In the Absence of Color

Wednesday: As much as it galls me to admit it, Agnes has proven useful to this investigation.

Enid: Babe, I don’t care. That bitch puts the sicko in sycophant.

Wednesday: You give her too much credit. She is only deranged at best.

Enid: Only deranged? She sneaks in to drink your freaking bathwater!

Wednesday: Don’t be absurd, she’s not that—

*burp*

Enid/Wednesday: 😒😒

Agnes: 🫥

Enid: *snaps out claws* Permission to hunt that overgrown Annabelle?

Wednesday: Granted.

Enid: We’re just taking the bait!

Bianca: Excuse me?

Wednesday: The bait with which a particularly imprudent trap was laid.

Bianca: What kind of trap? Or bait? Or whatever?

Enid: Well, it’s Wends and me, so obviously the queer kind.

Bianca:

Bianca: Oh for crying out— Are you actually serious?

Enid: To quote another fiercely competitive blonde from a prime example of queerbaiting, this is Dixie Chicks serious.

Bianca:

Bianca: You two are insane.

Wednesday: Would you care to join us?

Bianca: And just why would I do that?

Enid: Because I know for a fact that you read Supercorp, Miss FishBitch4Fics.

Bianca: 😳

Bianca: 😒

Bianca: 🤔

Bianca: Fine, I’m in. How far to the target?

Enid: *sweating* ummmm

Inner Yoko: Play dumb!

Enid: What's a letter? Like the alphabet?

Inner Bianca: Not that dumb!!!

Wednesday: *stares at her, then not unkindly* It is a analog means of communication used before email and texting, they come in sealed containers called envelopes

Inner Bianca: Wow she thinks your dumb

Wednesday: In any case, as they are apparently not from you, I am not interested in a relationship outside of our own

Enid: *in her head* wait did she just say she's interested in me???

Inner Yoko: uggggghhhh maybe?

Inner Gomez: Shower your glorious paramour with praise!

Wednesday: Your current application of lipstick is as lurid as any Glasgow smile.

Enid: Huh??

Inner Morticia: A touch less morbid, my dear, and perhaps in Spanish.

Wednesday: Tus labios son preciosos.

Enid: WHAT ABOUT MY LABIA?!

Wednesday: …

Inner Uncle Fester: Time to bail, toots! Quick, eat a lightbulb and backflip off the balcony!

Enid: Uh. What are you doing with that lightb—

*crunch!*

Bianca: What’s with Ajax?

Enid: *sighs* He’s freaking out over Thing.

Bianca: But didn’t they become best buds after winning that hacky sack tournament together?

Wednesday: My beloved’s ex-entanglement made the questionable choice of sharing a pipe with my Uncle Fester.

Bianca: Of weed?

Wednesday: Amongst other things. He is lucky to still be counted amongst the living.

Bianca: *grimaces* Jesus.

Ajax: *shrieks when Thing hops up onto a nearby bed*

Enid: *groans* Ajax, for the last time, there’s nobody attached to Thing! You just smoked too much!

Ajax: B-But Blue Dude! I SEE BLUE DUDE! 😭

Bruno: Why are you friends with her?

Enid: Because even though Wednesday is literally the tunnel at the end of my light, I cannot imagine my life without her in it.

Enid: *wistful sigh*

Bruno: I think it’s cool how you’re downright bi.

Enid: Emphasis on— Wait, did you say “ride or die”?

Bruno: No? Look, Enid, it’s only natural to confess your feelings for your best friend when we’re chained up under a bunch of knives. I don’t mind.

Enid:

Enid: Ohmygod. Am I in love with Wednesday?

Bruno: You did say you painted those nails black for her.

Enid: 😧

Enid: I’M IN LOVE WITH WEDNESDAY.

*KR-CHRNK*

Bruno: *gawks at the broken chains pooling to the floor*

Enid: *anxious pacing* I’m in love. I’m in love with Wednesday. I… I have to tell her! Bruno, are you—

Bruno: I’ll be fine. Go get your tunnel.

Enid: *shoots Bruno a thankful smile and races away*

Bruno: *watches Enid go, then casually stands*

Bruno: It worked.

Bruno: 😒

Bruno/ : 😒 🫥

Bruno/Agnes: 😒 😐

Enid: *offended gasp* What? I would NEVER cheat on you—

Ajax: *scoffs* Oh really?

Enid: —with Bruno.

Ajax: 😦

Enid: 🫢

Ajax: Wait, does that mean—

Wednesday: *steps into the room* Enid, there you are. Come along. We’ve a date to investigate.

Ajax/Enid: 😨😳

Wednesday: *looks between the two*

Wednesday: Ah, I see now.

Wednesday: *pensively faces Ajax*

Wednesday: Get bent.

Wednesday: *turns and leaves behind a trail of ruin*

Ajax/Enid: ☹️ 🫩

Ajax/Enid: 🥺 🤦‍♀️

Enid: *groans* Yes, please!

Wednesday: Splendid. Now that we are “official”, here is your copy of our dating contract.

Enid: Dating whatnow?

Wednesday: I’ve marked all pertinent sections and strongly suggest you review them before our first official date this weekend, as there will be a test at the end.

Enid:

Enid: 😭

Morticia: *glides over in a rush* What happened to Wednesday?

Enid: *anxious* I-I don’t know! I was just giving her mouth-to-mouth!

Morticia: So she had stopped breathing?

Enid: What? No, no, no. She fell over after.

Morticia: 😒

Enid: 🫢

Enid: Yes, Wednesday?

Wednesday: When you gave me this conveniently oversized band tee as a gift, was it your intention that it serve as my nightwear?

Enid: What? Of course not.

Wednesday: I see. Then perhaps you some idea as to why I found all of my nightwear inconveniently destroyed, as if mauled by an ill-tempered beast—

Wednesday: —thus depriving me of any other suitable option than this shirt and a pair of suspiciously indecent sleep shorts that I do not recall ever owning?

Enid: Gosh, that’s horrible! Who would even do some— *burp* —thing like that?

Wednesday: *watches the black scrap of pajama flutter down from Enid’s mouth*

Bianca: *rolls her eyes* Of course you are. Like a hawk or something?

Wednesday: No, more like a pheasant, or perhaps a quail.

Bianca: Aren’t those less bird of prey and more just prey, period?

Wednesday: Bird OR prey, Barclay, not bird of prey.

Bianca:

Bianca: Pardon?

Wednesday: *surreptitiously nods towards something in the distance*

Bianca: *glances in that direction to see…*

Hungry Hungry Enid: *partially shifted and poorly hidden amongst anemic shrubbery*

Bianca: 🤨❓

Bianca: Why is Enid drooling at you like you’re the dinosaur bone to her starving cartoon dog?

Wednesday: I’ve taken to wearing suspenders.

Bianca: Didn’t she say she has a thing for suspenders?

Wednesday: *shrugs, turns, and with unerring accuracy begins to make delectable quail noises*

Hungry Hungry Enid: 👁️🫦👁️‼️

Hungry Hungry Enid: *howls and charges*

Bianca: