#lookinside

I HOLD THE ANSWER

I’m going to be quite frank in my statement that this last week has been spiritually, emotionally, and mentally exhausting for me.  I have also learned many lessons.  For one, I need to just trust myself.  I had been looking at a local shaman training for over a year.  I kept deciding not to attend for an array of reasons.  A month or so ago, I talked myself into going.  I started to feel some hesitation and apprehension about attending this workshop, but I went anyway.  The first day was wonderful and beautiful because we were at a park seated under the trees. I love trees, so that made me happy.  In retrospect, I realize that it was the trees that made me feel happy and wonderful, NOT the training!  If anything, the best part of this workshop was meeting those trees.

As the workshop progressed, it became more and more uncomfortable for me. I should have just honored my truth and left.  Instead, I stayed because I had paid for the workshop, so I wanted to complete it.  When the workshop was over, I bolted out of there as quickly as possible.  I felt spiritually, emotionally, and mentally drained. I ended up going home and just crying.  I couldn’t believe that an event that I thought would be so beneficial to my spiritual growth actually had quite the opposite effect!  It’s almost a week later and I am still recuperating from that experience.

Today, I spoke to my mentor. This was my first opportunity to tell her about what happened at this training.  She told me that she felt like my energy was being ciphened at the training which is why I am experiencing such fatigue and sadness now.  She also felt like the workshop was  a test for me in many ways.  She thought I was being tested in speaking my truth in multiple ways.  For one, she felt I should have honored my feelings and left when the drama began with a classmate.  She also felt that I should have spoken my truth about not feeling comfortable allowing others to touch me.  The continual touching is how my energy was drained out of me and whatever else was transferred onto me.  I agree with her.  This was definitely a huge learning experience.

Another thing that I learned after the training workshop and after speaking to my mentor is that I just need to just trust myself.  I constantly find myself seeking out teachers who end up telling me things I already know.  I mean I think it’s great to keep seeking knowledge, but to expect another person to provide me with the key to my success and happiness is not going to happen. I must continue to look within myself to find the answers that I need.  Yes, other people may be able to provide me with a little piece of the puzzle here and there, but ultimately, I’m the one who has to put the puzzle together.  

I have watched the sun rise and fall for 3 consecutive days. Im struggling and I hope this hasnt gone off the rails just yet. I really gotta dig deep inside of myself because Im starting to realize that Ive been a chameleon since my teens so I never really figured out who I was as a person. My life seems to be a constant cycle of destruction to those around me and myself.. Usually by my own doing..