#missteps

And she felt horrible about it.

If someone had asked her to elaborate, she would have said that his moves weren’t the good ones, they were good moves but they weren’t his good moves. The way he dodged felt off. The way he stroke felt off. People around her only seemed concerned because he wasn’t easily winning like they all expected. She would have said it wasn’t that he wasn’t winning as predicted, she would have said it was that he wasn’t moving as predicted.

She couldn’t predict a single move the man made, not a single reaction. None of them felt familiar. And that was the weirdest, because she used to be familiar with the way he fought. She used to be so familiar with it, it was almost comforting to see him fight. The second of knowing she got when he sent Natsu flying across the room was comforting, because she knew it was coming, because she knew which direction he would be sent flying, because she knew the form his arm would take when sending him, because it always felt like him.

And now it didn’t. And that tore her stomach in half.

Maybe it was her. Maybe she was the one that didn’t know him anymore. Maybe he had evolved so much she had just lost complete touch with him. Maybe the only thing she could predict about him now was his bored moves he didn’t even bother to make surprising. Maybe she didn’t know him at all anymore. It terrified her.

Because despite it all, despite the endless fights and his most terrible decisions, she always felt like she still knew him, like the one she had loved was still under there, that after a time he would come back to normal and he would be like he used to be, on the rare occasions when he used to be chill and not so much of an jerk, when he wasn’t performing his asshole act to make sure everyone despised him, when he used to be her friend. Sometimes her only friend.

Maybe he was gone.

Despite being back and actually trying to make some peace with the guild.

Maybe that was the price she had to pay for him not being an asshole anymore. Maybe she just had to lose him completely. In order to have him back.

That was terrifying.

.

She barely had the time to see his arm before it went crashing into her face, sending her flying against the tree that just happened to be standing nearby. Her back crashed too. So hard she didn’t even have energy left to make an agonizing cry. She lost her transformation. That was her weakness, one strike just hard enough and she couldn’t hold it anymore. She always felt so weak when she felt the power leaving her veins as her face hit the ground. She always felt so small when he looked at her, towering her with all his height. She almost hated how sexy he looked with his sweaty t-shirt on, most times without a t-shirt on.

“Your left is still way too open, with the right timing it’s like a highway for a fist, you know.” He said, not gloating, just patiently pointing out what he found as usual.

He liked doing that. Asshole.

She smiled as she sat back up and rubbed her neck with an agonizing face, almost chuckling as he sat in front of her and conjured a bottle of water out. He was almost as red and out of breath as she was.

“You worked out quite a sweat getting the right timing then.” She smirked, handing her hand out so she could get some of his water too.

She had her own bottle tucked somewhere but she liked the way he never minded giving her some of his. Like it was normal. Like she was entitled to his water. At least she liked to pretend that she was.

“Well, you’re getting faster.” He smirked as he watched her down some of the liquid without a breath. “But seriously though, you have to work on that, in a real fight, that’s a death trap, especially if you can’t keep your magic going after.”

He looked at her seriously then, almost bawling his eyes out as he took the bottle back and conjured it in his requip space back.

“I know, I know.” She sighed with a grin and a shrug, still out of breath and her back still killing her. She might have to check for bleeding when she got back home.

“Then why isn’t it fixed already ?”

“ I tried !” She almost cried out with a small smile. “But then my right opens up even faster.”

He laughed then, lightly, but she always find it was a beautiful sound. Not an often sound though.

“I promise I’ll get my left closed off for the trials.”

He smirked then. He always did when she mentioned the S-class trials. It was going to be her second time around. Even if she had to grind her teeth just to admit it. After her defeat against Erza last year, she felt like the year had just been a whole humiliating experience watching the redhead pass the blonde on the second floor while she was stuck on the ground. Her rival never missed an opportunity to make a comment to her when she came back down to get her job registered at the bar. The white-haired never responded though, just sighed and pretended nobody knew how jealous she was.

“You better.” He chuckled as he got a cigarette out and lit it up. “Otherwise I’m going to wipe the floor with your face.”

She pretended to be scandalized.

“Who said I’m even going to fight you.”

He chuckled even louder.

“Oh, I do, I can feel it.” He almost whispered. “I definitely hope so.” He mouthed while holding the cigarette up for her.

She made a sound then. Something between a chuckle and a smirk to hide the panic that took her everytime she realized that was a possibility. The cigarette felt hard against her lips. Like her lungs weren’t quite back on from the fight to sustain it. She never liked the smell. She liked the feeling. Sometimes. Especially when he was to the one to share with her.

“Well, I don’t.” She sighed as she pass it back and ignored the chuckle that followed.

“I’ll take that as a compliment.” He only said as he got back up, not letting out an arm to help back up too. “You’re ready for round two ?”

She had to hoard her ass back up by herself. And it hurt.

“Oh, you know me.” She smiled too as she watched him back down to the back of the glade they used for their training sessions. It was back in the forest where no other members came for their own training. He didn’t even bring his three new pets here. In fear of finding them here waiting for him, when he wanted to be alone or so he said. He didn’t seem to mind finding her training by herself though. Although their schedules made the occasion so rare. “I was born for it.”

It took her a lot of effort to ignore his handsome smile and dodge his first strike.

.

There were no words to describe how relieved she felt when the illusion spell vanished. When she saw the five Raven Tail members all squashed on the floor, it was like the weight of the world was lifted from her shoulders. She could hardly hide it too. She was beaming, jumping in the air as the whole crowd cheered with her. She could swear she also saw some tear in the master’s eye, but she was almost tearing up too, as well as the Thunder Legion that looked like they had just comme back from the fear of their life.

No one minded her. They were too busy cheering as well as the blonde casually walked back through the center of the arena under the noise of the crowd and the bafflement of the Games organizers that stuttered their confusion about the obvious cheating that had taken place under everyone’s watchful eyes. She didn’t even care about the cheating, she felt stupid for them, for his father that obviously had zero idea about who he provoked.

But she knew.

The whole time she had known.

It didn’t feel like him because it hadn’t been him. Because despite the time, despite their problems, he was still the one she knew, and she was still the one that knew him.

She felt high.

It was like the whole guild had caught her state when they arrived at the ihn. After all it was their first big day of victory with Erza and Laxus being the big stars of the day. Although people never missed their opportunity to congratulate Wendy on her draw against a most talented opponent.

She had made a detour to go see her brother that was still lying in his hospital bed, recovering from his fight from the day before. The Thunder Legion had been there too, she even suspected that Evergreen had made plans to go back later after congraluating Laxus on his crushing victory of the day. Her poor brother was still in a bad shape, barely able to get out of his bed and certainly not able to stand for very long as the bandages drastically restrained his possibilities.

At least he was alright.

Her sister too seemed alright as she also beamed out of the hospital room, still talking about the combats of the day. Maybe years ago Mirajane would have felt jealous of the admirative way she went on and on about Erza’s daring attitude and about how cool she had looked when she had decided to take all the monsters at once and won, or about how Laxus had looked the coolest when he destroyed his competition and went back calmly as if he hadn’t been supposed to be crushed by an unfair advantage.

Obviously they were the coolest people on the planet right now. At least within their knowledge. Maybe some years ago her heart would have sunk. But surprisingly she didn’t even mind it now. She quite agreed as well. She didn’t mind the way her sister practically flew through the room to praise the redhead and beam around the blonde.

He didn’t seem to mind her either, he looked almost soft when he patiently waited for her to finish her long lines of praise and only tapped on her head some more before bringing the bottle of beer to his lips as her sister joined the Thunder Legion at the table against whom he was standing. His half smile looked amused and proud, but she caught something else in his eyes, something that looked like a shadow, like the shadow he had when he regretted some asshole comment he made at her, back when he still did that.

He barely even looked at her when she came to congratulate him right after. Barely even smiled, almost only sighed and shrugged at her words.

“Almost disappointed really.” He half joked there before her questioning stare. “I remembered him stronger you know.” He chuckled then before deporting his attention to Gray and Juvia that had made their way to the table to partake in the congratulations line, only sending a slight glance in her direction as she too made her way to the table. Not quite knowing if she should ask him to elaborate on that. At least she knew it was probably best to leave it alone for now.

At least she knew.

He had always been like that, sending some distress signals in the form of half jokes before going away or starting on something completely different. He always processed like that. She knew she should just leave him alone with it until he felt like sharing his thoughts with anyone.

There was something so reassuring in knowing.

She liked the way his eyebrows went up and down as the people came going to him after one another. She knew he was surprised that Erza made her way up to him despite her own line of people to personally praise him and almost smile like they were friends. She also tried not to grind her teeth when she saw the half smile of pride he gave the redhead. She pretended she didn’t mind that he was giving those to someone else.

Because she was the only to know how annoyed he was at the noise, and how baffled he was to see people from outside the guild show up to the inn to join his line of congratulations. She knew he was getting thirsty because he was licking his lips in between slight remarks and because his bottle had been empty for a while now. She knew how his eyes would wander across the room in the hope of an escape to get a drink at the bar. She knew he lied when the master asked him if he was okay because one of his eyebrow suddenly went up. Because she knew that was his tell.

She was getting slightly annoyed at them now, although she wasn’t showing most of it, still smiling and almost beaming at Freed and Bickslow that painfully tried to make conversation with her and Lisanna. Thank god for Cana and her non stop stock of anecdotes because she was practically holding up the conversation by herself, and that was impressive, even though the brunette was getting her own share of congratulating from the people that came to Laxus first. She didn’t seem to be taking that much credit for what was her own exploit of the day.

But how was she annoyed.

Not at Cana, at the two men that kept on trying to talk to her when their boss, their friend, was obviously not doing good. She almost wanted to yell at them. She thought about hinting at it but something about the dragon’s slayer hearing and the way he kept sending glances in her direction somehow discouraged her. She wanted to squash them herself. With her own two hands and her beaming smile that seemed plastered on her face for hours now. But no, she just kept on smiling.

She reached her limit when they almost had no reaction when the dragon slayer suddenly left his post next to the table to make his way to the bar. Only glanced at the blonde’s back before returning to their painful conversation that she was hardly listening to anyway. She kept on glancing at him though, watching his moves as he clumsily slalomed between the tables and the crowd to order. She didn’t see what he ordered though, but from the weight of the bottle on his arm, she guessed it wasn’t a bottle of beer, but something way stronger.

She didn’t stop smiling at the two men as she kept on glancing at him making his way back, but she definitely frowned when he made a turn and went for the stairs with the bottle in his hand instead of going back to their tables. She looked at them, the two men that were supposed to be his friends, that were supposed to be here for him when he was down. They didn’t even seem to notice that Laxus was gone, only kept on staring at Cana and Lisanna that seemed lost in some gruesome story from some years ago. She hardly had listened to anything really. But something was wrong with him. She just knew.

So that was the moment she chose to get up.

She followed him, he was quick but she rapidly understood he was going for their team’s room. He probably wanted to be alone, why else would he go there knowing everyone else was down at the bar ready to celebrate him ? When she got before the door, she hesitated. Her hand stopped on the handle and she wondered if he would be happy to see that she cared, or if she was going to be told off once again. He had a habit of telling her off when she got too close.

She took a big sigh but she didn’t want to back down. She knew him. He could seem solitary and mean but he liked having people around, people that cared for him. She knew he’d tell her off but she hoped he would be happy that she still cared. Maybe her feelings didn’t matter that much right now, maybe what mattered the most after him fighting his own father was knowing he had other people.

She paused and violently pushed the door as if she was jumping into cold water. She only made one step inside before her feet and her breath stopped. The window was open, so she thought he would be smoking on the window but he was lying on his bed facing the wall and turned away from her. His torso was slowly going up and down, maybe he was asleep. A quick glance told her that the bottle she had seen in his hand was now on his nightstand, barely opened.

“What do you want, demon ?” His cold voice startled her as she heard the door softly closing behind her.

She took a pause to stabilize her breathing and her heart she could hear stomping inside her. She hated how being alone with him always had such a big effect on her. Even if it was the millionth time since she had met him.

“I saw you go up, I wanted to check if you were okay.” She replied in a soft voice while she took some steps to sit on her bed in front of his. His back still turned to her.

She heard him chuckle and immediately felt a clenching feeling grip her insides. Because she immediately knew he was in no mood to open up, and this could very quickly become a fight. But she decided, as every other time, that she wasn’t going to let it go that easy. Maybe one day she would learn, but not today.

“What wouldn’t I be okay ?” That was his mean voice, his sarcastic tone she so hated. She almost wanted to smother him with her pillow when his back turned and his mean gaze met hers. She didn’t let him intimate her with his nonchalant attitude. She knew him too much to get caught in that trap.

“Are you okay ?” She insisted as well with her eyes, not letting him look away.

He chuckled again and only shrugged before turning his back to her again. She felt herself frown and her jaw clenched. Not that she was pissed but he always made it so difficult to care about him.

“I wouldn’t be okay if my father had tricked me into fighting him in front of a whole arena.” She didn’t elevate her voice because she knew how quickly this could escalate, and she was going to break him.

“I thought your father spent his life cultivating carrots before dying of some disease nobody gets anymore.” He snorted.

His words made her want to hurt him. Because he knew she loved her father and she knew he was deliberately trying to hurt her so she would back off and leave him in his misery. But she wouldn’t let him, because he had admitted how hurt he truly was.

“Oh, he did.” She snorted back. “But it was actually cabbage, you know.”

She heard him chuckle again, but somehow his voice was less mean. His gaze was less piercing when he turned back to her to lay on his back. She laid on her side then. So he would know she wasn’t going anywhere anytime soon. No matter how much he wished to push her away to be miserable alone.

“Why are you here ?” He asked while staring at the ceiling. Purposely avoiding her her gaze that remained on his face.

“I want to know if you’re okay.” She replied with a steady voice, not shying away from her feelings. “You seemed weird downstairs.”

He sarcastically smiled again and it was definitely rubbing her the wrong way. But she didn’t let him. Today was the day she stopped letting him get on her nerves in order to avoid their connection. Because it existed, and no matter what she constantly told herself, it was still very much here, and apparently not going anywhere until something new happened.

“I’m fine.” He looked straight at her, as if he was trying to shy her away. But she held on, not looking away, not listening to her stomping heart going off in her chest that he was probably hearing right now.

“You don’t look fine.”

He laughed almost hysterically, at least for his usual self. Even more sarcastic that he had been before.

“What are you even asking if you’re not interested in my answer ?” He smiled at her while fingering his pockets, looking for the cigarette pack that was lying on his nightstand. His nerves obviously needed some steadying. But she didn’t look away, even if her brain was now screaming at her to let go and not chase after a painful fight whose consequences she would deal with for the rest of the week.

“I’m interested in any kind of answer that’s not a downright lie.” She sent back without missing a beat.

The blonde laughed again but more softly this time as he looked to the ceiling again, like he was almost satisfied with her attitude. Maybe he thought it funny that she could take feelings with the same kind of cunty attitude she reserved for his provocations years ago. He always liked when she didn’t back down from a fight.

“And you know that because took a telepathy class lately ?” He snorted, humouring her but somehow really asking. “You certainly have the time now.”

She recognized the provocation but somehow it didn’t even punch in her chest. She didn’t care anymore about not working as a mage, and she would never let him bully her into it again.

“Yeah, it was right after my pastry class.” She made her voice seem stupid, like she didn’t understand what he was trying to do. “You should try it sometimes, it’s very relaxing.”

He only smiled then, laughing silently as he put an arm behind his head. For a moment, there was only silent in the room, if you forgot about the distant uproar they could still hear from the bar downstairs. She even heard Erza’s voice making some speech in the distance. She sounded obviously drunk and she wondered how many members would not be totally hungover the next day.

“There was just too much noise, you know.” He said then and she realized she had looked away from him in her thoughts. “I’m fine, I just needed some silence for a change.”

He seemed a lot more honest at the moment, still staring at the ceiling with both his arms now crossed behind his head and his gaze seeming lost in the blank color. She wanted to ask if it was his dragon slayer hearing that made him more sensitive to the screams, but then she thought about Natsu that never seemed bothered by the noise, and pretty much was always the center of it. Or maybe he always screamed because he always heard everything louder too. She had never thought of it that way, but that didn’t explain Gajeel’s and Wendy’s more toned down attitude. Certainly explained why Laxus always had a pair of headphones on him though.

“I get it.” She almost whispered, staring up at the ceiling too now, ignoring his eyes looking for her face. “You had the longest day of us all.”

“I just remembered him stronger, you know ?”

She stopped there, hesitating on how to respond. Because she knew. She knew that was the only opening she was going to get for the night, and she really didn’t want to miss it. She knew she couldn’t be sarcastic because he would immediately close back up again. She knew she couldn’t be too empathetic because he would feel patronized and he hated that too. She couldn’t stay silent either because he would feel awkward. And she couldn’t keep overthinking it because she would get a headache.

“Did you remember him stronger, or did you just become stronger ?” She asked, she didn’t like her answer but the silence was getting awkward between then.

He sighed, not looking at her, still staring at the ceiling like he was avoiding the piercing gaze she was sending him.

“I don’t know.” He almost whispered, almost like lost in contemplation. “I never really fought him before.”

Now her brain was getting confused.

“I don’t get it.” She asked. “How can you remember him stronger if you never fought against him ?”

He smiled then, slightly. Like he acknowledged how ludicrous he was sounding.

“I don’t know.” He chuckled. “I remember seeing him fight, I think, it’s a little fuzzy.”

She smiled too, but just because she genuinely like how his teeth showed up. She always liked how pointy his fangs could seem and he smiled honestly.

“Fighting against whom ?” She sat up on the bed, letting her shoes fall down on the floor and slightly sighing as she felt the numbness through her legs. She was used to heels and only felt them when the pressure left her feet. She was his head turn slowly, barely looking at her face, and she couldn’t quite grasp if he was looking at her feet or at the skin showing when she lifted her skirt to get the shoes off. She hoped it was the latter.

“I don’t even remember.” He muttered before finally looking up from her legs to stare into her eyes, his mouth bare moving.

She slightly smiled then and casually assembled the skirt on on her lap, leaving even more of her legs appearing. She saw him chuckle again and was enjoying the way she could guess that he was keeping himself from looking down. She wasn’t feeling that hot too after an entire day in the arena. The emotions of the day had been intense and she wished she had jumped into the shower before joining the others at the bar.

“Do you wish he had been stronger ?” She asked as she crossed her legs and assembled the tissue between them.

“I wish he wasn’t an asshole.” He laughed, finally looking away to stare again at the ceiling. She wished he looked back at her again. She also wished he stopped looking so depressed because it was truly becoming heavy on her stomach. She didn’t like how his brows furrowed in worry and how dull he acted, as if the energy had flown off his body.

“Well, we all have wishes in life.” She replied, still not looking away from him, quietly enjoying the way he smiled again at her last remark.

“I guess.” He sighed while putting out the cigarette that had been going from his hand to his mouth. It reminded her how cold the air from the window was getting. “What’s your wish then ?”

She didn’t let out how startled she was at his last question, because she should have been expecting it. She should have expected that he would turn the discussion around when the topic got too intense. She only sighed and wondered if she should just let it go and let them go back to normal, to the way they ignored each other half the time, to the way they pretended not to know each other as people. She felt the weight of the task fall on her shoulders, and she just felt like she wasn’t ready to let him go just yet.

“I wish you stopped feeling so bad all the time.”

She could feel his heavy stare on her as she looked away to stare herself at the ceiling. Smiling a little because she knew his silence meant she had hit the right spot. He was either going to open up or get very quickly aggressive. She was up for both in total honesty. She didn’t feel like fighting.

“I thought you wished I learnt from my mistakes.” He startled her again but she only looked down to finally stare back into his dark eyes. Her heart was feeling sore when she truly hated how miserable he seemed at this very moment. She wished her magic had the capacity to make his spleen go away rather than grow claws into her hands.

“I wish you stopped suffering from them, that’s all.” She smiled truly, sweetly at him. Barely holding back the sadness from her eyes.

“So you don’t want me to redeem myself until I’m forgiven ?” He said it sarcastically but she knew he had never been more honest. She could hear the tension build up in his throat and she couldn’t deny it was getting quite unbearable inside her own chest.

“I wish you knew that you’re already forgiven.”

There was a silence. A painfully long silence where they kept staring at each other, not moving, not smiling, barely breathing. A long silence while she could hear his breath come out of his mouth as well as the ruckus coming from downstairs. It was only a minute but the tension in her fingers and the dryness of her throat made it feel like ten minutes were passing by.

She saw him move but she didn’t feel herself moving. She saw his legs slide down to steady themselves on the ground, she saw his chest standing up. She saw his arms moving, she saw him leaving his bed in her direction. She felt his fingers wrap up around the nape of her neck but she didn’t feel herself leaving her bed too. She felt the room moving around them but she didn’t feel the ground on her feet. She felt his lips crash onto hers but she barely felt her hand wrap her around his own head. She felt her legs wrap up around his hips but she barely felt them both falling back onto his bed.

She felt his tongue on her mouth and his hands going up her thighs and feeling their way up all the way to her back. She barely felt her mouth open and her tongue on his but she definitely heard herself loudly sigh on his mouth. She barely felt her hand playing with his hair but she definitely felt him as she pressed herself onto his pants. She felt his hands slip under her skirt, and she definitely heard herself moan against his mouth as they began torture her slowly going up and down her thighs.

She felt him smile against her mouth, and heard herself groan against him, just as she felt his head going back to get some air. She heard herself breathe heavily as her forehead barely stood back and her eyes stayed closed, as if hesitating to open up. She barely had the time to align a single thought before his mouth was back onto hers again.

She felt her legs tighten up around him when his hands stopped to lift her up and her back hit the mattress. She felt the weight of his body on her hips and she didn’t stop one second to think about their location while she kissed and played with his mouth. She stopped hearing herself sigh in contentment as one hand went back to caress her thigh while the other started to untie the knot that kept her dress tight. She barely stopped to think before her own hand left his bare back under his shirt to start undoing the buttons flowing below his chest.

She barely had the time to hold her head back as he groaned in discontentment to look at his chest now exposed before the door flew open.

She didn’t even hear what Cana was saying as she completely froze staring in her direction, seeing her lips move but not getting a sound while she couldn’t stop thinking about his hips pressing up between her legs and the feeling of his breath on her neck.

“Just get the fuck out of here.” She heard him yell as the brunette only laughed and left to close the door behind her.

She felt him stand slightly back, not completely leaving her but saying her name as he tried to get a response from her. She felt her cheeks flush and the realisation hitting her brain. She felt the heat taking taking all the space in her head and her chest leaving the mattress to sit up on the bed, completely flushed.

She heard him chuckle and ask her if she was okay, barely hiding the worry in his tone.

She nodded her head, not completely getting a sound out of her mouth as she stood up on her legs and he sat up on his bed, trying to get a clear reaction out of her.

“I’m… I’m fine.” She finally articulated as she desperately tied the knot back on her hip and adjusted the tissue back on her chest, her fingers then flying into her hair to put the strands back in place. Her cheeks were still red but she could see he was out of breath too and curiously not making a move, simply watching her put herself back together as he stayed on the bed with his elbows resting on his thighs. “I need to go back.”

She stared at him a little too long but he seemed more interested in looking at the parts of her body that were now covered than staring back into her eyes. Or maybe he too could feel the awkwardness building up in the air. She only looked back again once as her legs took the direction of the door, going around the bed to collect her shoes and walking way too fast across the room. She could feel her head slow down and she truly hated herself when the door slammed behind her as she walked the stairs back down again.