#permes

Zeus: Okay, we need someone to run Camp Half Blood with Chiron—

Percy: *Kicks Down The Doors* I VOLUNTEER!

Poseidon: ...Percy!? It's been centuries—!

Percy: And it will be at least another, I'm still not talking to you (–_–)

•••

Percy: *Polishing Riptide* I was flooding cities before your mother's bloodline was even a thing, don't you find that odd?

Luke: *Drunk off his ass* Can you sharpen that on me?

•••

Hermes: *Slams a bottle of rosé on Apollo's desk* ...

Apollo: ...What happened...?

Hermes: ...Three thousand, one hundred, and nineteen years of courting him—fighting with you over him...And he picked my. fucking. son...

Apollo: You're shitting me right...?

Hermes: ...*Cracks open the bottle and starts pouring them both a glass*

Jason: I am the youngest one here.

Percy: yeah, I know. I uhh-

Jason: your fucking Luke and his dad?

Percy: no! I’m not fucking Luke’s dad!

Hermes: I’m trying…..

Apollo: it’s getting a bit desperate.

Hermes: I’m nice!

Luke: if you spent more time with my siblings he’d let you tap.

Hermes: !!! *literally pulls out the G&M PDA to start scheduling more time with his kids*

Annabeth: I saw you literally sending Rachel a sleepover invitation only to see Apollyon.

Percy: I invited Rachel to Montauk to gossip about her career mates.

Annabeth: And the hickey came with the gossip?

Percy: No! It came after gossiping. When Hermes came to deliver a package from Amphytrite.

Annabeth: Really? What did she send you?

Percy: Blueberry lubricant with a note saying "Mailman as entree and sunbathing as dessert. Just because your main course is dead doesn't mean that you have to stop eating."

Annabeth: Really? That's a weird metaphor for sex.

Percy: Later I noticed a dildo in my room. A very, very, veeeryyy blue and shiny one.

Annabeth: Amphytrite?

Percy: Worst. Kym. Anyways after R.E.D. left I ate my menu as intended. And since I had no main course, I fucked Ares.