#ocd reader

Be it from simply glancing down to make sure you're wearing the same pair of shoes, or stopping halfway through the street and digging out your keys to read the number printed on the metal and make sure it wasn't magically swapped by a different pair of keys.

These thoughts weave themselves so seamlessly between all your other daily thoughts, adorn a mask of urgency, and make themselves seem as real as the sun in the sky during that specific moment.

They mark themselves as a need, you need to do this, otherwise the consequences will be catastrophic, and you need to do it now, otherwise your entire day—if not life—will be ruined. A cruel part of your brain makes it seem like you'll lose everything in a moment of carelessness.

So you give into the urge and do what it wants just to stop from feeling physically ill, from all-consuming anxiety attacks, to escape this fake reality that somehow enclosed you into it while you were none the wiser.

But it doesn't stop there; the cycle repeats at a later time with a different thing.

Daniil doesn't comprehend this right away, it takes him time to come to the grim realisation that he was only adding to your misery, worsening your state, encouraging the obsessive thoughts by attempting to rationalise them. Those arguments never lead anywhere, only harming you in the process.

Insisting on his version of events, that his word alone should be enough to erase all of your doubts, unaware that those were thoughts and feelings outside of your control.

The Bachelor takes it up in stride, fully admitting to his mistake, no arguments, no making things difficult, no denying of what happened. A sincere apology, not empty words and flakey promises.

And so he does the only thing he knows in time of need, he studies, researches about what ails you, consults colleagues who specialise in psychology, dusting up the old books they let him borrow.

Completely turning towards a different approach, his previous methods were flawed. It'd do no one any good to keep clinging to them when all he ever wanted from the start was just to understand you.

Daniil's self-aware when it comes to his comforting skills… or lack thereof. Reassurance hasn't been one of his best skills.

What he is good at, however, is putting on the air of being in control, of seeming capable, and knowing he is. During his brief years of working in healthcare before he established Thanatica, his confidence seemed to comfort his patients on its own, convincing them that they're in reliable hands, and allowing him the benefit of the doubt at every turn.

Whenever you get the compulsive urge to check on the state of something, like a stove being left on, or a water tap left open, Daniil offers to do it himself instead.

He's reliable, you agree, don't you? So let him do it, don't give your compulsion the satisfaction of having things done its way and its way only.

Informing you that he'll take full responsibility if the worst really comes to be. Since he already went to check the thing your fears have been pestering you about, if it really turns out to be in a dire state, then it'd be his fault and not yours.

You're not the one who left the stove open since Daniil walked back home, saw it turned off with his own eyes, and came back to tell you.

And if the house really does burn down, oh well, then it means he's in urgent need of an eye prescription. It's not your burden to carry anymore. It's his, at least, not yours alone.

He'll take the fall and deal with any consequences that may follow. You'd be reluctant to trust him the first time around, and he'd do his best to help you go through the day, offering distractions, sharing the latest news in his work with you, slightly violating patient-doctor confidentiality as he tells you about that one time a patient bit his finger 6 years ago.

Just to take your mind off things, playing the long game, knowing that consistency is the key here.

Because when it's the end of the day and the both of you return to a still standing house, your faith in him will slightly increase. And the next time he goes to check something for you and informs you about what he found, you'll have an easier time accepting his words.

Daniil abhors lying, you know that, everyone knows that. So when he says he really did the thing in your stead, you know he's telling the truth.

If this was the modern world, he'd be the one taking pictures of the state of the household just to prove that no, you didn't forget anything. It has become a daily task he never neglects, Daniil is very consistent with following through and doing what he's supposed to do.

Learning how to effectively diffuse situations, how with given time, and some rest, those fears aren't as big and scary as they first seem.

How to bring you down from a fit of anger, how to lift you up from a panicked state caused by debilitating anxiety. Using his knowledge and expertise as a healthcare professional, after all, and dealing with people in similar states is nothing out of the ordinary for him.

He's aware you're not the one he's arguing against. He's aware these thoughts and urges do not define you. You're not your obsessive thoughts or compulsive behaviour, not the intrusive ideas or the clouding fears.

You're so much bigger, so much more complex, lovely, thoughtful, and whole. You're a whole capable human being.

This is merely a fraction of your brain that can be debilitating, a part that irritates you as much as anyone else. If anything, it must bother you personally even more, courtesy of being stuck inside your head all hours of the day.

Daniil views this as working alongside you against those irrational fears. If they go away, sure, that's great.

And if they don't? So what?

Daniil is here to stay as well, and he's twice as stubborn. He'll keep trying different methods, lend you his own memory and perspective, take note of the average everyday things that you might recall in doubt later, and reassure you as he stands witness against these irrational fears.

He doesn't see you as less. You are not less or wrong for having them. If anything, you're the one being tormented by them. He scoffs at the concept of you being considered a bad person for something as trivial as "bad" thoughts.

Let those people try living a day in your shoes, dealing with the constant pestering your brain has to deal with. Daniil is sure not one of them even has half your self will and control, to constantly attempt to resist these urges, to push these thoughts down and put an end to a spiraling conversation the fear in your brain abruptly started.

Dankovsky is the type of person to still stand by your side even if the worst comes to be, to take responsibility and attempt to fix things rather than waste time pointing the blame.

Even as you confide in him the intrusive thoughts your brain plagued you with, he views them as separate from you, through a passive lens.

You're not horrific or disgusting. You're not any of the names these fears keep throwing your way after, forcing you to imagine the same thoughts they've been shaming you for having.

As if a person's whole morality can be judged by whatever passing-by thoughts wandering in and out of their brain. You don't need Daniil to tell you how absurd that concept is.

And if there was no other way? If nothing worked and the anxiety became suffocating as you had to give into one of the compulsions and derail your entire day?

He'd go with you, derail his day too. Huffy and puffy sure, but he wouldn't place any real blame on you.

Bluntly stating it out if you show any sign of guilt, he's not the type to coddle. His words are concise.

You're not making him do this; he chose to be here by his own will. You're the one being forced to go through this by your brain. The least he could do is keep you company.

Reminding you that you're capable even without him, you don't require his reassurance, he's happy to give it all the same to ease your path, but at the end of the day it's you walking that path with your own two feet. It's you learning how not to feed into these compulsive urges and fears, to merely watch them pass through. No denying them, no arguing against them, merely observing and standing your ground.

Because the world is nothing like they make it seem, it's never “do this specific thing immediately or everything will go up in flames” there is no one to punish you, these fears hold no authority over you.

It's hard, unimaginably hard to have to be vigilant about which thoughts to trust since they tend to disguise themselves as common sense. It's hard to disobey what feels like a direct order from someone in a higher position, akin breaking a set-in-stone law.

Daniil can relate to those feelings more than anything. He was in a similar position and had to challenge actual authority, ones who held the power to order his execution with a snap of their fingers.

Life loves nothing more than forcing you to break your own principles. He found out the hard way. Every pillar he adhered to, forced to crumble beneath him, leaving him contradicting the person he'd been for the past decade with every action his current self took.

So yes, he's staying by your side, picking you up whenever you fall down, yet making sure you still know how to walk on your own.

-

Lara Ravel

For as long as she can remember, Lara believed that to be loved is to be known. But even now, she has a hard time understanding her late father, comprehending what exactly was he thinking, wasting his life away in the army, compensating her with a life of luxury as if those things could ever make up for all the time they never spent together.

She knows she loves you deeply. She cares about you more than life itself, yet for the life of her, she can never understand you no matter how hard she tries.

It's agonising, watching you suffer through the turmoil of intrusive thoughts. Not knowing what to do or how to help, feeling useless, restless, desperate to help in any shape or form.

Her haste was her shortcoming. The more she rushed to offer what she considered help in various and starkly different forms, the more you felt the sudden pressure place on you increase.

Especially when some of her help is unwarranted and abrupt, foregoing asking you what you might need, instead choosing to guess what you must need herself.

It's suffocating how she keeps throwing things at the wall to see what sticks, bordering interrogating you about your state afterwards, hoping that maybe this time, she actually did something useful.

You know she means well, you know her heart is in the right place… but you'd be lying if you said you don't feel like one of her charity cases at times, something to fix just because that's what Lara always does to "broken" things, as painful as that sentence felt to sound in your brain, let alone think of yourself that way.

You don't know how to voice these feelings without sounding “ungrateful” for her overwhelming attention, and so they begin to fester inside your chest, giving way to resentment as you become more and more distant.

She asks you to explain, and sometimes it's really hard for you to do so. How could you explain something that you yourself can't seem to grasp? It just lives with you, constantly hovering and making itself known at the worst time possible. You've learned to endure.

Rarely does the anxiety make sense. It's more of an intense feeling that keeps gnawing at your brain, repeating that your day will be ruined, your life will end, if you don't do this one thing, and do it now.

Horrific ideas and intrusive thoughts about people you love that leave a sour taste in your mouth, making you feel vile and disgusting inside. Wondering why did something like that even occur to you?

It was never one of your own thoughts to begin with, but another tool weaponized by fear to pressure you into doing what it wants.

Making your skin feel as if it was on fire, the prolonged stress giving way to nervous movements and trembles, snapping at innocents who were simply at the wrong place and time, only for shame and guilt to follow after.

Bottling it in, because sharing it with others seems to do more harm than good at times, leading to either being faced with judgement, questions you don't have the answer to, or both.

As the distance between you two increases, Lara's ways of forcing help come to an abrupt stop. The further away she is from the picture, the easier it becomes to see it whole and realise just what she's been doing this entire time.

Self-awareness dawns on her like cold water. She's remorseful for her actions, for not realising she was only adding to your pain, pushing you away, and making you regret confiding in her.

You don't have to comfort or reassure her. She's not a little kid. She knows what she did was wrong… How blinded that she was by grief.

Lara promises you never to repeat her past mistakes. Asking if you'd let her mend this, the shared life between you two, to try and make amends before she loses the person she loves most.

While it's challenging having to go against her instincts to jump into action and do something to help, she persists through them. You watch her part her lips to say something before wordlessly closing her mouth, on separate occasions.

Try as she might, she couldn't understand the workings of your mind before, so now she's decided to completely abandon that approach.

Lara's more resourceful than people give her credit for, she was the first one to think of establishing a shelter on the first day of the now gone-by plague, planning and executing it within the same day, and coordinating donations from people whom she knew wouldn't refuse to aid her cause.

So when faced with a conundrum she can't find an immediate solution to, Lara does the one thing she wished someone would've done for her during those nights of staying up worrying about her father.

She earnestly comforts you as best she can. Merely extending her unconditional support, the kindest form of love she can offer.

Foregoing all logic and reason, she repeats that she's by your side and is here to stay, through thick and thin, even during the hard days where giving into every compulsion is the only way to stay sane, especially during those.

She's endlessly patient, never rushing you as you recheck and recount things all over again just to be sure, as you take precautions for unlikely danger.

Standing up to aid in your activity, whatever it may be, observing your rituals and adapting the ones that help ease your mind when done by others.

If it brings you comfort, then it's worth it.

Anything is worth your peace of mind to her.

Slowly, bit by bit, she begins to accept your fears as they are. You don't need to understand the innermost workings of a machine in order to operate it well, and Lara is getting really good at determining what's bothering you.

She stopped asking for explanations; these fears don't deserve the courtesy of one, and it seems to only further worsen your state. So radical acceptance became her new approach.

Acceptance of you, of your fears.

You forgot to pass by your neighbour's house on the way home, and now your brain is telling you that the whole town must hate you and wish you to leave? Oh, she believes you, although neither of you have the money to move to the Capital, and if the whole town planned to siege this house with pitchforks and torches, it's kind of late for either of you to go anywhere anyway, the train only arrives once a month.

But you know what you can do? Make some tea, go upstairs into your bedroom, lock the room, and get under the cover. She'll accept death by an angry mob, but not without a warm beverage first.

The two of you spend an hour in bed upstairs, drinking warm tea and cuddling next to each other, the night passes by uneventfully, and the next day your neighbour waves hello at you as you're taking the trash out.

She doesn't challenge your compulsive behaviour as long as they don't cause you or anyone else any harm.

You two live in a small sleepy town at the in the middle of nowhere, the world won't end if you spend a day inside, the townsfolk wouldn't bat an eye if you enter and exist the same store 7 times, everything is within reach and it's a short trip back home no matter where in town you end up.

While the world itself wouldn't end, your anxiety gets the best of you and makes it seem like your world will end if certain things aren't done in specific ways and sequences.

And that's fine in Lara's book, take as much time as you need, she even helps you break them down, the rituals, turn them into a written list of small tasks spread out throughout the day so you'd still have time to eat, sleep, and rest.

It might not be the same as never giving into the compulsion, but it's definitely bars above never satisfying the urge at all.

When you do miss some steps or fail to perform certain parts, the panic in the aftermath isn't as overwhelming as it used to be when you'd forget the entire ritual, it's more palatable, easier to endure.

You can love someone without fully understanding them, and while love alone is never enough by itself, all the effort, care, and patience Lara keeps putting in seems to make it work so far.

She keeps waking up every day and choosing you, choosing this life with you.

As you are, she wants to be with you as you are.

You've been trying your best, too, which varies from day to day. On some days, you've accumulated the necessary courage to take risks and face those fears. On other days, enduring and surviving alone consumes all of your energy.

And on some days, you don't even realise that you forgot to do a certain daily ritual until after the day has ended. The comfort of knowing you have the time and space to indulge your compulsive urges sometimes makes it… easier to postpone them, which can lead you to getting distracted and forgetting them whole.

The safety Lara helped cultivate in your shared house eases your strife. Likewise, she seems to learn a thing or two from you, becoming more accepting of herself, more comfortable with the idea that she can't help in every situation, sometimes sitting things out and being a shoulder of support is the best she can offer.

And that's fine, that's okay, it doesn't make her useless despite what the cruel parts of her brain tell her. How she should offer the same kindness and grace to herself that she extends to others.

That you're stronger than she ever realised, more capable too. Your experiences made you especially understand the less talked about aspects of the human condition, in turn, Lara finds herself confiding in you as well.

Sharing words and thoughts she would've never told another person, confessing about the endless nights she spent awake in bed imagining all the worst case scenarios that would have occurred just because her father was a few hours late home.

While she doesn't have the heart to ever stop you if your compulsive urges became centred on seeking her reassurance to function, the safety at home, preservation of simplified rituals, and breaking tasks down make it much easier to break out of that cycle by yourself, step by step.

-

Credits:

A great thank you to:

@polyhedrongf / Lena

And

@gamersagainstthemachine / atrickofthelight

For their invaluable help when it came to creating this fanfic, their feedback, ideas, and suggestions helped shape many parts of this story. They've both contributed greatly when it came to addressing OCD and the ways to approach it.

The team were coming over for dinner, you had originally been ecstatic at the idea of it, Henry coming over to play with Jack, the housewarming gift of scotch Rossi would most definitely bring, the smiles, the presence of family. The feeling was slowly being overthrown by dread, however. What if you hurt them? What if you gave them food poisoning from the food? What if-

A light hand on your shoulder and a warm smile cut you out of your thoughts. Aaron. You turn to him, smile painting your face as you did so - despite your anxieties. “Hey,” He said, softly.

You turned to him, seeing him in a polo shirt and blue jeans, you look him up and down slowly. Taking in every inch of this man. “Well hello there,” You teased, despite your anxiety.

“Are you alright?” Aaron asked, you hum in response. You didn’t want to lie, but you knew he would worry, maybe even cancel tonight and all three of you had been looking forward to this dinner all week. As had the team. And you weren’t about to be the reason why it got cancelled and everyone was disappointed.

“I’m fine,”

“Liar,” Aaron whispered, he lightly grabbed your hand, pulling you to the room the two of you shared. He motioned for you to lay down.

“Aaron, I really need to prepare for tonight-”

“That can wait,” Aaron said, “You come first,”

You let out a small huff, you were already behind on the preparations. But you sat on the edge of the bed when he motioned for you to do so. “What’s on your mind?”

“Intrusive thoughts,” You replied, not wanting to elaborate on them. He already knew the general type of intrusive thoughts you got. Often centring around hurting those close to you. Today, he was sure, was no different. He gathered this based on you not opening up about them. You always told him if it was a particularly bad intrusive thought (not to say the normal intrusive thoughts you got weren’t bad, but the rare ones hit you harder) or a new type of thought.

“Want to order take out for dinner and binge-watch Real Housewives of Atlanta until everyone gets here?”

“They won’t be mad if we order take out?”

“Are you kidding? Morgan and Reid will probably celebrate,” Aaron said, “Whilst they love your cooking, they love take out more than anything… It’s actually slightly worrying,” You huffed a laugh as you shuffled back, leaning on your pillow as Aaron grabbed the remote for the TV. He quickly set everything up before he slid himself next to you, wrapping his arms protectively around your waist. You responded by doing the same, resting your head on his chest as you turned to the screen to watch the drama unfold.

It had been a week since Aaron had sat you down on your bed and talked to you about the intrusive thoughts that had plagued your mind that day. You were able to ignore any that popped into your head (‘what if I did this’ ‘what if I did that’) and it was tiring. You were waiting for the other shoe to drop. And then it did, you were round Rossi’s house for yet another family dinner. The only ones who knew about your OCD were Aaron, David, and Penelope. At least those were the ones you had told. You suspected the others may have known but they hadn’t said anything.

Dave liked to give everyone a job during dinner, so they could make family dinner together, as a family. He had put you on chopping duty. So, you had laughed at something Aaron whispered in your ear, turning to look at him with a smile and a roll of the eyes before you took the knife and onion and began chopping. Everyone else also began on their assigned duties. All of you chatting and laughing as you did so.

‘You could stab him,’ Your brain piped up, an image flashing through your mind of Aaron on the kitchen tiles, bleeding. Taking a deep breath, feeling the familiar swell of anxiety and guilt build up in your stomach, you place the knife down on the counter. Ignoring the slight blur of tears and the feelings of guilt nibbling away at you, you excuse yourself from the room with Aaron hot on your heels.

"(Y/N)?" He spoke quietly as he approached you. You sniffed as you quickly wiped away the tears that had made their way down your cheeks, you gave a deep, shaky breath before you turned back to Aaron with a fake smile plastered on your face.

"Yes?"

"What's wrong?"

"N-nothing," You answer quickly, "Just, erm, the onion,"

"The onion?" Aaron asked in disbelief.

"Yep,"

"So it wouldn't be another intrusive thought?" Aaron questioned, eyes scanning your face in worry.

"Yeah," You admitted, placing your hands over your face. "I know it's stupid. You must think I'm a right idiot-"

"Not at all, we all get intrusive thoughts, your brain just reacts to them differently, that's all," He replied, “Do you want to talk about it?”

“The thought was ‘you could stab him’ and then an image flashed and it was you on the kitchen floor bleeding,” You whispered, Aaron drew you into a deep hug.

“It’s okay,” He mumbled into your ear before placing a soft kiss on your hairline. “It’s okay, I know you would never do anything like that,”

“I know but I feel like a terrible person every time something like that pops into my head,” You said, burying your head into the fabric of Aaron’s shirt, finding comfort in his scent.

“I know, but you aren’t a terrible person at all,” Aaron reassured, “You’re the kindest person I know and you would never, ever do any of the things your intrusive thoughts say. Ever. Everyone gets intrusive thoughts, myself included, would you say I’m a bad person?”

“What? No!” You answer, scoffing at the thought of seeing Aaron as a bad person. “You’re the best person I know,”

“And you’re the best person I know,” Aaron said, “You just need to remember that OCD is a bully,” You nod sharply, taking in a deep breath. OCD was a bully. It thrived off your anxiety in response to the intrusive thoughts.

“Alright, come on,” You said, pulling away from Aaron’s embrace. You took his hand lightly in yours before you wiped at your eyes before taking another deep breath. “Let’s get back to dinner,”