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Anakin: So… how did you two end up together again?
Obi-Wan: *dreamy sigh* He told me my mental illnesses and pathetic crying when I get dragged to medical turns him on.
Anakin: …yeah I think that’s enough interaction for the week, thanks.
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Obi-Wan: *sits down next to Quinlan with suspiciously quiet movements and looking around for others* hi
Quinlan: *puts down his sandwich cause he just KNOWS this is gonna be traumatic and gross* Why?
Obi-Wan: So how many cumshots do you think makes up a proper bukakke scene?
Quinlan: *stands up while already annoyed with himself* Just ask your battalion, I don’t want to know, I’m more than sure you’ll get enough takers, leave me alone for the next ten hours I’m upset with you. Film it for me! *takes his lunch and leaves*
Obi-Wan: *through his comms* Yeah, Fox, I think I got him to go back to his rooms, check there, if not he might be hiding in the Room of a Thousand Foundtains. You can probably force the paperwork on him there.
Fox: Thanks. Did you know your comm was on the whole time? I think your commander is dying.
Obi-Wan: …oh…
Fox: I think he’s upset you’d ask someone else to plan that for you and not him, tbh.
Obi-Wan: *blushing* oh~ okay, tell him to swing by my apartments, no wait Anakin might show up there, tell him to meet me at my quarters. So we. Can talk.
Fox: Disgusting. Done.
Waxer: *comes frantically screeching out of the break room* Oh my god oh my god oh my god OH MY FUCK CODY HELP-
Cody: *pulling a blaster* What’s up?
Waxer: The lights went out in the break room! And there was this CREATURE in the corner when I looked over it was the size of a man and had glowing eyes and was staring right at me!
Cody: *helping Waxer over to be calmed down by Boil and go back to the room’s breaker next to the panel* I’ll get the lights back up, you men get ready to figure out what’s in there. *gets lights back on*
Boil: *opens door to see empty break room except General Kenobi standing where Waxer said the creature was* General? Did you see the creature too?
Cody: *pokes his head in too* General? Did… did you see something in here?
Obi-Wan: *blushing super hard* Um. Okay. That… that was me… I’m sorry I forget other humans don’t know Stewjoni do that-
Waxer: YOUR EYES WERE GLOWING!!! LIKE A TOOKAS!!!
Obi-Wan: sorry
Waxer: GENERAL TOOKA
Obi-Wan: I veto that one
Waxer: GENERAL TOOKA WHO GAVE ME A HEART ATTACK
Obi-Wan: my bad
Cody: Boil turn off the lights I need to see!
Obi-Wan: *big sigh* Is this gonna be like that time you guys found out I have fangs and you boxed me in and made me show you them?
Cody: *leering* Which happened to also be the time we found out you like being manhandled and can purr? Yes. We are going to figure things out.
Waxer: GENERAL TOOKA!!!!
I’m writing a fic where Obi-Wan gets bit by a feral cat (they have never seen a cat in Star Wars they think it’s just a really fucked up tooka) and instead of getting rabies shots, like a normal person, he’s on campaign with the 212th, and ends up mutantly growing cat ears and a tail. But wait, there’s more. Since he’s already got fangies and purrs super hard and has glow in the dark eyes, the 212th sorta just accepts it. He’s not much different than normal. Likes to crash in their cuddle puddles more, plays with feathers sometimes, accidentally dragged Dooku and Ventress back to the light side through purring hard and meowing at them till they followed him home, normal Kenobi stuff. So the clones are like ‘yeah, this is his new normal’ and accept it.
But then. One day, he’s laying on Cody’s chest and tummy, and maybe biting him a little, and suddenly he’s nursing on Cody’s chest…!!?! Okay??? So Cody, not wanting to get a rash, takes off his backs so his general can nurse in peace, like ‘yeah this isn’t normal or humanoid but at least he’s content and sleepy and DID YOU SEE THAT HE SLOW BLINKED AT ME WAXER IT WAS SO PRECIOUS- and he’s being a good boy yes he is yes he is he’s the goodest little orange boy in the whole world-!’ And so now that’s normal for them.
But then one day Cody is cleaning his blasters with The Boys (Rex and Fox and Wolffe are there this is sooooooo embarrassing he’s gonna kill someone) when one of them points out that his shirt is wet. Well, after some panicked (he was fine he just wanted the ground to open up and swallow him whole but getting sucked on was how we got into this mess in the first place so maaaaaaaybe no) checks with Kix and Helix (they are arguing and no one can figure out what about) it turns out he’s just a big milkie maker good lad so this is absolutely normal too.
Well, their precious No braincells orange cat General quickly realizes his normal nursing buddy is making special treats for him!!!! How kind!!! So obviously the others of Ghost company get hella jealous and start inducing lactation too so he’ll come cuddle up to them too. He will also take that.
At first the Jedi are like ‘wtf are they all doing’ till Bant frantically spreads the news that Kenobi gained four pounds and it’s not much but the numbers lately have been CONSISTENTLY down and she’s so excited she’s passing out lactation inducers like candy it’s so weird.
Anyways. Palpatine has a heart attack a month later (poor guy, someone shit on his headstone at the funeral, how sad) and now Obi-Wan lives in a big compound of happy Jedi and gets milkies whenever he wants. What a great ending. Have you seen his favorite toy spring??? He could have sworn he was playing with it in front of the refractory unit. He’ll go ask Alpha to help rescue it.
Fuck lap sitting okay, I want Obi-Wan to sit on someone’s thigh. Not because ‘oh he’s so tiny and delicate’ (I only really do the ‘small bb boy’ thing for kiddo Obi simply because 1: I think he should be a tiny kiddo/gangly teen lmao, and 2: I think he filled out as an adult and if he doesn’t have ass and thigh muscles for day, I don’t want him) but because I have a kink for thigh riding. I think Obi-Wan should get to ride someone’s thigh till he cums. This is all. He deserves that. Especially if they tease him calling him desperate and generally humiliating him for being such a slut plz give him this he deserves this many.
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JediTok
Ahsoka: What’s your type, cringe answers only!
Anakin: Um, short, uh, angels?
Ahsoka: Thank you.
Ahsoka: What’s your type, cringe answers only!
Padme: ✨Amputees✨
Ahsoka: …lmao.
Ahsoka: What’s your type, cringe answers only!
Obi-Wan: Tryina bag a whole family I’m all about them same genetics ✌🏻
Ahsoka: Oh my god.
Ahsoka: What’s your type, cringe answers only!
Cody: Dumb idiot gingers with too much ass not bein in my face 😤
Rex: lmaooo, my type is ✨Alabama family values✨
Ahsoka: Horrifying. Thank you.
Ahsoka: What’s your type, cringe answers only!
Barris: I. Um. I just. Togruta!
Ahsoka: 😳😅 lmao I can work with that.
Obi-Wan and Anakin are so toxic tho. They’re gonna be 60/44 years old and married to different people and still holding hands when they’re mad cause fighting makes them sad. They’re so codependent Anakin asked Obi-Wan if he wanted to hold the twins less than a minute after the birth, Padme hasn’t even held them yet Ani, plz give her those, she made them. Ahsoka decides to stir up shit one day by waiting till they were the only two in the kitchen and asking ‘dad, can you grab me that dish?’ And walking away as they fight each other over who she was talking to. Padme keeps hiding her fancy cheeses cause even tho Ani and the kids don’t eat them, Ani sees them in the fridge and is all ‘score, Imma invite Obi-Wan over for brunch’ and then her fancy cheeses are all gone. Why, husband, why? Idk who Obi-Wan is married to but it’s probably a clone and one time Anakin asked Obi-Wan if he thinks all the clones are The Same Size (or maybe Obi-Wan played his way through the ranks or maybe he’s got several clones idk) and they all expect Obi-Wan to scoff and say that’s inappropriate, he turns to Anakin and they legit start gossiping about sizes and stuff and their spouses have never been so horrified. Talk about oversharing, we didn’t need to compare prostate orgasms, did we???
These whores are so toxic no one wants to be alone with them for the rest of their lives and that’s exactly what I want in fics if you can give me toxic codependent bitches I don’t want them.
This but it’s the immediate clone troopers behind their Jedi Generals wearing their kutes :)
The only ones to succeed in the photo shoot are Obi-Wan and Anakin before Mace comes in yelling at everyone to fucking stop that they’re giving him a MASSIVE shatterpoint migraine and everyone looks between each other like ‘wait, does that mean stop, or should we follow the shatter points?’ And then proceed against his wishes. He gets his own photo shoot too.
