#narcicism

Unfortunately, I must have been in the wrong place at the wrong time, because not only did I meet some people that were messed up enough to tell me that I was lying outright, but I also met the kind that pretended to be my friends, one was my boyfriend even, the worst of all, and then they slowly flipped the script.

It got so sick to the point where I pulled out my own doctors notes in disbelief, showed them, and they still didn’t believe me.

I felt guilty. I felt like I didn’t deserve to exist. I felt like a liar, lured into a trap I didn’t know I was falling in. I felt as though I didn’t deserve to have feelings, or even breathe the air they breathe!!!

I felt like some disgusting, caged leper no one should ever dare touch...

Unacceptable!!!

So if you’ve ever been gaslighted generally, or for specifics like your illnesses or disabilities, or any of that, know that I am here, I relate, I accept you, and I am here for you. You were not lying. You were not undesirable. You are the beautiful, promising, deserving you! And I love you for that!

And the thing is, you are still you, no matter how many people say you aren’t. You deserve to be loved and have friends and love just like any other. You are human too, and the rest of the world can suck it up if they don’t get it!

A chronic condition makes you no less of a person!

I may write about this from time to time, because now that it’s been long enough, I have learned so much, and I will never let that happen again. That’s a promise to myself.

I finally got the diagnosis and last week, my doctor prescribed me a wheelchair and that's sooo good because I couldn't leave the house for almost two years now.

So my narcissistic father heard about that and the first thing he says is: "But you won't use the wheelchair for a longer period of time, will you!?!" And I answer: "Well yes, it's a gene defect, it won't get better. I'm so happy I can finally move without all the pain! :) "

And he LITERALLY answers: "I see, so you don't have the ambition to even try to get better."

Apparently he'd rather have me in pain because a wheelchair means I'm not trying and I'm not willing it to get better.

I'm doing a lot by the way - which he never asked - I just can't cure deficient genes because I'm just human...?

Sure, right now I never wash my hair, and I have multiple crippling anxiety disorders, and I don't shower enough, and I never exercise, and I eat really horribly, and I hate myself, and I want to die at least 50% of the time, and my self esteem is so low that it's in the negatives, and my attention span is a good 26 seconds

But when that's all gone? When I'm better? Ooooh, y'all better watch out

We can trace narcissistic behaviors to a narrow set of coping strategies for anxiety.

In other words, a method for controlling the environment to reduce certain thoughts and feelings that are painful to experience. Someone who is "a narcissist" is someone who engages in behaviors to manipulate the environment in order to reduce the turmoil that's inside of them.

Most narcissists suffer greatly from feelings of inferiority and fear of abandonment. They lack a fledged out "I"- a sense of "self"- and make up for that by generating a grandiose, bold identity. It's an armor. It looks tough, but it's frail.

Narcissists put a lot of effort into controlling their environment, too. Because life is often unpredictable, and the sad truth that people do leave (they die, change jobs, etc.), trying to hold onto the goodness of connection and so on, results in the unwanted feelings. For instance, I have a mentor who lived nearby for a few years. She then moved hours away. It happens. For some people, however, abandonment (or FEAR of abandonment) can lead to developing narcissistic traits.

Narcissism isn't a disease. It's an adaptive method of control. Some LEARNS these behaviors.

So narcissists will tend to make a lot of chaos. As long as they were responsible for it, they feel a sense of control. It's kind of a paradox: more chaos mean more sense of control. Narcissists push people away. Again, they don't get the connection they deeply desire, but at least they were in charge of the pushing, and weren't abandoned by someone else.

It's a vacuum, however. Because the controlling leads to more chaos and loneliness, the temporary relief from fear works, but the long term relief is never gained. So narcissists get very good at manipulating the environment to make it seem like it's not them, it's you. Doing so gets them off the hook for their own self-defeating behaviors.

Partners of narcissists, for instance, are often confused, unsure if they are responsible for problems. They might be manipulated into apologizing for their behavior, when actuality, it's their narcissistic partners who are problematic.

We all possess some narcissism. In small dosages it's normal and not often an issue. Many celebrities and politicians are more narcissistic than others, though- reaching a status of power creates a sense of control. Again, the environment might be controlled, but the internal fears and lack of "I" festers and festers. More power is gained. More fear.

Only narcissists who are willing to step out of this cycle can begin to develop new, more functional behaviors.

This article is about the narcissist who isn't:

So, let's just say, hypothetically, that we have a narcissist in a position of extreme power, like a president, (or something). And let's say that this president (or whatever position) is nearing the end of his term. That's right: he might be losing power, losing control of his environment. It's very likely his manipulative behaviors will increase in a desperate grasp for control.

Someone in this position will lean towards eliciting chaos, fear, anger, and so on because, once again, it's more predictable than harmony, closeness, and wellness.

Let's say someone like this is president during a pandemic. He likely didn't start the pandemic, but he will absolutely want to leverage the chaos and fear a pandemic creates in people.

And if the climate is- (still hypothetically, of course)- in a terrible state, this same politician might want to disrupt the climate more, harm the environment more. He might want to drill deeper. There's some power in that, when the reverse- trying to heal the planet- is a bigger unknown.

And let's say that something like racism is an entrenched and horrific source of separation and anger. This guy didn't start racism, but he will leverage it for his own benefit.

Therefore, you have someone who wants you to feel angry at him, to yell at him, to fight him. This ensures he has a sense of power and control. He adds it to his armor. He's not the problem. You are because you're the one yelling and fussing. He's in power and only doing his job.

And, like most narcissists, this person of power will likely be very good at having people feel confused, angry, isolated, and so on.

He may, for instance, want people in masks, not because it's a healthy thing to do, but because it covers up our faces. We can't see or connect with people. The masks elicit a sense of fear and division. This matches this guy's own inability to connect with people, and constant fear of "getting to close to someone."

If he can't get close to others, he won't want you to be able to either!

If you don't agree with the policies, bullshit tweets, and responses to global crises that this person makes, you might call him out. You might swear about him on social media. You might argue with him. You might feel angry, scared, and so on. It certainly feels productive to hold him accountable by not ignoring his unhelpful, destructive behaviors.

However, I urge you to consider that your approach might actually be fueling the narcissist.

He wants to be pushed away, wrong, and terrible. This proves his schema of a broken, messed up fake. He doesn't have to change because he's right. You're wrong.

To work with narcissists, I'm going to encourage you to get beneath this armor and speak to the wounded, frail disaster within. When he wants to take rights away from the LGBTQ+ community, you can say:

"I can see why you'd want to do that. This community has been gaining support and rights, and is a strong, beautiful community fighting for the goodness of all people. I'm not surprised you're trying to hurt something so much more powerful than you are."

When he tells police to "not be so nice" to "criminals", you can say:

"I'm not surprised you want people to be meaner to one another. If people are kind to one another, there's no disconnect. We're all working together. Except you. You're on the outs. No one can work with you. It's us against you. Too bad you can't be a part of us. We are strong and powerful."

Beyond that, can you love the narcissist?

I'm not saying adore, praise, or admire him. I'm saying love him. A mother who loves her child will hold him accountable for his actions. Love is unpredictable, uncontrollable. To tell the narcissist, "You must be suffering a great deal inside. No one suffering that much would try and hurt others. I see your vast suffering. I'm going to ask that you find another way to heal your own pain. This way will not work."

I read many honest, sometimes humorous stabs at particular narcissists in power right now. One by Motley Crew drummer Tommy Lee is particularly enjoyable.

I appreciate the brutal pushing, the naming of his fucked up behaviors. I also know that this gives the narcissist the sense of power he wants.

We do need social change. Big time. Our education, penal, food, and health systems need drastic overhauls. Any anger, confusion, hatred, or scorn you feel is completely valid. I'm not asking you to ignore those feelings. I'm suggesting that how you go about making change isn't going to work. It's going to make things worse.

I, for one, hope to help narcissists contact the pain beneath their armor. I want them to know that I see them for who they are beneath the facade; wounded and scared. I don't want to let them trick me into interacting with the armor. There are many ways to fight injustice, times and places to shout, scream, yell, speak, be heard. Don't go silent.