In the Absence of Color

Wednesday: *teeth gritted* We are in Purgatory.

Enid: *feigned calm* The graduation is just running a little late.

Wednesday: Allow me destroy the speakers.

Enid: Wednesday, no. And the song isn’t that bad.

🎶 I’m walking in sunshine, WOooAH! 🎶

Wednesday: Walking on the actual sun would be preferable to having this aural assault repeat itself yet again.

Enid: *sympathetic wince* Okay, yeah, having it loop for like the last hour has been a little much.

🎶 And don’t it feel G—

Wednesday/Enid: ‼️😐😯‼️

The auditorium quiets with cautious optimism, followed by a collective sigh of profound relief.

Enid: See? It finally stopped!

Wednesday: It’s just as well. I have accelerant, but my lighter is mysteriously absent.

Enid: *feigned innocence* Really? Gosh, that’s too bad. I’m sure you just left it at h—

—OOD! HEY! Alright now, and don’t it feel GOOD! 🎶

The auditorium erupts into a collective chorus of exasperated groans.

Wednesday/Enid: 😡😬

Enid: *sheepish grin* They are seriously lucky that you don’t have your lighter on you.

Wednesday: Oh, I don’t know about that. It appears that I am spoiled for choice, which ironically does feel good.

Enid: *glances over* Huh? What do you m—

Wednesday: *surrounded by desperate parents collectively offering their lighters*

Enid: 🫢

Bianca: Truth. Like a grim reaper with a heart of gold.

Enid: Oh, yeah, that too.

Bianca: Pardon?

*horrified screams of disgust*

Bianca: 😒

Bianca: 😧⁉️

Bianca: Where the hell did she even FIND a mummified heart that big?

Enid: From her 190-times-great-granduncle Addamhotep the Third’s canopic barrel.

Bianca: 😐

Bianca: 😑

Bianca: 😐

Bianca: Oh… kay. That would explain it being mummified, but what about the freaking size of it? I’m pretty sure it’s bigger than her whole-damn torso!

Enid: Well, like my secretly compassionate girlfriend, Addamhotep the Third also had a huge heart…

Bianca: 🤨

Enid: …but it’s mostly because he was a half-sphinx who died from undiagnosed cardiomegaly.

Agnes: That’s correct. Your secret admirer, who is as shy as she is vibrant, would like to know what you are looking for in a woman.

Nearby bush: *anxious rustle*

Agnes/Wednesday: 😒 😒 🌳💦

Wednesday: …I see.

Wednesday: Tell my would-be suitor that I prefer my women in the same manner as my favorite knives—

Wednesday: —and that if she is truly interested in courting me, then she would do well to replace them.

Agnes: *knowing grin* Understood.

Wednesday: *gives a curt nod and stalks away*

Agnes: *turns and casually walks over to the nearby bush*

Agnes: She’s gone, pup. You can come out now.

Enid: *pops up with a groan of frustration* She likes her women like she likes her favorite knives? Seriously?

Agnes: That’s what she said.

Enid: So what, sharp and well-maintained? Does she want me to like, I dunno, BUY her sharper knives??

Agnes: Not exactly. Where does Wednesday keep her favorite knives?

Enid: In their sheaths, duh! How does that help?

Agnes: 🤦‍♀️

Agnes: *slowly* And she keeps those sheaths where exactly?

Enid: Strapped to her inner thi—

Enid: 🫪‼️

Enid: Th… th-thi… thi… thnngnfghh…

Agnes: Enid? Your nose is… nevermind, I’ll take care of it.

Agnes/Enid:

Enid: *sobbing as she grips Wednesday’s sleeve* I. I c-can’t. P-Please don’t make me!

Wednesday: You have to. There’s no other way.

Enid: B-But what if this is the last time? I… I can’t bear to lose you again!

Wednesday: *reaches out to caress Enid’s face* Mi corazón, I am an Addams. If I do not see you again in this life, then know that there is no afterlife imaginable that could keep me from you.

Enid: *leans into the caress as she weeps* I love you, Wednesday Addams, forever and alwa—

“OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE, LET HER GO ALREADY!”

Wednesday/Enid: *glance back at the speaker and the long line of people behind her*

Bianca: *seething with rage and discomfort*

Bianca: ENID, this club has only ONE freaking bathroom and I have to pee. Hell, ALL of these OTHER people have to pee, so STOP being a melodramatic queer CATASTROPHE—

Bianca: —and GET the FUCK ON WITH IT!

Wednesday/Enid: 😐🥺

Wednesday/Enid: 😒🥺

Wednesday/Enid: 🖕😑🥺