#negative test

Lili plays the main character Natalie in the two versions of her life after a potential pregnancy test. This gif pack is of the negative test result.

This does not explain why I had all the covid symptoms including loss of sense of smell, so who even knows. Maybe it’s a false negative and I’m Typhoid Mary, but my job expects me to come back to work tomorrow, so yeah.

Every month, like most woman, I have to deal with the emotional response that comes when starting your period when you're trying to conceive. It’s not something we often talk about—the energy and emotion we put towards our bodies in trying to conceive and consistently failing. Conception is supposed to be the fun part, but once conception is not even close to enough to get the desired result—it results in completely get discouraged, angry, envious.

It’s never something I thought I’d have to deal with. As kids everyone tells us as young women that we need to be safe, that we need to be careful during sex, because of “how easily” one can become pregnant and have to take on such a huge responsibility. But-- They don’t tell you how often woman struggle to conceive in the first place, or struggle or carry to term, consistently having miscarriages and negative pregnancy tests. We were told over and over again how easy it is for a woman to get pregnant and how vigilant we need to be to avoid it. We weren’t ever told that as easy as it can be for some to get pregnant, it’s equally as difficult for some. For the woman like me, who have no idea who they can be, who they would be, if I don’t have children. Not having children wasn’t ever an option. But I never imagined I’d have this much difficulty attempting to have that.

One miscarriage in 2012 and that was the very last time I was pregnant. I never even had a “scare” since. But I’ve been off birth control for so long and you’d at least think by now I’d have some resemblance of a chance at being a mother.

I say all of this because I started my period this morning.

I say all this because it’s not easy to stay positive and excited and hopeful about having a child. It’s hard to even want to do the “fun parts” of conception because of the discourage I feel towards getting pregnant in the first place. It’s like every month I’m waiting for it finally be my turn—but it never is. Every month that passes and every month that another pregnancy is announced I get more and more discouraged… because what’s the point? What if I can’t? What if I’ll never have my own kids? This is America—I legally can’t adopt due to income and status. There are no options for woman like me unless I’m married to a man that makes six figures. All I want, all I’ve ever wanted, is my own family—my own children. I’ve done and tried every trick in the book, and since February have put more effort into trying to get pregnant than I have literally anything else in my life… but if it just simply continues to not be enough—then I have no idea what else to do. Because I’m not one of those women that can “find purpose” in being childless. Being childless isn’t an option to me, because staying childless is practically a death sentence for woman like me. but there’s nothing I can do except try, and try, and try again…

Blessed Be.. and remember to keep holding on.

Long story long, I bought the test, came home and took it.

It was negative.

I simultaneously felt relieved and sad. Logical vs emotional sides really struggled with that. Sigh.