2/23/17
The other day Wendy asked what my biggest fear with mike was. Itās not a long or complicated question and Iāve thought about it before; but it wasnāt easy for me to answer. When I got home after our session I considered it further since I figured itād be simple but it wasnāt. I forget what I said exactly but a lightbulb went off in my head and I typed into my notes so Id remember now. I canāt pinpoint what my number one fear is. But the other day I was with him and itās a feeling comparable to skydiving; takes my breath away but simultaneously nauseating. Iām scared to be vulnerable again because the last time I was my worst fears came true. He used my weaknesses against me. Iām the sort of person who loves and appreciates vulnerability; Iām a sucker for it. I think itās the most beautiful thing you can offer someone. I took a chance, I handed over this precious gift, my heart, to somebody and they threw it back in my face. He promised my heart was safe with him then stomped on it. He crushed it and told me I was heartless. I donāt want to ever take that chance again because itās too painful. My heart was ripped out of my chest and the seed has been planted once more. Mike has watered it and it is starting to grow, or the urge is there at least. Iām afraid Iāll lose control; over my feelings, my emotions, over anything if I let someone in. I donāt want to give anybody the power to hurt me or leave. Then I will look stupid and tell myself I should know better. The voice in my head says I told you so. Iām afraid of being seen because I show people the side of me I want them to see, roles I play. The acts I put on and mask I wear but donāt want to give him the opportunity to see my shadow since my lights not bright enough. Nobody could ever really love me. Jack said he did, maybe he convinced me for a second, and I wanted to believe him. I think mostly Iām scared of this happening all over again. I donāt trust myself and fear I wont have the strength to handle it if it does.














