#line five

[podcast music]

[King Falls AM music]

B: You’re off the charts excited, Sammy. Are you sure this isn’t about Christmas vacation?

S: Not at all, I've just finally got something big to bring to the table spooky stuff wise, and I cannot wait-

B: You are glowing, man, I can’t wait to hear this.

S: Good evening, ladies and gents, and welcome to King Falls AM, that’s 660 on the AM dial. And this is our last show of the year, our last show before our big Christmas break, as Ben mentioned.

B: Lets not say big, it’s just a break, but we’ll be right back here literally on New Years Day. Thanks, Merv. But we’ve got a hell of a show for you.

S: Okay, can I just get a few minutes off the top to talk about today’s discovery?

B: I was literally just saying the floor is yours, Sammy.

S: Okay, alright, so you know sometimes I'm a little bit, uh, skeptical, when it comes to-

B: Literally everything, you are skeptical of every phenomenon that has crossed our paths.

S: I wouldn’t say every.

B: Oh, I would. Do you wanna recap? There was the alien abduction, the-

S: *laughing* No, no, no, I think you know your stuff, so, you should know that I'm very excited to bring my own bit of King Falls lore to the table tonight.

B: Before you press on, are you sure this is a good idea?

S: What do you mean?

B: I'm not trying to be, argumentative here, but the last time you brought in a find of your own like this, you brought Howard Ford Beauregard the Third into our lives.

S: That was a mistake, and we have talked about that.

B: I know, I'm just saying. Be super sure about this one, huh?

S: This is nothing like HFB3.

B: Then please continue, my friend.

S: So, I was out doing a little bit of shopping earlier today at the King Falls mall-

B: Was it crazy crowded? I still have to pick up something special for. My mom.

S: It was crowded, not Black Friday crowded, but nicely, darkly, opaque Tuesday, if you will.

B: Okay, cool.

S: We all know that gift is not for your mom, by the way.

B: Whatever.

S: So. I'm at the mall, I make my purchases, but I'm all worked up, I got an appetite, and I'm not gonna wait in line at the eatery with the Christmas people, you know? So I'm thinking, why not go the three minutes away to Frickard’s?

B: Traitor. But, I get it.

S: So I make the drive over to my favorite froggery, a number 5 fricassee with extra frog puppies-

B: You actually eat the frogs there, man? I heard they poach them directly from lake Hatchineha.

S: Don’t say that, they are a fine sponsor of the show.

B: Facts are facts.

S: Okay, so I get there and pulling up, right beside me, is this beautiful candy apple red corvette. It was a beauty, let me tell you, early 1960s, but the closer I look, the weirder it gets. It’s got bells, like sleigh bells, all over this thing-

B: Lets, uh, move on, Sammy.

S: So I look over at the driver, this bigger older gent steps out of the car, red suit, red tie, massive white beard.

B: Sammy, I think we should-

S: Tiny little glasses, rosy red cheeks, and the friendliest damn face I've ever seen. He introduced himself as Chris.

B: So you run into a mall Santa running late for work?

S: Oh, this was no mall Santa, Ben, this was the Santa. We made chit chat, and there was only one available table, so with it just being myself and him we took it-

B: You had lunch with a mall Santa.

S: Ben! He knew my name, without me saying it!

B: You’re a radio sensation, Sammy, lots of people know your name.

S: Do they know my childhood address? What I got for Christmas when I was six? I don’t think so.

B: Oh, jeez, you’ve got a Santa stalker, buddy. Either that, or Creepy Carl got released on bail. Moving forward-

S: He knew all this stuff, Ben. My wants, my likes, good things and bad things. Y'know I'm pretty protective of my personal life, Ben.

B: Yeah, I do, Shotgun.

S: This was Santa Claus, real as day, right here in King Falls. Not only that, but he told me that he actually vacations here part of the year! Think about that, the big guy hanging out here! Dude, why are you looking at me like this?

B: Do you know how many older gentleman in the world dress up as Santa Claus, Sammy? A lot. It’s a job for some folks. Some of them go to hospitals. It’s a big deal for some folks. This was one of those guys, just pulling your chain, Sammy. Santa living here part time is, *scoffs*, I doubt very, very seriously that this guy you met-

S: It was him. I don’t understand why you’re so hell bent on dismissing this. If a caller called in with this story, you’d be on a mission.

B: I'm not hell bent on dismissing you, I'm just looking at this from all angles, how about that?

S: Are you saying King Falls isn’t good enough for a Santa vacation home? A second house?

B: Not at all. That’s ludicrous….did he tell you I said that?

S: Ah ha! So you know I'm right.

B: No, Santa, I mean, mall dude Santas are tricky, I don’t trust them. Look at this wedge he’s driving, man.

S: You know something about this.

B: You want me to tell you what I know?

S: I do!

B: Here’s the scoop. I know you met some guy. I know he’s not Santa, because Santa would not go to Greg Frickard’s place to eat. I know-

S: You’re full of it.

B: You wanna put this to the callers? We can poll this thing out.

S: I think I do, Ben, this guy knew what I got for Christmas years ago. He knew about Wolfington the terrier, which I got for Christmas, as a kid, he knew it all.

B: Okay, King Falls, do you think Sammy met the real Santa Claus earlier today? Think about this, and give us a call. 424-279-3858.

S: You are on, buddy. I'm not gonna be the only person here-

B: Operation King Falls Kringle!

*banjo music*

Randy: Howdy y’all, it’s Randy Mcmullet from Mcmullet’s international palace of snake skin boots. And I'm  here to let you know we’ve got some rattlin’ news for you. After this sensational success of black mamba Friday, it’s time to roll out our next deal of the year. This weekend it’s our annual secret Santa albino snake skin special. We’ll have all our whitesnake choices at our unbeatable dark snake prices. So slither on down, just outside of town, at the corner of route 72 and Old Bombing Range Road. Mcmullet’s International Palace of Snake Skin Boots. Where we fill your boots, with savings.

[King Falls AM music]

S: What the hell was that about?

B: It’s about saving money on boots, man.

S: No, whatever you yelled, right before the commercial.

B: I don’t know what you’re talking about, I sneezed.

S: I'm watching you.

B: Watch away, Sammy. Pick a line they’re all lit up! Like Christmas!

S: You’re way too smug, I don’t like this. Lucky. Line. One.

B: An excellent choice.

S: Good evening, you’re on with Sammy and Ben.

Cynthia: First off, Sammy, obviously you’re off your rocker. Santa lives in the north pole!

S: Hi Cynthia.

C: Secondly, are you for real shopping at the King Falls mall? Do you have a death wish?

B: What are you on about, Mrs. Higgenbaum?

S: It honestly wasn’t that busy.

C: I'm not talking about crowds! I'm talking about the gang of vampires that live in the mall. Just waiting for the perfect time to strike.

B: What?

C: Of course you wouldn’t know, Ben.

B: I'm pretty up to date on my-

C: Obviously you are not, or you’d know about the gang of vampires that live in the mall.

S: Cynthia, thanks for calling tonight, even if you are dead wrong about Santa. Now, would you like to expand about this, uh, the-

C: Gang of vampires.

S: Right.

B: How do you know they’re vampires, Cynthia?

C: Pale much? Check. Dark clothes? Check. Never ever out in the light of day? Check!

Ben and Sammy overlapping: Talking about hot topic, aren’t you?

C: They just glare at you, soulessly, when you walk in! Eyeing you up and down, probably looking for a good vein.

S: Or a neck tattoo.

C: This is not to be made light of, Sammy, you’ll see.

B: They’re just goth kids, Mrs. Higgenbaum.

C: Oh please! Like you know! Let the record state that when King Falls is overran in a lost boys type fashion by these emo vampires, that I tried to warn you. And you just laughed!

S: What do you recommend, Cynthia, should we stock up on garlic and stakes?

B: I think just knowing our parents loved us enough should do the trick.

C: Laugh it up, you dumbs. You know I hate telling I told you so, but I will tell your ass I told you so so fast! Merry Christmas!

*hang up noise*

B: So, we’ll count that as a no. Oh and one, Sammy.

S: Line five, welcome to King Falls AM.

Finn: Hey Sammy, hey Ben!

S: Hey Finn, long time no talk buddy! You doing alright?

F: Oh yeah, never better. Just had to get a couple of shots, y’know?

B: That’s good to hear, Finn. What’s your take on this?

F: Oh, I was actually just phoning ‘cause I wanted to tell you fellas Merry Christmas before it was too late.

B: Merry Christmas to you too, Finn. Stay safe out there on the roads.

F: You know it.

S: Thanks for calling in, Finn, and y’know we’re glad that you’re feeling better. We were pretty worried about you.

F: Aww, you fellas! Howl at the moon one little time and you guys get all worried.

S: It was more than once, Finn.

F: You know what I'm saying. It’s not like I'm going to sleep and waking up naked in a field somewhere with chicken feathers and god knows what all over me...on the regular.

S: That...is...uh. Good to hear, Finn.

F: Just every now and then, y’know?

B: Okay. You, you take care of yourself. Happy holidays.

F: You know it!

*hang up noise*

B: That was another-

S: Don’t count that. Finn didn’t comment on it either way.

B: I’ll mark it as “Switzerland”. Another call?

S: You bet your ass another call. You pick a line.

B: Uhhh, line three, good evening and welcome to-

Hershel Baumgardner: You goofy sons of b**** hung up on me last time I called! When I get my dick beaters on you, there’ll be hell to pay!

B: Uh, we must have been having phone difficulties, Hershel, we would never...did you call during the electrolocaust?

HB: I called two damn weeks ago Ben Arnold, don’t you electric holocaust me. You gotta wake up pretty damn early in the morning to scoot one past Hershel F. Baumgardner.

S: Hershel, we are so sorry the phones were malfunctioning last time you called. Are you on tonight to talk about Santa's appearance and possible living in King Falls?

HB: Santa who? Santa Livingston? I haven’t heard from that son of a b*** since the beaches of Normandy.

S: Santa Claus, Hershel.

Hb: No! I ain't here to talk about no Santy Claus. You two need to grow the f**** up.

B: What’s on your mind, Hershel?

HB: Don’t rush me, you two toned pecker sniff. I’ll get to it when I get to it.

S: Hershel, do you think-

HB: Motherf****. I had it before you opened your damn trap. I’ll ring you later when I can think of it, and you better not hang up on me again.

S: You do that, Hershel, if we don’t hear back from you before then, have a Merry Christmas.

HB: You two going somewheres?

B: It’s our Christmas break, but we’ll be back live on New Year’s Day.

HB: You know what my generation called breaks?

S: They weren’t just breaks?

HB: We called it being f***ing dead, ‘cause that’s the only break you get in life, you free loadin’ radio commies. Enjoy your break, and vacay or whatever you pansy bastards call it.

B: Happy holidays to you too, Hershel.

HB: I didn’t kill Hitler to say happy f***ing holidays…*trails off, mumbling*

*hang up noise*

S: Ladies and gentleman, Ben and I are talking about the appearance of Santa here in King Falls earlier today. I was told from the jolly one himself that he enjoys staying in the Falls quite a bit when he isn’t in the busy season. Ben says otherwise.

B: Have you or anyone you know ran into this phoney Santa saying he’s squating here? If you have, give us as call *cough*OperationKingFallsKringle*cough*

S: I knew you were up to something!

B: Please, you’re paranoid because you’re losing. Line two, this is King Falls AM.

Troy: Hey fellas, Merry Christmas! Or Happy Hanukkah, if that’s the way your dreidel spins, or have a good Kwanzaa, etc and so on.

S: Merry Christmas, Troy.

B: Are you not supposed to call us on duty?

T: I'm on break, Ben, dammit all. Don’t start. I'm calling to tell you something important.

B: This again? You’re a broken record. Bye, Troy.

S: Don’t. Let him speak.

B: *scoffs* Whatever.

T: Thanks, Sammy. And right off the bat, I wanna tell you I believe you saw what you say you saw.

B: Troy! Come on! You know the drill!

T: I'm not saying he was or he wasn’t. I'm just saying if you saw him, I believe you. Maybe a man just wants to lay low, far away from the spotlight. I mean, King Falls is a heck of a town to retire to.

S: Mark that down, Ben.

B: He’s only saying it just to spite me.

T: That ain’t close to true, and you know it Ben Arnold. Now if you’ll permit me, I've got a gift for you.

B: If this is your friendship, I hope you kept the receipt.

T: It’s actually not that. Though it’s ripe for the picking whenever you want it, Ben.

B: Don’t hold your breath.

S: Come on. Do you wanna bring it by the station Troy?

B: Don’t.

T: Well, the problem is that I bought it online and I'm, I'm having it shipped here, and well...seems it's going to be a little late.

B: Of course it is. You can’t even get a Christmas present right, try. Just give it up.

T: We were best buds growing up. I ain't giving up on that. Or you. I mean, you’ll see. You and me we’ll be back where we started just as sure you can say pickled pied piper.

B: Next caller.

T: That’ll work too. Well, I’ll quit yacking and make like a shepherd and get the flock out of here.

S: Take care, Troy. Merry Christmas to you and yours, buddy.

B: Bye already.

T: Catch you later, future buddy.

*hang up noise*

B: We have time for one or two more before break, you wanna keep going or give it up?

S: By my count, we’re tied.

B: Glutton for punishment. Call it.

S: I'm gonna go back to lucky line one. Happy holidays, you’re on King Falls AM.

??: Hey man, I wanna talk about this Kris Kringle business.

S: We’re all ears, sir. Have you seen him around town, or am I just being fooled by a facetious Saint Nick?

??: The way I see it, uh-

B: Hey, who are we speaking with?

??: That don’t matter none.

B: Right. Uh, what were you saying, sir?

??: I just think that a man wants to lie low in a place where he’s not gonna get bothered, or pestered, or recognized, then good for him. Maybe life got too stressful, or he didn’t wanna buy a caddy for everyone he met. Hell, maybe he followed the love of his life to this small podunk crazy haunted town. Maybe it’s because he found out that Rose makes the best peanut butter banana sandwich you ever laid eyes on.

S: Are we still talking about Santa Claus, sir?

??: Of course.

S: Okay. It just seemed like maybe we were talking about somebody else for a second. Like yourself.

??: Don’t be cruel, Sammy. I'm just a teddy bear. A teddy bear with nothing to hide. I say if old Saint Nick wants to hang out in this spooky place then so be it. We can’t have *singing* suspicious minds *back to normal voice* about it. Just let it be.

B: Sir, I, I don’t wanna make this about you, but you sound a lot like the king of rock, and, I-

??: Yeah, little less conversation, Ben.

*hang up noise*

S: I'm just gonna say that I think that guy knows what he’s talking about, Ben.

B: Still doesn’t mean anything.

S: Why are you fighting me so hard on this, Ben?

B: Okay, I'm not saying you’re right-

S: But I'm right.

B: But, but! If somebody as important as Santa Claus were to have a vacation home or hide away spot in King Falls, and he doesn’t!

S: And he does.

B: But...maybe it’s for a reason. Like a specific reason. Like, maybe he doesn’t wanna be bothered with a bag of mail every day. An email address overflowing with wants and needs. Non-union worker issues. Maybe the wife wants a place to escape the hustle and bustle of the great white north a few times a year without TMZ knocking on the door. If that were the case, and I, I don’t think it would be fair to call attention to it.

S: If that were the case.

B: Right. If that were the case. Now, I do not think that’s the case at all, I mean this is a case of mistaken identity. Or maybe you were tricked by a chubby, merrier than thou prankster who is just too friendly to not keep the appearances. But. I don’t think you really saw the real deal here. And he certainly wouldn’t live in King Falls for a few weeks every year if you did see him.

S: Huh. Maybe...maybe I was mistaken?

B: It could have been anybody.

S: I think you’re onto something, Ben. I think I was, uh. Huh. I think was misled.

B: Maybe so.

S: Oh, well. Okay then.

B: We good?

S: Yeah, I think we’re good. Uh. So I hear we got a hell of a show lined up for tonight, is that right?

B: Ha! Better believe it, buddy. Right after the break,- *ho, ho, ho!*

S: Sorry about that folks, somebody must owe Chet some money. Ladies and gentlemen, thanks for hanging out with us on this chilly winter’s night. We’re just getting started here, but we’re gonna take a quick break to pay some bills. If we don’t hear from you before then, Merry Christmas to you and yours from King Falls AM.

Sammy:

Welcome back, everyone. The time is 4:44 AM here at King Falls AM. Ben:

It’s a slow night. You wanna do…weather and traffic? Sammy:

It’s warmin up…If there’s traffic at this ungodly hour, we got problems Ben:

[chuckles]Got that right, Sammy. But before we go back to the phones in a sec, I’ve got an email I’d like to read you. I think you’ll get a kick out of this. Sammy:

Oh! Well, very cool. Whatcha got? Ben:

So, you know I wrote the producers of Mission Apparition, right? Sammy:

No… what’re you talking about? Ben:

Yes you do. It’s that brain tumor of a show on channel 13? Sammy:

I know the show, Ben! I’m saying I didn’t know you wrote them. Ben:

Dude, you’re gonna love it. I emailed trying to get them booked as guests so we could tear them apart. Sammy:

Well, I mean, they did keep the lights on a few weeks back running an ad, of course. So, please don’t tell me you got confrontational? Ben:

If telling the truth about their staged show counts as confrontational, then…I totally did. Sammy:

Okay, so you accost a paid sponsor of King Falls AM, continue…

Ben:

Alright, let me read this to you. “Dear Sammy,” sorry you left your station email up. Sammy:

Uh-huh. Ben:

“We at Mission Apparition are extremely sorry you feel the show is overly produced and not true to the nature of actual distressed spirits. In actuality, Dan and Larry are two of the most highly trained professionals in this field. While we appreciate constructive criticism, name calling just isn’t needed. If you have any real suggestions to make the show better, please let us know.” Sammy:

Ben. What did you call them? Ben:

Doesn’t matter. What does matter is that I wrote them back and they’re going to be shooting a future episode of the show in King Falls. Sammy:

No way! Ben:

I said we have many fine spectral establishments here. The gauntlet was thrown down and they took the bait. Sammy:

As much as I hate to say this, you’re gonna get to see the Mission Apparition guys in a real situation at least. Ben:

Oh yeah. I’m not sure which to offer up: the old Slaughterhouse off Cottontail Hollow or the library. Sammy:

I’m not gonna make a you’re trying to impress Emily comment here, I know that place is full of activity. Ben:

Exactly.

Sammy:

BUT…. You are trying to impress Emily. Ben:

Whatevs. Okay, okay, get this though! After I told them I was co-host of a late-night AM talk show, they asked if I wanted to come on set so I could get an interview live. Sammy:

Well, book it! Make it happen! Ben:

Done and done. Sammy:

But please stop using my email. Ben:

No promises. Sammy:

Alright folks, after that exciting announcement, we’re gonna open up the phone lines to you, our dear listeners. And, uh, Ben? You got a topic? Ben:

I absolutely do, but you can’t have it until a touch after the 5 o’clock hour, Sammy. Sammy:

You heard the man, ladies and gents. It’s a bonafide free for all for the next ten minutes or so.  Give us a call 424-279-3858. Ben:

Or hit us up on twitter @kingfallsam Sammy:

Lucky Line 1, you’re live with Sammy and Ben. Mr.X:

Uh, yeah… [heavy breathing]  Did you check the mail? Sammy:

Maybe once or twice in my lifetime, uh, do you have a topic? Or is this Ted Kaczynski calling from prison? Mr.X:

Uh….you’ll have a topic soon…[hangs up] Ben:

You know I should go take a look in our mail slot now, right? Sammy:

Don’t Ben:

It’s a verbal triple dog dare. I’ll be right back. Sammy:

[sigh] One day, it’s gonna be a head… I just know it. Line 5 welcome to King Falls AM. Mr.Thompson:

Oh, I got through! Sammy?! I – I need to speak with you in private. Please! Sammy:

I’m gonna be a little bit sir. We just came back from break. But I’m happy to talk about whatever. Mr.Thompson:

We really can’t talk about this on the air. It’s about…I really don’t wanna say much. I sent you a text message about…oh…a month or so back? We need to speak. It’s incredibly urgent! Mr.Thompson:

Sir I get a lot of texts over the course of a month. Mr.Thompson:

Well, we can’t talk about this on the air. Sammy:

Who am I speaking with? Ben:

We got mail, Sammy! Mr.Thompson:

I turned the power back on…

Ben:

Mr. Thompson? Mr. Thompson:

Err.. no! [hangs up] Sammy:

Hello? Sir? Ben:

What was that about? I swear that dude sounded just like my old science professor. Sammy:

Can you  get a number on line 5, Ben? Ben:

Uh, yeah, yeah, in a minute. Look at this! Sammy:

[laughs] Is that a cassette tape? Ben:

Yeah, no letter - just a tape. It’s labeled “D.D.” We should play this. Sammy:

I hope it’s Duran Duran. Ben:

I’ll just stick this in…here. Sammy:

Uh, do you think we should listen to this first? I know you got a trigger finger on the gun, but… Ben:

You’re looking at the fastest finger in the tri-state. Sammy:

You know, there’s a dirty joke there that, for our friendship, I’m just gonna cruise right on past. Ben:

Where’s the play button on this hunk of junk? Merv, why do we have a cassette player in the studio? It’s 2015. Sammy:

I think you know why. Ben:

I’m excited! Sammy:

You better be payin attention. I don’t want to hear one – Lance:

[Australian accent]This is Lance McCord checking in. I’m about 5 kilometers off the Stealth Ridge Trail now. It’s heavily wooded and getting thicker. Sammy:

Do you know this guy “Lance”? Ben:

Never heard of him. But if the “R” word was politically correct for broadcast, I’d probably be use it for him right now. That trail is like the boonies within the boonies. Lance: So far so good. I was- I was a bit worried with all the tall tales surrounding the ‘Devil’s Doorstep’ I guess that’s why I’m talking to you and tracing my steps. Nothing stranger or out of the ordinary. I have noticed the lack of wildlife and birds to be this far in the bush. Ben:

[stops tape] … There is no way. Sammy:

The Devil’s Doorstep? Ben:

Definitely the R word or has a death wish. Or both! Sammy:

Where is this place? Ben:

It’s north of King Falls. It’s a dark ass set of woods. Obviously, this guy isn’t from around here because he’d know you don’t even talk about it, much less go there.

Sammy:

Ominous… Ben:

AND we don’t joke about it. Sammy:

It sounds so inviting, The Devil’s Doorstep. What kind of Welcome mat do you think the Dark Lord picks out? Do you think he has a “NO SOLICITING” sign? Ben:

Stop it. I know you laugh about stuff like this, but…don’t. Lance:

Right, about 30 minutes from my last check in. My mobile has lost signal. Looks like it’s just you and me, pal. I lost a little of time I’ve been turned around a few minutes back. All the paths are starting to look really similar, so, it’s hard to…Still no wildlife. I don’t know if any men or women have ever stepped where I’m stepping. I kind of like that.

[singing in background] Sammy:

Did you hear something there? Ben:

NOPE. NO SINGING. Sammy:

I didn’t say singing. I said something. Ben:

I didn’t hear anything. Lance:

It’s getting colder our and darker. That and my mind is playing the tiniest of tricks on me. Voices, singing, whispers. It’s – it’s head games. Nothing’s gonna stop me from making it to the gate. Ben:

I think that’s enough.

Sammy:

Ben, honestly. Gate? I’m not following here. You’re the expert: what’s he looking for? Or… why’s he even looking for it? Ben:

Commercial time. Let’s do this… [ad]

Hector:

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Ben:

He friggin hears it too

Sammy:

And welcome back to King Falls AM that’s 660 on the radio dial. We’ve just been listening to a tape we received anonymously. Apparently, there’s a hiker out adventuring in – Ben:

Line 8 – you’re live. Finn:

Oh boy! Things are getting tense on that tape! Ben:

Forget the tape! How- how’re you doing, Finn? Is everything still intact? Finn:

Doin’ swell, just well! [scratches skin] Ben:

You okay there, Finn? Finn:

Oh sorry! Wasn’t sure if you picked that up. I’ve just been scratchin something awful the past couple weeks. I got in some poison oak, or something – I don’t know! Sammy:

Glad to hear you’re doing well, after… Finn: [growls] Ben:

…. You got a travel buddy with you tonight, Finn? Finn:

Nah, nah – just got cut off going down the highway, here. Lousy drivers…we got three other lane you know! Ah! Look at the food billboards!

Sammy:

Um, what’s on your mind tonight buddy? Finn:

Just callin in to say hi… that sorta thing. Plus, this story? Wowee, who is this guy? Have you talked about this place before? I don’t think I heard you mention it. Uh, I think… Ben:

Because we don’t. Finn:

Spoooooky stuff, fellas. Sammy:

Yeah… I don’t know if you – Finn:

[howls] Ben:

Uh, I’m sorry. You gotta keep your pup quiet. Finn:

What? No doggy here. Just you two fellas, me… rolling down the road. Sammy:

You don’t have a dog with you, Finn? Finn:

Couldn’t if I wanted to. I’m allergic. [scratching] Ben:

Are… are you feeling okay? Did you ever get checked out after that night you hit that…weredog? Finn:

What? I wouldn't lay hands on a pooch! Are you feelin’ alright, Ben? Sammy:

He’s talkin about the dog you accidentally hit a while back. You got out to check on it and the call dropped off?

Finn:

Uh…. No, wasn’t me. I think I’d remember somethin’ like that [horns honking in background] Dammit all, I gotta go, boys. Can’t scratch, talk, and drive all at the same time. Finish that tape, it’s givin me the willies! Ben:

Stay awake and stay safe, Finn. Make a doctor’s appointment, maybe…. Sammy:

Or a vet… Finn:

hah, you two. Catch you later. [howls] [hangs up]

Sammy:

Now Ben, you know I love what you do on the show. I wouldn’t wanna do this with anybody else….but, I’ve got a tiny issue with you cutting to unscheduled breaks during conversations. Ben:

Do that happen? I’m so sorry, I just… I’m so interested in – Sammy:

Doing anything but playing that tape. Got us all interested now, man. You gotta follow through. Ben:

Okay – it was fun, but I think we should just forget about it. Sammy:

Impossible. Ben:

S-sit down, don’t – Lance:

There’s no doubt that there’s something keeping me away from the gate at this point. My watch has just stopped working so I don’t know what time it is. I can’t really see the sun from the thicket, it’s hard to tell. I checked my compass to ensure I was… WHAT THE -[singing] Eerie voice:

TURN. BACK. NOW.

Lance:

My fu[sensor] compass is literally spinning like a top! There’s EVIL in these woods! You can feel it in the air! It’s palpable! Sammy:

Ben! Don’t be mad! Ben:

You shouldn’t be playing this! This isn’t a joke, man! This is a tape that probably needs to go to the proper authority! I’m gonna google Missing Persons Sammy:

Look, I’m not against that. But let’s finish this up, and at the very least talk to me. Tell us a little bit about the woods. Ben:

If- if I tell you, will you stop playing the damn tape? Sammy:

Absolutely. Help fill these last minutes until your actual topic of discussion arrives. Ben:

[sighs]The path Lance is on is called Stealth Ridge. It’s about a five mile round trip hike up north in Perdition Wood. Sammy:

You guys really know how to name things here. Ben:

Supposedly, as in, legend-has-it kind of talk, way off the beaten path – I mean way off, as in nobody’s ever seen it – is what he’s looking for. A cave called The Devil’s Doorstep

Sammy:

Uh-huh. Ben:

Put two and two together here, Sammy! It’s an entrance to the gates of hell! Many people went out looking for it, none have ever found it. Some never return.

Sammy:

Have you been up there, Ben? Ben:

Once… Sammy:

And?! Ben:

Are you serious?! Hell no, I haven’t been! I’m not crazy like Crocodile Dundee on that tape. Sammy:

I mean, he’s gotta be okay, right? The tape made it here! It could’ve been him who dropped it off in our mail and called tonight, right? Ben:

This was fun for a minute, now it’s just massively creepy, let’s move – [tape starts] SAMMY! Sammy:

Dude, you’re looking at me! I didn’t push the button! Lance:

It is so cold. I’ve descended a great deal from the initial crest of the ridge it seems. I saw what appeared to be – Eerie Voice:

LAST. WARNING. MORTAL Ben:

TURN IT OFF!   Lance:

WHAT THE FU[sensor] IS THAT?!

Sammy: Good Job!

Ben:

Alright it won’t stop. Unplug it! I’m not kidding! Sammy:

It is unplugged! [scream from tape] Lance:

It’s after me! [singing in background] I – I don’t know what that was. I went in to look at this cove, here. I think I’m just gonna wait it out until morning. I’m wet, cold – I caught my jacket in the bush. I’m bleeding, Jesus. My- my phone is missing. God dammit. It really is just you and – Eerie Voice:

ME!!!!! Lance:

No! Help me!! [screaming] [singing]