#mumoftwo

Following our incredible birth, Alex and I decided to stay overnight in the hospital. Despite Emily being born just after 3pm, she was due her detailed check a minimum of 6 hours after birth. I felt better than I had with Cailean and actually managed a shower without almost collapsing this time, but the after pains were quite bad and I was worried my blood pressure would drop again to the point I couldn’t stand. Physically, I wasn’t sure I could manage the stairs at home. The fact Emily wasn’t seen until after 10pm for her hearing and her detailed check meant there wouldn’t be much point. What we didn’t realise was we were the only ones in the Midwife Led Unit until the early hours of the morning.

Apart from giving birth in the same room as I did with Cailean, I was then moved to the exact same postnatal room. Thankfully it was at the unit still instead of the ward, so Alex was able to stay as it was a single room. Emily passed all her checks with flying colours. The midwife who carried out those checks was actually the same midwife who had looked after me the day after Cailean was born. The only thing that she told us was that she would be referred for a hip check. The midwife had no concerns, but girls are apparently more prone to hip dysplasia than boys - if she was a boy she wouldn’t have been referred. We found out afterwards that as she was marked breech at 29 weeks, the referral would have gone through anyway.

What I marveled at this time was how many times someone mentioned my separation. Immediately after birth, the experienced midwife in the room checked my tummy and my uterus and asked “did you have a separation in your last pregnancy?” It was one of the first things they said. Already that was a revelation in comparison to first time around. The next midwife to check me on nightshift mentioned physio. Good job I already have the best team I could ask for.

The next morning, I was checked by another midwife. She too was experienced and I had come across her with Cailean as well. The difference was, she was the one who told me she didn’t think I was in active labour (I was), and that she would just give me a sweep before sending me home, only to discover I was 5 cm and declaring I was ‘a secret worker.’ When I was told who was in charge of the unit that day I recognised the name. I told Alex I was certain that it was her. When she came in the room we both looked at each other. It turned out she was also the person I had spoken to on the phone when I was in labour on the way in the car the day before. She told me she knew I wouldn’t be able to answer all the usual COVID questions so when I said I had no symptoms she ticked everything off to get me off the phone. I was grateful for that.

She carried out my final check before discharge. She felt my tummy and asked me “did you have a separation last time?” I told her I did and I’d been seeing physios ever since. I was seen antenatally and would be seen in a few weeks. She said “so you don’t need me to refer you to physio?” No, I confirmed. I was blown away by the number of times I was asked about my tummy immediately after giving birth. It just served as a reminder as to how poor my experience was last time in terms of my diastasis. I felt either someone had read my notes closely, or it was that significant it was hard to ignore. Or maybe they knew I had spoken to patient relations last time. The irony is, I know so much about it now and because I have such a great team, I was able to dismiss all of this confidently. Also knowing that, without being disrespectful, I’m sure I know more about diastasis than all of the midwives put together.

Empowering thing - not only was I confident in what my physios said about giving birth (with a wee wobble before the consultant review), but postnatally, I was neither up nor down by the midwives’ comments. Of course, I was still wondering how bad it is: gap wise, tension wise, depth wise - that’s natural. But I would find out soon enough and even 4 weeks down the line, it’s a helluva lot quicker than last time!

The focus on the tummy did not stop when I left the hospital. I was seen by the community midwives when I got home. I had three appointments spread over the week. The first I had was with the midwife who had been at my 34 week appointment and was unable to find Emily’s heartbeat. She knew about my tummy and specifically said – “now what are we doing about this tummy?” I told her I was booked in to see Lyndsey at the end of April and I would just restart my rehab. A few days later I was seen by the student midwife who had been at my consultant review and another midwife on the community team – my own midwife was on annual leave. Again, the same question – “did you have a separation after your last birth?” Everyone seemed to recognise I had a significant separation, even after only just having had Emily.

I’m sure everyone has seen my posts about my midwife appointments. As I have said before, I really like my midwife, but as Alex pointed out, she’s lucky I don’t take offence at the things she says. She doesn’t mean them out of badness, but I think she’s genuinely baffled by my tummy. I’ve developed a pretty thick skin over the period since finding out about my diastasis – I have had to in order to put up with the comments and the looks etc. I’m so used to it now after two years: sad, but true. My midwife requested to see me as I had seen two different midwives since the hospital and neither were her. The lack of continuity can be frustrating, especially if you are struggling and you just wonder how hard it would be to have the same person visit a few times a few days apart. She has been my midwife for two children and this is it for us, so I agreed to postpone the visit until she could do it. Plus she is a lovely woman so I would have preferred to see her for the last time.

She attended with the same student who had seen me on the Sunday. She asked me what happened and I explained it was extremely quick but everything went well. She had obviously met Cailean a few times so made a fuss of him. One of the first things she said was, “what’s happening with your tummy because you still look big.” I mean, I was only 1 week 3 days postpartum, but I guess I’m not normal judging by her reaction! I told her about my appointment.

She asked about support such as a corset and the surgery. Some people don’t think about it being major abdominal surgery, so when I said it would be a couple of years yet she was surprised. I explained it wouldn’t help to have toddlers dependent on me picking them up when I can do very little lifting, if at all, for at least 6 weeks. She asked me if I had managed to improve it before I fell pregnant this time around so I showed her my progress picture. She was astounded: no better example of a picture paints 1000 words! When it came to her examining my tummy I lay down and as usual, my tummy had a mind of its own. She didn’t quite laugh but it was a bit like exclaiming with disbelief. She actually said, “how am I supposed to feel your womb?” I mean, I’ve learned a lot over the past two years and know basic anatomy, but I’m still not medically qualified in any way – you would hope the people trained would still know where to look for the womb a week post birth!! She found it but her hand continued sinking in my tummy. She asked if the student could feel which I said was fine. “I’ve never seen a tummy like yours. I wish I had pictures.” There was a small part of me that thought I have plenty pictures but I bit my tongue. To the student: “You’re lucky getting to see this – I’ve never seen anything like this.” Well, good to know I’m unique and memorable, even if it is for my tummy and nothing else…

I was light-hearted and polite as always. As I mentioned, I genuinely don’t think she did it out of badness and didn’t mean it to be offensive. I think the way I am about it almost gave her the green light to say whatever came into her head. Someone who was more sensitive, and more easily offended could have been really upset by her comments. I just laughed it off when my husband said that. If nothing else, this journey has taught me to be mentally tough, and that my ability to be exactly that is far beyond anything I could have imagined.

That’s the last time I’ll be pregnant: I will never have any need for midwives again in my life. They are the most caring and some of the most incredible people I have met. I’ll never forget any of the midwives who have cared for me and my children and I owe them everything for bringing both my children into the World safely. There are not enough words to thank them for that. As much as my experience hasn’t always been the easiest, particularly in this pregnancy, it’s quite emotional to think I won’t be doing it again. I think postpartum was the first opportunity I had to think about that. Emily came so fast, I did not have the time most parents have to dwell on Cailean now losing his status as an only child. I didn’t get upset or wistful dropping him off because I didn’t know when I did it would be the last time we would see him as our only one.

Cailean has proven to be a brilliant big brother and even more caring than I could have wished for. The first thing he says in the morning is, “see Emily” and the last thing before bed is, “kiss Emily.” I consider myself so lucky to have such a good wee boy - it definitely makes adjusting to life as a four so much easier.