#kirisho

Next to him, Jun had plugged in his earphones as soon as they entered the car. Now, he was spacing out on the backseat and Shou couldn’t blame him. He had had his fair share of shouting for today, but in front of them, Kenji and Yutaka were still at it. They weren’t even arguing, but everything about their personalities just seemed loud for some reason. Shou wished they would give him a break.

The radio broadcast had left his throat somewhat sore. It wasn’t the kind of painfully sore that came from straining his vocal cords too much. He was used to talk for two hours straight, but it always left him with the feeling of having no words left inside of him. It was like that after every broadcast and especially now that the end of the tour was drawing near. He needed his phases of solitude and silence like he needed the talking. But currently solitude and silence had become rare and he felt like having used up all his words for the rest of the week in a single go.

He stared outside the window, but the landscape passing by was pretty boring. Luckily, it had been radio today only. Kenji had offered to drive and so he only had to blank out three people instead of a whole team of hair stylists and make-up artists that tried to make him look good on tv. Once again, he silently thanked his younger self for consequently sticking to one outfit. At least he didn’t have to worry about what to wear if he wasn’t in the mood for it. The only person bothering with his clothes even less was probably Kenji, who most of the time did not bother with clothes to begin with.

“Eh? We should definitely go there!”, Yutaka announced enthusiastically.

Shou hadn’t been listening to the conversation. It had something to do with sports and as usually his attention had dropped immediately at the topic.

Instead his thoughts circled around the first question the interviewer had asked him today. It was always the same question and always the same simple answer, although it sounded a lot more complicated in Shou’s head.

You are a talented musician – why choose to form a band that doesn’t play their instruments?

The socially accepted version was that he wanted to make people laugh. It wasn’t a lie. Shou had always been good at making people laugh at him. He loved the stories almost as much as he loved the music. He loved thinking outside the box.

But there was another answer, that was just as true; just as simple and just as complicated.

He had chosen to form a band without musicians, because Kyan Yutaka could not play the guitar.

In the end, music and stories and jokes weren’t the only things that Shou …

“We should ask Jun if he wants to come!”, Kenji said.

Yutaka turned around in his seat. His face was handsome as always. Over the last years it had changed a little, although Shou couldn’t quite name what that change had been. He still looked young. He still had the same charming smile. It had been that smile that had made Shou decide that the concept of Golden Bomber was worth a try. It was the kind of smile that had made him want to bank his future onto it.

“Yo, Jun! Jun!”, Yutaka shouted.

Jun was still looking out the window, his whole body-language signalling that he was ready to actively ignore everything around him until they reached the hotel. Whatever could possibly happen – Kenji undressing behind the steering wheel, Yutaka smashing a window, the car catching fire – Jun would not get hysteric about it.

Shou reached over, grabbed the wire and pulled out his earphone without warning.

Jun got hysteric immediately.

He flinched so violently his head hit the support behind it.

“What?! What?!”, he shouted, obviously expecting the worst.

His reaction was so ridiculous, it made Shou chuckle. Maybe Yutaka’s grin did a little for it, too. His grin made Shou feel giddy.

“Kenji and me want to go to a baseball court practicing hall* today. You should come.”

“Me?”, Jun assured.

Shou was wondering the same. It was completely normal for Yutaka and Kenji to go out on some sports thingy together. But why were they asking Jun? Sure, he was working out way more than Shou, but he wasn’t interested in sports either. He wasn’t even social. He was wearing earphones.

“I don’t really like baseball. I wonder if I should come along, but I feel I really shouldn’t.”

“Ah, you are such a bore!”, Yutaka shouted, suddenly with a fit of anger that would blow over in a second, leaving behind his smiling face again.

“Come on, Jun, come on!”, Kenji begged from the driver’s seat. “It will be fun. You hardly spend time with us, just say yes!”

“We’re on tour, I spend all my time with you currently!”, Jun insisted, but everyone in the car already knew that he had lost. He could never tell Kenji no when he used his pleading voice.

Shou had never understood Jun’s weakness for the drummer. Other than that, they had quite a few things in common. Jun needed the phases of solitude and silence, too, while both Yutaka and Kenji seemed to fill any room with their presence and noise as soon as they entered it. They were charismatic in an outgoing manner, that Shou never quite managed, no matter how hard he tried. He could fake it for a while, but at the end of the day he just wanted to curl back up into his emotional shell.

“So, it’s settled”, Yutaka continued, ignoring Jun’s mumbled protest. “We will just drop off Shou at the hotel and then go there immediately.”

“Thanks for inviting me”, Shou said dryly.

He was used to it, though. It was his own fault for declining their offers one time too often. They knew he wasn’t enjoying that kind of thing. Be it sports or group activities. He realized he should be thankful for their plans instead. The hotel room would be quiet for a few hours, and for a while there would be no random nudity. There was no point in getting upset that they hadn’t even asked him.

“Eh?”, Yutaka assured. “You want to come?”

Shou hesitated. He did not want to come. He wanted to be invited. It wasn’t quite the same thing. He wanted the others – he wanted Yutaka – to think of him first. Not of Jun, not even of Kenji. Sometimes, Shou wanted Yutaka to look at no one but him.

With a sigh he shook his head.

“You know I don’t”, he said.

“Too bad”, Yutaka said.

For a moment, he sounded honestly disappointed and Shou wished he could be that person. That person who cared about sports and being social and easy-going; that person who didn’t disappoint Yutaka. He wanted them both to have fun together, but at the same time he was aware they wouldn’t have fun together, even if he went along. Sometimes, he wished to tear off his own skin to become someone else completely and then he remembered that it wasn’t his fault and he just wished Yutaka to stay.

“Sorry”, he said quietly. It felt as if he was trying to apologize for whom he was.

The car pulled over, changing lanes. Shou could already see the hotel.

“Why are you letting him off like that?”, Jun whined.

“Shou is actually working for our living”, Kenji said.

“Technically, …”, Shou started, but decided to drop the discussion as the car stopped short. “Yeah”, he agreed.

“See you later!”, Yutaka called as he got out of the car.

They didn’t even wave him off. The car just pulled back and sped down the road again before Shou had entered the hotel.

Suddenly, the silence around him felt burdening. The hotel lobby was quiet, as well as the corridor to their room. The voices had been shut down too sudden and although Shou had longed to be alone only moments ago, he now felt lonely. Maybe he should have joined them. Maybe he had just been too proud to tell them that he didn’t want to be left behind. Maybe he was an idiot.

For several years now, he didn’t know how he felt. When he was around Yutaka, he couldn’t stand his presence remaining just out of reach. And when the tour ended and there were no shootings left to be done, he missed him and thought that just being friends – just being around him – would be enough already. But it was never enough; either way.

He unlocked the door to the hotel room. It was stuffy and crammed with four single beds inside and clothes on the floor that always managed to get dirty though only ever worn for a short period of time.

Sure, they could have booked two rooms instead. It would have been more comfortable and would moreover have stopped the fighting for the use of the bath. But it would also be more expensive and since they only ever stayed for one or two nights, to Shou, it didn’t seem worth the expenses.

There was another reason, of course, like there always was another reason. Shou’s heart wouldn’t have stood to share a bedroom alone with Yutaka, knowing he slept in the bed next to him, his soft snoring and his warm skin so incredible close. His heart would beat so fast, it had to stop eventually from exhaustion. If Yutaka shared the bedroom with someone else, Shou’s heart would probably not beat at all. A four-bed room was the only solution.

He went over to open a window. It was still cold outside, but he needed fresh air and he needed to get out the smell of people who weren’t here.

Only then did Shou allow himself to sink onto the pillows of his bed and close his eyes. He didn’t plan to nap, but he was tired in a way that had nothing to do with a lack of sleep. He was emotionally exhausted and the question of the interview kept resonating in his mind.

Back when founding Golden Bomber he had already known. He had been perfectly aware that he would do everything to work together with a man like Kyan Yutaka. He was funny, charming, incredible creative and a good actor. His complete lack of musical ability was made up by his smile and, well, a certain amount of total and absolute craziness.

He was adorable and even back then Shou had noticed the tightening in his chest and the tingling in his groin whenever he made him laugh. But he had assumed it would pass over time, that there would be other men and other women, and that he would grow up eventually, that he would leave his own unmanliness behind and those feeling would stop or he would gather the courage to confess to them instead. But none of it had happened and time had only shown that “unmanly” was the word most people would forever associate with him.

Being on tour only made it worse. Yutaka’s clothes were all over the place, the smell of his perfume constantly filling the room or the car, his voice too close and loud to forget it even for a second. Shou didn’t only need a break from his band members. He needed a break from his own feelings.

“Shou, I’m home!”, a loud voice interrupted his thoughts and the door flew open with a bang.

Shou shot up into a sitting position immediately. Shouts like that could mean about anything and often enough they were accompanied by a camera, ready to ban the disaster on film.

“That was fast. Where are the others?”, Shou asked, carefully checking the empty space behind Yutaka who was now standing at the end of his bed.

“Ah, Jun broke his leg or something, so we returned early.”

“Jun, what?!”, Shou barked out.

In his mind he already rehearsed the program of the show in two days. Did Jun have to walk a lot? Did they have to make any major changes if he couldn’t move around freely?

“Don’t worry, he’s fine”, Yutaka waved it off. “He was just screaming a lot.”

“So, he didn’t break his leg?”, Shou assured. “Can he walk? Is Kenji taking him to a hospital? Can we perform in two days? Do we have to …?”

“Oi!”, Yutaka shouted and grabbed for a pillow to hit Shou on the head with it.

The pillow was soft, but Yutaka used so much force, it still made him feel slightly dizzy.

“You worry too much. I told you he is fine.”

Shou sighed, rubbing his forehead demonstratively.

“That hurt”, he protested. “And I have to worry. I’m your leader.”

“Great leader you are”, Yutaka stated dryly, nudging him to move over. “Napping while your bassist gets injured.”

He sat down on the bed next to Shou, both of them with their backs up against the headboard. It was a small single bed, so their upper arms were lightly touching. In spite of the weather, both of them were wearing short-sleeves and Yutaka’s skin felt heated against his own. Shou swallowed.

“I wasn’t napping”, he said, shoving Yutaka with his shoulder to express protest.

“Yeah, just lying around with your eyes closed. What were you doing? Thinking of pervy stuff?”, Yutaka asked, pushing back against him so hard Shou nearly fell over. “I’m just glad you weren’t masturbating when I came in.”

“I never do that in our common room! I never know when one of you guys will walk in”, Shou defeated himself, suppressing his laughter. He left a dramatic pause for effect. “What do you think why I always lock the bathroom door?”

Yutaka burst out laughed, bending forward and holding his tummy.

“Stop it”, he begged, catching his breath and sitting up straight again.

The hand he had pressed against his belly before, dropped to his side, resting against the outside of Shou’s thigh.

The touch felt incredibly hot, even through the fabric of his pants. From where Yutaka’s fingers were brushing him, heat seemed to spread into all directions.

He was used to body contact with the other members of course. There was no way to avoid it with a band concept like theirs. But sometimes the touch had a different feeling to it. When it was just two people in a single hotel bed for example.

Determined he pushed Yutaka’s hand away.

“Don’t touch me like that”, he said as sarcastic as possible. “I’m sexually frustrated at the moment. Kenji blocked the bathroom all morning.”

“What are you saying there?!”, Yutaka scolded, his voice interrupted with laughter.

He slapped the back of Shou’s head. It made Shou chuckle in return. He cherished those small moments of casual touches that didn’t make him feel weird and flustered and the sound of Yutaka’s laughter. Meeting him had made Shou even funnier. He tried his best to make him laugh over and over again.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry”, he admitted, turning his gaze to meet Yutaka’s eyes.

He wasn’t wearing lenses and the dark brown was a warm, beautiful colour. Both of them stopped laughing.

“You were mad we didn’t ask you to come, weren’t you?”, Yutaka asked, surprisingly serious all of a sudden.

It was hard to remember that he could be serious sometimes, but in fact he was hard working, not only with the band but also with his acting. You couldn’t do it without being serious sometimes.

“Disappointed”, Shou admitted. “It’s like you don’t want to hang out with me at all.”

He turned his gaze away.

“You know it’s not true”, Yutaka said.

He placed his hand on top of Shou’s thigh again. His palm was very warm. This time, Shou was sure, he was doing it on purpose.

He did not protest.

“I know I don’t enjoy this kind of stuff, but I feel like I let you down. I feel like a pretty disappointing band leader. You get along with each other and with the staff so well, while I have such a hard time fitting in.”

Shou hesitated. It wasn’t easy to be this honest, but if he could admit his feelings to someone, it was Yutaka for sure. He was his close friend. They had formed the band together. The struggles in the beginning, the long tours and endless discussions about new concepts had made him one of the people who knew Shou best. He even knew about all the character traits he would have preferred to hide.

“We all admire you immensely. You should know that. If you want to come, you should just say so. We are not mind readers”, Yutaka said.

His way of speaking always sounded a little harsh, but Shou understood how he meant it.

He looked up again. Yutaka’s eyes were still fixed on his face.

Suddenly, he felt slightly embarrassed. The feeling had stopped after living with his own appearance for so many years. He was even using it, making weird faces and showing off his teeth. But in situations like these – when someone whom he cared about looked at him too closely – Shou wished he could change his own looks. He knew that he was nowhere near as handsome as Yutaka and he assumed that, if he was, it would be easier to just say the words, to just confess how he felt about him for so long already. But the way he was now, he had nothing to offer to him. He wasn’t attractive and he wasn’t interesting. He was funny, but there were probably a lot of people funnier than him that Yutaka could choose from.

“I just wanted to spend time with you”, he said quietly.

Yutaka started to make soothing motions with his thumb dangerously close to the inside of Shou’s thigh, where the skin was sensitive and his nerves felt electrified.

“I want to spend time with you, too. I could have had a great career in a super interesting office job, but instead I decided to do something where I have to see your stupid face all the time”, Yutaka said.

His sarcasm made Shou snore.

“I’m sorry for my face”, he apologized, not sure where to look.

“Aah”, Yutaka hummed. “Just saying, I like your face.”

His hand slid up Shou’s thigh a tiny bit, and made his head spin. He wrecked his brain for a joking response, but all the blood he needed for thinking was currently rushing into the entirely wrong direction.

“I’ll keep it then”, he mumbled sheepishly.

“I’m glad. I was so worried you’d get a new one”, Yutaka said.

Shou snorted again, turning towards his friend. His body felt tense and they were sitting close. Yutaka had his shoulder turned sideways and Shou only needed to lean in a little bit for their lips to meet. Not that he was going to do it.

He was going to do the same thing he always did, when the air between them got that heavy feeling and Yutaka was too close and their voices started to get hushed for no specific reason.

He was going to remain entirely still and wait for it to pass.

He did not dare to kiss him and he did not dare to confess. But he did not dare to tell him to take away his hand either. He just couldn’t man up enough for it. All he could do was sit there, with his heart beating in his chest up way too high as if it was trying to climb up through his throat and shout out the words that Shou couldn’t speak.

He wished that it was as simple as it was in the stories; that there would be one last scene, where their eyes locked and both of them would lean forward in silent agreement and where the perfect kiss finally sealed their happily-ever-after.

He looked up.

Their eyes locked.

None of them moved.

There would be no happily-ever-after for them, because Shou knew perfectly well, that he was no Prince Charming.

But if he could steal a kiss – one single kiss, just between the two of them – maybe that would be enough. Maybe his heart would stop out of bliss before Yutaka’s reaction could break it.

He closed his eyes and leaned in like he had imagined so many times.

There would be no way to play it off as a joke afterwards, so he just had to hope that Yutaka would understand, that he would not wreck their friendship and that the hand on his thigh actually meant that he wouldn’t be judged.

Yutaka’s lips were soft and his fingers dug into Shou’s leg, but in a way that was pleasant and encouraging. He held the position, allowing himself to feel all the things that he had never allowed himself to feel before whenever they touched. Always had he been afraid that his face would show all too clearly how he felt, if one day he let his guard down just a fraction.

Now the dam burst and he felt good and excited, but the fluttering in his chest did not stop and it did not change and as he finally pulled back, he still was afraid.

Yutaka’s eyes were close and Shou could see every line on his face, the mole on his cheek and the hair strands sticking to his forehead. He smelled his perfume clearly.

“I’m …”, he began.

“Don’t you dare to apologize”, Yutaka said, louder than necessary so close to his face.

Shou didn’t quite know what to do with that reaction, but he wasn’t left with the time to think about it.

Yutaka grabbed his neck and pulled him close again and this time they were kissing for real. With a smooth movement, Yutaka got on top of him and sat down on his lap straddle legged. His tongue was in Shou’s mouth and the heart in his chest kept beating, but in a strange rhythm as if it had forgotten how it was supposed to work. It stumbled around behind his ribcage as if it desperately tried to remember the choreography to a very complicated dance.

Shou didn’t know where to put his hands. He didn’t know anything but that Yutaka’s mouth was on his, that he tasted hot and wet and slightly salty.

Only when they parted, his brain started to work again, but it wasn’t doing a very good job.

“What …?”, he said.

“I told you, I couldn’t read minds, stupid”, Yutaka scolded him. “I didn’t know if it was okay. But I’ve always wanted to.”

Shou could not ask what exactly he had always wanted to do, because Yutaka reached down and pulled his shirt over his head, tossing it over the bedside where it could join all the other dropped pieces of cloth on the floor.

Before Shou could study the body he already knew so well any closer, Yutaka kissed him again, passionately and slightly aggressive. Shou had always thought it would be slow and romantic and hesitant if it ever came to this, but Yutaka wasn’t the type for wasting time once he had set his mind to something.

Shou decided not to protest, because there was no breath left in his lungs anyway and because Yutaka’s skin felt so nice under his hands as he finally dared to touch him.

He ran his fingers over Yutaka’s back, feeling his spine underneath the warm skin. He ran his fingers down his chest, over the nipples that felt surprisingly hard and down to his belly where his body was softer. He stopped as he reached the waistband of his pants, breaking the kiss himself now to look at Yutaka.

Things were happening too fast and his mind didn’t have time to catch up. His legs felt numb with Yutaka’s weight and he realized he was grinning widely without meaning to as if his mouth was no longer his; as if his lips had been stolen away by their kisses.

“Slow down”, he begged, surprised that his voice sounded hoarse and that his lips felt swollen as if indeed Yutaka’s kiss had somehow changed him.

“So you can overthink and ruin this?”, Yutaka assured. “No way.”

He took hold of the hem of Shou’s shirt now and demonstratively pushed it upwards. Obediently Shou lifted his arms and watched the world go dark, before Yutaka’s smiling face reappeared from behind the fabric and his shirt hit the floor as well.

The good thing about Golden Bomber was, that nudity did not make him uncomfortable in the slightest. Whatever disappointment was waiting for him underneath those clothes – Yutaka had already seen it and decided to undress him anyway.

“What if the others come back?”, he whispered, but his resistance was already crumbling as Yutaka ran his hands over his shoulders.

His palms were warm, but the fingertips somewhat cold. It sent goose-bumps down Shou’s spine.

“We’ll tell them we are practicing for a new stage program”, Yutaka mumbled back, leaning in again.

Shou met him halfway and their kiss was slower this time. They had figured out each other’s pace by now, their tongues and lips and hands were slowly falling in sync with one another.

“Naked?”, Shou mumbled against Yutaka’s lips.

Yutaka leaned back a little to reply:

“That’s the authentic part.”

Shou laughed. It wasn’t a polite chuckle or giddy, hushed laughter. It was a real outburst that would have made him want to cover his face in public, the kind of laughing that shook his whole body. It was this quality he had always liked best about Yutaka; aside from everything else. He managed to take Shou by surprise.

He himself was the funny guy. He knew when people where joking. It could still be fun, it could still make him laugh, but it rarely hit him out of nowhere.

The sudden laughter seemed to take a heavy weight off his chest. It still felt tight when he looked at Yutaka, but also incredible wide at the same time. He felt as if he could suck in the whole world with a single breath, because he was happy and invincible, while simultaneously his feelings for Yutaka seemed to take up all the space in his whole body.

Lightly he placed his hand against the side of Yutaka’s face. He wanted to tell him how beautiful he was and how much he adored his features and the shape of his body and the sound of his voice, but he couldn’t just yet.

He felt his brain slowly switching itself back on and he wondered how those kisses would change their relationship and what it would mean for the dynamics of the band. They should take it slow and talk about what both of them wanted and not start something heated and unreasonable in the middle of a tour where there was no way to avoid each other if anything went wrong.

To stop himself from overthinking, he pulled Yutaka close again, kissing his lips and the side of his face. He drew a wet trail up to Yutaka’s ear with his tongue and felt him shudder on top of himself.

Fingers were caressing the side of his chest, wandering down and Yutaka pressed closer against him. The headboard was digging into Shou’s back, so he couldn’t move away, although he didn’t have any intention to do so anyway.

He pushed up his hips teasingly, making Yutaka jolt and chuckle somewhere close to his ear. The sound made Shou willing to stop thinking altogether.

Of course, that was the very moment the shouting started again.

“We’re back! What are you guys doing? Practicing for a new stage program?”

For a moment, Shou just wanted to close his eyes and pretend they were still alone in the room. Maybe he could wish them away, if he just pretended hard enough. He hadn’t even heard the door open.

But Yutaka already turned around on his lap.

“Yes, it’s a completely new concept. Very exciting. It’s something along the line of Why Do You Interrupt Us Having Sex Right Now”, he said, his tone somewhere between annoyed and joking.

“Oh, is that the name for the next tour?”, Kenji asked.

“Doesn’t sound like a completely new concept. More like everything we’ve ever done so far”, Jun criticized.

Now Shou did close his eyes. He needed a short break to collect himself.

“I thought you were at the hospital”, he forced out between gritted teeth.

“We were just talking to the staff downstairs and then waited for the elevator”, Kenji explained.

Shou lunged out at Yutaka and slapped him against the side of his head.

“You made it sound like it was serious! I thought we had several hours before they would come back”, he said.

“Well, Jun screamed like a little girl. I thought we had time”, Yutaka defended himself.

“I only turned my ankle”, Jun huffed.

“Jun always screams like a little girl”, Kenji added.

“You were molesting me again, that’s why”, Jun said, crossing the arms in front of his chest.

“I was hardly molesting you”, Kenji said.

Yutaka nodded and turned towards Shou again.

“He was hardly molesting him”, he agreed.

“Well”, Shou said and rubbed his forehead. He suddenly felt very tired again. He was tired with Jun and Kenji being here and so obviously not caring that they had disturbed them. With Yutaka for also not caring as much as he was supposed to care. And with the situation in general, for they had rushed things and now his emotional compass went crazy, because he didn’t know any more if he felt happy or angry or annoyed or horny and it was all just a big mess.

“Could you maybe give us a moment?”

Yutaka had not moved from his lap and his legs were feeling tired, too.

He caught Kenji looking to and fro between them and then his eyes widening for a fraction. He wasn’t wearing his Kabuki make-up today, so his expression was even easier to read then usual. The corner of his mouth softened a bit as if suddenly he did feel sorry for rushing in like that. It made something inside Shou’s chest soften as well.

“Sure”, Kenji said. “Jun and me will just go for a little walk. We’ll be back in an hour.”

“I don’t want to go for a walk! I turned my ankle”, Jun whined, obviously a little slower to catch on.

Kenji cast him a meaningful look and dragged him towards the door. Even from the corridor, Shou could still hear their arguing voices.

“Would you please?”, he asked and patted against Yutaka’s leg, signalling him to climb down from his lap.

Yutaka gave an annoyed sigh, but climbed down to sit next to him again.

“So you overthought?”, he made sure.

Shou gave a short nod.

“I’m going to kill those idiots”, Yutaka groaned.

Shou chuckled and boxed against his shoulder lightly.

“It’s not just that. We shouldn’t do this. Not right now. The tour is still ongoing and we don’t know where it will lead. It’s reckless.”

Yutaka gave him a grin that looked like the pure definition of reckless.

Smilingly Shou shook his head.

“You know I’m right.”

“As always”, Yutaka sighed.

“But I would love to take you out on a date once the tour final is over”, Shou suggested.

Half an hour ago he wouldn’t have imagined to ever speak those words so easily, but the taste of Yutaka’s lips had made him brave. And maybe just a little bit reckless, too.

“I’d love to take you to my bedroom once the tour final is over”, Yutaka said with an overly emphasized wink.

Shou shook his head and tried to laugh, but down in his stomach he felt a heavy knot that was excitement mixed with nervousness and all of his own insecurities.

Getting carried away had felt so easy just now, but he wasn’t sure about all the sudden sexuality. His thoughts towards Yutaka had always remained on a theoretical level. How attractive he was and that he wanted to be close to him, that he did not want him to be with other people and occasionally he might or might not have thought about him under the shower. But it had never felt like something that would actually happen someday and in his fantasies the scene had usually closed with a romantic kiss and a fade-out. In real life, there was no fade-out and that realization was thrilling and frightening at once.

“And what are we going to do now?”, he asked to change the topic, looking around the room helplessly.

“Now we both lock ourselves in the bathroom separately, I guess”, Yutaka said and made Shou laugh out again with surprise.

He looked at him affectionate, aware that his expression gave away all the things he had never said, but not able to stop himself.

Yutaka shuffled down on the pillows, lying down in bed and looking completely relaxed.

He petted the sheets next to himself.

Hesitantly, Shou slid down as well, lying down on his side. Both their upper bodies were still bare and he could sense the heat of Yutaka’s arm and chest although they were not touching directly.

“So?”, he asked.

Yutaka bend forward and gave him a short peck on the lips. It did not feel as weird as Shou had expected. It felt natural, as if they had done this for a long time already.

“Now, we’re going to take that nap”, Yutaka said. “It must be tiring to worry all the time.”

Shou closed his eyes. He had longed for a short break all day long. Indeed, he felt tired with everything.

Yutaka took his hand, their fingers entwined casually.

Shou had thought he would never be able to sleep with Yutaka this close to himself, but his head was already foggy with supressed slumber.

While drifting off to sleep, he thought that this was actually a lot nicer than what he had longed for. This was solitude and silence – made for two.