days are nights / nights are days
For:Â @nerdmetamorphosis
From:Â @greenerbucket (greenbucket on ao3)
cw: ongoing recovery from a concussion
happy (Bitty) Valentines!! :D
Chowder dithers in the dessert aisle, wondering if Nursey would prefer chocolate or vanilla. Lemon or salted caramel or strawberry. There are just so many different flavours and kinds of dessert stuff.  He considers the little crème brĂťlĂŠes, because that would be cute and fancy, right? But also pretty complicated. He doesnât think either of them actually own one of those mini-flamethrower things, so he decides to veto the crème brĂťlĂŠe and is back to square one.
This kind of thing was so much easier before everything, when he could just knock on the little mental door between his and Nurseyâs minds and ask. If he tried that now heâd just get a garbled splurge of Nurseyâs unrelated thoughts and feelings plus a lot of staticky noise and a headache.
Less so than a few months ago when the damage to their bond was fresh but still; Chowder doesnât want to get a migraine in the middle of the supermarket and fuck up their date night.
He could text and ask but texting still feels weird. Him and Nursey donât text. Well, they do now sometimes, but itâs that theyâve never needed to before. Cait has always been top of his texting list, followed by Bitty and his family chat, and it hasnât changed yet. Nursey probably shouldnât be looking at electronic screens too much anyway.
Maybe Chowder just shouldnât bring dessert. Dessert is a kinda fraught area now. It feels uneven though, for Nursey to be providing the meal and for Chowder to not even bring a dessert. He could bring cookies? And milk for dunking, even though only Nursey really likes milk. It feels like a bit of a cop out, but he checks the time on his phone and realises if he doesnât just pick something heâs going to be late, so it will have to do.
Chowder has been aware of people giving him looks the whole time heâs been in the supermarket, but itâs not until heâs in the queue for the self-service check out (hoping to avoid this exact situation) that he hears a shy voice asking if he really is Chris Chow.
Itâs a little girl with her mom so he extra takes his time, the girlâs face lighting up and the mom offering the back of their shopping list for autographing. Itâs not like itâs hard to make kid conversation and smile for a picture â because fans! Fans who are kids! â but he is very aware of the fact heâs almost definitely going to be late for date night now.
Although heâs cheered by the way the girl skips away after, Chowder definitely does almost forget his card in the card reader in his hurry to get out the store. Itâs been like, a week since he last saw Nursey, so he doesnât think heâs being unreasonable. Especially since in general, before this, he could not see Nursey for a couple of hours and be happy to see him again.
It feels weird taking the different turnings and knocking on Dexâs door instead of just going back to his and Nurseyâs apartment. Itâs been weird since the start and, unlike the texting, hasnât got any less weird. Already the pulsing, staticky noise is starting up in the back of his mind, though, reminding Chowder why theyâve agreed just this one date night a week together.
Nursey, when he answers the door, looks tired and rumpled. He smiles when he sees itâs Chowder, but his expression is stiff in the way that tells Chowder heâs internally leaning towards freaking out. That and the way Chowder can feel it pressing against his mind from Nurseyâs side, blooming behind his eyes like a tension headache.
âWhatâs the matter?â Chowder asks, manoeuvring Nursey back into the hallway to be safe. His brain is already starting up a highlights reel of Bad Things That Couldâve Happened (âWhile You Were Away on an NHL Roadtripâ Edition).
âNothing,â Nursey says in a tone that suggests itâs really not nothing. âIâm just an idiot. I went out earlier to get the stuff for dinner and I forgot to bring any sunglasses so the lights were so bad and there was a baby crying and it was so fucking awful so I just thought Iâd take a nap and itâd be chill but I literally just woke up. This is entirely my fault, but I can start cooking nowââ
Chowder sits them both down on Dexâs couch, a blanket still bundled up where Nursey must have been, feeling the relief coursing through him. Not not bad, but usual bad. âDonât be stupid, you donât need to cook.â
Nursey squints at Chowder, which could be confusion or that the lights are on full and giving him a headache. âArenât we going to eat?â
âWell yeah, but itâs cool, we can order take out,â Chowder says, just about managing to put an arm around Nurseyâs shoulders and reach for the take out menu collection under the coffee table in one motion.
âYeah?â
âOf course. What kind are you feeling?â
Nurseyâs shoulders come down from around his ears; Chowder feels the pressure from Nurseyâs side of the door ease a little, too. Â âSomething with noodles,â Nursey decides without consulting any of the menus. âThough arenât you not supposed to eat take out anymore?â
This is very, very true. âWhat the nutritionist team donât know wonât hurt them,â Chowder says, picking a menu, because he would do anything to make Nursey look even a little less miserable. Also, an excuse to eat take out in the middle of the season! The nutritionist team are omniscient, but itâs worth it.
Once the food is ordered thereâs nothing to do but wait, so Chowder dims the lights down to almost nothing and hits shuffle on whichever of Dexâs white boy playlists is lined up to act as some ambient noise. The static is louder and more insistent the closer they are, but itâs date night, so Chowder joins Nursey again on the couch, wiggling until theyâre both otherwise comfortable. Chowder pulls the blanket over them both and rests his cheek against the top of Nurseyâs head, sighing out a tiredness he hadnât been truly aware he was feeling.
Itâs just plain nice, being able to sit with Nursey like this, even if it makes the prospect of going back alone to their echoey apartment later even less appealing. After a minute or two of quiet, though, Nursey says, still miserable, âI hate this.â
Chowder considers asking if he means the playlist, but it seems facetious. âMe too.â
âI justââ Nursey starts, misery becoming tinged with frustration. âI canât believe I managed to injure myself so bad I literally broke our soul bond and Iâm still not better? What kind of fate-defying bullshit. Of course I managed to fuck up that bad.â
Chowder knows they both know thatâs not how soul bonds work. They act like a nudge in the right direction, and the brain chemistry or whatever of it is (clearly) pretty fragile, but the bond itself is something you build together. And that kind of building means, door into Nurseyâs brain or not, Chowder can see the downward spiral that train of thought is taking.
âOne, itâs not broken. Two, itâs not just your responsibility to get better. And weâre doing way better! Like, how bad is the static for you right now? Iâm feeling it way less.â
Nursey huffs but finally concedes, âItâs not as bad as itâs been.â
âAnd you didnât immediately die in the supermarket even without your sunglasses, right?â
âNot immediately.â
âSo weâre on the right track!â Chowder says. âBaby steps, yeah, but still steps.â
âI guess,â Nursey sighs, still sounding unconvinced. He tucks his head fully into the crook of Chowderâs neck, like heâs hiding.
âItâs all gonna be fine,â Chowder continues, tucking the blanket in unnecessarily tighter. âJust have to be patient then you can have me back in your head again, rambling about some dumb shit and keeping you up at 3am.â
âWow, C, supes selling this fixing our bond project,â Nursey chirps, muffled and half-hearted but a chirp all the same. He sighs, but doesnât sound mad when he asks, âYouâre really not gonna let me sit here feeling sorry for myself, are you?â
âNope.â
âI donât get how like, sure about this stuff you are. This sucks ass and there is legit no end in sight.â
Chowder kisses the top of Nurseyâs head, twisting his neck awkwardly to reach. âIf you donât think Iâm being this positive and optimistic about this whole thing to convince myself as much as you, then I donât think you even know me, babe.â
âOkay, fair,â says Nursey after some contemplation, âsorry if like, I was making it seem like I donât get that this isnât fun for you either.â
Theyâve had this same conversation with minor variations at least five times in the three months since Nursey tripped off the curb and concussed himself outside their (former) favourite dessert parlour. Something triggering Nursey feeling understandably shitty about the situation, followed by Chowder trying to cheer him up, followed by Nursey feeling bad for Chowder having to cheer him up instead of the other way, rinse and repeat. Â
âYou werenât,â Chowder tells him all the same, because he knows Nursey needs to hear it, just like the other times. âCompromise: youâre welcome to feel sorry for yourself without suggesting that this is your fault and not like, one of the unfair twists of the universe saying fuck you.â
That, finally, gets Nursey to laugh. âOkay, give me a second to look through the whole array of things I can feel sorry for myself about,â he says, uncurling from around Chowder so he can show him his Thinking Face properly. âGot one. Being Dexâs roomie again sucks. Heâs so fucking overbearing.â
âAw, come on, heâs being amazing putting you up like this,â Chowder says in Dexâs defence, even though he agrees a little bit. âIt means we can see each other but not have like, our brains melt from soul bond gone wrong blood clot stuff.â
Nursey shrugs, all fake blasĂŠ. âNot worth it.â
âSo cold.â
âYou know I love you, C, butâŚâ
âWow,â says Chowder, dialling up the mock offence. âWow, okay, forget who earns most, youâre totally paying for the take out. Since I can see where I rank now.â
Nursey smiles, leaning in to kiss Chowderâs cheek as an apology. âSeriously though,â he says, pulling back. âHe makes me drink all these teas and shit that his latest boyfriend is in to. I have to pee like every twenty minutes.â
âItâs sweet! He wants you to get better.â So you leave him space in his own home to bone his hot new boyfriend probably, Chowder doesnât say.
Nursey gives Chowder a look. âIâm the kind of guy that likes teas, because theyâre healing and warm and taste good and shit? But even Iâm like dude, chill maybe.â
âPoor baby. You know, I was expecting more near death arguing from you guys.â
âThereâs been a bit of that, too,â Nursey admits, shifty.
âI know,â says Chowder, easy enough. He doesnât have to like that his best friends argue, but heâs more okay with it now itâs evolved from constant, real barbs to bickering that occasionally blows up. Also, âYou do realise Iâm the one you both phone to complain about it, right?â
âSome of the only joy I get is listening to him complaining at you through the wall,â Nursey says, tone almost nostalgic. He sighs. âTake me home, C.â
And Chowder knows Nursey was kidding, but abruptly Chowder isnât. âYou know I wish I could,â he says, coming out way too serious. âOur apartment isnât the same without you leaving your underwear everywhere.â
Nurseyâs expression turns sad; Chowder is suddenly uncomfortably aware he isnât the only one who doesnât need a brain door to see right through the other. âI am trying really hard to like, will myself to get better,â Nursey says, solemnly earnest in a way he rarely is. âFollowing all the doctorâs orders and shit. Promise.â
âI know.â Which means resting and staying apart so Chowder can keep their bond shut tight to heal, under lock and key from Nurseyâs side of the bond going haywire. Waiting and doctorâs order suck.
âMostly,â Nursey continues, nudging Chowder and smiling hopefully at him, âso I can leave my underwear everywhere again. I didnât realise you missed it so much! I havenât done laundry in ages, youâre welcome to take some and throw it about the place yourself.â
Chowder smiles back; itâs not like he wants to feel sad, and he canât resist the fondness that wells up in him at Nursey trying. âNo thanks. Iâm not that desperate yet.â
âYour loss.â
âYeah, Iâm really hurting over here,â says Chowder, even though it does sting. He misses living with Nursey more than he couldâve imagined, all his annoying habits included. âI do miss having enough laundry to separate loads into like, how youâre supposed to do it. All the white things are going to need to get bleached.â
âThatâs the most boring, old person thing Iâve ever heard you say,â says Nursey, delightedly almost whacking Chowder in the balls where their legs are still all tangled up. âWho even are you, bro? I remember when neither of us could even use a washing machine.â
âShut up,â Chowder says, flushing at the joy in Nurseyâs gaze and in what little sense Chowder can get of their bond beyond the static. A bit in embarrassment, too, but no one likes when white clothes go grey, okay.
âOkay, no, confession for a confession. I miss being able to go fun places for date night.â
âSame,â Chowder agrees. Dexâs living room is decorated in an acquired taste and he never has the heat up high enough.
âI miss going to your games,â Nursey continues. âItâs not the same listening to the TV.â
âWeâre playing like ass right now, youâre not missing anything.â
Nursey pat Chowderâs arm. âItâs a team sport,â he says, which means yeah, theyâre playing badly, but heâs not going to say it. âTbh, you know what else I miss? My fucking aloe vera plant.â
Chowder wonders for a moment how his heart can feel so full with Nursey over the weirdest stuff â offering a care package of used underwear and fretting over the aloe vera plant that heâd saved from a dumpster and is now way overinvested in. âI promise Iâm taking care of your army of houseplants, aloe vera included.â
âYou better be. Theyâre my children.â
âNot our children?â Chowder asks and Nursey makes a so-so gesture. âHow about I bring one with me next time I come, in case theyâre missing their dad.â
Nursey looks horrified. âDonât, theyâre delicate!â he says, the idea of Chowder taking his precious plants outdoors for three seconds apparently too much. Then his face lights up: âActually, bring the lavender, itâll make Dex sneeze.â
Really, the weirdest, weirdest stuff. Chowder leans across to kiss Nursey for real for the first time that evening, because kissing only leads to stuff they canât do right now, but he canât help himself. âYou are a terrible housemate.â
Nursey is prevented from defending himself by the door bell, their take out with them at last. Chowder gets up to answer but he does grab Nurseyâs wallet off the side to pay and tips well. Once everythingâs set out, Chowder realises heâs actually kinda ravenous, so itâs a good few shovelling mouthfuls until he notices Nursey has paused, watching him, expression something. Chowder wouldnât ever, but suddenly really canât regret how exhausted heâs going to be tomorrow after keeping their bond shut for a whole evening together.
Curious, and only feeling slightly awkward to ask aloud (progress!), Chowder asks, âWhat are you thinking?â
âHow much I miss sucking your dick,â Nursey says, without an inch of shame.
âWell.â Really, really no regrets. Except for the fact that Nurseyâs got him thinking about it now. âNo disagreements here.â
Nursey knows as well as Chowder does that the doctor has ruled out sex until their bond is stable enough to withstand all the emotions let alone physical strain for Nurseyâs head, but he still asks, âAre you sure we couldnâtâ?â
âNope, nope, Iâm not risking that,â Chowder says, interrupting before Nursey actually outlines something and the whole idea becomes too tempting. âJust think about the amazing sex weâll have when youâre well enough.â
Nursey shoves noodles into his mouth, getting sauce on his chin, and somehow manages to chew disappointedly. âMy dick is getting fucking chafed with all the thinking about that Iâm doing, babe, donât you worry.â
Chowder swallows. âWell!â he says again. He doesnât have a come back for that. Itâs not like he isnât in the exact same situation. Nurseyâs grin says he gets it. âYou have sauce on your chin,â Chowder says, a pretty weak attempt at a topic change.
Nursey rolls his eyes and wipes across with the back of his hand. âDidnât know this was a fancy establishment.â
âObviously,â Chowder says. âI almost bought crème brĂťlĂŠe for dessert. But then I remembered we donât have the things to burn them. Although maybe Dex does? Anyway, I got cookies and milk instead.â
âAnd theyâve just been sitting in your backpack?â Nursey asks.
âOh,â says Chowder. Itâs been a while since he left the store. âYeah, sorry. Guess I was distracted by my hot, injured boyfriend?â
âIâll give you points for the flattery, but the milk is going to be all warm unless one of us puts it in the fridge.â They share an argument of looks that used to be more intense with the bond, and Chowder loses because Nursey is injured, so he goes and put the milk in the fridge.
âWait a second,â he calls from the kitchen, âI thought you were a heathen that likes warm milk with your cookies, or has Dex shown you the light?â
âNo way, but itâs warm milk like warmed on the stove, not gross room temperature shit,â Nursey replies, like this should be obvious.
Chowder comes back in time to see Nursey stealing the last pieces of beef from Chowderâs plate. He doesnât even have the decency to look apologetic, and Chowderâs heart doesnât even have the decency to feel annoyed with him.
âAll right,â Chowder says, getting comfortable on the couch again, careful to not knock any dishes over so Dex doesnât kill him. âIâm suggesting you finish your food â emphasis on your â because you need the vitamins and stuff so your body can heal, but after Iâll heat you up the nasty milk. Cool?â
âBest boyfriend ever,â Nursey agrees, and then in trying to give Chowder what looks to be an exaggeratedly smoochy, wet kiss promptly knocks his noodles over straight onto one of Dexâs fussy couch cushions.














