In the Absence of Color

Bianca: Excuse me? You incapacitated Wednesday by accident.

Enid: Says you! I happened to put a ton of effort into my promposal.

Bianca: More like a ton of rainbow glitter, which your color-allergic, would-be prom date inhaled.

Enid: So? What’s important is that she said “yes” BEFORE her throat closed up!

Bianca: Jesus, Enid, has anyone ever told you that you’re downright ruthless? You literally went full Arts and Crafts of War on your crush!

Agnes: *appears* That’s General Enid Sin Tzu to you, peasant.

Bianca: 😦

Enid: *indignant* Hey! I thought we agreed on Enid Sun Clair!

Agnes: Mm. We did, but you’re already reknown for your sunny disposition, so the whole Sun Tzu reference gets lost.

Enid: 🤔

Enid: Valid. So what’s next?

Agnes: *recites* In the midst of chaos, there is also opportunity.

Enid: 😲

Enid: We should break into Wednesday’s desk while she’s at the hospital and search for clues about her dream date!

Agnes: Excellent idea, General. I’ll fetch the tools.

Bianca: *watches in dumbfounded silence as Agnes vanishes and Enid gallops away*

Wednesday: *teeth gritted* We are in Purgatory.

Enid: *feigned calm* The graduation is just running a little late.

Wednesday: Allow me destroy the speakers.

Enid: Wednesday, no. And the song isn’t that bad.

🎶 I’m walking in sunshine, WOooAH! 🎶

Wednesday: Walking on the actual sun would be preferable to having this aural assault repeat itself yet again.

Enid: *sympathetic wince* Okay, yeah, having it loop for like the last hour has been a little much.

🎶 And don’t it feel G—

Wednesday/Enid: ‼️😐😯‼️

The auditorium quiets with cautious optimism, followed by a collective sigh of profound relief.

Enid: See? It finally stopped!

Wednesday: It’s just as well. I have accelerant, but my lighter is mysteriously absent.

Enid: *feigned innocence* Really? Gosh, that’s too bad. I’m sure you just left it at h—

—OOD! HEY! Alright now, and don’t it feel GOOD! 🎶

The auditorium erupts into a collective chorus of exasperated groans.

Wednesday/Enid: 😡😬

Enid: *sheepish grin* They are seriously lucky that you don’t have your lighter on you.

Wednesday: Oh, I don’t know about that. It appears that I am spoiled for choice, which ironically does feel good.

Enid: *glances over* Huh? What do you m—

Wednesday: *surrounded by desperate parents collectively offering their lighters*

Enid: 🫢

Bianca: Truth. Like a grim reaper with a heart of gold.

Enid: Oh, yeah, that too.

Bianca: Pardon?

*horrified screams of disgust*

Bianca: 😒

Bianca: 😧⁉️

Bianca: Where the hell did she even FIND a mummified heart that big?

Enid: From her 190-times-great-granduncle Addamhotep the Third’s canopic barrel.

Bianca: 😐

Bianca: 😑

Bianca: 😐

Bianca: Oh… kay. That would explain it being mummified, but what about the freaking size of it? I’m pretty sure it’s bigger than her whole-damn torso!

Enid: Well, like my secretly compassionate girlfriend, Addamhotep the Third also had a huge heart…

Bianca: 🤨

Enid: …but it’s mostly because he was a half-sphinx who died from undiagnosed cardiomegaly.

Agnes: That’s correct. Your secret admirer, who is as shy as she is vibrant, would like to know what you are looking for in a woman.

Nearby bush: *anxious rustle*

Agnes/Wednesday: 😒 😒 🌳💦

Wednesday: …I see.

Wednesday: Tell my would-be suitor that I prefer my women in the same manner as my favorite knives—

Wednesday: —and that if she is truly interested in courting me, then she would do well to replace them.

Agnes: *knowing grin* Understood.

Wednesday: *gives a curt nod and stalks away*

Agnes: *turns and casually walks over to the nearby bush*

Agnes: She’s gone, pup. You can come out now.

Enid: *pops up with a groan of frustration* She likes her women like she likes her favorite knives? Seriously?

Agnes: That’s what she said.

Enid: So what, sharp and well-maintained? Does she want me to like, I dunno, BUY her sharper knives??

Agnes: Not exactly. Where does Wednesday keep her favorite knives?

Enid: In their sheaths, duh! How does that help?

Agnes: 🤦‍♀️

Agnes: *slowly* And she keeps those sheaths where exactly?

Enid: Strapped to her inner thi—

Enid: 🫪‼️

Enid: Th… th-thi… thi… thnngnfghh…

Agnes: Enid? Your nose is… nevermind, I’ll take care of it.

Agnes/Enid: