#personal though

I’ve been quiet lately, on here and in my personal life, because I’ve been taking time to myself.

When I first started sex work, I couldn’t find the balance between my personal life and the new chapter of that I was beginning. I thought I had to choose one or the other and it was an internal struggle for a long time. In actuality, I wasn’t well (mentally or emotionally), happy with myself, or mature enough to take on not only this lifestyle at the time, but many things as far as decisions and relationships. Over time, I decided that I wanted to change for the better and work on my mental and emotional state. I couldn’t be who I was anymore because it was killing me. From then on, I did the work. I was able to identify the root of my trauma and the “why” to my actions and reactions. It was a lot. It was ugly. It was hard to hear truths about myself and see things from a different perspective. I faltered along the way. I cried many times. I didn’t think I could make it as far as I have, but I’m here.

Most of my trauma and disconnect stemmed from familial issues, mostly maternal. The romantic relationships I fell into with men in my late adolescence and early adulthood were no better. It fucked me up. But, as I healed and grew, I had to understand that I’m no longer that child who was hurt and longing for a sense of belonging, but an adult who was still carrying on that pain and keeping it alive by choice. The choices that were made couldn’t be undone, couldn’t be apologized away, the damage was there, but so was I. I decided that I didn’t have to forget the hurt, but to accept it and move on with it. To work through it. I can’t get that time back, and those relationships then were and are broken shells of what should have been. But there was and is space for something new, so I started to work on that.

Today, I’m proud to say that the relationship with my mother has slowly healed. We’re bonding, and I can tell her things now. I’ve been spending more time with my family. We laugh and cook together. We do things for each other now. It feels good to have that, now seeing that’s all I ever needed—the void is closing in on itself.

I realized that I’m very critical of myself, and let fear hold me back. I don’t give myself the same grace and patience that I give others. What’s worse is that my criticism meant nothing without action. I would know but wouldn’t do. It’s hard to confront that it’s you holding you back. No one to point the finger at unless it’s you looking back in the mirror. So of course, no more of that. I have to be careful with my thoughts and how I talk about myself, to myself. The mind and speech are powerful, and it’s careless to say just anything concerning the self. Through declaration and action, success is mine.

I haven’t been seeing clients lately. Today is the first time in over a month. I’ve been focusing on school and work. I’ve also been pouring my time into nurturing passions and interests, even a shared business idea with my dad. I have a clear understanding of where I want to be and who I want to be, and what it’ll take to get there.

I plan on doing sex work for 3 to 4 more years. I’ll be 26-27 by the time I’m done. I moved my photoshoot to January because I scrapped the original concept for a new image, something that spoke more to me and my comfort. Next will be completely redoing my website while increasing my social media presence and committing to it. From there, it’s just consistency. (I’ll go into depth about my five and ten year plan some time at the end of the year.)

Senza dire niente

Portami al mare

Ricordami cosa vuol dire sognare

Ricordami com'è poterti guardare

Ricordami com'è sentirsi abbracciare.

Tornare un giorno e trovarti li sotto, così inaspettatamente come non mai. Vederti qui, come tanto tempo fa.

Qui che aspetti me, senza dire niente, le parole non servirebbero neanche per un momento, basterebbe un abbraccio.