. I’m sorry Phil” he hugged me again. “I didn’t mean to, I swear, I love you” I let him cry for a bit more because I knew he was drunk and anything I said would’nt make a difference, so I held him and let him fall asleep in my bed.

-

“Do you wanna tell me what happened?” I asked when he woke up in the next morning. We were still cuddling in bed, and I didn’t want to move from that position so soon.

“I feel like shit” He groaned.

“You got a hangover, what do you expect?”

“sorry” he sighed.

“Don’t be” I massaged his arm with my thumb.

“I am though… what happened yesterday was like… my friends were bothering me ‘cause I hadn’t kissed anyone for ages, they kept mocking me and saying I should kiss a girl who obviously wanted it. I drank a few shots, and kinda of lost control and when she kissed me I kissed her back and we made out. I’m sorry Phil. I regret it, but I knew you’d find out sooner or later because I can’t keep anything from you” he explained.

“It’s okay Dan… I’m not mad… I understand. You should sleep a bit more” I kissed his forehead and watched his eyes close again.

-

1 month before

“PLEASE DAD” Dan begged, hugging our father.

“You know I can’t, Dan! I’m going for work, not for fun” he said once again. Our dad was going to Manchester for the weekend, and we’d been trying to make him take us with him. We lived in a small town and because of that we didn’t have many things to do, we just wanted to do something different for once.

“Of course you can! Your hotel room has a big bed and a sofa, Phil can share the bed with you and I’ll sleep on the sofa. And your boss is paying for it. C’mon, please.”

“Okay, okay” he agreed after hesitating for a moment. “I give up. You can go. But you have to stay out of trouble and behave. Manchester is a big city and can be dangerous, I won’t be with you.”

“You don’t need to worry dad, Phil will be with me. He’s the responsible kid, remember?”

“Stay out of trouble, Philip.” He looked at me this time.

“You won’t even notice we’re there” I assured him

-

When we finally arrived in Manchester, Dan and I couldn’t be happier. We didn’t even have any plans for the day, but it was good to just see other places and feel like big city people. We left our things in the hotel and said bye to our dad who had to take care of his business already.

“So, what are we doing?” my brother asked with a smile.

“I don’t know about you, but I’m super hungry. It’s almost 2pm”

“Okay” he walked to where I was sitting and stood between my knees, then put his wrists on my shoulders. “Can we make this our first date?” he asked shyly.

“That’s so cute, Dan” I grinned. “It sounds ridiculous, considering we have all of our meals together, but I’d love it to be a date”

“The intention is what matters, don’t ruin it” he pecked my lips.

“I don’t want to ruin it. But I’m the one taking you out on a date then”

“Why? I’m the one who had the idea” he giggled.

“Because I’m older and more experienced, don’t argue”

“You think that just because you top you’re the man of this relationship?” he said jokingly.

“It doesn’t have anything to do with that, I just want to pay for everything and don’t argue”

“Whatever, your money comes from the same place as mine anyway”

“Who’s the one ruining it now?”

“I love you” he gave me a passionate kiss and I wouldn’t have broken it if it wasn’t for the annoying noise my stomach made.

-

“How’s your food?” Dan asked me after we ate in silence for a few moments. We’d gone to a Japanese restaurant as it was one of our favourite foods. It wasn’t a fancy restaurant, but it wasn’t a bad one either and no one knew us there, we didn’t have to worry about looking like a couple because soon we’d leave that city. We didn’t show affection by holding hands or kissing in public, but the way we looked at each other and the way we giggled and looked down made it more than obvious that we weren’t just two friends having a nice lunch. I didn’t feel like people were watching or judging us though, maybe it was because they weren’t in fact, or because I was too busy paying attention to Dan only. Either way, it felt right.

“Perfect. Just like you” I answered after swallowing another mouthful.

“Cheesy” he grinned.

“It’s supposed to be.”

I paid for our lunch and after that we walked for some minutes. We didn't know exactly where we were but we didn’t really mind, we didn’t have anything to do and walking around, looking at the buildings was somehow fun. Our arms slightly touched as we wandered, and our hands were free in the air. I wouldn’t mind if he wanted to hold my hand, so I just left it there in case he wanted to grab it, but I didn’t know if he was comfortable with that although his did the same with his own.

“I wanna hold your hand” I whispered in his ear, moving away after speaking. He kept a serious expression as he grabbed my hand and intertwined our fingers.

“Thought you wouldn’t say it” he said.

I liked holding Dan’s hand in public, because I could feel people’s eyes on us and still I didn’t give a fuck. I was proud of being with him, and I knew that every girl that moved her eyes to see our hands was jealous because I had a boyfriend as attractive as Dan, and they didn’t. No boy was as beautiful as Dan, and I didn’t need to check to know that. I liked to show him off, and I didn’t even feel bad for it. Those people were strangers who had no idea of who we were; no one could tell we were brothers and that gave me the best feeling in the world.

 “Isn’t it good to be in a place where no one knows our names?” he asked.

“It’s probably the best thing ever.” I agreed.

“Look, a Starbucks. Wanna go?” he slowed his steps.

“Sure, why not?

“I pay this time. Don’t argue” he said as we walked in the coffee shop. Luckily it wasn’t crowded and we only had to wait a few minutes in line. “What do you want?”

“I don’t know… I’ll have the same thing as you”

“And that’s going to be…” he looked up to choose in the cardboard menu.

“Caramel macchiato” I completed his sentence for him.

“You know me” he pecked my lips, and that was the first time we kissed anywhere out of a locked room. It made me smile under his lips. “Go find us a table” he let go of my hand when the lady called for the next customer.

I ran my eyes through the place to find a good table for us, and when I saw a little sofa in a corner, I knew that was going to be it. I sat down and waited for my brother to come with our drinks, and less than 3 minutes later there he was.

“We could go to the cinema later” I suggested after we talked about random stuff for some time. We always had something to talk about and we didn’t mind being in silence too.

“We could.” He played with my foot under the table.

-

3 weeks before

“We need to talk” Dan burst the bathroom door open when I was brushing my teeth.

“Do you wanna kill me?”  I jumped.

“Sorry, it couldn’t wait”

“Okay what is it? Should I be scared?”

“Nope, I just want to let you know that you’re going out with me and my friends tonight.” He sounded confident.

“Are you out of your mind?”

“I’m not. You never go out, Phil. You have no friends and that’s bad you know? I don’t want you to stay inside all the time and I don’t think it’s fair that I always hang out and you don’t. You have to give my friends a chance, I know they’re younger and blahblahblah but it could be fun?”

“Dan. Your friends are the ones who don’t like me and besides, I don’t mind staying at home. I like it, you know that. I’m not good at partying and stuff”

“They never said they don’t like you! They don’t have a problem with you, the thing is they don’t even know you. I’ve already talked to them and they said it’s fine. If you don’t like it tonight I won’t make you go again, but just give it a chance, who knows? You can befriend people and I’ll help you. They don’t bite, they’re nice, I wouldn’t be their friend if they weren’t. We’re gonna go to Rachel’s and just chill, eat pizza or some shit, and then later we’ll go to another house party. It’ll be fine, I promise, and if you get annoyed we’ll come back home instead of going to the party with them. Please? For me?” he insisted.

“Okay… if you really want me to do it, I’ll go. But I’ll let you know I’m shit at socializing, they might hate me.”

“You aren’t, you just have to be yourself and they’ll like you, I am sure”

“Okay” I sighed.

“Great!” he left the bathroom and I looked at myself in the mirror. I shouldn’t be scared of younger teenagers or of parties, right? That’s what normal people do, right? I took a deep breath and tried to stay calm. Dan would be there and I knew he wouldn’t let anyone be mean to me, I trusted him.

 -