#nomad manager

Lessons from Vipassana A Year After

On this same day last year, I was ending a 10-day Vipassana Meditation Retreat, and I felt ready to go back into society. We had zero outside contact: no phones, no wi-fi, no talking to fellow retreat-goers, and even no writing/journaling.

The retreat was something I was looking forward to, to both shut out the noise from the outside world, and go deeper into my own thoughts, free of the usual responsibilities or obligations we have to face as members of society. In a way, one may call it escapism, but others might actually say it’s getting more in touch with your own reality - what you actually want and care for if you didn’t feel the rest of the world breathing down your neck.

Here’s some of the stuff I took away from then:

The Art of Dying is the Art of Living. Always been a fan of this philosophy since I was younger. So it just echoed it more.

Non-attachment ≠ No goals / ambition The thing that always baffled me about Buddhist philosophy since I encountered it in my college days was how could it be applied in a modern society obsessed with productivity / success / KRAs (Key Result Areas) / KPIs (Key Performance Indicators). It’s become clearer to me that it’s more about have goals in place but not causing one’s self and others extreme misery or wanting to go kill one’s self just because certain ideals were not met.

Non-attachment = Everything changes (impermanence) Shit happens. Move on. Good things don’t always stay that way. That’s life.

You learn a lot by observing people in silence. It was as much an introspective experience as it was an anthropological experience for me. I’d forgotten how amusing it was to observe people like that. And you can tell a lot about people by how they act in that environment.

Silence is sacred. We always tend to have some sort of media on, whether it’s checking Facebook or Instagram, listening to some music, watching TV, going to the movies, or listening to podcasts. But we need to conscious of our consumption of all that media all the time too, and not be obsessed either being hyper-productive all the time, or drowning out our own thoughts with all these distractions during possible pockets of silence.

It is amazing what you can do with strong, yet detached determination.

Read more:  • 100 hours in 10 days: Getting Ready + FAQs about my Vipassana Meditation Marathon • Going Inside Out: Melancholia and the Entrepreneur-Changemaker’s Dilemma (Funnily, both these highly introspective articles were written in the month of August in 2016 and 2015 respectively.)

The lessons I wrote from meditation back then are amusing, and just as relevant to read right now. Particularly the lessons on non-attachment and the art of living. 

How do we move past pain and regret? Forgiveness and self-love. And the knowledge that this suffering is impermanent. How do we move forward with more purpose and meaning? Clarity.

Easier said than done. :) But I’ve been trying.

I’ve begun writing more, meditating more (aided with the Calm app that I've actually been paying for since June this year), talking to more people again about ideas for future non-consultancy-related projects (which I’ve managed to avoid for over a year). I’ve also begun to plan again beyond the next few months, and actually plan for a year in advance, because that’s how it has to be if I want to grow what I do at Muni.

Regaining Control, Direction & Navigating Life

Being not typically a planner myself, the spontaneous, free spirit that I am, the idea of planning a year ahead can be somewhat stifling or suffocating. However, it is this same quality of mine that inhibits longer term success because I can’t commit to something. Whether it be because I fear failing, or somehow, paradoxically fear the implication of success.

Whatever the case may be, the hardest part of the past year and a half was having no land in sight, and having others at the helm of my vessel. It was enough to drive a person mad. 

I couldn’t make plans if I didn’t know where I was going to be. And it was emasculating to feel like you didn’t even have the power to make some of those decisions for yourself because they were dependent on the approval of others, whether in the areas of love, work/purpose, or family/health.

Now, it seems like I have a simpler decision-making process to deal with, and a smaller area of focus: work/purpose, since the other areas have somehow sorted themselves out (thanks, impermanence).

I’m shaping my life to be what I want it to be, and while I still have a feeling of Impostor Syndrome, I’m more confidently just doing what I will, ‘til I become what I want to be. I’ve already been on this journey for a while, and in spite of detours and winding roads, I’m beginning to see how things are slowly, steadily coming to place. 

I do not know for certain what lies ahead, a free-spirited being that I am. Though there are certain ideals I would like to maintain, I have no one fixed way to get there. But I know that there are certain routes I don’t want to take. That to me is clear. It took me a while to come to this clarity, but my mind is rising from the fog.

Some things I want to remember:

I do not apologize for my being.

I do not apologize for my desire for freedom, spontaneity and choice, or my open-mindedness and adaptability. I’m a wanderer, drawn to different experiences, not one to be tied down. I am not a creature to be kept in captivity, to subscribe to someone else’s rules or society’s arbitrary norms. Not everyone is comfortable with change or constant flux. Some part of me seeks sameness and a certain degree of predictability day to day, but always with the freedom to choose. I hope you have found the right balance between change and routine.

I do not want to apologize for taking up people’s time. It’s one thing to be gracious when granted it, but quite another to not feel worthy enough of other people’s time, rushing through my words lest I lose their attention. My own time is as valuable as the time I take from others who spend it with me. As certain as I am that I am perfectly alright on my own, I know I want other people around me, people to empower, to love, and to make happy, be it my community, friends or family, to make my time on this world more worthwhile.

I hope that these feelings still ring true to you today, and that you’re in a good place, wherever in the world you may be, around people that give you time and are worthy of your time. 

I feel like I got sidetracked for a while, but I hope I’m now beginning to craft the life that I truly desire. No regrets. 

I live life each day as I choose to. And each day, I’m at peace if it were my last. There are things I still wish to do, but in each day leading up to that, I am here and I am whole. Always remember that.

The great news is that you will get past this, and this is only the first of many other talks that would be recorded and posted online, and this will give you the incentive to make sure you get the right content out there to represent you. Get crackin’ on your content series!

I’m not here to magic crystal ball your future and tell you that you’ve reached Alex Blumberg or Anna Akana skill / popularity in terms of podcast or YouTube content. Whatever you choose to do now will affect my current life still, so I’m careful about doling out advice or giving you facts about the current state of my life. Yep, butterly effect. I’m really just telling you things you already know, and what you need to be more aware of.

You constantly tell yourself and other people that our lives are the tapestry woven by all the good and bad things happen to us and that we make happen, and that ultimately the apparent “setbacks” we face or “mistakes” we make are those which make our lives more interesting, and for a large part, you do believe it. Make that voice louder, and ask yourself what you can learn from each opportunity. Take a deep breath. And go on and change the course of things because you can. And because you know you will regret it more if you don’t.

On Alignment and Congruence

One of your major hangups right now is having alignment and congruence, and as a consistent theme with a few other things you’ve written by this point in your life, you worry about being a “fraud”, of being “found out”.

NEWS FLASH. No one was an expert at anything from the start. In your discovery of more ways to live mindfully, gently apply whatever you can, and share whatever you know. “Wisest is he who knows he does not know,” said Socrates.

You’re also very forgiving and encouraging of others to just get started on mindful living, but you’re always so hard on yourself, worrying about the judgment of others, when the truth is, no one is judging you more than yourself. Just stop with the disclaimers and just do needs to be done. I’d give you a major bitch-slapping if I could.

To live more mindfully is not to torture and paralyze yourself in Sartrean existentialism, but to empower yourself to discover and live the life of meaning to you and your relation to this world.

Learn to cut yourself some slack, and be bold enough to live your truth, whatever that may be.

On Feigning Confidence

You don’t see the Jen I know is there right now, the Jen that yes, other people admire and look up to. You worry constantly about not being good enough, and being found out as a fraud, which is why you take plenty inspiration from Amy Cuddy’s TED Talk (moment at 18:07).

Oftentimes, you think, yup, I’ve just got to fake it ‘til I make it. I’ve got to show this semblance of success or knowledge or confidence so that I’ll be believable, and that they’ll bet on me. You still have many hangups and insecurities that you are sometimes transparent about, which you feel are signs of weakness. But others don’t see that. Others are betting on you. You know this. Now you’ve just got to bet on yourself too. Go all in, knowing that your hand has a pretty good chance of winning. But you won’t know if you don’t make that bet.

Sometimes you forget that there are many people who believe in you. You just need to remember that these people exist, and that words of adulation were spoken/written.

You may feel like you’re losing steam now, but you’ve got to be willing to endure because anything in life worth doing is worth spending a lot of time improving.

Tomorrow, I turn 40. And to be honest, the age, the number of accomplishments under my belt, they don’t matter so much to me, because I know, thanks to the work you’re doing now, I’ve managed to touch and influence other people to lead better lives for themselves and for others too.

I’ll catch up with you again soon enough.

When you were younger (think grade school, high school or college), you probably had no clue where you would actually be at this point in your life, in terms of what you'd be doing professionally, specifically. I think while you've significantly narrowed the field down, you're still figuring it out and tesing out different hypotheses.

On NOT Nomad Managing Some 8 years ago, at the young and springy age of 22, as co-founder of a retail startup, I had probably already pictured myself as a Nomad Manager, although this self-indulgent blog didn't come to fruition until 2011. I just knew that I couldn't be "locked down" in one place. I imagined I would be remotely managing my retail business, while I traveled the globe, seeking new land to conquer (personally, and with my business), while my more efficient and tycoon-like partner grew the business in other ways at its home base in Manila. Alas, things don't always turn out as one might expect. And whether it's actual gratitude and happiness or a means to assuage ill feelings about expectations not seen through, I do feel like what I'm doing now is a better use of my time -- even though I have very little resources to do all the traveling I imagined I'd be doing, and even though it makes me feel like it's necessary for me to stay in Manila for the most part vs. really working from wherever. (Now whether or not the latter feeling is just a result of fear or lack of a team is debatable. But that's writing for another day.)

Being the super intense overthinker that I am, I question a lot of the decisions I've made before. But sometimes, we just have to suck it up and keep going. We don't get to redo the past. But we have the opportunity to redo with every new day. Chika.

On Trust So without further platitudes, it's high time you organize yourself and your life a bit more. Keep revisiting your why and ikigai. Learn to trust in your ability to make things happen, and more importantly, learn to trust others too. Be more willing to bet on people even when there have been times that they let you down. This is not to say that you should be satisfied with mediocre performance or that you should tolerate people cheating or taking shortcuts, but that you should empower people by giving them more room to think for themselves, to wow you and themselves, because you believe in their ability to excel. There have been people who bet on you, and it feels good, when people believe in you. I would like you to give that feeling to others too.

On Courage You're not special, you're a no one. You're no hero. You know that. And this isn't some self pity whining. I think the beauty lies in recognizing this, and realizing that you've somehow still managed to move others. Whether that number of people is a million or ten doesn't matter so much in this letter. Perhaps it matters for awards or accolades or whatever, but those don't have the same weight for you as a simple note thanking you for being one of the good things in this world.

You've made mistakes. You've shortchanged some people before. And you can make it up to them now in more ways than one. 

You can whine about the time you lost, because there is some comfort in that, and it's like a means of letting yourself off the hook because you're now 30 and (you think that) no one is (or maybe less people are) watching you now. But you know better than doing things simply because you think others are watching. And you know better than to let go of a goal just because some things are muddling visibility.

So stop writing and get crackin'. It's a new day.  The past has passed. The future can wait. Let’s do this. 

There have been a number of awesome / unbelievable things that have happened in my life since my last real post in March, what with all of MUNI's summer events, the Global Shapers and WEF East Asia + OCEAN (where Maria Ressa singles me out while delivering her closing speech in a room of at least some 300 movers and shakers), MUNI Market Day, and so on.

I'm not about to rattle on about success here though. Rather, I've been overwhelmed by a feeling of "stuckness" recently. Like I'm constantly moving, but struggling in quick sand, and I'm not sure if my toils will get me out of the pit or just bury me deeper.

Don't work hard, work smart, they say.

But what is it to work smart?

I've encouraged people to discover what work or pursuit they value most in life. And to a certain extent, I believe I've found that for myself. Now whether or not the path I am taking to pursue what I believe is worthwhile for me in this lifetime is "correct" or not, I am never certain. I constantly second guess myself and my decisions. I am not accustomed to elaborate or technical plans, or KPIs and KRAs as measures of success.

The past couple of months, after the excitement of MUNI Market Day died down, I've been struggling with Muni and Tala Luna's direction, business plan, and feasibility.

It's been 5-6 months now since I resigned from a part-time job, and I've been relying on my entrepreneurial pursuits since then. It hasn't been easy - the well is drying up, and I find myself thinking sometimes, in wee hours of wakefulness such as this, whether I should find a job and more reliable sources of income.

And oh how I hate having to think about the money side of my pursuits because these are things I don't want to pursue for the money, and I guess I'm not motivated by that still, but money is necessary to pursue them fully. And yet at the same time, I want to grow and make that money on my own terms, which I find myself constantly reassessing, even if it might be the more difficult path.

While my scene is more of the struggling startups, I've also hung around with highly successful entrepreneurs or those who have successfully secured substantial funding, and it can be quite pressure-inducing, specially when you're constantly told about the good things you do and how you should dream bigger, aim higher, make x amount of money for x idea or by x date.

But maybe I wasn't wired that way.

Quoting from my last Letter To Self:

This is not to say that we don’t aspire for more, or that we don’t set long term goals, but more of setting them on your own terms, remembering that remaining mindful of how you live life everyday is above all else.

...which is as good a reminder for my 33-year-old self as it is for me now.

ON YOUR GOALS

You're a chameleon. You work well wherever you are, and you can excel when you choose to. We just have to remind ourselves to be clear with what we want, or at least the general direction in which we want to go. Life is always ready with new experiences and encounters that can throw you off course, especially if you don't have a firm handle on the wheel.

As of this date, my main pursuits include:

MUNI, influencing others, and connecting people -- mainly for the environment, and a sense of purpose

Traveling and diving -- mainly for yourself

Tala Luna, and promoting indigenous textiles -- mainly for culture, and also a sense of purpose

Influencing others, traveling, love for the environment and indigenous textiles (or that which is local) have been consistent passions that have in one way or another played a part in your life as soon as you were introduced to them. 

On being kind to yourself

Let's face it, this (albeit a less daring [cliff-diving] and less judgmental [office/desk jobs can be honorable] version) is largely who I am -- a relatively spontaneous, self-diagnosed ADD-stricken girl who is constantly on a search for her place in the world. And I suppose I'm not trying to counsel my older self, but more of remind you to be kind to yourself no matter what happens with the above pursuits, and to properly congratulate yourself for coming as far as you did (which I'm sure you did).

5 years ago, I (Or we? Talking to myself is a mind trip.) was set on a different course, one quite different from the one I'm on now. Life turned out better than expected (in terms of fulfillment as opposed to financial success), which I believe the universe conspires to make happen when we pursue things that light our fire and blaze a trail of positive change along the way.

On being in the here and now

My simple goal back then, as it is now, was to have the independence and capacity to live where my feet (or fins) might take me, to have control of my time, and to be happy wherever I am. And with that sense of contentment and mindfulness, to be completely in the here and now, I wouldn't really need much else now, would I?

I hope you have found this permanent place in your mind. And if you haven't, I hope you continue seeking it. Or stopping so it can find you. 

This is not to say that we don't aspire for more, or that we don't set long term goals, but more of setting them on your own terms, remembering that remaining mindful of how you live life everyday is above all else.

ON AGING (Yes, let's face it)

At this point, you may also start to feel some pressure to find a life partner or have your own family, like most of your peers. Know that I, your 28-year-old self, am totally convinced that it's not a measure of success or a necessary life milestone.

Good lord, I can't believe I even have to say it, but I feel I need to in case you second guess that now that you're older, and maybe more people are reminding you about your ticking biological clock. DON'T BREAK. STAY STRONG.

ON LOVING YOURSELF 

If you've reached the point where you've fully embraced your whole being, congratulations! I love you! If not, keep trying! I'm sure it takes constant practice. Make sure you're still spending a good amount of time outdoors, and taking the time to write meaningful things - looking back with pride at the past, being grateful in the present, and hopeful for the future.

I hope you come back to this post to see how you've grown and changed for the better, and how you've (delightfully) stayed true to your real self.

The thing about talking first is that one may wind up eating one's words (saying you'll do something and wind up not being able to). In other cases, we might talk as if we are something already (talking before walking), with the aim of someday being seen as a resource in this or that, though not feeling anywhere close to an expert at this point, and fearing that we may one day be exposed as a fraud. (Or maybe that's just a thought I have on my own that other people don't share?)

What I feel we need to remind ourselves though is that:

People won't know about our dreams and plans if we don't broadcast them, which is also an early way of marketing it and finding potential partners or allies.

People don't need to be complete experts at something in order to share some knowledge. They just need to know more than their audience. Besides, the best teacher / speaker / resource person is he / she who knows that he / she has much more to learn.

I've put out there the word of the revised MUNI website and some of our plans for the year, along with my upcoming Textile Lifestyle brand, which has yet to be renamed, because when I start spreading the news on Facebook, I found out that I had to revise its name. :P The process has helped me get ideas, insights and allies, and curiosity.

Recently, I was also invited to a number of events and speaking engagements where I felt like I didn't / don't deserve to be there. Thinking about it now, it's really just some dumb esteem issue of mine, and I should just be honored for the invitation and just frikkin' own it & work it (gurl).

JUST DO IT

2013 had a shortage of me writing about my endeavors - my successes and failures, here on my personal blog, partly because I was preoccupied with just doing work that I needed to get done, without taking enough time to assess and reassess, and actually share thoughts and insights on my experiences on this blog (which is basically supposed to be my brain on a plate).

And another part, is me feeling like I either didn't have anything significant enough to write or feeling like I didn't have enough time to craft the perfect blog post. The first one is just dumb because there's so much to write, I just self-filter too much. The second one is dumber because this blog is personal, it's supposed to be super imperfect. Perfection is overrated anyway. The solution? Just do it! It is by consistently putting stuff out there that we can find the gems!

--

So they say actions speak louder than words, but what if we coupled our actions with more empowering words? What if we convinced ourselves to move through the words we say or write? :) Let's try and find out.

So there. I once again present my brain on a plate for your consumption. Hope you enjoyed and got a tidbit or two of nourishment for yourself!

Off to an amazing day!

In July 2011, I took a trip with friends to Vietnam, at a time when I felt fatigued and in need for a break. When I came back home, I found the same heaviness on my shoulders, and that I really just wanted to be anywhere but where I was. I channeled this towards this Nomad Manager Tumblr blog, which I created to help keep me on track on the road to getting out of a rut. In the year that followed, it served as a reminder of my dream of location independence, and the steps I could take towards that goal.

Along the way, I found other things that inspired me, and more and more that I had a desire to share some things with the world that I hadn't been able to do with how I was living my life at that point. But I was stuck, I didn't know what to do. And while I had an idea, I was met by resistance, and simultaneously, self-imposed obligations to individuals I cared about.

On July 1, 2012, I packed my life essentials into a tiny 9-kilo bag. Double checked that I had my passport, the address of the guesthouse I booked 2 nights at, my ticket to Siem Reap for that day, and my ticket back to Manila from Kuala Lumpur on September 14, 2012, and hopped on the plane.

I was so tired with what I had been doing up until that point, and I validated to myself that my fatigue had become a weighty insouciance, and that it couldn't be solved by a break, but really, by a drastic change. So, 3 weeks into my trip, I did. Not the fairest thing to my team, but I figured they best know sooner than 7 weeks later.

Fast forward to November 2012, when I created Muni.com.ph, and I've felt blessed to have it in my life since. Because up until Muni, I felt like I was just a drifter; I was doing things others seemed to admire (Punchdrunk Panda), but I didn't feel as happy as I thought I should be. Finally, with Muni, I found a sense of fulfillment I didn't find before. Being so-called "selfless" is the most selfish thing that I've done.

Muni has been so fortunate to receive the support of so many talented, passionate individuals, and I really want to make it grow even more, and really create a platform for people to share more freely. In the meantime, while I raise funds for that or create a viable business model for that, I'm glad to have experienced TrainStation in April 2013.

On July 2, 2013, just yesterday, I got to know the rest of the TrainStation family, and I realized how wonderfully it really ties in with my long term vision for Muni. Ultimately, I created Muni with the idea of sharing mindful living, and somehow, it steered more into the direction of environment and social enterprises that I forgot about nurturing the very crucial aspect of the self, and that at the core of it all, it's really empowering the individual, showing them that they have the ability to create ripples of change within their circles, who will in turn affect their own circles (as my idol Maria Ressa puts it).

I'm anxious / nervous / excited about what lies ahead for me now, as is expected with any new and unfamiliar experience. Last year, I stripped down my life to the basics, packed in a bag and left. This year, I know I don't need to go anywhere to escape a humdrum life, but instead, create interesting things around me - meet people and just do some stuff together!

I've blabbered on for long enough, a necessary process for me because I feel like I need to hear my thoughts out loud or see them on paper or my computer screen for them to be real. Things are coming together, and I'm excited for the possibilities. :)

Time to get crackin'.