#livecreative

That said, it is fair to say that around the late 20’s this can be focussed in specific areas of life, and in specific ways.

It is fair to say that the vast majority of my patients and clients are in their late 20’s, and while each person comes with a unique set of needs and challenges, there appears to be a general commonality amongst them. At some levels it is always a question of relating and adapting, but I’d like to expand that out for a moment to share a little more context.

Of course, this will always depend on the individual, and there is no right or wrong way about it because we are all different, but this can show up at a biological level as a desire to settle into a relationship and have children. This is common between the ages of 25 and 35. In my experience this drive appears to start to peak in women who have not yet had children around the age of 28, but this is not exclusive. Men can also feel this drive too. When either sex feels this and does not have a mate then this can become an issue. The stronger the instinct, the stronger the issue too.

For men, traditionally, the period toward the end of the 20’s can show up with questions as to what they are doing with their life, what effect are they having on the world. Are they making a mark?

Biologically, for those without children at a similar age to their partners, they might be contending with the instinctive pressures that their partners are feeling to have children too. One’s sense of responsibility can shift away from oneself as an individual and towards the prospect of becoming a potential family. That is rarely a small step in anyones life. For those who feel uncertain or unconfident about taking it, then this can be a common source of pressure.

For those who are single, or in relationships where the prospect of having children is not a consideration, then the question of ‘What am I doing with my life?’ can still be present.

For both sexes there appears to be a period around the end of their 20’s when they take stock of the direction of their lives and question what their purpose is – or if the path they are on is actually the right one.

If there is difficulty during this period for either sex I would say that it rests here, or at least in this general area. 

Is the life you are currently living fulfilling you in all of the ways it could? 

Are you living true to your potential or not?

Do you feel like you are on the right path or do you need to change tack?

In conclusion then perhaps the hardest part of one’s late 20’s is working that bit out. What is the right path for you? What will ultimately be the best option for you?

Once this is resolved then individuals generally either recommit to the path they are on or change tack completely. 

The hardest part of one’s late 20’s then is perhaps getting to the place where you have made the right choice and can commit to it fully. 

. . . . .

1. An Increase in Ego Strength.

Your ability to feel your emotions without feeling toppled by them is a good sign. Ego strength is not about the sense of what or who you think you are – that is more the concept of yourself, or you ‘self concept’. 

The ego is the sense of being that you have. The ‘I am’ that is having the experience. 

Having a strong ego essentially translates to being able to meet the experience of life as it is. Emotions are generally the signals of instinctual drives. Learning how to read them as signals more accurately, and to our advantage, is generally a step in a healthy direction. It is often when we misread these cues that we end up maladapting to the world, to other people, and to ourselves. 

2. Things Can Get Worse Before They Get Better

It’s an odd one this, but, especially near the beginning of a therapeutic relationship things can sometimes feel like they are getting worse. Strangely this can be a good sign. Of course, the period that it lasts for needs to be taken into account, but generally speaking, for a certain period it is not uncommon, and no bad thing.

Sometimes, old patterns of behaviour, established in the past – e.g. the result of the patient being forced to make a poor decision in a bad situation – can amp up in intensity. Sometimes. 

Sometimes this amplification of affect, of feeling our emotions, is a sign that the patient is learning to feel in a deeper way, that their ego is strengthening. This is why therapy can be uncomfortable, because often we are being called to go into the valid suffering we have been avoiding in order to release ourselves from the unnecessary suffering that we can end up repeating in an attempt to avoid facing the valid suffering, or the fear of it. This is an over simplification, and each case will vary, but the premise is generally true.

3. You Feel Better More of the Time (Except When…)

The clue is sort of in the language. Feeling Better. After all, isn’t that why we attend therapy, to heal? Perhaps the best metric for that is that we feel better. Too obvious? Well, Yes and no. Sigmund Freud, the founder of Psychoanalysis, identified a phenomena with patients he called ‘Flight to Health’ in which a patient might present as suddenly feeling much better thank you very much. This can even occur prior to a session. Previously wrapped up in symptoms when making the appointment a patient can arrive suddenly feeling much better. Or after a single session. This is not uncommon. Again, without contact it is very difficult to say when there is genuine healing taking place and this ‘flight to health.’ Psychotherapy really needs to be conducted on a case by case basis. However, the principle exists. This is another good reason why a block of sessions in a treatment plan is advised, and can be more helpful that single intermittent sessions. In the same way that a patients can suddenly get worse then they can suddenly get better. 

The baseline though is still valid. If, over time, you realise that you are feeling better more of the time, then that is a good sign. If your symptoms ease, or your relationship to them changes for the better, if events, or situations, or people that you used to struggle with become tolerable, manageable, maybe even inconsequential, then these are indications that you are making good progress in psychotherapy.

. . . . . . .

Here’s the thing, you don’t notice how far you have travelled until you look back and see where you were. 

Each time you push the edge of the envelope it doesn’t take long before you find yourself in a place that feels comfortable again. The edge expands and you slide into it each time. Also, when you push outside of your comfort zone consistently, you can find yourself familiar with spending more time there. The unknown, the fear of making mistakes, whatever it was that held you back, stops feeling as uncomfortable as it once did. You start to appreciate that the reason that space felt uncomfortable was because you were just used to staying comfortable – and what you thought was discomfort was generally more your anticipation of the discomfort of the effort you needed to put in – not the outcome that was on the other side. Which is generally something akin to growth. 

There is no reason why you should leave your comfort zone either. If you are happy where you are then why change. But for those who sense there is something more for them, so fuller experience of life, then this might be of use.

If you want something that you perceive is outside your comfort zone, do it. 

Allow yourself to make mistakes and take it one step at a time!