#microsoft excel

Wednesday: Why would I be—

Enid: *saucily* Because I’d love to look up your V.

Wednesday:

Enid: Get it? It’s a play on vlookup—vertical lookup—which is this thing you can do in Excel.

Wednesday: Enid, you are not making any sense.

Enid: *sighs* My bad. I should’ve known better than to—

Wednesday: You’d use hlookup, not vlookup.

Enid: …pardon?

Wednesday: You asked if I were a spreadsheet row, which is not searched using a vertical lookup, regardless of your desires.

Enid: Uh.

Wednesday: So unless you’d love to look up my “H”, which I suspect loses the intended sexual innuendo, you should have instead asked if I were a spreadsheet column.

Enid:

Enid: Okay, not to be offensive, but how the shit do YOU know Microsoft Excel??

Wednesday: *scoffs* Please. I mastered that application on my father’s Compaq as a child. I can pivot a table just as well an opponent’s blade.

Enid: Seriously?

Wednesday: Quite. While my so-called peers were still hunt-and-pecking their ways to a double-digit WPM, I was already exploring the Hall of Tortured Souls.

Enid: Hall of Tortured— Wait, isn’t that the hidden game that was in Microsoft Excel 95?!

Wednesday: It still is.

Enid:

Enid: Wednesday, what was the last version of Windows you used?

Wednesday: My father’s personal favorite and the one that heralded the 21st century: Windows 2000. Is there a problem with that?

Enid: No, babe, not at all. I just love learning things about you that no one else knows.

Wednesday: Oh?

Enid: Mm hmn. No one would ever guess that you, Wednesday Addams, are all technophobe in the streets, Excel virtuoso in the sheets.

His name is XL. He's average clone size, so people are naturally curious about what the name means. They ask if it's a dirty joke about his dingaling.

It's not. He pulls up some files. He's the quartermaster. He uses Space Excel, and it's not CALLED Excel, but he Excels at it. Hence XL.

His friends in two other battalions are Spread and Sheets. All of them get asked the Is It A Dirty Joke question and ALL respond with The Same Fucking Move (files).

I have, however, also been using Open Office and later Libre Office exclusively since Windows XP.

Now, as I am forced to use the Microsoft Office programs at work, I understand. I understand.

I am considering Excel an actively hostile program.

Whoever designed this motherfucker was really thinking "mh, where do I put this to make sure no user could possibly reasonably guess to find it there and how do I make the interface the most user unfriendly thing possible?" and then putting that same energy into the Microsoft FAQ that's supposed to explain to you where to find the shit you can't find on your own.

But it's such an amazing program and I'm only scratching the surface. The problem is, whenever I try to teach myself more, I get stuck in guides that are like "this is a cell." And the example is always something like "you are the owner of a shoe shop and you want to know how many red shoes you have".