#miscalculated

My Jeremy and his backstory is, put simply: Someone who has never- and could never- feel as though he truly belongs. He is always too much and not enough. Some of it changes depending on whether or not I write him as trans or what the AU is, but his story is always one of constant displacement/disconnect, and while he can be described of having a very strong sense of self, it is more accurate to say he has a strong sense of who he isn't.

It's something I have mapped out pretty extensively for Miscalculated, but since I don't genuinely know if I'll ever get around to completing that series how I wanted to, I'll rant about it here :3

Jeremy is the youngest child of four, and is considerably younger than his siblings. There was an 18 year gap between him and the oldest, and 10 years between him and the second youngest, which kept him from ever getting close to them. His parents had already raised their babies, and honestly didn't do as much with him as they did his siblings. You teach three kids how to tie a shoe, you kind of start to assume the fourth will pick up on the common sense.

His family is cartoonishly traditional as a result of the US's nightmare of Cultural Assimilation. They are a fairly typical, more on the chill side, Good Christian Family, the in-contact members more numerous on his white mother's side. They heavily discourage ties to his Indigenous heritage, which is entirely through his father (who is Haudenosaunee, a nation located in the New York/Ontario/Quebec area). A section of his father's side of the family lives in California, purposely on the other side of the country, and is where Jeremy himself grew up. There always seems to be relatives that his siblings know of that Jeremy himself has never met, as they "drifted away" or "fell out" with the family (which he learns is code for "they lived their life in a way the family didn't understand, and had to go low/no contact to avoid the judgement and stress it brought").

He was too young to find friends in his cousins, and then too old by the time they had their kids. He is stuck as the one everyone feels the need to babysit, yet also saddles as the babysitter. He finds himself the only grown adult at the kids table for Thanksgiving, and is still seen as too young to migrate up.

Jeremy never found himself interested in practicing Christianity despite a childhood full of many bible camps and youth groups. It was more about getting him out of the house than encouraging him to be devout, anyways. He had a fascination in it closer to a modern day kid reading about Greek Mythology for the first time; he read the bible like a comic book, caught up in the supernatural and the horrors rather than seeing it as a rulebook. It left him with an understanding of religion, but a very fragile faith that never lined up with sermons, and an immense hatred for the style of censorship, repression, & cherry-picking that's associated with conservative sects of Christianity. He learned early on how to mask this, and when to bite his tongue, as he didn't want to hear for the 100th time that he was just too young to understand better. He very frequently raided any stashes of confinscated literature, pouring over contraband magazines of scandalous/blasphemous content and hanging on every word, and taking his time to pick apart why it wasn't allowed, and why he didn't care or agree. He finds who he is amidst all these secret explorations, and slowly lets it bleed out in the most acceptable ways to those around him. He holds no shame over being queer, cannot believe in Hell, and finds the concept of Heaven somewhat terrifying. But holding no shame is far different than feeling free to reveal himself- and he has always been a social chameleon. This is all to say that he never hated Christianity, but never found the comfort or guidence in it that his family did, and would often be left having to hide portions of himself to find community whilst secrerly and paranoidly immersing himself in media that went strictly against it. His immediate family always seems to be accepting enough of him, but it felt shaky. Contingent. Confused. Like they know they cannot change him, and they do not understand, but they support him with pitying smiles that for all the world feel like damnation and assure him that he will grow out of it. When he comes out as trans, it feels like they humor him more than support him, and it takes a long time for them to stop dead naming him or asking why he would want to permanently change himself over what "could be a phase". But none of it is ever said harshly. It's all said with worry, with concern, and he knows that his family expects him to be another person to drift away and never be heard from again. He is afraid of proving them right.

Nothing was ever good enough to earn genuine praise, nothing bad enough to trigger a reaction that would justify his desire to rebel or snap, and the worst of what anyone would say to or about him was painted as teasing and jokes. He is left feeling guilty over his own ability to not fit in, unable to defend himself without reaffirming his place to everyone as the oversensitive family baby. He is desperate to be taken seriously, but will rarely stand up for himself, as he is afraid of finally going too far and breaking something between himself and his family. They have never been bad enough to cut off, and the guilt he is overcome with when even considering that is all-consuming, as he knows beyond doubt that they really DO love him- or at least who they think he is.

They will never know who Jeremy truly is, regardless of whether or not they would accept him for it, because he will never find it in himself to tell them. There will always be a mask. He wil always fear finding the conditions of their love. He would rather live a white lie than be vulnerable enough to explain the whole truth and still face not being understood.

It's largely the same with friends. He makes them easily and plentily enough. He knows exactly what to say to comfort someone and bring down their walls. He has yet to find anyone that can do the same for him, and lost one too many friends in trying to explain his troubles and being told that he has nothing to complain about in comparison. In a match of Suffering Games, of who has it worse, he will always seem like the lucky one. His problems are always another papercut in a death by a thousand cuts, and no one has taken the time to see the scope and realize how deep they all go.

He loses friends when he goes to them about his problems, so he doesn't. He doesn't have any deep relationships that are actually two-way, and because of this it's hard to hold onto them through any shift or change. There is no tether. He is all casual relationships, only deep enough for the occasional catching up and friendly face. He is quick to hold your hand, if only to keep you at arm's length.

He has a burning curiosity about the rest of his father's family, about his own Indigenous heritage, but what he knows is sparse and mostly filtered through family rumors or discussions with curious cousins that are suddenly never talked about again. The one thing his father has told him is that it's a matrilineal culture– which was framed as a good thing for Jeremy. It meant that Jeremy had "no actual lineage that would matter," and left him with the gnawing fear that even if he made it to across the country and found direct blood family, it would not be enough to be welcome. On the other hand, he knows what Blood Quantum is, and what it means for him on the other side of the coin. He is both too much and not enough for everything.

This same insecurity is reinforced by his appearance– He is naturally blonde, but he still has darker skin and Indigenous features, leaving him as someone who looks distinctly "not white," but also not enough anything else. The kind of person who gets The Look™️ no matter what race option he checks off on paperwork.

Then, we get into his gender, and whether or not he is trans he is non-conforming. Even as a Cisgender Man he can be confused for a butch lesbian. He is someone that people look at and cling to a decision on, and regardless of what Jeremy says he is, he can feel the other person's doubt on the answer. He would also rather reinforce their positive ideas of him than be honest and risk rejection.

He channels a lot of these issues and nervous energy into working out, as it's something that can make him feel mindless and more in tune with his body. In his younger years, he's not exactly healthy with it. He has frequent bouts of getting too caught up in macronutrients and in needing to look perfect, even if it doesn't feel as good. His family actually is very supportive of his enjoyment of fitness, and his results and appearance are one of the few things they compliment him on. Usually when he is at his most dehydrated, or something heavy needs to be moved.

Exactly when he moves to Utah changes between stories; sometimes I have him there in high school, but in Miscalculated/closer to what would be my canon compliant AU, he starts drifting away from his family to go out on his own immediately after high school. He does well enough to graduate, but he certaintly wasn't in the top of his class, and tended to be the person who would get 100 on a test and then do none of the homework and average out at a C+. He enjoys computer science and programming, but doesn't think he could manage college given how flaky he was with High School and how hard it is to focus on topics he doesn't care about. He also just can't really see himself settling down and doing any one thing for the rest of his life, so he teaches himself what he can about computer science as a hobby, takes odd jobs with little commitment where he can, and Just Leaves. He takes off and starts to move East, in short lease apartments or motels or just his car. His eventual goal is to make it to New York, and connect with the family he's never really known/reconnect with those who left– particularly one cousin, Andrea, who was in her 30s when she left, when Jeremy was 15.

(As a quick aside about Andrea, she had a falling out with her immediate family over her relationship with a practicing Muslim, and it came to a head when she began Wearing A Hijab. The entire family was full of concern for her and how "controlled" she was ending up, painting any of her new practices as evidence of abuse rather than her own decisions. When she was offered her dream teaching position at a university in New York, they all cried about her "forced isolation." It reinforced things to the family when she went very low/no contact, and they collectively mourn her as a victim they failed rather than as a successful and happy person. Andrea gave Jeremy her number, after they had a long and private conversation about different religions at a family event, and she recognized that he understood why she needed to leave. Unfortunately, Jeremy got rid of the number, out of fear that his family would find it and use it against one of them. He thought he had the number memorized, but he was wrong. He remembers parts of it, and every once in a while when he has a bad day, he will try to call. He has yet to make it through.)

So, Jeremy tells himself he will make it to New York, and/or he'll find Andrea. In truth, he is still terrified of the rejection he could face, and is just hoping to find anywhere to belong as he makes his way across the country. Any reason to cut loose or tether in.

He also finds that the further away he gets from his family, the easier it is to be unapologetically himself, or who he would like to be. He dives into this freedom and experiments with it a lot. Maybe with too much. When you skip town as much as he does, you can be the life of the party and then be gone before you're burnt out on it or any commitment catches up to you. So he becomes louder, more flamboyant, and less concerned with his masks when the audience who knows them is so far away. He can become a slightly different person in each new town. He makes even less meaningful friends doing this, since coming off as more of a "manic pixie dreamgirl" tends to attract the kind of friends who would only like his entertainment more than him and his real troubles. But he is always adored, always looked at like the sun, and always gone before anxiety and depression and imposter syndrome catch up to swallow him whole.

His car breaks down in Utah, right as he tries to leave town. He can't afford a motel AND repairs, he can't sleep in a car that's in the shop, and he has no stable connections anywhere near enough to help him out. He is stuck, and is forced to plant himself down where he is or ask for help from his family. He fears he will never leave California again if he goes back like this. And he HATES the idea of needing anyone other than himself.

So, he locks in. He signs a 3 year lease on an apartment, and settles in for the longest stop on his journey.

During this time, he feels incredibly trapped. He was there long enough to make brief connections, to be known as the Sunshine California boy, and even if it isn't a lie, it takes a lot of energy to keep up with that. But he clings to those little connections, now that he has no excuse to move on and is afraid of burning bridges in a small town. He gets the job at Freddy's through that, and he just... Starts to unpack. Puts up a few posters. And tells himself he can leave it all behind in 3 years. He just has to last 3 years.

His family is THRILLED about it when he spins it as him loving the town enough to stay longer. They ask him often about if he is making friends or is in a relationship, and he is HORRIBLE at lying when there isn't some truth to it, so he does honestly try to make the most of his 3 year sentence as he counts down the calendar days and wonders what he'll tell them when he picks up to leave again.

He realizes pretty quickly that his normal way of flings is not sustainable in such a small town, and he makes an attempt at actually dating, which fails spectacularly as every person treats him as a novelty, and he can't find it in himself to commit to anyone. It's so hard to deal with the flaws of another person when he normally can just... Move on to the next one?

It's his own curiosity that really gets him. He wonders too much about and flirts too much with his grumpy shut-in coworker, Michael, who has the unique position of being the only person who

A) doesn't have any interest in hooking up with Jeremy

B) is enough of a loner that Jeremy finds it safe to confide in or have his mask slip in front of him

And also C) has absolutely no way to avoid Jeremy.

All together, Jeremy worms his way into Michael's life, kind of convinced that he can "fix" Michael, and is immediately struck by how fiercely Michael BELONGS exactly where he is. By how certain Michael is in staying, in what he's doing, and in not caring about what comes next. It's such an intensely alien thing for Jeremy, and it makes him feel, for lack of a better term, homesick. Yearning for something that would actually ground him. It makes him wonder if maybe, Michael can fix HIM instead. He clings. And Michael cannot shake him like he does everyone else, and eventually stops wanting to.

Michael is, if nothing else, confident in his place and purpose and life, and Jeremy is drawn to that and enamoured by it before he realizes what a horrible and ill-advised thing it is. By then, it's too late. Jeremy finds out enough of the truth that Michael is forced to tell him the rest, and in doing so terhers them together irreversibly. Jeremy thrives on it, on feeling needed and wanted and trusted, and this is the thing that almost does manage to scare Michael off, as he is aware of how codependant they are becoming. They're both aware of it, and while they try to work on it, they also excuse it as what both of them need to just get through the current time.

Jeremy wants to drag Michael away, to bring Michael with him across the country and find something that could hold them beyond horrors, where they could actually just balance eachother out and be happy, but he knows that Michael would never leave until there's some sort of resolution. Jeremy never actually tells Michael that he planned to leave when his 3 years is up. He doesn't want to stay in Utah forever, but he doesn't want to leave Michael, and he's honestly just hoping that if he pries and involves himself enough, he can help Michael resolve shit in time and they could leave together.

Jeremy's family ends up putting together some of the pieces about Michael, and badger Jeremy until he admits that they're in a relationship. While hesitant, his family is pretty chill about it, and Michael does meet them. It's one of the most anxiety-inducing things Jeremy has ever experienced. The whole time, he is positive that it's a trap, that he'll be hit with homophobia and rejection.

Instead, the family just... Acknowledges that Jeremy has always been "a little different" and that they weren't really surprised. It's teasing, jokes, little digs that hit too close to home. There's still comments about Michael being a "special friend" and Jeremy gets the questions of "so are you a girl again if you're with a guy? Does Michael know? Did he used to be a girl, too? Can you two still have kids? Wouldn't it be so much easier to just get married like a normal couple?"

This all weighs down on Jeremy immensely. It toes the line again of "I am only barely accepted, and they will never reject me enough that I can leave." Especially when they really take a liking to Michael, and start to tease about why he would settle for Jeremy. Michael hates this, more than he can put into words. There's times where Michael thinks he would genuinely rather have dinner with his own father, the murderer, than bite his tongue and sit across from Jeremy in a house where they are made to sleep in separate rooms, where Jeremy recedes in on himself and forces smiles while being handed all the evidence of his wasted potential.

When the bite happens, it cements Jeremy's involvement in Fazbear bullshit, and completely erases his ideas of leaving Utah as soon as his lease is up. He only survives the ordeal due to Michael getting remnant involved, and suddenly, Jeremy doesn't belong in the Afton family drama but he is now too deeply a part of it to leave, and in the short term he is physically unable to leave on his own. He is left with a lot of issues with his fine motor skills, his sight, and he has a lot of trouble grounding himself in higher-stress/higher-emotion situations. He is impulsive, shorter tempered, and more prone to his ADHD forgetfulness than before, and when emotions get high then he has a VERY difficult time thinking, unable to find words to express himself and often getting his timeline mixed up and being unable to remember if a fight was from two years ago or an hour ago. He is fiercely insistant on being independant, as if it will erase the codependency and sense of identity he has tied to Michael, and he fears Michael taking care of him to the point of resentment, so he won't allow it. He slows his own recovery more than once in refusing to take any sort of help and pushing himself too hard. He also refuses to move back to California with his family, as he is TERRIFIED of how they'll baby him now. The only reason he's able to stay in Utah and afford his own care is largely in part due to Henry's involvement. (That's kind of a whole other offshoot of Miscalculated, but basically, Michael reconnects with Henry right after the bite, and they collectively manage to blackmail a hush money settlement out of Fazbear for Jeremy before tentatively teaming up to search for William/continue the remnant research. It's a strained relationship, with neither of them fully trusting the other, but Henry and Jeremy end up becoming rather close, as Henry sees a lot of Charlie in him, and sees Jeremy as the one person that he or Michael could save. Henry always takes Jeremy's side over Michael's in everything. Neither of them want William to know that Jeremy has been given remnant, out of fear for what William might do to Jeremy to test it's strength.)

Fights between Jeremy and Michael are exceptionally difficult post-bite, as Jeremy is litterally missing a part of his brain and is largely incapable of acting calmly/rationally under emotional pressure, and Michael's attempts to fill in the blanks make him feel out of control and misinterpretted. Jeremy feels coddled, and it makes him even less likely to ask for help when he really needs it. He gets far more stubborn.

They make it work, but it's rocky for a while. Michael is overprotective to a fault, and it takes another trip back to Jeremy's family for Michael to realize the full extent of Jeremy's fears and realize that he has started to treat Jeremy in too similar a way to his babying family. It's a big slap in the face, and Michael takes a huge step back after that and learns to actually trust Jeremy in taking care of himself and communicating his needs, so long as Jeremy promises to actually communicate his needs. They do settle into a new normal, and Jeremy's 3 year lease is coming to an end. Michael insists that Jeremy move in with him when it happens, and they genuinely discuss the idea of leaving Utah together entirely. The idea is growing on Michael, as his leads on William and remnant are just about dried up and Henry convinces him it could be good to move on. Michael has been finding more and more reasons to live, things he cares about beyond the past, and can imagine a life for himself in a place like New York. Jeremy is THRILLED, and tosses himself into packing things up and getting ready to move in with Michael, in looking at house and apartment listings further East, in trying to dial Andrea's number again and again and again because he surely has to be close to it now.

There's a bit over a month left on Jeremy's lease when Michael hears from William about Sister Location. He and Jeremy talk about it for a long time, even though Michael leaves out far too many details to make it a fair conversation.

Jeremy knows Michael would resent him forever if he stopped him from going. So this is the last chapter of the Afton family, whatever Michael finds, they are DONE after that, and they are going to leave together. That's the deal.