#nightposting

my head takes a step back while my heart magnifies. it dares, so audaciously, to conjure these dreams, these fictional realities that seem so far away from my grasp. i don’t like it. i don’t like the person it turns me into because there’s no one to contain her. i melt, like a liquid, like silver in a flame— with no mold to encase me. so out of touch with who i am in reality.

I shall simply perish

My my my, would you look at that! We've finally reached the one-week mark of these silly little posts of mine. I honestly didn't think I'd get to this point, but here we are. Gotta say, kudos to me for being able to keep this thing going for so long. I think I deserve a little pat on the back for that. Good job, Xiro! Thank you, Xiro! Now, as I've mentioned yesterday, I have a special post for today.

Today, I'm going to talk about something really special to me. Today's topic, or rather, subject, has gotten me through the worst times of my life and never fails to be a source of comfort for me. Without further ado, today's topic is...

BADLANDS by Halsey.

Now, you might asking yourselves: "Xiro, what is so special about this album?" And I'm going to tell you.

BADLANDS is Halsey's first studio album, released on August 28th, 2015. I think I was around 12 years old at that time. Unfortunately, I hadn't discovered this masterpiece at the time of its release, only later, around 2018-2019. I still remember the first time I heard about this album.

I was in class, somewhere around 1pm, during a break between classes. I was talking with a couple of my classmates about music, and one of them showed us a Halsey song she found. I didn't know who Halsey was, nor what her music sounded like, but this song spoke to me. It was Control, track 14th on the Deluxe version of the album. When I heard it, it instantly resonated with me. I wanted to keep on listening to it. Before I knew it, I was playing it on repeat all throughout the day, after classes have ended.

Then, I decided to listen to all of the songs. I loved every single one of them. I don't think I don't love a single song off that album. My favorite tracks are "Control", "Haunting", "Castle" and "Drive" and "I Walk The Line".

"But Xiro, that's like, half of the album!"

I know. It's so hard to pick just one favorite song when the entire album is my favorite. I can't just pick one. I have to pick them all. I have to pick the entire album.

I continued listening to this album, even though everyone around me moved on from it. This album- no, this concept stayed with me through this very day.

The concept of BADLANDS is about a dystopian city surrounded by desert wastelands that traps its inhabitants. It's both literal Badlands (the geographic structures) but also bad lands , a sort of metaphor for Halsey's mental health as she was struggling with her Bipolar Disorder diagnosis. I resonated with this within my on diagnosis, and I've never found an album that accurately depicts the feelings that I'm feeling. Ever since then, BADLANDS has been my inspiration, my goal, my mentor and my comfort.

To old Tumblr veterans, the name BADLANDS is probably an eye-twitch response. Back when it came out, you could not escape this album! Lyrics off of "Colors", "Gasoline" and "Hurricane" were all over the place! But as someone who discovered the album late, I was only around to witness its remnants. Still, it was this album that led me to Tumblr way back then. I would have never found this website, had I not discovered BADLANDS.

Now, as I've mentioned, BADLANDS has been important to me throughout my entire life. Whenever I would listen to this album, it was like my emotions were put into music, and hearing them sung out with Halsey's emotional voice and power, it made me feel seen, it made me feel understood, it made me feel like I was not alone; that someone out there knew what my struggles are like.

BADLANDS, to me, became sort of a refuge. Throughout the worst times of my depression, listening to BADLANDS and bawling my eyes out would ease the pain just a little bit. As I was walking home, alone on that one god forsaken night, I had BADLANDS playing in my headphones, and it somehow made the pain hurt a little less. When I would find myself at rock bottom, putting on this album would lift me up just a little bit.

My biggest dream in my life is to attend a Halsey concert and hear her play "Control" live on stage. I don't know whether she performs that song a lot, but it's my favorite nonetheless. You can't imagine my excitement and joy when BADLANDS (Live from Webster Hall) came out. I remember it like it was yesterday. I was home alone, and found it listed on Spotify, without knowing anything about it. I was shaking with excitement, smiling from ear to ear, my eyes shining like I'd just discovered a gold mine.

I listened to the entire album on speakers, jumping up and down in my room like I was a little kid again. I was crying. I was laughing. I was happy. I absolutely adored this release.

Not getting to attend a live concert of hers when the 10 year anniversary of BADLANDS rolled around is still my biggest disappointment in life. If I could start my life over, from the beginning, that is the only thing I'd change. I'd make sure that, no matter what, I'd go to that concert. And I'd rock the fuck out.

This album saved my life. This album is the reason why I'm even here typing this. With tears in my eyes and a smile on my face, I'm proud to say that this album saved me.

So thank you, Ashley Nicolette Frangipane, for putting out such an incredible album that saved the lives of countless kids out there. You're my inspiration in life. You are my role model.

I wish you nothing but good health, prosperity and lots of love in your life. I doubt you'll ever see this, but I still want to say that there is no amount of words across all the languages in the universe, past, present or future, that can accurately describe what this album means to me.

This does feel like paradise.