#personal issue

Sometimes when I sneeze, instead it happening normally, all of the power of the sneeze comes out of my throat instead of my nose, and I basically scream.

Like, a loud as fuck “ACHOO”, and my throat is sore for a little bit afterward.

I must leave [tumblr] and eventually more social media activities. I have been having huge personal troubles in my life recently. Therefore, to keep my sanity, [tumblr] and other social medias will be abandoned forever, except to reblog and archive assets.

I'm sorry everyone. But I must leave forever. Never return, only return to download files.

DM will only be limited to business inquiries.

Creative and archival activities stays as usual, however at much hindered rate.

Accounts as usual will never be deleted at all.

Posting this is helping me get it out of my system, if you are not comfortable reading it, I am giving plenty of warning.

I don't ever post emotional/personal shit, please disregard this entirely when it comes to first impressions. Do not follow me expecting Life Drama if this is how you found my blog.

Now that you've been thoroughly warned, here's the post:

This is a letter poem to a friend who is "taking a break" from me. We had a falling out, I left a server we were in, and now he doesn't want to talk to me.

It hasn't even been a day

Isn't it stupid?

I've seen a million things

And thought "he would love this."

I thought about your imagination today

It's such a wonderful place to be

I think about the worlds you create

The lives you share

I saw something today

On a social media platform

Yeah, I know, it's stupid.

Yet it was so poetic, 

it reminded me of us

Us

Us is such a specific term.

What is 'us'?

Before, we were simply strangers

Strangers on opposite ends of the phone screen.

I have never heard your laugh,

I have never seen your eyes light up with a smile.

Yet it feels like I've sat next to you and laid my head on your shoulder.

I've only seen your face once,

Maybe twice, when you were brave enough to share.

I can't remember faces

Yet I remember yours.

It may be distant, fuzzy, and unclear.

But I think if I saw you, I'd recognize you.

Maybe that scares you.

It would scare me too.

"This stranger I barely know can recognize me when we've never met before.

We live miles apart and he can still recognize me.

I never want to meet him."

Yet, even if that's true, I find you saying the opposite.

"I wish I could cuddle you."

"I love you."

"I won't leave you."

What even happened?

I don't understand.

I'm so confused, scared, angry- no- sad. I don't even know.

All I know is that I hurt and I don't know what I did wrong.

Well, I know somewhat.

Was it because I left?

Was it because I was angry? Arguing? Stubborn?

Or did you just realize that I was right, those many times before,

That you would eventually be tired of me?

"I won't ditch you."

But I don't know how long it will be until I speak to you again.

What if it's never?

What if this time makes you realize you wish you never met me in the first place?

What will you do then?

Will you message me before you leave, or will you keep me waiting forever?

We almost knew each other for two years.

That seems to be the maximum length of relationships for me.

Two years of dating,

And she dumped me.

Two years of knowing you…

So, I’m 25 years old. I’m moving out in a month. I’m out of college and I have a job. Yet, my mom is still controlling me. 

examples...

I am not “allowed” to tell anyone in the family that I’m bisexual, including my 16 year old sister 

I have to go to my mom to approve the furniture I’m putting in MY apartment with MY money 

She had to approve my first day of work outfit (fortunately she has loosened up and “allowed” me to choose my work outfits)

She has told me I can’t get any tattoos that are visible in a wedding dress because, if I do, she won’t help pay for my wedding 

I’m afraid to choose my benefits for my job without her help

Like, God, I love my mom, and I don’t think she knows that her control is this fucked up but, damn, this is not okay. What the fuck? I feel so weak that I can’t, at 25 years old, say no to her. And it’s not like I’m afraid she’s going to hurt me or something like that, I’m just afraid to disappoint her.  

So my mom is throwing a guilt trip-like pity party because my older sister (OS) agreed with someone on Facebook who said they see a marriage certificate as just a piece of paper and not an actual symbol of a couple's love of one another. OS tried explaining that she's not against marriage, but she sees no reason to get proof of government/legal "approval" (more or less, although she has some issue with wording things exactly as she means them) when certificates are a fairly new addition to the long-lived concept of marriage.

Now Mom is saying she failed as a parent and hasn't talked to her since, because "everything she believes and has tried to instill in us, OS has spit on." And she's also upset with me, for the same reason, even though I did not say whether I agree with OS (I had said that I understood what she was trying to say, when she was stressing over not getting her words right, but that's it).

To make this whole thing even crazier, both OS and I have shared our opinions on this very topic many times. OS has always said she doesn't see the point of legal validation via certificate, and I often say I don't even want to get married for similar reasons. It has literally never been this big an issue until today.

I assume the difference now is that Mom is currently engaged, and super stressed from wedding planning/quarantine. But I don't know, she's gone from accepting me quitting religion to saying things like "I guess I could just go to Vegas and get married, because if a certificate doesn't matter then I guess my kids don't have to be there" and I'm becoming very concerned over her emotional well-being.