#misnaming

today i heard someone else going by my name

using my name

and i’m usually not one to get hung up on names but this one kinda pissed me off

because it wasn’t just my birthname no

it was my name

just my name

multiple times and only my name

never the long version, only the short one

and it’s not like i feel the name belongs to me

it’s not just mine and i know that

but the fact that someone else was so easily called it

is so easily called it

it and only it with no variation

makes me feel like shit

someone else. a girl. is respected enough for that.

they respect it enough to use a nickname and a nickname only, when it isn’t even that important

they’ll respect a nickname preference that staunchly when it is truly a nickname

but people won’t call me my name

because it is my name

my actual name

not my nickname, my name

it’s my name. and people won’t use it. but they will as a nickname for another girl.

i am not a girl. i am not the girl my birthname suggests.

i am a boy. i am a boy who uses my name.

i don’t say “oh but my friends call me name” during roll call to imply a nickname.

i say “i go by name.” clearly. that’s it. i don’t leave room for interpretation or suggestion. i say what the name i use is.

this random girl gets respected enough for a name preference to be listened to.

but i, someone who am pretty clear that no my name is not a preference, it is in fact my name, am not listened to.

it just feels like they don’t deserve to have my name almost, even though i know that’s bullshit.

i would be so happy if i was called my name that much. i would be so thankful. i would cherish that. and it feels like others are just brushing that off and giving it up.

Every other character? "Oh hey, look, it's notable character [X] from notable piece of media [Y]"

Mickey Mouse? "Oh hey, look, it's a bipedal sapient vole."

Minnie Mouse and Mickey Mouse? "Oh hey, look, it's notable character Minnie Mouse from notable piece of media Steamboat Willie, and some sort of lemming mixed with a hominid."

And then like. At the end of the game, the character is faced with Mickey and falters. Their face scrunches up contemplatively. Mickey leans forward in anticipation. Will this be the moment Mickey is finally recognized? Everyone in attendance to this moment waits with bated breath.

"Ah... it's... um... it's Matthew Muroidea, right?"

How to handle misgendering

Misgendering hurts, but I think most transgender people will – if this is  “a new development”, as you say – understand that old habits may sometimes beat the best of intentions. It is the fact that you respect her gender identity that matters the most.

However, if your friends willfully ignore the needs of your trans friend and make no efforts whatsoever to try to be polite, that is a sign of disrespect. It is a sign of aggression.  It is not OK at all. 

You might ask them how they would feel if you constantly used the wrong pronouns when addressing them. You might ask them how they would react if someone constantly tried to invalidate their sense of self, their very being, their identity. 

The misgendering could be caused by lack of knowledge. You could try to provide them with some info on what it means to be transgender. I am sure your trans friend can help you in this respect. You can also find a lot of relevant articles in this blog.

But the misgendering could also be a sign of transphobia. If they cannot muster this kind of respect for your friend, even when you have explained why this matters, I would say they are no friends at all.

I understand why unemployment and poverty rates are high amongst trans and non-binary people. Besides the employers being dickheads and not hiring and/or firing people when they find out their gender identity (and getting away with it https://rewire.news/article/2019/01/02/employees-can-be-fired-for-being-lgbtq-in-26-states-will-the-supreme-court-make-that-even-worse/) if you are constantly misnamed and misgendered at work, it’s really demoralizing. And if you have to misname yourself for whatever reason, you feel like you can’t break free. I work in a care home and as such, I have to fill out paperwork. I have to sign my given name and initials ALL DAY LONG. Now, I worked out a way to sign my initials that is pretty fucking clever if I do say so myself, but even so, each time I write my name (which still comes automatically), I remind myself that I’m not being called, and not even calling myself what I want to be called. I had to introduce myself to two new coworkers and an inspector, with a name that is still mine, yet not. I haven’t even gone by my name long enough to HAVE a signature with it yet. My dad’s name starts with a D. I wish I could have a copy of his signature, so I could model my first name after his like I did with my surname.

I worry this would potentially enable readers to believe that mental health (or anything really) excuses misgendering and misnaming. (I want to clarify: excusing and explaining are different. One of them seeks permission to continue and the other seeks to reassure or resolve. They are easily confused.) It doesn’t necessarily work like that for all mental health issues either. 

For example, I’m very mentally ill and trans. I generally don’t have difficulty with gendering my trans friends correctly because I automatically think of them with their own pronouns and the gender they are. Sometimes folks with more unusual pronouns have an ‘auxiliary’ set they let neurodivergent people use while they get adjusted, for as long as they need to do that. (The length of time could be forever really.) As an example of that, my pronouns are ey/em/eir, but my auxiliary pronouns are they/them/their. From what I’ve noticed, people mostly use they/them/their for me in verbal conversation and ey/em/eir when they get to sit down and type. (But I might be mishearing, and I’m generally not around most of the time when people pronoun me regardless.) 

This also totally varies, and I’m not going to make the sweeping assumption that everyone has an easy time unlearning cissexism* because it does take some effort in the start. (As well as being around people who are working to unlearn it too, in my opinion.) My point is that if you really do want to get pronouns right, you can do it. Mental stuff may impact the speed you grasp it but you can still grasp it if you have interest in doing so.  

I imagine in the situation you described, if someone without prior understanding of transness were corrected on a name they gave someone they thought they recognized: it would probably just be assumed that they actually just got the wrong person. That this person they thought they recognized is not the same friend, and in fact a new person they are being introduced to. (Depending how bad things were for them, how long it had been and how different they maybe looked. I’ve had people assume I’m a different person after a haircut though so it seems feasible.)

If that’s not really a plot you feel like exploring, you could also have B correct their way of referencing J right after J corrects them. To show that while B is confused, J is still their friend and they’re going to respect the information they are being corrected with. Plus, I just think it’s good etiquette and practice to correct yourself when someone corrects you.

You could also maybe have them have had a nickname for J that was used in the past, that isn’t particularly gendered. Even just a last name, or something like that.

- mod nat