Hey guys! 

(before anything: MESSAGE TO THE PEOPLE WHO KNOW ME IN REAL LIFE: If you think I'm talking about you here, IT'S PROBABLY NOT YOU. OKAY? OKAY? okay. obrigada denada)

- I had to change my URLs because some annoying people from real life found my twitter and I'm hella scared they might find my writing and I honestly don't need more reasons to feel stupid at school (imagine if they tell everyone what i do here nope that can't happen)  So there's a note on my last url (phantastic-nicki) about that too, I just thought i should let you guys know on the tags and stuff. I have also changed my wattpad (it's /nickibadstories now) and twitter (it's @shutuppstiles)  urls, and all the links in my phanfic tag ARE NOT WORKING but I'll fix that when i find some time for that

- THE PHANCEST FIC I'm really sorry about that one. I REALLY am. I've started year 12 and Idk how it works where you live, but here it's the most hardcore school year and I have school from 7 AM to 7 PM (literally 12 FUCKING HOURS) and i also have to revise when i get home and on weekends. THERES NO TIME TO WRITE IM SORRY PLEASE UNDERSTANDE. same thing with the Exchanging Feelings sequel, the vampire fic sequel, blah blah blah.

- ABOUT ME LEAVING THE PHANDOM: yes that's very true. I have my reasons which are the same as I have mentioned here but you can read more about it in this post  .

That's it guys, I'm really sorry this post is kinda long too, I'm sorry I left the stories unfinished, but I'm just a 16 year old girl trying to get in a university and this was just a hobby

Still 3 weeks before.

“What should I wear?” I gave up on trying to choose my clothes and went to Dan’s room, to see what he had chosen.

“Anything. Really. It’s not a fancy party, any t-shirt is good” my brother was wearing one of his favourite t-shirts, a Drop Dead one full of cats. I went back to my own room and chose a normal one like he did, and after a few minutes of hair straightening we were ready to leave. We met one of his friends who was very nice and welcoming when we got properly introduced, I had heard of him as he lived down the road. So, until then, everything was fine, but I was still a bit anxious about the whole situation. That was followed by some other introductions when we arrived at Rachel’s house, and again I didn’t feel left out nor uncomfortable, everyone tried their best to make me feel at home and included me in the conversations. It was a small group of 11 people, around 6 girls and 5 boys, and all of them seemed like really good friends. I wanted to make Dan happy so I put some effort into avoiding small talks and keeping conversations although I had no experience at all and looked awkward most of the time. For my surprise, it wasn’t as hard as I was expecting it to be and before I knew it I was laughing and talking to most of my brother’s friends as if I already knew them. It was good to put faces to the people Dan always talked about, and to know what he did when he hung out and left me alone at home. I can’t deny I was scared that some of them could hate me for my sexuality, however none of them insinuated any kind of offense towards me and that made me feel even more relaxed. Obviously, Dan and I couldn’t show any kind of affection and they didn’t know what happened between us. I tried not to get too annoyed when the girls friendly hugged him or got way too close to take a picture or gave him suggestive looks, because as far as they knew it, Dan was an attractiveand single guy. It seemed to me that most of his friends admired him, he was someone who everyone liked, generally cooler than the rest of people for what I saw.

At around 9pm, they decided it was time for the actual party. Once we were outside and walking in the street, my brother held me by the wrist so we’d walk behind the others. “So, was it too bad?” he asked in a low tone so the others wouldn’t hear us. “No, it was fine. Your friends are very nice” I assured him with a smile. “That’s good, I told you. Now, we’re going to an actual party okay, so it’ll be pretty different, there will be a lot of people I don’t even know what will happen and I can’t promise anything, people will mostly get drunk and stuff. You know how it works. We can go home if you want to, and if you want to leave earlier we can” it was cute how he was trying to make me feel comfortable, and I loved him for that. I’d get really angry if he just ignored me.

“It’s fine, we can go. I want to. I’ve never been to something like this. I guess it’s something I should try”

“Great. Let’s get wasted, alright? I’m proud of you for making friends, now my friends are yours as well.” Now we were a few steps behind and the rest of them were too busy talking, so he put his lips in my ear. “You’ll get rewarded for that” he whispered, giving my butt a little slap.

“Dan!” I frowned, scared that his friends would notice.

“Chill, they wouldn’t see it” we walked in silence for a bit more, the only noises in the empty streets were his friends’ voices.

“You do realize that one of those girls has a massive crush on you, right?” I asked him

“Which one?”

“The short one” I discretely pointed at her with my chin.

“Oh. She does, she’s been trying for ages to be honest. Everyone knows. But we’re good friends so I try to keep it that way” he explained.

“I figured” I crossed my arms and kept walking, turning my eyes away from him

“It’s a shame - for her - that I’m too busy being in love with someone else” I could hear the smirk on his lips although I couldn’t see it, and he sounded casual as if he were telling me that we weren’t far from where we were going.

“You’re too cute to be real” I responded, sounding as casual as he did.

“I’m pretty damn real. You know that. You’ve checked many times by touching every single inch of my body” Now he was starting to change his voice, and I knew that tone.

“What are you trying to do?”  I confronted him with a smile.

“Nothing! Just having a casual conversation with my brother.”

“Sure thing. You want something. Are you sure? With all of your friends around?” I teased.

“I don’t want anything! Damn!” he giggled.

“I know your talks, Daniel”

“You need some drinks tonight”

We finally got to a distant part of the town and we could hear the music from outside, although I didn’t think it was crazy enough to bother the neighbors. There were some people on the balcony, and as we walked in we saw that the party had already begun. Everyone held a cup, and people didn’t seem too drunk yet. I’d always seen this kind of party on TV shows and films, but I never knew what it was actually like. The music was loud and I wondered who owned that house, and where were their parents, but that thought quickly left my mind as Dan handed me a beer. I walked right beside my brother as he said hi to some people, some of Dan’s friends that had been with us found other groups so we were just a few boys after some minutes. Drinking alcohol wasn’t a big deal for me so I casually drank it as we stood in a corner.

“This is the time when we’re still too sober to have fun” Dan’s voice was loud so I could hear him through the loud music.

“THE BORING TIME” His friend, Steve, yelled between us. I looked around the place, there were all types of people and I noticed that my brother wasn’t so cool here. At least, he wasn’t the coolest. Most of those people were younger than I was but I also saw some people from my classes or even a bit older. The place got more crowded as the minutes passed; both the lounge and the garden were occupied and the house was huge. Dan and I were talking to his friends, some people who went to say hi to them ended up asking who I was and soon I didn’t feel so out of place – this was different but it wasn’t too bad. My beer was half empty when all of them finished their own, which made me realize that I should drink faster, so I did. After a few beer bottles the girls began dancing in the middle of the place, getting the party actually started. They were laughing and singing and dancing against each other’s bodies as most of the boys simply checked them out from the corners. We went outside and I saw there were two sofas in the garden, which explained the reason why the lounge was so spacious.  There were a bunch of people gathered around a table outside and as we got closer to it, I understood the reason: the vodka bottles were there, as well as some bottles of Coke. I felt happy and included in all of Dan’s conversations, everything started to get easier and more natural as I began drinking stronger drinks.

“Let’s do some tequila shots!” Steve yelled, sounding more excited than a kid opening Christmas presents. That excitement was contagious: I couldn’t help but smile and go with it. Some other guy who I’d never seen poured us what we wanted, singing along to Pitbull as he did. We all grabbed ourselves a lime too. The place was crowded and it wasn’t a fancy tequila shot, it was warm and plain, but we didn’t care because all we wanted was to get drunk.

“Wait, wait, I want one too!” a high pitched voice screamed behind us. I recognized Olivia’s voice, she was one of the girls from Rachel’s house and I dared to say I already considered myself a friend of hers as we had spent some great time talking earlier. “Are you enjoying?!” she asked me with a big smile as she waited for her tequila.

“Yeah sure! It’s awesome!” I answered.

“Alright, together?” she looked at all of us once she had her drink.

“One… Two…” Steve counted. “Three” and we all threw our heads back, drinking it all with a single swig. We sucked on the lemon right after it, it burned my throat but it was a great feeling of an energy boost.

“FUCK YEAH” Steve screamed, making the rest of us laugh. We left the shot cups on the table, and soon they were taken by other people. It seemed like no one gave a fuck and it was a big mess, but it didn’t feel uncomfortable. Dan got other drinks for us, this time vodka carelessly mixed with Coke and ice. We went back to the lounge where everything seemed even crazier, everyone was dancing, jumping, singing, even the boys. I couldn’t dance, and that wasn’t the kind of music I enjoyed, but everything felt so right and suddenly I was dancing with a group of Dan’s friends, and the girls were pulling me by my shoulder  and I was struggling not to drop my drink on the floor. However that drink soon ended and a girl handed me a new one; I didn’t care what it was because she offered and it tasted good and fuck it I wanted to have a good time because this wasn’t something I did very often. I was feeling alive like nothing else mattered, and sometimes Dan wrapped his arm around my shoulder and we danced together like some other boys were doing too. And I realized no one gave a fuck about my sexuality and I shouldn’t feel scared of anything because everyone was drunk too and the beat of the song was way too intoxicating. Rachel, who was dancing with us, appeared with a bunch of shot cups and a bottle of something, and I hadn’t noticed she had left to grab them but there we were, and she was sharing them out. We gathered in a circle and she filled our cups, and then one of the boys counted to three and we all took shots at the same time again. I still wasn’t sure of what that was but I didn’t care, I could feel the alcohol effect already. We kept on drinking, and dancing, and saying things that didn’t make sense. Again, something unexpected happened when a random guy – I couldn’t tell who anyone was anymore, except for the people who I had talked to before – placed a chair in the middle of the room.

“WHO’S FIRST?” he screamed.

“Me!” some people yelled, but Steve was the first one to sit on it. A girl knelt in front of him and for a quick moment I thought she would suck him off right there and then, but instead she grabbed his wrists and held them together. Steve threw his head back and a second later someone was behind him, directly pouring vodka to his open mouth and shaking the bottle as they did. The vodka guy stepped away and someone else occupied his place - that person was my brother. I wondered when he’d left my side but I didn’t care because what he was doing was entertaining and people watched it. Dan grabbed Steve’s head with both hands and began shaking it merciless. Everyone shouted as he did so, not in a scared scream way but in a cheer and drunken way. For my surprise, I shouted too. It seemed crazy but fun as well. Once Dan stopped shaking his head, Steve stood up and walked away, hugging the girl who’d held his wrists and looking properly drunk for the first time.

“WHO’S NEXT?” Dan screamed. Some other people went for it but before I knew it, Rachel was pulling me to the chair.

“LET PHIL DO IT, HE’S NEW HERE” she shouted, pushing me to sit on the chair.

“No, no, let someone else-“  I tried to protest, but everyone was screaming in approval.

“YOU’RE DOING IT.” It didn’t sound like I could argue so I relaxed on the chair, it couldn’t be too bad, right? She knelt in front of me and held my wrists just like the other girl had done with Steve, and I heard Dan saying behind me: “Let me, he’s my brother, I’ll do it” and his voice sounded protective which made me smile, because knowing that Dan was the one doing it made me feel totally comfortable with the situation. I threw my head back and looked at my brother. The angle wasn’t the best one but seeing him made me smile again, because even though I was already drunk, Dan was still the most beautiful person in that house.

 “Open wide!” he giggled. I did as he said and closed my eyes. He poured the vodka in my mouth and my gag reflex almost made me close my lips but I fought it. I tried to swallow but the fact that my head was thrown back wasn’t helping, so I had to keep most of it in my mouth. “Close” he said before grabbing my head. I braced myself and trusted him with that. He shook my head really strong and a second later I lost myself completely. It didn’t take long and my head was back in its place, but the drink was still in my mouth and I had to swallow it all at once. It burned, but at that point I didn’t even feel it anymore. Dan helped me stand up and someone else took the seat. I supported my weight on Dan’s body as we walked away from the small crowd.

“FUCK I FEEL AWESOME!” I screamed.

“IT’S GOOD ISN’T IT?” he laughed.

“YES, YOU HAVE TO DO IT TOO ”

“I WILL” he told me. I found Rachel and some of her friends and Dan left me with them. They were as drunk as I was and I somehow found myself another drink to keep it going. We were dancing again, and two of them were dancing against my body but it didn’t matter to me because girls didn’t turn me on, I just felt as if I were one of them and it felt amazing. Dan and his guy friends showed up some time later too, and I was glad Dan had invited me to this party (or forced me to go) because I had no idea what I was missing when I stayed at home so many times. Some of the girls pulled two of us to the garden, and the rest of us followed. One of the sofas was free so we sat down on it; some of us had to sit on the grass. Outside, the music wasn’t so loud and I could see some people smoking and making out. I wasn’t 100% conscious so nothing mattered, and suddenly some people of our group were making out too, and there were people really close to me and really close to Dan and I didn’t mind. Suddenly Steve showed everyone a small plastic bag and everyone got excited with that image. He opened it and offered it to everyone; some of them gladly accepted it, taking a pill with a quick sip. My vision was kind of blurry, my head was spinning but I could still tell that those were drugs. After seeing my brother taking a pill, my arm moved by itself, and I was grabbing a pill of something I didn’t even know the name of, giving less than a fuck about it. Firstly, it didn’t seem like a big deal, but this was when things got really bad. Some girl was trying to kiss Dan but he moved away from her, getting closer to me.

“How do you feel?” he asked me.

“I don’t think I’ve ever felt this great” I managed to answer although my voice sounded pretty bad too.

“Greater than when you fuck me?” he placed his hand on my thigh, getting even closer. No one was paying attention to us although we were surrounded by people, but even if someone had heard what he’d just said, I wouldn’t be capable to care.

“No, there’s nothing greater than that” I grinned, putting my hand on his shoulder.

“Hey Dan, want a drag?” someone asked him, making us go back to normal positions. The guy handed him a cigarette - I first thought – but when my brother grabbed it with his index finger and thumb, I realized it was a joint. I also just then realized how the place smelt.

“Cheers” Dan responded to his question before bringing it to his lips. He closed his eyes and sucked on it slowly. I watched him doing that in front of me, remembering how those pinky lips looked like around my cock. He threw his head back and exhaled the smoke in the air above him so it wouldn’t go on my face, then offered me the joint. Smoking wasn’t something I was used to, and I had never smoked weed, but I knew how it worked so I did. It was stronger than I expected so I coughed, but I didn’t care about it too, all that mattered was the funny smile on Dan’s lips after he saw me getting surprised by it. He gave it back to the guy and again we were kind of alone, because everyone else was in some other conversation.

“Do you think we can find some empty place? ‘Cuz I can’t wait to have your hands all over me” my brother asked me, not bothering to make it low.

“I don’t even know who owns this house, how should I know? I want it though” what I was feeling was something I’d never felt before, it was as if we weren’t in reality. It was difficult to speak; I just wanted to kiss him. I felt his hand on my thigh again and his lips on my ear.

“I’m horny Phil, what are you gonna do about that?” he stroked my thigh, getting his hand dangerously close to my crotch.

“Dan… your friends are here” my remaining bits of sanity spoke for me.

“Fuck them” his voice was hoarse, and damn, his intoxicated voice sounded hot.

“I’m just a boy, Dan, I can’t control myself so be careful” I grinned at him as I stroked his jaw.

“I don’t want you to control yourself” his lips were back on my ear and he kissed on it. “I want you to be completely out of your mind when you fuck me, I want you to be a complete mess, I want you to make me a complete mess when I come”

“Shut up” I grabbed the side of his head and pulled his face towards mine, attaching our lips and pushing my tongue inside his mouth without a second thought, as if we were alone in his room at 3am. He went with it and sat on my lap, straddling my hips and tilting his head like he always did. It felt like we were already in synchrony because we had done it so many times before and my body already knew what he was going to do and my hands already knew what they had to do to please him. He grinded against my crotch one single time and that was enough to show me that he was hard; and I was too. My hands were on his neck and his hands were on my shoulder, and we were like puzzle pieces that naturally completed each other. Our kiss was hot and fast and wet, because it was so messy sometimes his tongue would accidentally lose its way and leave my mouth to give my lips a quick lick, and sometimes we opened our mouths a little bit more and if someone was watching they would be able to see our tongues moving against each other in need. The last thing that I would ever think of, in that moment, was the fact that we were in the middle of a party and people would see everything we were doing even if it was dark, even if they were drunk, even if they weren’t paying attention. Nothing stopped me from keeping those kisses, nothing stopped me from stroking Dan’s back and thighs and stomach and God knows what else I touched because I was not myself in that moment.

-

“Seems like that party was fun” my dad commented with a big smirk on his face as we ate breakfast in the next morning. I mean, he ate his lunch; I tried to keep myself awake to eat a toast I had carelessly prepared for myself. I was about to fall asleep again on the breakfast bar, my eyes were probably red, my hair was probably a bigger mess than my life and any stupid person could tell I had a hangover.

 “Pretty fun” I managed to respond with my grumpy and hoarse voice.

“Don’t let your mother see you like that. You look like shit, just to mention” he giggled.

“Dad.” I sighed, closing my eyes as if to say ‘this is not the time’.

“Do you think your brother will leave his bed today? I wanted his help with something”

“He won’t. I shouldn’t have either” I groaned.

“You know, I’m glad you went out, son. You have to, you know, enjoy your teenage years. These are the things you’ll remember when you’re old and watching your children do the same stupid things you did”

“I don’t think I remember much about last night TODAY, let alone in 40 years. Also I’m not having children so,” I took my toast to my mouth again.

“How come you won’t have children?”

“Not the time to discuss that, Dad.”

“Well alright, I’ll leave you with your hangover because I’m already old and I have to work” he sighed. “Again, don’t let your mother see this. She may have a breakdown and say that the bad child ruined the good one”

I finished my toast and milk, struggling to keep my eyes open, and then dragged myself upstairs to Dan’s bedroom. He looked dead, lying in his bed the same way he was when I left him. I snuggled on his side and closed my eyes, falling asleep again with no worries in my mind.

-

“HOLY FUCKING MOTHER OF JESUS CHRIST, WAKE THE FUCK UP PHIL” Dan sounded as if he had just seen a ghost as he shook my body to wake me up.

“What is it?” I rubbed my eyes, slowly waking up from a dreamless sleep. I had no idea what time it was and for how long I had slept.

“YOU WON’T BELIEVE WHEN YOU SEE THIS SHIT, SIT UP, SIT UP” he didn’t mind to be gentle when he pulled up my torso so I could wake up faster, so that made me wake up completely because obviously something wasn’t right.

“WHAT? WHAT?” I looked around, scared that the house might have been on fire or something like that.

“THIS” he put his macbook on my lap and pointed at the scream. I blinked twice so my eyes would adjust to the brightness and my heart skipped a beat when I saw what was before my eyes.

“Is this…?” I asked confused, already feeling my throat close with panic.

“IT IS ME AND YOU MAKING OUT PHIL, A FUCKING VIDEO OF US MAKING OUT” he screamed. “WHAT THE FUCK ARE WE GOING TO DO?”

I played the video, it was on facebook. Someone had filmed it with a phone and it was dark and full of noises and loud music in the background, but it was pretty clear. The person behind the camera didn’t make a sound and some people were like ‘IS THAT DAN, KISSING HIS BROTHER?’ or ‘I MUST BE REALLY HIGH ‘CUZ I’M SEEING DAN AND HIS BROTHER KISSING’ followed by laughter. Suddenly all the memories were back in my mind, I perfectly remembered doing that with Dan except for the details. I was pretty sure we didn’t go any further than making out, but it was already a disaster.

“Fuck…. Me….” I shook my head as I paused the video. I couldn’t watch it all. I checked who had posted the video, it was a weird Facebook page.

“it’s a fake page, where people post photos and videos and gossip and shit from parties. It’s fucking stupid man, I didn’t think about this when… FUCK”