#kpopscape

Taking a small breath, as you nod your head and smile at the woman. "I'm Ava, and I'll be conducting your interview on Mr. Byun's behalf." She says, walking through the office hallways. It's so plain, the white walls just dying for at least a pop of color, or even a picture of some sort. Ava leads you into a plain white room, nothing in it but the necessary items. Did you really want to work somewhere so boring? You were lost in your thoughts again after answering only a few routine questions. 

"I think you'd be a perfect fit for this job." Ava smiles. You'd only been talking for 15 minutes before she decided. 

"Thank you." You smile. 

"I'd like to offer you the position as the Senior Data Analyst. You'd be working directly under Mr. Byun." She tells you. 

"Sure. Yes, thank you so much." You say. One thing checked off your list. Find a job, find an apartment, and get settled in this new town. Luckily you had an apartment view right after this interview, and considering you were hired on the spot you had an extremely good feeling. 

The apartment sucked, but you took it anyway. You would try your best to make the small studio apartment feel like home, but you weren't quite sure how. You weren't the most stylish, if you really had to describe yourself, you were quite bland. You knew the clothes you wore were a size or two too big, but you had no urge to change yourself. For what, or for who? You had no one in your life to care about, you didn't even care about yourself.

You laid in your bed that night, staring at the popcorn ceiling, as you remembered why you moved here in the first place, and your heart broke all over again. 

**

Slowly and quietly you pressed your ear to the bedroom door at this party. 

"Stop telling Y/N she has a chance with me. Please, it makes me sick to even think about it." You hear Hongjoong laugh loudly. "I can't even listen to her talk for more than 30 seconds at a time. I don't know how you do it. Her voice is so fucking annoying." 

"Right? I swear to go sometimes I feel like my ears are bleeding. And you should see her when she cries. So fucking ugly." You hear Maya giggle. 

"And is it just me or is she fucking dumb? How could she love me for all these years and not realize how repulsed I am by her?" He asks. 

Ouch. 

“I know math isn’t her best subject but Christ, can't she add up all the things you don’t do around her and see you’re not into her, and never will be? I mean, you try to leave the room whenever she enters." Maya laughs. "So there's no chance of you leaving me for her?" 

"You think I'm gonna leave a goddess like you, for that thing? Come on, baby, you should know me better than that. Plus, she doesn't have a set of tits like these." He laughs. 

As quickly as the hurtful words began, they stopped. You weighed your options of what to do but your body still felt too numb to move. 

You stood there, your ear pressed against the door feeling your stomach sink. You wanted to run away but it was like your feet were glued to the floor. 

The floor that made your knees feel weak as you turned the door knob and pushed the door open to see Maya, on top of Hongjoong. 

The music that was once pounding in your ears was now quiet. It was so muffled as you began to only hear your own shallow and fast breaths. You could hear and feel your heart pumping at a pace you were sure was off the charts, while also slowly ripping into tiny pieces. 

You felt like you couldn't breathe as his hands gripped her body. They hadn't heard the door opening. 

The walls were suddenly caving in as he slowly slid his fingers up and down her curves moving over her ass to squeeze it. 

Tears fell from your eyes as you watched him touching her in ways that you had once dreamt about. 

Your face begins to burn in complete embarrassment. The fucking betrayal you felt from someone who said they loved you. Maya was supposed to be your best friend. She was the one who was by your side when you cried, wondering why he didn't love you back. She held you as you sobbed into her lap, she wiped your tears away and always had comforting words for you. She would laugh at his Instagram page with you and acted as if she didn't even like him.

But here she was ripping you apart with him for their own enjoyment.  

**

Tears streamed from your face as you rolled over in your bed. You hated remembering that day. The day you lost your best friend. It hurt so bad and you know you needed to move on but that's always easier said than done.

The next morning you woke up, exhausted and not ready for the day but you had your first day of work. You'd tried to look up Mr. Byun last night, but there were no pictures of him anywhere. You thought that was a little odd, but didn't chalk it up too much. You got ready for the day in record time, putting on your too big skirt, with your too big shirt and oversized blazer. You put your hair up the best you could and avoided all makeup. 

Slowly, you walk into the building, making your way to the 35th floor, where your office was supposed to be. The entire floor was empty when you arrived. Just the way you liked it. You popped in your airpods, started your music and got to work organizing the 5 items on your desk. It took you roughly 3 minutes. You glanced at the clock, 6:55am. You still had 35 minutes until you were technically supposed to start, but it never hurt to get a head start. You worked for a little bit, listening to your favorite songs before you barely noticed a few people entering their cubicles. You mostly ignored them, offering a small nod of acknowledgement before getting back to work. You hadn't noticed anyone walking into the all glass office in front of you, until you felt your heart tug. A feeling you had never once felt before. You looked up and saw the most handsome, stone-cold looking man you'd ever seen. You couldn't take your eyes off of him, it was like you were drawn to him. 

"Handsome, huh?" You hear, breaking you out of your trance. 

"Who? What?" You say, looking up. Standing in front of you is a thin, blonde bombshell with a smile that could make you forget any worry in your life. “Hi. I’m Y/N.” You cough. She was so beautiful, it made you extremely nervous. 

"Hi, I'm Lisa, I work in that cubicle to your left." She says with a smile. “I just wanted to bring these over for approval from you, and introduce myself.” She explains, showing a small pile of papers in her hand. You were listening to her, but you had a hard time keeping yourself engaged in the conversation. Your eyes continued to dart towards the man who took your breath away and Lisa definitely noticed. She let out a small giggle to regain your attention. You swiftly looked back at her, giving her an apologetic smile. 

 "That's Mr. Byun.” She tells you. “Do your work, don’t get in his way and don’t question him and you’ll be just fine.” she tells you. 

“He looks mad.” You say, taking a quick glance at him before looking back to Lisa. 

“That’s just his face I think. He always looks like he’s got a painful stick up his ass." She whispers. 

"Why did you start whispering?" You asked. 

She sets the pile of papers on your desk, looking back towards Mr. Byun's office and looking back at you. "He hears everything." She whispers again, walking out of your office with a smile.  

Your eyes turned over to Mr. Byun, you were having a hard time turning your gaze somewhere else. There was just something about him that was driving you crazy. You watched as he shouted at someone on the phone, the veins in his neck and hands popping out intensely. His dark brown hair flowed perfectly on his head. His suit fit him perfectly, you could see the muscles all over his body. 

Suddenly he slammed the phone down onto the receiver, you were surprised it didn’t break with the amount of force he used. He rubs his eyes before running his fingers through his hair. He looks up, his eyes meeting yours without hesitation. Your heart pulls toward him. You wanted to get out of your seat and slip your tongue into his mouth. You wanted to be near him, holding him and you didn't know why. His eyes are still on yours as he walks out of his office, heading straight for you. Your heart begins to pound as he gets closer to you. 

"Who are you?" He asks, abruptly. You're looking directly in his eyes, you can’t help but almost get lost in them. They’re so dark, like they're filled with pure hatred. 

"Uh, I'm L/N Y/N. I'm your new Senior Data Analyst. " You respond. "Pleasure to meet you, Mr. Byun." 

"We’ll see about that. Get to work Miss. L/N." He says, walking out of your office and back to his. Your eyes meet again as he brings down his shade, his eyes still glued to yours. 

The rest of the day, you couldn't get him off your mind. You had a hell of a time trying to focus on any of your work. You just wanted to see him again. Anytime you let your mind wonder, it went to him immediately. You felt like you loved him but you didn't even know him.

After you had finally finished all your work, it was dark outside. You let out a big, loud yawn as you stretched your body from your desk. You gathered all your belongings and turned the lights out to your office. As you walked by Mr. Byun’s office, you noticed the lights were still on. You peaked in through a small patch of glass that was uncovered from the shade and saw him sitting at his desk with another extremely handsome man, sitting across from him. You knew you shouldn’t have been peaking in, but your curiosity got the better of you. Within seconds, Mr. Byun’s head whipped around, his eye’s shooting daggers towards you. 

You let out a small screech before you quickly take off to the elevator, hoping that either it comes fast or he doesn't come out of his office after you. You get onto the elevator and press the close door button as quickly as you can.

You made it home that night without incident and without Mr. Byun yelling at you for being nosey. You just needed to mind your business and not do that again. 

You dreamt of him that night. His hands gliding over your body, his tongue licking you everywhere, how he tasted, how it felt to have him on top of you. You woke up in a puddle of sweat the next morning. You had so wished it was real. 

The rest of the week went by, and he paid you no attention at all. He didn't even bring up your little snooping issue. Whenever he had a request from you, he sent Ava to ask you. Obviously he couldn’t be bothered to do it himself. You hated that. You wanted to see him again. 

He kept the shades of his glass office down, further avoiding any contact with you. It wasn’t until the next week that you’d finally be able to see him again. Lisa had ever-so apologetically placed a stack of papers on your desk, minutes before 5pm. You weren't one to just leave the papers for the morning, and honestly, you had no one waiting for you at home so why wouldn't you stay late and do them. Around 8pm, you’d finally finished and you were carefully planning Lisa’s murder for the next day. You were exhausted. You grabbed your coat off the back of your chair and rubbed your eyes while you walked towards the elevator. You were so tired you didn’t even look in Mr. Byun’s office as you passed it. You had expected him to have left hours ago anyways. You pressed the down button on the wall and waited silently. It wasn't until a few seconds later you felt someone standing behind you. The doors to the elevator ding, sliding open. You turn around and see him standing there, an unimpressed expression plastered on his face. 

He looks at you and at the open elevator doors, motioning for you to get in. your brain finally clicks and you get on as he follows behind you. You press the button for the first floor and prepare for an uncomfortable and silent ride down 34 floors. Mr.Byun takes a deep breath as he stands next to you, your arms just almost touching. “Why are you here?” he murmurs under his breath. You barely didn’t quite catch what he had said. 

“What was that?” You ask, turning your head to look at him. 

He sighs. Turning towards you, taking a few steps until you're backed into the wall. He places his hand next to your head, leaning himself in closer to you. 

“I said.. Why are you here?” he whispers, his lips so close to yours. “Do you have any fucking idea what youre doing to me?” he asks, breathing heavily. His head moves closer to you, his lips narrowly escaping yours as he places his head onto your neck, inhaling deeply. It was like he couldn't get enough of your smell. Before you could say anything the elevator dings, and he moves away from you as fast as he can, walking out into the lobby, leaving you there wondering what the fuck just happened.

**

Over the next several weeks after that incident, he kept trying his best to ignore you. Everyday. Occasionally you’d catch a glance of him, and the eye contact was so intense you could feel heat running through your entire body. Everyday that you didn’t see him, your heart hurt more and more. You couldn’t explain why but it felt like it was breaking you. You knew it was ridiculous, he was your boss, how could you love him? 

You didn't have an answer to why you did, but you did and you really didn't want to.

After working at your office for a few months, you decided you needed a change. You were tired of looking frumpy and exhausted while everyone around you looked bright and amazing. You needed to reinvent yourself, and spice up your life and you needed to do it now or you wouldn’t do it at all. That weekend you took the plunge. 

You went to the salon first. you got your hair done something that was better suited for you, a new style and new color. You went to the mall, and completely changed your wardrobe from the baggy clothes you were wearing to things you normally would never wear. You bought outfits that actually fit you, and showed off your body instead of hiding it. You bought proper bras and sexy panties. You felt good and different, but a good different. You couldn't wait to showcase the new you. You had never felt so confident in yourself before, and you loved it. 

Monday morning, you strutted into the office, your dress hugging your curves, your hair bouncing as you walked. You could feel all eyes on you as you walked to your office. You had never felt everyone watching you in a good way before and it felt amazing. You placed your jacket on the hook and sat in your chair to get to work. Lisa walked into your office with her mouth hanging wide open. 

“Girl.” She squeals. “You look phenomenal!” She eye’d you up and down, admiring your outfit.

You could feel your cheeks get hot from the compliment. “Thank you.” you laughed. “It feels weird, but good.” you tell her. 

“It should feel all good, girl. You look great.” she smiles. “Also Ava is out today, so i've been instructed to tell you that Mr. Byun needs to see you in his office.” She says, side eyeing his office.  

You try your best to swallow the lump in your throat as you nod your head. You hadn't seen him when you walked in, and you anxiously wondered what he would possibly think of your new look. You stood up, smoothed out your dress before heading towards his office. You stood in front of the door, breathing heavily as you knocked lightly on his door. 

“Come in.” you hear from a gruff voice. 

You turn the handle to his door and walk in and it’s like you can’t breathe. He sits there, his hands in his lap, leaning back in his chair. Fuck he looks so good. 

“You wanted to see me?” you ask. 

“You changed yourself.” he points out. His eyes trail your body up and down as he admires you. 

“Just a few things. What did you need to see me for, Mr. Byun?” you ask. You wanted to get out of there as fast as you could. Your heart was racing, you could feel the sweat covering the palms of your hands. 

“Call me Baekhyun.” he says, getting out of his chair. He walks towards you, almost in slow-motion, like he was gliding towards you. You step back as he gets closer to you. His head reaches out, caressing your face. 

“It’s getting too hard to fight, Y/N.” he whispers, looking deep into your eyes. “I don’t want to want you.” 

“I don’t want to want you either.” You admit. 

“You feel it too? The pull, the urge, the desperation?” he asks. You can’t speak, you can only nod your head. “Then it’s true.. You are my mate.”  

“I'm your what..” you ask. Before he can answer, his door swings open. Baekhyun backs away from you and in walks a brunette bombshell. She was absolutely stunning and you’d never seen her before. 

“Jennie.” Baekhyun says, clearing his throat. “What are you doing here?” he asks. 

“Poor girl looks frightened, Baeky.” she smiles. “I hope you're not scaring your staff too much.” she giggles. 

“Who are y..” you begin before she cuts you off. 

“Oh!” she laughs. “I’m Jennie Kim.” she announces, moving closer to Baekhyun,  wrapping her arm around him. 

It wasn’t like you were close friends or anything of the like to see his face on the regular, either. You only knew him since you went to school for four years together, were in the same groups for a few projects and outings together, and shared a few conversations and unfortunate events together (i.e. the time you were forced to act out a couple scene for a class roleplay, but that’s a story for another day). But then twelfth grade and college came swinging by and you haven’t heard of him ever since, save for a few whiffs here and there when someone would mention him, or when he’d heart your recently changed display picture.

The only other connection you can count with him is the fact that you also shared the same friend— Chaewon— your best friend of over ten years and the only girl a part of Jeno’s friend group. She’s also the star of the party you’re attending today, and the very reason why you’re meeting Lee Jeno again in the first place.

The very reason why you end up seeing him again when you enter the hotel room, white button up with rolled up sleeves tucked in sharp fitting slacks and all, and think: oh shit, I used to have a crush on him.

“Whoa. Y/N, is that you?"

He turned away from the mirror when he heard the door opening as you entered, sporting a look of surprise before melting into a wide, closed-eyed smile.

Oh shit, you think again. He’s still hot.

Out of the five things you knew about him, it seems this one still checks out.

“Y/N, Jeno’s asking if you’re Y/N,” Donghyuck chimes in as he squeezes past you, trying to maneuver around the crowded hotel room filled with people preparing and voices muddled together. You see faces you haven’t even caught a glimpse of in two years (Donghyuck was one), some you’ve seen just a week ago (Sunwoo, whose head you saw popping out from the bathroom. He went to your house last weekend to borrow a book). There are also people you’ve never met before in your entire life but have heard their names mentioned (Chenle was a name you’ve heard many times and is a name currently being shouted by a guy you don’t recognize), so that increases your ill comfort.

“No,” you snort in reply, placing your bags down on one of the empty spaces on the floor. “Who could I be, I wonder.”

Jeno chuckles and turns back to the mirror, throwing on his coat. “It’s nice seeing you again, Y/N.”

Christ, you sigh and sink into the closest chair. Even his back looks hot.

THE SECOND THING you knew about him was still the same, as well.

“Hey.”

You hear a familiar voice from a few seats away.

“Where did Jeno run off to?”

Despite all the music and voices chattering in the ballroom, your ears pick up Mark Lee from the table next to yours asking the rest of his friends in the middle of the event, and you let your spoon drop onto the saucer to listen out of curiosity. Letting your eyes gloss around their table, you can recognize each one of them— Donghyuck, Jaemin, Yangyang, Shotaro, Renjun (people you went to highschool with), and an empty chair right beside Mark— presumably, Jeno’s.

“Right,” Yangyang adds, flicking his wrist to check his watch. “It’s almost time for us to perform.”

All six turn to Jaemin simultaneously, and the orange-haired boy nonchalantly looks back at them in his seat. Jaemin takes out his right hand, two fingers open and raises it to his puckered up lips. He blows into the gap between his fingers and drops his hand down, shoulder slacking. “Out.”

They release a groan. Sunwoo asks from beside you if you’re gonna eat your remaining ice cream or just let it evaporate.

“I thought he stopped smoking,” you hear Renjun say.

“He stopped smoking to start vaping,” replied Donghyuck. “Jaemin, why don’t you tell your friend off. It’s Chaewon’s birthday, for fuck’s sake.”

“He doesn’t even listen anymore when I nag him,” Jaemin whines before turning back to Mark, who already looked worried because of two reasons. “But, hyung. If you’re worried about Chaewon’s party getting ruined if he doesn’t show up on time—”

He nods his head, chin pointing to the ballroom entrance.

“Don’t.”

At that moment, Jeno waltzes into the scene— one hand in his pocket, the other languidly swinging on his side as he makes large strides to the table. The moving lights flicker on his face for a split second, just a second before it slid elsewhere in the room, and you took in a sharp inhale of the conditioned air. He makes eye contact with you as he passes by, nods and smiles, one corner of his lips just barely twitching upwards, before grinning wider as he skips to his table with the boy.

“Hey,” he says, settling down beside Mark. “We’re up next, right?”

The chair you’re sitting on is kicked by Sunwoo, and you yelp out a swear. “What the fuck?”

“Your ice cream,” he deadpans. “Melting.”

Drawing your eyes back to the table, you see bits of nuts and marshmallows swimming in a pool of white, brown, and a darker shade inside your tall glass. You groan and push it aside. Jesus, it’s like you’re sixteen again.

YOU’RE LOSING YOUR MIND.

Were you that relationship deprived, romantically denied, and so much in need of something to water your dried-up, shriveled-up love life to the point of gawking at your old crush (of whom you don’t even know if he’s still single) throughout the entire party and after?

Perhaps.

You don’t want to admit it, but you also don’t have another explanation as to why the fuck you’re sitting against a seat in the cold, cold corner of the dim hotel room, fries and tupperwared cake and wine in a coke cup in front of your crossed legs, looking up, french fry between your fingers, and with your mouth slightly ajar at the Lee Jeno that’s looming over you at this very moment.

He’d just taken a shower. You can see from the droplets melting into the gray towel hanging around his neck.

“Can you get my phone?”

“Don’t want to,” the words automatically come out of your mouth before you can think, and you inwardly cringe at yourself, feeling your soul shrivel up and die just like your love life.

“It’s literally behind you,” Jeno grumbles. “Please?”

You wipe your mouth and blink more times than normal, returning the fry to its basket. “Where?”

“Wedged between the cushion,” his face scrunches together while he aggressively dries his hair with the towel.

You quickly turn around and look for the damned phone.

“Yup. That’s it,” he says, and you pass the device up to him. He shoots you a grin and turns on the screen. “Nice, good job.”

“Am I a dog?” you grimace, swiping your paper cup of wine from the floor and bringing it up to your lips, looking to the side. Jeno laughs and reaches for the top of your head, his fingers slipping through strands of your hair while he ruffles it up.

“Thanks.”

His fingers disappear from your scalp and he sits on the bedside, still close to you while he busies himself with his phone.

You could feel the wires in your brain start to fry and short circuit.

“Hey, you don’t have a cough or anything, right?”

Just then, Sunwoo enters your peripheral and settles himself down right in front of you on the floor, just beside Jeno’s feet. You remembered that there were other people here inside the hotel room, and suddenly you hear all the noises around— the screaming at each other, the laughing at the television screen right in front of the two, pushed together beds, and the hysterical crying from the dining area just outside the door.

“No,” you look at him, feeling the sting of liquid crawl down your throat before throwing the now empty cup to the floor. “Why?”

“Let me borrow your spoon.”

You look at what he has with him. It’s the mango float Shotaro brought. Sunwoo waits for you with a hopeful glimmer.

“Wait. I have a runny nose.”

You flinched when you heard Jeno break into a snort and laugh.

This isn’t supposed to make you feel proud, but it does.

Sunwoo scoffs, adjusting his legs with a glare directed straight at your forehead. “If you don’t want me to use it then just say it to my face.” Offended, you try to defend yourself, saying that he only asked if you were coughing at first, so of course you’d say no and that he should’ve clarified his intentions from the beginning, but Sunwoo wouldn’t take any of your shit. You could still hear Jeno’s stray chuckles. Sunwoo continues to ignore you and decides to pay attention to the guy sitting on the bed instead, much to your outrage. “Long time no see Jen.”

“Hey,” Jeno answers. “For the record, Y/N has a point.”

You stick your tongue out. Sunwoo ignores you. “You go to NCIT, right?”

“Yep. What about you two?”

“Music production at SNU,” your friend replies. Jeno hums and says something, but you lose whatever it was when his eyes flit over to you.

Right. He has a mole under his left eye.

“Y/N?”

“O—oh,” you stammer. Sunwoo snorts and makes fun of you. You give him the finger. “Hanyang.”

“What are you taking?”

You don’t know why but you’re suddenly embarrassed. “Uh— public administration.”

“Whoa,” he leans down, elbows resting on his knees while his hands dangle in front of him. The lights are all off. The television screen is the only thing illuminating the back of his head. You can see the outline of his features— sharp and gentle. Jeno opens his mouth. “That’s cool. You gonna run for president?”

You start coughing.

“I thought your throat was fine,” Sunwoo grimaces from in front of you, throwing sheets of tissue paper that he found on the floor to your direction.

“Fuck off,” you crumple the sheets and pelt it to his face before turning back to Jeno, un-knitting your eyebrows. “I’d rather get run over thanks to all my readings.”

“At least you’re taking a break today,” your friend butts in. You grumble and take a scoop of cake from the tupperware. “What about you, Jen? Weren’t you planning on being an engineer, or something?”

“Oh,” he says. “I’m taking up nursing.”

The spoon hangs from your mouth. Huh.

“What’s with the face?”

Jeno laughs at Sunwoo’s expression, his side profile highlighted by the television screen. Number three on the things you used to know about him is now crossed out, but still—

“You don’t think it suits me?”

It’s hot.

“Y/N, I’m fit to be a nurse, right?” suddenly, he turns to you, and you chase all your stupid thoughts away. Jesus, this guy needs to warn you before he looks at you. “I’m pretty sure I can rock a pair of scrubs and a stethoscope. I took your side earlier, c’mon.”

You stare at him. Why the fuck did he have to insert that image into your head.

Jeno lets out a groan, leaning back against the bed with his arms behind his neck. He lays on a nearby stack of pillows. His shirt rides up and your blood pressure is reaching a very dangerous level. “If you’re feeling sick, you can just phone me,” he grins at you. “I’ll nurse you back to health in no time.”

“I don’t even have your number, Jeno,” you manage to reply.

“Really?” his eyebrows lift up, tongue pushing against the inside of his mouth in a moment of thought. “Hold on.”

The phone you were looking for is suddenly thrown to your hands, home screen bright and open and unlocked.

“Save your number. I’ll text you.”

You make a noise of affirmation.

He has dating apps. At least now you know he’s single.

IT’S ONE IN THE MORNING when you return to the hotel room with Sunwoo from the convenience store to get some fresh air, and by god— you never knew how terrifying it would be to open a door and be greeted by around a dozen men scattered all around a dark room until it happened to you just now.

Fortunately for you, Chaewon is there to save you from the debilitating testosterone and sausage fest. She squeals when she sees you enter the room.

“Y/N!” you’re enveloped in a tight hug after the girl sprang herself from the bed to glomp you. A soft smile scatters across your lips, nose tickled by the stiff curls of her hair while she rocks you back and forth in her arms. “Ahh, I’m so sorry I wasn’t able to pay attention to you the whole day. There’s just so much things going on and a lot of people to tend to, so—”

“It’s fine, it’s fine. I get it, Chae,” you assure her, pulling away. “I could use a break from you, anyway.”

Her bottom lip juts outward. You laugh and bring her back into an embrace. “You literally call me every single day.” But that wasn’t enough for her, obviously. It takes a total of six minutes before she finally and reluctantly pries herself away from you.

“Make yourself at home, Y/N. There’s still some space on the bed, so go lie down and watch the movie they’re playing,” she says, and you take a peek at the television screen. The first thing you see is a shot of dismembered…member flying in the air. You look at Chaewon. She smiles stiffly. “Or not. I have to go to the other room, sorry.”

“Hope you make it until sunrise.”

“I’m having fun, it’s fine. You on the other hand better tell me if you need anything alright?” you nod and nod, telling her not to worry. “Sureness? I’ll be in the other room, so just— oh, jesus fuck— Kim Jungwoo, put that down!”

Chaewon rushes out of the room, door slamming after her. There’s a crash. You sigh and take in the scene right in front of you.

There is Donghyuck and Renjun sitting in the right corner that you previously occupied, mixing drinks and passing them to the men on the bed (the men on the bed being Yangyang, Mark, Jaemin, and Shotaro). Meanwhile, on your left, you can spot a certain Eric Sohn emerge from the bathroom, looking a little, uh, disoriented, managing a smile and wave to your direction while he passes by Dejun who was already mixing himself a packet of 3 in 1 coffee. You miss a few faces scattered herr and there in the dark, but you’d rather be here than outside where you can hear Chaewon and maybe Sunwoo trying to get an already wasted Jungwoo to get his shit together.

You exhale, crawling past a passed out Shotaro to position yourself right beside Yangyang. “The fuck are you guys watching?”

“No idea,” he replies. “It’s funny, though.”

When you tuned into the TV there was a dick again. It really feels like you’re transported three years into the past and not in a good way because you also find yourself laughing. God, is all the testosterone in the air getting to your head or what?

“Mark,” you call out to the guy on his phone at the edge of the bed. He looks behind and meets your eyes with pleasant surprise.

“Oh, Y/N,” he bats his eyelashes. “You’re here?”

“Since, three in the afternoon, dumbass,” you dig your legs under the blanket, stretching one out until your left foot barely hits Jaemin’s back. “Throw me the pillow.” He does as you say, and you settle the pillow on your lap.

Your attention flits back and forth over your phone and the movie (which is funny, you had to admit). At some point, Yangyang had decided to use your left arm as a resting post, and you had to push him off because he reeked of alcohol. Laying right in front of you is Na Jaemin, back flat on the two mattresses and taking up the most space along with Shotaro. Mark had already ran out to help Chaewon with the chaos outside, so Donghyuck took his spot in the far right corner.

It’s cold in the room. People have entered and left through the door multiple times over the course of twenty minutes, but you still don’t see Jeno anywhere. Not that you were specifically looking for him, but Na Jaemin is here and it’s odd to see them apart. Well, not that you’d seen them at all prior to this day, anyway.

You sigh.

Alright. Maybe you are looking for him.

“Where’s Jeno?” Yangyang asks the question for you, and your ears perk up for the answer.

“He went out with Kunhang,” says Jaemin, eyes glued on the TV screen. “Why? You miss him?”

Yangyang grimaces. “My phone’s dead and he borrowed my fucking charger.”

Speak of the devil. Leaks of light from the outside enter the room when the door swings open, revealing Jeno in a black shirt and a pair of basketball shorts before the lights dim once again. He’s stuck right by the door for a moment, right in front of the bed and staring at your direction. Why the fuck is he staring at your direction?

You swallow down, saliva cracking through your dry throat.

He answers by jumping into the empty space right by your legs.

“Oof— oh god, holy shit that hurts, man.”

A loud smack! bounces around the four walls of the room. Jeno yelps and curls his leg into his chest. Jaemin grunts and moves away to give him space.

“Dude, where did you put my charger?” Yangyang asks.

“The couch, somewhere,” he replies, squirming on top of the mess of blankets to get into a comfortable position. “Oh wait, Renjun borrowed it.”

Yangyang grumbles and leaves his spot beside you, and somehow Lee Jeno’s head finds its way on the pillow you were using. The pillow you were using to warm up your lap. He was laying down on your fucking lap. You can smell the bubblegum scented smoke that’s knitted into his hair, skin, and clothes. You can see the outline of his nose and eyelashes from the glow of the television screen right in front.

He lets out a deep laugh, eyes trained on the movie. You can feel the vibrations spilling into your thighs, stomach, chest, up to your faint and dizzying head.

There’s sweat trailing down the back of your neck. Fuck, it’s getting hotter.

“Found it.”

Yangyang announces as he throws himself back beside you, and you choke on your own spit in surprise. “Jesus, you good?”

Jesus, you hope you are.

“Who’s this?”

Jeno turns around briefly, and your legs are able to breathe for a quick moment and you mentally rejoice— “oh, it’s Y/N,”— however he settles back down, head resting on the pillow above your thighs, as if it isn’t a breach of platonic comfort.

It’s not like you’re friends or anything for him to be all close to you. This is the first time you’ve seen him in over a fucking year.

Jaemin is also laying beside Jeno, scrolling through pictures on his phone instead of watching the movie, and your attention is caught by the very stupid photo of Haechan and you burst into an unplanned two second of laughter before covering your mouth. The two look up, smiling, and continue to scroll through Jaemin’s gallery. “Jaem, Hyuck is gonna kill us.”

“He’s passed out on the floor.”

You try to hold in your snorts and chortles, but god damn— why did they have to show you the clip of a clearly pissed off Renjun, swearing and pointing his finger at Yangyang, ready to throw hands before slipping on the longboard conveniently in his way. It’s difficult to keep your hysterics on low volume, especially when the two are also laughing.

However, you go silent when your eyes catch a glimpse of a certain photo of Jeno, quickly scrolled past by Jaemin who went off to show a shot of Mark Lee’s ass in rash guard shorts.

Go back, you want to say. That was barely a second, go back.

“Hey, let me borrow the phone for a sec,” Jeno steals the phone from Jaemin’s hands to which the guy responds with a whine. He scrolls back dozens of photos, all in your perfect view since the guy was still using your legs as a second pillow, right before stopping. “Wow. Perfect.”

It’s the shot of him from earlier. Thirst trap mirror selfie. Sleeveless shirt. God, his jawline can slice through your arteries.

“Ew, you’re just trying to show off,” the screen is shut off in the process of Jaemin snatching his phone back. He turns around to look at you. “Hey, Y/N.”

“Hello,” you reply flatly. Your right leg is starting to become numb. “Do you need anything?”

Jaemin stares at you for a few seconds. You raise a brow.

“Yes. I need to pee. Hold on.”

The guy shuffles off of the bed, and Jeno lets out a long, happy sigh for finally having all of the space to himself. You expect him transfer his fucking head elsewhere, but no. Jeno lifts his head up for a second— one second— only to adjust the pillow on your legs and stretch himself, right before dropping his head back down your lap with a comfortable groan, arms crossed.

Are you a joke to him?

Your mouth is itching to say something. For example, out of all the places, why here? Is this normal for him? To use the legs of a person he hasn’t even talked to in one point five years as a resting cushion? Does he realize how close he is? That you can smell the musky shampoo he used a while ago? He can take the fucking pillow and move away, why the fuck is he doing this?

The blood that’s supposed to be circulating around your legs is cut off. You can barely feel your thighs. However, you still can’t bring yourself to say anything because holy shit— he’s moving his head up and closer and you can feel it each time he breathes.

Suddenly, he shots up.

Your blood comes rushing back into your legs and you can feel them again. Jeno doesn’t say anything when he slides off the bed and walks out the door.

“Where’d he go?” Jaemin asks after returning from the bathroom. You shrug in response. He lays back down and the sounds coming from the television speakers enter your ears once again, and you let out a deep sigh.

While the end credits roll and air finally starts to become colder, you’re flashed back to the time where you first had a crush on him: 11th grade. Middle of the semester. You’d always been aware that Lee Jeno is a remarkably fine specimen, and that you were able to confirm that up close when you were roped into roleplaying a scene where he ended up pinning you against the blackboard for the sake of your grades— but you digress. It really, officially began when you were whining to Chaewon about being single, and that all you wanted was an attractive and strong looking man who had a pretty voice and liked cats, and Lee Donghyuck had to fucking overhear and scream to the entire class “hey! That’s Jeno!” subsequently causing the guy to look over to your direction, slow-mo style, and it clicked inside your head like the barrel of a gun.

You were a goner for five months tops. But then you moved up to twelfth grade and forgot about him.

Had you not been here today, you quite frankly would have continued to forget about him, but you didn’t— you’re here, you’ve seen him, and he’s back in the fucking room with a paper cup in hand that he slammed down onto the television counter right after downing the shot. You caught all of that with your eyeballs in 4K, especially the way his Adam's apple bobbed up and down when he swallowed the drink.

You mumble a silent swear.

He runs his fingers through his hair before falling back into his previous position (your lap), faced down with a grunt. Jaemin smacks Jeno’s ass upon return.

It’s almost as if your backlogs aren’t enough torture.

“You’re not allowed to smoke in the hotel,” Jaemin tells him.

“I didn’t. I went to the kitchen to drink a bit,” he groans in reply, flipping himself over and taking out his phone from his short pockets. You spot Jaemin about to get up. Jeno stops him. “Don’t go out unless you want to ice skate on vomit.”

Jaemin lies back down.

“Are— are those your cats?” you find yourself asking when Jeno’s phone screen shines on your face, full view of his home screen wallpaper. When he passed you his phone earlier, you took notice of the three different colored cats laying down on three different surfaces like a ladder.

“Yeah,” he replied with a smile. Not that you can see it, anyway, since his eyes are trained on his phone screen. “That’s Bongsik, Seol, and Nal. Cute, aren’t they?”

Jaemin scoffs. “You can’t even hold them without sneezing your ass off.”

“So? There’s always a small sacrifice when it comes to love.”

The two of them continue their back and forth banter. You smile to yourself. Item number four on your list also checks out. That’s three out of five since the guy suddenly switched over to nursing instead of mechanical engineering— the story behind that, you don’t know and don’t expect yourself to know since, well again, you aren’t close.

Supposedly. That closeness becomes arbitrary when he’s literally snuggled up on your legs at the moment.

Jaemin interrupts your mental musings by calling Jeno a ballsack. You didn’t get to hold back your snort and laughter.

“Oh god—” you wheeze, fingers covering your lips because god you aren’t proud of laughing over something as juvenile as that, but you are. Jaemin looks satisfied. You want to bury yourself. “Sorry, I’m— fuck, holy shit.”

It hits you that Jeno is dead silent, and when you look at him, you’re met with a pair of eyes, upside-down and reflecting the light from the television screen, looking straight at you. You can see his eyelashes fluttering open, his under eye mole contrasting his blue-tinted skin in the dim arena, and the shimmer on his slightly wet lips that’s turned into a faint pout.

His head is still resting on your lap.

Your giggles die down immediately.

“What’s so funny?”

Suddenly, he gets up. Your legs can finally breathe again, but now your lungs are clogged— seared shut and unable to squeeze in or out even the tiniest bit of cold air because for some reason Lee Jeno thinks it’s a good idea to get an answer from you by putting his face three inches away from yours. You sink into the mattress. His knuckles dig deep into the white blanket cascading down your sides.

“I can’t believe you’re laughing at his ballsack comment. Y/N, that’s so mean.”

“I— I’m not!” you stammer. Jesus fuck, he’s so close.

Jeno purses his lips and narrows his eyes, scrutinizing. A deep breath slips past you when Jeno finally moves away.

“Move it. I’m getting off,” you hastily announce. Yangyang, whom you’ve honestly forgotten until recently, asks where you’re going and why the hell were you leaving him and if you’re going home already when it’s literally two in the morning and you haven’t bonded enough yet. Jaemin and Jeno’s eyes follow you with the same level of curiosity. “Restroom. Jesus, stop being so dramatic.”

With that, you left through the door and for some fucking reason the floor is wet.

“You have slippers on, right?” Mark greets you upon your exit. “There was, uh, an accident earlier. Don’t take them off.”

You glance down at the now suspiciously shiny floor, and let out a long sigh.

You need a breather. A long one.

THE CHAOS TONED DOWN AT QUARTER TO FIVE IN THE MORNING, but not until after a total of three broken glasses, two trips to the shower because of another accident happening, and one misunderstanding with the boys which led to a very brief fist fight because they all passed out not long after. You could hear everything while you hid in the other room, only getting out when you finally sensed a semblance of peace outside.

Now, you’re sitting in the dark at the dining table with Yangyang, Sunwoo, Renjun, and Chaewon— the poor girl barely conscious after babysitting a grand total of a dozen boys the entirety of the night and morning. She’s using Renjun as a headrest, while the boy (clearly sober) asks you questions about your major and academics and life in general.

You’re sure you’ve shared a total of five words with him prior to this night. You don’t know why you’re telling him all about your college stresses and all the university organizations you’re in.

“Although your acads are the primary thing you’re entering college for, it’s still important to balance it out with extracurriculars. What you’re doing— Y/N, right?”

“Yes, I’m Y/N.”

“Y/N, yes, right,” Renjun nods to himself. You can barely see the outline of his head moving. “What you’re doing is a hundred percent correct, Y/N. Even if it’s difficult to balance everything, there’s always pros and cons.“

You sniffle from the cold, sounding out an agreement while adjusting the jacket you took from Sunwoo. “There are a lot of things you can get from joining orgs that you can’t just attain from sticking your nose solely into your academics. For one, socialization and networking You can mingle with a lot of people from different years and majors if you join them. And of course, you can actually immerse yourself in society, and apply the things you learn from—”

“Yes, exactly!” Renjun slams his palms down the table, causing Chaewon to flinch awake. “Shit, sorry. Go back to sleep, Chae. That’s it.” You lean back against the chair, arms crossed with a small smile curling on your lips. She must have been tired, you think to yourself.

“Hate to interrupt your nerd bonding, but aren’t you guys hungry?”

Sunwoo pipes in, shining his phone screen into your eyes that says 5:17AM. It occurs to you that you are hungry and thirsty, considering the fact that there’s literally no food or water, only alcohol in the hotel room. Yangyang makes a suggestion to go grab something to eat and drink at the nearest 7/11.

“You guys go ahead, I’ll bring her to one of the rooms,” Renjun grunts, lifting up Chaewon’s limp body to the room you were hiding in earlier, right past the bathroom.

“Careful, dude,” Sunwoo calls after him, then turns back to you. “Y/N, you coming?”

“Yup. Let me get a mask and my wallet first.”

You trail after Renjun and Chaewon minutes after, maneuvering yourself in the dark because if you’d turn the lights on, you’re sure to receive an earful of grown men complaining about the brightness. Just as you’re about to pass by the bathroom, the door swings open, shining light into your irises and you bump into someone.

The door closes. Your eyes readjust to the darkness and realize it’s Jeno.

Of course it’s him.

“Oh, crap.”

It’s Lee Jeno with his hair dripping wet wearing nothing but a towel in the dark hallway of the hotel room. There’s a sliver of light slipping through the crack of the bathroom door. It glazes over the droplets of water sprinkled on his chest and you refuse to let your eyes wander lower.

“Didn’t you sleep?”

He asks, voice raspy. Your own vocal cords stop functioning.

“You look tired.”

“I’ll sleep when I get home,” you manage to croak out. “We’re going out. Do you need anything?”

“We’re going out?” Jeno repeats in the same low voice, a small grin playing on his lips. You flush and smack his arm, instantly regretting because he dodged and your palm lands on the middle of his chest. Thank fucking god it’s dark. “Sorry, sorry,” he laughs. “Water, please. And if you’re getting ramen, count me in.”

You grunt in affirmation, sliding past him to retreat into the room at the end of the hall. The door slams shut.

“Whoa, calm down. Chae’s asleep.”

Renjun scolds you as you enter. You ignore him  and throw yourself into the mattress, burying your face in the crumpled up blanket next to Chaewon.

“You okay?” He asks. You grunt in response before he leaves the room.

No. No, you aren’t.

Stupid question when you’re having an existential crisis about an teeny tiny ex-crush that shouldn’t be ruining your life and senses this much had he been a little more sensitive, a little more self aware about the effect he has to all the people around him.

Or maybe that’s just you.

“Y/N! Aren’t you coming?”

Recap.

There’s at least five things you know about Lee Jeno: first, he was and is still insanely hot. No questions there. Second, he still smokes. Third, he switched interests from engineering to nursing. Fourth, he still likes cats and owns three of them now despite being allergic. In addition to all of that, you know he’s a little shameless and he has no qualms about invading your personal space. You also know he’s single.

“Y/N!”

Lastly—

“One moment!”

You know you had a crush on him.

“Took you long enough.”

Sunwoo grumbles the moment you stagger into the dining area, and you see Yangyang and Renjun waiting for you along with Jeno, now fully dressed in a gray hoodie, baseball cap and sweats. He shoots you a grin and wave. “I’m coming with. They need my car.”

You nod absentmindedly.

“Okay.”

Scratch that.

You still have a crush on him.

Jaehyun was 12 when he first saw various Cyberpunk movies and decided that he wanted to take computer science for college. Coming from a long line of family doctors, he knew it was impossible. To be a doctor was like the golden rule in their family.

Jaehyun was 17 when he gathered the strength to tell his father that he wanted to take a different degree in college. He remembers that night so clearly; his father said a lot of inappropriate and hurtful words to him. “Computers won’t give you money, Yuno.” His father said before leaving to play golf with his friends. He locked himself inside his room until his mom came in and comforted him.

Jaehyun was 19 when he left their house confident and determined to study a different degree. After a long year of convincing his father, he was one of the thousands of lucky students who got accepted to Korea University. He passed the responsibility of studying Medicine to his younger brother, Sungchan. He and his father were on good terms by that time; accepting defeat that one of his sons wouldn’t be a doctor.

The same age when he met you. He spilled coffee on your white shirt during lunch, the day of Freshmen Orientation. In exchange, he returned to his dorm, which was way closer in the cafeteria and grabbed a shirt for you.

The same age where Jaehyun asked you to be his girlfriend.

Jaehyun was 20 when he told you he wanted to meet your family. You were already dating for seven months at the time, and you had met his side of the family. You were shocked but you agreed to his wishes. When the university gave you a week break, you decided to take him to your house.

“Wait, are you really sure you want to meet them?” You asked, buckling your seatbelt and faced him. Jaehyun nodded his head and started the engine of his car. “Are you a hundred percent sure?”

“Of course, I am.”

“Well then, suit yourself.”

Jaehyun remembered driving to one of the affluent gated communities with strict security in Seoul. Seven months together, and Jaehyun only realized that you were rich, not the nouveau riche, but old money rich. You never told him about that, and he assumed that your family was living a comfortable lifestyle. His eyes widened when you told him to stop in front of, probably the biggest mansion he’s ever seen in his life.

“Y-you live here?” He asked, his eyes not leaving the house. “This is your house?”

“Mhm, well, technically it’s my grandparents’ house. They wanted us to live with them because some of my relatives already left the country.” You answered, giggling when he mouthed ‘who are you?’, “Okay, before we head inside, please don’t be intimidated by my brothers. They’re nice but they like to scare guys that I’m dating since I’m the youngest and the only girl of our family.”

Jaehyun remembered how nervous he was when he met the eyes of the five men; your grandfather, father, and your three brothers were looking at him as if he was a criminal and had committed a great felony. He only felt comfortable and grateful when your grandmother tried to lighten up the mood, unfortunately, your mom was out of the country when you brought him home.

Jaehyun was 24 when he had asked you to marry him on your fourth anniversary during a vacation in Kota Kinabalu. He remembered meeting your parents to ask for your hand in marriage, a few months prior to the vacation. He proposed when the two of you were watching the sunrise together at six in the morning. That sunrise gave you a new memory and a chance to spend your lifetime with the love of your life.

At 25, he stood next to you in front of the altar. In front of your family and friends. Promising you the life you deserve, promising you that it will always be you, until the end of time.

At 28, Jaehyun sold one of his software to a well-known business mogul. You were out of the country for a business trip with your mom that time, and he had no one to celebrate it with. Jaehyun spent nine years without a touch of another woman and having someone next to him on his biggest achievement felt… good.

And now at 29, Jaehyun was holding the manila envelope that holds the divorce papers you’ve sent him a month after you left home. Not only did he lose you, but as well as your little angel. The baby you’ve been wanting for so long.

One drunk mistake led to a lifetime of regret.

Jaehyun was mad; so mad that he did not bother to take out the documents you send. His hands immediately crumpled the papers. He went back inside; his hands clutching on his phone and dialed your number. After a few voicemails, you finally picked up. Your end was silent, all he could hear was the rustling sound coming from your sheets.

“Y/N, what the fuck? What kind of stunt do you think you’re pulling?” Jaehyun asked furiously, “Divorce? Y/N, have you gone insane?”

“Jaehyun, I think the reason is laid out very clearly. There is no point of us continuing our marriage-”

He scoffs, “No point? Y/N, this is just a phase. We can work this out. Come home and let’s talk about this, please.”

The audacity. You thought, you were holding back the urge to yell at him. A phase? What kind of stupid phase is this? What on earth is this kind of phase? “I’m sorry, Jaehyun. My decision is final. Sign the divorce papers and meet me in court two days from now.” You said, ending the call.

Agitated, Jaehyun threw his phone across the living room. The screen was smashed and obviously cannot be used again. Ten years, he ruined the perfect ten years you two shared.

Jaehyun groaned as he threw the duvet off his body again, hours have passed since you have sent him the divorce papers and he has calmed down for a bit. Someone was ringing the doorbell again. Despite not wanting to leave the comfort of your once shared bedroom, he went out to check whoever’s at the door. He wishes it to be you, but hell, the universe had sent him the last person he wants to see right now. The woman behind his failing marriage, Claire Park.

Claire was no stranger to him. They’ve been friends since high school, best friends to be exact until she left Seoul to study in a different country for college. They reunited when Claire applied to be his part-time assistant after his original assistant, Hanbyul, filed maternity leave for three months after giving birth.

“W-what are you doing here? How did you know where I live?” He asked but got a kiss as a response. Jaehyun immediately pushed her away. “What the fuck, Claire?!”

“I heard about what happened- Jaehyun, we can be out in public without fear.”

“No, we can’t and we won’t. Claire, we have to stop this.”

Claire stared at him with a shocked expression. Stop? Now that he’s about to be a divorcee? She thought, poking her tongue on her cheek as she thought of something to change his mind.

“Yuno, we’ve been in this secret relationship for 10 months now. You want to give that up?” Yuno. It felt so wrong to hear her call him that. 10 months was nothing compared to what he’s about to lose – 10 years with you. “Answer me!”

“Claire, this is so wrong. I don’t want to continue whatever we had; I have to win Y/N back.”

He closed the door behind him, tears were threatening to fall as he sat down by the door. How will he win you back- no, will he ever get you back? After a month of not seeing you, will he still have a chance? Even if he tried so many times to visit you at your grandparents’ house, he even spent nights in his car in hopes to get a glimpse of you. Why do I always fuck up? He thought, grabbing the landline to dial his best friend’s number. He needed alcohol, and he knew the perfect person to talk about this mess.

“I just don’t get it bro, you cheated on Y/N- for months, and you want her back? That’s messed up.” His best friend, Johnny said, downing a shot of tequila. “You’re my best friend and all, but I-”

“Johnny, Y/N is the only girl I have loved since I was nineteen. I- I don’t think I can live without her. Do you really think I can’t win her back?”

“It’s not that, Jaehyun. You told me that she’s the only one you love and yet you cheated on her, and you want to win her back. I don’t think it’s that easy, bro. I know Y/N, she’s like a sister to me and I know she wouldn’t give in that easily.”

“She’s my wife, trust me. I know how to get her back.” He said, downing another shot then stood up to party.

“By doing what? Partying?” Johnny sighs.

Your leg was bouncing, and your heels made a continuous clicking sound, you were restless. Only thirty minutes until your first court hearing, you’ve been trying to contact Jaehyun yet no response was heard from the other end. You were starting to think that he was doing this on purpose. Hell, I’m going to regret this. You thought, dialing Johnny’s number. It took a while before he answered but thank god he did.

“Y/N, I was just about to call you.” Johnny greets as soon as the call got connected. “Jaehyun-”

“Do you know where Jaehyun is? I’ve been trying to call him, but his phone is not reachable.”

Johnny sighs at the other end, “Well, I know where he is. He’s with me here at the hospital.”

Out of all days, why today? As you drove to the hospital Johnny had mentioned, you were thinking. The divorce papers you sent him did not find their way back to you, he probably did not sign it. Not probably, but possibly. Jeong Jaehyun is the man you loved for years; you know him like the back of your hand. Jeong Jaehyun has always been stubborn. As soon as you arrived at the hospital, you went to the room Johnny mentioned, almost tripping over by how fast you were walking, forgetting that you were in big shoes.

You were greeted by your husband who was peacefully sleeping and a smiling Johnny. Your eyebrows furrowed: Jesus, he looked fucked. You thought, closing the door behind you as you catch your breath. “What happened?”

“He asked me to grab drinks with him the other day. When I got back from the loo, he was already fighting someone, then he passed out – alcohol poisoning as what the doctor said. He woke up a few hours ago, he’s just resting.” Johnny said.

Jaehyun had a small bruise and a cut on his cheek, you shook your head. “Unbelievable,” you sigh, “He knew today was supposed to be our first court hearing.”

“I’m sure you can reschedule it. He can go home once we get the doctor’s approval.” He told you, “Are you sure you’re pushing through this divorce?”

And that’s when it hit you. Are you a hundred percent sure you wanted this? Aren’t you rushing things a little bit too fast? What if divorcing Jaehyun leads to one of your biggest downfalls in life? There were a lot of questions that ran through your head, and it was messing you up. For ten years, all you ever did was support Jaehyun. Build dreams with Jaehyun. Plan every single second of your life with Jaehyun. But in those ten years, you never had time to think about yourself. You never had a single second to plan your life on your own. You never built dreams on your own. The past ten years, it was always the two of you and never had a chance to be you.

Until last month. You did things by yourself, not thinking about him. You enjoyed the little things that you can do on your own, and maybe that is the reason why you wanted to push through this divorce.

“Why can’t I contact him? Did he block me?” You asked, changing the topic immediately.

“He smashed his phone when he received the divorce papers from you,” He answered, “He doesn’t want to do this, Y/N.”

You saw Jaehyun open his eyes and move his hand, he was conscious again and the meds given to him were finally working. You had asked Johnny to leave the two of you alone inside the room. It felt like déjà vu; just like when you miscarried your baby a month ago. The silence was deafening.

“Y/N, I’m sorry-”

“You’re so inconsiderate and irresponsible, Jaehyun.”

Jaehyun scoffs, “Me, inconsiderate? What do you call yourself then?” He fought back, “You sent me those divorce papers, you didn’t even give me a chance to explain myself to you.”

“You had a chance to explain that night, but you didn’t. You left, remember?”

Days turned into weeks, weeks turned into months and months turned into a year. It’s been exactly a year since Jaehyun last saw you personally. He tried contacting you, but all his messages were left unread, and his calls were sent to voicemails. The only thing that has kept him updated with your life was on the news and different social media platforms. He knew you weren’t staying in Korea, based on what he sees on your Instagram page, you’ve been staying somewhere in Europe for the past year.

Jaehyun once met your brother, Harry, while he was presenting a new work at the soiree that the city mayor held. When he was asked by your brother what had gotten into his mind, he was embarrassed to answer. He was with you for a decade, he went without a touch of another woman, it was you and has always been you since he was nineteen. While talking, Harry was calm. He wasn’t mad but he wasn’t happy either with Jaehyun’s answer. Harry did not disclose where you were staying exactly in Europe.

He still lives in the townhouse; everything was still the same there. The huge portrait by the lounge chair stood still inside the bedroom. The picture of you graduating university, the picture of your engagement, and other pictures of you two travelling the world together were all still hanging on the wall. The only difference was, Jaehyun was alone. At first it was hard for him, he was expecting that you’d come home and fix your marriage but as the days passed by, he slowly accepted the truth. He’s still determined to win you back though, he never stopped loving you and he’s not intending to.

Aside from noticing that Allure has been vastly growing and making a name internationally, he noticed how much you’ve changed since he last saw you. The makeup and fashion style, everything felt different whenever he saw you on the internet. You used to love wearing white and neutral colors, but now you’re wearing too much dark clothes.

It’s been a year since you filed for a divorce. You couldn’t process everything, you can’t even attend court hearings due to your busy schedules but despite being busy, you never stopped sending him numerous copies of the documents with your signature, but they never found their way back to you. Instead, they always ended up ripped, crumpled and in the trash. You were sick of his sick game and the more you keep everything on hold, the more money you lose; the moment you arrived in Korea from Europe, you instructed your driver, Jeno, to drive you to Zetta Tech’s headquarters.

As you entered the building, you felt various people eyeing you and started whispering. The sound of your expensive heels made people distance themselves from you, some even bowed their heads to give respect to the CEO’s wife. It wasn’t new, you were used to it.

“Jeno, go ahead and wait for me in the car.” You say, standing in front of the information desk. Jeno nods his head and walks away, “I’m here for Mr. Jeong.”

“I’m sorry, ma’am. I was told not to receive any visitors… it is obvious that you need to file an appointment to meet him.” The girl behind the desk says, she’s probably new her and has no idea who you were. In the corner of your eye, you saw another girl panic and ran next to her.

“M-Mrs. Jeong, good afternoon! I heard you are here for Mr. Jeong; do you need assistance on the 23rd floor or do you want me to buzz him to inform him that you’re here?”

You shook your head, keeping a stoic face as you walked to the elevator. When the elevator opened its door on the 23rd floor, you are greeted by the huge white sign that illuminates the name of his company. His secretary greets you with a shocked expression on her face but was fully aware of the purpose of your visit. She leads you to your husband’s office, and as you walk towards the door, you become nervous.

She knocked three times before opening the door, revealing Jaehyun in front of his computer. His eyebrows were furrowed, and he wasn’t wearing a tie. It appears he was having a hard time writing documents – it wasn’t his forte, just like tying his tie. He looked handsome as ever. You’re not here to swoon over him, Y/N. You told yourself.

“Mr. Jeong, you have a visitor.”

“Hanbyul, I told you. No visitors.” Jaehyun sighed, his fingers pinching the skin in between his eyebrows as he heard the door close. He reminded his secretary not to accept any visitors as he was finishing the documents for the buyer of his software.

“No visitors, unless it’s me?”

That voice. He hasn’t heard that voice in a year. Jaehyun stopped typing and looked up. You were standing by his door with a brown envelope on your hand along with your bag, smiling like nothing was wrong, like you never left for a year. You looked beautiful whenever he sees you on the internet, but you look breathtaking now that he’s seeing you in person. Jaehyun instructs Hanbyul to leave the two of you alone, and as soon as she shut the door, he stood up.

“So, you finally decided to show up,” he said, pushing his dress sleeves over his elbows. “What brings you here in Zetta?”

“I’m here to ask you to sign the divorce papers I’ve been sending you for the past year. They never found their way back to me.”

Jaehyun scoffs, grabbing a bottle of whiskey and poured himself a glass. “I’ve tried to call you a bunch of times, convinced you not to push through the divorce. Y/N, I’ve changed. Claire isn’t even part of my life anymore.” He said, taking a sip. “We can always work this out- we always did, right?”

“That was when we were younger.” You replied, “We’re adults now. Act like one and sign the divorce papers.”

You stood in front of his glass table, placing the brown envelope on top of his other printed documents and gave him a sly smile. He poked his tongue on his cheek, he knew you wouldn’t give in that easy which makes this much harder for him, but he wouldn’t give that easily. Think, Jaehyun. Think. “How about we go out for dinner and talk about it, hm? I’ll take you to a nice Michelin restaurant tonight.”

“I don’t think that’s possible. I’m a very busy woman.” You reject his offer, “I’m leaving the documents here for you to sign. Do not try to throw or rip this one. I’ll see you at Mark’s wedding.”

You turned your heels around and left his office, leaving Jaehyun confused behind. Will he sign the papers this time or will he continue being stubborn? How desperate are you to get out of this marriage?

“Y/N, it’s so nice to see you! I’ve missed you!” Mina, one of your closest friends from college and Mark’s bride greets you. She welcomed you with open arms, “So, I know how jetlagged you are from your flight from Korea to Manila and well, here to Pamalican Island, but I have some bad news.”

“Wow, this is the first time you’ve seen me in almost a year and the first thing you tell me is bad news?” You teased, “Shoot.”

She took a deep breath, taking your hands to hold, “Apparently, our wedding coordinator made a mistake with the beach casitas. Don’t worry, you have your own but… you’re going to share it with Jaehyun.”

Well, shit. You thought, staring at the younger girl with her eyes tightly shut – a sign of fear that you’d get mad at her. You are going to share with Jaehyun for three days, three days. The downside of that is, you haven’t been with him for a year. How would you act? How does a soon-to-be-divorcee supposed to act in a situation like this? It’s going to be awkward, you’re sure of it. On the bright side, this could be a great steppingstone for you to convince him to sign the papers.

You smiled, “It’s alright, you don’t have to stress yourself about it. I’m sure everything will be okay.”

You know the feeling of getting stressed before your wedding, you didn’t want Mina to worry about a small thing. Besides, it was just a room. You were sure you can handle sharing it with Jaehyun for three days.

A bunch of loud, familiar voices were heard from afar. The groom’s laugh was dominating the crowd. It seems like his friends have arrived as well. You turned your heels around and saw your husband, his hair was slicked up and was wearing casual clothing – shorts, a white shirt and an opened plaid shirt paired with some Jordans. You bid your goodbye to the bride, walked towards Jaehyun’s direction and leaned over his ear.

“It’s nice to see you again, roomie.” You said then walked away.

The boys started to tease Jaehyun as he stood there frozen. It took him a few seconds before he could fully register what you said. He knew you were attending Mark’s wedding, but he wasn’t expecting to share a room with you. Mark had never mentioned it to him.

“Dude, you’re sharing the same casita with Y/N.” Johnny said, smacking his head lightly as he laughed, “Oh this is going to be so fun; I hope these old lovers find the spark back to their marriage.”

Jaehyun didn’t see you all day. He was told you were spending the day with Mina and the other bridesmaids at the spa. When he arrived at the casita, all your stuff were neatly placed on one side with a note on top of your baggage that says, ‘try to touch my stuff, you’ll sleep at the hammock outside.’ It said, Jaehyun chuckles. The he noticed another note on the couch, ‘there is no way we’re sleeping on the same bed. You’re going to sleep on the couch.’ It seems like you’re still his Y/N after all, the same Y/N who gets mad whenever someone messes up with her belongings.

It was past 2 a.m. when you arrived in the casita. Jaehyun was on the bed watching something on his phone, he came back a few minutes before you from Mark’s bachelor party. You were holding your sandals and the straps of your sundress fell on your arms, it seemed like you were drunk. You were bumping to some cabinets. You met his eyes, you gave him your biggest smile and giggled.

“Ooh! Who is this handsome stranger on my bed? Did Colene sent you because I told her I was sex deprived?” You said, dropping your sandals on the floor and jumped on the bed. “Holy shit, you smell good. You smell like the cologne of my husband that I liked the most… the- the Tom Ford one.”

Jaehyun knew you couldn’t handle hard liquor, the only alcohol your system could take nicely was wine. He could smell the strong aroma of vodka and tequila. “You reek of alcohol, let me run you a bath-”

He didn’t finish his sentence; you hovered over him and sealed his lips with a kiss. If you put it into words, your kiss meant two whings: lust and longing. Jaehyun was taken aback by the sudden kiss, he didn’t respond back. Instead, he pushed you away gently.

“Y/N, you’re drunk- you’re not in the right mind to do this with me.” He said, “I don’t want to take advantage of you, especially if you’re in this state.”

“I was never in the right mind, stranger. I wasn’t on the right mind when I filed for a divorce. I wasn’t on the right mind when I flew to Europe. I- fuck,” You didn’t finish your sentence anymore, you claimed Jaehyun lips again. “I was never in the right mind, so Jaehyun, please… I- I’m giving you my consent.”

“Y/N, no, you’re drunk-”

You interrupt him with a chuckle, “I hope you were thinking the same when you were sleeping and fucking Claire. She was drunk too, right- umph!”

If anything, Jaehyun no longer wants to be associated with Claire anymore. He doesn’t want to hear her name, and most importantly, he doesn’t want to hear her name slip out of your mouth. Jaehyun connected your lips with his, his hand effortlessly unzipping your dress from the back, slipping it off your body, leaving you with nothing but your panties. Both of your tongues were fighting for dominance as you feel his semi-hard cock on your clothed pussy. Maybe it was the alcohol in your system but fuck, you went a year without him and his touch. You were desperate to have sex again.

Jaehyun pulls away from you, his lips find your sweet spot on your neck – it was your weakest point. He sucks on the skin until a love mark appeared. His hand was travelling all over your body, the other was holding your ass to keep you still and other was massaging your breasts. The tip of his finger ran over your nipple, sending shivers on your body.

“Don’t ever mention here again, please.” He mutters on your skin before pressing a soft kiss on the mark. “A-are you sure you want this?”

“I am, I’m a hundred percent sure I want this. I want you.” You replied before kissing him again.

Jaehyun pressed your body against his, his lips focused on yours while your fingers make the work unbuttoning his polo. Your hips circled on Jaehyun’s hard cock, earning a groan from him as he felt the sensation. “Let me take the lead, let me show you how much I missed you.” He spoke.

You nodded your head and moved your body on the bed, letting your head fall on the soft pillows. Jaehyun placed trails of kisses, from your neck to the mounds of your breasts, to your stomach. His hot breath on your skin makes you more aroused, whining out of frustration because he’s taking things slow. He was taking his time to make love to you.

“Jaehyun, can’t you just fuck me already?” You whined, propping your arms to see what he was doing. Jaehyun smirks between your legs, planting another kiss on your inner leg before pushing your panties aside. You let out a moan when you finally felt his tongue on your pussy, his saliva and your wetness becoming one. Your back arches on pleasure, hands gripping on the sheets while Jaehyun had his arms wrapped on your legs to keep you in place. “Fuck,”

You were writhing when Jaehyun hummed against your clit. Your fingers twirl his locks as you moan. Just when you were about to release, Jaehyun pulled away from your, discarding his unbuttoned shirt along with his shorts and boxers. His angry cock sprung free. He spits on his palm, pumping it for a few seconds.

“Jaehyun, could you just please-”

“Shh, I’m taking it slow because I don’t want to hurt you. I want to savor the moment.”

Jaehyun runs his cock between your wet folds before slowly pushing it in. He intertwined his hand with yours, holding it tightly as if he feared letting go. Both of you moaned in sync, his cock was stretching you out. Since this was your first time after a year, you couldn’t help but shed a tear. He noticed it immediately and planted a kiss on your cheek before whispering: “I’m sorry, I’ll be gentle.”

His hips were slowly moving, hitting all the perfect places. Jaehyun latched his lips on your nipple, nibbling on them like a starving baby. Your other hand pulled his locks as you moaned, he really knew you like the back of his hand. He knew your weaknesses and he knew you to please you.

“Let me ride you,” You murmur, “Please.”

He nods his head and pulls out of you, he sat on the bed, his back resting against the headboard and lets you hover on top of him. Slowly, you let him enter you again. Circling your hips as your hands rest on his bare shoulders, holding onto them as if your life depends on it. Your head falls back due to pleasure, and he took that opportunity to pepper your neck with open-mouth kisses. His other hand held you for support, the other found their way on your clit, rubbing them to put you in another level of pleasure.

“Cum inside of me, Jae.”

“I-I don’t want to; I might get you pregnant.”

“I’m on the pill. I’ve been taking it again. Please, I just want to- fuck!” You breathed, “I’m close, baby. I-I’m so c-close.”

Jaehyun took the lead again, rolling over so that you were under him. His hips were moving too fast, it was too much pleasure for you to take. Thank god the casitas were distanced from each other, if not, other guests would have complained about the sex noises that the two of you were making.

“I’m cumming.” He moaned

“Fuck.”

Jaehyun collapses on top of you, your skin and sweat colliding as you catch your breaths. It took him a few seconds before he pulled out, his white load seeping out of your hole. You were too drunk and tired, you drifted off to dreamland. Jaehyun stood up and grabbed the nearest towel, running it over warm water before wiping you clean. Though you left a note that reminded him not to touch your belongings, Jaehyun opened your suitcase and grabbed clean underwear and pajamas for you.

“Jaehyun?”

“Hm?”

“I love you.”

The following day, you avoided Jaehyun again.

You realized you were the one who initiated having sex and you were too honest last night. You thank the gods when you woke up along inside the casita. If you woke up with Jaehyun present, you would’ve run away. According to Jaehyun’s note attached on your forehead, he was with the boys. They planned to spend the whole day doing water activities and random things men do before they get married. You cringed a little when you read the ending of his note that said: ‘Don’t miss me too much.’

Jaehyun had the biggest smile on his face throughout the day. The boys found him weird and creepy. During the rehearsal dinner, you had to stick next to Jaehyun. Mark’s parents always loved the two of you as you treated their son like your sibling back in college. It was still awkward; at least for you it is. Jaehyun was treating you like his wife, his hand resting on your waist, smiling like nothing was wrong. Like the two of you weren’t undergoing a divorce.

You were so happy for Mina and Mark. The two started dating on their third year of college, you and Jaehyun were graduating students back then. In fact, the two of you set them up together. You just thought Mark would be a perfect fit for Mina, and now they’re getting married.

Mark’s mom tried to convince you and Jaehyun to join the dance floor, but you rejected her offer by saying you had blisters on your feet because you were wearing brand new shoes. She nodded her head and told the two of you; “I hope Mark and Mina will have the same happy marriage as the two of you.” Which made the atmosphere much, much heavier than it already was.

After the party, you found yourself at the beach at two in the morning. It was only a walking distance from your casita. You left Jaehyun inside the room sound asleep on the small sofa. You love the sound of the waves crashing against each other, it calms you down. Listening to them made you forget about your chaotic life, at least for the short amount of time.

“Hey, why are you up?”

You turned around and saw Jaehyun rubbing his drowsiness away then sat on the sand next to you.

“I couldn’t sleep, had a lot of things to think about.” You answered, diverting your attending back to the calm sea. “Why are you up?”

“Well, first, I couldn’t fit on the sofa. Second, I noticed you weren’t on the bed.”

You laughed at his response. It was so obvious that his tall figure wouldn’t fit on that sofa, the size of it was only half of his height. You turned your attention to the sky, the calm waves, the light coming from the moon and the warm summer breeze hitting on your skin sent shivers down your spine. It was the perfect weather in Pamalican Island.

“It feels kind of weird to think that Mark is getting married.” You said, “Do you remember the time when you and Johnny pranked him? Like, when you asked if he was spiderman because you found a spiderman mask on his study table.”

Jaehyun laughs at the memory of his old roommate. “Yeah, Johnny and I had a lot of fun pranking that boy. Now he’s one of the leading engineers at his job.”

“Can’t believe it.” You giggle, “That clumsy genius has a lot of tech companies running after him.”

The two of you spent your time reminiscing about the memories you made in college. Like the time where Jaehyun got so drunk, he thought Mark had jumped off their balcony at midnight – he cried telling that story, but Mark was just standing behind you. Beer pongs and game nights spent with his and your friends inside their dorm. Cooking and spending the American thanksgiving with Johnny and the whole group because he couldn’t go back to America. Random road trips and beach trips with them.

One night isn’t enough to talk about all the memories you shared.

“Can I ask you something?” He broke the silence; you nodded your head. “When… when did you realize you wanted to end our marriage? I know what I did was wrong but, we could’ve saved it, you know?”

“You wouldn’t want to hear me answer that question.”

“I do, we’ve been separated for a year. I think I can handle it.”

“Well,” You paused, “It was the night we fought after the Fall-Winter fashion show. I saw a stranger I knew very well. It was the first time I looked into your eyes and didn’t see the future; all I saw was the past. That’s when I realized… it was over for us.”

You feel your eyes burn, your tears threatening to fall. You play with the hem of your pajama shirt to distract yourself. “When I had a miscarriage, I was alone at home. I was alone during the procedure. At that moment, I knew you weren’t the same person I fell in love with. Almost everything broke me that day.” You sobbed, “That is why I kept asking you to sign the divorce papers because I know for a fact that what we had was already broken. We could’ve saved out marriage, sure, but I don’t think it’ll be worth saving. Seeing you alone reminds me of the pain I’ve been through.”

Jaehyun sat there with his mouth agape, he was speechless. “I-”

“Oh, look at the time.” You interrupt, showing him the clock on your phone that says 2:34 am, “We have a wedding to attend later, I’ll go ahead. Good night, Jaehyun.”

You cried yourself to sleep that night. Jaehyun never came back inside the shared casita. When you were about to prepare for the wedding, you saw him fast asleep on the hammock outside. He was hugging his leg and seemed like his body was cold. You felt a little guilty that you brought the blanket he was using and covered him up. You also left a note in his suitcase, saying that you were at Mina’s casita to prepare for the wedding. You felt bad that you were brutally honest with him last night, but those were the words you were dying to tell him.

It was easy to avoid Jaehyun during the wedding ceremony. He was seated on the opposite side with the boys, and you were seated with the girls. You were focused on the couple, even shed a tear during the vows because Mark had made a special song for his bride as his vow. It was so amazing to see your friends get married. That’s the feeling you missed – the feeling of being in love, the feeling of assurance, the feeling of being together through ups and downs.

During the reception, Jaehyun disappeared after giving his speech and appeared again after a few minutes. He asked you to dance with him, which you agreed to. It was only one dance, it wouldn’t hurt. All of a sudden, Jaehyun felt like home again. He was keeping you close to him as you danced to the slow music. He kept a stoic face; you could tell that he was hurting like you were, but the man was afraid to show any emotions to other people. The two of you let go of each other when the host announced the final dance for the newlyweds.

Three days flew by so fast. You offered Jaehyun to sleep on the other side of the bed, keeping a pillow in between the two of you. You didn’t mind it anymore. You took the first flight from Pamalican Island back to Manila. You were in a rush to return to Korea because you needed to prepare for the upcoming fashion week once again. On the flight back, you were panicking and thought that you had left your phone on the island – you didn’t, but you noticed a brown envelope inside your back. The last time you saw this was when you visited Jaehyun at his office.

I already signed it. I guess I’ll be seeing you in court. His note said. Maybe Jaehyun signed the documents when he disappeared last night and placed it inside your bag. Finally, after a year. You are one step closer to ending this marriage.

“Finally.”

Eight weeks have passed since he finally signed the divorce papers.

You and he would meet from time to time at the court, and tomorrow would be the last time he’s meeting you. The two of you agreed to sell the townhouse to a younger couple who wouldn’t keep possession of the place for a few months, though it took him awhile to agree with you, eventually, he said yes. It was much faster than his incessant refusal to sign the papers before. He couldn’t decipher what he was feeling, angry? Sad? Depressed? No words could explain the feeling he was having.

You? Your plan was to move abroad. Staying in Korea would only remind you of your failed marriage. Besides, Allure is now an international brand. Branching out abroad meant a lot of opportunities for you as the CEO. Though you were relieved when you finally had the divorce papers with his signature, there was a part of you that felt… broken.

You have loved that man for ten years.

You built memories and plans for the future with that man, and now that the two of you are finalizing the end of your marriage, it felt like you were losing a part of you. It was the end of an era for the two for you.

But all things, good or bad, should come to an end, right?

Jaehyun took another sip of his whiskey, groaning loudly as he felt the sting on his throat. His last day as a married man, and he’s spending it with his father in a known pub. Drinking as if it was his last day on earth.

“Son, I loved Y/N. She was a really nice, down to earth girl.” His father said, “Honestly, it wasn’t a shock to me when you told us you were proposing to her. I saw how you looked at her when you were young. Like she was the only girl in the world.”

Jaehyun smiles as he recalls the memory of his whole family meeting you and when he announced that he was planning on proposing to her. Oh, so sweet and filled with love. Where did that all go?

“I must tell you; I was really disappointed when I heard that you cheated on her and… you lost your baby. I’m not proud nor happy of what you did, but I hope you know that I’m proud of what you have achieved when you were with her.”

“I-I’m sorry, dad.”

“Do you know what the saddest part of life is, Yuno?” his father asked, “It’s saying goodbye to the person you have always thought you’d spend your whole life with.”

Jaehyun shook his head when he felt his eyes burn. He was about to cry but he wasn’t sure if he was ready to show that side of him in front of his old man. A few more shots of whiskey and Jaehyun was left alone inside the pub. His father had to leave early because he had a scheduled operation the next morning. One drink turned to four, four to six, and eventually, he found himself driving home under the influence. His vision was blurry, his voice was muffled but he managed to command Siri to dial your number.

It was two in the morning and seven missed calls later, you answered.

“Jaehyun, what is it? It’s two am.”

“I’m sorry if I’m bothering you but… I miss you and I don’t want to be alone at home, at our home. I just-” he sobbed, “I just want to be with you even for the last time, Y/N… I fucked up; I know.”

“Are you drunk?”

“I suppose I am.”

You sighed, “I’ll track your location. Please don’t move, okay? I’ll be there.”

Jaehyun bawled inside his car when he heard the call end. How could he let this happen? How dare he hurt an amazing, humble woman? Every time he looked at the rearview mirror, he wanted to hurt himself. He did not deserve you, he does not deserve to touch you, to call you, or even talk to you. Jaehyun has made a lot of mistakes in his life, but this was the biggest mistake he did. His biggest regret.

A knock on the window woke him up. It was you; your eyes were soft and worried as you asked him to open the door for you.

“Move to the other side, I-I’ll drive us home.” You said as soon as you opened the car door, he nodded his head and tried his best to move to the other side of the car without hurting himself.

“I’m sorry if I took too long. I had to pack my clothes for tomorrow and had to ask one of dad’s drivers to drive me here.” You broke the silence, starting the engine of his car. “If you need me, I’ll be at the guest bedroom, okay? I’ll help you empty your stomach and wash your face when we get home.”

The sound of your voice calms Jaehyun. At least for a brief amount of time, Jaehyun felt like he wasn’t alone. When the two of you arrived at your old home, you had to guide Jaehyun inside. His head was spinning and almost fell to the ground when he tried to get out of the car. You did the same routine you were doing back when you were in college, helped him vomit the liquor he consumed, helped him wash his face and change his clothes. When you were helping him get to bed, Jaehyun grabbed your wrist, causing you to let out a gasp.

“C-can you sleep with me? Not sexually but… just sleep next to me.” He pleads, “At least for one last time, Y/N.”

“Okay.”

You woke up before Jaehyun, a little over 7 a.m.

While he was still sleeping, you took your time to roam around the old townhouse. You haven’t been here since last year and you did notice how much it changed. It seems like Jaehyun was staying over at his office more than he was at home, you could tell that by running your finger along the leather couch and gathered dust on the tip of your finger.

The fridge was almost empty. He stored a few fruits, energy drinks and water. Along the countertops, he had ramen, some bread and coffee. Sighing, you had no other options to prepare but toast. You noticed Jaehyun’s presence, you gave him a smile. The two of you ate breakfast together, he even offered to do the dishes because that was your routine when you were still together.

Time flies so fast whenever Jaehyun is with you. One minute, he was enjoying breakfast and laughing with you, the next he was standing in front of the courthouse, minutes after the judge declared the end of your marriage.

He was so lost.

“Jaehyun, before you go…” You called, grabbing his wrist to stop him from coming down the stairs. “I just want to thank you, not… not only because you finally signed the papers but because you have me a chance to love someone like you.”

“Y/N…”

“No, seriously. You were the first man I have ever loved in my life for that long and just… now that our divorce is finalized, it just feels weird.” You chuckle, “If you’re given a chance to meet someone new, promise me to never make the same mistake again. They don’t deserve the same pain I went through.”

For the last time, you planted a kiss on Jaehyun’s lips. He could taste the salty tears that were falling from your eyes. When you pulled away and smiled at him, Jaehyun felt his heart crack.

For the last time, before you walk down the stairs as your driver wait for you, you told him: “You were my everything, Jeong Jaehyun. I loved you so much. Goodbye.”

Jeong Jaehyun was 30 when the person he loved the most walked out of his life and he witnessed it with his own eyes. He was frozen on the spot as he watched your car drive away. Jaehyun does not remember the exact moment he fell in love with you, but he remembered holding your hand and knew how much it would hurt to let you go.

But if letting go of you hand will make you happy and put you at peace, then he’s willing to let go.

If home is where the heart really is, then Jaehyun will never make it home again.

COPYRIGHT © THEJE0NGS. 2021. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

DO NOT REPOST OR TRANSLATE.

You wanted the protection the contract would bring you. Because you weren’t exactly the dim kind. You knew that being a young single mother in this country wouldn’t really open many doors for you. If it was any sign, your parents had been the first one to shut their doors. If your kin was quick to abandon, you couldn’t much rely on the kindness of strangers. Thus, though you had worked hard to survive so far, you had a cunning mind that told you that it was going to be an uphill all your life… unless you did something about it.

Jaehyun just wanted to secure his place in the family business. Because for whatever fucked up reason, his father wanted him to marry. Because old money farts still think that a young man is only capable once he has taken a wife. Otherwise, he is a reckless bachelor that’s going to drink and whore the family fortune away. If he had been just that, he might have actually found a real woman to love and marry. But he’d been too busy working his ass off to have that kind of privilege. 

So you had met through a friend. You had had a series of meetings in which you learnt as much necessary information about one another that would appease Jaehyun’s family and your very small collection of friends. Though no one on either side was fooled, and though everyone could see the imbalances in this union, you supposed you had done a good enough job because a few weeks later, the papers were signed and you had moved into his apartment with your son in tow.

And your ‘marriage’ had begun.

The apartment wasn’t small by any means. It was as decent a two room space as you’d ever seen and it had a sizable living room as the main common area. You liked that the kitchen opened into a little terrace that made the apartment look bright from the natural light. It was comfortable and homey and in a world where nothing felt like home, this was all you could’ve asked for. However, a part of you recognized that as comfortable as this place was, it still didn’t have the luxury fit for a young heir. Perhaps because this particular heir hadn’t inherited the fortune in question yet. It was still better than any place that you had ever lived in, so you never had much to complain about.

Jaehyun lived quietly in his room. He left early in the morning and came late into the night and your only run-ins (if any) would be on the weekends. Otherwise, Jaehyun was good at making himself invisible, even in his own home.

You would live comfortably in your room with your son. While you had pretty much converted your space into a child’s room, you had been a little more respectful of your common areas and avoided visiting them much if you could help it. Your son didn’t mind… your room was already bigger than any place he’d lived in before. It was okay if he couldn’t spend much time in the living room.

You and your son lived your lives, Jaehyun lived his. You did your part of the cleaning, he did his part. You cooked for your son and yourself, Jaehyun cooked for himself (if ordering takeout counted as cooking). You shared the bills, and you paid your bit of the rent. You hardly even ran into one another, and that’s how you liked it. Both of you would stay clear of one another’s path.

But one Saturday morning, your son had woken you early so you had no choice but to get up and make pancakes. Jaehyun usually slept in on a Saturday, so you knew the coast would be clear when you made it to the kitchen. You brought the high chair out of your room and sat your son on it as you cooked and laid out a lovely weekend breakfast for the two of you on the table on the terrace. But maybe you had been too loud whilst cooking. Maybe your son had giggled too much. Maybe the delicious smell of your cooking had flooded the apartment, because right before you could start eating, you looked up to see Jaehyun stepping into the kitchen.

Wearing a white t-shirt, grey joggers and with bed hair sticking out at odd angles, he stood at the sliding door and said, “Oh, sorry. You guys are having breakfast…”

You looked up, “Uh yeah…” you began, “Do you wanna join?” you added, only to be polite because the man’s eyes were fixated on the food.

Jaehyun looked at the spread on the table and you smiled as he swallowed. It didn’t look like the face of a man that would willingly turn down the offer of a meal. “I’ve made way too much, so please,” you added.

“Oh… thank you. I like… I didn’t have time for dinner last night, so…” he said apologetically as he took a seat on the table. 

Since you had moved in, this was the first time that you had sat together like this for a meal. You were surprised he actually accepted the offer. It should’ve felt awkward, but strangely, Jaehyun felt like more of a friendly presence than most of the people in your life. From him, there were never any judgements or intrusive comments about your choices or your failures or your parenting. The two of you could comfortably coexist without the burden of any sort of a relationship (other than the fact that you were married).

The three of you sat in comfortable silence that would only break when Minki would drop his fork or throw a tiny toddler tantrum asking for more syrup and some of your rice. Jaehyun ate heartily and observed you smiling as you alternated between feeding Minki and yourself.

He cleared his throat, “Um, how come… how come I’ve never seen his baby chair before?”

“Hmm? Oh… I usually take it back to the room in case I need it,” you replied as Minki grabbed your wrist to eat a syrup covered strawberry out of your hand.

“Doesn’t he… like… don’t you keep any of his things in the living room?” Jaehyun asked carefully yet curiously.

“Um… there are too many sharp edges and open sockets around… so I usually don’t let him out here unless it’s like this, to eat,” you explained.

“Oh… right…” Jaehyun nodded, looking back to his plate. He finished the last of his breakfast in silence and looked up. Strangely, in this moment, he felt like he should pay for this meal. Like now that he had eaten, he should ask for the check. The two of you never asked each other for favors; even if it were just a meal. All your accounts were even, down to the slightest of things. You were like two distant roommates, who weren’t held together by a marriage, just cohabitation. 

“Uh…” he looked up, thinking of what to say to take his leave. Maybe he could stock up on the groceries he consumed, but saying it out loud seemed a little inappropriate. So, he went for a politer option, “... thanks for the breakfast. I’m going to head out for the day.” 

You politely nodded and turned back to attending to your son. It was an odd sign off, because unless it directly affected the other, the two of you never had any reason to share your day’s plans like this. But as you would learn, Jeong Jaehyun was full of surprises. Because when you came home from work on Monday evening, you saw that the entire living room had been toddler proofed and a brand new bolster chair sat at the head of the breakfast table for Minki.

You hadn’t meant to iron his shirt for him. But you had run into him in the little laundry area of your apartment and you saw him struggling. 

“Um… do you need a hand?” you asked hesitantly, hoping you weren’t stepping over any boundaries.

“Oh… uh, no, I think I’ll be fine. I’ll just be done in a minute…” he mumbled, trying to touch the edges of the iron onto a bit of the sleeve and effectively burning it. “Shit…” 

You set Minki’s clothes down and became a little bolder in your offer of help. “The setting is too high for polyester,” you offered.

“I tried lowering it,” he answered dejectedly.

“Here, let me do it,” you held your hand out and he looked up.

“I can do it…” he muttered half-heartedly, so you just took the damn shirt from him and stepped in to lower the heat on the iron. You reached under and grabbed yourself a pressing cloth and placed it over it and got to work whilst he stood there, a little bashful and a little awkward.

“Uh… did you come here to do laundry?” he asked as he looked at the clothes you had set down.

“Yeah, I just had some of Minki’s things left to wash,” you replied as you pressed over the tricky fabric of Jaehyun’s shirt.

“I’ll wash them for you,” he replied with purpose and grabbed the clothes and headed for the washer, thinking this would call it even.

“Oh, no, no… you don’t have to do it,” you began, talking to him over your shoulder, “And no, no, no, not in the machine, please. I hand wash his clothes. It’s easier on the fabric,” you tried to tell him to get him to stop.

“Oh… okay… I’ll hand wash them,” he nodded and began to soak the clothes in the sink.

You felt a bit uneasy. You weren’t sure if you were comfortable with the favor or not. You had never allowed anyone to interfere in your business. But Minki’s? No one in this damn world could step in and interfere in his business, not if you could help it. As far as you were concerned, it was you and Minki against the world.

But they were just clothes. You had overstepped a boundary when you grabbed the iron from him. And he was only trying to return the favor because that’s how the two of you worked. There were no favors and no IOUs in this equation. So you flipped around almost instantly and pressed his freshly ironed shirt into his chest.

“Here, all done. Let me do this, because you have to use a different detergent and different water temperatures for baby clothes,” you didn’t look at him and took over the sink almost too quickly. But your tone had done enough to tell Jaehyun to back off and take his leave.

“Um… thanks for the help…” he said before he started walking away. If he had learnt anything from this encounter, it was that you didn’t appreciate help when it came to Minki. It set another invisible boundary amongst the many you two had for each other. But if Jaehyun were being truly honest with himself, this one broke his heart. Just a little.

Your workplace wasn’t exactly the fanciest of establishments. But it paid on time (which in your experience was a pretty important factor to be considered) and your coworkers were nice enough. Considering all the other jobs you had to do before, this one wasn’t too bad. Speaking multiple languages had its advantages, but being a translator was mundane and you spent most of your time in front of a computer. The biggest downside in this place, however, was that the office did not have an on-site daycare. Whilst you met up with HR on a weekly basis, begging them to start something that could help, you were also pretty sure that nothing would happen soon because starting an onsite daycare required spending some money and as of right now, you were the only employee with a toddler. Your only choice was to leave Minki in the daycare down the block. It was the nearest one you could find--but it ate up more of your paycheck than you could afford. 

You had considered getting another job to make ends meet, but the longer you would work, the more money you’d have to pay the daycare. You looked for some work-from-home options and found some and you thought that things would start to look up soon. But then you received your actual paycheck, marked down a percentage because the Covid situation wasn’t kind to anyone, and all you could do was sit at your desk, head in hand.

“How the fuck am I supposed to pay rent this month?” you lamented as dread filled your body.

“I’m sure your husband could give you some leeway this time,” your coworker, Doyoung, cocked an eyebrow. If anyone had the slightest inkling about your situation, it was him. He had found out by accident and had been kind enough never to bring it up. But you had almost been relieved that there was someone in this world with whom you could have a true conversation and the poor guy had begrudgingly become your confidant.

You sighed heavily and felt your eyelids droop as they sometimes would in times of stress. Doyoung saw the anxiety physically weighing you down and took pity on you.

“Hey, you could borrow some money from me,” he offered.

“Doyoung, your own paycheck has been marked down,” you nearly yelled at him in misplaced agitation.

“Yeah, but I don’t have a kid to look after,” he retorted logically.

You sighed again, but gave his offer an actual thought. If you borrowed from him now, you’d have to return it. Who was to say you’d earn that amount of extra money this month or the next to pay him back? This was a bad idea.

“I’ll just… let me think about it, okay?” you sighed yet again and realized that you just needed to get some fresh air.

“Okay, but Y/N… try not to stress too much, okay? You can borrow from me and return like, whenever. It’s not a big deal,” he added empathetically as you got up.

“Yeah…” was all you could offer him because your mind was still busy budgeting and crunching numbers and planning.

You mind ran a million miles an hour as you picked Minki up and took him home. You kept thinking about it as you fed him and bathed him and put him to bed. And later, you couldn’t even sleep because your mind was way too active and all you wanted was for it to be morning time so you could get about finding some more work. When you tried and sleep still didn’t come, you got out of bed and took your laptop out in the living room and started to put some rhyme and reason to your thoughts. You made a budgeting sheet and saw how much of a deficit you were in. Once you had everything down, your mind calmed just a little. The difference wasn’t massive. You even had part of your rent. But you lived paycheck to paycheck. You weren’t like those fortunate ones that could tap into their savings when a problem like this arose. Maybe you could find some work to do online to earn some extra cash and make up the difference next month. You weren’t sure how Jaehyun would react to such a request. You weren’t even sure he’d honor it. But you sat in the living room anyway, waiting for him to come home. You thought about what you’d say to him as you searched about for any and all odd jobs you could do from home.

And soon as you heard the telltale signs of the apartment door being unlocked, you shot up to your feet.

“You’re home,” you remarked and realized in the same moment how everything about this may look and seem. But your night was about to be completely sleepless if you didn’t get to have this conversation now.

“Um… yes… I’m sorry, did I interrupt something?” Jaehyun walked in carefully, like an intruder in his own home.

“Oh, no, I was just, um… I was waiting for you,” you said and saw the surprise in his tired eyes. The man wasn’t expecting to come home to something like this, that was for certain. You were usually in bed by this time, and Jaehyun typically dined on takeout or at least cracked open a beer before he went to bed. But you, still up, waiting on him? That was new.

“Oh… did you… did you want something?” he asked.

“Yeah, um… the thing is, um… do you wanna sit down?” you at least had the decency to ask because the poor man had literally just stepped in. He hadn’t even had the chance to take his shoes off before you had caught him off guard. So he nodded and did just that, although undoing one’s shoelaces seems more complicated a task when there is an audience. You had the good sense to look away when you saw his fingers lose their dexterity under your scrutiny. You used that time to take a few deep breaths instead. 

He sat down then, his expression confused and waiting, “Is everything alright?”

“Yeah, it’s okay, it’s just, um… my… my paycheck came today…” you began, taking a moment to think to formulate your next thoughts.

“Okay… that’s… that’s good…” was all Jaehyun could answer.

“Um… because of… because of Covid… it was a little marked down. So, like…” you took another deep breath and centered yourself so you could be a little more eloquent, “... basically, I’m a little behind on rent this month. I can pay two-thirds of it right now. But I’ve found some work and I’ll be able to pay you back the difference with next month’s rent. I just wanted to ask if I could do that. If not, I’ll have to take a loan from a friend, but I just thought to ask you before I… did that…” you finished, losing steam a little bit towards the end as you studied his face.

Jaehyun heard your words and tried to ground himself and really think about how he’d reply. Because truth be told, he was a little bit drunk. His father had asked him to take a foreign delegation out for dinner and he had downed a couple of drinks too many. He wasn’t hammered, but he wasn’t completely sober either. What you had told him seemed to be bothering you, and Jaehyun didn’t want to be the asshole that said the absolute worst thing in times like these. So he thought about his words through the haze that was slowing everything down for him.

Except you didn’t know he was drunk. All you saw was a man that was lost in thought. You felt your heart sinking and your pride swelling, so you said,

“I’ll just--”

At the same time he said, 

“You don’t--”

There was a beat of silence in which you took another deep breath so your face wouldn’t harden to the point of impoliteness. But Jaehyun spoke again,

“You don’t have to make up the difference.”

“Oh, no, I will. It’s just this month. I will make up the difference,” you pressed.

But Jaehyun looked at you and waited a moment before he spoke carefully, “Did your boss say how long the cuts in paycheck would last?”

“I…” you began because you hadn’t actually asked. You had been too stressed about the right now to think too much about the future. “I didn’t ask.”

“Most companies are struggling in this climate. This might keep happening for the next few months,” Jaehyun explained, but before he could elaborate, you stubbornly added,

“I’ll look for another job till then so it won’t happen again. I’ll pay full rent on time from next month, I promise.”

“Yes, but if you get another job, you’ll have to pay more for Minki’s daycare, won’t you?” Jaehyun tried to reason. But the more he reasoned, the angrier it made you because of course you knew all of this, but didn’t want to hear it. Especially not from his mouth, and especially when it came to Minki’s expenses. Who the fuck was he to speculate about the money you did or didn’t spend on your son?

“You don’t have to worry about that. All I’m asking for is a little margin for this month,” you said and you tried to clip your curt tone, because annoyed as you were, you were asking him a favor.

Jaehyun thought about how he was going to make his next offer. He knew you were a woman of pride. He knew you weren’t good at accepting help or any sort of a freehand. So he thought of how to offer help in a way that would make it sound suitable for you. Where you wouldn’t feel burdened by goodwill. But the alcohol in his brain was making it so damn hard to think right.

“Y/N… you don’t have to pay the rent…” he began stupidly.

“I can, just like, two-thirds--” you repeated stubbornly but Jaehyun cut you off because you weren’t getting the point.

“No, I mean… you don’t have to pay me rent while we’re… while we’re under this contract,” he finally laid it out.

“Jaehyun, look… this is just an inconvenience this month. I don’t need like…” you looked away to steady yourself so you wouldn’t raise your voice. You knew he was only trying to help, but you didn’t need anyone’s pity or charity, “... I don’t need your help.”

Jaehyun sat up straight, but instead of taking offense, he tried to choose what he thought was the logical route. “Look, Y/N. I’m not trying to help you. I’m just saying that the both of us wanted some benefits from this marriage. This is my apartment. You living in it isn’t incurring any extra expense on me. Also, we don’t have anything in the contract about rent,” he reasoned.

“Jaehyun. I don’t want to be in your debt,” and this time, you couldn’t hold back the venom in your tone. That made Jaehyun sober up some. And his eyes turned colder, too.

“You won’t be in my debt. Our marriage has to be mutually beneficial, Y/N. You don’t have to pay the rent. But in return…”

“In return?” 

“You’ll have to come with me to the investors dinner. They’ve been wanting to meet my wife,” he looked at you and the ice in his eyes matched yours. You didn’t want his kindness, so be it. He was going to play tit-for-tat. You asked for a favor and he would ask for a favor in return. No debts and no IOUs.

You looked away and considered it. It felt vile. It felt perverse. It felt like you were being asked to offer a service in exchange for a roof over your head. Like an escort, a woman for hire.

But you weren’t Jaehyun’s escort. For all intents and purposes, you were his wife. And from the onset of this union, you had agreed to accompany him anywhere he’d be required to bring his wife to save face. He had promised the same for you, though places you required a husband were far different (town halls and tax offices were definitely not the same as investor parties). 

‘Think about your child, Y/N,’ your right mind pleaded at you, fighting with your pride. ‘Think about all the money you could save for him. For Minki,’ and right away, the ice in your stature began to melt. Why hold onto stupid pride when this was your reality? You were a single mother, you were struggling financially, and your husband was giving you a way out. 

“Let me know when,” you said shortly and went straight to your room, leaving him behind.

That night as you laid in bed, watching Minki’s tiny silhouette in the dark, you cried hot tears into your pillow. You had never thought life would bring you here. You never thought that this is what you would have to do to survive. Why did you feel like you were about to sell your body to a rich man just so you wouldn’t have to spend the nights on the streets with your child? Why didn’t you feel like a respectable wife of a respectable man in a respectable situation?

Because he wasn’t your true husband and you weren’t his true wife and this wasn't a true circumstance. You had just signed some papers that had given you the title of someone’s wife. You had simply escaped the title of an escort based on a technicality. And that awful realization broke you that night.

Jaehyun had the good sense to not comment on how you looked that evening. 

Even when you had stood at the door, waiting to leave, done up all pretty, he knew better than to say something. These days, he wasn’t sure what he’d say to offend you. So he spoke only when absolutely necessary. The fact that you looked beautiful wasn’t going to change that. 

These days, he would try to be as invisible to you as possible, in his own home. You weren’t too fond of him as a companion, that much he had always known. What he didn’t expect was the relationship to sour with age, at least from your side. Then again, you had much more to protect than he did. The least he could do was stay out of your way, if his very presence brought you discomfort.

What he didn’t know was that in the past few days, you had done some repentance. Why were you so prideful, you had wondered. Was it because your pride had been hurt so many times that you were holding onto what was left of it with all you had? Your luck was awful, this arrangement was awful and the situation was awful; but one thing you had realized was that Jaehyun didn’t deserve to be at the receiving end of your wrath. He had never been the one to put you in tough situations. He had always been your way out. Perhaps that’s what hurt your pride the most.

You don’t really remember how you had arrived at this conclusion. Because in the past few days, your emotions had cycled between being increasingly annoyed at him to increasingly feeling embarrassed for lashing out at him that night. The fact that your hormones were raging out of control these days had nothing to do with it. But you had realized that Jaehyun was perhaps one of the few people offering you any type of kindness in this world; and you’d be an idiot to get on this man’s bad side.

So tonight, you tried extra hard to be nice to him. And by the time you were at the dinner, you didn’t have to try that hard. It was nice to have a night out, without work, and without Minki. Earlier in the day, Jaehyun had even given you the option to pick between a few babysitters. He had found them a couple of days ago and despite your stupid pride telling you otherwise, you had been a little impressed. And that feeling had swollen when he meekly told you,

“I, uh… I installed nanny cams around the house. If you give me your phone, I’ll be able to connect them to you so you’d be able to check in on Minki whenever.”

You had given him your phone and when your mind was inwardly appreciating the gesture, you pulled yourself together and asked your brain for a hard stop. ‘You have no reason to be impressed. We wouldn’t need a babysitter if it weren’t for his party,’ you told yourself. But the hard stop didn’t come and you ended up being moved, despite your better judgement. 

And now you were left admitting that you indeed needed a night off. You don’t remember the last time you had dressed up or gone out without Minki in your arms. It was strange to sit and eat the food and actually taste it. Not even the judgmental gazes of the people around you fazed you that much. Because the questions they asked, you had already foreseen.

“So how did you guys meet?” you were inevitably asked. You and Jaehyun had revised this in the car several times on your way here.

“Oh, a friend introduced us,” you replied, and there was truth in what you had said. Johnny Suh had indeed introduced you, though you’re sure he had expected a more traditional outcome from the meeting--that you’d date and fall in love. This strange contract of convenience may not have been on his mind when he matched the two of you.

But you held onto this story whenever you got the question and for the most part, you got through it, even if your traitor eyes kept darting across the space in search of Jaehyun because you weren’t sure you were providing answers that were the right sort of correct. And when he did rejoin you by your side, you felt an odd sense of comfort. How ironic it was that in the privacy of your home, you lived like strangers. But out here in the open, you gravitated towards one another. Perhaps because your lies protected you when you harbored next to one another.

Be as it may, it wouldn’t take a mindreader to tell you what most people in this party thought of you: you were a gold-digger. You were the woman with a child that had bagged a pretty eligible bachelor. You weren’t of a notable background, you didn’t have that fancy a job; just a girl that had shot above her grade and gotten lucky when the shot hit bullseye.

For some reason, this assessment (though no one had been brave enough to voice it) irked you. Because your marriage to Jaehyun might have had several ulterior motives, but his gold had never been one of them. Ironically, it was the other way round--Jaehyun’s marriage to you was to help him secure his fortune. But of course, these people weren’t going to question the young heir. A young single mother without a penny to her name was the more likely suspect.

That was when you found yourself being impressed by Jaehyun for the second time today. Because he artfully switched the narrative anytime the questions got too intrusive, saying 

“Honestly, I’m so lucky Y/N even gave me a chance,” or some iteration of this humble statement that made it seem like he had pursued you rather than the other way round as was on everyone’s mind. Not for a single moment did he allow anyone to question your integrity or your motive or your dignity. He wasn’t stupid. He knew exactly why each power hungry asshole in this room wanted to question you. But he utterly surprised you when he pressed a kiss to your cheek and said,

“I just feel so blessed. I can’t believe I have a little family of my own now.”

You knew it was for their benefit. You knew this was all part of the act. But perhaps you hadn’t been this close to a man in ages, because the gesture made your stomach do a flip and your skin burn.

‘Pull yourself together!’ you mentally berated yourself. But your body betrayed you, even as the two of you made the drive home. This time, you felt Jaehyun’s presence next you in an almost chemical sense. You felt the scent of him heavy in the car. You felt the heat of him as you stood behind him when he unlocked the apartment door and paid off the babysitter. 

And you realized. He was a man. The person you lived with under the ruse of a marriage… he was a man. And you were a woman.

Truth be told, you hadn’t been with a man since Minki’s father. But you were a woman. And Jaehyun was a man. And your hormones had been raging. 

What difference did it make? You were married, anyway. What difference would it make if you just…

If you just what? What would you even do? What would you even say? You had spent most of your marriage pretending he didn’t exist. And this had amplified in the past week after you’d lashed out on him. So, how on earth were you going to bring this up?

Were you honestly considering sleeping with the man you’d near-insulted in his own home? You were right. You were horny out of your right mind. You just needed to take a cold shower and call it a night.

“I’ve been thinking…” Jaehyun’s deep voice reverberated in the air between the two of you and broke through your lewd thoughts.

“Hmm?” 

“Umm… the thing is… I’ve been going through our contract…” you notice Jaehyun shuffling his feet a little.

“Oh?”

“Yeah… just for, like… just to review some things, and… I was just like… looking at some cases and… I just think, legally speaking, that our contract--our… our marriage has some loopholes. I just mean that there could be a time where someone might… although I don’t know how they would, but someone could… you know, there's always people looking in. And like, a contract is only as strong as the details, and someone could question… although, I don’t really know how, but I think we should do something about it,” by the time Jaehyun finished, his ears were burnt a bright red, like he was embarrassed at how poorly he had communicated what he wanted to say. Nothing he said made sense.

But you weren’t an idiot. You knew exactly what he was saying. Your body knew what he was saying. The heat in your core knew what he was saying. Perhaps your pride is the one that spoke, because it wasn’t prepared for the consequences of being wrong.

“I’m not following…” you played tactfully dumb.

“I just mean… our marriage is voidable, because… because well… it… we’ve got to,” Jaehyun looked away, the rest of his face burning with his ears, “Nevermind. We can discuss this in the morning.”

But you didn’t want to wait for the clarity that morning would bring. You didn’t want to wake up and realize how awful an idea this was. You didn’t want the endorphin rush the night out together had brought in to disappear and put you in your right mind. You were a woman and he was a man. And you both wanted sex. So just as he turned away, you grabbed his hand.

“Do you have a condom?”

“Yes, in my medicine cabinet,” Jaehyun replied, too quickly, too eagerly. You almost smiled at his reaction, but decided to nod your head instead. 

“I’ll see you in twenty minutes?” 

“Yes… yes, please… take your time,” Jaehyun answered and respectfully waited till you went in and closed the door to your room. 

Your heart was racing. You allowed yourself to lose your composure for a few moments just to pull yourself together again. You held a hand to your heart to help you breathe. This was a bad idea. This was a very bad idea. But there would never be a better time, or a better opportunity. You didn’t have work in the morning. Your son was fast asleep. Your chores were complete. Your bills were paid.

But most of all, you were a woman in need and he was a willing man. He was a safe man, a man whom--despite your strange arrangement--you could trust. He was a decent enough person, he had never disrespected you, and the two of you were in the safety of your own home. In the grand scheme of things, this was all that was required of a prospective sexual partner. It’s not like you could curb your hunger in other ways. You hadn’t dated in three years. You weren’t brave enough for one night stands with strangers. This was as safe a risk as you could take.

Before you knew it, your body had made up your mind because you were headed to the bathroom. You needed to wash up. Thank God you had just shaved this morning. You ran a washcloth under your arms and between your legs and nearly burnt your face off half to death when you opened your underwear drawer and realized that Jeong Jaehyun was going to see you in one of them. You picked a relatively safe one. Not that you had sexy lingerie anyway. But you put it on with your face still burning hot and a nightie over it and a dressing gown over that. 

‘This is happening,’ you said to yourself as you swiped a fresh coat of tint over your lips. By the time you went out and knocked on his door, your heart had calmed some. This was a need, just like food or water or air. You were a woman, and you just had a need. There was nothing wrong with having a need.

Jaehyun opened the door then with an awkward “Hi,” and let you into his room. He closed the door.

You had only seen his room once or twice, and you could tell that in the time you were washing up, he was cleaning up. He had lit a single scented candle (probably the only one he owned) and laid out a bottle of something with a couple of shot glasses.

“I thought… just in case we needed some courage,” he said, carefully pouring the drinks out. He held the glass out for you and you gladly accepted it, downing whatever it was in one go. And it did the trick because you cut off Jaehyun in the middle of his sentence and captured his lips with yours. You needed less talking and more action, because you were convinced all the talking was going to make you change your mind.

And Jaehyun put his arms around your shoulders because he’d just been meaning to ask you how you wanted to go about this. Whether he could even kiss you, or whether it was off limits. He doesn’t know why that had occurred to him. But nothing about the two of you was traditional. You were married, but you weren’t a couple. You lived together, but separately. You were in one another’s lives, but you were not. So, who was to say if you wanted the sex, but not the kissing? 

But here you were, and you had taken the lead. It had always been your choice. It was always going to be your choice. Jaehyun knew you were always going to set the boundaries in this relationship. And you were going to set the pace tonight.

And set it you did. You kissed him while the alcohol ran in your veins and added fuel to your desire. You smelt the aftershave on him. You inhaled the cologne on his neck. Then you stepped away and turned your back to him. For a moment, he wondered if you had thought better of it and were leaving. Then he saw you pull at the tie at your nightgown and flip the lights off and turn back to him, just in time for Jaehyun to catch sight of the satin against your delicate skin. 

You wondered if you needed another shot, but this was okay. He was letting you set the pace. You felt in control of the situation. This you could manage. You didn’t need the alcohol. So, you pulled him in by the back of his neck and kissed him again. You stood on your tiptoes and kissed him till you believed, truly believed that this was happening.

“You have the condom?” you breathed out and Jaehyun stuttered a bit, taken aback that it had come to this so quick. He felt something he had experienced as a child when he had to speak into a microphone in front of the entire school. It was stage fright. It was performance anxiety. Because he wasn’t sure if he could perform his best tonight--it had been far too long since he had done this sort of thing.

“Uh, yeah, it’s right there…” he pointed to the nightstand next to the drinks.

“Okay… do you need some help?” you looked down at his crotch almost inconsiderately and he felt his ears burn. 

“Uh, just… give me a moment…” he muttered, and now it was his turn to turn his back to you. He unzipped himself quickly and tried to pump his semi to full hardness. He tried to hold back the grunts, but he felt your presence behind him. You had found the lube on the nightstand and had slicked your palm with it.

“Here, let me…” you said and took him in your hand and Jaehyun didn’t have much time to react. He closed his eyes and his head fell back of its own accord and he bit his bottom lip just to suppress the keen he knew he’d let out.

Fuck, he didn't remember the last time a girl had touched him this way. This was much, much sweeter than his own left hand that had been his only companion for way too long.

“Here, sit down,” you offered and he nodded. You both sat at the edge of the bed; your face was focused as you worked on him, pumping him with purpose. Pumping him for a function. And then, what you did next took him utterly by surprise and he didn’t have time to bite back the trembling moan that escaped him. Because you had taken him in your mouth at the tip while your hand pumped the rest of him.

You hadn’t meant to blow him. You had decided you wouldn’t do that when you had come in. But he looked like he needed help. Maybe he needed more time to ward off the nerves and get hard enough, but the selfish part of you wanted to keep things rolling. Perhaps you wanted to keep things as functionally motivated as possible. Like this union. Like what had brought you to his bed in the first place. A primal need, and a voidable contract.

For what it’s worth, he looked like he was enjoying himself. Because he wasn’t stopping you, and he was moaning out. What man wouldn’t enjoy being sucked? You were doing him a favor. 

When he looked and felt hard enough, you stood up to rid yourself of the gown, and he sat up to regain his breath. He held his cock at the base for some respite and pressed his lips together to suppress the groan that would escape at seeing your lipstick stain around his leaking tip. How did you want to do this, he wanted to ask, but his mind was eased because the next thing you said was,

“Can I be on top? I just think it might be easier.”

“Yes… yes, of course. Um… do you mind if I… um, scoot up a bit?” Jaehyun wasn’t sure what he’d do with himself if you rode him just like that, seated at the edge of the bed. He wasn’t sure he’d last. He needed to sit back and relax himself. 

“Yeah, good idea,” you muttered and climbed in his bed with him. 

This was it. The point of no return. There was no going back from here. Maybe you should’ve taken that shot. But now Jaehyun was sitting back against the headboard and his cock was laying heavy against his belly, staining his shirt in precum, and you’re not sure you could resist. So you joined him and lifted his shirt over his head. 

He was more built than you realized, and you let your mind focus on that to chase away the nerves. He was a man. He wasn’t just your flatmate or contractual husband. Right now, he was a man with an aching cock and a chiseled chest. You’d never known a man to willingly turn down sex. You weren’t being selfish in your need. You could tell he needed this, too, gentlemanly as he was being.

You handed him the foil and he took it, as if remembering this was something that had to be done. Or had he expected you to cover him? You weren’t sure. But you needed him distracted so you could rid yourself of the underwear under your nightie. And when all was set, you straddled his lap. You held his length. You gripped at the sheet. You gasped. And you tried.

Jaehyun, who had his eyes shut in preparation, heard the effort in your gasps.

“Do you need help?” he offered, sitting up and almost reaching with his fingers to your core but you stopped him.

“No, it’s just… it’s been a while. Just let me…” you reached a hand under your nightie and rubbed yourself some, careful not to moan too much. Not to let yourself go too much. 

“I can…” Jaehyun reached again, wondering if his touch would work on you like yours had worked on him. But you weren't as generous as he had been.

“No, I got this. Just hold on,” you grabbed his length and rubbed his tip along your slit, as if to appease him, as if to show him that you were taking his help well enough. Jaehyun held himself at the base with one hand and placed his other hand respectfully at your waist, to offer any sort of help he was allowed. Then he finally felt your warmth on him as you began to open up to him. 

You couldn’t help it. You brought your hands to his shoulders and he brought his hands to the curve of your hips. You couldn’t hold back the first few gasps, but neither could he. Here you were, two people who hadn’t known intimacy in much too long. Two people that were married to one another, no less. Rusty and struggling, but finally making it.

Jaehyun’s eyes squeezed shut again and he tried his best not to move. To let you set the pace. But you were so fucking tight. Your warmth was making him feel things his hand could not. How amazing it was, being this close to an actual woman. He didn’t realize when his fingers started digging into the flesh of your hips or when you started moving on him faster.

You were gasping shorter, and Jaehyun opened his eyes, just to take it in. Your eyes were closed, your lips parted. You were moving your hips on him so sensually that for a moment, Jaehyun was pretty sure he was going to come right there and then. How amazing it was to see you in this way. It was strange; Jaehyun felt like a peeping Tom, though he was just as part of the act as you were. Then why did looking at you on top of him feel so perverse?

You felt good. It was nice to feel like a woman. To acknowledge you had a sexual appetite. And to have the hunger be quenched in a primal way. To do it in a safe space, with a safe man, with no consequences. It wasn’t a crime to sleep with your husband. What was marriage if not sex and a contract? This was fine.

“I’m just gonna…” you slowed your pace a bit just to rub your fingers on your clit. You needed to get off because you could feel Jaehyun coming to the brink. 

“Do you want me to…” Jaehyun asked, and as if on instinct, you almost turned him down once again. But you needed more. You needed the touch of a man just as much you needed his cock, no matter how much you were denying it. You nodded so you wouldn’t have to admit it in words and Jaehyun brought his thumb to your nub and rubbed.

That did it.

You trembled and held his shoulders in your grip and released yourself. You felt the pleasure coursing through your belly, and if you smiled through the orgasm, you didn’t stop yourself. It felt nice, to finally feel euphoria in this way.

It didn’t help Jaehyun that he felt your wetness coating him.

“I’m gonna come,” he warned so you’d get off of him and he could pump himself in his hand and empty himself into the wrapper. You watched his seed cloud the thin skin of the condom and you felt another curious need in your belly. But you looked away and let him finish.

The two of you sat there for a few moments, just to thin out the dense haze of sex in your beings.

‘So that happened,’ you thought to yourself. You turned to sit at the edge of the bed and slipped your underwear back on and heard Jaehyun zip himself back up.

What now, you wondered. Do you cuddle? Do you kiss goodbye? Do you thank one another? None of it made sense.

“If you want to--” he began.

“I should--” you harmonized.

Then you got up. 

“I should shower and go to bed,” you spoke.

“Alright,” Jaehyun said gently, then got out of bed, almost as if to see you out. “Let me know if you need anything,” he said, though he didn’t know what he meant by that. It felt wrong to just let you go like that, so unceremoniously. You had just had sex for the first time. Surely, there was something he could do to put you at ease?

“Good night,” was all you said as you took your leave. And perhaps the only thing he could do to put you at ease in this moment was to leave you alone.

It’s not that simple. It is never that simple.

Perhaps it’s why the two of you started consummating your marriage more often than you realized. It couldn’t possibly have been as simple as a one-off. 

After that night, the two of you had been far too disappointed in how you had performed. You tried not to be too irrationally upset at yourself. Neither of you had been intimate with another person in far too long… being as rusty as you were would almost be expected. So, perhaps you both wanted a chance at redemption, and thus you found one another again. 

As it turned out, practice did indeed make perfect. Because your next few times were much less awkward than that painstaking first time. The next few times started to feel more natural as your bodies started to learn more about one another and you discovered what the other liked and disliked. You have no idea how you had come to this place in your dynamic, where you were finding yourself in his bed over and over again. But who were you kidding? You were usually the one to instigate this conversation each time. Waiting for him to return home from work and then following him to his bed. Texting him in the middle of the night to ask if he was still awake and then knocking on his door when he would say that he was. 

Now, Jaehyun wasn’t just providing you a roof over your head, or the protection that came from this marriage. He also provided sex when you had the need. Jaehyun had never turned down any request you had made before. And he was hard pressed not to turn down any request you made of him now, though the nature of your requests was becoming consequentially more unspeakable. Still, he never denied you and invited you to his bed every time you asked till the most carnal parts of you were satisfied.

One night, you had felt so spent that you collapsed on his chest and didn’t realize that you had knocked right off till the sound of Minki’s crying in the next room woke you up. You had never spent the night in his bed before that, and you were careful not to since then. But it happened on yet another night and you were woken up in exactly the same manner, only this time, Jaehyun whispered,

“I’ll check on him. You keep sleeping,” and shot up. You’d been so goddamn tired that night, that you allowed yourself to make this mistake, at least for one night. You allowed Jaehyun to check on your son while you got uninterrupted sleep, and uninterrupted sleep is often the greatest favor one can offer a young mother. 

And that was the night Jaehyun realized that you were starting to trust him just a little more. Because you had never let him help out with your son before. As he picked Minki up and the boy easily laid his head on his shoulder, Jaehyun felt the sort of warmth he had always craved his entire life. Was this what it felt like to be a father? To be a husband? He wasn’t sure, but he never wanted to let this feeling go.

He softly paced and rubbed the little boy’s back till he went back to sleep. For the first time in his entire life, Jaehyun finally felt like he had a family. He tucked Minki in and went back to lay next to your sleeping form. He moved a strand of hair away from your face, just so he could look at you. You were his family. You and Minki. Jaehyun vowed to protect the both of you in heart, not just in contract. 

But that’s what it was, after all. A contract marriage. Because a few days later, you came up to him with a request he hadn’t expected. 

“Could I have the number of the babysitter you called that day?” you asked.

“Sure, I’ll text it to you. Why do you need a babysitter?” he asked, though he wasn’t sure if he was out of line in asking the question.

“Um, I… I’m going out for a drink tonight,” you replied.

“On your own?” Jaehyun asked out of curiosity. It was the most intrusive conversation he had had with you, ever. 

“No, with Doyoung from work.”

Jaehyun didn’t ask any further questions after that. 

He had been right. It was always going to be your choice. You may live together. You may be married by law. You might have sex from time to time. But in your equation, it was still not enough to make you a couple. Because you still hadn’t decided if you were a couple let alone made that request of him. And Jaehyun had never turned down any request you had ever made.

It wasn’t exactly the first time you and Doyoung had grabbed a drink after work. It was just the first time you had done so on a weekend, where it was just the two of you. He had asked, and you had no idea why you had said yes. Perhaps because you were an awful person. Because you knew saying yes would lead him on, but you did so anyway just so you could have a break from your life.

You were developing a wonderful knack for using the people around you. It had started with Jaehyun and when you experienced how good it felt, it escalated to everyone around you. You saw what men wanted from you and you began to weaponize your sexuality. You used Jaheyun’s loneliness against him to get what you wanted--sex or anything else. And you used Doyoung’s crush on you against him to give yourself a few hours of respite. 

In a fucked up way, you had justified your use of these men. Because you were just giving them what they really wanted, and they were pretty selfish in those needs, too. Doyoung pretended to be your friend, but he clearly had deeper expectations despite knowing your situation. He couldn’t possibly be nice to you out of the kindness of his heart. No man offered kindness to a woman without wanting something in return. Saying yes to his date was just going to bring you a welcome change of pace. And in return, he’d also get what he wanted.

He had taken you to a nicer bar, not your usual place, just so the two of you could feel you were on an actual date, not just a hangout after work. You actually enjoyed yourself some. Doyoung was easy on the eyes and had a pleasant enough personality, even if he tried too hard sometimes. You supposed you had been using him even before saying yes to this date. He was your only confidant, the only person you’d talk to about your situation, even though you could tell he had a crush on you. But you were lonely and he heard you, begrudgingly or otherwise. You’d tell him most facts about your arrangement, though you hadn’t told him that you’d started sleeping with your contract husband. That was a fact you were only going to admit to yourself.

When you left the bar and started walking down the street together, you felt Doyoung reach for your hand. And you gave it to him. When he asked if you wanted to go to his apartment for some tea, you said yes. You had no idea why you were being so reckless.

But here you were. Leaning on the edge of the kitchen counter of your coworker, in an apartment where he lived alone. The risk of the unknown was fueling your veins with adrenaline and suddenly, you wanted to play with fire. You should’ve seen it coming when he leaned in to kiss you. You had almost taken him by the hand and led him to this moment. When his lips touched yours, you even kissed him back. You were drunk in the power you had over this man.

‘Stop it. Stop it right now!’ your mind screamed at you. But your body had other ideas. Your body allowed Doyoung to grab your wrists on the kitchen counter and lean over you and kiss you. Your body accepted as his hands started travelling up the dip of your waist. Your body even let out an inviting exhale as his lips moved down to the side of your neck. Wouldn’t it be nice? To be bent right over this counter and be taken by this man? He liked you well enough. He wanted you. He had maybe wanted you all this time. You’d make him a happy man and you’d satisfy your hungry body. He might still like you at the end of it.

Or he might think you’re an easy woman who lives with a contractual husband and spreads her legs for any man on the first date. 

It was your pride that pushed against his chest and pulled him off.

“Doyoung…” you looked away.

“Sorry…” he whispered, inhaling then pursing his lips together. Like he wanted to say something else, but was trying real hard to hold himself back. You searched his face, because for what it’s worth, you didn’t want him to be upset with you. You didn’t want to lose your only confidant. So you offered,

“I’m married…” but it was maybe the wrong thing to say because Doyoung basically exploded at you.

“You don’t even love him! It’s not a real marriage!” he stepped away from you and ran his fingers through his hair in agitation.

“Doyoung…” you reached for his arm. He didn’t flinch away, which could’ve been a good sign. But when he spoke, his voice seemed strained. Like he was holding back tears. 

“I could make you happy,” he said.

Fuck. 

You finally realized that you had gone too far in your stupid game. As if in a sudden moment of clarity, you realized that he was an actual human being. And you’d been toying with his feelings. You hadn’t known how deep his feelings went, but toy with them you had. 

You looked at him regretfully. “No one can make me happy, Doyoung.”

“You know I’d try,” he said and this time he moved away from your touch and put some space between the two of you. “I could try keeping you happy… and Minki…” he spoke with the face of a brokenhearted man. Your heart clenched. It was nice to know you still had a heart after all you’d been doing. 

“You deserve so much more,” you shook your head. It made him scoff.

“I don’t know what I deserve,” he whispered, then stormed past you and into his room. He slammed the door shut.

You returned home that night, feeling like shit. For the first time in a long time, you felt like you needed comforting. So, after you had put Minki to bed, you sent Jaehyun the inevitable text.

‘Are you awake?’ you texted, and you waited.

‘No,’ he replied.

You stared at the message.

‘No,’ it read. A simple word. He had refused you. In one simple word, he turned you down. How strange this word felt, how curt, how novel. Jaehyun had never told you no.

But Jaehyun was another man whose heart you were hell bent on breaking. Guess he was smarter in how he protected it.

What was it that people said about the taste of your own medicine? It couldn’t possibly be sweet. Because you experienced the bitterness of it in the next few days to come. Your days became lonely but your nights became lonelier. 

If you were being honest, you felt the bitterness most from Doyoung. Perhaps because you had been more cruel to him than you’d been to Jaehyun. You realized now that the man genuinely liked you by how badly his pride had been hurt. He spent the next few days staying out of your way. He didn’t stop by your desk with a morning coffee for you. He didn’t ask if you wanted to have lunch together. He didn’t come along to any after-work gatherings if you were in them. He turned his cheek if you ever crossed paths. He pretended you weren’t there to the point where it became obvious to your other coworkers that the two of you had a falling out. Of course, in this twisted world, there was only one reason for a man and a woman to have a falling out, or at least that's what the rumors around you started to say. You would’ve been annoyed had the rumors been wrong. But they were all true. Doyoung did nothing to stop them. He wasn’t obligated to anymore. He used to be the one person who would always come to your defense if you ever became the victim of gossip or intrusive questions. But you had freed him of that obligation. He wasn’t your friend or your confidant anymore. Your arrogance had made sure of it.

You almost wanted Jaehyun to dose you with venom of the same potency that Doyoung was giving you. But you weren’t so lucky. Because Jaehyun’s idea of giving you the cold shoulder was a little more mature. All he really did was restore your relationship back to how it used to be before you began warming his bed. As if all those nights spent in heat beneath his sheets hadn’t even happened. Like you had never bared your bodies to one another, like you were back to what you were supposed to be. And what you were supposed to be was two people living under the same roof, practically as strangers because of whatever fucked up contract that was going to mutually benefit the both of you. That’s what you had wanted, wasn’t it?

Despite your better judgement and your ever present pride, you had in fact asked him for sex a second time since he had refused you. And you had been turned down yet again. How strange it was, losing that power over him. Over both of them. What illogical power trip had you been on in the first place that made you treat these men like the dirt on your shoe? How did that power even come to you? Did it come with the security of a roof over your head? Did that come from knowing that you’d finally given your son a better life? Did it come from you finally having the luxury to think beyond the primal need of survival? Was this who you were when you weren’t destitute and struggling?

Funny thing was, your libido didn’t even bother you since the second time you got turned down. How peculiar it was that just a few days ago, you had considered getting sex from two different men in the same night. It was a stranger discovery knowing that perhaps you felt this way because… you didn’t want sex from any other man. Because Jaehyun had never thrown any of your weaknesses in your face. Despite refusing you, he let you keep your dignity. You weren’t sure many other men would offer you that much slack.

It was in the way your heart did a somersault when he knocked on your door one evening. You all but jumped to answer, but didn’t know what to say when you saw his face, this up close after a long while.

“I’m sorry… did I interrupt something?” he asked, as politely as ever.

“Oh, no, we were just playing with crayons,” you looked over your shoulder to see Minki scribbling away.

“Oh, okay. Um, the thing is, I wanted to ask you something but I didn’t want to do it over text. It was kind of important,” he began and he spoke with purpose.

“Everything okay?” you asked, the awkwardness you felt being chased away by concern.

“Yes, actually. So, my father’s Will Signing is next week,” he began.

Oh. 

“My entire family will be there. Um… you have to come with me,” he said the last bit with some discomfort, perhaps because the way he put it made it seem like you didn’t have a choice. You didn’t, not in this case.

“Of course…” you said in maybe the softest tone you had ever taken with him.

“Great. I’ll send you the details,” he said and nodded as a sign off. But just before he turned, something came over you and you took his hand.

“Jaehyun…”

“Hmm?” he didn’t look at you.

“Are you… okay?” you asked, tipping your head to the side, just so you could see his face. This was a big moment, one he had been preparing for for as long as you had known him. How did he feel?

He inhaled for a brief moment before he turned his head to look at you. “Yes,” he nodded with politeness. And then he disappeared into his room.

A week later, you sat beside him in the presence of his family and his lawyers and his witnesses and God and saw as his wealthy father signed his will and declared Jaehyun as the inheritor of his business after him and the new CEO of his company. You stood by him as people thumped him on the back and congratulated him (for whatever reason). You saw as people smiled at him with daggers in their eyes. You bowed politely when his father told you that you’d made an honest man out of him and you smiled and nodded when his mother spoke of the responsibilities that came with being the “first lady” of the Jeong Group of Companies. 

It was a bizarre evening, and when the drink and food started rolling out, you weren’t sure this was something to celebrate. Everyone in here was a vulture that wanted a piece of whatever they could scavenge after this man died, and they did so whilst eating and drinking away in luxury. Your husband, so to speak, had now been placed at the top of the food chain, with the first call on the body and the biggest chunk of the meat. You supposed you should be happy.

But as you drove back home with him that night, you stared out the window with an uneasiness in the pit of your stomach that wouldn’t go away no matter how much you tried. These feelings were familiar because they used to be your constant companions before you met Jaehyun. You felt the uncertainty about what the next day would bring. You felt the guilt of being a lacking mother to your son. You felt the shivering anxiety of an undetermined outcome.

Because Jeong Jaehyun was now legally the inheritor of the Jeong Group of Companies. He had received what he had hoped he would get out of this marriage. He had no reason to continue on with the contract anymore. And that knowledge filled you with dread deep in your bones.

Minki had always been a good boy. By any definition of the phrase, you had lucked out. This boy ate well, played well, slept well and lived well. He very seldom threw tantrums you couldn’t handle. He was well-mannered with the people around him. He never went wandering about the apartment without you, and he followed the boundaries you had set for him. 

But today was an unusual day, for more reasons than you could handle. Today, Minki had been crying and screaming his lungs out, and you had no idea what to do. You held him in your arms and paced around and rubbed his back, but nothing you’d do or say would make anything okay. Someone had once told you that toddlers tend to absorb the emotions of their caregiver. And you knew today that it was right. He absorbed your emotions, because he couldn’t possibly have known what had hit you this morning. How could he know? All he could do was scream and cry at the uneasiness his instincts were inflicting on him.

Your son had never had too many meltdowns that you could remember. And when he did have one, you had always known how to handle it. Yet, despite knowing exactly what was happening, despite knowing that to calm him, you needed to breathe, you found yourself in a vicious cycle. The more he cried, the more agitated you became; the more on edge you were, the louder he cried. 

You knew how to calm your son. You knew that for sure. But what could you do? How could you tell a toddler to go easy on you because of what was impending on you?

Your brain was a tangled mess. How could you calm him when there was a storm building in your own chest? How could you dial your energy down when every bit of your body was on edge? You just wanted to give up and cry. You were holding on by a thread.

You needed someone. You were desperate. You needed someone who could be there for you without expecting someone in return--a friend, a confidant. You even messaged Doyoung, hoping he’d put aside his broken heart and just listen to you. You needed someone to listen to you. Someone. Anyone. But you had no one, and your son was crying and you felt like your mind would implode. One final snap and you were going to lose your sanity. 

It didn’t help that Jaehyun peaked his head out the door to see what was going out. He found you pacing in the living room, then slumping on the sofa as the little boy cried bloody murder on your shoulder. You knew it was an unusual sight for him. It’s perhaps why he stepped out. He sat next to you, a respectful distance away.

“Is everything alright?” he asked gently.

“He won’t stop crying,” you said, and your voice was thick with the agitation you felt, like you could cry tears of frustration of your own any moment now.

“Could I try calming him?” he kept his voice gentle and even.

“You could,” you said, trying to breathe evenly, lest you crumble mid-sentence.

Jaehyun reached in to take Minki off of you, which made the boy scream louder as he gripped onto your shirt, not wanting to let go. But Jaehyun was gentle yet firm. He managed to pry him off of you. He sat him on his lap whilst he kicked and pushed against him. But Jaehyun held him around the waist. Kind, but strong.

“What’s wrong, Minki?” Jaehyun asked whilst you tried hard to keep yourself together.

“Nooooo!” the boy screamed back on the top of his lungs.

“Minki, you have to tell your Mommy what’s wrong,” Jaehyun reasoned, but he got the same high pitched answer in return. You were worried he was going to hurt his vocal chords.

“How can Mommy help you if you don’t tell her what’s wrong?” Jaehyun looked him in the eye whilst he gently kept him restrained in his arms. And finally, Minki screamed back a reply, a different reply, something other than ‘no.’

“What is it? Can you tell me softly so I can understand?” Jaehyun's tone was authoritative but still kind. Minki’s screams were fading to sobs as he realized this switch in the power dynamic. Still, he held onto his stubborn act for a while longer and screamed the reply.

“Minki, Mommy and I can’t understand you. You have to tell us in words,” Jaehyun reasoned. 

“Outside! Wanna go outside!” Minki replied in sobs instead of screams.

“Very good, Minki. Well done, you’ve told us in words. Where do you wanna go outside? Hmm?” Jaehyun continued.

“Outside!” he yelled and Jaehyun shook his head.

“You have to tell us in words, Minki. Do you wanna go to the store and buy some snacks?”

“No!” Minki whined.

“Then what, Minki? Do you wanna go to the park?”

“Y--no! I wanna play with kitty!” he finally sobbed.

“You wanna play with kitty? Very good, Minki. Thank you for telling us. You’ve done such a good job,” Jaehyun took the boy in his arms and hugged him till he calmed. He stood and you stood up with them.

“Does he play with a cat?” Jaehyun asked you.

“There was once a cat in the park. He played with it,” you told him though your breaths were coming shorter. You didn’t want to crumble but you were right on the brink.

“Do you want me to take him to the park for a little bit?” Jaehyun asked you softly and you nodded vigorously.

“Okay. Don’t worry, please. We’ll be fine,” he nodded, attempting to calm you a little as well, as if he could see that you were hanging by a thread. But then, he turned away much too soon, carrying the now sniffling boy and leaving you behind. Before you could stop yourself, you grabbed at his arm.

“Minki’s dad is in town,” you finally blurted out the words that had been choking you, the reason your breaths were being stolen from your lungs and your chest was being constricted. You wanted someone to know that a dark cloud was taking over your life. A shadow from your past, a monster lurking in the dark. Your exhales came out ragged, like you were holding too much in, but couldn’t let it all out. There was no one to let it out to. You saw Jaehyun’s eyes widen for a moment. But he didn’t say anything. So you continued, “He wants me to meet with him.”

Jaehyun nodded, too understanding, too level-headed. “You should meet him. Does he want to meet Minki, too?”

You looked away, and took a deep breath in. It was getting harder to hold it in. “No. Just me.”

Jaehyun nodded again, “You can meet him. I’ll take care of Minki till then.” Then he turned and started readying Minki to go out the same way he had seen you do several times. 

You wanted to say so much more to him but couldn’t find your words. You wanted Jaehyun to hold you and get the words out of you the same way he had gotten them out of Minki. You wanted him to grab you to pull you together and ask you what it was that was making you feel this way. You wanted to scream and cry and kick like your son and have him calm you down, the same way he calmed him. 

But you were an adult. And he wasn’t your husband, even if you had signed some papers. You’d made sure he would never come close enough to hold you and comfort you with how you treated him. And now? Now, he wasn’t even obligated to be your husband anymore… he had gotten what he wanted from this marriage. So you watched as he walked out with your son, carrying him with the love and patience the little boy had always deserved but never received from his own father. 

You just wanted to give up.

You’re pretty sure you were having an out of body experience. You’d never had an out of body experience before, and you weren’t sure what it was really meant to feel like. You know that at the very least, you were in a dreamlike state. You felt too present, but like you were floating in space at the same time. Your legs felt heavy, but your head felt light. You heard the sounds around you too clearly, every whisper, every step, every breath ringing in your ears. But those sounds didn’t seem like they were coming from your reality around you, but from deep within your being. You heard them too clearly. Perhaps it helped in numbing the sight and sound that was closest to you.

You saw the man in front of you; the man who through a terrible twist of fate was Minki’s father. And you stared down at the cheque this man had placed in front of you, encased in a beautiful envelope. Like the elegance of the envelope was going to mask the horridness of the contents within. You may have been in a dreamlike state. But everything about what was happening was a nightmare.

You stared down at the strip of paper for too long, the storm inside building, threatening to reach its climax. You tried to keep it in. 

“Take it back,” you whispered. You didn’t want to speak up. You weren’t sure what your voice would do if you spoke up.

“Y/N. I want you to think about this logically,” the man said. Too level-headed. Too indifferent. The men around you seemed to talk logic with you quite a lot. Like you were the hysterical one and they were always the sensible, centered ones that had to pacify you.

“Logically?” you repeated the offensive word, finally peeling your eyes off the cheque to look him in the eye.

“This is good money. Think of what you can do for your son with all this money,” he nodded.

“He’s your son, too!” you hissed and the tears that didn’t fall threatened to choke you. You stopped yourself and looked around and shifted in your seat. You didn’t want this to be a scene. You needed to keep yourself together.

“Y/N. I know you’re not thinking straight right now. You’re being too emotional. If you want to take a couple of days to think about it, I think you’ll see that I’m right,” he spoke to you like a professor would speak to a student. Like you were an imbecile and he was the All-Knowing. You were bursting at the seams, and he was too composed. Emotionlessly, indifferently, dispassionately composed.

“You disappeared from our lives for two years and now you want to buy my silence!” you hissed yet again, and tears of anger you were holding back brimmed to your eyes. You didn’t let them escape.

But you finally saw the breach in his composure as he looked around, making sure no one was listening in. Making sure you weren’t creating a scene and tarnishing his reputation. As if your reaction was uncalled for, too extreme, too irrational, too emotional. As if he didn’t ask of you what he did. That he would offer you this money. And in exchange? 

In exchange, you and Minki would never contact him ever again. Because he had found an influential woman to marry. Because he didn’t want anything getting in the way of this opportunity. Because if she were to find out that he had a secret son, she could end his career for vengeance. He would offer you this money and neither you nor Minki could claim any connection to him ever again. He could marry in peace and get a clean slate, leaving his old life behind. Leaving his son behind.

“Y/N…” he said, trying to void his voice of the irritation he felt towards you, “You have a new life. I’m asking for mine.”

“You’re asking to abandon Minki forever with your blood money!” you swept the cheque back towards him.

“I’m not having any more arguments about this,” he turned his cheek and stood up. As if to add insult to injury, he placed more money on the table, presumably to pay the bill. You looked up at him in utter disbelief. How easily he was dismissing himself. Dismissing you. Just getting up to leave like he hadn’t just presented you with a life-altering ultimatum. “Think about it with a rational mind. Or at least think about your son,” he spoke down at you.

But that did it.

“How dare you,” you whispered at him, “How DARE you. You absolute swine of a man…” you’re pretty sure your chair had toppled over as you stood. You didn’t care. Not anymore.

“How dare you ask me to think about my son when you’re the one selling him off with your blood money! How dare you talk to me like that after you left him for the dead for two fucking years. You absolute fucking piece of shit, how dare you!” you realized that your whispers had turned to shrieks, that you were gripping at this man’s collar, that you had finally created the scene the both of you had been avoiding all this time. “How can you do this to him? He’s only a child!” you pulled at him. “He’s your son!” you shrieked at him, your grip on his shirt tight. You could feel him prying you off, but you held onto him with all your might. “He’s your son, you dickless piece of shit, he’s your son!” you didn’t let go, not even for a moment. If you let go, he was going to run and hide. He was going to leave into his new life and Minki would become only a skeleton in his closet. Minki would grow up with the knowledge that his father abandoned him. That he was worth only the amount on this cheque, whilst the new family he was going to start was worth much more. That he was paid off to be kept a secret for the rest of his life. That you allowed it to happen and did nothing to stop it. You were going to stop it. You had to.

“He’s your son!” you gripped at him and you were only half aware that people around you had started to pull him away from you. You didn’t let him go. How could you let him get away? You’re weren’t going to let him get away with doing this to your son. You were going to fight for him. 

But how much power could you muster against the strength of many? What force did you have in your arms that could fight off the pull of the onlookers as they pried the man away from you? What sort of power did you have? None. You didn’t have the power in your arms you thought you had. You didn’t have the power in your fortitude you thought you had. You didn't even have the power in your words you thought you had. You had power over nothing and no one.

So, he got away. Leaving behind only a torn fabric of his shirt in your fist because you held on till the last moment before you were kicked out of the restaurant. You ran after him all the way to his car. Kicking and screaming. But he got in. He drove away. And he got away. And you couldn’t do anything about it--not a single thing.

You could never do much, anyway. You had let him get away this time, just as you had let him get away the last time. You had let yourself and your son get abandoned then, and you let him abandon the two of you now. How easily he slipped from your grip yet again. You couldn’t even stop him. You couldn’t keep him, not even for your son’s sake. Your son needed to know he had a father in this world. But he had been stripped of that right because you couldn’t fight for him. You had no strength. You had no power. 

Come to think of it, you never had any strength or any power all your life. And life was a word you used rather liberally. Truth is, you didn’t really know how to live… you only knew how to survive. So how could you have fought for Minki? You couldn’t even fight for yourself. You hadn’t really done much in your lifetime but made bad decisions, one after the other. And now you were left to face the consequences of every single bad decision you’d ever made. 

How did you think you could do this all on your own? How did you think you could go through all the trials and trepidations of your life with no one to rely on? Who did you think you were? You weren’t born into money, you didn’t go to a fancy college, you had absolutely nothing to back you up but your constant hustle and your ever inflated pride. What good was that pride, anyway? It had never done you an ounce of good. And now, you could feel it slipping from your fingers, too. Because the whole world had seen you gripping and begging at the man who didn’t want you or your son. The whole world had seen as you cried and ran after him on foot, chasing his car even as it raced away from your sight. The whole world saw as you kept walking, even when the storm came, even when it started to rain so hard that you couldn’t see a thing. The whole world saw how you took refuge at a bus stop, drenched to the bone, but unable to move and head home. How could you head home? How could you go home knowing that you couldn’t defend your son? That you couldn’t fight for him? How could you tell him that once again, the two of you were left alone, only this time, he wouldn’t even have the hope that someone might come back for him? He had no one and you had no one. Everyone in this world had deserted you. You stared ahead, searching for courage that wouldn’t come.

And right from within the nothingness, you saw a figure in front of you. Like a silhouette afront the blur of the rain that grew larger till it came too close. But even then, it didn’t take full form against the grey of the storm. It didn’t have to. You knew exactly who it was. You had always known.

“What took you so long?” you looked up, unsure whether rain or tears blurred your vision.

“I’m sorry,” Jaehyun whispered and immediately covered your shoulders in a trench coat that enveloped you whole.

You were sobbing. You were sure of it now, because your breaths were breaking in your throat and your words were punctuated by them. “Where’s Minki?” you asked desperately as Jaehyun rubbed some warmth into your shoulders with his hands and made you rise to your unstable feet.

“With my mother. He is safe,” he tried to pull you into himself. But you held onto his chest and kept him back so you could look up at his face and make him listen to your pleas. 

“How did you know where to find me?” you couldn’t control the tears that flowed from your eyes any more than you could control this storm in the skies.

“Doyoung called me,” he looked into your eyes, searching. He wanted to know more. And you wanted to tell him. You gripped at his shirt like a broken woman, desperate and begging and crying like a lost child.

“Minki’s father…” you began but fuck, it was hard. It was hard to say the words and realize them as you spoke them. It made you cry more because speaking it was making it more real, “... he… he left us. He gave me this and he left us…” you showed him the envelope, dampened and crumpled in your fist.

“Shh… it’s okay… I’m here… I’ve got you...” Jaehyun held your face.

You gripped at his wrists and looked at him, “Are you going to leave me, too?”

Jaehyun’s eyes widened in emotion and he shook his head, whispering a single word, “Never.”

“But the will has been signed,” you cried and you told him all the doubts in your heart.

“You are my wife,” he pressed a sealing kiss to your forehead, “And I am your husband. For as long as you’ll want me,” and he brought a hand to the back of your head and pressed it to his chest and this time, you couldn’t fight him. You let him hold you and keep you warm. You cried into him because you understood the words he told you. You knew. You had always known. So you pushed back to looked up at him,

“I’ll want you forever. As my husband,” you whispered, though your voice cracked and your tears flowed.

“It would be my honor,” he replied. Because he had never turned down any request you’d ever made of him.

All you could do in return was to finally allow yourself to crumble. Because now you knew that he’d be there to pick you up. And that’s what he did. As you cried, he put his arm around you and shielded you from the storm under his umbrella. He sat you in his car and fastened your seatbelt. He took you home and sat you in the tub and bathed you so you’d be warm. He wrapped you up in a robe and dried your hair and when you implored at him,

“I want to see Minki,” he gently replied,

“Let the storm die down. Then I’ll go get him myself.”

How funny it was that he was putting out storms one after the other. The storm in your life, the storm in your mind, the storm in your heart. All because you finally let him in. Like he’d been waiting to hold you and love you, only if you allowed it. And now you had. Like a flip of a switch, everything shifted. You felt the shift in his touch, in your breaths, in the space between the two of you.

He took your silence to mean anxiety and kissed your forehead, “I promise. He is safe with my mother. He won’t be safe on the road in this weather.”

You nodded. 

How considerate this man was. How kind. How respectful. How honorable. You had never known men to be this way. Men were selfish, men only gave you respect when you were hard and cold, men would exploit you the moment they sense vulnerability, men broke you down when they saw that you had no way out. That’s how you had known men to be like. Yet, here he was, defying everything you had known, and confirming things about him you had always known but never allowed yourself to realize. You were married to him, yet you’d been blind. You had always been quick to throw away his kindness, his empathy, the love he was always willing to give. You let yourself believe you were alone because you never allowed this man into your heart. What a fool you’d been.

So you stood up and you kissed him. You weren’t going to let him go, not anymore. You weren’t going to pretend that this man was the cause of all your problems. You weren’t going to blame him for your misfortunes anymore. You weren’t going to let your pride get in the way of opening your heart and accepting his warmth and his decency. And in return, you were going to love him with the same kindness and patience he gave you. You were going to care for him and dote on him and be there for him when he would need you. You were going to fill your life with love and light. You were going to chase away the darkness and the storm, hand in hand with him.

And the storm died down, just like Jaehyun had said it would, and he brought Minki back to you, just like he promised he would. You took your son into your arms and you couldn’t bear it. You held him tight and you kissed him and you cried.

“I’m sorry,” you kept telling him, though he wouldn’t understand a word. How could he? He was only a child. How could he understand why his mother was begging for his forgiveness? He only cried in return because he saw you crying, so you held him tighter and kissed him everywhere you could. Maybe one day, he’d understand that you had tried and he might forgive you. He might understand why you had made the decisions that you had. But whether he forgave you or not, you were going to spend everyday letting him know that his mother loved him and that she’d be his shield for as long as she had the strength. 

Jaehyun let you two have this private moment, waiting on the sidelines till you were all cried out, then helping you prepare his things to put him to bed. He let you be when you sat on the floor by the edge of Minki’s bed, slowly patting his tiny back even when he had been fast asleep for a while. When you’d been sitting on that floor for a while, not moving an inch for far too long, you felt Jaehyun sit by your side and loop an arm around you, gently guiding your head to rest on his shoulder. He calmed you like you were calming Minki, then brought his lips to your ears.

“I’ll always be here. For you and Minki.”

You closed your eyes. Because you believed him.

“The HO? You’re really getting promoted to the HO?” you sat up straighter in your chair.

“I’m offended by how surprised you sound,” Doyoung quipped. 

“Oh, no, I just... Doyoung, that’s amazing!” you quickly backtracked and settled on just being happy for your friend.

“I know you too well so just spit it out,” Doyoung looked at you deadpan. You sighed.

“I just… I’m really gonna miss you so damn bad,” you finally admitted.

Doyoung’s eyes widened for a moment, but then he scoffed a little, “Oh, well. It’s all for the best.”

You looked at him and finally felt the intense pang of guilt you should’ve felt all that time ago when you had first met him. Maybe you finally had your humanity back. So, if your voice shook when you said the next few words, you allowed it. He needed to hear the emotions in your words for once. “I really wish you all the happiness in this world, Doyoung. No one deserves it more than you.”

Doyoung looked at you in surprise. For the first time in your dynamic, you had spoken about him, not just yourself. It wasn’t a surprise he couldn’t find his next words. You had rendered him speechless.

“You always belonged with the HO people,” you wiped away at the sneaky tear that had formed at the corner of your eye and tried to lighten the mood, “All snooty and uppity and self-important like.”

Doyoung scoffed again, only this time it was friendlier, any traces of irony and misery gone, “You know, if I keep playing my cards right, I might become your boss.”

You put your hand up in a mock-salute and straightened up, “Sir, yes, Sir!”

Doyoung laughed, “It won’t be fun being your boss when I’m all the way in the capital. I won’t even get the satisfaction of getting your death stares in person.”

Your face fell. “You’re really going to move to the capital, huh?”

He looked up and gave you a small, nostalgic smile, “I really am.”

You held his gaze for a moment, then nodded. “It’s where all the big shots live. You’ll fit right in.”

He smiled wider, though his eyes still didn’t match his expression, “It’s going to be a new start, alright.”

A new start. All the people in your life got a new start, though you weren’t sure if they were deserving of it or not. Now Doyoung was getting one, too. No one deserved it more than him, though you weren’t sure he was a person in your life. So you realized. This was a goodbye. He was here to bid you farewell. When your heart broke in your chest, you allowed that, too. 

“You’re going to be amazing,” you told him sincerely.

He looked down at the table, “I hope so,” he whispered and got up. You got up with him, your heart clenching for your friend. The friend who had given you so much emotional support, the friend who would carry all your baggage by just being a good listener. The friend whose heart you held so carelessly that you broke it. “Well,” he looked at you, “I guess this is goodbye.”

And you finally let the tears fall down to your cheeks. You held his arm to pull him to your height and you kissed him on the cheek. “Thank you for everything, Doyoungie. I am never going to forget everything you’ve done for me.”

You supposed you had rendered him speechless once again, because the man froze. Like he didn’t know what to do. But soon he regained his wits about him and stood up straighter. He smiled at you and stroked your hair once, “Don’t miss me too much.”

And perhaps this was going to be the only way you’d realize how much you really needed Doyoung in your life. You’d never really been good with making and keeping friends, and still he had been that one person that never asked you for much. Kim Doyoung might have become your friend and confidant by accident, but he let you vent to him every single time without fail. Did he ever vent to you? You couldn’t remember. All your exchanges with him were utterly selfish. You took from him and never gave. And he let it be that way till he couldn’t. But you needed him and you were going to feel the absence of him. Because you had hurt his pride, and he had let you go. He had decided to let you go when you messaged him for help and he thought it wasn’t his place to help you anymore, but your husband’s. You might’ve been blind, but he wasn’t and he saw what you couldn’t and it hurt his pride; and when he left, you never heard from him ever again.

It was a lesson learnt. Real people had real feelings. Actions had consequences. Relationships were hard work. You had known these clichés all your life, but never truly known them. You had never really thought much outside of yourself and your need to survive. You saw everyone around you as people that either wanted to take from you or people you wanted to take from. You had done all it took to keep your head above water. From staying with your infant son with a man that didn’t want either of you; to begging your parents to help you whilst you found a job to support the two of you. From going door to door to all your friends, asking for a place to stay; to marrying a man you hardly knew just so your son could live with dignity even if all your decisions had been questionable to say the least. 

Maybe being reduced to fighting for primal needs took away from other aspects of your humanity. Like kindness. When was the last time you had been kind to another person without wanting something in return? You couldn’t recall. Like empathy. When was the last time you put yourself in someone else’s shoes and felt their pain? You weren’t sure. Like respect. When was the last time you had admired someone for what they did or how they lived? You didn’t know.

You hadn’t really been living. It’s like the past few years stripped you of who you were. You had lost your identity, not just your humanity. But finally, miraculously, it was coming back. Because the tears you cried when you saw your friend walking away were just for him. You were happy for the life he had ahead of him and sad that you weren’t going to see him again. It was a miracle to feel human again. To know you still had a heart that could feel joy and sorrow for someone else. It was exhilarating to experience the consequences of your actions. It was reassuring to go through the emotions that well adjusted members of society have for one another. And in this moment, you closed your eyes and thought only of your husband. For giving you the space to finally feel human again.

Jaehyun never thought he’d be the clingy type. Then again, he hadn’t really been in a true relationship before. How could he have possibly known this about himself when he had never honestly put himself in this position before? But the sweet pleasure that came with domestic bliss was unlike any he could’ve imagined. The mellow contentment he was feeling just resting his head on his wife’s chest was nothing he had ever experienced before. The fact that you were lazily running your fingers in his scalp wasn’t helping the drunken haze he felt. 

“Do you wanna lay in bed properly? You could take a quick nap,” you suggested, kissing the top of his head. The couch wasn’t big enough for his tall form, but that’s where he had found you and that’s where he had decided to settle in.

“Mm mm,” Jaehyun hummed in the negative, “I don’t want to move,” he mumbled and tightened his arms around your middle as if to drive the point home. 

“You did a good job today, setting up the crib all by yourself,” you smiled at his tired form. Moving into your new house was tough work with both of your schedules. You didn’t even want to look at the piles of cardboard boxes that littered most of the living room where the two of you lounged. Jaehyun had done most of the heavy lifting, but the simple prospect of having to organize them over the next few days was already tiring you out.

“I did a good job?” Jaehyun lifted his sleep head up from your chest, smiling expectantly as he looked up.

“You did,” you smiled back, because who were you kidding? You were a simple girl with simple tastes. Watching your husband become a handyman was a basic fantasy and you hadn’t denied yourself the luxury of ogling at the muscles in his back rippling through his shirt as he worked.

“Then can I have a kiss?” he asked shamelessly, despite the sleep in his state.

You laughed. But you leaned in and kissed his lips. He had earned it, anyway. He’d taken a day off from work so the two of you could finally start setting up your new home. Minki’s room had been the first you had chosen to finish. It’s the first time your little boy had gotten his own room and you both had set it up with all the love you had in your hearts. Jaehyun had gotten so many toys that you had argued they wouldn’t fit. But he was determined and stubborn and had found a place for all the things he had bought. No wonder he was so tired now. Lazing about on the couch, cuddled into you.

Minki toddled towards you then, holding onto the sheet of paper he had been scribbling away at with his brand new set of crayons. He pressed it into Jaehyun’s face, wanting his attention.

“Not now, my love. Daddy is sleeping,” you whispered at him with a finger on your lip, smiling.

But Jaehyun never had it in him to tell him no. Though his eyes were droopy and his body heavy, he held the paper with both his hands and gave the boy all the encouragement he could muster for his little creation and promised that he would put it up on the refrigerator proudly. Then he scooped the boy into his arms and tucked him into the couch as well, muttering, “Nap time,” and miraculously, Minki giggled but gave in.

Your legs were going to be numb in a moment, you were sure of it because the two boys had pretty much decided that on top of you was a fairly suitable napping spot. You didn’t move, though, not for a single moment. Jaehyun had slid over to tuck himself under your arm and over your chest and Minki effectively used your belly as a pillow and buried his face into Jaehyun. You reached over to stroke your son’s head because your lips couldn’t reach him. But they reached Jaehyun’s forehead just fine. If you could stay like this forever, you would. Right here in this moment, without changing a thing. 

“Here it is. The first snow,” you whispered. You didn’t get a reply because Jaehyun’s eyes had closed. So you marveled at the window of your new home. Finally, after all the years of wishing and hoping, the first snow had brought for you a new tomorrow. A happier life. A life with love. You smiled at it and prayed a silent thank you and let your eyes close, too. No one wishes at the snow, but you’re glad you did all those years.

When Jaehyun woke from his nap, he found you asleep, so he got up carefully and carried Minki into his new room and tucked him in. So many years he had spent wishing at the snow to give him his own family. And now he had it. He felt your presence at the door frame and turned around, pressing a finger to his lips. He tiptoed out and held your hand and you walked together in companionable silence, unbeknownst to the other that you were just two snow wishers who found their dreams in each other.

So he made love to you that night on the mattress on the floor of the room you hadn’t even set up yet. You were going to. You were going to set it up hand in hand and fill it with love and happiness and all the human moments you were going to live together. You had found a harbor in Jaehyun, but it was his dreams that had come the truest. Too many years he had longed to be a husband and a father, and never thought he’d live to see that day in truth. But slowly and surely, you let him in. Little by little, letting him love you the way he had always envisioned he would love his family. His dreams came true. His snow wishes came true. His marriage came true. His love came true.

Jaehyun is sure he’s imagining things.

Okay, well, maybe he’s not completely sure, but oh does he want to be. See, if he were to be imagining things, he’d simply be able to put a record into his player, focus on the music, close the book he’s been trying to read for the past few minutes, and have some time to himself. If he were imagining things, simply hearing your voice inside his head, seeing you dancing before his eyes in the sweetest of fantasies, then maybe, just maybe, he could think of a way to release the pent up tension that has his hands shaking by his sides.

The feeling in his chest though, the sound of his heart thumping violently against his ears and the heat rising to his cheeks really, unfortunately, lets him know he’s been hearing things right. And, God, as much as he likes being right, Jaehyun finds himself wishing that the sweet little moans coming from the room next door were as much of a dream as they had been ever since he had moved in with you.

He wonders how it all began, but deep down, he knows it had all been brewing from way back. A happy coincidence, an advertisement for a free room in a complex near campus, printed in a brightly-colored flyer that had caught his eye after his last medieval literature lecture of the semester and led him straight to you.

Enter Jaehyun, a last year literature student, desperately looking for a new place to live in after his best friend and roommate graduated from college and moved across the city. Enter you, a last year architecture student, desperately looking for a new roommate after your best friend, a quiet man named Dong Sicheng, agreed to move in with his girlfriend, leaving you with a free room and full rent deposit to pay.

And really, ignoring the almost immediate sexual tension, everything had started out well, but sadly, a line came to form between you and Jaehyun that the two of you had been too cautious to cross. Living together, and especially with all the pressures of a busy semester and a near graduation, was hard enough on its own to then add any sort of roommate drama on top. So you became friends.

Sure, friends who check each other out before leaving the house. Friends who look at each other during kiss scenes in movies wishing they could be brave enough to admit their feelings for each other, but still being careful enough so that the other person doesn’t meet their eyes. Friends who hug each other for a little longer than they should. Friends who hold onto the accidental hand grazing that came with handing each other a cup of freshly-brewed coffee in the mornings. And yeah, friends who have made out once or twice when going out partying, but friends nonetheless. Friends and nothing more.

“Fuck,” Jaehyun breathes out as he hears you cry out a little louder, feeling himself becoming hard under his light gray sweatpants. Do you even know he’s home?

He doesn’t even notice the moment he gets up from his bed, his copy of von Goethe’s Selected Poetry laying long forgotten on his bed. It’s almost as if his mind is blank, suddenly becoming a wandering man following your voice like a map that will finally bring him home. He walks faster than he can think and feels deeper than he can reason, and he’s not completely sure of how he’s gotten there, but he’s suddenly standing outside of your door with a tent in his pants and a hand balled up and ready to knock.

“Oh, God,” he hears, and he nearly has to pinch himself in the arm to make sure he’s not dreaming, as much as everything about the situation feels like a dream, because as soon as he’s there he notices the door isn’t closed.

It’s not wide open either, but rather somewhere in between, and Jaehyun quickly tries to find a place where he’s not visible from the inside. His breath gets caught in his throat, trying to tell himself that he should go back to his room and lock the door, leaving you alone in such an intimate moment but for some reason, he can’t bear to look away.

He wonders if he’s ever gonna get you out of his mind, or if you’re engraving yourself in the very deep, a friend, a crush, suddenly becoming a muse he’s set and ready to adore for as long as he’s living. He sees you laying down on your bed, bare naked, a light layer of sweat resting upon your skin and making you look like you’re glowing, a sort of vision like that of an oasis for a man who’s dying of thirst. It’s like you’ve bewitched him, like you’ve sung a siren song and pulled him to the deepest corners of the ocean, and he knows, deep down, that he’d follow you even if you were. He’d let himself be enchanted by you, any day and any way, because you’re magic in and out of yourself.

He drinks you up, bit by bit, moan by moan, trying to hold back one of his own as he grabs at his crotch, letting out a loud breath at the touch.

And you hear him, because your hand stops for a brief moment while you turn to look at the man standing outside your door. He’s some sort of desperate, knowing he’s caught, and knowing he should run away before you’ve given yourself time to react to him seeing you like this, but he doesn’t. He stands his ground, praying that you won’t stop singing, that you won’t break your spell, because he’s too far gone to let himself free. He wants to adore you the way a muse should be, venerate your body like you’re the highest form of art, let himself be devoted to you like his soul is telling him to.

“Sorry, I —”

“If you’re gonna watch, then you might as well have some fun too,” you whisper, quickly brushing your discarded brassiere off your bed and onto the hardwood floor. Jaehyun’s eyes follow the garment, taking it the entirety of its bright red lace, and he gulps as he feels his throat go dry. “If you’re hard enough yet, you know.”

He doesn’t find the words to respond, or, at least, the courage to actually speak them, but he takes a step into your room and closes the door behind him. He takes note of the music playing from your computer, propped up on your desk, not that far away from you, and he wonders if maybe you had been thinking of him while listening, because he recognizes the song and knows he’s thought of you while doing the same.

Looking away from your desk, his eyes meet yours once again, and Jaehyun can do nothing else but stare.

He finds his hand traveling lower and lower, somehow still entranced by your words, your shameless invitation and your watchful eyes, staring at him in the exact same way he's staring at you. He’s not sure if you’re both gonna end up regretting this, once the lust has faded and the adrenaline has run out, having to live with each other and see your faces every day, remembering just how desperate you had been in finding relief while using each other as an inspiration.

“Can I?” He asks, voice softer than the moment would ask for. He doesn’t elaborate, walking closer to your bed and nudging at the empty space right next to you.

You nod, scooting over to the other side of the bed as he comes to sit down next to you. He begins taking off his sweats, taking his time with the piece of clothing in what you assume is a method of seduction, but really, it’s really just him trying to hide the nervous shake in his hands that came with the adrenaline. He wants to appear smoother than he is, pretending he hasn’t been dreaming of being so close to you from the past few months, but the reddening of his ears gives him away. Or it would, at least, if you had noticed.

He lets the sweats fall down to the floor, joining your discarded lingerie, and moves so his bare arm touches yours as he falls into place. The movement of the bed, combined with the non-stopping movements of your fingers against your core has you producing a soft moan, one you don’t even try to hold back, mind completely fogged up with the only sense of clarity coming from Jaehyun’s skin brushing against yours.

“Fuck,” he hears you whisper, head thrown back as you let little whimpers roll off your lips without a care in the world. “This is s-so hot.”

Jaehyun agrees, but words are stuck in his throat as he moves his hand inside his boxers. He’s not sure if he’s simply imagining it or if his body temperature has actually risen, but as he grazes his fingers over his cock, the skin almost but burns at the touch. His eyelids flutter close, and he’s grateful he had sat right next to you on the bed, letting his back relax onto the headboard.

“I-I’m gonna take them off,” he says, fingers toying with the elastic rim of his boxers. “They feel too tight.”

You turn to look at him, lowering the motions of your hand to slow down but not stopping them altogether. Your fingers still graze upon your clit, allowing your body to take a breath as you watch Jaehyun slowly removing the fabric off his body. It feels like a waiting game, and you wonder if he’s doing it to purposefully tease you as some sort of revenge for the loud moaning that had brought him here in the first place. Or maybe he’s doing it to tease himself, letting the linen run down his shaft as some sort of caress; never enough to actually please, more than necessary to build up the tension in his stomach.

He does it, finally, after what feels like an eternity for the both of you, letting his dick spring free against his stomach. He’s rock hard, tip red and already leaking pre-cum, and your movements on your core speed up ever so slightly at the thought of putting him in your mouth. He lets out a sigh of relief at finally being free from restraints, cool air hitting his skin and making him wince. His hands fall down his sides as he lets his head hang back, closing his eyes and breathing deeply. He likes the waiting, letting the pressure rise until he can practically feel himself throbbing against nothing but the cool wisps of air coming from your open window.

“God, Jae, you’re so hot,” you whisper, letting your fingers travel down your core until one teases at your entrance. Your nail teases the tender skin as you drag it up and down, biting your lip as you feel your head start spinning.

You’re tempted to just relieve the pressure right then and there, but your other hand seems to have a mind of its own as it moves up your body and gives a playful squeeze to your breast. You let out a moan and Jaehyun moves to look at you once again, eyes set in the way you tease your body in the exact same way he’s teasing his. There’s something about the two of you enjoying the same kind of pain that came with the waiting to be pleasured, like a thousand electric volts running through your veins by the second.

“You look so fucking pretty like that,” he speaks, voice deep. You frown at his words, hips unconsciously snapping up as you try to get even a sliver of release. “So desperate and ready to cum, f-fuck. Is your own touch too much for you to handle, baby?”

“Yeah,” you whisper, but the word comes out as a broken moan. “I-I want to make myself cum so bad, and all for you to see.”

Jaehyun chokes out a moan of his own at your words, the pressure on his cock heightening as he feels thrills running down his body as a product of the arousal. He’s so hard it hurts, and can already think of how good it’s gonna feel when he finally lets himself give in.

He bites his lip, moving his hand from the bed to rest at the base of his cock. Running his tongue over his bottom lip, he grabs at his dick as he watches you finally insert a finger into your core, not missing how your body seems to visibly relax once you start moving your digit. A whine forms in the bottom of your throat and you pinch your nipple with the hand that was holding your breast, making Jaehyun finally move his hand along his dick as he lets his imagination fly, wondering just how warm your skin would feel against his fingers if he were the one pleasuring you, preparing you to come undone because of him.

He hears you pant as you introduce another finger, maintaining a steady pressure on your perked nipple, speeding up his own rhythm.

“Are you gonna make yourself cum, kitten?” He groans, tightening his grip. His other hand balls the fluffy comforter under him, a sort of reminder for him to stay grounded and not let himself go before time. “Are you imagining those are my fingers, stretching you out and making you feel better than yours ever could?”

“Yeah,” you whisper. “I really wish these were your fingers instead of mine, Jae, making me feel g-good.”

He runs his hand up and down, grip never softening, his rhythm constant as he takes in your words. It’s like a game of cat and mouse, tempting each other with words and movements alike, toying with your patience until one of you inevitably gives in. And it’s addicting, the feeling of his burning gaze upon your body, admiring every part of you and consuming it bit by bit. It’s good enough to remind yourself of the game you’re playing, and you remove your fingers just when the pleasure they’re giving becomes too much.

He watches with half-lidded eyes, the sudden withdrawal of your hands from your body, admiring the calmness in your face despite the eagerness in your eyes. You’re watching him too, and, contrary to you, he doesn’t allow his hand to stop its ministrations on his cock as he watches you switch positions.

“You look even better up close,” you say, placing your knees on the bed and letting your head hang close to his member.

One of your arms supports your weight as the other one snakes from under your body and finds your core again. You let out a moan when the tips of your fingers come in contact with your clit, and Jaehyun is just removing his hand from his cock when your breath meets his skin. He bites his tongue, pulling his head back as he gathers every ounce of self-control he has to keep himself from asking you to take him in your mouth.

“Don’t do that,” he says, and you barely hear him, both because you’re too focused in the pleasure that comes from the rubbing of your clit and because his voice had been way too low in the first place. It was more of a whimper than an actual request, and you had never really been as complacent as him. “Fuck, don’t do that again.”

“Don’t do what, huh?” You ask, making sure you lower your head even more when speaking. You’re sure that is what he meant not only because of the timing, but because of the way his fingers seem to grip tighter against the comforter everytime you utter a word. “Speak so close you can practically feel me?”

Jaehyun groans, muttering a quiet fuck between his teeth as he raises one of his hands and runs it through his hair. He’s practiced edging himself and has gotten pretty decent at it, but the closeness of your body has him feeling so out of control he’s on the verge of snapping.

“You’re making this really hard for me, kitten,” he whispers. “You’re making me wish I could just fucking cum.”

“God, then why don’t you,” you whine, letting yourself get lost in his holding back. “Jae, just, oh, just do it. I’m so fucking c-close.”

You increase your rhythm, rolling your clit between your fingers as you feel a familiar pleasure building in the base of your stomach. You don’t bring yourself to a stop, and you don’t think you have to, brain fogged up and overfilled with the need of release that your arm gives in and you let yourself fall onto Jaehyun’s lap. You’re so close, and your movements against your clit speed up as you moan against the skin of his thigh, shutting your eyes closed as you let the sounds come out of your mouth without caring about the volume.

Jaehyun doesn’t notice, but the hand that was just playing with his hair comes to rest on top of your back and he keeps you flush against his lap, not really exerting any force but still keeping you glued to his body. It’s the movements of your hand, the warmth of his skin and the musky scent of his cologne that lingers on his body even after a full day of work that finally breaks the tension in your body.

And it’s so much, so goddamn much, that you end up coming against your fingers as you nuzzle your face against Jaehyun’s thigh, almost but crying out his name as everything but his touch disappears from your mind.

“O-oh, fuck!” You curse, plopping completely onto the bed. “Oh my God.”

Your forehead is still pressed tightly against Jaehyun’s thigh, the hand that was previously on your back coming to rest on top of your head. You’re not sure if he simply likes feeling you on him or if he’s trying to somehow comfort you with his touch, but either way, you don’t move. Trying to regain your breath while being glued to Jaehyun’s skin proves to be difficult, but you just keep your eyes closed and take deep breaths, inhaling his scent as you do fresh air. The breaths come out as whimpers from your mouth, causing the blonde’s mind to run a thousand miles per hour as he does his best to keep you close, close, close. He doesn’t want to let go of you, and the pressure on his unattended cock has risen to the point he’s breathing heavily as he reminds himself to not cum just yet.

“That was so hot,” Jaehyun says, breathing out as he keeps his eyes set on you, and your skin, and the way it feels like it’s almost burning his own at the mere touch. “God, you’re so fucking sexy.”

He’s had his fair amount of experience, but he had never felt nearly as aroused and needy as he’s doing now, and he wonders if it’s just the situation or if what you two have is really fueling the fire that is now consuming the room. Everything feels hot, way too hot, and his mind starts spinning uncontrollably as he thinks of just what he can do to relieve himself of the heat. The cool outside breeze hits his skin but it doesn’t help, he’s merely reminded of the fact that he’s almost but begging to be touched.

And you notice. His hand shakes a little when he runs it from your head and down your back, and he jumps a little whenever you move, no matter how slightly. Despite the sudden rush of adrenaline (or maybe because of it), your senses are heightened and Jaehyun is all you can feel, all you can see. His pleasure is still rooted in the back of your mind, and you raise yourself on your elbows to come face to face with his cock.

“Do you want me to help you out?” You ask, voice growing a little shy. It’s almost as if you had forgotten what had just happened, the way you had reacted to his voice and the way he had stared at you as if his life depended on it. “I can suck you off.”

“I just don’t- fuck,” he swallows. He’s still staring at you, and a blush rises to his cheeks as he notices the mischievous gleam in your eyes. You haven’t gotten enough. “I don’t want to make it awkward for us after this, kitten.”

You smirk. The entire thing still feels like some sort of fever dream, still not completely real as you see Jaehyun sprawled out in front of you. It’s like he’s a product of your imagination because there’s no way he’s actually this perfect and so dangerously close to you after feeling so far away for far too long. He’s your roommate, and he had been just that, no matter how much you had wished he could just be something else. Until tonight.

“I just came in front of you while you called me kitten,” you say, smirk growing as you recall the nickname. “It wouldn’t be awkward for me.”

He takes in a deep breath. He can’t hide the fact that he’d been crushing on you for months - longing stares shared whenever you walked from the bathroom to your room in a silky bathrobe, or whenever he got home from the gym, drenched in sweat and with the breathy tank top glued tight to his skin. He’s wanted you, a burning desire growing wild and ravishing in the back of his mind, and he’s finally got you.

And he’s not sure if it’s wishful thinking, but the way you’re looking at him suggests you feel the exact same way about him. He’s right, and you try to communicate it with a smile, a little giggle escaping your lips as you look up at him like he’d painted the stars in the midnight sky.

felix:

takes candid photos of them

this ball of sunshine can never stop going on about how pretty you are

which is ironic because look at him💀

he’s always gushing to the boys about how beautiful you are and how lucky he is to date someone as gorgeous as you

whole-heartedly believes that you’re beautiful in every moment so he always has his phone out, camera pointed straight at you

you could be doing something as simple as doing the dishes and he’ll still take a picture of you

if you asked him why he took the photo

he’d just reply saying that you “looked too gorgeous for me not to”

he’d definitely have a photo album dedicated just to you

seungmin:

keeps accessories on him at all times

seungmin knows how forgetful his significant other is and always makes sure to be prepared for whatever they need

he’s a good boy

whether it’s a hair tie or a head band or anything, he’s got it

like for example

if you’re suddenly feeling hot and you need to tie up your hair but you don’t have a hair tie with you

he doesn’t even hesitate to pull one off of his wrist and help you tie up your hair

his hand would probably linger for a bit, playing with your hair a bit

would definitely get teased by Felix and Jisung for being so loving

jeongin:

writes them love notes

we all know how much jeongin hates skinship and anything even remotely affectionate

so he most likely would have trouble communicating how much he likes you through words and actions

which is why he instead writes you love letters whenever he can

they can range from long, heartfelt letters to short and sweet messages, but you cherish them all the same

would never admit to writing the letters even though everyone knows who it’s from

would sign off his letters with a little drawing of a fox 🦊 instead of his name

hyung line

stray kids masterlist

Lee Haechan is a star in the darkest night. He is admirable on the tracks, and absolutely the brightest in the crowd. There is an undying flame in his eyes that will take years to put out. 

Na Jaemin is a true celebrity. He walks with an unbothered aura, completely immersed in the spotlight and the face tied with the infamous club. Recruits fawn over his man as if they know no other, and it’s completely acceptable to do so. 

Lee Jeno is a diamond in the rough. He quietly observes, some may miss him if they don’t examine with more detail. Although he prefers to remain out of the spotlight, he never fails to impress on the tracks.  

Lastly, Huang Renjun is a temperamental champion. It’s difficult for you to admit it, but his winning streaks are evidence of how great of a racer he is. Though a bit more soft spoken compared to the other louder members, his big personality is definitely hard to ignore. 

These four distinct individuals are what make up the aspects of Ridin Club. There could be no other core member to establish such a dynamic. They are ones to be respected, but casual enough to still hold a friendship. There is too much that you’re grateful for being a member of this club.

Jeno helped with wrapping your car in a shiny new vinyl wrap, all simply because he didn’t want you to slave over the renovations to your car. Haechan coached you through high stress situations, especially during your most vulnerable moments when visions on the road seem to blur. Jaemin has gifted many random additional features for your interior, some being way over your own budget. 

While the three boys are incredibly friendly and sweet, Renjun and you have a different kind of friendship. It’s one where you two simply cannot stand in the same vicinity or else hell breaks loose. As much as he’s admirable, he’s extremely difficult to get along with. If anything, there never seemed to be a chance with him. 

Your love-hate relationship, mostly hate, has grown into the worst feelings of competitiveness with the boy. If seen on campus, you do not acknowledge him. At races, he does not approach you unless he’s feeling rather mischievous to challenge you. During club meetings, you avoid him as much as you can, but situations seem to always pit you two together.

“(Y/N), I saw your new rims in the parking lot. They look out of this world.” Jeno compliments as he shrugs off his tattered thick leather jacket, the kindest smile reassuring you.

The auditorium is rather warm during the Spring weather and packing several sweaty men between cushioned seats is never the best idea. Nevertheless, Ridin Club meetings are always a treat; it’s a chance of socialization between members and less about the competition.

“Right, as if you don’t have the same ones?” You tease back, his smile turning more into a shy smirk as he leans back against the seat.

“Well, let’s just say you have great taste.” Jeno chuckles. Haechan enters and spots the harmonious scene. He can’t resist the banter, knowing that you’re bold enough to bite back.

“Laughing about how Jeno almost got jumped in the parking lot?” Haechan coolly slides into the seat on your other side. His brown locks fall messily above his brow and the scent of a new car follows his aura.

“I wasn’t jumped. We were mobbed by Jaemin's fanclub.” Jeno rolls his eyes, a finger rubbing his temples. 

“No wonder why he hasn’t shown up yet.” You mumble, quite aimlessly to yourself.

“Miss him already?” Haechan puckers up his lips in an attempt to mock you. He’s always asserting the false narrative that you have a crush on Jaemin when the man is more in love with himself than anyone he would ever encounter. Jaemin is also far from your type, not that they know anyways.

“No. I miss Renjun, need someone not afraid to fight back.” You pout, sarcasm clearly painting your expression and words. This simple statement causes both boys to laugh, all until Renjun steps into the room with the darkest glare. 

“Oh boy…” Jeno mutters as his friend approaches with hot steps, no friendly welcomes to the rest of the members of the club. 

“What’s the problem, today?” Haechan stands with his hands dug deep into his pockets. Renjun releases a heavy sigh, puffing his chest at all the distress in his veins.

“I got my car washed today and they scratched up the paint on my doors.” His voice represents more defeat, rather than the bustling roar he usually speaks in during one of his fumes. His face drops, along with his shoulders.

“Aw, you poor thing.” There is no reason, absolutely none, that compels you to be so mean. Renjun rolls his eyes upon acknowledging your presence.

“At least, my car isn’t a sight for sore eyes. I suggest getting your car washed so they can help you remove your hideous paint job.” Renjun snaps back, and something deep within you feels a spark of excitement. He catches onto the malicious gleam in your eyes and the slight curve in your smile. 

“It’s wrapped, thanks for noticing.” Sarcastic remarks are your forte. “Also, that place did you a favor. Now, you can actually invest in some innovations to your lame ride.” Renjun chews at the inside of his cheek, his temper rising by the second. 

You two hold eye contact, as if it would be a loss if one of you looked away first. The award-winning smirk plasters your face annoyingly and he stares back with the most smoldering look. The tension is practically suffocating, leaving Jeno and Haechan long gone to tend to others. 

“What do you know about having a hot ride?” 

“I am one.” You snicker, the confidence oozing from your body language. Renjun blows his bang out of his face and crosses his arms. 

“If only you had this same level of confidence in your driving, you’d win more races, baby.” His laugh hurts a bit of your pride, but you try not to let it phase you. Renjun steps closer, until the tips of your noses graze lightly. For a brief moment, you both break eye contact and take a quick look at how dangerously close your lips are. 

His pale skin is as clear as day and if he didn’t wear such a taunting smirk, you’d actually fawn over how attractive he is. His cheekbone piercing always stuck out to you, liking your men with a little edge to them. Now that you’ve examined his features up close and personal, Renjun may actually be your type and that thought is enough for you to feel your gut twist into knots. 

“I can’t fucking stand you.” Crossing your arms, your demeanor drops slightly. You can roll your eyes all you want, Renjun finds it quite humorous how much you despise him. You are exactly the type to drive him wild, that only exists in fantasies. Because of this, he can’t imagine he’d get your attention any other way. 

“The feeling is mutual.” Renjun scoffs, taking this opportunity to walk away to join the rest of the members. While you silently fume to yourself, Renjun’s stare still lingers. What an incredible person you are, and he hates it. For once, he wants to admit that someone is better than him. Nonetheless, he can’t get himself to speak the words into existence and knows no other way to keep you entertained. 

While Jeno is the nice one, Jaemin showers you in affection and gifts, and Haechan teases you lightly, Renjun struggles with finding his role in your life. It wasn’t always this way for you two.

Renjun knew of you before your membership. You were this chic and courageous girl that invested in this sport as if it’s her whole career. Passionate. 

He saw it in the way you spoke about racing. Every potential member he’s come across didn’t exhibit your drive and spirit. Surprisingly, Renjun was the one who vouched for your membership, he was the one who fought for you to get into the exclusive club. 

Unfortunately, you’ll never know that and he’ll never let you know that. Somewhere in the midst of the beginnings, Renjun messed up and completely came off way too standoffish when approaching you. It was so strange, he’s never felt as nervous as he was around you. The only way he could combat these odd feelings was to warp a version of you he couldn’t like. So, he hated you.

He hated the way your passion was so loud and proud, when he was only ever obsessed with winning. He hated how easy it was for you to coexist with everyone else. He hated you for being so perfect, the ideal person he’d fall for. 

How you managed to leave with Renjun at the block’s hottest party later that night is beyond any explanation you can give yourself. Renjun stumbles over his feet, arm loosely wrapped around your lower waist. His hot hand burns at your exposed skin, but the crisp late night air causes goosebumps to form. 

You can’t shake off this hazy vision, as your world slowly blurred into one color. The strong effects of the alcohol throws you into a whirl and without you knowing, your body leans heavily against your greatest enemy. However in any others’ eyes, you two seem rather friendly under the low hanging stars. 

“Sweetheart, stay with me here.” The nickname is no longer sarcastic, although it is usually used in mockery. Renjun suddenly sounds fully alert, ringing in your ears as if you never forgot how his usual nag sounds. You just catch the clear vision of him snapping his fingers, but the focus is quick to slip. 

“(Y/N), hey! Drunkie!” Renjun catches you by your shoulders, your body bumping and swaying all over him. He groans at the pathetic sight, he’s absolutely helpless in the middle of the dirty front lawn. He silently swears underneath his breath, your droopy eyes completely shut now. 

Renjun makes an executive decision to find Jeno, the designated driver for the night. He knew that there was going to be no possible way for him to drive after drinking and he genuinely didn’t feel safe tucking you away in a random room. 

With all his strength, Renjun hoists you onto his back and you’re practically dead-weight at this point. Your arms dangle around his neck and he makes sure everything is secure before entering the noisy and robust house.

The night is still young or the alcohol is reaching its peak for many people as Renjun maneuvers past several couples grinding against each other to the loud sensual music. The low lighting makes everything twice as hard to spot his friend, but Jeno makes eye contact with him immediately as he enters from the kitchen.

Renjun signals with an eyebrow raise and slight tilt of his head, backtracking toward the front door again. Jeno follows, dodging random drunk individuals trying to dance with him. 

“She’s out?” Jeno asks, almost breathless when he escapes the traps of sweaty bodies. The night is much quieter, Renjun can hear your small snores in his right ear.

“Absolutely shitfaced.” Renjun chuckles, but his grip on your thighs doesn’t falter. He’s afraid of letting you go, of letting you fall.

“Want me to take her back?” Jeno pulls his keys out quickly. “Are you staying or should I take you back too?” 

“I’ll just come with, can’t stand drunkies making out against the wall and the alcohol is all gone.” Renjun happily walks with you on his back, striding next to Jeno to find his friend’s sick ride. “The others gonna be okay?”

“Fuck that. Jaem and Haechan already left with someone.” Jeno laughs, opening the back door for Renjun to gently place you in the car. You’re so far gone that Renjun doubts you’ll remember anything. “I was looking around for you and (Y/N), good thing you two came as a pairing.”

Renjun slightly blushes; it might be the existing alcohol in his system that heats him up, or it could be the fact that Jeno mentioned you two as a pairing. Nevertheless, the silly thought doesn’t fester in his head as he punches his friend lightly. “You’re lucky I’m drunk or I would have cussed you out for that one.”

“Just admit you like (Y/N) and it’ll be the end of discussion.” Jeno hops into the driver’s seat with a smug smirk, but Renjun hesitates to answer him. He looks back at your sleeping figure flopped over the leather seats, as peaceful as you could ever be. 

He can’t shake off the feeling tonight. Your body against his, even briefly, felt like a spark of lightning. Something about you on his back, cozy and snuggled up against his neck, drives him into the sweetest imaginations.

“So you don’t deny it.” Jeno whispers, one hand on the wheel and the audacity seeping from his aura. 

Renjun glares with deadly eyes, “Could care less about playing into your jokes.” 

“But you don’t actually hate her.” 

Renjun gulps, “I don’t, but I think she does. Everything is complicated, we’re too far gone to fix anything.” 

Jeno scoffs, “you two step on each other’s toes and it’s hard to ignore the tension from your fights. It’s disgusting how bad you two are down for each other.”

“You’re all delusional.” Renjun rolls his eyes, but the thumping against his ribcage tells a different story. “We race tomorrow, don’t ruin the competitiveness between us or how am I supposed to have some fun?”

Jeno only smiles, knowing that it is as close to a confession as he's going to get from Renjun. As stubborn as Renjun usually is, enough alcohol in his system could break down his walls.

Once Jeno pulls into your apartment complex, Renjun assists him with helping you back into your building. Your compex is rather dark and eerie, not a sound in sight and not a light seeping from underneath doors. It might have been the confused look on Renjun’s face upon entering the quiet atmosphere, but Jeno switches on every light switch he passes.

“Her housemates all went home for the weekend.” It’s as if being at your place is second nature for Jeno, when Renjun has only visited a few times. It definitely smells like the sweet reminisce of your perfume, knowing that smell every time you pass by him.

“She’s all alone here?” Renjun asks as the two of them tuck you into your bed. You’re beyond unconscious, completely unaware that you’re even in the safety of your own place. However, this troubles Renjun to a mild degree and it doesn’t sit right with him to leave you here by yourself. He just can’t seem to spit it out.

Jeno peers up at him as he ruffles your blankets, gently making them comfortable for you. “That’s right.” He is suspicious of Renjun’s question, knowing damn well they both saw how empty it was walking in. 

“That sucks.” Renjun nervously chuckles, rubbing the back of his neck sheepishly. He just can’t say how he wants to stay, to make sure you’re safe throughout the night.

“Yeah, I would stay but my girl is waiting for me.” Jeno checks the nightstand, “I’m going to get her some water.” Jeno hurries out of the room, key jingling as he walks.

Renjun looks down at your sleeping figure, unsure what is compelling him to want to protect you. It could be the effects of the alcohol still running its course, but there is a gut feeling inside of him that is screaming at him to swallow his pride for once.

You begin to toss and turn, small inaudible noises coming from you. Your eyes are still closed, skin still hot, and breath still smelling like alcohol. 

Nonetheless, you mumble his name briefly, and Renjun leans forward in order to hear you better. Throughout this entire night, you hadn’t muttered a sound or a word. He’s shocked, to say the least, as your lips part again to speak. You’re clearly still beyond drunk, but you mutter soft words for him to hear.

“Stay.” And that is just enough for him to tell Jeno that he doesn’t need a ride home. 

The next morning was a complete disaster. You woke up with the fattest headache and smeared makeup. You can’t remember much of the previous night and what a shock it was to see Renjun lying on your living room couch. Of all the people … why was Huang Renjun sleeping over your place? 

He woke up to your scream upon seeing him on your sofa, hitting the floor as if it was a scene from a sitcom. You two bickered for a few moments, learning that Renjun also couldn’t remember much of the night either besides having Jeno take you home. 

Needless to say, Renjun was completely hungover and out the door as fast as he could. But of course, not without reminding about how he is gonna kick your ass tonight at the race.

“I’ll make you eat your words, Huang Renjun.” 

The rev of engines roars through the silent night. Renjun rubs his knuckles against his temple as his other hand handles the wheel. Your car finally pulls up beside him, windows rolled down and an arrogant smug on your gorgeous face.

“Does your head hurt?” The plain mockery in your tone picks at his temper, but he only scoffs back. He rolls his eyes, dragging his teeth against his bottom lip.

“You really do drive me insane, Y/N.” Renjun mutters softly, but something about his words does not sound sarcastic or mean. If anything, it sounds like a personal remark that he hopes you didn’t catch onto. However, you hear him so clear over the engines and cheering crowd that those words send a ping to your heart. 

“Are we ready, lovebirds?” Jaemin appears between your vehicles, a hand placed on the sills of your windows. His hearty chuckle is friendly, but the nickname irritates Renjun more than usual. 

“Let’s get this over with.” You scoff, heart pounding in your chest from all the adrenaline building inside of your system. 

“She just can’t wait to lose.” Renjun winks, as he readjusts in his seat and the road vast and clear for him. 

“Alright, this is a friendly competition. So, play nice.” A slap on your car doors signal the start of the countdown. Your foot hovers over the gas, fingers tight around your wheel and eyes focus ahead. 

In a blink of an eye, you and Renjun fly forward toward the horizon. The track is short and straight loop, no confusion and no excuse to lose. Victory should be easy tonight, so why does your car feel heavy under your feet?

You have a lead as Renjun is close on your tail. Sweat slightly lines your brow, checking your rearview mirror repeatedly to see how close his lights seem. There was something that bothered you the entire day, why was Huang Renjun over at your apartment? What exactly happened last night? 

The questions trouble you greatly, like a blister waiting to be popped any second. Jeno refused to answer your pestering, leaving you with one word answers and ambiguity. 

As the road recedes underneath your vehicle, the night sky feels as if it's caving in. Tonight feels oddly different, you’re usually pumped and fueled with hatred. Races against Renjun have always been intensely competitive and fierce, but he is staying behind you for too long. He has you second guessing your confidence. You aren’t sure how this man managed to get into your head, but you can’t stop thinking about how his words made you feel just minutes ago.

As you two approach the finish line, a light bump against your bumper startles you from your clouded judgement. Renjun, then, speeds ahead. His tires leave tracks along the concrete and you’re cursing underneath your breath at how you let him distract you.

“Can you drive?! It’s not bumper cars out here.” You pull up aggressively next to him in a parking spot, rushing out of your seat to fume with anger at his petty move.

Renjun coolly steps out of his car, lights and engine still running. Your spit gets caught at the back of your throat at the small smirk that rests on his pink lips and the way his hand runs through his messy strands. 

His voice is gentle, but full of darkness. “No, because I’d rather be bumping something else.” He cocks an eyebrow at you, piercing just adding to his edge. 

“Shut up, you cheat.” You blow the hair out of your face, arms crossed across your chest.

Renjun laughs, “shouldn’t have lost your focus, sweetheart.” His face drops to a deadly expression, heading back to bask in another one of his glories.

“You’re really not all that of a hot shot.” Your statement causes him to stop in his tracks. Normally, you can predict his reaction. It’s like watching a child throw a fit, but he remains cool. The aura around him is entirely shifted. 

“Care for a ride, then? I think you probably need a front seat of how a champion drives.” His offer piques your interest more than it does mock you. Renjun never offers to drive anyone other than himself, knowing damn well that all his friends are racers with a habit of backseat driving.

“If it’ll mean proving you wrong, then sure.” You shrug, hopping into his passenger seat without any hesitation. Renjun blinks, not actually expecting your boldness to bite back at him. Nonetheless, he closes the door and joins you in the tight space.

He can feel his palms grow a bit slick with sweat. The smaller space feels way more intimate than it needs to be, it’s just the two of you. It’s as if a tension thicker than mud fills every crevice. 

You observe the personality of his car --- sleek and clean. His car is a direct reflection of him and you actually like how the driver compliments the vehicle. “So, you going to start driving or are we going to sit here all night?” 

Renjun notices Jeno and Haechan in his side mirror, smiling and nodding at each other as if they know something he doesn’t. However, he shakes them off and rests his hand on the stick shift. 

In all honesty, you’ve never seen someone drive stick before. It has always been impressive in retrospect, but now that you’re actually witnessing it firsthand, it’s beyond anything you could do. At least for now.

“How long have you been driving?” Your question is out of pure curiosity, not an assessment. Your eyes never leave the gear stick, watching as Renjun moves it as it is second nature. 

“Since high school. Did a lot of car meets with older guys and started racing when the city slept.” Renjun drives with nowhere in mind, but it doesn’t bother him. Oddly enough, he finds comfort in you being next to him, like how he’s always wished you’d be.

“You never got caught?” Racing is illegal, even more so industrial areas with speed limits that monitor the streets. You picked up this passion only when you entered college, where meeting an array of individuals led you on the journey you are now. 

Renjun shakes his head, “not once. I know how to control my speed at any moment.” 

You nod in recognition, “that’s actually impressive.” 

There it goes: the subtlety in your smile makes his heart tremble. He peeks over at your profile momentarily, your demeanor relaxes in his leather seats and he begins to notice the light makeup on your eyes. These small details are the ones that he tries hard to ignore, he can’t let you catch him staring.

“You know, I’m not as bad as your head makes me out to be.” Renjun tests his waters, treading lightly to gauge your response. Nonetheless, his hands grow slick against the wheel.

You scoff, blowing a piece of hair out of your face. Looking over at Renjun, the boy sits with legs spread open and one hand on the wheel. Part of his hair is gelled out of his face and the other covers his forehead partly. Your eyes travel from his cheek piercing down to his light pink lips, your mind conjuring up the most outrageous thoughts.

“I’ll admit…” your voice falters slightly, gulping the spit that manages to pool in the back of your throat. “... you are hot when you drive, but I still dislike you.”

Renjun smirks, not taking his eyes off the road to steal a glance at your shyness. “The feeling is mutual. I know I’m hot so it’s not uncommon.”

You laugh, “wow, so you have a massive ego. How could I forget?” Your question is laced with light playful sarcasm, but Renjun catches you off guard with his next response.

“You want to know what else is big?” His words are suddenly dark, a different tension filling the air. You’re unsure how the atmosphere managed to shift, especially with Huang Renjun. You hated this guy, right? 

Nevertheless, your stomach dances in circles at the odd silence. “S-shut up.”

Renjun pulls into an empty parking lot far out from the main road. “I’m just playing, sweetheart.” He points out the window at the night sky, “ever seen how beautiful the stars are here?”

His change in conversation leaves you unsettled, like you anticipated more from him. “What else is big besides your ego?” 

Renjun blinks over with taunting eyes, his pupils as dark as the horizon. His crooked smirk is more than telling, but you wonder if his words are going to have another effect on you. “I don’t think a good girl like you would be able to handle it.” 

Your throat closes at the sensual implication in his tone. Good girl, who the hell does he think you are? A fuel adds to your burning fire, as if his backhanded comment poured gasoline into this ruthless relationship. But something inside of you doesn’t want to beat him in a race, or walk away with eyes to the ceiling. A heat bubbles in your lower stomach and it wants to prove him otherwise. 

“C’mon, you’re like five feet on a good day, Renjun.” You cross your arms, trying to remain nonchalant about the heavy tension. His car shuts off and your heart is in your chest, anticipating the sudden intimacy that can escalate in less than seconds.

Renjun unbuckles his seatbelt, relaxing back into his seat with the most arrogant yawn. “I have other ways to make up for my height.”

“Well it’s definitely not your personality.” You bite back, but Renjun is unphased. When did he get so cool? Something about a leveled headed Renjun causes you to tremble. 

“Like I said, I don’t think you’ll be able to handle it. You can barely beat me in a race---” Grabbing him by the collar of his shirt, your lips press against his before he can finish. If it means kissing him to finally shut up with this banter, so be it. You’re going to prove him otherwise, shut him up once and for all about this nonsensical competitiveness. 

Renjun’s hand snakes across your jawline, pulling you into him closer. Chills rise across your arms at his movement, knowing that you are kissing your enemy. However, the thrill consumes you as Renjun’s lips hastily want more from you.

“You didn’t even let me finish.” He says as you pull away for a gasp of air. Your thoughts are incomprehensible at the moment, feeling hot and heavy with intimacy. You wanted Renjun. 

Looking over at him, you note the slightly rosy blush across his cheeks and the rise and fall of his chest. “Are you going to let me finish?” 

Renjun meets your eyes with a twinkle. “Get out of the car right now.” Without hesitation, you both leap out of the vehicle quickly. The summer night is warm, the surrounding area being absolutely deserted. He lifts you to sit comfortably on the hood of his car, hand wrapped around your neck to pull you into another steamy kiss. 

His needy hand runs up your shirt, reaching to unclasp your bra. You knew that he was skilled with his hands, but wasn’t aware of this extent. Your bra becomes loose without even a struggle, Renjun pulls away to read your face before proceeding.

“You want this?” He asks, hot hands resting on your thighs. The proximity of the placement is enough to cause you to gush. 

You hated this man, but you wanted to fuck the shit out of him. “Yes, do you?”

“Of course.” Renjun kisses your lips gently, a bit more soft and tender hearted before lifting your shirt up. Your bra is pushed out of the way, tongue against your exposed nipple. 

The stimulation causes shivers to run down your spine. An immediate moan flies from your lips and Renjun unbuttons your jeans. Slipping a hand into your panties, he rubs light strokes on your clit. His knee keeps your legs spread open for him. This position feels so exposed, yet you are still fully clothed. 

“You’re the worst, fucking someone you hate. That’s just twisted.” You have always been used to appraisal from your sexual partners, so this degradation is something new and exciting. Hearing Renjun speak with a lower tone has you growing wetter by every word. 

“What does that say about you?” You grunt as he pulls away, his fingers coated with a sheen. Your nipples are raw in the air and your panties stick to you uncomfortably. 

“Just as twisted, I guess.” He shrugs, licking his fingers clean. “Damn, you taste good.” He smacks your thighs and motions you to stand up. He turns you around, pushing your back lightly to adjust you onto the car. Your stomach presses against the cold metal, ass up for him to admire. 

Renjun peels your pants and panties down halfway to your thighs, getting down on his knees and two hands to spread your slick lips open. “Oh fuck, you’re such a pretty slut.” Renjun can’t wait to devour you, like all the excitement rushing to his dick at the sight of your spread wet pussy before him. 

His tongue enters your hole, warm and full. You gasp into the night, “Renjun!” Your hands curl into fists, completely in a trance from the pleasure.

“I’m going to give you the best fuck of your life, sweetheart. A pretty whore like you deserves it.” His mouth is ruthless across your pussy, dragging his tongue in and out of you while also paying close attention to your clit. Your legs shake every time he flicks against your sensitive bud.

The feeling of his hot mouth against your skin sends goosebumps forming along your body. It’s quite sensational, especially knowing how badly you wanted to rip his head off just an hour ago for bumping your car. It’s as if all the hate turned into adrenaline and utter lust. Renjun eats you out with such a gentle rage, like he also is fueled by this spiteful excitement.

All the while, his hand is giving your ass some light smacks and keeping you spread open. “Fuck, Renjun. I need you in me before I bust.”

You try to swat his face away from your pussy, knowing one more lick could send you into your climax. Renjun stands, unbuckling his pants and pulling his dick out from the zipper. “Deep breaths, it can be quite a bit of stretch.” 

His warning is sincere, as he enters slowly and every part of your lower regions is on fire from the sudden stretch. You wish you could grip onto something to bear the sting, but the cold metal of the car provides none of that. Once he settled all the way in, you released a long exhale and adjusted to his size.

“You mean to tell me you were packing this whole time?” You turn your head to look back at him. His eyes are trained on your entrance, practically drooling over the sight of how he fits inside and how delicious your tight pussy feels around him. 

“And what would you have done with that information?” He scoffs, pinning you down by the back of your neck onto the surface of the car.

“I don’t know.” Your voice is unstable as he begins to move his hips. The pleasurable sting burns as he pulls out, but immediately thrusts back forward. Your body jolts up against the car, taken aback by the power in his hips.

“Treated me kinder?” His next push feels a bit more personal and rough. “Would’ve given me a chance?” 

Renjun isn’t sure what overcomes him, but the image of your pleasurable expression and light squeezes around his cock has butterflies swirling over the crown of his head. The feeling of hot adrenaline is addictive, and his heart could burst at any second. 

“I do treat you kindly.” You whimper, his tip pressing against your sensitive sweet spot. 

Renjun’s ears perk at your slightly bratty tone. “You have a funny way of showing it.” He picks up his pace, every form of competition fueling his thrust. Every moment he has shared with you has been endless bickering, cruel competition, and cut throat insults. 

He can’t even remember when he started to act this way toward you. Nonetheless, he fucking hates it. He rails into you deeper and deeper, fucking out all the hatred and pent up lust. Renjun can no longer think straight and you’re seeing stars at how he is all the way up your gut.

You’re a moaning mess, but it didn’t matter how loud you got. There is no one within a mile radius. Renjun is fucking you so good in an empty parking lot, ass up, pants down to your thighs, and neck pinned to the car surface. 

And you’re close, practically seconds away from the greatest climax of your life. “Please, don’t stop. I’m going to cum.” Your hand holds onto his wrist, while his hand is full of your hips. 

He keeps his constant rhythm, noting how your eyes are starting to roll back as he hits a bit deeper each thrust. Your mouth hangs open at the build up, his tip railing into your sweet spot over and over. 

Renjun is dangerously close too, but he feels your walls closing in around him and the grip on his wrist is tighter than ever. Your eyes are shut and the scream that comes from your chest indicates your orgasm, your legs shaking violently against the vehicle. 

He pulls out quickly, picking you off of the hood and turning you around. You barely get on your knees as his red cock glistens with your juices right in front of you. 

“Open and put that dirty mouth to use.” He says, entering your hot wet mouth that invites him eagerly. You’re still shaking from your own orgasm, your pussy feeling empty and sore now that Renjun is stuffing your cheeks. 

The wet sounds mixed with your soft tongue sucking at his sensitive tip sends him over his edge. With a grunt, his hand is lightly placed on the back of your head as he cums in your mouth. 

His dick pulses in your mouth, and the pure sight of Renjun all fucked out above you is mesmerizing. You never knew how badly you wanted to see him just lose himself, until this very moment. 

You aren’t entirely sure how you started spending your nights in empty parking lots with your greatest enemy. Nonetheless, here you two are again as you’re shoving each other’s tongues down your throats.

You straddle Renjun in the driver’s seat, making out with him until you two run out of air. His needy hands roam all parts of your body, squeezing your thighs and your breasts. Nights like these have been occurring more frequently after the first fuck. 

Though you two have become quite acquainted with each other, the others aren’t aware of your secret nightly make outs in parking lots. You aren’t too sure how much longer you two can keep it up, especially since the boys blow up Renjun’s phone nonstop.

“Maybe you should just answer it.” You pull away, your chest rising and falling to catch your breath. Renjun narrows his eyebrows, kissing the nape of your neck. You lightly push at his chest, “I’m being serious, Renjun. They’re going to keep calling until you pick up.”

Rolling his eyes, he groans and looks at the rude caller that interrupted his moment with you. “And what am I supposed to say?” Sarcasm in his question, as dark hooded eyes peer up at you. 

“Say you’re with me.” You gulp, and watch as his eyes lighten up at the suggestion.

“Are you sure?”

You grab the phone out of his hand, sliding the screen to answer the call. Renjun barely had time to stop you, as your voice carried, “leave us alone, Haechan.”

“What the hell?! Is that (Y/N)!?” Haechan’s voice is loud through the receiver. 

You watch Renjun’s worried expression, cute enough that you had to plant a kiss of reassurance on his pouty lips. “I’m glad you’re able to recognize my voice. Now, stop calling. We’re busy.”

“Just so you know, we all saw this coming.” Haechan says before he hangs up abruptly, finally giving you two the peace that you have been anticipating.

“There’s no way. We hated each other's guts.” You toss his phone over to the passenger’s seat, wrapping your arms around Renjun’s neck and relaxing into his warmth. 

“I think they were saying that more for me….” Renjun soothes your back with a hesitant hand. 

However, you finally understood loud and clear. Underneath all that concealed hatred was a harbor of likeness for you. Now, waking up to Renjun in your apartment a few mornings ago did not seem so questionable. The thought that appears in your head causes you to giggle slightly, “you’re like those boys who pick on the girl they like.” 

Renjun shoots up, “Am not!” 

“So you don’t like me?” You sit up to face him. He falls silent, his mouth opening and closing to find an explanation. 

He feels his heart in his throat and he looks away shyly. “If I said I did?”

“Then it confirms what I just said. C’mon, Renjun. If I knew you had a crush on me this whole time, I wouldn’t have been so mean to you.” Your thumb brushes against his cheek softly, the beating of his heart increases tenfold. 

You take his silence for his answer. “Us rebels have to stick together because no one else is going to understand us more than we do.” 

He laughs, taking your wrist in his hand. “Yeah, but you’re a bad bitch not because you’re cool, but because you’re bad at driving.”

You pinch at his skin lightly, as you two giggle under the moonlight. And who would’ve thought that this entire time Huang Renjun was absolutely head over wheels for you. He definitely had a funny way of showing it.