WHAT ABOUT ME? - MARTIN EDWARDS
pairing. martin x fem!reader genre. angst wordcount. 1.6k warnings. crying, miscommunication trope kinda not really, kissing, yelling..
riri’s notes. i poured my heart into this because i know how this feels, honestly i hope none of you guys feel this pain in any time of your life, love you all 🤍
( SYNOPSIS ) months of contained emotions and your boyfriend martin barely speaking to you leads to a night of admission of everything you both have felt.
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your apartment was too quiet.
that was the first thing you noticed, not the dishes sitting untouched in the sink, not the half-folded blanket on the couch, not even the framed picture of you and martin smiling together from a beach trip 4 months ago.
just the silence.
and somehow, that made it worse.
you stood in the doorway after coming back from work, your keys still hanging loosely from your fingers. martin sat at the dining table, scrolling through his phone. you looked at him, he looked at his phone.
“hi.”
“hey.”
that was it, just another conversation that died before it even started. you swallowed hard and set your bag down. “how was practice?”
“fine.”
“that’s good.”
“mhm.”
silence; again.
you hated silence, especially when it came from the person who used to tell you everything.
martin used to tell you about every little thing, the weird fan interaction he had, the joke juhoon made that had everyone crying from laughter, the random dream he had about owning a farm and six cows.
everything he could think of. now? absolutely nothing.
you didn’t know when the shift happened.
maybe when cortis got bigger, maybe when the schedules became impossible, maybe when exhaustion started eating away at both of you, maybe neither of you noticed the distance growing until it was already too wide to cross.
you walked into the kitchen and opened the fridge. “did you eat?”
“no."
“why?”
“wasn’t hungry.”
you shut the fridge door. “martin.”
“what?”
“can you actually talk to me?” he finally looked up. “i am talking.”
“no, you’re not.” his jaw clenched before he asked “what do you want me to say?”
“anything.” you laughed dryly, “tell me about your day.”
“it was practice.”
“okay…and?”
“and that’s it.”
you stared at him & martin stared back.
and something inside of you cracked, because it wasn’t just today.
it had been months, months of waiting, months of feeling lonely while being in a relationship, months of sitting beside him while feeling like you were miles away.
you set your bag down harder than you meant to. “do you even want to be here anymore?”
martin froze.“what?”
“with me.”
his eyes immediately rolled, “seriously?”
“i’m asking.”
“and i’m telling you that’s a stupid question.”
your eyes burned with tears “see? that’s exactly what i’m talking about.”
“what are you talking about?”
“you don’t listen."
martin pushed his chair back and stood. “because every conversation turns into this.”
“this?” you laughed. “you mean me trying to tell you i’m unhappy?”
“don’t do that.”
“do what?”
“make me the bad guy.”
you stared at him in disbelief and complete confusion, “you think that’s what i’m doing?”
“i think you’re acting like i’m some terrible boyfriend.”
“martin, i barely see you.”
“because i’m working.”
“i know that!”
your voice cracked, the tears came before you could stop them. “i know you’re working. i know you’re tired. i know your schedule sucks. i know all of that.”
another tear slipped down your cheek. martin’s expression softened slightly, but the ache in your chest was already getting bigger.
“but what about me?”
“what about me, martin?”
your voice broke completely; months of anger, confusion, loneliness lead up to this moment. “because i’m tired and i’m lonely too.” you laughed through tears, “hell, you come home and sit ten feet away from me.”
martin quickly answered, “that’s not fair.”
“it is fair.”
“it’s not.”
“then tell me why.”
he opened his mouth, closed it, opened it again.
nothing came out.
and somehow that hurt more than him saying anything.
because you needed him to say something, anything. you needed him to fight for this, for you, for the relationship. instead, there was only silence. your chest felt tigh, everything hurt.
“i don’t know what happened to us.” your words came out quietly.
martin immediately looked up, and for the first time all night, he looked scared. “don’t say that.”
“why?”
“because…” his voice cracked, and you froze immediately. martin rarely cried, but right now? his eyes were already glossy. “because i love you.”
you laughed with no emotion.
“then why does it feel like you don’t?”
the second those words left your mouth, he flinched. actually flinched, like you’d slapped him. immediately, you wished you could take them back, but it was too late.
martin took a step backward, his eyes filled with tears “you really think that?”
you couldn’t answer, because part of you didn’t, but the hurt part of you did.
his voice became quiet.
“after everything.”
“martin-“
“after all these months.”
“i didn’t mean-”
“after every performance.”
the look in his eyes absolutely destroyed you.
“every flight.” a tear slid down his cheek. “every night i stayed awake talking to you because i missed you. every single thing i’ve done to show you i love you.”
his voice broke some more, “you think i don’t?”
you started crying harder, because now he was crying too. and somehow that made everything worse.
“i didn’t mean it like that.”
“then how did you mean it?”
“i just miss you.”
the confession shattered between you.
“i miss you so much.” your knees felt weak, “i miss my best friend.”
martin looked away whileanother tear rolled down his face. “i miss her too.”
that hurt because he sounded just as broken, just as lonely, just as exhausted.
neither of you spoke, the apartment filled with the sound of crying. until finally, martin whispered, “i’m trying.” you looked up. his face was wet with tears, his shoulders were shaking. “i’m trying so hard.”
your heart shattered into pieces.
“i’m trying to be everything.”
“a good leader. a good person. a good member.” he covered his face. “and i don’t know how to do all of that and still be enough for you.”
the room fell silent.
because suddenly, you understood, not all of it, but enough. enough to see how tired he was, how much pressure sat on his shoulders every single day.
you took a shaky exhale, “why didn’t you tell me?”
“when?”
“whenever you need to.”
martin’s eyes met yours, “because every time i came home, you looked disappointed.” you froze, your heart beating a hundred times a minute.
“i didn’t want to add more to it.”
your tears doubled because you never knew.
you never knew he saw your sadness as disappointment, you never knew he thought he was failing you, you never knew he was hurting too, you just didn't know.
the distance between you suddenly felt so stupid & unreasonable. you both were just two people hurting. two people convinced the other didn’t understand, when really; neither of you were speaking.
“come here,” you whispered.
martin didn’t move an inch, you stepped closer.
“please.”
his lip trembled and that was all it took before he crossed the room in seconds. you collided into each other, arms wrapping tightly around one another, desperate, like you were both terrified the other might disappear.
martin buried his face in your neck. and then he broke like a dam, actual sobs shook his body, “i’m sorry.” his voice came out muffled, “i’m so fucking sorry y/n.”
you cried into his shoulder, also muffling your cries. “i’m sorry too baby.” his grip tightened, “i don’t want to lose you.” immediately, you shook your head. “you won’t.” “i thought you were leaving.” martin breathed.
your heart dropped straight to your stomach. “what?”
“when you asked if i wanted to be here," his voice cracked, “i thought you were breaking up with me.”
for a minute,
maybe you had been.
not intentionally.
and judging by the look in his eyes, he knew.
martin pulled away just enough to look at you.
both of you looked awful. you both sported red eyes, tear-stained cheeks, frizzy hair.
yet somehow you both never thought each other looked more beautiful. “i don’t know how to do life without you.” you started crying again, because neither did you.
martin had become part of everything.
your routines, your mornings, your nights, your future, your home, your best friend, your person. you lifted your hands and cupped his face. martin immediately leaned into your touch, like he needed it, like he needed you.
“you're an idiot martin.” a watery laugh escaped him. “m'sorry.” you both laughed through the tears.
and for the first time in months... it felt like him; your martin.
martin’s forehead rested against yours, his eyes closed, his breathing shaky & for a moment, neither of you spoke. you both simply stood there, holding each other, feeling each other’s heartbeat. feeling the warmth that had been missing for so long.
martin’s hand slid gently against your cheek. his brown eyes opened & looked at you. there was so much love in them that it nearly made you cry all over again.
“i love you y/n.”
his voice was barely above a whisper, and it sounded raw, exhausted, but loving.
you nodded immediately.
“i love you too tin’.”
his expression crumbled and before either of you could say anything else, he kissed you.
it felt like finding something you’d been searching for. martin’s lips trembled against yours, you could feel tear streaks on both your faces. but neither of you cared, because for the first time in months.. the distance was gone.
when you finally pulled apart, both of you were breathless. martin rested his forehead against yours and took a deep breath.
a small, tired smile appeared on his face as he whispered, “there you are.” your chest tightened. “yeah?”
his smile grew, “there’s my girl.”
and somehow, after all the yelling, the crying, the heartbreak, and the fear—that was the thing that finally made you cry again.
and maybe tomorrow would still be hard. maybe schedules would still suck. maybe arguments would still happen. but tonight, you remembered something important.
you were never supposed to fight each other.
you were supposed to fight for each other.
and as martin held you against his chest, kissing your forehead while both of you sniffled through the leftover tears, you knew one thing for certain.
you loved him and he loved you, that was enough.
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