#love avoidance

“What a lot of people don’t appear to understand is that the single easiest way to make friends is to show up when it matters — and the single easiest way to lose friends is to, well, not.”

Kinda had a breakthrough last night. Found out through the support group that the relationship I experienced was almost repeated by every single woman in that support group. I knew this was the case, but I never knew to what extent until a newbie showed up with a relationship almost identical to mine, even up to “not a dry eye for months,” and then the very odd closure bit. 

It was so similar, I actually burst out with “Dear god, what the fuck, that sounds exactly like my ex! Do they come from the same goddamn fucking factory? Christ!” She wanted to know more than I even thought to ask, and it answered a lot of my questions.

There are a few reasons why this happens--a lot of it has to do with the backgrounds of the two people in the relationship (emotional trauma, dysfunctional family, substance abuse, mental disorders, etc.) Addicts may seek the love of others to make up for the love they couldn’t attain during development (father, mother, etc.), and avoidants are notorious for pushing people away for their own protection, a defense mechanism. ACA (Adult Child of Alcoholics) often fall into this category.

So, this helped me sort out things in my head quite a bit and made me feel wholly relieved--so maybe it might answer a few questions for others too?

Love Avoidant/Addict Relationship Formula (for Disaster):

    1) Step One: The love avoidant enters into a relationship with the (potential) love addict. 

    2) Step Two: The love avoidant starts drawing away and withdraws leaving the (potential) love addict confused and hurt. 

    3) Step Three: The love avoidant boomerangs, drawn back to combat their own loneliness. This is the starting dose for the (potential) love addict, and they get hooked because they start falling in love with the potential of the relationship instead of the reality. Every single one of those women described it as a euphoria they’ve never experienced before (me af).

    4) Step Four: The love addict showers said love avoidant with love which is briefly reciprocated and this can last for a while (for me it lasted 4 months--this was an average). However, after a while, the love avoidant can no longer stand this pattern and starts finding the love addict tiresome. They start a blame game, citing a wide variety of sad bullshit issues (old girlfriends, boredom, “you’re like a sister to me,” etc.). 

    5) Step Five: The love avoidant suddenly withdraws/pushes away/ghosts the love addict, this time, for good. The love addict is devastated, hurt, and confused. They find it very difficult to let go because that high is gone and they’re terrified they’ll never get it again. If a pre-existing condition exists (such as OCD/Anxiety/Depression), then there might be a dopamine deficiency, so any mention, reminder, or even picture of that person may cause a dopamine increase, fueling the remaining embers of that high, making it even more difficult to let go. This can actually cause Complicated Grieving (CG).

   6) Step Six: The addict will try and fill a void they didn’t realize was there to begin with 1) rebounds 2) achievements 3) control (weight/regimens) 4) substances (alcohol/narcotics).

   7) Step 7 (Possible Ending): The love avoidant offers “friendship” or a meeting. They give significant mixed signals (”You’re the total package”; “You’re perfect”; “You did nothing wrong!”), which confuse the addict further because...why weren’t they enough for them then? It’s a control tactic and manipulative. It leads the addict on, but then cuts them at the knees. The love avoidant doesn’t want to be the bad guy. So, it just creates more hurt.

Examining our deepest fears of intimacy and wounding. I was never the fan of the show “FRIENDS” but reading about Matthew Perry’s untimely death this morning struck a deep, reflective chord in me. He passed away in a hot tub after battling for years with addiction and going in and out of rehab centers. He never married and never had any children, although he did have relationships with famous…