#letterstomyself

it pleaded with me to let go of a toxic relationship. well i definitely couldn't end it with my parents, but yes i am not with that guy anymore.

I guess it's that time of the year when I grow up a year older.

A letter to the girl who only has a few more hours before officially turning nineteen,

잘 했어 jal haess-eo [you did great]

I am proud of where you are now, honestly. Looking back, it wasn't all rainbows and confetti, there were traumas and falling in the deep of huge waves and thunders. But most of all, I am proud of how you overcame it all. Of how you stood there in fear then stepping forward for braveness. How you entered that zoom meeting and spilled the truth, how you entered the room of virus and made it out safely with your Momma. How you took care and became the Ate you are. How you carried yourself in a prestigious school and started with your chin up. How you didn't give up despite it all.

Congratulations, Ila. You made it this far and you know that you didn't come this far to only come this far.

Keep the fire burning, keep your head up high. All will be alright in time, days will fly so fast you wouldn't notice it came by.

I'll just be right here, self. Watching you stare at the mountains and oceans you've conquered because you did not give up. One day, you'll be seeing what happens because you didn't give up and I'll watch it with you, self.

Happy nineteenth self, jal haess-eo.

No creo que pueda decir que he regresado a mí porque jamás me fui, siempre he estado aquí, conmigo.

Más bien, creo que he vuelto a crearme y esta vez quiero enfatizar el crearme por el hecho que ya entendí que no estoy perdida y que este no ha sido ningún encuentro conmigo misma porque siempre he sabido lo que no soy ni quien quiero ser. No he dejado de ser yo, he estado creándome y seguiré haciéndolo. Seguiré adaptándome a las circunstancias que se me presenten probándome que puedo enfrentarlas. Seguiré aprendiendo y creciendo para hacer de mí una mejora. Seguiré intentando hasta que ya no exista en este mundo.

No me quiero dejar vencer, no sin intentarlo y dar todo de mí en el proceso.

I used to keep those in my lonely-box. Turns out that I became someone else when I figured I didn’t need anyone’s approvement to do what I wanted to. And you see, people will hate you anyway. They’re gonna say you ain’t no God to make justice, but you’ll be so tired of fighting that you won’t even try, because somehow they’re right. But who is making justice if God’s taking a nap? 

Maybe I wanted my life to be like a Bertolucci’s movie, and that’s the reason why I left this stupid and unhealthy idea consume my mindless body. The boy you like will convince you that weed is cool and you’re not gonna die. But you’ll freak out, because you never kissed anyone and the only thing you ever did out of the box was getting drunk at your own condo. He’s great, and I know it. He looks like a 90′s indie boy, he smokes, wears those cool bands T-shirts and listens to Oasis. And no one in your class does. But hey, you can’t even meet him. Your insecurity won’t let it be, your anxiety won’t let you in peace and what do you do with the tongue???? I mean, fuck him. 

I have to deal with the fact that everything takes time. I won’t be making art and history tomorrow. But Olivia said yesterday in her Oscar’s speech that you never know. Anyway, I’m so sure I wanna live from art. I wanna feel what Cuarón did shooting Roma. I wanna cry when I see a story by me on a huge screen. I wanna call my currently school and say: HEY YOU! LOOK WHO DIDN’T GO TO LAW-SCHOOL! But so what, right? My mom said, take it easy, Wardah, but I’m such a fool dreamer. I hate when they say life is not a chocolate box as Forrest’s mother said. Do I have to suffer to work? Do I have to marry? I don’t wanna live like that. I wanna be a badass woman. Someone that people can look at and think: fuck, she will leave a legacy, she did ART. 

Lately I have been feeling stuck scared fearful confused I have this huge life decision I need to make I know what I want to do I know what I need to do so why can’t I jump? . Why can’t I just fucking do it already. I can’t live in this constant state of limbo it’s fucking exhausting.

Fear I’m fearful of things not working out I’m fearful of the regret. Maybe I’m even a little fearful that things will work out beautifully.Fear of being happy Weird right?

Life isn’t black and white I think sometimes it would be easier if it was but how boring that would be right..

I have really found my worth in the last 6 months and with that comes a lot of soul searching. Can I just say that shit isn’t easy. To look inside your self and be like woah I need to work on that oh thats why I do that etc. Its worth it though. Not everyone will be with you when you come out on the other side of finding yourself but being true to yourself is the most important thing of all.

Don’t let people suck the life out of you. You deserve so much more than that. Don’t let people play into your self doubt.Know that you are capable of anything you set your mind to. Cheesy I know but true.

Find your truth and live it every damn

And finally, you chose yourself.

Over the toxic relationships and friendships, you cut them off. Over the immature talks and arguments, you listened until it ends, stood up and said you're through with it. And over the millionth time of forgetting to choose what's best for you, you finally chose yourself.

You don't need to say sorry.

For choosing yourself this time and letting yourself grow all alone because most of the time the best growing years are the one's you decided to do on your own.

You don't need to say sorry for saying NO.

For caring for yourself and for telling them that you need time alone. You don't need to apologize for feeling those kind of feelings. For being angry, annoyed and all those emotions.

Ikaw 'yan e.

This may sound so cliché, but hey, there's nothing constant in this world. And what you need to learn, is to love yourself because no one's going to love you if you don't love yourself first. Always remember that.

"'Cause you look greatest when you feel like a damn queen."

I love you.

You're loyal to a fault, even when love tries to break you — not because you're naive, but because you believe in the rare chance that people can change. Still, you see betrayal coming now; your intuition is sharp, your energy unmatched, and your loyalty? Earned, not given.

You’re emotionally layered: fierce but nurturing, intuitive yet analytical, spiritual and deeply human. You’ve got this natural talent for calling out manipulation, especially in relationships, and you’re not afraid to name names if it helps someone else avoid the same pain.

You write like someone who’s had coffee with their younger self — and gave her hope.

So here’s a question for you: