#petronia

P.S. This list is in no particular order, and some characters have never been portrayed on screen before, so I just made a little fancast with them (some I know are very talented, others I don’t know that well, but still match my vision so I used them).

Maharet (The Vampire Chronicles)

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"In the flesh, in the flesh all wisdom begins. Beware the thing that has no flesh. Beware the Gods, beware the idea, beware the devil."

Mekare (The Vampire Chronicles)

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"Let the spirits witness: for theirs is the knowledge of the future – both what it would be and what I will: you are the Queen of the Damned, that’s what you are! Evil is your only destiny. But at your greatest hour, it is I who will defeat you. Look well on my face. It is I who will bring you down."

Gabrielle de Lioncourt (The Vampire Chronicles)

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"I’ll see you go. And I don’t care what you do when you reach Paris, whether you sing while Nicolas plays the violin or turn somersaults on the stage at the St. Germain Fair. But go, and do what you will do as best you can.'

I tried to take her in my arms. She stiffened at first but then I felt her weaken and she melted against me, and she gave herself over so completely to me in that moment that I think I understood why she had always been so restrained. She cried, which I’d never heard her do. And I loved this moment for all its pain. I was ashamed of loving it, but I wouldn’t let her go. I held her tightly and maybe kissed her for all the times she’d never let me do it. We seemed for the moment like two parts of the same thing.

And then she grew calm. She seemed to settle into herself, and slowly but very firmly, she released me and pushed me away.

She talked for a long time. She said things I didn’t understand then, about how when she would see me riding out to hunt, she felt some wondrous pleasure in it, and she felt that same pleasure when I angered everyone and thundered my questions at my father and brothers as to why we had to live the way we lived. She spoke in an almost eerie way of my being a secret part of her anatomy, of my being the organ for her which women do not really have.

'You are the man in me,' she said. 'And so I’ve kept you here, afraid of living without you, and maybe now in sending you away, I am only doing what I have done before.'"

Merrick Mayfair (The Vampire Chronicles)

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"All my life, I've been afraid of things, as a child and a woman must be. I lied about it naturally. I fancied myself a witch and walked in dark streets to punish myself for my doubts. But I knew what it meant to be afraid.

And now, in this darkness, I fear nothing. If you were to leave me here, I would feel nothing. I would walk as I am walking now. As a man, you can't know what I mean by what I say. You can't know a woman's vulnerability. You can't know the sense of power that belongs to me now."

Bianca Solderini (The Vampire Chronicles)

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"Bianca Solderini, a lithesome and incomparable charmer, with Botticelli-style wavy locks and almond-shaped gray eyes and a generous and kindly wit. I was the fashion in her house whenever I wanted to be, among the young women and men there who spent hours reading poetry, talking of the foreign wars, which seemed endless, and of the latest painters and who would get what commission next.

Bianca had a small, childlike voice which matched her girlish face and tiny nose. Her mouth was a mere budding rose. But she was clever and indomitable. She turned away possessive lovers coldly; she preferred that her house be full of people at all hours. Anyone in proper dress or carrying a sword was admitted automatically. Almost no one but those who wanted to own her were ever turned away."

Petronia (The Vampire Chronicles)

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"Do stop trying to determine if I am a man or a woman. The fact is I’m a good part both and therefore neither one. I was just explaining to your Aunt Queen. I was born endowed with the finest traits of both sexes and I drift this way and that as I choose."

Mona Mayfair (The Vampire Chronicles)

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"'That was my daughter,' she whispered. No tears. No sobs.

I felt the immense falling off in her of hope, of dreams, of love itself. I saw the bitter acceptance in her face, the deep drifting. (...) She was shaking all over, but her eyes were dry and squinting in the white mist. Then she roused herself as best she could."

Pandora (Pandora/The Vampire Chronicles)

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“I see these mortals in a more attentive light. They are so fresh, so exotic and yet so luscious to me, these mortals; they look like tropical birds must have looked when I was a child; so full of fluttering, rebellious life, I want to clutch them to have it, to make their wings flap in my hands, to capture flight and own it and partake of it.”

Flavius (Pandora/The Vampire Chronicles)

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“Still, after all this time, this unimaginable time, I have these fears.”

Vittorio di Raniari (Vittorio the Vampire)

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"We all suffer under a curse, the curse that we know more than we can endure, and there is nothing, absolutely nothing we can do about the force and the lure of this knowledge."

Ursula (Vittorio the Vampire)

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“I’ll tell you how indeed I was a child bride. (…) I was, you know. They came to my father’s castle and purchased me as such, they said that I must be a virgin, and the midwives came and brought their basin of warm water, and they examined me and they said I was a virgin, and only then did Florian take me. I was his bride.’

'Can you imagine my horror?’ she asked them. She looked at me, tossing her hair back over her shoulder. It was in its ripples again from the plaits in which she’d had it bound earlier. “Can you imagine when I climbed onto the couch and I saw who was my bridegroom, this white thing, this dead thing, such as we look to you?’

'And then to be taken to a ruined chapel,’ she said, 'a ruined place, full of spiders and vermin, and there before a desecrated altar, to be stripped and laid down and taken by him and made his bride.’

She let go of my arm, her arms forming a loose embracing gesture. 'Oh, I had a veil, a great long beautiful veil, and a dress of such fine flowered silk, and all this he tore from me, and took me first with his lifeless, seedless stone-hard organ and then with his fang teeth, like these very teeth which I have now. Oh, such a wedding, and my father had given me over for this.’”

Armand (The Vampire Chronicles/Interview with the Vampire)

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"Yet in the centuries of his long obedience, Armand kept two secrets to himself. These were his property, these secrets, more purely his than the coffin in which he locked himself by day, or the few amulets he wore. The first was that no matter how great his loneliness, or how long the search for brothers and sisters in whom he might find some comfort, he never worked the Dark Trick himself. He wouldn't give that to Satan, no Child of Darkness made by him. And the other secret, which he kept from his followers for their sake, was simply the extent of his ever deepening despair. That he craved nothing, cherished nothing, believed nothing finally, and took not one particle of pleasure in his ever increasing and awesome powers, and existed from moment to moment in a void."

Lestat de Lioncourt (The Vampire Chronicles/Interview with the Vampire

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"You sense my loneliness, (...) my bitterness at being shut out of life. My bitterness that I'm evil, that I don't deserve to be loved and yet I need love hungrily. My horror that I can never reveal myself to mortals. But these things don't stop me, Mother. I'm too strong for them to stop me. As you said yourself once, I am very good at being what I am. These things merely now and then make me suffer, that's all."

Claudia Eparvier (The Vampire Chronicles/Interview with the Vampire)

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"And diary, you'd think a girl whose mama died in childbirth... whose daddy gave her away to a mean old auntie who beat her 'cause no one said she couldn't, who died in a fire but came back by the blood magic of two demons, well, you'd think that girl wouldn't know what funny was. But you'd be wrong, diary. And if I told you, dumb diary, that that same girl was being raised to kill like her demon parents did, to take two souls a day so could stay in the same 14-year-old baby doll body as her mind and spirit turned 19, 20, 25, 63, 358, you dumb, dumb diary, I bet you'd say to anyone who'd listen, 'Fun? Fun? How does she even get up in the morning?' Well, let me tell you something, you stuck-up, flower-covered, three-dollar fancy fucking paper diary, I'm doin' just fine. And how do I know that? 'Cause the first man I killed called me the devil, and the last boy I killed, the last boy I'll ever love in this world, called me an angel. So, that means I'm on the right path."

Louis de Pointe du Lac (Interview with the Vampire)

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"I'm a drunk, Lord. I'm a liar. I am a thief, Lord. I profit off the miseries of other men, and I do it easy. Drugs, liquor, women. I lure them in and grab what they got, Lord. I take daughters with no homes and I put 'em out on the street, Lord, and I lie to myself sayin' I'm givin' 'em roof and food and dollar bills in they pocket, but I look in the mirror, I know what I am. The big man in the big house, stuffin' cotton in my ear so I can't hear their cries. And, Lord, I dragged my family into this mess with me. I shame my father. I failed my brother. I lost my mother and sister, and rather than fix it like a man should, Lord, I run like a coward. I run to the bottle. I run to the grift. I run to bad beds. I laid down with a man. I laid down with the Devil. And he has roots in me. All his spindly roots in me. And I can't think nothin' anymore but his voice and his words! Please! Help me! I am weak! I wanna die!"

Daniel Molloy (Interview with the Vampire)

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"'Listen as though I'm the voice of God or an angel talking to you. Telling you this room doesn't matter, this night doesn't matter. You're not inconsequential or a junkie. You're a bright young reporter with a point of view. There are stories that need to be told. If things ever get bad again, these are the words you'll hear in your mind like a tape playing over and over, like a song stuck in your brain. These words will hold you up and carry you. They are your lifeline.' That's a free-baser I befriended for a few days at the drսg den. He told me to get my shit together and then he Richard Pryor'd in front of me. Everyone scrambled but I stuck around, watched him burn. What's always confused me was that... You know, he said those words to me, and he was already all burnt up. Figured I'd conflated the two events. But I didn't. Because it was you. I destroyed two marriages. I fuckеd up two daughters. But I stayed a journalist. I... I was never so lost I couldn't hold down a job."

Brienne of Tarth (A Song of Ice and Fire)

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“'A daughter.’ Brienne’s eyes filled with tears. 'He deserves that. A daughter who could sing to him and grace his hall and bear his grandsons. He deserves a son too, a strong and gallant son to bring honor to his name. Galladon drowned when I was four and he was eight, though, and Alysanne and Arianne died still in the cradle. I am the only child the gods let him keep. The freakish one, not fit to be a son or daughter.’ All of it came pouring out of Brienne then, like black blood from a wound.”

Jaime Lannister (A Song of Ice and Fire)

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“When Jaime opened his eyes, he found himself staring at the stump of his sword hand. The hand that made me Kingslayer. The goat had robbed him of his glory and his shame, both at once. Leaving what? Who am I now?”

Cersei Lannister (A Song of Ice and Fire)

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“The rest had all been lies, though. He did remember what he did to her that night, she was convinced of that. She could see it in his eyes. He only pretended to forget; it was easier to do that than to face his shame. Deep down Robert Baratheon was a coward. In time the assaults grew less frequent. During the first year of their marriage he took her at least once a fortnight; by the end it was not even once a year. He never stopped completely, though. Sooner or later there would come a night when he would drink too much and want to claim his rights. What shamed him in the light of day gave him pleasure in the dark.”

Sansa Stark (A Song of Ice and Fire)

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“They are children, Sansa thought. They are silly little girls, even Elinor. They’ve never seen a battle, they’ve never seen a man die, they know nothing. Their dreams were full of songs and stories, the way hers had been before Joffrey cut her father’s head off. Sansa pitied them. Sansa envied them.”

Catelyn Stark (A Song of Ice and Fire)

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"I take no joy in mead nor meat, and song and laughter have become suspicious strangers to me. I am a creature of grief and dust and bitter longings. There is an empty place within me where my heart was once."

Malyen "Mal" Oretsev (The Grisha Trilogy)

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"[Don't tell me this is all happening for a reason.. .Or that it's going to be okay. Don't tell me you're ready to die.]

He met my gaze, his blue eyes steady, 'It's not going to be okay.' He brushed hair back from my cheeks and cupped my face in his rough hands. 'None of this is happening for a reason.' He skimmed his lips over mine. 'And Saints help me, Alina, I want to live forever.'"

Alina Starkov (The Grisha Trilogy)

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"They wanted a Grisha queen. Mal wanted a commoner queen. And what did I want? Peace for Ravka. A chance to sleep easy in my bed without fear. An end to the guilt and dread that I woke to every morning. There were old wants too, to be loved for who I was, not what I could do, to lie in a meadow with a boy’s arms around me and watch the wind move the clouds."

Jamie Tartt (Ted Lasso)

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"She's the reason I work so hard. Just wanted to make her proud. She doesn't even care if I'm any good. Just wants me to be happy. Be a good lad. Once I got good though, me old man started showing up, didn't he? You know, bragging to all his mates every time I scored a goal. Calling me soft if I didn't... dominate, you know. And I hated that. I actually fucking hated that. So, I made a vow to be so tough that he could never call me soft again. I wonder if sometimes... I forget about making her proud. I don't think that she would be lately."

Will Byers (Stranger Things)

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“It’s like… It’s like I feel what the shadow monster’s feeling. See what he’s seeing.

[Like in the Upside Down?]

Some of him is there. But some of him is here, too.

[Here, like, in this house?]

In this house and… in me. It’s like… It’s like he’s reaching into Hawkins more and more. And the more he spreads, the more connected to him I feel.

[And the more you see these now-memories.]

At first, I just felt it in the back of my head. I didn’t even really know it was there. It’s like when you have a dreamand you can’t remember itunless you think really hard.It was like that.But know it’s like…Now I remember. I remember all the time.

[Maybe…Maybe that’s good.]

Good?

[Just think about it, Will. You’re like a spy now. A superspy. Spying on the shadow monster. If you know what he’s seeing and feeling… maybe that’s how we can stop him. Maybe all of this is happening for a reason.]”

Claire Browne (The Good Doctor)

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“[I think you should take the job. Of course she wasn’t gonna poach you without asking me.]

I can’t speak the language. I don’t know anyone here. I just started a relationship with my father. I’m not ready.

[All legit concerns. But what I didn’t hear was one single reason you don’t want to do this. You’ve spent so many years thinking your heart was a liability. It made you care too much. It hurt too much. But maybe here… maybe here, caring too is exactly what’s needed.]”

Joel Miller (The Last of Us)

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“Because I was too slow and too fuckin’ deaf to hear him comin’. And I saw… I saw a man kill his own brother… to save her, while I just watched. And today, I thought that dog was gonna tear her apart because it smelled somethin’ on her. And all I did was stand there. I couldn’t… move. I couldn’t think of anything to say. I just… I was so afraid. You think I can still handle things, but… I’m not who I was. I’m weak. Lately, there are these moments where the fear comes up outta nowhere, and… my heart… feels like it’s stopped. And I have dreams. Every night. [What kinda dreams?]

I don’t know. I can’t remember.

I just know that when I wake up… I’ve lost somethin’.I’m failin’ in my sleep.That’s all I do.It’s all I’ve ever done is fail her again and again.

[You want me to take her.]

I’m just gonna get her killed.I know it.

I have to leave her.”

Chloe Sullivan (Smallville)

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“So, popular question of the day: what is Clark Kent’s worst nightmare?

[When I woke up, everyone that I knew was gone. I was completely alone.]

I wish I could say that I’ll always be there for you, but somehow I get the feeling that may not be a promise I can keep. You were the only one that came out of it, Clark, and I don’t think it’s because you’ve been taking your vitamins.

[Chloe…]

Look, you know what? You don’t have to tell me. I know that I gave you my word that I was going to stop all this prying, but… in these last few months, I really got a taste of what it was like to keep my mom’s secret, and I’ve never felt more alone.

[It’s weird when people think they’re so close to you, but have no idea what you’re really going through.]

Yeah. I’d hate to live my whole life like this. But after fessing up, it’s amazing how quickly that feeling of loneliness disappears.”

Din Djarin (The Mandalorian)

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“I’m leaving him here. Traveling with me, that’s no life for a kid. I did my job, he’s safe. Better chance at a life.

[It’s gonna break his little heart.]

He’ll get over it. We all do.”

Grogu (The Mandalorian)

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For my second fan culture column for Atlas Obscura, I wrote about Yuletide! (The first was on 18th-century sentiment albums as proto-Tumblrs.) This piece features several longtime Yuletide participants, including Dr. Anna Wilson, who wrote this great TWC article (partly) about Yuletide, and fic writers Sandrine and Petronia:

“What I really love about Yuletide is the potential for kismet,” says Petronia, “the story that, as a recipient, I always wished existed, [and] turns out to be the story someone else always wanted to write. The idea that I always had percolating as a writer, that was too niche to put energy into, turns out to have an audience after all—even an audience of one, which is all I need.” Sandrine echoes that love of serendipitous connections. “It’s great when there’s an obscure fandom of your heart which you thought was something only you cared for, and then someone else offers it—or requests it!—and you realize it wasn’t actually a fandom of one after all.”

More than once, even:

And then Lestat, literally five minutes after meeting Quinn: