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Ajax: Yo Enid! You're not gonna believe the dirt I heard about your new roommate. She eats human flesh, totally chowed down on that dude she murdered. You better watch your back!
Enid: 😐
Enid: *steps aside to reveal…*
Wednesday: 😑
Wednesday: Please. According to my visions, the only human I will be “chowing down” upon is, in what must be some merciless cosmic joke—
Wednesday: —a mystery woman who wears abhorrently colorful socks decorated with anthropomorphic cats—
Wednesday: —neatly trims her netherhair to resemble an anatomically incorrect heart in lurid shades of pink—
Wednesday: —and possesses a uniquely vexing habit of screaming the letters “O”, “M”, and “G”—in escalating pitch and with quite frankly astonishing enthusiasm—throughout intercourse.
Enid/Ajax: 😳 😯
Wednesday: *eyes the two in suspicion*
Wednesday: Does that description toll a bell?
Enid/Ajax: 😒☝️😲
*POW!*
Enid/Ajax: 👊😒 😵💫💫
Wednesday: *appreciatively* Superb form.
Enid: Thanks! So uh… any chance you’d like to get a coffee with me after this?
Wednesday: *looks from Enid’s bruising knuckles to her enchanting vaguely intriguing blue eyes*
Wednesday:
Wednesday: I am amendable to the idea.
Enid: Perfect! *grabs Wednesday’s hand* So up next is…
Wednesday: The only things I raise are one’s blood pressure, Hell, and on at least two occasions, the dead.
Enid: *knowing look* Uh huh. Sure thing, babe. Just think about it.
Wednesday: *eyes narrow* Don’t give me that look. How you could possibly imagine that I’m a suitable candidate for raising children with is be—
“Wednesday, I did it!”
Enid/Wednesday: 😒😒
Agnes: *runs up* I ace’d the test! I remembered your every instruction and they worked perfectly.
Wednesday: *nods approvingly* Of course they did. Congratulations. You may reward yourself with a gold star.
Agnes: Thank you! And um… *fidgets* …what about this weekend?
Wednesday: Grenade fishing at the lake, Saturday, 9 am sharp. You’ve earned it.
Agnes: *misty-eyed smile*
Wednesday: *snaps* Just do not be late or—
Agnes: *cheerily* Or you’ll hang me upside down by my toes over a pit of flesh-eating earwigs. Don’t worry, I remember.
Wednesday: Very well. Now get to dinner. I expect for you to clean your plate with the same efficiency that you showed with last week’s surveillance footage.
Agnes: As you wish, M-uh— I mean Wednesday.
Agnes: *anxiously curtsies and vanishes*
Wednesday: 🙄
Wednesday: *turns back to Enid* Now then, about this absurd notion of raising—
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Bianca: Wednesday, that’s a claiming mark. Enid claimed you.
Wednesday: *scoffs* Don’t be absurd. The placement was entirely accidental and therefore platonic in nature.
Bianca: *incredulous* You’re seriously telling me that your late blooming roommate who only wolfed out in order to save your life—
Bianca: —who later did it again at the cost of her humanity and risked living out her greatest fear of being alone forever—
Bianca: —the same roommate that you just spent months hunting for in the Canadian wilderness and ended up crossing an entire ocean to find—
Bianca: —after which you dedicated every iota of your time, energy, and resources to solving the previously impossible task of changing her back—
Bianca: —all while personally caring for her every single need like she was the only thing in all of existence that mattered to you…
Bianca: You’re saying THAT roommate bit you deeply enough to leave a permanent scar in a location with significant romantic implications amongst her kind… by ACCIDENT?
Wednesday:
Wednesday:
Wednesday: That is essentially correct.
Bianca: *eye twitch*
Bianca: Right. So what, did Enid just trip and fall mouth-first on your shoulder?
Wednesday: Actually, she slipped, but otherwise yes.
Bianca: And this was all purely platonic.
Wednesday: Obviously.
Bianca:
Bianca: *internal scream*
Bianca: FINE, it was a platonic bite. Whatever you say, you…
Bianca: 🤔
Bianca: Hold up, why were your shoulders bare? You dress like a Victorian widow.
Down at Nevermore’s lakeside dock, where Divina watches from the water as an irate Yoko berates Wednesday.
Yoko: STOP DEGRADING MY GIRLFRIEND!
Wednesday: This is a trade. Dignity is merely the only commodity I am accepting.
Yoko: I DON’T—
Divina: Babe, I love you, but please shut up and don’t ruin this for me.
Yoko: But she’s feeding you FISH FLAKES like you’re a freaking GOLDFISH!
Wednesday: *thoughtful hum* While this would be squandered on goldfish, it does in fact contain gold.
Yoko:
Yoko: Huh?
Divina: It’s not fish flakes, it’s Strottarga Bianco.
Yoko: Strotta-what now?
Wednesday: Strottarga Bianco is caviar from the rare Siberian Albino Sturgeon that has been meticulously desiccated and blended with 22-karat gold particulates.
Yoko: *stare of disbelief*
Divina: Yoko, a single kilo of this stuff retails for like three hundred thousand dollars. She just fed me the equivalent of one year’s tuition at an Ivy League school.
Yoko: 😧⁉️
Yoko: HOW?
Wednesday: Spoils from my uncle’s latest heist against the egregiously rich. You may think of him as Robin Hood, just with less hair and more lobotomies.
Yoko: …
Divina: *splashes for attention* More, please!
Yoko: *watches dumbfounded as Wednesday sprinkles the world’s most expensive caviar into the lake*
Wednesday: *casually* If you’re interested, I also have a quantity of Rh-null blood.
Yoko: *incredulous* Excuse me? There’s only like fifty people in the entire world with that blood type. I’ve never even met a vampire who has tasted it.
Wednesday: Then you can be the first… *arches an eyebrow* …as long you’re willing to consume it from a hummingbird feeder.
Yoko: Oh hell nah! If you seriously think I’m gonna… gonna… *glances at Divina*
Divina: *happily eating the caviar like a gorgeous lesbian goldfish*
Yoko: 😒
Yoko: 😤
Yoko: *bitingly* Do you put Enid through this shit?
Wednesday: My fearsome wolf is currently enjoying her weekly treat of A5 Kobe beef from a custom-made neon pink KONG.
Yoko: 😐
Yoko: 🤔
Yoko:
Yoko: Can I at least use a straw, or do I need to lap it straight from the feeder?
Wednesday: Whichever is more humiliating for you.
Yoko: *sighs* Right, tongue-banging a plastic flower it is.
