#lifetherapy

That said, it is fair to say that around the late 20’s this can be focussed in specific areas of life, and in specific ways.

It is fair to say that the vast majority of my patients and clients are in their late 20’s, and while each person comes with a unique set of needs and challenges, there appears to be a general commonality amongst them. At some levels it is always a question of relating and adapting, but I’d like to expand that out for a moment to share a little more context.

Of course, this will always depend on the individual, and there is no right or wrong way about it because we are all different, but this can show up at a biological level as a desire to settle into a relationship and have children. This is common between the ages of 25 and 35. In my experience this drive appears to start to peak in women who have not yet had children around the age of 28, but this is not exclusive. Men can also feel this drive too. When either sex feels this and does not have a mate then this can become an issue. The stronger the instinct, the stronger the issue too.

For men, traditionally, the period toward the end of the 20’s can show up with questions as to what they are doing with their life, what effect are they having on the world. Are they making a mark?

Biologically, for those without children at a similar age to their partners, they might be contending with the instinctive pressures that their partners are feeling to have children too. One’s sense of responsibility can shift away from oneself as an individual and towards the prospect of becoming a potential family. That is rarely a small step in anyones life. For those who feel uncertain or unconfident about taking it, then this can be a common source of pressure.

For those who are single, or in relationships where the prospect of having children is not a consideration, then the question of ‘What am I doing with my life?’ can still be present.

For both sexes there appears to be a period around the end of their 20’s when they take stock of the direction of their lives and question what their purpose is – or if the path they are on is actually the right one.

If there is difficulty during this period for either sex I would say that it rests here, or at least in this general area. 

Is the life you are currently living fulfilling you in all of the ways it could? 

Are you living true to your potential or not?

Do you feel like you are on the right path or do you need to change tack?

In conclusion then perhaps the hardest part of one’s late 20’s is working that bit out. What is the right path for you? What will ultimately be the best option for you?

Once this is resolved then individuals generally either recommit to the path they are on or change tack completely. 

The hardest part of one’s late 20’s then is perhaps getting to the place where you have made the right choice and can commit to it fully. 

. . . . .

1. An Increase in Ego Strength.

Your ability to feel your emotions without feeling toppled by them is a good sign. Ego strength is not about the sense of what or who you think you are – that is more the concept of yourself, or you ‘self concept’. 

The ego is the sense of being that you have. The ‘I am’ that is having the experience. 

Having a strong ego essentially translates to being able to meet the experience of life as it is. Emotions are generally the signals of instinctual drives. Learning how to read them as signals more accurately, and to our advantage, is generally a step in a healthy direction. It is often when we misread these cues that we end up maladapting to the world, to other people, and to ourselves. 

2. Things Can Get Worse Before They Get Better

It’s an odd one this, but, especially near the beginning of a therapeutic relationship things can sometimes feel like they are getting worse. Strangely this can be a good sign. Of course, the period that it lasts for needs to be taken into account, but generally speaking, for a certain period it is not uncommon, and no bad thing.

Sometimes, old patterns of behaviour, established in the past – e.g. the result of the patient being forced to make a poor decision in a bad situation – can amp up in intensity. Sometimes. 

Sometimes this amplification of affect, of feeling our emotions, is a sign that the patient is learning to feel in a deeper way, that their ego is strengthening. This is why therapy can be uncomfortable, because often we are being called to go into the valid suffering we have been avoiding in order to release ourselves from the unnecessary suffering that we can end up repeating in an attempt to avoid facing the valid suffering, or the fear of it. This is an over simplification, and each case will vary, but the premise is generally true.

3. You Feel Better More of the Time (Except When…)

The clue is sort of in the language. Feeling Better. After all, isn’t that why we attend therapy, to heal? Perhaps the best metric for that is that we feel better. Too obvious? Well, Yes and no. Sigmund Freud, the founder of Psychoanalysis, identified a phenomena with patients he called ‘Flight to Health’ in which a patient might present as suddenly feeling much better thank you very much. This can even occur prior to a session. Previously wrapped up in symptoms when making the appointment a patient can arrive suddenly feeling much better. Or after a single session. This is not uncommon. Again, without contact it is very difficult to say when there is genuine healing taking place and this ‘flight to health.’ Psychotherapy really needs to be conducted on a case by case basis. However, the principle exists. This is another good reason why a block of sessions in a treatment plan is advised, and can be more helpful that single intermittent sessions. In the same way that a patients can suddenly get worse then they can suddenly get better. 

The baseline though is still valid. If, over time, you realise that you are feeling better more of the time, then that is a good sign. If your symptoms ease, or your relationship to them changes for the better, if events, or situations, or people that you used to struggle with become tolerable, manageable, maybe even inconsequential, then these are indications that you are making good progress in psychotherapy.

. . . . . . .

Here’s the thing, you don’t notice how far you have travelled until you look back and see where you were. 

Each time you push the edge of the envelope it doesn’t take long before you find yourself in a place that feels comfortable again. The edge expands and you slide into it each time. Also, when you push outside of your comfort zone consistently, you can find yourself familiar with spending more time there. The unknown, the fear of making mistakes, whatever it was that held you back, stops feeling as uncomfortable as it once did. You start to appreciate that the reason that space felt uncomfortable was because you were just used to staying comfortable – and what you thought was discomfort was generally more your anticipation of the discomfort of the effort you needed to put in – not the outcome that was on the other side. Which is generally something akin to growth. 

There is no reason why you should leave your comfort zone either. If you are happy where you are then why change. But for those who sense there is something more for them, so fuller experience of life, then this might be of use.

If you want something that you perceive is outside your comfort zone, do it. 

Allow yourself to make mistakes and take it one step at a time!

How far will you feel comfortable exploring the limits of your experience will be up to you to work out. For that, there is only one way to find out. 

Have fun.

1. Self Care 

The words self care can conjure thoughts of pampering; long baths, candles, oils, massage, a good book, maybe some high quality chocolate.

Alternatively, the reality might be that self care suggests that someone just not continuing to place themselves in situations where they sustain damage. At the extreme end of the spectrum this might mean an addiction, be it to hard drugs or an abusive relationship. At the other just not getting drunk as often as they do, or just leaving work an hour early and not feeling guilty about it. 

In truth, what counts as self care can exist anywhere between these points. Owning up to where you are at – to the truth – is key to relating intimately in any context. Also, learning what is good for you can take time.

How will you show care to yourself? 

How do you do that currently?

2. Draw Yourself

First, try to draw yourself from memory. Then, after you have tried that, do it using a mirror. Then draw yourself from a photo.

3. Meditate

There are multiple techniques and schools of meditation. In my experience those that talk about ‘Just Sitting’ are the closest to the way I am suggesting here. 

Find a comfortable place to sit. Sit down. Crosslegged if you can. On a chair if not. 

Imagine that from the centre of the top of your head, a golden thread slowly pulls you up, until the point that you feel your back is comfortably straight. (You should feel that your back is comfortably straight rather than stretched) The sensation you should be aiming for is that your back feels suspended rather than stretched.

As far as you can, let your breath begin and end it’s cycle from your belly. Breathing relaxed is more important that breathing deep. Keep it natural and relaxed. Just let it happen. If you wish, as and when it feels comfortable to do so, you can let yourself feel the motion in your body as it expand on the inhale and releases on the exhale. Smoothly. Find where is comfortable. Let your body find its natural rhythm. Above all let yourself be a relaxed observer of this process. 

Count each breath in, an out. Count up to 9 and then start again. Repeat this. 

You may find that your attention drifts, that you realise you have gone over 9. If this happens, just start again, and continue, focusing on your awareness of your breath and the counting.

The more aware that you become of your counting, and of your focus on your breathing, the greater an awareness you will be developing of that part of you called the ‘observer’. This observer is just a quality of your awareness. It is your sense of having senses. Just being in this state of awareness is the foundation for meditation. ‘Just sitting’ is to be present with yourself.  Remember, meditational practice is the practice of meditation. It is about becoming more aware of the quality of consciousness awareness in order that it will spill over into life. As calming and relaxing as the practice of meditation can be, it is not the only result. Its benefit can extend into all areas of life.

4. Walk

Go for a walk. As long or as short as you wish. 

Of course there are many ways of walking so feel free to take your pick. For now please consider these 2 variations. 

Walk without purpose. Have no destination in mind. Just wander. It can pay to know the safe edges of the terrain you are exploring but in general walk somewhere you have never been, without knowing where you will end up. Be aware of how the idea and the action make you feel.

Go for a long walk, go further than you have been for a while. Walk far enough that you feel it in you body the following day. Feel free to accept the invitation to make some sort of pilgrimage.

5. Eat a Meal

Be as fully present as you can with your food and with the act of eating, from the first mouthful to the last. Chew every mouthful fully. Taste every flavour, feel the texture change. Be aware. See what comes up. Is it easy to do this or are you distracted? Do you want to rush your way to the end of the meal and get on with the next thing? Do you want to look at your phone or a screen in between? Where is your attention and why?

6. Something Old

Do something that you used to do a lot but haven’t done for a while.

7. Something New

Do something you have never done before.

8. Touch Yourself

This does not have to be erotic but it can be. 

Firstly it is a simple invitation to become aware of your body. If the idea of touching yourself, of feeling the different textures and sensations that can result concerns you then perhaps there is a question for you to attend to there too.

If relating to your own body is something that you don’t do much of then this can be illuminating, especially if, in an erotic sense, you have become habituated to external stimulation such as erotic images or pornography. 

This touch can extend into a form of self love in a physical or erotic way. It may feel unusual or strange if you have been used to external forms of stimulation.

Exploring your body – being with yourself – erotically or otherwise, can help to reconnect to your senses in a deeper way. It can even help to detach from an over reliance on external symbols that may have served to objectify your sexual instincts. 

9. Your Philosoply 

What is your philosophy of life? Do you have one? Can you write it down? Could you explain it in a single image or would it take a book? Is there any way to summarise it in a single sentence or in an analogy.

10. Make Something

Make something.

11. Explore Your Past

Catalogue your memories. The earliest and the most significant. Put them together in chronological order. Uncover as much as you feel safe and comfortable to do so. Invite your unconscious to bring to mind all images that it might serve you to know in some way. Be aware of anything that might come up in your dreams too.

12. Who are You?

If and when you are ready, ask yourself this question, ‘who am I?’

The answer might not be something you can speak in words. I might be that it can only be felt; experienced.

Part One: Introduction

Part Two: The World

Part Three: Relationship

The 12 invitations that follow are for those seeking to explore relationship with a a greater degree of intimacy.

Most of the exercises will benefit from the other person knowing the plan so that they can join in too, so that is clearly worth bearing in mind when choosing who to share them with.

As ever. Stay safe & have fun! 

1. Have an Adventure

The line between adventure and misadventure is very thin. Be aware of this when the time comes to choose your adventure together. The negotiation of what to do may reveal as much about the other person as going on an actual adventure with them. An unplanned trip to an unknown destination. Randomly selected by tossing a coin or sticking a pin in a map. Exploring a new place. Dress up in clothes you never wear and go somewhere you alway go. 

2. Make Food 

Prepare, cook, and eat a meal with someone.

3. Converse with a Stranger

Start a conversation with someone you do not know. Go as deep or as shallow as you sense is right and good to do so at the time. If you want to take it one step further converse with someone who is unlike you in significant ways – maybe try to find what you have in common, or just seek ways to appreciate your differences. 

4. Show Care for Someone

This can cover a range of virtues. Essentially, just as the title suggests, show care for someone. Someone you know or a stranger. Find where there is sympathy or compassion in you and then exercise it. 

Alternatively, pay someone a genuine compliment for the sake of paying them a compliment. Perhaps the easiest way to do this is to speak the truth of it in the moment it comes to mind. Often hesitation can kill the moment. Don’t expect anything at all in return. That is what the gift of a compliment is – a gift. You give it. Maybe then just let go of it. Smile and leave.

5. Dance

Dance with someone. Someone you love, or someone you have only just met. It does not need to be cheek to cheek, it could be in an isle at the supermarket – or in the street – or a park – or through a field of wild flowers. Just one or two moves is enough if you are unsure. It’s doesn’t have to be excessive – just a moment can be enough to get a sense of things.

6. Have ‘That’ Conversation

Have a conversation that you have been putting off. Yes, it has to feel like the right time. And then, sometimes, there are some conversations for which it never seems to be the right time. If it is one of those conversations, one of the ones you have been putting off, then maybe this is the right time?

7. Go on a Date 

Ask someone out on a date. Cinema, walk, picnic, meal, shopping, paint balling, waterslides, dancing, painting, go karting, flower arranging, bowling, kayaking, bike ride, festival, board game, face painting, video games, historic site, museum, cave diving, kite flying, stargazing, ice cream, birdwatching, beach, swim, roller skating, pool, garden centre, you get the idea. 

8. Make Love

Open yourself fully to the feeling of being present with someone you love. Allow them to do the same with you. Stay present with the present and allow it to be just as it will be. Allow yourself to be yourself. Allow the other person to be themselves too. 

If you are unsure of where to begin just sit together. Let your eyes rest on the eyes of the other and breath together at the same rate. Just feel the love you feel and follow your instincts. Go from there.

9. Travel

Travel with someone. Simple. Go on journey that lasts longer than a day.

10. Teach Someone

Teach somebody something that they want to learn. If not, if you don’t feel like you have anything to teach, allow someone to teach you something that you want to learn.

11. Participate in a Group

Understanding how you relate to groups will show up a great deal about yourself and about others, whether you feel forced to take the lead, to sit back and observe or to play the middle ground. Groups are often variations of the social structures of the wider world. Join a class perhaps. 

12. Reunite

Knowing what something is, what it means, how we value it, is often defined as much through our separation from it as its presence. The invitation here is to either, spend some time apart from someone close, or reconnect with someone you haven’t seen for a long time. How do you feel in both places? How does it feel to reunite?

Got your own ideas or experiences? Care to share them? We’d love to hear from you. Feel free to add it all to the comments section below.

Part One: Introduction

Part Two: The World

Part Four: Yourself