#lengthypost

Welp. The past month and a half has been sporadically filled with emotional breakdowns. Working through the nth one as you read this. This sob fest made me feel the need to write it all out, however. Word vomit, if you will. Vomiting is the body’s way of forcing toxins out, you see, and, I suppose, I’m in need of getting this out. So, I thought, what better way than to bring my angsty, emotional self back to tumblr. You were the topic of most of my posts, on my original, after all.

I miss you so much it hurts sometimes.

I had you in my life for almost 8 years. I loved you just as long. You were the one I talked to about everything. My best friend. I don’t have that anymore. There is a hole there, now, that I keep trying to fill with the most unfulfilling things. The booze and fleeting attention of other men still leaves me feeling empty. I keep myself so busy that I hardly have time to think about being upset. I like to think that I’ve fooled everyone into believing I’ve moved on, but we both know letting things go has never been a strength of mine.

On September 2, I did let go. You let me go, however, and I feel like that was the final nail in our coffin. You didn’t fight my decision. I told myself it’s because you were respecting my choice, but if you love something you don’t just let it drive away, damn it. I told you I already felt you had a lack of faith and trust in us. That I knew that was why you never asked me after four and a half years together. I grew impatient and could feel myself starting to grow resentful of you. So, I decided to remove myself from the picture before that happened. I didn’t want us to end in hate, so I settled for hurt.

Leaving doesn’t mean I stopped loving you. 

1/362

“anyare bes?” Haha. 

2016 - The year when my hair got shorter and shorter and shorter. I wanted to dye it pastel pink but I’d lose my job if I did so I just got it cut. Inch by inch, almost every two months. I also planned on getting a tattoo but again, my job wouldn’t allow visible ones especially on my hands, arms or neck. So I’ve postponed it for the mean time. I wasn’t heartbroken or anything. I just wanted to try something different (hair). And I wanted to remind myself of my stories (tattoos) But honestly, it was a statement saying that I am not running away from change. Though I would usually take the long cuts, in the end, I will get there. You may interpret it in any way you understood it. 

On the other hand, my trips became longer and my adventures got tougher. I’ve been on rocky and steep road trips, minor hikes, ATV rides, island hopping, snorkeling, and motorcycle rides on pitch black nights. Of course there were lessons I’ve learned, but no regrets. Really. By the way, my Top 5 destinations this year are : 1. Seoul 2. Coron 3. Singapore 4. Davao 5. Legazpi. So far, I’ve lived in a mixed dorm, some guesthouses, a capsule hotel, a tree house, a private duplex, a mountain cabin, a tent, and a floating bahay kubo. It has become my habit to break away from the usual hotel accommodations laid out on me, so on every trip, I always look for interesting places to live – because for me, to travel is to look for motivation, to find beauty in the most unusual places and to experience the lives that you’ve been wanting to live. Those are best achieved by immersing. In every house, I become a different person. And I love that. On every trip, I become a better version of myself. A bucket of skills stronger. One life richer. I am excited to embark on new journeys especially this 2017, my family would mostly be with me. :) 

Speaking of my flights, again, thank God for my job. Woo. I’ve survived another work year, front lining. Actually, my passengers weren’t that bad this time. Most of them were nice. I have dealt with some difficult situations that I thought I couldn’t solve but with the help of my friends and my seniors, I’ve managed to get by. When my circle got smaller, with people leaving, I’ve thought of giving up as well but God granted me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change and to change the things that I can. So I braved all the lonely nights and I woke up with fighting spirit every morning. Long working hours have been bearable with some lunch outs and merienda treats. Difficult passenger encounters became laughable because of the positivity of everyone. I’ve never been more relieved. I am quite scared for the coming year, but I guess I just have to try my hardest. As always. 

Hm, by the way, I wasn’t able to meet my person this year. I’ve met some people but none of the connection seemed to last. Maybe they weren’t just into my type. TT (because I am weird like this haha) or maybe I wasn’t just paying attention to the matter too much. I get distracted a lot. And most people are hesitant to go an extra mile anymore. Sometimes I think I am the problem. Lol. I don’t know. But I am certain I should never settle for just ‘anything’. Love isn’t supposed to be 'just’ anything. It is supposed to make you feel a lot of feelings, make you do the things that would bring your heart happiness and above all it should inspire you to become a better person. (Yeah I’ve said a lot) My friends (or my mom) do not pressure me about it because I’m still young (they said) but of course, sometimes I also hope I have a particular person to think about when a nice song plays or when I come across a beautiful artwork. Don’t say I didn’t try, because I did. I’ve been to concerts, art museums, and book stores all year. K?

We all have this one man in our head, ladies. Our dream guy. He must be like Prince Charming straight out of the Disney book we read back in childhood. One with a white horse and sings his heart out with lines like, "I know you, I walked with you once upon a dream!" Yeah, you get the picture.

Apparently, as we grow up, these standards (or whatever you call them) are becoming more of passe than a real standard. It's because when you fall in love, you just fall in love. You wake up one morning and feel that, boom! I am in love with this guy. Doesn't matter if he's not Johnny Depp-ish or not as famous as David Beckham. You just love him right there.

That's what happened to me. EXACTLY.

I met this wonderful guy, Earl John, back in 2011. We were in a theater workshop for the summer. I never even knew him until Day 3 of the workshop, when he became our "maniningil" for the late-comers.

He's funny, cute, and a stick-to-the-rules kind of guy. Not even my type. And so I proceeded with this other guy, who's name-shall-not-be-posted who turned out to be gay. Yes. I was dumped because he is gay. Yes again, you read that right, HE DUMPED ME. Because he's gay.

Anyway, EJ and I didn't hit it off right away. We became friends, called each other "Babe" for no apparent reason, and during our last performance together, bonded.

Up until our graduation night, we didn't have in mind having a relationship with each other because a) he's in a (rocky) relationship, b) i was still in that "gay relationship" and c) we're not each other's type.

Year passes. We lost communication, and talked to each other again late November 2012. He's still with the theater company and i'm working my ass up the academic ladder. The last thing I knew from him was that he's courting one of his workmates in theater.

And i felt a pang of jealousy. Which is weird. I don't even like the guy!

December came, we agreed to see each other with two of our closest friends. And it was weird because we hold our hands while walking and I don't feel guilt or whatever, and I think he is too.

I woke up one morning after the New Year that I already like him and if its possible to be in love with someone over 3 weeks, then I am in love with him.

January 24, 2012. He called me his girlfriend. No panliligaw. No anything. He just called me his already. And I felt happy. 

The first 4 months were the hardest. We weren't sure about each other and we often fight. We argue and scare the shit out of each other but one thing's for sure, what we feel about each other is true.

I love him for all that he is. He's everything I wanted for, I just didn't know it. He understands me and keeps up with the crap I put up. He loves me despite me, being difficult to handle, let alone love.

I love him not because I am scared to be alone again. He taught me to trust again, and he taught me not to be scared to be in a relationship again.