#biomorpher

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A wide horisontal diamond, on each side of the rhombus there's a soft/ arrow pointing inward. The arrows begin in around the middle of each side. In the middle there's a 6 pointed star. It is all coloured black.

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A wide horisontal diamond, on each side of the rhombus there's a soft/ arrow pointing inward. In the middle there's a 6 pointed star. The arrows begin close to the top and bottom "point" and almost touch the star. It is all coloured black.

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Recently I've been pondering on how my nonhumanity is greatly influenced by my trauma. While the majority of my nonhumanity aren't caused by it, most aspects are affected or where revealed because of it. While I am nonhuman and "fauxly" human in many ways, in this ramble-post/wannabe-essay I'll delve into how my trauma is related to my werewolfhood, my kirahood (Light Yagami) and my autumnhood.

Causation; To be Kira

[Pt: Causation; To be Kira, end PT.]

While I may not have watched Death Note during my abuse, nor even known what it was, I am extremely sure that my deepfelt relation to Light Yagami is caused by it. The emotional, manipulatory nature of my abuse consisted largely of being told I was inherently immoral and weak. I could see the mistreatment to those around me, I could and can see the large issues of the world- yet dare not do anything. I believe and feel I should be good, most people tell me I am a kind, good person, yet the told evil I have done plagues my mind. The wrong of simply existing. This is what i feel in Light Yagami. Doing wrong in the desperate grasp to do right. I feel the veil, a veil of trying to justify my existence and harmful nature by making up for it. But even when I try to do right, to not be confrontational, to apologize for my mere existence, to hide away,- I am still wrong, still evil. To not act is wrong, and to act is wrong.

At the end of the day, I feel like I will fail- at least to an extent. I am inhuman in the eyes of others, not because of my species- and species traits, but because of my past and mind. While being viewed as inhuman is honestly a nice thing to me. It is me being recognized. I wish to be divine, a god of the new world, but I am subhuman.

Revelation; To be a werewolf

[Pt: Revelation; To be a werewolf, end PT.]

My werewolfhood is most definitely the identity I discuss the most on this blog, and with friends. I'd say it's because there *is* a lot to say. Not only is it an identity inherent to me, it has the unique experience of being revealed and supported by my abuse. My abuser agreed and supported my pshifting belief, and we tried shifting together- waiting for the time we could take our wolf forms. As I've discussed prior, in hindsight the support may have been misleading on purpose. Or misleading on non-purpose. She did use various abuse tactics that I cannot be sure where calculated, at the end of the day we where two kids.

I am hunted, followed by people both known and unknown. A creature not considered to belong. My nonhumanity is a way I should fight back, I should bite, I should claw, I should growl. Yet I don't. I've been held down, choked, pushed to the ground, had my limbs bent backwards and had things thrown at me. But I was told my werewolf body was weak, and going against other's wishes is evil; so I didn't. I could've shifted.

Reclaimation; To be the season of autumn

[Pt: Reclaimation; To be the season of autumn, end PT.]

Autumnhood to me is change. It is transformation, the contrast between vibrancy and dark muted colours. It is rain, it is wind, it is cold sunlight. I am the leaves that grow bright and warm before falling and crumbling on the ground. Now considered mere sound-makers to be walked over. But I wish to show this vibrancy through the art I create, to my style. I'm different and trans in all ways I can imagine. I am the change from life to death, from a perceived good to a perceived bad, I am nonhumanity. An object and concept.

Like I was always a werewolf, before, during, and after my abuse. But my trauma made me peel back the perfomative humanity I'd had.

I was always a werewolf, but I believe my trauma particularly made me a werewolf with little control of its shifts (due to stress and as a safety mechanism), a werewolf who can stand bipedally but prefers being quadrupedal, a werewolf filled with guilt, repressed ferocity and feral anger. But it's self inflicted anger.

My "performance" made me careful, trodding, never angry, never ferosious, never engaging in conflict or debate. I repressed my emotions yes, but I also repressed my instincts, my behaviours and what I am. To clrify, I don't think I would not have been different morally, but I most definelty would have fought back, or better sought help.

The times I've been pushed, restrained, choked, twisted and touched. (The unvoluntaey bodily violent tickling-trauma is included/srs it truly sucks to have such a "funny" trigger.Man)

All these times I should have bitten, frowled, hissed, claed, I should have shifted and resisted. But I couldn't. The fear to be me, and to be wrong.

To be the monster I was always told to and implied to be. Turns out I am a monster, but not one in naturey but by perception. I'm odd, I'm not human, I'm queer.- Being a werewolf makes me monstorous in a sense, but it is not an evil monster. It is misunderstood. Attempts made to hide its animality away, to be dubbed "acceptable". But I never fully will, and that is okay. It is the fault of societys norms, bigotry and human supremacy, not my "defectness".