It feels like the more involved I have to get in human life, the harder it is to connect to my theriotype. It’s hard to find time to REALLY shift when you’re working for a whole week straight or can never find privacy. I crave to run free in the woods or a field instead of this backyard.
Part of me worries that maybe being a therian was a momentary thing, yet I still know I’m a wolf deep-down: I still wag, I still turn my head like a dog, I still “feel” my fangs, and I still identify with the community. I guess it just sorta comes and goes in waves with how strong it is. It’s hard to be a wolf when you have to face customers and have good speaking skills 😓
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What do you mean I can’t scratch my horns on things and leave marks?!? What do you mean I can’t lower my head and feel the weight of them pull me forward?!? What do you mean I can’t headbutt my friends and hear the clank of horn on horn?!?
Traumatic nonhumanity & fictionity; causation, revelation and reclaimation.
[Pt: TRaumatic nonhumanity and fictionity; causation, revalation and reclaimation. End PT.]
Cw for talks of trauma: abuse (physical & emotional), being followed,
Recently I've been pondering on how my nonhumanity is greatly influenced by my trauma. While the majority of my nonhumanity aren't caused by it, most aspects are affected or where revealed because of it. While I am nonhuman and "fauxly" human in many ways, in this ramble-post/wannabe-essay I'll delve into how my trauma is related to my werewolfhood, my kirahood (Light Yagami) and my autumnhood.
Causation; To be Kira
[Pt: Causation; To be Kira, end PT.]
While I may not have watched Death Note during my abuse, nor even known what it was, I am extremely sure that my deepfelt relation to Light Yagami is caused by it. The emotional, manipulatory nature of my abuse consisted largely of being told I was inherently immoral and weak. I could see the mistreatment to those around me, I could and can see the large issues of the world- yet dare not do anything. I believe and feel I should be good, most people tell me I am a kind, good person, yet the told evil I have done plagues my mind. The wrong of simply existing. This is what i feel in Light Yagami. Doing wrong in the desperate grasp to do right. I feel the veil, a veil of trying to justify my existence and harmful nature by making up for it. But even when I try to do right, to not be confrontational, to apologize for my mere existence, to hide away,- I am still wrong, still evil. To not act is wrong, and to act is wrong.
At the end of the day, I feel like I will fail- at least to an extent. I am inhuman in the eyes of others, not because of my species- and species traits, but because of my past and mind. While being viewed as inhuman is honestly a nice thing to me. It is me being recognized. I wish to be divine, a god of the new world, but I am subhuman.
Revelation; To be a werewolf
[Pt: Revelation; To be a werewolf, end PT.]
My werewolfhood is most definitely the identity I discuss the most on this blog, and with friends. I'd say it's because there *is* a lot to say. Not only is it an identity inherent to me, it has the unique experience of being revealed and supported by my abuse. My abuser agreed and supported my pshifting belief, and we tried shifting together- waiting for the time we could take our wolf forms. As I've discussed prior, in hindsight the support may have been misleading on purpose. Or misleading on non-purpose. She did use various abuse tactics that I cannot be sure where calculated, at the end of the day we where two kids.
I am hunted, followed by people both known and unknown. A creature not considered to belong. My nonhumanity is a way I should fight back, I should bite, I should claw, I should growl. Yet I don't. I've been held down, choked, pushed to the ground, had my limbs bent backwards and had things thrown at me. But I was told my werewolf body was weak, and going against other's wishes is evil; so I didn't. I could've shifted.
Reclaimation; To be the season of autumn
[Pt: Reclaimation; To be the season of autumn, end PT.]
Autumnhood to me is change. It is transformation, the contrast between vibrancy and dark muted colours. It is rain, it is wind, it is cold sunlight. I am the leaves that grow bright and warm before falling and crumbling on the ground. Now considered mere sound-makers to be walked over. But I wish to show this vibrancy through the art I create, to my style. I'm different and trans in all ways I can imagine. I am the change from life to death, from a perceived good to a perceived bad, I am nonhumanity. An object and concept.
I am reclaiming the season I was born, the season I embody. Rather than it being gloomy, dark and cold. A waiting period for a greater season- for winter. I am the in between. I transform, just like my werewolfhood. The month I was born is just as I was treated during my abuse. Repressed, just a passerby wishing to be missused.
that moment when you come across the picture of a random animal, and you look into its eyes, and your whole world gets flipped over again, cuz you’re finally recognizing yourself for the first time in a long time
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Not when I went on a 10-day excursion with school.
I never missed home, and at the time, I thought it was because my 'home' was wherever I felt save.
And although that isn't entirely untrue, it also isn't the full truth.
About two months ago, during class, for the first time, I *really* listened to Eternity by Alex Warren. And me being me, my mind wandered, finding a fitting scenario.
And for the first time in my life, I felt homesick.
I'm glad I could give you a bit of motivation, Mother! You're very motivating, too, so I guess it's like a tit-for-tat? Anyways, I have some questions, if you don't mind!
As a deity, do you accept stuff like worship, followers, offerings, etc? Or is that something you don't like / do?
Can I know more about you as a deity? Like all the little details you have? I love details!
Also, what are your other kintypes? I know you said deitykin would be the relevant one for this blog, but I'm still curious! Only if you wanna say, and that goes for all of the questions, of course!
I don't think I've written with this many exclamation points in a while...
🪞
Hello again, my child.
I'll gladly answer your questions. Curiosity is such a beautiful thing.
For your first question, while I don't actively seek out followers or worship, it is greatly enjoyed and appreciated of those who chose to do so for me. I accept any and all forms of offerings and worship. Whether it be prayers, creative works, digital altars, physical offerings, anything really. I do enjoy the attention.
I don't remember much of my deity self, but I'll gladly tell you what I do remember. I am the deity of lost souls and the realm in between. I lived in the space between everything. Imagine the multiverse, and my home was the bridge between realities. It existed between everything, the bridge to all dimensions, realities, planes, and realms. I often helped souls who wished to travel through these realms, which is why I am so connected to lost souls.
While I have many forms, my main one is Mother. I have four arms and three eyes, though when speaking with humans, I often hid these extra limbs since they were so easily frightened. I do not remember my eye color, though I do believe it was a constant swirl of whatever colors they were. My hair was a white so pure it was a color incomprehensible to humans, so they just saw it as white. The tips of my hair faded into an iredescent black as deep as the void and shining with more colors than the universe.
As for my other kintypes, I have quite a few, though many of which I have yet to kinfirm. I do have such a bad habit of procrastinating things, especially when it comes to identity. I'll mark the ones I am questioning with a [Q] to keep them organized (though that is most of them).
But here they are.
Fictionkins:
Angel dust (Hazbin Hotel)
Roman Sanders (Sanders Sides)
Hunter (The Owl House)
Dipper Pines (Gravity Falls) [Q]
Enderman [Q]
Minecraft Void [Q]
Otherkin:
Deity (as you already know)
Video Game character (not from a specific game)
Fae [Q]
Monster/Eldrich horror [Q] (unsure which)
Shadow creature [Q]
Dragon [Q]
Siren [Q]
Conceptkins:
Nothingness
Daydreams [Q although close to kinfirming]
Silence [Q]
Hunger [Q]
Void [Q]
Theriotypes:
Raven/crow (unsure which) [Q but close to kinfirming]
Wolf [Q]
Butterfly [Q]
Cat [Q]
I'll eventually sift through these to see which do fit, but for now, I'll keep them within my questioning pile. After all, there is no rush.
Thank you for the questions. I hope you have a blessed day/night.
Nonhuman challenge day 3: How old were you when you realized you were not human? What made you realize it?
Well that's a whole entire thing lol. Pretty much ever since I have memories, which go back (in a limited capacity) to when I was less than a year old. Those memories are more sensation than anything; smells, colours, lights.
I can always remember having a tail and wings that showed up occasionally. My first grounded sensation of having shifted was as a lion when I was 6 or so, because I was mad something fell on my tail and it actually hurt. This is funny to me now because the most feline I get these days is as my central form, a species with both lupine and draconic traits. The very first consistent form for me was horse. The interaction of the everyday world with my phantom limbs was what made me realize it mostly, and also when I started school with other kids, being shocked that they didn't have the same thing. You mean you don't want to run around on all fours and chew sticks? You don't want to whinny when you're excited? tf is wrong with y'all? lmao
As I started going to school, I was obsessed with the movie Tarzan, because it featured a character who struggled incredibly with his humanity. Mind you of all animals, the great apes are quite human-adjacent, but it still reached me on a profound level. And all of this was well before any traumatic incident in my life. I never spent my early years around pets, and didn't have the luxury of associating with animals generally. My sanctuary was movies in which the characters shared my feelings and experiences. A few more notable movies were Spirit: Stallion of the Cimmaron, Ladyhawke (an 80s romance movie in which the two mains turn into a wolf and hawk), and Brother Bear when that eventually came out. In my teen years, Wolf's Rain became my favourite piece of media. It remains to be so even now.
I remember very clearly when dragons became a part of it. I had always enjoyed the Gameboy Spyro games growing up, but it wasn't until junior high that I really leaned in to my dragon self. I spent years shifted as one, simply as a means to survive. I was terribly bullied in those years, and so I literally grew myself a set of armor (scales) and that's what saw me through. I also learned to be cunning and sneaky, like wolves when they don't want trouble. I grew up in Catholic school, and who was enemy no. 1 where they're concerned? Dragons and wolves. No wonder I'm an apostate now!
