#olddraft

still thinking about what happened that day 

it made my family hate you 

i can’t wrap my mind around it 

it was MY day MY time 

and you threw it all away 

for a tantrum 

because you lacked attention 

wanting me to cater to you  as though it were YOUR day 

inconsiderate asshole 

I hated your guts for a long time 

and then i forgot 

until the next big moment 

of MY first day as an aunt 

and you threw it all away 

for a tantrum 

because you lacked attention

wanting me to cater to you 

as though it was a normal day 

I hated your guts for a long time 

and then I forgot 

until another big moment 

my moment to shine after all my hard work 

at my sisters birthday party 

and you threw it away 

for a tantrum 

because you lacked attention 

I hated your guts for a long time 

and then i forgot 

Until another small moment and another small moment and another small moment  where nights and days and nights and days were ruined 

thrown away 

for a tantrum 

because you lacked attention 

i had no energy to hate your guts 

but now i always remember 

I can’t be myself because that isn’t enough 

attention 

and you’ll throw weeks away 

Suka takjub sendiri nemu tulisan di draf. 

Ternyata beberapa bulan lalu saya nulis soal perasaan paling mendominasi dalam hidup saya beberapa tahun ini, kira-kira isinya gini:

You also don't take it personally as an insult and soak yourself in negativity. 

Be proactive. Be direct. and get on with it. 

What will sulking do? I hope you can learn to grow up on your own.

A plant that stubbornly takes offence in criticism. Sulks in a corner and refuses to grow. They hide in a corner, hoping for people to notice, and waiting for them to send their apologies to you.

Not saying a word, hoping for sincerity... when really, can't you properly grow so that people can genuinely give real praise? 

You have a lot to learn about endurance. A lot to learn about carrying on. 

because one day, there won't be someone who would always bend your way.  You'll have to learn to prove them wrong with your own power and abilities.

Don't wait for someone to yield.

Have you ever felt aggravated with life?

It's not quite anger nor resentment, slightly more than just annoyance. It's this mixed feeling of frustration which slowly builds up inside me. 

Not intense enough for me to scream or rage, but not small enough for me to dismiss. it's just this ball of discomfort, building in me, slowly draining all the colour from my life. 

As a woman in her-mid twenties now, it sometimes feels like my options are decreasing and my risks increasing. Each decision weighs heavy.

From something as shallow as a skin routine to something as deep as betting on your partner for life, there seems to be a creeping urgency to make the right choice. There seems to be a need to calm down and to tame my mood. 

Recently, I’ve been set free in terms of career ambitions from being unemployed. Of course I can only say this because I’m still blessed to have good health and a roof over my head. It feels perverse but I feel like I’ve been set free from expectations. As in, now I’m at square one and everyone knows. I don’t need to keep up anymore. It feels good not to have to keep up. 

I don’t know what I need to do though.