#personal drama

Alright, we’re spilling the tea, so if you like that kind of thing, yay? I’m really sorry to everyone who doesn’t give a fuck, just ignore this post I guess? Once again I’m REALLY sorry it came to this.

This is a long read and I am SO sorry for that. If you don’t want to read everything I’ll include a couple TL;DR’s here.

TL;DR [joking]: a bunch of transgender terfs got mad at me for accidentally triggering someone and are now livid they haven’t been able to bully me into bigotry.

TL;DR [serious]: I said something shitty that accidentally triggered someone and a bunch of people have taken that to mean I am the devil incarnate and have decided that since I’m not giving them a reaction to outsource one from you.

Anyone else who wants the tea, keep reading below, but don’t say I didn’t warn you.

So, one of the other reasons I hadn’t found so much time to write is that I had met a guy. He was handsome (way out of my league looks wise, since I'm chubby and...well, kind of plain), charming, funny, intelligent. We had so many long conversations about the self, shadow work, emotional intelligence, society, the universe as a whole, about self-actualization, about growing from trauma. We opened up to each other about past traumas and how they impact our lives as adults. We would spend time together at least once or twice a week, including professionally (he’s my tattoo artist and he started doing reflexology on me), but usually more like 5-6 days out of the week we’d be together. After learning he lived in the back of his tattoo shop, I tried my best to have him up to my place often. He said it felt nice just to sit on a comfy couch. We were physically intimate, including oral on him once, and he kept complimenting my intelligence, both mentally and emotionally, told me how much respect he had for me as a person and in terms of my career, told me I brought balance to his life and made him a better man….he slept over one night and I left him alone in my house while I went to work so he could take a bath, have breakfast, feel like he had a nice homey space. I paid to take him out on dates. I just wanted to give this man anything and everything. So I tried – I listened attentively, hyped him up, gave him frequent compliments, empathized with his trauma, brushed off little things we disagreed on and tried to see his point of view on them. I kept reminding his very cynical self about all the beauty and wonder in the world, which he kept saying he appreciated and wished he could get himself more into my way of thinking. Though it caused me panic attacks to put myself out there, I hyped up his business to anyone and everyone who would listen because he’d complained a little bit about lack of business (while also mentioning that he’d had to set firm boundaries about the customers he would accept, as he felt like a lot of them had been ungrateful, didn’t pay him fairly, or were rude to him and he said he’d rather be poor than sell his soul to anyone who came in).

Anyway, my dumb ass realized I’m falling and falling hard for this man. This beautiful, gorgeous man I want to take care of, treat like a king, and be happy with and wanting to be emotionally mature, to show respect for him, and to communicate in a healthy way, I have a panic attack but grow some lady balls (even if only through text) and shoot him a message letting him know that I would like to date him, have a sex life with him when he’s ready (both of us have some trauma in that area), and build a bond with him, if he’d like that too. He shows me a side of him that I had never known before, something completely out of the blue, and responds with “wanna build a bond james bond…we could smoke a bong james bong…one game of scrabble and kablammo”. I am kind of immediately really hurt about this. It felt like he was making a joke out of me being emotionally vulnerable with him, like he was making me the butt of the joke and I felt disrespected, an inch tall, and really stupid. I joked back in the moment but I couldn’t stop the hurt feelings. I had a really good cry about it all and let myself feel all the feelings and process them but it still really bothered me enough that, when he texted later on, I brought up that he had accidentally hurt my feelings earlier and I’d like to talk to him about it the next time we saw each other. He accuses me of playing mind games with him or of it being a test to see if he’s safe to confront when he did nothing, even though I explain that I’m not a teenager but a grown ass woman and I don’t play mind games or make men jump through hoops. He keeps trying to demand answers over text, even though I say that I’d prefer it to be in person because tone, body language, facial expressions can’t be seen through text and things get misunderstood, which is what I’m sure had hurt my feelings in the first place – a misunderstanding.

I wake up the next morning blocked from his facebook and messenger, which is how we normally communicate. I figure this out later that evening and freak out…I had already baked him brownies and gotten him a little gift, so I walk it up to his shop. I try giving him a call and he does answer. I let him know I have gifts for him but that I realized I’d been blocked and didn’t know why. I apologize to him for overreacting the previous day, accept accountability for being too emotional or taking things the wrong way, ask him to forgive me. I ask him to please talk to me. He just says that he’s not feeling well and that he’ll call me back. I tell him I’ll leave the gifts on the stairs and I make myself take my time and walk around the block before swinging by his place again…the gifts are gone off the porch, which somehow hurts even more.

I’m freaking out. Silent treatment is a punishment for me, because it ties into my trauma – it’s what my mother would use as a punishment whenever she was angry with me growing up. It makes me feel insecure, anxiety ridden, and neurotic. I’d already shared that and that my bipolar and OCD make me latch onto something and spin it out of control (my last message before he blocked me…which makes me wonder if my being open about my mental illnesses, even though I stated I medicate and receive therapy for them, was why he blocked me). I can’t stop overthinking, feeling horrible. I try texting him to apologize some more, to beg him to talk to me. In case he was really sick, I made him a get well soon basket after work the next day (because I didn’t know what made him not feel well, I packed it with a couple cans of chicken noodle soup, some beef jerky, copper compression gloves and a knee brace because he has arthritic flareups, probiotics and pepto, natural cough syrup, a face and foot mask for self-care, and a pack of ‘guaranteed winner’ lotto scratch-offs for entertainment all in a very cute watermelon basket that was dark green and red, so still masculine enough). I called again and after four or five rings, it went to voicemail. So I leave him another voicemail. I tell him because he said he wasn’t feeling well, I made him a get well soon basket and that I tried stocking it with as many natural things as possible, as I knew that was important to him. I again apologize for any boundaries I crossed or anything I did that triggered him and re-emphasized that it was not my intention – that I respect and admire him greatly as a person and a man. I say if this is him running or hiding because of trauma brain, I understand and I’ll try to be patient with him but that I wish he would unblock me and just talk to me. I told him I’ll try to balance giving him space and time but would keep on dropping by to try to talk to him, because his friendship really does matter to me. I made myself take an hour walk and swung by…the basket was gone, so I hope that he listened to the voicemail and got it and that it wasn’t just stolen by a passerby.

I fucked up and tried to drop by again today (valid reason though – the last tattoo he gave me is rescabbing and feels like a sunburn) and to try to talk to him. At this point, I’m ready to offer him money just to talk to me, to explain what happened…how could he go from giving me a kiss goodnight, planning our next date, telling me I make him a better person to just completely cutting me out of his life in just a span of days? It seems so emotionally immature for a man who was always talking about how emotional intelligence is so important, how he wishes people would take accountability (which I did), and how he was always working to be a healthier person emotionally and mentally.

My few irl friends who know about this have told me I’m crossing the line into stalker territory now (especially since I asked one of them to creep his fb account) and that I’ve only made things worse and convinced him I’m crazy, but I’m just trying to do sweet things for him, to show him I still really like him and care about him and to talk to him, to work out whatever misunderstanding there was. If not that, at least to get an answer about what caused this? What did I do wrong, ya know? Get an answer and some closure. He hasn’t called back…I’m still blocked on everything. And fuck, it hurts so goddamn bad. I know I’m too emotional and fall too fast, but I can’t seem to help it.

Reminder that just because your friends with someone doesnt mean supporting them when they decide to pick on someone more vulnerable then themmm... you just look like a big ol' meanie beanie and your friend will assume its ok to pick on people because they think their right.

Being mean to people for seeing that to when they weren't even mean to you isn't nice either. I dont support bullying here!! Disrespecting boundaries because your friend bullied someone vulnerable and got banned in a server for it isn't nice either!! There was no disrespect to them, they were a meanie and got told off for it, they were even told to stop they chose to continue even after given reasoning!! Theres more prooofff they were meeaannn then that they were a viccttiimmm...

Or at least, a member of their system. I'm not sure what the system name is.

Anyway, I was already pretty certain this was the case before the confession.

I sent two anons back to back a while ago when I still thought it might be system-facts. I was testing waters to see how they would react.

First this one accusing them of being system-facts.

And then after they answered that, this next one saying they aren't but claiming to be my opposite.

From this, I learned a two things. First, whoever this was, they knew a lot about syscourse. The fact there was an account called Sophie's Opposite that is ran by system-facts/the anti-willo anon isn't common knowledge to non-syscoursers. You probably would have missed it if you weren't paying attention to syscourse some months back.

And second, I was pretty sure this wasn't system-facts. All of their accounts end up denying being related to each other, and they seem to want to create the illusion that there is a mass number of anti-willogenic pro-endos out there.

The actual system-facts probably wouldn't accuse Sophie's Opposite of being system-facts since it hurts their own narrative.

Other posts from this blog attacking Mitsuki also started seeming... strange to me.

Many of their personal attacks on Mitsuki didn't really feel like things other people outside of the system would be saying about them.

I don't think anybody in syscourse would describe Mitsuki as "slutty" for instance. Granted, I only see their public persona. So maybe they would be more "slutty" on Discord servers or in private messages.

But I do know who would describe Mitsuki as slutty. Mitsuki.

She pretty much did this on her last big crashout. You know, the one where she was making jokes about our cat dying...

Likewise, the troll account attacked Mitsuki for looking white. I don't even know if this is true, but I do know that it echoes Mitsuki's own insecurities as a mixed race person with Asian heritage they're disconnected from.

And during that crashout, a lot of the posts were written by another headmate who was calling Mitsuki ableist slurs and attacking her with posts like this one:

This got me suspecting the troll was Mitsuki or a member of their system. But I was far from positive. I would say I was about 55% certain. Better than even odds, but barely.

So I decided to test something out.

Like I mentioned above, in Mitsuki's crashout, she mentioned her abusive MAGAt family calling her a slut while she had only been with three partners.

This, to be perfectly clear, is rookie numbers. Three partners is practically a saint in the grand scheme of things. It's not even reaching the median for partners in either gender. 15 partners wouldn't even put you in the top 10%.

Anyway, sometime after that, I was writing a vent post about Mitsuki. I planned on commenting about this in the public vent post and then decided against it. But I also had already written it up, so I sent it in a DM instead.

I don't remember exactly what the DM said word for word, but it essentially said that her family was wrong and it was bad for them to say that about her. I also said that she could take it however she wanted. Whether she wanted to see it as me being supportive of her or attacking her family, didn't really matter to me. I just wanted to say my piece on that and genuinely didn't care how she felt about it.

After that, Mitsuki made a public post about me saying something and blocked me, but gave zero details on her blog about what I actually said in the DM. Only that it was out of line. (I'm paraphrasing based on memory since that blog is now deleted.)

So I went ahead and sent this next anon to the troll account with just a tiny piece of what happened with no further context.

They knew it was me and couldn't pass up the opportunity to prove it with details that only myself and Mitsuki should know about.

And sure, their story here is that Mitsuki told them about it directly. Which isn't impossible. People do talk to other people. I mean, I don't. But other people do.

Maybe Mitsuki did have a close personal friend who she shared the content of this DM with, and who was also super informed about syscourse including stuff that happened months ago. And that friend then turned out to be a creepy stalker.

I would allow a small chance for that possibility. About... 3%.

And of course, now, there is the confession.

I will be honest though... If it hadn't been for the fact they were so knowledgeable about syscourse...

If it wasn't for the fact that they knew about a DM that I sent to Mitsuki which was never posted publicly on Tumblr and that I never told anyone about...

If it wasn't for the fact that so many of their personal attacks against Mitsuki seem to echo Mitsuki's own insecurities more than being real issues that any other people outside of her system might have with her...

I might be skeptical of this confession.

Before the confession, I was 97% sure it was Mitsuki's own system. After the confession... I'm maybe 98% sure it's Mitsuki's system.

So many lies have been told by the troll blog that I could easily see them making this up too. There was a random number name account that was calling them "Kitti" before this, which prompted me to ask that account who Kitti was. I was pretty sure that the number name account was suspecting them of the same thing I was, but I wanted to make certain. I was also hoping they'd be able to provide evidence, but the number name account never responded to me.

I wouldn't have put it past the troll to have also made the number name account though, if the troll wasn't Mitsuki, in order to make it look like Mitsuki was the one running the troll account. While a bit elaborate, it wouldn't be out of the question.

In fact, I still think it MIGHT have been, even if the troll account is Mitsuki's system. If the goal is self-harm, what better way than to reveal that the troll who has been saying all of the horrible stuff about Mitsuki was a member of their system all along? Making a fake blog to start making the accusations adds credibility to the confession compared to just... confessing unprompted.

So this confession doesn't really move me much on its own. Neither does the now-deleted number name account that first made the accusations.

But the confession does line up with the other facts.

If it's not Mitsuki, it would have to be both a close friend of Mitsuki who she trusted enough to reveal details about personal conversations with, AND someone heavily involved in syscourse. And someone whose biggest problems with Mitsuki are eerily similar to Mitsuki's own problems with herself. The chances seem slim to say the least.

ok, so obviously youre from the server in question, so ill be direct with you. Lets go through the parts and peices of this, shall we?

my comic is rated PG13. Other things that are rated PG13 that show much worse things; Greys anatomy (extencive gore, death, gun violence, sex, and trauma), the walking dead (gore, gun violence, sociopolitical issues), House (referance greys anatomy) and more

All of the comic is censored. I do not show any anatomy in the comic, not only for my comfort but for the comfort of my veiwers. Dont get me wrong, i am more than capible of drawing that, but i believe that this comic doesnt need it to get the story told. Why post something for shock value?

for the argument "this doesnt fit the story of cookie run" you havent been paying attention. - in CH1 of beast yeast, white lily directly says she was born, and MyCookie is directly a newborn cookie that was raised by cream ferret. So birth is cannon to the world of cookie run, deal with it. some are baked, some are born. thats fine -Golden cheese litterally couldnt handle loosing all of her people so she collected their crumbs and digitized them to recreate them. thats what the soul cheeses are. thats fucking dark. -Golden cheese also gets her wings ripped off by Burning spice. and she has a full blown break down about it that smoked cheese has to pull her out of. -its directly implied that PV was made suicidal by SM's words when he was hiding as fortuneteller cookie, telling everyone that PV was dead, and that there was no point in trying to save him. even suicidality is cannon. -Holly berry is directly stated to be an alcoholic parent, where her son keeps trying to pull her away from drinking. -Eternal sugar trying to destroy her garden with her in it is directly just a suicide attempt. had she been successful, eternal sugar would have crumbled. plus more. if you think CRK isnt dark because its cute, youre not fucking paying attention

its contradictory. They allow other Mpreg art on the server, other L&D art on the server, other pregnancy jokes on the server, but mine, because it wasnt taken as a joke, was seen as "too dark" thats what hurts. thats what makes me upset. especially when people liked the comic on the server and continue to like it.

im not shocked by it. Mods are allowed to take down whatever they feel is needed to make their community safe to the best of their abilities, but they need to do so fairly. Either punish everyone whos doing the bad, or remove the rule. dont punish only those who make you uncomfortable. Thats bullshit.

edit: side note, 13 is middle school, the age where sex ed is normally happening. drawings of still birth do happen in classrooms if youre doing it right, because they dont want to show the real thing

Years ago, well before the Tumblr purge, I used to follow this blog. They were a biracial transfem I think. Maybe genderqueer, pretty. They sunsetted their blog years ago, last I remember seeing is them celebrating spending time with their mom, as if she had little time left on this earth. I remember the person running the blog making clear they were leaving.

I vaguely recall saying I'd miss them, and that they'd told me to add them on Facebook or something, but I don't believe I ever did. I can't remember their username.

I can't find their blog, whatever would be left of it. I can hardly remember her face. I don't even know what happened to her. It feels so strange remembering her now. I don't know why it has me feeling so strongly now. This failed product of a website exists as a sad graveyard of accounts, so someone being gone shouldn't surprise me. But idk