#messythoughts

I am unsure if I am disappointed in myself or if I am disappointed in others. I can’t set expectations to others, that is unfair. They are living their own lives, emotions, struggles, etc. So it may be my fault, my own disappointment, that I set expectations for people for myself. Do I bring my own sadness? Do I bring my own downfall? By causing my own disappointment? By associating that disappointment with people? To distance myself from people? As a way to distance myself from...myself? 

Have I really grown? All this self-care, self-aware bullshit. Am I any different? Surely, I may have made SOME progress. Clearly, though, it is not enough. 

Seems as though I need to start focusing on myself. Like how I used to do before this self-care bs. Creating my own happiness. Just like I used to. 

I used to lay in bed every night, let my mind wonder, let my imagination explore, beautiful scenarios and possibilities. I lived vicariously through my bedtime imaginations. Traveling the world, exploring breathtaking places, learning new cultures, indulging in delicious cuisine, meeting beautiful people, sharing my experience with a best friend and love. 

I learned it all, from reading countless books.

I lived it all. I’ve seen it all. Imaginary fights, imaginary struggles, imaginary illness, imaginary peace, imaginary fortune, imaginary sights, imaginary love, imaginary dreams coming true. 

so… i got a new phone 📱💀 and i’ve been working on something for like 20 DAYS 😭

sorry for disappearing… family stuff happened, phone drama happened, life happened… basically chaos ⚡️

BUT!!! 👀💖 i’m lowkey hyped for saturday because i’m hanging out with this dude i’ve been talking to for a while… and his sisters 😎💫 yeah. should be fun lol

anyway… the BIG news 💥 i’m dropping something tomorrow. promise. 🎉🎉

i’ll be real… i kinda lost motivation for a bit felt like my writing wasn’t that good 😔 and i’ve been trying to figure out how to actually get better ✍️✨

so if you’ve got tips or things i should work on plsssss tell me 🙏💖 honest criticism = SAFE here. i’m ready 😤

Done with uni, and it’s finally sinking in. there’s this strange sensation, like a door closing behind me and another one barely cracked open in front. i’m happy, sure, but there’s this emptiness too—a hollow space that used to be filled with the certainty of what comes next. now it’s just this vast, open question, and i feel like i’m already lagging behind, like life’s this marathon and everyone else is a mile ahead. how do you just exist in the moment when the future feels like it’s rushing at you, full speed, and you’re not even sure you’ve got your shoes on the right feet?

i saw my partner again, finally, and there’s something so grounding in our connection. i love the duality of us—the way we can slip between the sheets..., but also just be together, two souls tangled up in something deeper. it’s like we’ve built this world where i can be my messy, chaotic self, and he still looks at me like i’m something worth holding onto. i love him so fiercely, it almost scares me. but sometimes my feelings get all tangled up in knots, and i don’t know what to do with them. i shut down, like a machine overheating, and my mind whispers maybe it’s easier to break it all apart. it’s not him, not really, just this weird, temporary numbness that washes over me when i’m overwhelmed.

and work. god, the whole thing with the sexual harassment... it’s like, do men even hear themselves? he apologized, sure, but then he had the audacity to deny it all happened, to put the blame on me for not saying ‘stop.’ as if it’s not basic decency to know you shouldn’t touch someone without their consent. fuck that. fuck you, seriously.

right now, i’m just here, my thoughts a whirlwind of contradictions. i feel like i’m standing on a tightrope, balancing between happy and sad, good and bad, and it’s exhausting. adulthood is this weird, endless maze, and sometimes it feels like there’s no exit.

i keep telling myself i need to learn how to savor the moment, to find joy in the here and now, but my mind is always spinning with a hundred different ‘what ifs.’ i need to find new things that light me up, need a routine to steady me, need to get better, healthier. but it’s all so overwhelming, this constant pressure to do more, be more. sometimes i just want to scream into the void because it’s like i want everything and nothing, all at once.

so maybe, for now, i’ll just try to be. to sit with myself and all this messy, complicated stuff that makes up who i am.

it is this;

my heart was never safe in your hands

and your arms were never meant to be my home

you made me feel like I mattered

like I could fit somewhere in your mess

your eyes told stories

I got lost in the details

and even tho I kept drowning in your chaos

I kept my head above water

just a little longer so I could breathe you in

one last time

I said a million times

I stayed by your side through hell

and you left me here, lifeless

how foolish an understanding heart can be

— keep the life jacket, I’m not coming home

My table is a mess like how my mind is always in chaos. I have grown accustomed to having my thoughts scattered everywhere, I guess that eventually reflects on one's actions because that clearly explains why my working space is so disorganized.

I miss being passionate. Being able to feel Art. That burning desire to create and express. I feel like something in me has died, buried somewhere deep within the insecurities, guilt, hatred, and agony that has piled up inside me.