#master matrix

Eleanor Camacho

This adorable baby is Ellie. She’s eight-ish years old (maybe nine or ten now? comic book time is weird) and currently Wade’s only canon child in main continuity. Her whole situation is a bit complicated, but Wade loves her more than anything in the world. And actually, she was a lowkey fan of Deadpool before she knew he was her dad. She loves her dad and she even goes behind her foster mom’s back to try to get him to visit, said foster mom being SHIELD Agent Emily Preston. Wade has forgotten she exists (again) to protect her (AGAIN) but she watches news reports about him and actually interfered with a killing mission he had in a theme park her class happened to have a field trip to.

She’s a baby Spideypool shipper too.

Ellie is Wade’s weak spot, and he only tells people about her if he trusts them. The ones that come to mind are people he likes, namely Shiklah, Spidey, and Rogue, as well as two kids further down on this list. Wolverine and Captain America know too, but because they were part of the mission where he found out about her. Super Soldier team-up.

Also, here’s her in the future. She’s a badass.

I love her so much.

Warda Wilson

(Full disclosure, I did minor editing on this panel because this is the one image of her full body without her mask and they gave her pupils that she has in no other panels and it bothered me so I fixed it)

Wade’s daughter in the 2099 future with his ex-wife, succubus and monster queen Shiklah, and she goes by Deadpool. She had a vendetta against Wade at first for supposedly betraying Shiklah and held him captive. But Ellie rescued him, they cleared things up, and they work together as a family, all three of them, plus brain-ghost Preston.

Deathpool

Exclusive to the video game Marvel Strike Force, but she’s so neat I had to include her. Literally born from “the power of love” between Deadpool and Death, she takes over her mom’s job but is a total daddy’s girl; he trained her to wield weapons and be a quippy little shit, and until he was snapped by Thanos because he’s got issues, she’d visit him on occasion.

(She doesn’t have a canon “normal” name, but I like the name Evita Wilson. It rearranges the letter of the word “vitae” which is Latin for “life” and y’know irony. Plus Evita is the name of both a musical and a Madonna album and you cannot tell me Wade wouldn’t love that)

Itsy Bitsy

Not a friendly, but biologically his daughter (and Spidey’s) from Evil Science Shenanigans. Formerly Susan Mary, a play on “Mary Sue”. She calls both of them “daddy” and even wears a Spiderpool emblem shirt. She’s pretty extreme. Bloodthirsty. Wade actually had to stop Spidey from killing her because Peter was so scared of her and someone was messing with his head. He cut Wade’s head off to try to keep him from interfering. It was kinda nuts. Wade ended up doing what he thought was killing her to keep Spidey’s hands clean. She’s not gone though...

Master Matrix

Another Spideypool kid, no shit. A good one too! And a rare boy on this list! A robot of some type discovered by Richard and Mary Parker, so already hitting home for Peter. After a short villainous confusion after waking from stasis, he was basically taken under Spider-Man’s and Deadpool’s wings and called them both “Father”. The arc is literally officially titled “My Two Dads”. They act like his parent and it’s just *chefs kiss* It’s a whole thing. MM gives off weird vibes, but all in all, he just wants to help. He’s a good boy!

He even gets them to hug!

He then proceeds to send them on a bonding road trip with just...so much Spideypool. That’s where the “Why are you holding my hand?” “It helps me focus.” comes from. And so much fourth-wall breaking and writer interference. Spidey even plays along with Wade’s fourth-wall-breaking shenanigans even though he doesn’t believe it. It’s the best.

Now we move to ones who aren’t his kids!

Gwendolyne Poole

Gwenpool and Deadpool weren’t chummy at first; she didn’t read his book and thought he was too “lol memes”. But they actually got to be pretty friendly. They’re buddies now.

He helped Gwen when she was having an existential crisis and is currently the caretaker of her pet Jeff the Land Shark who is the cutest thing and I love him. He even dresses as Gwen once to make Jeff happy it’s adorable.

I also think he rocks Gwen’s look. He looks great.

Ellie Phimister

Everyone knows about Negasonic Teenage Warhead from the movies where they have that affectionate deadpan snark between them. When they first met, Wade’s group had been contracted to kidnap her. She evaded everyone else, but when met with Deadpool who literally tried to talk her into being kidnapped, she had a vision where he said he wouldn’t leave her behind, and she literally just surrenders.

When Wade finds out what is happening to his targets, he goes in to save her. She has a particular loyalty to Wade and sticks by him pretty much no matter what, but she gradually settles into that deadpan sarcasm.

She takes his nonsense with a straight face and doesn’t tolerate his bullshit. Or at least snarks right back at him.

She’s also one of the few who for sure know about the other Ellie, Eleanor, and looks out for her.

Gabrielle Kinney

A little unexpected, but adorable! Gabby Kinney, also known as Scout or Honey Badger, which is amazing. She don’t give a FUCK. She’s a clone of Laura Kinney, aka X-23 and Wolverine, who is another clone daughter of Logan/James/OG Wolverine. She and Wade bonded over their scars and they’re besties now.

There aren’t a whole lot of instances of Wade and Gabby together, but every SINGLE one is absolute gold. They’re so fucking CUTE. Prepare for so many panels.

Have you seen anything more precious? Best friends.

Evan Sabahnur

Formerly Kid Apocalypse, also known as Genesis. Long story, but pretty much explained in the above page. Wade in particular was determined to save him, as killing him didn’t sit right for some reason, and he was certain that despite everything, Evan was a good kid. When shit went down and Evan didn’t think he could return to the Academy, Wade took him in. Like, brought him to the home he bought across the street from Eleanor and the Prestons.

Wade even says he’ll never have a son, (this is before MM, but it’s funny cuz biologically and multiversely, he does only have daughters) but if he did he’d like him to be like Evan, which is hilarious to me. But that kinda makes what Wade says super sweet.

He also saves Ellie.

Haruka Hida

From Deadpool Samurai, she goes by Sakura-Spider and is a blatant Peter Parker rip-off. Literally she lives with her Aunt Mei and her Uncle Tsutomu which the kanji can also be read as Ben. No shit. The only real difference is the spider bit her on her face and it scarred, hence the spots under her eye. BUT she’s Deadpool’s partner in Japan and she’s super cute. Typical manga protag girl but what can you expect?

(Legit buy them they’re super fun and it’s worth it especially if you like manga it’s so dumb and I love it please buy it)

Neiro Aratabi

Another Deadpool: Samurai character. As said above, she’s an idol in Japan. She’s bonded to an amnesiac symbiote she calls Kage (in case you aren’t up on Japanese, it’s pronounce like “kah-gay” and it means shadow). They like chocolate. She doesn’t get a lot of screen time, but she’s happy being part of the team. She’s content as long as people think she’s cute, for, of course, over-dramatic very anime reasons.

That is ELEVEN CHILDREN. And I’m a newb, this might not even be all of the kids he’s close to!

For comparison, Bruce Wayne has SIX kids (Dick, Jason, Cass, Tim, Duke, and Damian). He has a few other pseudo-kids, Barbara Gordon, Stephanie Brown, and maybe Helena Bertinelli and Maps Mizoguchi, but like...dude.