#memory walk

First off, I make myself comfortable, usually laying down because sitting up I get stiff or uncomfortable (bad back). I make sure I have the time and quiet space to do it, drawing the blinds on the windows, setting an alarm if I think I might fall asleep on accident (hasn’t happened as much I’ve gotten better, but it still happens sometimes), make sure it’s not noisy and that I don’t have to go anywhere or do anything in a time crunch. Usually for me this means evenings or weekends! 

Then I begin focusing on my breathing - personally, I don’t count while breathing. Why? My brain has trouble when it comes to staying focused on a train of thought, and I’ve found keeping track of the numbers actually makes it harder for me to get into the mindset I need to - I either get really mixed up and frustrated at how I can’t keep track of the numbers, or I get so distracted doing that I sort of forget what I’m doing? Instead I just focus on the in and out, focusing on my breath rather than anything too much. Usually if I’m thinking about anything during this, I’m focusing about which timeline am I going to find memories for this time around. This is probably what helps me settle into the right frame of mind, honestly. It’s like prepping yourself for the next steps.

I’d suggest trying the number method for the first time, see if it works for you. If not, then finding an alternative thing to think about or focus on is just as good! 

Once I feel like I’m ready - which is pretty subjective, but in my case, I almost feel something in my mind shift? like it feels like a lot of external stimuli kinda shuts off, even though it’s just my brain focusing inward. Stuff’s still there, but I’m sort of not paying it any mind anymore. Again, pretty subjective, it might not feel that way for you, and you may never feel anything different beyond ‘ok I think I’m ready’? 

But anyways, once I think I’m ready - I know who I’m delving for kin memories, I’m all calm and focused and whatnot - it’s time to tackle the visualization walkthrough. I find it really helps to keep me on track to picture myself as the kin, and I start going down whatever stairs I’m visualizing. Usually I begin narrating or thinking as if it were my kintype’s thoughts and speech patterns instead of mine. While going down stairs I’m usually just narrating some variation of ‘yup going down the stairs don’t trip just keep going until you find the right floor and we’ll be there’ lmao. 

After some time going downstairs - there’s no set time or amount of stairs, it doesn’t take long but it’s not exactly a conscious decision either- I’ll reach a landing/floor of some type. And this floor will be this long wide space in the middle of a void area, all dark, and all I can see are myself, the stairs, the floor, and, if I’m on the right floor, the Door.

“on the right floor? This implies you can be on the wrong floor!” yup, I’ve had that happen before. 

Brains are tricky things, and will often only show you things if you’re ready in some way or another. Whether it’s ready as in just focused and ready, or ready as in having some view of the world or some life experience that will allow you to handle things ok, who knows. But I’ve found, that if I’m not ready, or if I’m not in the right mindset, I’ll reach the floor and there won’t be a door there. In my case, this means a couple of things: 

1 - I didn’t go down far enough, and I jumped off of the stairs too early. In that case, I return to the stairs sequence and go down more until I hit the floor with a door visible.

2- I’m just not up for regaining memories today - in this case, the whole visualization process has been hazy and unfocused, with lots of intrusive thoughts or tangents distracting me. During these times I usually get sidetracked with a train of thought and end up falling asleep. Oh well. 

or, and this is a bit weird,

3 - I’m not ready to regain the memories for this kintype. Usually it means despite my prepwork and focusing on the kin, that I’m not actually in the right kinshift to tap into their memories. In this case I picked the kin out of a conscious desire to recover their memories specifically, rather than stopping to think about who I felt like was up to going down the stairs that day. Usually I try to go back upstairs and pick whoever feels right and try again, but by that point I’ve fallen out of the zone and can’t continue usually.

So if you can’t find the door, just try going down or up the stairs and repeating the walk and see if you find a floor with the door. If not, it just might not be the right time for you, and you’ll have to try again later.

Now!!! The moment you’ve been waiting for, the door!!

I’ve found the door is a sort of manifestation of the concepts it represents. For example, each of my kintypes has a different door. Meenah has a big pink iron door, Dave has a pretty old red wooden door, Kanaya’s is like a garden gate and so on. But it goes beyond that!! 

If you’re not ready to access the memories for any reason, even after making it all this way, or if you’re easily psyched out and nervous, then the doors might be huge and imposing, and look impossible to open because they’re so big! This happened the first time I tried to do it and got to the door. That said, the second time I had wised up, and was able to shrink the door down to a good size, and opened it easily. So it’s sort of like a reflection of how not mentally prepped you are for whatever’s on the other side.

I’ve also had the doors look different under other circumstances, too! For example, I recently had to go out of my way and do a memory walk because I could feel a memory upsetting me, but couldn’t consciously recall it for some reason. When I did, it was for Dave and his door, but it was pulsating and glowing rather than its usual unassuming state.

These won’t necessarily happen for you, nor will they happen like that if at all. But it’s important to note that the mindspace isn’t going to entirely conform to you at all times, so if you run into something unexpected, it’s up to you to try to diagnose the issue and approach it accordingly in a way that suits you! This may apply to other steps too, like the stairs or the way the memories show themselves!

So you’re at the door, and you reach to open it - what happens next?

If you’re able to grab the handle or knob or whatever, congrats it’s memory time! But if you grab at the door and it’s locked, or you can’t bring yourself to actually turn the knob, you might not be ready yet, and that’s ok! 

While I suppose you could try to force it, or envision a key or other way in like the original post suggests, I personally don’t like pushing the matter if I’m blockaded like that. Perhaps it’s due to my Breath aspect nature of letting things lead me, but in my case I’ve found it’s better to learn to take a hint and back off, or try again later.  My mindspace is very organic and definitely expresses itself in a way that reflects what I need, not what I want. Yours may not be like that. But if You try to open the door and nothing works, then your mindspace may be more like mine and may be calling some of the shots. Just learn to listen to the messages and you’ll be fine!

So then…. assuming you get through all of this, you open your respective door, and on the other side are your memories!!!

I will say this - if you get as far as opening the door, you should have your memories right there!!! I have never opened the door and not found any memories!

That said, it may be hazy or out of focus at first. If that’s the case, focus on a memory you want to recall! 

E.g. - what was my home like? - or - I know I was close with x person, I want to remember something with/about them - or even - I know this event happened in my canon, let’s go to that moment and see if I can get a bigger picture of what happened.

And from there, you’ll have memories that you can access at your disposal!! 

I’ve found it’s like walking through memories the way any movie will portray it, closest on-hand example would be the Pensieve in the Harry Potter movies - you are standing within the memories, but aren’t participating in real time or interacting with them. You can control where your points of focus are at will, though you may have a harder time with the bigger picture if you do this - for example, you start of with a memory of you on the computer - what are you doing on the computer exactly? - oh look, messaging a friend. but what about? And so on. It’s kind of like adjusting focus on a camera!

You can also skip to different memories, by focusing on something you want to know, like the questions I gave above! You can’t do this forever though - I’ve found if I go too long, I get stuck on one particular memory and pull out, or I can’t think of anything else at the moment, and pull out or fall asleep lmao.

-I started out in a house. Not a hive, a house. There was a window open to let sunlight in, normal sunlight, but it bugged me having that open. After orienting myself (the conscious part of me was unsure of who I was, where I was etc.) I went over to the window and shut it, pulling down the blinds (they were those cheap pulldown blinds that roll or unroll based on tension). I took a glance down at the hand I pulled it with - grey, with yellow nails, and a mark - mole? wart? dark freckle? - on top of the hand, to the right of my thumb. My hands were a little sturdier looking than my irl ones - a different build, like fire hands perhaps, and a little more meat on them. Of course, my hands irl are bony af so this doesn’t mean my hands were super pudgy in the memory, just didn’t look so stiff and rigid.

-So I knew I was a troll, and based on the thick grey sweater sleeve that rested on my wrist I was certain this was a Karkat memory. 

-I was gonna leave the room, go somewhere else in the otherwise dark house, when I heard a voice call my name - “Karkat” I rushed over to the source of the voice just as Dave came into the doorway, and I threw my arms around him into a big ole hug. I remember looking up at him and asking what he wanted, he said nothing and I snorted and asked sarcastically what he was even calling my name for. I didn’t let go though, still had him in a big hug. 

-He told me something, something conversational like “hey did you know ---?” I just kinda grunted in response, still cuddling him. Whatever he was telling me was about someone we knew like ‘you know so and so did/does fill in the blank’ or whatever. I can’t remember now bc I waited too long to write anything down like a douche.

-a thought had occurred to me, based on something from longer ago irl, and I kinda frowned and pulled away a bit, saying, to myself or out loud “why the fuck are you so thin???” The Dave I was hugging was like a beanpole, tall and thin. And honestly I feel like it was my own conscious thoughts getting something muddled up, but it still struck me as strange. Likely answer is I was misremembering Dave as thin but when I tried to picture other body types it wasn’t coming to me.

-Whatever it was the memory carried on a bit before we parted and I went back towards the kitchen, which was super dark other than *another* open window, which I grumbled testily about and shut, unable to figure out why Dave always left the darn things open.

-I felt the memory faltering so I decided to switch - I had the strong impression this house was set in Earth C, but did this mean we beat the game? Or was it an au of some sort? So I tried to hop to an earlier memory, and was confronted with Lord English, who was fucking big and honestly kinda terrifying.... and scaley. /:<B I remember the bright flashing lights and red desert-like background, and I feel like there was.... something? behind him? If I had to guess it was his sarcophagus but idk if he showed up in that during the fight. I also remember being at the front of a crowd, I had the impression there were others on either side of me but tbh I was too transfixed with fear at the giant lumbering green hulk that had showed up.

-something jolted me back into focus, and in panic I launched myself at him, scythes ready. He grabbed me when I got close enough though, in those big old claws of his, and basically crushed my skull. Since it was my dreamself I woke up unharmed but still in a big panic. 

-this jolted me to my next memory, fighting the Felt (they were a gross itchy fabric, living up to their felt name and reference to being pool table elements. It was rough and scratchy and I hated it.) I recall glancing over and seeing Jake being overwhelmed, but I couldn’t do anything about it, I was so distracted by the lucky one getting in my face and way. It was frustrating!

-I got pretty upset fighting that one damn leprechaun, frustrated and feeling so useless for being unable to fight him, which is what led to angry tears. But I eventually figured something out and got him under control, and when I saw the way he was looking at me I snapped at him to shove it bc I didn’t do that shit. My quadrants were already occupied anyways and I wasn’t looking for anything more. (*coughcoughDavecoughcough*)

-I have a brief memory of after the battles, when I met up with Dave again - I tried to play it cool, since our thing was weird, but he just beckoned me over and I threw my arms around him in a big hug again. I once again thought to myself that he was super fucking thin, before things just sorta petered off there.

-I paid more attention to details this time, partially bc I thought I was gonna have to talk to my mom about stuff this weekend so I wanted to be able to say I was able to pinpoint specific details. I had a good sense of visuals overall this time too.

Personally speaking I was a short and stout Karkat, my hair was messy and my sweater oversized by a considerable margin. Dave was tall and pretty thin as evidenced by my astute observation skills during the memory walk, african/mixed w a bleached poof of hair on top.  

-the memories started off with me entering the hold of my ship below deck, where Dolorosa was sitting, in a far corner of the space. She was dressed in rags and looked worse for the wear. I approached her, coated in violet blood, and I remember gently holding her and saying something along the lines of “I’m sorry he did this to you, he won’t be able to hurt you anymore.” 

I was of course referring to Dualscar, I’m not sure if I just chased him off and beat him up badly or if I straight up killed him. But I do know it was in response to his treatment of Rosa.

-A later memory was of Rosa and I above deck, I was standing staring out at the sea when she approached me, looking much better and also wearing better quality clothing than before (I kept seeing the standard dolorosa outfit but that might just be bc it’s hard to picture her in anything else rip). I remember thinking how gorgeous she looked and being so happy she was with me. 

-I tried hard to remember if I was using my mind control powers on her during these points in time, but I don’t think so? It didn’t feel like it. I do know I genuinely loved her and was happy with her at least, as opposed to the feelings of wanting an object my canon half seemed to have.

-from this next memory onward are when things took a twist into a downwards spiral. I was on land, and my boat was engulfed with flames. Someone was holding me back and I fought and struggled to get out of their grasp, because she was still on the boat. My Dolorosa. She hadn’t made it out. I was so distraught and screaming to be let go, to have someone save her, to hear her call out and tell me she was ok, something, anything. There was nothing. The fire burned regardless, and I have the feeling that Pyralspite and Redglare were just a ways away, looking on. It was their fault.

-Dolorosa had died in that fire. Someone had approached me after, when I was numb and exhausted, sitting somewhere nearby, empty. They told me she hadn’t made it, and I broke down. I’m not sure if they found her remains but I think they did.

-I was a wreck after that, broken from grief and loss. my actions driven by these emotions were... not good. I met the Summoner at some point in time, and used him to ease my loneliness. I manipulated him. I used him solely to distract myself from my heartbreak and pain. When I wasn’t using my mind powers on him to have my way with him, I feel like I used them to make him go along with whatever I wanted, or if he disliked something I wanted to do I’d shut him up. I feel like I still went along with his plans to create a rebellion, but I was not entirely enthusiastic or in agreement with all of it.

-My interactions with Redglare were not little ‘games’ from my viewpoint the way my canon self viewed them. Each run in was personal, it was a battle in a bigger war I’d sworn upon her. When we had our final encounter, where I’d forced others to hang her, never had I been more filled with heart-blackening fury and hate of the most platonic and acidic kind, I wanted her dead for what she had done. I wanted to make her pay.