Golden Bomber Fanfiction

Nervously Jun folded and unfolded the napkin again. It was a cheap paper napkin. The family restaurant had been Yutaka’s suggestion, probably because it was close to his apartment. Shou had agreed, probably because the food was cheap, and that had settled things.

Jun would have felt weird to insist on a fancier place. After all, he hoped they would get over with this quickly. Depending on the reaction of his bandmates, sitting with them through a three-course meal afterwards was the last thing he wanted. If worst came to worst, he wanted to be able to grab his bag and run.

“So, what did you invite us for today, Jun?”, Shou asked. It was kind of adorable how he tried to host their conversations as their band leader at times but never managed to radiate any sense of authority.

Jun shuffled on his seat and finally put down the napkin.

It was rare for them to meet outside of work and now that the tour was over, they would usually avoid seeing each other for a while. His invitation must have sparked their curiosity. Jun felt sick.

“I asked you here today, because there is something I would like to share with you”, he said and cleared his throat.

He had practiced the words out loud in front of his bathroom mirror and it had felt relieving to hear them out in the open. But he hadn’t actually told anyone yet and the nerves upset his stomach and made his mouth taste weird.

Maybe it wasn’t a good idea to tell them. It wasn’t like they needed to know after all. It was just Jun’s business. It didn’t have to affect the band if he just managed to suppress it harder.

“Please tell me you are not going to invest in another café”, Yutaka groaned. “It’s not going to work this time either.”

Jun gritted his teeth.

“No, of course it’s not that. I was insecure whenever to tell you at all, but we work together so closely, so I feel like you deserve to know.”

He inhaled deeply. This was why he had to tell them. Because if it came out another way, it might affect all of them. He had to start telling people somewhere, if he ever wanted to come to terms with himself, and the people he was working with the closest were a good start. It seemed like a relatively safe space to test for reactions, too, although he was still scared of what might happen.

“Just spit it out already”, Shou urged.

The only one who hadn’t spoken at all yet was Kenji sitting right next to him. He never liked to engage in the conversation if he felt that the atmosphere was tense, but his calm felt somehow supportive. Jun resisted the urge to lean into him, just because Kenji felt so stable. He was scared of Shou being troubled by the news and of Yutaka making fun of him. He wasn’t scared of Kenji’s reaction though.

“I’m gay!”, Jun burst out.

Everyone at the table seemed to exhale with relief. Jun wondered what they had expected him to say that could possibly be worse.

“Okay”, Shou said calmly. “Thanks for telling us, Jun. We appreciate the trust you put in us. Of course, we will support you.”

Jun was surprised by his mature response. It sounded exactly like the kind of thing you would want for a reaction.

“Woah, that’s big news”, Yutaka said and ran his hand through his hair, which made it stick up in all directions. “Congrats, man.”

Jun sensed his shoulders slumping down. It felt like a physical weight had been lifted off him. Deep down, he had been scared of his bandmates rejecting him. But even if he had assumed they wouldn’t be hateful, he had been sure they would be awkward about it and make the whole situation uncomfortable by not knowing what to reply. However, both Shou and Yutaka seemed slightly surprised but very much at ease and genuinely happy for him.

Hesitantly, Jun turned to Kenji.

“Oh my god, Jun!”, he said. “I can’t believe this. It’s such a surprise! I’d never have seen this coming. I’m stumped!” He was emphasizing every word like a very bad actor at a school play.

“Kenji?”, Jun asked quietly.

“You? Gay? I mean, what?!”, Kenji carried on.

Jun turned his head to look at Yutaka and Shou on the other side of the table.

“Okay, what’s going on?”, he wanted to know.

“Nothing! I’m just surprised!”, Kenji said.

Shou hung his head.

“Kenji”, he said with a quiet sigh.

“Seriously, dude”, Yutaka said aggressively. “We’ve rehearsed it so many times and this is the best you can do?”

“I’m sorry”, Kenji whined.

“Wait, you’ve …?” Jun’s stomach twisted. “You’ve rehearsed this?”

“We just wanted to get it right”, Shou said apologetic. “Make you feel supported and safe.”

Yutaka pointed his thumb at Shou.

“Yeah, he was very troubled and googled how to react to your friend coming out correctly. Obviously, ‘well, duh’ would have been a hurtful reaction.”

“What?”, Jun asked. He didn’t know what else to say. He felt weirdly ambushed and all the relief from earlier was gone. He had prepared for this moment so much and somehow his bandmates didn’t seem to treat it very seriously.

“Hey, Jun”, Shou said and put his hand on the table as if he wanted to reach out to Jun but didn’t dare to touch him without permission. “We wanted to be prepared just in case, because we really care for you. I know it took courage to tell us, even if we kind of figured.”

His voice was warm and gentle and it nearly made the tears well up in Jun’s eyes.

“So, it’s …”, Jun broke off, because his voice cracked. “It’s not a problem for you?”

“Honestly, Jun, I thought you were openly gay when I hired you”, Shou confessed and smiled awkwardly. “It never occurred as a problem to me.”

Jun nodded shyly and looked over at Yutaka.

Yutaka held up his open palms as if he wanted to defend himself.

“Don’t look at me, I also thought you were gay right away.”

Jun made a face. It felt ridiculous that he himself had needed so long to figure it out. He felt slightly upset that his bandmates supposedly knew him better than he knew himself, but then, it was sort of comforting to know they had accepted him for who he was, before he had been able to even accept himself.

“Seriously, Jun”, Kenji said. He sounded genuinely cheerful and less stressed now that he could talk openly. “I’m happy for you. You deserve to be yourself.”

Jun smiled down on the table plate.

“Thank you, guys”, he said quietly. “Thanks for only being moderately weird about it.”

“It’s still cool to make gay jokes though, right?”, Yutaka asked.

Jun rolled his eyes.

“Don’t worry, I wasn’t expecting you to turn into a better person all of a sudden.”

“So, you won’t be bothered by us pretending to be gay on stage?”, Shou made sure and gestured among the four of them.

It made Jun smile, because it was very typical of Shou to worry about something like that. It was also like Yutaka to be rude about it, but at least he had tried. All of them were better than Jun had been willing to give them credit for.

“It won’t be any weirder than before”, Jun said and shrugged.

Shou made a troubled face. Even his cheeks wrinkled up when he did.

“And are you planning to … you know, make it public?” He was clearly uncomfortable now and obviously addressed it only, because he felt it was his duty as their bandleader.

Jun sucked on his lower lip. He had thought about it, but he hadn’t reached a conclusion yet.

“I’m not sure”, he admitted. “On the one hand, I feel like it would be great to function as a role model for fans who are struggling with their sexuality. But then, I’m not sure if it’s worth the hassle. And I’m not sure I’m ready for it yet.”

Just telling his bandmates had been scary already and he didn’t feel prepared to step out into the spotlight.

“Alright, take your time to think about it”, Shou said. “Just whatever you want to do, I promise it won’t affect your place in the band.”

Jun nodded and his eyes did get teary now.

“Thanks”, he said. Usually, the words seemed to spill from his lips even when he tried to hold them back, but today, he felt exhausted, as if the words already spoken had been so heavy, that they counted for a hundred words each.

There was a moment of silence and Jun wondered, if they were just going to order food now and eat as if nothing had happened, while to him, it felt as if he had just disarmed a potential bomb.

“On to the important things”, Yutaka said and slapped the table. “Now that you are gay, which one of us is the cutest?”

All Jun could do was roll his eyes again visibly. At least it kept him from outright crying.

“It’s not like I suddenly turned gay overnight”, he said. “Also, I don’t look at any of you that way. You’re like my brothers. You don’t need to worry about that.”

“Come on, don’t be a prude! Who of us is the most handsome?”, Yutaka kept nagging.

Jun wanted to be annoyed with him, but it was oddly comforting that Yutaka had to be his regular obnoxious self. It assured him that nothing had changed and that his bandmates would not treat him differently. They might just make fun of him for different reasons now. Though, his sexual orientation had always been pretty high up on the list anyway.

“Well, obviously Kenji is the most handsome member”, Jun said. “But anyone can see that. You don’t need to ask a gay man for that.”

“He’s got a point there”, Shou agreed and nudged Yutaka in the shoulder.

“Fair enough”, Yutaka said and nodded as if the matter had been settled with that.

“You guys, stop it”, Kenji said and laughed embarrassedly. Jun had always liked that about Kenji; that he was able to accept compliments without questioning them and yet never let them get to his head.

“Don’t take it the wrong way though”, Jun mumbled and looked down.

He was scared of blushing, although he hadn’t stated anything he hadn’t said before. Everyone knew that Kenji was handsome and of course, Jun enjoyed looking at him. But he was also very aware, that it was Kenji he was looking at each time. And Kenji was too gentle and too sweet and too easy to talk to and too caring and funny and kind to ever look at him objectifying. He would never fantasize about having sex with Kenji, because whoever got to have sex with Kenji would automatically want to hold his hand as well and play with his hair when he was sleepy and make soup for him when he was sick and be there for him always. He was too good to want anything less with him.

“Of course”, Kenji said and a quick glance told Jun that he was looking over at Shou and Yutaka somewhat helplessly. Jun hoped he hadn’t made him uncomfortable.

“And that was all you asked us here for today?”, Yutaka asked loudly. “No offense, but you could have posted that in the group chat, you know.”

Jun didn’t believe he meant it, but it was just like Yutaka to complain before they had even ordered.

“If that was all, I think I’m actually going home. I’m not hungry anyway.”

Jun raised his eyebrows at Yutaka. It was him who had suggested the place after all and not being hungry seemed pretty out of character as well.

“Right”, Shou said. “I also have this thing. Very important. Can’t miss it. I better go now as well. Absolutely can’t stay for lunch.”

“I bare my soul to you and you just leave right after?”, Jun made sure.

“I’ll stay”, Kenji said hastily and finally, Jun figured what was going on.

“Oh, alright”, he agreed and watched Yutaka and Shou get up. “See you at work then.”

“I guess, I should …” Kenji gestured to the seats opposite to them.

“Yeah”, Jun agreed. “Sure.”

Kenji got up and sat down at the other side of the table where Shou had sat before. He took up the menu and stared down on it, as if he had really just stayed to eat something.

Jun took the chance to study his face. Kenji’s dark hair was tied up in a bun and his features were very sharp and even. Up close you could see the small lines on his face, that were the only sign betraying his age at all. They didn’t make him look worn though, just added to his overall appeal.

Jun had always been attracted to handsome men, but Kenji had never fallen into that category for him. People like Jun Matsumoto were almost fairytale like creatures to him, that existed in an entirely different realm where they didn’t notice common people like himself. But Kenji had always been very real to him. He had wrinkles at the corner of his eyes and he had a smell - of aftershave in the morning and of face paint during shootings and of sweat right after their concerts. And he had a very loud laughter and he felt warm when Jun wrapped his arms around his waist from behind and his fingertips were usually calloused. And his presence never made Jun nervous but always calmed him down.

“Listen, Jun”, Kenji said and finally put down the menu. “I’m sorry about my reaction just now. I didn’t mean to be rude or to ruin the moment. You know I’m not very good with stressful situations.”

Jun thought that it was surprisingly considerate of Shou and Yutaka to leave just so Kenji could apologize.

“Why were you stressed, though?”, Jun asked, suddenly worried that his outing had made Kenji uncomfortable, because against all odds, he was bothered by Jun’s sexuality.

“I just wanted to get it right”, Kenji said. “I know this was hard for you, so I wanted to be as supportive as possible. And Shou and Yutaka told me over and over again to act surprised, so it would be your moment and your time to let us know, you know?”

Jun smirked and nodded. He was pretty sure that they hadn’t come up with that themselves. It sounded like advice Shou had most likely found on the internet.

“I really appreciate how much thought you guys put into it”, he said. “I do feel supported by you. It went over a lot better than I anticipated.”

He wouldn’t have admitted that in front of Shou and Yutaka, but with Kenji, it was easy to say it out loud. Jun had always felt the closest to him.

“Yutaka is probably mad at me, though”, Kenji said. “He really did make me practice.”

Jun chuckled. The idea of his bandmates rehearsing his coming out in a roleplay was pretty hilarious once he stopped to think about it.

“I thought it was a stupid idea to act surprised, though”, Kenji carried on. “It’s just, that I wouldn’t have been surprised regardless of who came out to me.”

Jun studied Kenji’s face closely. It was indeed hard to imagine him being scandalized by a coming out or judging another person based on their preference in a partner. Kenji wasn’t a very judgemental person.

“I never viewed sexuality as something so rigid”, Kenji explained. “You just happen to like someone, but it’s always because you get along well with them. And sometimes you get along well with women and sometimes with men, and maybe you only ever met women you liked and some day you meet one man and that’s okay too. I just always felt like there are more relevant criteria for liking someone than their gender.”

Slowly, Jun nodded. He couldn’t help wonder, if Kenji just viewed other people like that and it didn’t matter to him whom his friends dated, or if it was how he himself felt. He didn’t dare to ask though, if Kenji himself had ever happened to like another man before or if he was at least open to the possibility.

“That sounds nice”, Jun said and he really meant it. It was comforting to know that in Kenji’s eyes, you could always change and evolve without becoming invalid.

“How did you realize you’re …?” Kenji broke off. “I mean, what made you decide to tell us now? I don’t know how to put this.”

“Well, I didn’t wake up one morning and knew I was gay. It was more of a gradual process. And I just came to accept it now. I thought it would be good to tell you while there are no tour dates coming up and we could avoid each other in case things got ugly.”

“You should have known no one was going to judge you”, Kenji said softly.

“It’s hard to shake the fear anyway. Not so much of being insulted and kicked out of the band, but of you guys viewing me differently. Like, maybe you’ll feel uncomfortable getting naked in front of me from now on or something. I was scared of things changing. I still am.”

Once again, Jun realized how easy it was to confine in Kenji. He trusted him like no one else.

“I can assure you, there is absolutely nothing that could make me uncomfortable getting naked in front of anyone”, Kenji declared with such passion, that Jun couldn’t help snorting with laughter. He believed him though.

“Thanks, Kenji”, he said. He was still astonished by how life just went on and neither him nor his bandmates seemed to have changed.

“So, there is no one?”, Kenji asked and for the first time did he sound hesitant.

It took Jun a moment to understand the question.

“You mean, someone to cause my gay awakening? Some guy that swept me off my feet? No, nothing like that. It was more of an internal process. I’m not seeing anyone, in case you think that’s why I told you now. There have been crushes of course, that make a whole lot more sense in hindsight, now that I can see them for what they really were. And meetings with one guy, that looking back must have been dates without me being able to admit it. But nothing serious. I wasn’t ready for it yet.”

“And now?”, Kenji wanted to know.

Jun shrugged. The conversation was starting to make him queasy.

“Of course, I want to date. Or really just …” Jun wondered if it was okay to speak explicitly, but then, it was just Kenji. “Or just make out with a hot guy now that I can admit that’s what I want. But I’ve never been the most social person and I don’t see myself going out to gay bars to find someone to hook up with. For me, the most important thing is openly living as myself from now on. We’ll see what else happens.”

“You know, I’m widely considered to be a hot guy”, Kenji pointed out and laughed. Even when his laughter was so clearly embarrassed, it was still loud. “I know, you said we’re like brothers to you. But if you ever change your mind and want to gather some experience, then I’d be here for it.”

“That’s a very generous offer”, Jun said and tried to sound sarcastic in case Kenji was joking, but not too sarcastic in case he was just trying to be nice. “A little weird though. I don’t need a pity make-out session.”

“I didn’t mean it like that”, Kenji said gently. “But I told you, to me it only matters that you like a person. And I’ve always really liked you, Junjun. I just thought you should know.”

“Oh, okay”, Jun mumbled. He had no idea what that was supposed to mean. He wished Kenji would have been clearer. Was that meant as a confession? Or did it just mean that Kenji wasn’t physically appalled by him? The idea that Kenji might actually be in love with him seemed so absurd, that Jun assumed he just took being friendly to someone he cared about a little too far.

“So, if you ever want to spend the night, you can give me a call”, Kenji clarified and Jun thought that the offer sounded very casual indeed.

He cleared his throat.

“I don’t think that would work”, he said apologetic. “You’re just not the type of guy you call for the night.”

Kenji looked down on himself and for a moment, it seemed almost comical as if he was checking if he was suddenly caught in a less attractive body.

“It’s pretty much what people do, though”, Kenji said and briefly, Jun saw the insecurity in his eyes. He saw the genuine confusion what anyone could want with him otherwise, and the hurt that came from always being a fairytale creature to people and never real.

“You’re the type of guy you invite for dinner”, Jun clarified. “The type of guy you rent movies with and whom you make breakfast in the morning. The type of guy you take to meet your parents and whom you give keys to your apartment. You’re the type of guy where you do everything to get it right if you are lucky enough to have a chance.”

He hadn’t meant to say all that, to give away that much of how he felt. But the thought of anyone treating Kenji any different made him furious.

Kenji didn’t look taken aback though. His sharp features looked very soft all of a sudden and his eyes shone wetly. Kenji’s emotional face was as open and honest as his happy expression.

He put his hand onto the table between them with his palm up. Jun studied his hand for a moment, before he carefully reached out to put his own into it. Just a few months ago, he wouldn’t have dared to do something like that in a public space. But he had come here today to finally be open about who he was and what he wanted. And it felt freeing, but it was more than that. He had never dared to believe that if he just accepted himself, he could one day be this happy.

“Alright”, Kenji said softly. “How about we start with dinner then?”

„Just go over and talk to her already”, Yutaka urged quietly.

He didn’t know whom of the girls Shou had set his eyes on, but the glances he kept sneaking at the group of women opposite to their booth at the bar were more than obvious. Yutaka had waited to speak up until Jun and Kenji had went over to the counter to secure new drinks for themselves though. Shou was naturally self-conscious and Yutaka hadn’t meant to make him uncomfortable in front of the others. But his silent longing was becoming hard to bear.

“I can’t just do that”, Shou protested. Obviously, he knew what Yutaka was talking about immediately. He didn’t even seem surprised that Yutaka had noticed. “I’m not some kind of gigolo.”

Yutaka frowned. Although he was pretty good at seeing Shou through, he sometimes didn’t understand his reasoning anyway.

“Chatting up girls in bars and being a gigolo are two totally different things.”

Next to him Shou squirmed on the bench seat.

“I just don’t have that kind of confidence”, he whined.

“You are handsome, famous and you have money. Women have every reason to be interested in you. So, pull yourself together.”

Yutaka had lost count of how often he had given Shou similar pep talks already.

“I’m not”, Shou said right away. He cleared his throat. “I mean, I’m famous. And I do have money. But I’m not handsome.”

It was difficult to come up with the right reply to that. Yutaka never found the right words to talk about Shou’s looks.

“You should let them decide for themselves”, he pointed out.

Shou shifted his weight again. He reached down to check for the bag he kept on the floor between his legs. He had kept checking for it all evening, as if he was scared it might suddenly disappear.

“Please, if I go over there, I won’t even be able to look them in the eyes.” Shou winced.

Yutaka hoped that Jun and Kenji would hurry. The conversation was starting to make him uneasy. He didn’t know how to cheer Shou up without praising him, and he didn’t know how to praise him without making him uncomfortable. Being Shou’s friend could be difficult.

“What’s in the bag anyway?”, he changed the topic. Not the best solution, but at least a way to distract Shou from his self-pity.

“Ah, I wrote Party wo Tomenaide for that franchise, remember? They’re currently working on this magic suit and they gave me a prototype when I recorded the video for the self-cover. It’s supposed to make you cool and confident and popular with women.”

“And you brought it to the bar?” Yutaka hadn’t meant to let disdain sneak into his voice, but Shou pulled up his shoulders instinctively as if he wanted to shield himself from potential judgement.

“Just in case”, he said defensively. “We sometimes end up talking to women, when we’re in a group and I thought it might be a good chance to try it out. See if it even works. In case there is ever something I’ll need a lot of confidence for.”

Yutaka felt soothed to think Shou had only eyed the women as test objects to sate his curiosity about the suit and that he had not fallen in love from across the room. His tendencies in that regard were sometimes worrisome.

“Well then, give it a try”, he suggested. He had heard about the suit but hadn’t known Shou actually owned a prototype. He was curious, if it would work. Shou’s confidence could surely use an occasional boost and it would be great to no longer be the one responsible for it.

“If you insist”, Shou mumbled, but he was already fumbling with his bag. It was obvious he had only waited for some sort of permission.

He pulled out a suit coat and inhaled soundly before he got up. For a moment, he just stood there with the piece of clothing in his hands indecisively. Then he slipped it on in a surprisingly smooth motion.

All Yutaka did was blink and the next second, a completely changed person stood in front of him. Shou’s traditional Tamiya shirt had miraculously transformed into a silky, black suit. It even came with matching dress shoes. But it wasn’t just that. His hair had changed, too. It was styled in perfect shape and showed green streaks that made his look seem edgy and interesting. He was even wearing makeup that differed his usual style. A bright yellow flower stuck in his buttonhole.

Shou had transformed into someone so conventionally attractive, he might indeed start working at a host club.

Absent-mindedly he straightened his suit coat and turned towards the group of women.

He looked dazzling, but almost like a stranger.

Yutaka was surprised that he hesitated for so long before approaching the women anyway. He followed him with his eyes, curious how this would turn out.

Shou’s posture seemed straighter than usually as he walked through the room, yet he still managed to look awkward. He looked like a person who was arguing with himself about every step.

Finally, he stopped right behind a cute girl with bangs. Yutaka should have been able to guess it was her whom Shou had been watching. He would have chatted up her more light-haired friend, but when it came to Shou, she was just his type.

The girl didn’t notice him, though.

Shou just stood for a moment, although her friends had already noticed him. Seemingly, Shou had no idea how to draw attention to himself. He hesitated for far too long, before he reached out and tapped the girl on the shoulder. She flinched, which caused Shou to jolt in return and the whole situation was so awkward to watch, that Yutaka winced under his breath. The good looks and the confidence to approach women had done nothing for Shou’s coolness.

The girl turned around and even from across the room, Yutaka could tell that she seemed startled at Shou’s appearance. Her expression wasn’t annoyed but spoke of pleasant surprise. If a girl looked at you like that at first sight, it was very difficult to blow it.

Even from across the room Yutaka could tell that Shou would blow it.

Instead of looking at the girl while talking, he kept his eyes on the ground and his posture shifted, making it seem as if he wanted to curl back up into himself. He looked exactly as miserable and self-conscious talking to women as he had as a teenager. Everything about his body language radiated insecurity.

Yutaka sighed.

The woman shook her head. Instead of taking it with dignity, Shou managed to look even more miserable. Knowing him, Yutaka assumed he was probably blushing. He still didn’t make eye-contact.

After a very painful minute, Shou turned around and shuffled back to their table. He no longer seemed confident at all. His outward handsomeness remained, but it didn’t match with the way he carried himself at all.

“Sorry”, Yutaka said. “At least now you know.”

Shou sat down on the bench next to him again. Yutaka noticed that he wasn’t slumping down as usual, though, but sat surprisingly straight. It made him look taller and more self-assured.

“Too bad the suit is not working.”

“Oh, I don’t mind”, Shou said and turned towards him. His voice wasn’t as quiet and gloomy as Yutaka had expected. He spoke smugly. “I’d rather spend my time with you anyway.”

Yutaka eyed him suspiciously. The makeup suited him; his features looked more contoured and his skin smooth. His lips were always wide, but tonight they glistened invitingly. It was still Shou’s face, but the makeup brought out all its good qualities more strongly.

“What?”, he asked.

“Why would I waste my time with these women, when I can spend the night with a pretty guy like you?”, Shou asked. He was meeting Yutaka’s eyes head on. That was rare for him already, but tonight his gaze was challenging rather than stubborn.

Yutaka was so irritated by his unnaturally confident tone, that it took him a moment to realize what was going on.

“Oh, ha ha, very funny”, he said dryly.

“I mean it”, Shou insisted and placed his hand on Yutaka’s shoulder. He often did that, especially when he got tipsy and he had already had a couple of beers tonight, though by no means enough to justify him acting so out of character. His touch right now felt different, however. He wasn’t just seeking out body contact, he was using the gesture as an excuse to lean in, bringing them closer together. Suddenly, Yutaka was very aware of how close Shou was sitting.

“Let me buy you a drink”, he said, before turning around. Shou usually hated calling over the waiter and when they went to a restaurant together, he normally left it to the others. He was too shy and polite to raise his voice at strangers.

Now, he raised his arm and called out loudly: “Excuse me?” to make the young waitress turn around. “A bottle of champagne, please. Your most expensive one.”

The waitress nodded and headed off.

Shou turned back to Yutaka.

“Champagne? The expensive one? What’s gotten into you?”, Yutaka asked, still irritated. Before this, he could have written it off as a joke, but Shou would never waste money just to prank him. “You never order anything high-end.”

He still felt like he was talking to a stranger.

“Nothing but the best for my kitten”, Shou said.

Yutaka chocked.

“What?! What did you just call me?”

“Kitten”, Shou repeated. He sounded hoarse. His eyes trailed down Yutaka’s body and he didn’t try to hide the fact that he was shamelessly checking him out. It made Yutaka feel unexpectedly hot.

“Unless you prefer another pet name?”

And then Shou smiled.

It wasn’t a smug, cocky smile. His smile was warm and genuine and it looked just a little bit insecure as if he worried that he had crossed a line. It made Shou look shy and kind and charming. His teeth weren’t showing, but his lips seemed even wider and absolutely gorgeous and the small dimple on his left cheek didn’t seem as misplaced as usual, but it fit in perfectly with his handsome face. The smile turned him from a stranger into nothing but Shou, but the best version of Shou that he could possibly be. It was Shou the way he would look if he were no longer worried and self-deprecating; still shy but no longer scared.

Yutaka’s knees grew weak. But it wasn’t just his knees. It was his shoulders that suddenly held no tension anymore and his arms, that turned into butter and his whole body felt like it might just melt away when Shou smiled at him like this and called him cute names.

“Uhm”, he said.

“Your champagne”, the waitress interrupted them and Yutaka turned hastily, glad for the interruption that allowed him to clear his head. Something about this suit seemed to be working at least.

The waitress placed a bucket filled with ice on the table, that held a bottle of champagne. Steam was rising from the bottleneck, indicating that it had just been opened. Yutaka hadn’t expected it to be done for them already, but it was probably better that way. They would surely have created a mess otherwise.

The bottle came with four glasses and only their sight made Yutaka realize he had completely forgotten about Jun and Kenji. He wondered what was taking them so long.

“Let me get that for you”, Shou offered, although Yutaka hadn’t moved to fix himself a glass at all.

Shou placed his fingers on Yutaka’s wrist as if he wanted to physically stop him from helping himself. Once again, the gesture wasn’t untypical for Shou. He often touched people while talking to them, but this time, it had a different quality. Usually, his touches were distracted as if he didn’t really notice what his body was doing at all. But right now, he looked down on his hand resting on Yutaka’s bare wrist, and then he looked up, meeting his eyes, as if he wanted to make absolutely sure, that Yutaka became aware of the contact. His touch was fully intentional this time and Yutaka sensed heat creeping up his neck.

The touch lasted just long enough to not feel accidental, then Shou pulled back and reached for the bottle of champagne instead. He closed his long, slender fingers around the bottleneck firmly and took up a glass. His movements were secure and controlled. Yutaka had always admired Shou’s hands, that seemed too elegant and coordinated for someone who moved the way he did. But when it came to his hands, Shou always seemed to know what he was doing.

He poured a glass of champagne without spilling a drop and held it out to Yutaka.

Yutaka thought that with all the things that had changed, Shou’s hands had stayed exactly the same.

He took the glass and Shou held his gaze for a moment. It was Yutaka, who looked away first. Shou was wearing coloured lenses and his eyes were bright and intriguing. He didn’t seem in a hurry as he poured himself a glass as well.

Yutaka watched his movements closely. He could still recognize Shou’s way of moving, but he seemed less stressed and therefore less awkward. The only real difference seemed to be, that he was relaxed for a change and Yutaka wondered, if Shou would always look this sexy, if only he managed to put him at ease more.

Shou placed the bottle back into the bucket and held up his glass to Yutaka while meeting his eyes again.

“To a night full of fun”, he said. He said it like he was thinking of something dirty.

“To a fun night”, Yutaka agreed and clinked his glass to Shou’s. He did his best to make it sound less suggestive.

He emptied half of the glass in large gulps. The champagne made him feel bubbly inside, but he doubted it was because of the alcohol. This version of Shou made him nervous.

“Tastes expensive”, he observed lamely, although he couldn’t tell one champagne from the other.

Shou smiled again and once more, Yutaka thought that his lips looked stunning tonight.

“Oh, you guys ordered champagne!”, Kenji’s voice chimed in unexpectedly.

“When did you change, Shou? Is that the magic suit?”, Jun asked and pulled up his chair to sit down opposite to them.

Although Yutaka had hoped to be rescued from this weird tension, he still felt mad at them for interrupting.

Kenji placed himself on the bench next to Shou.

“He brought the suit to the bar to pick up girls, but it doesn’t work”, Yutaka declared maliciously. He was no longer sure if he was annoyed with Jun and Kenji for showing up, or for staying away for so long, or with Shou for acting so weird in the first place.

Shou patted the bench next to himself.

“Here, Kenji, come closer”, he said.

Kenji shuffled closer.

“Why?”, he asked. It was very much like Kenji to comply first and ask questions later.

Shou raised his hand and ran his forefinger across Kenji’s sharp jawline.

“So I can get a better look at your handsome face.”

Something inside of Yutaka constricted uncomfortably. He didn’t know why he felt so upset, but he couldn’t deny that he felt jealous of Kenji. Since the suit hadn’t worked on the girls, he had assumed it was only him having this effect on Shou.

“Oh god, what’s up with you?”, Jun asked, sounding seriously worried.

Kenji gave an embarrassed sound, but started pouring champagne for him and Jun as well without waiting for an invitation.

“The suit is turning him gay”, Yutaka explained nonchalantly and emptied his own glass.

“What’s turning me gay is sitting here with such cute guys”, Shou said lightly. He didn’t sound embarrassed at all. Rather than joking, he seemed flirting.

“That’s disturbing”, Jun said somewhat too loudly. “Someone get him out of this suit!”

Shou batted his eyelashes before looking right at Jun at the other side of the table.

“Please, Jun”, he said. “If you want to undress me, all you have to do is ask.”

Jun made a startled noise that turned into a mixture between a nervous laugh and a cough.

Yutaka placed his glass on the table too soundly.

Shou turned towards him. He leaned in closely.

“Don’t be jealous, kitten”, he said lowly. “I haven’t forgotten about you.”

Yutaka wondered how Shou had noticed his feelings without even looking at him, when Yutaka had troubles naming them himself. He felt oddly happy when he heard the pet name again. Shou hadn’t used it for Jun and Kenji. Maybe that meant something.

“I’m not jealous”, he lied and reached for the bottle of champagne. “I just need more alcohol, if you’re going to stay like this.”

He poured himself the rest of the champagne until his glass was so full, it nearly overflowed, before he put the empty bottle back onto the table.

Shou pulled the flower from his buttonhole. Up close, Yutaka could tell that it was a yellow rose.

“Here”, Shou said. When his voice was so low and deep, Yutaka’s body turned into butter again. He wondered, if Shou had the same effect on Jun and Kenji while wearing the suit.

“What are you doing? Get that thing out of my face!”

“Take it”, Shou insisted. “This one is only for you. To remind you, that you’re special to me.”

Yutaka hesitated. He wished Shou would sound joking, because a joking Shou was something he knew how to deal with. He still had the feeling that he was getting pranked, but he didn’t know how to avoid it.

He took the rose gingerly and placed it on the table plate demonstratively instead of keeping it in his hands. Shou’s facial expression was impossible to read. Yutaka could not tell, if he had offended him.

“It’s empty already?!”, Kenji complained. He had taken up the champagne bottle and studied it in disbelief.

“I can order another round!”, Shou offered right away and already raised his hand, but luckily, Kenji stopped him.

“It’s fine”, he said quickly. He seemed to be a little uncomfortable around this new version of Shou as well.

“Yes, I think it’s time we all go home”, Jun confirmed.

“No!”, Shou protested. “No, no! This party can’t stop! We have to keep drinking! Let’s celebrate all night.”

“It’s late”, Kenji pointed out.

“And you seem to need rest the most”, Jun agreed.

“You should take off this suit”, Kenji added. He spoke very gently, not like he was soothing Shou, but as if he was seriously worried about him.

“They’re right”, Yutaka said softly. He realized that he was worried about Shou, too. Tonight, he seemed unpredictable and possibly reckless. “Let’s pay the bill and then I’ll take you home.”

Shou turned and looked at him cheekily.

“I see, so you want to continue the party elsewhere.” His tone left no room for wondering what kind of party he had in mind.

“What? No!”

“I’ll take you to a fancy hotel”, Shou suggested and this time, he leaned in so far that Yutaka involuntarily pulled back. “Just give me a chance. If you let me, I’ll make you feel things that no woman has ever made you feel before.”

Yutaka’s neck felt hot again and now his face started to heat as well. He thought of everything that entailed. He thought of feeling Shou inside of him.

“Just let me try”, Shou coaxed, but he no longer sounded flirtatious. He sounded like he was begging. The despair in Shou’s voice scared him. He didn’t know what to do with it.

“Shou”, he said as sternly as possible and grabbed him by the shoulder to push him back. It felt like dealing with someone, who was very, very drunk. “It’s really time you take off that suit and get some sleep.”

Shou pulled back from his touch and wrinkles were showing around the root of his nose. The lines made his face look so characteristically himself, that Yutaka felt almost relieved.

“I don’t want to”, Shou said and finally, he sounded like his stubborn self again. “I don’t want this party to end.” He seemed to be repeating the words like a spell now and gestured towards the table as if he wanted to include everything. “I don’t want this night to end. I want to stay with you all night.” He gestured towards himself. “Like this.”

Yutaka didn’t fully understand what Shou meant, but his emotions seemed so raw and honest, it pained him anyway.

“You can’t, Shou. You are not yourself.”

Shou hung his head.

“I am”, he said. “I am.”

“Hey”, Yutaka said gently and touched his arm. Jun and Kenji stayed out of the conversation like they always did, when Shou turned difficult. It was only ever Yutaka, who managed to soothe him. “You need some rest.”

“Fine”, Shou agreed reluctantly. “But you have to take me. And I’m keeping on the suit.”

“Okay.” Yutaka sighed. He figured they could argue over the details later. He looked up at their bandmates. “Why don’t you guys go pay? We’ll pay you back later. I’ll make sure Shou gets home safely. Maybe the fresh air will help.”

“Alright”, Jun agreed. The fact, that neither of them argued about splitting the bill immediately although it contained the expensive bottle of champagne proved they were all irritated by Shou.

“Come here”, Yutaka said as gently as possible and took Shou’s arm to pull him up from the bench. “Let’s get you home.”

Shou followed without resistance. He picked up his bag, that was now empty and allowed Yutaka to guide him over to the front door of the bar.

It was colder outside, although the temperatures were warm enough that they didn’t need a jacket. The cold air cleared Yutaka’s mind a little, but finally getting some distance to Shou certainly helped as well. Inside the bar, he had started to feel dizzy.

Yutaka pulled out his phone and opened an app.

“I think I’m going to call us a cab, alright? We can’t take the train with you looking like this. Also, you might try to pick up random guys, if we don’t get you home straight away.”

“You’re jealous again”, Shou observed and this time, he sounded gleeful.

“I’m not”, Yutaka muttered and requested a ride before putting the phone back into his pocket.

When he looked up, he realized Shou was standing awfully close again. The suit seemed to be making him taller as well, because Yutaka had to look up to him slightly. Maybe it was just his straight posture in combination with the heel of the dress shoes though.

“Have you heard of personal space before?”, he complained and took a step backwards.

Shou took a step forward immediately. If anything, he was standing even closer than before.

“Sorry, that my handsomeness is making you nervous”, he said with a sleek grin. Yutaka had not thought that to be sentence he would ever hear from Shou unironically.

“Uh”, Yutaka said. He had been meaning to deny it, but Shou’s face was so close now, that he forgot how to say words.

“Shh, kitten”, Shou said quietly. He reached up and cupped Yutaka’s face with both hands. His touch was gentle but very secure. Yutaka could sense how bony and strong his fingers felt. They were surprisingly cool.

He knew that he was supposed to pull back, but he stood frozen, and he felt guilty for that. He knew that Shou was not himself and it was up to him to keep the situation from getting weird. But truth was, that he liked the way Shou touched him and he liked it when he held his gaze for so long and he liked it, when he called him kitten.

“Don’t”, he forced out softly anyway. “You can’t just do something like that in public.”

They were the only ones out on the street, but someone might walk out of the bar any moment. Anyone could see them.

“I don’t care”, Shou said. “I don’t want to worry about who could possibly see us. I’m tired of always worrying. I just want to kiss you.” He paused. “May I?”

Yutaka knew exactly what the answer was supposed to be. Under no circumstances could he allow this to happen, because it was reckless and dumb and moreover immoral.

“Yes”, he whispered.

Shou leaned in and kissed him with astonishing force. His kiss wasn’t hesitant at all. He kissed like he knew what he wanted. His lips were soft and his hold on Yutaka was firm. It made him feel very safe and oddly frail. He parted his lips and allowed Shou to kiss him like no one had ever kissed him in a public space before. Their teeth clicked together and Shou’s nose brushed his cheek and when he pulled back eventually, Yutaka was out of breath.

Shou looked at him and he broke into that sweet, bashful smile again, that looked so much like him, except lighter and happier than Yutaka had ever seen him before.

For a moment, he thought that he might just give in. He considered going back to a hotel with this new version of Shou, who would hold him in his strong arms and whisper sweet nothings into his ear and kiss him full of confidence. Yutaka would grow weak in his arms, because he was handsome and cool and self-assured.

But it wasn’t real.

“Stop it”, he said as gently as possible as Shou moved to lean in once again. “This is no good.”

“We can go somewhere more private”, Shou offered immediately.

Yutaka shook his head.

“It’s this suit. There is something wrong with it. It obviously works on men instead of women. It’s making you weird. You need to take it off.”

“No, no, please”, Shou said and he reached up instinctively, clawing his hand into the lapel of the suit coat as if he was scared Yutaka might try to tear it off. “This suit is not changing me. It’s just making me more confident. It’s … This is me. This is the version of me that’s in my head. It’s who I want to be. All the time. I don’t want to … I can’t let this end. I want to stay this version. I don’t want this party to end.” Vaguely he gestured back to the bar.

“So, you want to be someone, who promiscuously hits on all of his bandmates?” It had been meant as a joke, but it came out bitter. The way Shou had touched Kenji’s face made their kiss just now meaningless – regardless of whenever it was the suit or something Shou repressed violently.

“I want to be someone who is at terms with and open about his sexuality”, Shou blurted out.

Yutaka was pretty sure that the surprised was written all over his face. Before tonight, Shou had never indicated liking men at all.

“I want to be able to joke about it”, Shou said. “I don’t want to hide from the people closest to me. But most importantly, I want to show you how I feel. You’re the person I …”

He finally let go of his suit coat and his arm dropped down by his side as if he no longer had the energy to gesture at all.

“I wanted to try if the suit worked. I thought, if it does, I’d one day wear it to tell you. I wasn’t meaning to do it right away. Things got out of hand. I was scared of this night ending, because … I don’t know what will come afterwards.”

Yutaka licked his lips.

“So, you …?”, he started, but didn’t know how to finish the question.

“Yeah”, Shou confirmed. “I love you. And when I’m wearing this suit … when I’m wearing it, I’m cool and handsome. I’ll keep wearing it. And if you give me a chance, I think I can make you like me a little too. You allowed me to kiss you like this. You are at least somewhat attracted to me in this suit. I can be this version of myself for you. I’ll keep being it.”

Yutaka shook his head slightly.

“What are you going to do?” He wasn’t mocking Shou. He was sad, because Shou sounded so desperate. “Keep wearing the suit in your sleep?”

Shou shrugged and smiled helplessly.

“I hope they’ll design magic pyjamas soon”, he said.

Yutaka looked at Shou and all he saw was a handsome host. He had no idea where the despair in his voice was coming from. It was as if he couldn’t see below the pretty surface at all.

“Aren’t you going to say anything?”, Shou plead. “I confessed to you. Don’t I deserve an answer?”

“Please, take off the suit”, Yutaka said. He suddenly felt exhausted. He was tired of dealing with this person in front of him. He just wanted to talk to his friend. “I want to give you a proper reply, but I can’t when you are wearing this suit.”

“It makes me better”, Shou insisted.

“This …” Yutaka gestured towards Shou and the green streaks in his hair. “I feel like I’m talking to a stranger. I need to make sure it’s really you.”

Shou looked at him for a long time and Yutaka was convinced he would decline. But then he nodded and slowly took off the suit coat.

He blinked and then Shou was already different.

He was back in his Tamiya shirt, his arms bare and pale and awkwardly holding on to the suit coat. His hair was blonde again and looked uncombed because he had run his hands through it early this evening. His face was flushed and bare and his eyes were tiny, but dark and so much warmer than when he was wearing coloured lenses. He kept his eyes cast down and yet Yutaka had the feeling he was seeing them for the first time tonight. He seemed small, hunched over once again and his head too large for his shoulders, making him look frail and in need of protection.

Yutaka felt a giant wave of affection rushing through him and he had to stop himself from wrapping his arms around Shou.

He had missed him. He had missed him so much more than he had ever expected. And he thought that this awkward little guy with the small eyes and the messy hair was the most beautiful version of a human being possible.

“Hey”, he said quietly.

Shou looked up briefly, but he didn’t manage to hold his gaze for too long, just as it had always been.

“Hey”, he replied.

“Do you …?” Yutaka broke off. For a moment, he considered that Shou might have forgotten about everything that had happened tonight. “Do you still feel the same? Without the suit?”

“Yeah”, Shou confirmed. “The same. Plus, an awful lot of regret for saying it out loud.”

Yutaka chuckled.

“I’m sorry for making you uncomfortable.” Shou looked down onto the suit coat in his hands. His hands still looked the same. “I behaved awful tonight. Sorry for putting you into a position like this. Let’s just forget I ever said anything. In fact, let’s just forget about this entire night.”

Worried lines were showing everywhere on Shou’s face. His face looked all weird and wrinkly. He looked like his old gloomy, over-thinking self again.

“I should probably burn this thing to make sure I never do anything this stupid again.”

“You probably should”, Yutaka agreed.

Shou had looked happier when wearing the suit, more relaxed. Yutaka wanted him to look this happy always, but he knew they’d have to find a different way for that.

“Sorry”, Shou mumbled again.

Yutaka paused for a moment.

“Though, if I’m honest, I’m going to miss you calling me your kitten”, he confessed jokingly.

Shou looked irritated. Yutaka let him suffer for just a few seconds more.

“I’m also going to miss you kissing me”, he added.

Shou looked up and sucked in his lower lip. His teeth were showing visibly. He looked by no means conventionally attractive and Yutaka loved him for that.

“Really?”, Shou asked insecurely.

“Really”, Yutaka assured him without hesitation.

Shou started smiling and it was the same smile as before. The warm one with the cute dimple, that made his lips look gorgeous and that was shy and hesitant, but finally happy without a trace of worry. And Yutaka thought, that they were going to get there and that they wouldn’t need a magic suit for it at all.

„Now, let’s get to the good part”, Shou announced and eyed the three gift bags piled up in front of him. “Though your presents are usually shit. You never get me anything useful.”

Yutaka thought of rolling his eyes, but decided that it would be a little over the top. He felt self-conscious when the cameras were on them and tried to keep his expression as indifferent as possible. The viewers were supposed to laugh about the presents without getting distracted by their bickering.

He rolled his eyes mentally, though, because Shou always overdid it with the usefulness of his presents.

“Well, we’re only allowed to spend 1000 yen!”, Jun defended himself. “You don’t really get anything good for that.”

“I think you just suck at picking gifts”, Shou muttered and grabbed the first gift bag.

For a moment, Yutaka felt nervous that Shou would pick his one first, although he had put it out of his reach further than the others on purpose. But Shou seemed to understand the hint. Yutaka felt confident, that he had come up with something funny this year and they usually tried to put the most ridiculous gift last for the joke to hit harder.

Shou fumbled with the bag.

Yutaka hoped that neither Kenji nor Jun would steal the show, but he doubted they had thought of anything nearly as good. He had really outdone himself this year. He couldn’t wait to see Shou’s face.

“Oh, great”, Shou said dryly and held up a book. “Another photobook by Kenji. I can add it to my collection.”

“The new one was released after your birthday, so I thought you might want a copy!”, Kenji chimed. “It contains pictures of me. Isn’t that an amazing present?!”

Shou looked down on the cover with slight disdain.

“Because I don’t see enough of you on tour”, he said and put the book down.

Yutaka knew that he wasn’t going to open it. Shou felt that looking at his bandmates’ photobooks was somehow inappropriate. Which was ridiculous in case of Kenji specifically, because they had all seen plenty of nude pictures of him already. Sometimes, Yutaka thought that he knew Kenji’s body better than his own.

“Aren’t you happy?” Kenji was shouting. He sounded cheerful and it was hard to tell if he expected Shou to be overjoyed for real. His voice was teasing yet proud at the same time. Kenji loved showing off his body.

“I’m delighted”, Shou said sarcastically.

“If you liked that, you’re going to love my gift”, Jun said.

Shou made a face, indicating that he was expecting the worst.

He picked up Jun’s bag.

Yutaka licked his lips nervously. He really hoped the gift was going to be as unspectacular as Kenji’s photobook.

Shou reached into the gift bag, making a big show out of feeling around in it.

“There is nothing in there!”, he complained. “Did you get me something this small?”

“It’s not about the size”, Jun said.

Yutaka smirked, but refrained from making a joke.

Finally, Shou pulled something from the bag and held it up. If anything, his expression was even more grim this time.

“Thanks, Jun”, he said without any enthusiasm. “Just what I needed.”

Yutaka looked at the acrylic stand in Shou’s hand, that showed Jun mostly dressed in white.

Shou placed the item on top of Kenji’s photobook and looked down on them for a moment.

“Do you really hate me this much?”, he asked.

“Oi, those are good presents!”, Kenji shouted.

“You can put it on your shelf, so I’ll always be watching over you!”, Jun added.

“Sounds like my personal nightmare”, Shou muttered and pulled the last gift bag towards himself. “This better be good, Yutaka. If it’s something with your face on it, I’m going to scream.”

“Don’t worry”, Yutaka said with a grin. “This one is going to be good.”

Shou gave him a doubtful look, before he put his hand into the bag.

Yutaka’s heartbeat picked up pace. He really hoped this was going to turn out as funny as it had in his imagination. Shou talked about his AV watching habits openly, yet he got flustered by things like looking at a bandmate’s photobook. Yutaka was curious into which category this gift would fall. A part of him really was curious how Shou felt about these things, although that intention had been secondary of course. Yutaka was mostly aiming for a laugh here.

Shou felt around and his eyes widened in a comical expression. He was clearly putting on a show for their viewers, but it still made Yutaka feel giddy with anticipation.

“Well, I know exactly what this feels like”, Shou observed. “But I doubt …”

He pulled the gift out of the bag.

“Oh, never mind”, he said and held the flesh-coloured dildo up for the cameras. Yutaka wondered, if they were going to blur it. He had gone for a naturalistic look. “This is exactly what it felt like.”

“You said you wanted something useful”, Yutaka said, pleased with himself. Even from where he was seated, he could see that the comment section was going wild. “And this is the only one of the gifts you can actually use.”

“Oi!”, Jun protested.

Yutaka looked at him with a stern expression.

“Name one thing you can actually use an acrylic stand for”, he challenged him.

“That … that thing isn’t much better”, Jun said and pointed to the dildo, that Shou was still weighting in his hand.

“Well, I can name one use for it at least”, Yutaka countered. “If you want me to elaborate …”

“Shut up!”, Jun shouted and nearly broke down on his table with laughter. He always laughed harder, when he felt embarrassed.

Kenji was cackling as well.

Shou put the dildo down on Kenji’s photobook quite carefully.

“I thought the other presents were giving me the finger already, but this one takes the message of ‘Go fuck yourself’ to a whole new level.”

Yutaka couldn’t help laughing. This was what he had always liked about Shou. He was funny, not just when it came to writing shows and developing concepts, but he was also spontaneous and never missed a beat. Secretly, Yutaka had hoped he would get a little more flustered about the present, but he took it with dignity; not giving away how he felt about this kind of toy in general.

“You’re welcome”, he said.

“But isn’t it too big?”, Kenji chipped in. “I mean, look at how big it is! And Shou is so small!”

“Fuck you too, Kenji”, Shou huffed.

“Seriously, get up, get up!”, Kenji shouted.

Shou sighed loudly but got up from his seat.

Yutaka snatched the dildo and held it up next to Shou’s hip for comparison.

“Kenji’s right”, he agreed. “If you shove it up your ass, it’s practically going to come back out of your mouth.”

“Oh god, do you have to talk like that!”, Jun complained hysterically. “Just put that thing away.”

Yutaka noticed that he eyed the dildo as if it was a weapon that might attack him anytime.

“There is no way it will fit!”, Kenji repeated. “It’s even bigger than Jun. Look at the girth. And Shou’s anus is so small!”

“Could we not discuss my asshole in public?”, Shou asked and sat down again.

Kenji leaned over the table and formed a small circle with his fingers, that he held right into the camera. “It’s this tiny!”, he shouted.

Yutaka turned and slapped the dildo right into Jun’s face.

Jun started screaming.

Yutaka laughed maliciously.

“Kenji, stop that, put your hand down”, Shou scolded, but he had to laugh in spite of himself.

“Take that thing out of my face, you are being gross!”, Jun shouted, while Yutaka still tried to rub the toy against Jun’s face. Jun raised his arms to defend himself, but he did it so uncoordinatedly, that he nearly fell off his chair.

“It’s not gross. It hasn’t even been used”, Yutaka disagreed. “Yet.”

“Don’t make me think of it!”, Jun protested.

“He’s not going to use it. It’s too big”, Kenji insisted once again.

The only one, who didn’t say anything about possibly using it or not, was Shou himself. It only made Yutaka more curious.

Jun finally lowered his arms to stop fighting and Yutaka lost interest immediately. He put the dildo back down onto the photobook. He still wondered, if they had blurred it. If so, his attack on Jun must have looked pretty ridiculous to the audience.

“You still have to chose your favourite”, Yutaka pointed out.

“Right!”, Kenji agreed. “Please pick your favourite gift.”

“It’s really going to be a tough decision”, Jun said. As usual, he sounded nervous for no specific reason.

Shou stared down on his gifts with an indifferent yet somehow resigning expression.

Yutaka licked his lips. He wasn’t sure what Shou was going to pick. Of course, it would be the gift of which the choice would be funniest to the fans. Shou was that type of person. Yutaka felt oddly stressed, because he himself wouldn’t know how to play off any of the choices as a joke. Maybe he’d pick Jun’s acrylic stand and claim it was at least good for throwing things at.

“I pick the dildo”, Shou finally said after a long pause. “It’s an awful present, but it’s the only one where I don’t have to see one of you idiots.”

“I knew you’d like it, homo”, Yutaka said smugly, but he couldn’t deny that he felt a little surprised. He would have expected Shou to be too uptight to even joke about it. Just sometimes, he wondered about Shou sexual orientation, but he had never dared to ask.

One of the staff members rushed in to collect the items from Shou’s desk to create space for him, although they had already reached the end of the stream anyway. The opening of the gifts had been the climax so to speak.

“That was it for today”, Shou started and Yutaka tuned out while he continued talking next to him. Shou talked a lot on these programs. Occasionally, Yutaka felt like he might as well stay home. A nap would have been a nice alternative.

He only sprung back into life to wave everyone goodbye and wish them a good night. He himself had to suppress a yawn.

“Ah, today was fun, wasn’t it?”, Jun asked as the cameras stopped running. He seemed to have forgotten that someone had slapped a dildo into his face earlier.

“Did you enjoy your birthday, Shou?”, Kenji asked.

“You could have tried a little harder with the presents”, Shou pointed out. “But thank you for participating.” He always scaled down his grumpy act when they were in private as if he was worried it was his duty to motivate them and tell them they did a good job as their band leader. Neither of them had ever viewed Shou as that type of leader, though, and he always seemed a bit helpless when he tried to thank them. Yutaka thought that it was somehow adorable, though.

“Well, I’m going to remove my paint before we leave”, Kenji announced.

“I’m coming with you”, Jun agreed and jumped up.

The staff members were busy carrying the camera equipment out of the room. Yutaka always felt a little uncomfortable watching them do actual work, while he just earned his money sitting around and letting Shou do the talking. He felt useless, but if he offered to help, he’d mostly be in the way, because he never knew where to put the equipment and one time, he had even dropped a pretty expensive mic.

Shou got up and stretched himself. He always seemed bothered by sitting for too long, but it was probably only because of his bad posture.

He looked around the room.

“Did you see where they put the gifts?”, he asked.

“What?”, Yutaka teased. “Are you that eager to look at Kenji’s nudes at home? Just follow him on Instagram like everyone else.”

“No, of course not, I want the dildo”, Shou said. He spoke seriously and not like he was joking at all. It was hard to tell, though, because he was still looking around the room instead of facing Yutaka.

Yutaka’s throat felt oddly tight.

“You do?”, he asked, keeping his voice flat to not give away his emotions.

“Sure”, Shou confirmed. He walked around the tables and started checking the floor as if the staff might just have dropped his gifts.

Yutaka got up awkwardly as well, leaning against the table as he watched Shou. He didn’t really know what to do with his body, but it felt wrong to just remain seated.

“I wasn’t lying, it’s the best present. I mean, I always wanted to get a proper dildo, but then couldn’t bring myself to actually spend the money. I’ve been using a plug for years.” Shou was just rambling on while walking the room that was now empty aside from them. He didn’t look at Yutaka. “Not one of those small, glittery ones, mind you. You know, the mean-looking, black ones, that are more spikey.”

He turned around and indicated a quite impressive size considering he was only talking about a plug.

“You know?”, he repeated and looked at Yutaka so expectantly, as if he really assumed he knew exactly what kind of sex toy Shou was talking about. He’d probably seen it in AVs before and assumed the rest of the world watched as much porn as him.

Yutaka shrugged, hoping to look more knowledgeable than he was.

He tried not to imagine Shou using anything dildo-like on himself. How flushed he would be and how aroused and how naked.

“Glad my present turned out to be …” He cleared his throat. “… pleasing.”

Shou turned around again, continuing his pacing through the room.

“I just wish you hadn’t picked one that’s the size of Godzilla’s cock”, he complained.

“Oh no, it’s not. Godzilla’s cock was too expensive”, Yutaka said dryly.

Shou laughed.

“Seriously, I wonder if Kenji is right though. I might not be practiced enough to make it fit.”

Yutaka licked his lips. Shou’s casualness made him insecure. He did not want to think about how practiced Shou was in this regard or what that practice looked like in detail.

“Sorry, I didn’t think you were actually into gay sex toys”, he huffed out to defend himself.

Shou turned around again and frowned.

“What are you talking about?”, he asked, sounding annoyed. “It’s a toy. It doesn’t have a gender. It says nothing about your sexual orientation. It’s gay when you are with another man. But when I’m doing it by myself, there is no other man involved. There is nothing gay about enjoying some additional stimulation. It’s physically pleasing regardless of whom you are attracted to.”

As much sense as Shou’s words made, they still confused Yutaka. He felt a disappointment, that surprised himself. He hadn’t gotten the gift with a certain intention after all. It had been meant as a joke, something that would make the fans laugh.

“If you say so”, he mumbled, making it sound sarcastic. He felt like he wanted to avenge some sort of hurt that he couldn’t quite name. Shou’s statement hadn’t invalidated him in any way after all. “I just wasn’t expecting it from you.”

“Oh, trust me, if you can do it by yourself, I’ve tried”, Shou said.

Yutaka tried to laugh, but his throat felt too tight for it to come out naturally. It sounded as if he was coughing.

“Whatever”, he said, scared that Shou would offer any more details that he wouldn’t know how to deal with.

“I didn’t take you to be this prudish”, Shou bit out sharply, seemingly aware that Yutaka was trying to change the topic.

He had crossed the room completely now and had stopped short in front of the tables again.

His words were clearly meant as an accusation. Yutaka felt like they were fighting, but he didn’t know about what. He felt angry at Shou, although he couldn’t explain what kind of reaction he had been hoping for. And Shou seemed angry at him, although Yutaka felt like he had stayed pretty neutral.

“Well, not all of us need to stick to toys to enjoy themselves”, he said, although he knew it was Shou’s weak spot. He was sensitive about not feeling attractive enough to be desirable to others. It was the kind of comment, that was aiming to hurt Shou, even though Yutaka still couldn’t explain his reasons for that.

“So, you prefer real cock?”, Shou shot back immediately.

The question came so unexpectedly that it left Yutaka speechless.

It wasn’t what he had meant to say, but he didn’t know if he was supposed to deny it either. Shou had sounded angry, but also a little insecure. Yutaka couldn’t tell what answer he was hoping for. The mood shift had come too suddenly.

“I …”, he stuttered. “I mean … I did before, yes. Sex with men, I mean. By no means often, though. I …”

He broke off, because he didn’t know what else to say. He had wanted to tell Shou for a long time already, but he had never known how to bring it up. He hadn’t been sure about his reaction. Whenever it was not outright introduced as a joke, the topic of homosexuality always seemed to make Shou somewhat uncomfortable.

Shou nodded.

“I thought so”, he said quietly. He no longer sounded angry at all. “I’ve always wondered.”

“I was wondering how you would react to the dildo”, Yutaka confessed. “I was curious.”

Shou walked towards Yutaka and sat down on the table next to him. His feet were dangling just a few centimetres above the floor. Again, he was sitting hunched over.

“How does it feel?”, he asked. “Sex with another man?”

Yutaka shrugged. Both of them were looking into the same direction instead of facing each other.

“Good.” He paused. “I mean, it’s much the same as sex with women. It depends on the partner and the situation. But generally speaking, it’s good.”

“I always felt silly”, Shou confessed. Yutaka didn’t know when their conversation had turned this quiet and serious. Shou right next to him seemed fragile all of a sudden and Yutaka wanted to hug him, and was scared he’d fall apart under his touch all the same. He remained sitting still.

“I’m attracted to men like I’m attracted to women, but I never had sex with a guy. I just don’t know how to get there. It’s like I’m still the same sad virgin I was in my early twenties. Like, a half-virgin. I turned 37 today and still haven’t unlocked half of my sexuality.”

Yutaka snorted with laughter, although he knew that Shou was serious.

“I thought I’d feel less stupid if I used a proper dildo at least. Like, less as if it’s all just in my head.”

Yutaka snorted again and shook his head.

“You define your sexuality yourself. It’s nothing you have to unlock”, he pointed out. “And what happened to toys being inherently genderless?”

“It’s a silicone cock, Yutaka”, Shou said. “That’s gay.”

Yutaka burst out laughing. Suddenly, he felt very affectionate towards Shou.

“I should probably ask the staff where they put it”, Shou added and sighed.

“Really?”, Yutaka mocked. “You’re just going to ask where they put the sex toy you were meaning to stuff up your ass?”

Shou groaned and made a face, that caused his nose to wrinkle. He still wore his makeup, which usually made him more conventionally attractive, but once he made faces, he looked more like himself again. In Yutaka’s opinion, that made him a lot cuter too.

“You are right, I should just write it off as lost. Too bad, tonight promised to be fun.”

Yutaka’s neck felt hot at the thought of Shou actually planning to use the dildo tonight.

He pushed himself off the table, so he could face Shou, who kept his eyes lowered.

“You know you don’t need to have sex with another man to validate that part of your sexuality or your identity, right?”, Yutaka assured.

Shou nodded reluctantly.

“Yes, intellectually, I know that.”

“And you wouldn’t do anything stupid you’d regret just to prove something to yourself, right?”, Yutaka carried on.

Shou nodded again.

“I’m not stupid”, he muttered.

“And it still means so much to you?”, Yutaka asked.

Shou finally looked up. He wasn’t wearing contact lenses tonight and his eyes were dark and clear.

“It does”, he confirmed. “I’m curious. But I don’t just want to do it with anyone. Then it wouldn’t be so hard. I want it to be with someone I feel comfortable with. Someone I care about and who’s willing to put up with me when I’m being awkward.”

“Yes”, Yutaka confirmed. “Sounds like a dildo alright.”

Shou reached out to slap him.

“Asshole”, he said with a slight smirk.

“Seriously, though”, Yutaka said. “It’s my present that got lost, so I feel like I have to compensate you.”

Hesitantly he reached out and took hold of Shou’s hand. It felt warm and Yutaka hoped that his palm didn’t feel sweaty. He was nervous.

“Let’s go home and celebrate your birthday properly, what do you say?”

He looked at Shou and for a moment feared that he would pull back and get angry at him. Not for liking guys, at least in that regard they seemed safe now. But for risking their band and their friendship and offering something to Shou he might not even want.

“Here, make yourself comfortable”, Shou offered and threw two pillows onto the futon he had just rolled out on the floor.

There was no other place to sit. Even laying out the futon had proven difficult enough and there wasn’t enough space for even a single chair in the apartment.

Yutaka sat down on the futon, propping up one of the pillows against the wall, so he could rest his back against it. He looked around the apartment. He had visited Shou before, but usually it was just to pick him up. The one-room apartment was too small to welcome several guests at once. Due to the size and probably also due to monetary issues, Shou hardly owned furniture. He kept his place a lot cleaner than you would expect of a 19-year-old single guy, though.

“I’m so excited”, Shou said, fumbling with the laptop while keeping his back on Yutaka. “I’m sure the movie will be amazing. Gackt is so cool! Did you realize his character is also named Shou in the movie? It’s like we have a connection!”

Yutaka watched his hunched back. Shou had the ability to remain standing still while also moving around too much. Sometimes, Yutaka thought he just seemed to be brimming with energy.

“Ph, Gackt”, he muttered, partly because he really didn’t understand why Shou liked him so much, and partly to make a point. “I’m sure Hyde will steal the show.”

Even if he didn’t like Gackt much, he was still oddly happy that he was in the movie. Shou loved Gackt and Yutaka loved Hyde. It was obvious they both wanted to see Moon Child as soon as it came out, so it was only logical they did so together. None of their friends had wanted to watch with them.

While Yutaka was grateful for that, it also made him nervous. They hung out with a group of friends often, but he rarely spent time alone with Shou. The movie offered the perfect excuse to do just that.

Being alone with him at his apartment made Yutaka feel giddy.

It was true, that Shou didn’t look like much at first glance, but Yutaka had realized just how charismatic he was quite early on anyway. Shou was funny and witty, and he had a way of looking at you when you spoke, that really made you feel listened to. He was just the type of guy, whom you didn’t want to let down. In his presence, Yutaka wanted to be interesting to make his attentive listening worth it. He wanted to be funny and make him laugh, because he didn’t want to fall short next to him, and because there was something about his laughter, that made you feel all warm and queasy inside.

Yutaka hadn’t noticed any of the other guys going out of their way that much to appeal to Shou, but he was sure, that it was universal. He was such a unique guy that it was impossible to not want to be liked by him. Even after knowing him for years now, Yutaka still felt nervous around him, because he wanted to be Shou’s friend so badly.

“Yeah, I mean, Hyde is pretty and all that. But Gackt is cool, in a manly way. He is so tall and handsome. He is all that a man should be.”

Yutaka’s face started to feel hot.

“Well, I for one prefer pretty over manly, homo”, he teased, though he was aware it was a problematic statement. It implied he liked Hyde after all, who was also a man – even if he was small. He also didn’t want Shou to feel like he thought it was weird to think of another man as handsome. His face still felt hot. He was uncomfortable, but couldn’t explain why.

“Please”, Shou said lightly and finally turned around, carrying the laptop over to the futon. “It’s not gay, as long as you are topping or if it’s Gackt.”

He uttered it with such confidence, that Yutaka snorted with laughter.

“Are you sure you’d sleep with him?”, he asked, but he was also relieved that Shou acted so casual about the matter. For some reason, Yutaka thought it was nice that he didn’t seem to worry if he sounded ambiguous about his sexuality.

“Absolutely”, Shou confirmed and put the disc into the drive of the laptop. They had pre-ordered the movie together at the rental store.

Yutaka smirked. They both knew that Shou meant it and that it was a lie nonetheless. He probably didn’t mind the thought, but in reality, he’d chicken out for sure. But it was not like Gackt would ever offer himself, so he’d never be proven wrong either. It was an unprovable truth only.

“I mean, Hyde is really good looking …”, Yutaka said, trying not to be a bore. He didn’t want Shou to think of him as prudish. “Hell, he’s definitely prettier than the girls at my school.”

Shou gave a quiet hum, but turned away to search for something.

Yutaka cursed himself for bringing up girls. He knew that it was a matter Shou didn’t enjoy talking about, because it made him insecure, although he got his fair share of confessions as well. He acted like he was ugly, when really, he was reasonably handsome and the bleached hair drew attention to him easily. Moreover, even if he was somewhat bowlegged, his thighs and butt looked great in tight jeans.

He had also forgotten how quiet Shou could get in private. There were people, who were shy in large groups, but livened up once you met them one-on-one. With Shou it was exactly the opposite. When they met with friends, he always had to be the centre of attention. He seemed to thrive on making everyone laugh and entertaining them. But when they were alone, his introverted side showed more clearly. Shou wasn’t going to reply to Yutaka’s comment on the girls, but he would probably overthink it all by himself. Yutaka wished he was more practiced at dealing with this private version of Shou. He wanted to change the topic somehow, but he didn’t know what to say.

Shou turned back and held up a pair of earphones.

“Here”, he announced and plugged them into the laptop. “We’ll need to share them.”

“Why don’t we listen to it out loud?”, Yutaka asked, although he kind of liked the thought of sharing headphones with Shou. There was something intimate about knowing it was only them hearing the same things at the same time when no one else could.

Shou pointed to the wall.

“The neighbours”, he explained. “The walls are so thin, otherwise they’ll hear every word. I don’t want to torture them with an entire movie.”

Yutaka rolled his eyes.

“Your place really is a dump”, he muttered.

“We could have watched it at your place, too”, Shou said dryly. “In case your parents wanted to join us.”

Yutaka felt very hot all over again.

“I’ll move out in a couple of months when I start college”, he defended himself. It was important to him that Shou didn’t think of him as a lame loser. He had only moved out himself recently, but Yutaka still thought he was cool – living all by himself, performing on various stages, being talented. He didn’t want Shou to view him as some kind of stupid high school kid.

Although it wasn’t like Yutaka had a plan for when he finished school. He had this vague idea of moving out and studying, but he hadn’t started looking for apartments, he hadn’t settled for a course of study yet and he couldn’t bring himself to study for his final exams either. He felt like the last year had just passed by without getting him emotionally involved in anything. He hated himself for that somehow, for just drifting through his own life without taking control of it. He hadn’t achieved anything in the last months, he hadn’t paid much attention in class. The only thing he remembered clearly were Shou’s public appearances, of which he hadn’t missed a single one and listening to him talk about music and the new haircut he had gotten about two months ago and that suited him immensely.

With everything going on in Yutaka’s life currently and all the changes he had to worry about, his mind seemed unable to focus on anything but his friend. It was like he was so busy with running his private fanclub, that he didn’t have time for anything else. If his parents knew, they’d ground him until he was 30. They were nagging him enough as it was. They also didn’t like Shou.

Shou grabbed the second pillow and made himself comfortable next to Yutaka.

He kept the laptop on his lap but turned it towards Yutaka, so both of them got a good look at the screen. They had to sit awfully close this way. Shou’s leg was touching Yutaka’s leg all the way down.

Shou grabbed the earphones and held the right one out to Yutaka.

“Thanks”, Yutaka said quietly and took it. Their fingertips brushed against each other, although Yutaka was trying to avoid the touch.

He put the earphone into his ear and stared onto the screen. Shou was sitting too close to look at him properly and he didn’t know what else to focus on.

“Ready?”, Shou asked, his fingertip lingering over the play button.

“Yeah”, Yutaka said. He sounded a little hoarse, as if he hadn’t spoken in quite a while already.

Shou pressed play and settled down next to him. Both of them were wearing short-sleeved shirts and their bare lower arms were touching ever so lightly.

Yutaka concentrated on the screen, where the opening credits started playing. He felt excited and he tried to focus on the joy of getting to watch a movie starring Hyde now.

The video quality was surprisingly good.

“Why do you own such a high-end laptop anyway? Your apartment looks like you are dirt poor”, he asked, instinctively lowering his voice, although nothing exciting was happening yet.

“Porn”, Shou said.

Yutaka laughed.

“Pervert”, he said. He knew Shou’s former living conditions though and not having to share a room for the first time in his life must have opened up plenty of opportunities for him. If Yutaka was honest, he was probably going to masturbate all the time as soon as he moved out as well.

He focused back on the screen.

Hyde was looking great, although Yutaka preferred his formerly long hair over the short blonde hairstyle he cultivated currently. Still, his features were even in a way that still baffled him and his proportions seemed to match so well. Where Yutaka’s fingers just looked short, Hyde’s looked delicate.

Shou’s fingers were long, slender and strong.

“They are both so handsome”, Yutaka said, only because he still felt like he had to compensate for something. He felt like he had made a mistake earlier without quite being able to name it.

Shou didn’t reply, which Yutaka took as a sign that he didn’t want to talk during the movie.

He was probably right to pay attention, because the plot seemed somewhat confusing. It didn’t seem exactly good, either. Hyde and Gackt were looking cool on screen. They weren’t professional actors, though. Yutaka wondered, if thinking that made him a bad fan. It was fun to see their interaction, though.

Next to him Shou shifted his weight.

He adjusted the laptop on his knees, but didn’t move away from Yutaka. Their lower arms were still touching. A very warm feeling was creeping through Yutaka’s body from the point where their skin was touching. His chest felt warm with happiness.

What made the touch feel so good was that Shou wasn’t exactly the type for physical contact. Of course, he horsed around with the rest of them and even clapped people on the back and the shoulders a lot. But Yutaka had noticed, that the touch usually had to take place on Shou’s terms. He only touched his friends when he was able to pull back again. Leaning into someone was something Yutaka hadn’t even observed him doing with the girls he had been into. The fact that he was able to let his body rest against Yutaka so casually proved that Shou had to feel very much at ease around him. The thought made Yutaka feel giddy and proud and even made his stomach clench a bit, just because it meant he was special.

The sensation of Shou’s arm had distracted him from the dialogue on screen for a moment and he felt like they had already lost him. Somehow, the whole plot was confusing. The only thing he knew for certain was that Hyde and Gackt were acting weird around each other. There were too many gazes and too much touching. Not that male friends couldn’t touch each other without it being weird, but something was off in this case. If one of them had been a woman, Yutaka would have assumed they were in love. But the fact that they were both men made it more confusing. Technically, he knew that men could be in love with other men, but it just wasn’t part of his personal lifeworld, so he wasn’t sure if he was reading the signs correctly.

He wondered, if Shou was noting anything weird about the direction the movie was taking, too. If so, Yutaka should probably address it. It would be weird, if they just sat here together, alone at Shou’s apartment with no one else around, watching a gay movie. God knew how explicit the movie might get. He didn’t want to sit here in silence with Shou, watching two men kiss. If he pointed it out, though, they could laugh at it and it would no longer be an issue.

On the other hand, if Yutaka did point to it and he was just imaging the tension, it would make him look really weird. It would make him look like he wanted Hyde and Gackt to be gay, like he was fantasizing about them.

He tried to picture what it would be like, if they actually started to make out on screen. The thought made him grow hot all over. It wasn’t an appalling image. Did that mean there was something wrong with him? They had joked about it earlier. But that had been an unprovable truth. If Shou thought Yutaka was wishing for the movie to include some explicitly gay scenes, that would be a true truth. It was something entirely different.

Yutaka figured, that the safest thing was to pretend he didn’t notice anything. He didn’t even know why it bothered him so much. Just something about the idea, that those two men they admired so much could be openly gay for each other in a movie, made his heart beat very quickly. He felt like he was running. Why was he being so weird about this?

The scene changed. Yutaka wasn’t really able to follow the plot. He just knew that the next scene was somehow suggestive as well.

“God”, Shou groaned next to him. “Just kiss him already, dude.”

For a moment, Yutaka felt completely irritated, then he burst out laughing. It was a high, nervous laughter that resulted mostly from relief.

“Right?”, he agreed hastily. He was glad Shou had put it out there. He was glad it wasn’t just him. “The sexual tension in this is ridiculous.”

“Just do us all a favour and get it on already! It’s painful to watch!”, Shou accused the laptop passionately.

Yutaka continued chuckling. Once again, he had to admire Shou for how easily he addressed the subject. He didn’t seem uncomfortable at all to admit he would prefer getting a proper love scene, just like he hadn’t been shy to admit that his attraction towards Gackt at least didn’t outright exclude a sexual perspective. It was refreshing.

“Yeah, they should be doing it properly or not at all”, Yutaka agreed. “They’re both handsome after all. No one could blame them.”

“Exactly”, Shou said. “With their looks, it’s no wonder they want to fuck each other.”

Yutaka’s mouth felt dry. He licked his lips as if that would actually help.

He was irritated that Shou had put it that plainly. He agreed with him, obviously. He couldn’t blame any man for being attracted to Hyde. He hadn’t exactly pictured them having sex, though. At least when it came to the kind of stuff people did in porn, Shou was a lot more urbane than him. Once again, he felt like a silly child, although he knew that he was in fact more experienced than Shou. The few times he had had sex with his ex-girlfriend didn’t really make him feel like an expert, though. Since their breakup about a year ago, he hadn’t even dated anyone at all. He told himself that he just hadn’t met any girl that sparked his interest meanwhile and not that he had lost his mojo.

“Right”, he said.

For a while, they just watched in silence. Yutaka tried to picture Hyde and Gackt having sex. Somehow, he couldn’t.

“How …?” He broke off, because he had to gather all of his courage for the question. He didn’t want Shou to think of him as stupid and immature, but he was too curious to keep to himself. “How do you think they would do it? The fucking, I mean.”

He wasn’t just genuinely wondering about the technical aspect. What he was really curious about was rather if Shou had actually thought about it that much. He wanted to know if he had an answer to the question more than he wanted to hear the answer. He also wondered, what Shou’s real opinion was on the gay sex matter. The true truth, not one that was unprovable.

“I’m pretty sure Gackt would go on top”, Shou said matter-of-factly.

Yutaka burst out laughing, but rather with surprise, because Shou had obviously thought it through so much already, that he had missed the basicness of the question. Yutaka felt embarrassed to clarify, but somehow Shou’s self-assured answer also put him at ease.

“No, I mean. Doesn’t it hurt? I just can’t imagine it to be very pleasant to have something shoved up your ass like that.”

They were both still looking at the screen without bothering to pause the movie. At least right now, Yutaka was pretty glad he didn’t have to meet Shou’s eyes.

“Well, they always seem to enjoy anal in AVs”, Shou said. He paused. “I mean, the women. The women seem to enjoy it. I don’t watch gay porn.”

For the first time today, he sounded insecure, almost stuttering as if he finally worried about Yutaka getting the wrong idea. Eventually, he cleared his throat.

“Plus, gay men also have sex. I assume they wouldn’t, if it didn’t feel good.” He said that a lot more confidently, as if he was glad to have found a reasonable answer to Yutaka’s question that should have been obvious all along. Yutaka felt silly for not taking that into consideration right away. He just hadn’t thought about it before. Sex was something you did with girls. There was just no reason to think about sex with guys.

“And I guess if it’s just the kissing and stuff, it doesn’t really make a difference anyway”, Yutaka added. He wanted to prove that he could also be openminded.

Shou stayed silent instead of answering right away.

“You want to try?”, he finally asked.

“Kissing?”, Yutaka assured. His voice came out high and thin. He sounded ridiculous.

“Yeah”, Shou said, like it wasn’t a big deal at all.

“Sure”, Yutaka said. He tried to match Shou’s indifferent tone of voice, but he didn’t feel calm at all. He wasn’t even sure why he agreed to it, except he didn’t want Shou to think of him as a prudish bore. Sure, Yutaka could kiss guys. When it came to Shou, he always tried to act tougher than he really was.

Shou paused the movie. Somehow, that made it feel very official.

Slowly Yutaka turned his head. Shou was already facing him.

Yutaka realized that he didn’t mind the thought of kissing Shou at all. He was cool and handsome and looking at his plum lips made Yutaka’s stomach take somersaults.

“Have you ever kissed a guy before?”, Shou asked.

Although he was facing Yutaka, he kept his eyes cast down.

Briefly Yutaka considered lying to make himself look more experienced. He wondered, if Shou had ever kissed one of their common friends before.

“No”, he said softly.

“Me neither”, Shou admitted.

Yutaka felt all warm and somehow fluffy inside. Like someone was bloating pink cotton candy on his inside.

So, this was something only he was allowed to do. It would bring him closer to Shou than all of their other friends. For some reason, Yutaka wanted to be his number one.

“Cool”, Yutaka said, although it didn’t really make sense in this context.

He turned some more, but the position remained awkward. Shou shifted too, but he didn’t take the laptop down from his legs either. Yutaka had never understood how you were supposed to kiss properly when sitting next to each other. No matter how much he turned, his shoulder still seemed to get in the way. He also didn’t know where to put his arm. He considered putting his hand on Shou’s neck or his shoulder, but than a touch like that would have felt too invasive. He didn’t want to seem too into the kiss. They were just trying for fun after all, like boys did.

He leaned in further, hesitantly bringing his face closer to Shou. He kept his head tilted and closed his eyes. A nasty voice at the back of his head asked what would happen, if he missed Shou’s lips, because he wasn’t able to navigate properly in this position and how embarrassing that would be. He had never worried about this with girls before, although he had kissed them in similarly awkward positions.

His mouth was so close to Shou, that he could sense his breath. Yutaka could feel his own heartbeat in his temples.

He paused for a moment, but realized Shou wouldn’t close the distance between them. He had suggested it, but he didn’t have the courage to take the first step. He was probably overthinking right now.

Yutaka leaned in and kissed him on the lips gently. Shou’s lips were soft and dry, resting against his own briefly.

Then Yutaka pulled back, but only for a few centimetres. So, he had kissed Shou. And it had felt nice. Very nice indeed, but he wasn’t sure if they were done yet. They had agreed on kissing, but he didn’t know what that entailed. Their kiss just now had felt almost chaste. Maybe Shou had expected more, but Yutaka also didn’t want to force it on him. He had taken the first step, now he was waiting for Shou’s decision.

A few seconds passed and Yutaka thought that time had never felt this slow to him before.

Then Shou leaned in and kissed Yutaka back. His lips were still gentle but a little more urging than Yutaka had dared to be. Under the pressure, Yutaka hesitantly parted his lips just a bit to test out where they were going. He sensed Shou’s tongue sliding in between his lips and lifted his own to meet him. It wasn’t heated but entirely hesitant. The tips of their tongues brushed against each other somewhere between Yutaka’s parted lips.

A shudder went through Yutaka’s body violently the moment he sensed Shou’s wet tongue against his own. It felt surprisingly rough and so alive and so completely different from any other sensation than kissing that it was hard to compare it to anything in the first place.

The sheer intensity took Yutaka by surprise, though. He didn’t have any specific thoughts, but a hot sensation shot through his spine as if his body was reacting completely on its own. Blood rushed downwards and then Yutaka realized that he had a sudden, unwarranted boner just from feeling Shou’s tongue against his own.

Shou pulled back, for good this time. Their tongues hadn’t been entangled. They had merely brushed each other.

Yutaka shifted his weight, desperately hoping he would be able to hide his pants tenting this way.

He wondered, if Shou had also gotten aroused by their kiss. A part of him hoped so, because it would make him less weird and it would also be less embarrassing in case Shou happened to notice. But at the same time, he also hoped that it was just him, because if both of them were turned on by it, it would put a weird pressure on them to continue.

Maybe Yutaka really hadn’t kissed a girl in far too long already.

He looked at Shou, who was still avoiding to meet his eyes directly. Red dots were showing on his cheeks, the fair hair was falling onto his forehead and he was smiling shyly. Yutaka thought that Shou’s shy smile was nothing but gorgeous. It gave him a very strange dimple and his lips looked puffy and he wasn’t hiding his teeth nor displaying them; they were just part of his beautiful, embarrassed smile.

Maybe Yutaka just liked kissing him, though.

“Not so bad”, Shou observed. He kept his eyes cast down.

Yutaka kept staring at him.

“Stop looking at me like that”, Shou said.

“Like what?”, Yutaka asked.

“Like you’ve never seen me before”, Shou mumbled and turned his head away.

“It’s just …” Yutaka broke off. He didn’t know how to explain that he had indeed never seen Shou before, at least not as someone you could kiss. “You’re cute.”

“No need to sound so surprised”, Shou huffed. He turned away completely, facing the laptop again. The gesture clearly signalled that they were done here.

“Well, it really wasn’t bad”, Yutaka said and turned as well. He let his arms slide down to his lap to make sure he covered the bulge at his crotch. “That means it really doesn’t make a difference. Or you just kiss like a girl.”

He had meant to joke it off that way, but as soon as the words were out, they just sounded weird to him. Even Yutaka couldn’t tell how he had meant them.

Shou scoffed and adjusted the laptop on his knees before pressing play again. The movie continued as if nothing had happened.

Yutaka’s mind was spinning.

It felt like his whole world had just changed and Shou just brushed it off. You could kiss guys like you could kiss girls. And if Yutaka had wanted to kiss any of his male friends, it would have been Shou all along. Because he was so funny and talented and kind and sweet and smart and his lips were so soft. But if it felt this good and if both of them had liked it, why did they stop?

Yutaka stared at the screen and couldn’t help resenting the movie a little. He wanted to kiss Shou again.

The dialogue still felt like a lame excuse to film suggestive scenes between Hyde and Gackt only. If anything, it suddenly seemed worse.

Yutaka looked at Hyde with new eyes. He was really pretty. He thought of kissing him. This time, he imagined it easily. Kissing him must feel great. Yutaka pictured him with the long dark hair he had cut off by now. He imagined entangling his fingers in it to pull him close while they kissed. Hyde seemed so fragile, holding him in his arms wouldn’t feel that different from holding a girl. Shou was built differently. He was small, too, but stouter. Running his hands down Shou’s chest would certainly feel different, more solid.

Yutaka swallowed and tried to focus on Hyde again.

Hyde was objectively more handsome. It was normal to have somewhat of a guy crush on him. Shou might be the coolest person in his friend group, but obviously he couldn’t compare to a handsome rockstar like Hyde.

Shou moved and his lower arm came to rest against Yutaka’s again. His skin felt so warm. Yutaka’s body felt strange, almost feverish. The touch also felt nice, though.

Maybe if he just shifted his weight a little, their upper arms would touch, too. Yutaka shuffled a little closer to Shou, trying to make it seem like he was only adjusting his position.

Shou sat very still.

Their arms were touching from their shoulders down to their elbows now. That weird cotton candy feeling filled Yutaka’s stomach again.

He tilted his head ever so slightly to bring it closer to Shou.

He could smell his shampoo. It smelled strongly, pungent and of chemistry. It smelled like Shou had started buying the cheapest soap he could find since he had moved out. But underneath that, there was the faintest hint of something else, something like warm skin and a note that was just Shou.

Yutaka’s dick grew a little harder.

Now, this was ridiculous. Getting aroused by a kiss was one thing. But his dick really had no business reacting to Shou’s body odour like this.

“What are you doing?”

Yutaka startled. That was probably his own fault for sniffing his friend like this.

“You, uh, smell nice”, he said dumbfoundedly and backed off while being careful not to break their touch.

“Okay”, Shou said slowly.

It could have sounded sarcastic, but the fact that he kept looking at the laptop so deliberately made him seem tense instead.

Yutaka licked his lips and tried to focus on the movie again. Maybe Shou would want to discuss the story afterwards. It would be pretty embarrassing if it turned out he hadn’t followed the plot at all. From what he gathered, there was some kind of gang war going on, Hyde was a vampire and there was a lot of badly concealed sexual attraction going on. It was all very confusing. The current scene took place in someone’s bedroom. Gackt was upset for some reason Yutaka had missed entirely.

Shou moved his hand. The back of it fell against the back of Yutaka’s hand.

Yutaka’s pulse was rushing through his ears so loudly, it was drowning out Gackt’s voice.

During a regular movie date with a girl, this would have been a clear sign. And Shou wasn’t one, who just allowed body contact to happen. With him, it was usually choreographed.

His mouth felt incredible dry as Yutaka hesitantly started to move his fingers to rub them against the back of Shou’s hand.

He had to use his entire concentration on it. It was supposed to feel casual, so that he could play it off as an accidental touch, if Shou pulled back. Yet it was meant to be sensual enough to be understood as an invitation, if Shou wanted it to be.

Yutaka’s heart was beating violently as he kept hoping that Shou wouldn’t pull back.

Very hesitantly Shou’s fingers started to move against his own. It was an incredibly light, playful caress. Yutaka no longer paid attention to the movie at all. He didn’t pay attention to the room around them nor to the rest of his body. It was like his entire being was concentrated only in his hand and where Shou’s fingers stroked his own was the only point where he could feel at all.

He was breathing so heavily, that he was scared Shou could hear it. Hell, he was scared Shou’s neighbour could hear it.

He slipped his fingers in between Shou’s, which was weird, because their hands were still back-to-back. Shou allowed it to happen without looking away from the screen.

Yutaka knew that he could no longer take it. There was no way he would sit through another hour of this movie, when all he could think of was kissing Shou again.

He swallowed soundly. Shou could definitely hear that.

He realized that he had never had to make a move at someone before while being this insecure about their reaction. Yutaka had been with quite a number of girls already, at least when it came to kissing. But their meetings in private only ever took place after the confession.

Yutaka didn’t know, if Shou wanted to be kissed. He didn’t seem to mind awkwardly holding hands during a movie, but that didn’t mean he was up for making out with Yutaka. Maybe he would be taken aback. Maybe holding hands was only his truth as long as he didn’t have to prove it any further. It might all just be a joke to him, a hesitant kiss alright, but that would change, as soon as Yutaka came on too strongly.

Yutaka had no way of foretelling his reaction. But he also knew that he didn’t have the patience to just wait it out.

With an almost violent motion he leaned in and kissed Shou on the cheek, because it was the only part of his face which he could access easily without risking to throw over the laptop. He had gone in too violently and he almost clashed into Shou, but he made sure he couldn’t miss his intention.

“Yutaka, don’t”, Shou protested and flinched back immediately, pulling away his hand as well.

Yutaka went cold.

“Sorry”, he stuttered. So, he had misread the signals. And Shou would think he was weird. Shou would think Yutaka was a weird homo. He would tell all their friends, but even worse, he would feel uncomfortable in Yutaka’s presence from now on, and they would never meet in private again and Shou would keep his distance when they met in a group and Yutaka would lose him. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make it weird. I …”

Shou stopped the movie. It paused at an irritating still where Hyde seemed to cradle Gackt’s head.

“It’s not that”, Shou said and raised his hand. He seemed insecure whenever to wave it off or if he wanted to cup his cheek where Yutaka had kissed him. “I just can’t. I’m …” He broke off. “I’m so inexperienced.” He was nearly whispering. “I don’t want to embarrass myself.”

Yutaka furrowed his brow.

He didn’t know what Shou thought he wanted to do to him. He knew for certain that Shou had kissed girls before. He assumed that most of the touching so far had taken place fully dressed for him admittedly, but it wasn’t like Shou had never dated anyone before.

“You won’t”, Yutaka said soothingly, but he felt insecure, because he didn’t have anything else to say. He couldn’t give Shou any good reason why he wouldn’t. He didn’t even understand his worry in the first place.

But oddly enough, just that seemed to be enough for Shou.

He nodded and then took the laptop off his legs with slow, deliberate motions. He placed it on the floor awkwardly and it felt almost like a ceremony. For some reason Yutaka’s dick took that as a cue to bring itself back to attention. Probably because it knew what was supposed to happen next.

“Maybe you could …?”, Yutaka suggested and gestured towards the futon shyly. He didn’t want to make this feel even more formal than it already did, but sitting was just not a good position for kissing.

Shou chuckled and Yutaka noticed his cheeks colouring again. His blush always showed easily, probably because he was so pale.

“Yeah, I know”, he agreed and let himself sink onto his back, looking up at Yutaka expectedly.

Yutaka’s heart was racing again. Shou was spread out on the futon, all blushing and waiting for him. It looked like a kinky fantasy he had never dared to have. He couldn’t believe he was really allowed to kiss Shou. The Shou, whom he admired so much. Yutaka had felt nervous and eager to even be his friend and now he was allowed to get so much closer to him. Yutaka got excited at the prospect of being allowed to kiss him, but even more did he get excited by the knowledge, that Shou trusted him, that he wanted to kiss Yutaka, that Yutaka got the opportunity to prove he could make him feel good.

Awkwardly Yutaka bent over Shou. Lying on his back didn’t seem like the perfect position any longer. It was almost impossible to get on top of him without touching him everywhere. But Yutaka didn’t know what their agreement included. Was it just kissing? Was it touching, too? Soft caresses above waistline? Heatedly pressing their bodies together from head to toe?

He knelt down sideways, not daring to straddle Shou, and bent down. He had to place his hand next to Shou’s head to support his weight and not tumble down on top of him. He was careful not to touch his shoulder, though. He lingered over Shou, going out of his way to not let their bodies touch anywhere.

Carefully he lowered himself, stopping halfway through the motion.

Was he really just supposed to kiss Shou? He wished they would have talked about it either less or more beforehand. It would be better, if it had happened more naturally, with both of them getting carried away by the heat of the moment. Or alternatively, if they had agreed on what both of them expected from this more explicitly. But the way it was, Yutaka wasn’t sure how to get started at all.

He was about to sit up again to voice his doubts, when Shou reached up and grabbed his neck.

His fingers were strong and bony and felt very warm. He pulled Yutaka down with a firm grip and then his lips were on Shou’s again.

Shou pressed up into the kiss and this time, Yutaka parted his lips right away. Shou slipped his tongue into his mouth and Yutaka realized, that his former hesitation hadn’t been due to his insecurity about the kissing, but only because of his worry regarding Yutaka’s reaction.

He let himself sink into the kiss, suddenly caring a whole lot less if their bodies were touching or not.

Shou’s hand ran up his neck to the back of his head, entangling in his hair. It felt like he was trying to hold on to him for dear life and his grip was secure yet he refrained from pulling Yutaka’s hair. He managed to be oddly possessive and considerate at once, and his lips were demanding and soft.

Yutaka felt dizzy and he wasn’t sure if he was even breathing properly. He figured they were catching their breath in between, but their lips never parted for long enough for him to notice, or maybe he was only ever aware of his own lips as long as they were kissing Shou.

He put his hand on Shou’s shoulder, trailing down the side of his body. Although he wasn’t outright exercising, Shou stayed fit somehow and his body felt as solid and firm as Yutaka had imagined it would. He paused at his waist and even there he could sense the muscles shifting, because Shou kept squirming underneath him as if he didn’t know what to do with all his energy or how to get closer to Yutaka.

Yutaka came up, finally gasping for air.

“I like this”, he said.

“Huh?” Shou looked flushed and his eyes kept trailing off past Yutaka. He was still holding on to the back of his head.

“I like the way you kiss me. And how you cup my head”, Yutaka explained, his voice trailing off, because it suddenly dawned on him, that it was a stupid thing to say. Shou had seemed so insecure earlier that he had thought it would be nice to let him know just how amazing he made Yutaka feel, but it was weird and he should have kept shut.

“Thanks”, Shou whispered and finally looked at him.

Yutaka realized that it was the first time today Shou actually met his eyes and that probably meant he had done something right. His eyes were naturally dark, but right now they seemed practically black. They still managed to look warm somehow and Yutaka thought that he had never felt this seen before. His heart took a small leap.

Then Shou pulled him down again and they were back to kissing.

Without breaking the touch Yutaka let himself sink backwards, pulling Shou with him, who met his motions uncharacteristically fluently. They were both lying on their sides now, their bodies not quite touching except for their mouths and hands.

Shou let go of Yutaka’s hair, running his hand down his back, nearly wrapping his arm around his shoulders.

Yutaka trailed his hand across Shou’s hips. Even with the clothes covering his skin, the outline of his body alone felt new and exciting already.

This time it was Shou who pulled back. He was still so close it was hard to get a good look at his face, though.

Yutaka realized that his lips felt sore and swollen, but he didn’t mind at all. He just wanted to go back to kissing Shou.

“Can I …?”, Shou whispered. He said something else too, but his voice turned so quiet, that Yutaka could not understand him. He was creating so little noise that he was basically just mouthing the words with a soft exhale.

“What?”, Yutaka said. His voice sounded too loud in his own ears in comparison.

Shou chuckled, but it sounded a little helpless.

He pushed himself up, bringing his lips close to Yutaka’s ear. He had to bent over him for that.

“Can I touch your dick?”, Shou whispered very quietly, his warm breath tickling Yutaka’s ear.

Yutaka felt surprised that Shou would be so embarrassed about the question that he could only whisper it. He might be insecure, but it wasn’t the same as being shy, which he usually wasn’t.

Shou pulled back and nodded over to the wall next to them.

“The neighbours”, he whispered.

Yutaka understood and chuckled in return. Of course, the walls of Shou’s apartment were so thin, they had to keep quiet. Somehow, that made it even more exciting. Yutaka felt like giggling, but he wasn’t sure if it was because they had to keep what they were doing secret, or because he felt all bubbly inside and overflowing with happiness in general.

He nodded, although the proposal made him a little nervous. His cock was throbbing by now, but he did not longer feel embarrassed for being fully hard already. If Shou had just slipped his hand down his body, he wouldn’t have minded, but knowing he was going to do it in advance made him nervous, even if he didn’t think Shou would be shocked by the state he was in.

“I want to know what it feels like”, Shou whispered. He was far better at keeping his voice down than Yutaka was. His voice was barely audible, yet Yutaka understood every word. As close as he felt to Shou right now, he was almost inclined to believe in telepathy.

He sensed Shou’s hand travelling down his body, dancing down his chest so lightly, that he was hardly touching him at all.

Yutaka realized he was tensing up, nervous about what would happen next. He wasn’t sure where exactly they were going with this, but he also knew that as long as it was Shou, he wouldn’t be able to deny him anything.

Shou’s hand found his crotch and his touch turned from playful to firm fast. He didn’t need to fumble around as if he had known where he was going all along.

Yutaka gasped when he sensed Shou cupping his hard cock through his pants, realizing too late he was supposed to keep his voice down. Just saying that he felt the touch didn’t do it enough justice.

“It feels good”, he whispered breathlessly.

Shou laughed very quietly. His suppressed giggle was endearing.

“I knew it would feel good for you, idiot”, he scolded under his breath, slowly starting to rub Yutaka through his pants.

His moans came out in a small whimper, because he tried to keep his voice down so desperately.

“I was wondering if I would enjoy touching you like this”, Shou clarified.

It occurred to Yutaka that this was his cue to ask if he did, but he didn’t dare to get the words out. If Shou realized he was taken aback by his dick, that might mean he would stop kissing Yutaka too, and he was by no means prepared for that.

Obviously, he didn’t need to worry about that though, because Shou leaned in again and kissed him with full force, as if he wanted to swallow up the small signs escaping from Yutaka’s lips. But not only that; moreover, did Shou’s hand crawl upwards and Yutaka sensed him nestling with the button of his jeans. Shou seemingly wasn’t done with exploring new territory yet.

It made Yutaka realized, that he was, in fact, curious as well. The thought of Shou’s hard cock got him surprisingly excited. He didn’t dare to just reach down, though. Shou had asked for permission first after all. He didn’t want to make a big deal out of it either.

He shifted his weight, trying to slip his leg in between Shou’s thighs.

Shou seemed to understand what he was getting at, because he lifted his leg, throwing it over Yutaka’s body. Almost instinctively, Yutaka rolled back, his arm still around Shou’s waist, pulling him along.

Suddenly, he was the one on his back, Shou somehow half on top of him. His left leg was draped across Yutaka, and against his thigh, he could sense Shou’s erection pressing into him though their clothes.

His body reacted to the sensation with new, surprising intensity. His brain didn’t even register it as something unexpectedly arousing, when his own dick was already twitching in his pants. He couldn’t recall if his first physical intimacy with a girl had been this intense as well. But then - even if it made him feel like a horrible jerk – he had never thought as highly of any of his ex-girlfriends as he thought of Shou.

He inhaled deeply, trying to savour Shou’s smell underneath that violent stench of cheap soap.

Their kiss had been broken for a second, but Shou found his lips again quickly. His weight was on Yutaka’s chest, which was uncomfortable but he didn’t care enough to adjust their position. He was too greedy to keep kissing Shou and run his hand down his body, so he didn’t want to break their touch for even a second.

His left arm was buried underneath Shou, so he couldn’t use it and it was moreover starting to fall asleep. The right hand, that had rested on Shou’s waist before, was roaming his thigh now. Yutaka had allowed himself to trail the curve of Shou’s fine ass down to where his leg was resting on Yutaka’s lap. He stroked up and down his thigh, which had always been one of his favourite body parts about Shou. It felt so surreal, that he was just allowed to touch it so freely in a tender, sexual way, he had to reassure that it was actually there under his palm and wouldn’t suddenly disappear. The fabric of his jeans felt rough and was warming up under his hand. Yutaka had no idea, if it was Shou’s increasing body heat seeping through the cloth, or if he was awkwardly rubbing it warm.

Shou moaned into his mouth, grinding himself against Yutaka’s thigh. Even just his voice caught between their lips was an arousing sensation somehow.

Shou was finally done with unbuttoning Yutaka’s pants and he shuddered, as he sensed his warm fingers brush against a line of bare skin on his abdomen.

He gave a small protesting sound, that was meant to indicate that maybe they should slow down, but also that he wanted Shou to slow down by no means. Shou shushed him with another kiss.

Yutaka thought that it was weird they were just rushing into this. He would have liked for them to take off their shirts at least first. He would have liked to run his hands all over Shou’s bare chest, to play with his nipples, that seemed to be just a little too close together. He would have liked to kiss down his neck, that was weirdly wide to carry his enormous head, and to softly bite into his funnily folded ears. He knew all those parts of Shou’s anatomy from watching them just a little too closely as he realized only now. But all that he had kissed so far were Shou’s lips and the only bit of skin he had touched was on Shou’s lower arms. It would be better if they slowed down and explored each other’s bodies properly.

Yet all the same, his cock was begging to be touched and he really had no intention to talk Shou out of doing so.

He sensed him fumbling with the waistband of his boxers kind of clumsily and unable to get a good angle to slip his hand underneath. His movements seemed to turn more frantic, possibly with impatience.

Yutaka chuckled into their kiss. His lips curled up and it made kissing feel weird and giddy, but he noted surprised, that it was possible to keep kissing even when you were laughing.

Shou joined in with his laughter, making their teeth click together and the whole kiss turned sloppy and awkward and it wasn’t so much a kiss anymore as just their mouths staying linked together and Yutaka thought that it would be nice to stay like this always, breathing, laughing, talking through the kiss, just so they would never have to part.

Along with his laughter, Shou’s movements slowed down as well and his fingers finally managed to slip in under the waistband.

Yutaka’s chest heaved violently as Shou’s fingers touched his dick. He moaned into Shou’s lips and for a moment, Shou broke the kiss as if he couldn’t resist the urge to hear Yutaka’s voice.

Since he had reached into his pants from above and Yutaka was still fully dressed, it was hard for him to get a proper grip on his erection. He managed to nestle his fingers around the base though and caress him with small strokes, for which he was forced to jerk his arm rather than just flick his wrist in this position. It was clear that he was still searching for a good angle, just testing the feeling of Yutaka’s cock under his hand for now rather than intending to get him off yet.

Yutaka felt guilty for not being able to keep his voice down, but Shou’s touch felt so good, it made him lose control of his vocal cords. His whole body felt strange and feverish like it was possessed by a force that didn’t belong to himself.

Shou kissed his cheek sloppily, but Yutaka wasn’t sure, if he was meaning to caress his face or had just missed his lips, either way he didn’t seem to care. He turned his head further and then Shou’s cheek was against his own and Yutaka could hear his breath in his ear loud and clear. Shou was panting as aroused as if it was him getting touched and Yutaka thought it was the sexiest thing he had ever heard and then he was already flooded with bliss.

He spilled himself right into his pants, before Shou had even figured out how to take him into his hand properly.

For a moment, he felt amazing and white stars seemed to sparkle behind his eyelids. Then he realized what had happened and his eyes felt burning hot. He was scared he was going to cry with embarrassment.

“Oh god, I’m so sorry”, he whispered. “I wasn’t meaning to … ah, shit.”

“Hey”, Shou said gently and pulled his hand back from Yutaka’s pants, sitting up. Instead of sliding off him, he climbed on his lap properly and leaned over to reach for something behind Yutaka.

He pulled up a box of tissues that he kept suspiciously close to where he was usually sleeping.

He grabbed a tissue and started to wipe off his hand as if it was the most natural matter in the world. He didn’t seem exactly bothered by what had just happened.

Yutaka was sure that his face was bright red.

“Sorry”, he repeated sheepishly, although he wasn’t even sure what he was apologizing for. That he had dirtied Shou? That he hadn’t given him a warning? That he had ended it, before they had even gotten started properly?

He decided that it was probably the latter. He was scared that this was it now. Maybe Shou had sated his curiosity and Yutaka had wasted his only chance of ever exploring his body properly by getting too excited.

“No worries”, Shou said and bent down, placing a light kiss on Yutaka’s lips. It was tender this time, and reminded Yutaka of just how sore and swollen his lips felt from all the kissing.

The short peck filled him with relief, though. It meant they weren’t done with kissing entirely yet.

Awkwardly, Shou climbed off Yutaka’s lap, scrambling to his knees besides him. He gestured towards Yutaka’s lower body region.

“You might want to clean yourself up in the bathroom, though, before it stains.”

Irritated Yutaka nodded and sat up a bit too hastily. He still felt silly, cumming too quickly and now needing a reminder like this. Shou really had to think of him as young and inexperienced, although it was Yutaka, who had actually had sex before. He was dizzy anyway. Shou made him feel like a complete beginner, nervous and clumsy and overly excited.

“Yes, sure, you’re right”, he stuttered and got up, entering Shou’s bathroom. It was one of those tiny ones, where you had to fold in the sink to even use the toilet at all.

Yutaka shut the door behind himself, although it felt pointless. In the small apartment, Shou would be able to hear the water running and everything anyway. He just craved a moment of privacy to collect himself.

He checked on his reflection in the mirror briefly. His hair was tousled. He’d been growing it for quite a while now, claiming he wanted to look more like a bandman, although they weren’t even playing in a band currently and he had pretty much given up on practicing the guitar altogether. It was just, that Shou always wore his hair long and liked the kind of artists who did and somehow, Yutaka had wanted to live up to his ideas of a cool guy.

His lips looked swollen. Licking them slowly, they felt puffy and vulnerable under his tongue. He had hoped they would taste like Shou, but honestly, they tasted like nothing at all.

Yutaka averted his eyes. He was too annoyed with himself to keep looking at his reflection.

Instead, he pulled down his pants and started wiping himself clean with some toilet paper. He wished he had taken the softer tissues with him, because of course, Shou only owned the cheapest kind of toilet paper.

He looked down on the remaining stains on the fabric of his boxers. Luckily, a lot of his load had went onto Shou’s hand, but that was only a small comfort.

He decided that it was to no avail and stripped down completely from the waist down. He felt ridiculous standing in Shou’s tiny bathroom like this.

He started cleaning his boxers in the sink, careful not to wet more of the fabric than was necessary, because he would have to put them back on. He considered just going without underwear, but that would feel weird as well. He could ask Shou to lend him something, but his pride wouldn’t allow that.

“Fuck”, he whispered, quite sure that Shou wouldn’t be able to hear his voice over the running water. “Fuck!”

He should have been cooler. He should have seduced Shou. He should have stayed on top and kissed him from head to toe. He should have made sure Shou felt so good, he moaned Yutaka’s name without caring if the neighbours heard. He should have been the one to touch Shou first. He should just have done better.

Instead, he had gotten as excited as a thirteen-year-old feeling up his first girlfriend. He couldn’t imagine how lowly Shou must think of him now.

He turned off the water and stood there waiting, as if the fabric would just dry within a minute.

He knew that he made it worse the longer he waited. He desperately hoped Shou would wait for him. That he was sprawled out on the futon, his lips still kiss-swollen, possibly naked and ready for Yutaka to return, so he could make up for what he had gotten wrong before. This time, he would kiss him all over and make him moan and Shou would forget how embarrassedly unskilled Yutaka had acted before.

But more likely, Shou would have changed his mind in the meantime and ask him to leave as soon as he left the bathroom. The chances for that rose the longer he hid in here, giving Shou the opportunity to come to his senses.

It still felt like a mistake that he had kissed Yutaka in the first place. Shou must have fallen for his tough act and thought that Yutaka was someone he was not. He couldn’t imagine someone as interesting and charming as Shou would even think of kissing him otherwise, even if it was just for fun. And now Yutaka had been exposed. Shou would not want to kiss him ever again.

He wondered why it even mattered so much, since he had never thought of kissing Shou before today either. But he had always wanted to be liked by him and he felt like a huge disappointment now.

Since he couldn’t hide forever, he started getting dressed again, though. The underwear stuck to his skin somewhat damp, but it wasn’t nearly as bad as he had expected.

Once more he checked himself in the mirror, straightening out his hair to make sure he looked decent.

Then he opened the door and stepped back into the room. He didn’t know what to expect and braced himself for the worst.

Shou had been lying on the futon, but shot into a sitting position once Yutaka entered. He was nestling with his pants. It took Yutaka a moment to realize he was buttoning up.

His eyes fell on the second tissue crumpled on the floor.

“Did you …?”, he started, the sheer disbelief making him sound ruder than he had intended. “Did you just finish by yourself?”

Shou peeked up at him through his bangs.

“Yeah”, he owned up. “I wasn’t sure if you would still … Is that weird? Was that a weird thing to do?”

He was speaking so quietly and sounded so insecure that it threw Yutaka off for a second.

“Kind of, yes”, he said. “I didn’t think you would just continue without me.”

He tried to speak less harsh this time, but he still felt irritated. It would have been normal for Shou to wait for Yutaka one way or another. If he hadn’t enjoyed their making out, he could have sent him away. But the fact, that he had just jerked off indicated that he had indeed enjoyed himself. So, why hadn’t he just waited for Yutaka to return?

“I’m sorry”, Shou stuttered. “I’m really bad it this. I just didn’t know if you would still be in the mood after finishing yourself. Or if you would even want to touch me in the first place. And if you wanted to, I was sure to get so excited, I wouldn’t … I thought I’d embarrass myself either way, so it would be better to just get it out of the way, before you returned. I didn’t mean to be weird. I’m sorry.”

Shou was talking so fast, his words tumbled into each other until they were barely understandable.

It was strange to see him like this, after he had seemed so secure all day. He had suggested their kissing casually, he had touched Yutaka like he knew what he wanted. He had been the active one and Yutaka had just thought him to be surer than he seemingly was.

He crouched down next to Shou, putting his hand on his shoulder hesitantly.

“It’s okay”, he said soothingly. “You saw how excited I got when you touched me, so let’s just ignore what actually happened and pretend we both acted like professional AV actors instead.”

He expected Shou to laugh at the comment, but instead he sniffled quietly.

“So, you’re not mad at me?”, he made sure.

Yutaka sensed a tightening in his chest. He couldn’t believe Shou would actually be scared of that.

“Of course I’m not mad”, he said softly. “It’s only your loss. If you had waited up for me, I would have taken you in my mouth.”

This time, Shou chuckled.

“Dang it”, he whispered.

They both knew that it was an unprovable truth only, something that was easily said after it was already too late. Yutaka doubted he would have found the courage to go down on Shou when even their kisses still felt so new. He did realize that he was not taken aback by the thought of sucking Shou’s cock, though. In fact, it was rather thrilling.

“Can I …?”, Yutaka asked insecurely and extended his arms.

Shou hesitated, but then he nodded.

Yutaka sat down on the futon and pulled Shou in for a hug. Just like before, the position felt somewhat awkward and like they didn’t really know where to place their limbs. But sensing Shou’s warm body against himself was enough to make Yutaka comfortable.

His eyes fell on the laptop that was still standing where Shou had placed it earlier. The screen showed the still of Hyde holding on to Gackt’s head, at which they had paused the movie.

Yutaka thought how unambiguous that pose would feel, if one of them was a woman. They would easily be identified as lovers by the audience. But since they were both men, it left you with a hint of doubt and some strange unaddressed sexual tension.

And Yutaka wondered, how he would feel, if Shou was a woman. How he would explain the warm feeling he got just from holding him in his arms. All the complicated emotions exploding in his body when Shou had wanted to kiss him. How giddy and nervous and happy he felt in his presence. How he always wanted to be around him and wanted to impress him, and how he thought he was the coolest, funniest, smartest, handsomest and most interesting person he had ever met.

If Shou had been a woman, Yutaka wouldn’t have doubted for a second, that he was in love with him, deeper and more irrevocable than he had ever been in love with anyone else before. But it hadn’t occurred to him before, although it seemed like the most obvious thing in the world.

“Shou?”, he asked quietly. “I think I like you. Like, for real.” He sounded as surprised as he felt about that revelation.

Shou laughed, his body trembling against Yutaka. His head was resting on Yutaka’s shoulder.

“Yeah, I also think you like me”, he agreed.

“Oi!”, Yutaka protested and pinched his arm. He wasn’t sure what answer he had expected. He hadn’t said it out loud so Shou would say it back. He didn’t know if Shou liked him in the same way, or if he had indeed just been curious and horny today. But his answer seemed rude regardless.

“No, I mean, you agreed to kissing me right away”, Shou explained. “Although you’re so clearly out of my league. That means you have to like me.”

“I’m not out of your league!”, Yutaka said immediately. It was weird, that Shou would think that, when it was so very clearly the other way around.

Shou laughed again.

“See, only someone who really likes me would think that.”

“Stupid”, Yutaka scolded and ran his hand through Shou’s hair to ruffle it as punishment.

“Seriously, though. I kind of thought you might, because you’re just always … there.”

Yutaka wasn’t sure what Shou was referring to. That he never missed one of his shows? That he always agreed to hang out with friends, if only he knew Shou would be there? That he had agreed to be in his band right away, even if he didn’t have a musical bone in his body? And that he had not complained when Shou broke up the band to become a comedian instead, but supported him, because he just genuinely wanted Shou to succeed at whatever he chose to attempt?

“Otherwise, I would never have dared to suggest it”, Shou added.

“It seemed quite spontaneous when you suggested the kissing”, Yutaka pointed out.

Shou snorted.

“It wasn’t.”

Yutaka didn’t quite know what to do with that information.

“So, you like me, too?”, he asked.

Shou shrugged and freed himself from Yutaka’s embrace. It seemed as if he wanted to get a better look at him, but he kept staring down into his lap nonetheless.

“I honestly don’t know”, he confessed quietly. “I’m sorry. I’m just bad at this. I only know that I go crazy around you. It’s like I can’t think of anything but touching you when we’re in the same room. I don’t feel that way about anyone else. So, maybe I like you. But maybe we just have the same pheromone wavelength or something and it’s chemistry driving me this crazy. How am I supposed to know, if I like you or if I’m just attracted to you?”

Yutaka smirked and shook his head. He was always baffled at what was going on inside this big head. He knew Shou could be moody and difficult and caught up in his own thoughts, but his mind always remained fascinating. Yutaka didn’t mind, that sometimes, he got tangled up in it.

“That’s fine, too”, he said. “You don’t have to be sure right away. We can just focus on the physical part and see where it goes, if that is what you want.”

Yutaka thought that he would be fine with that. Knowing that Shou liked him at all was great already. Seeing him this insecure put him at ease. At least, he could stop trying to look cool in front of him so hard. Shou obviously didn’t have it together either.

Deliberately Shou shook his head.

“I don’t just want us to make out whenever we meet alone. I mean, I do want that. But I also don’t want you do to it with anyone else. And I want you to keep supporting me and always be at my shows, but not so I can impress you, but so I know there is one person in the crowd who I feel safe with. And when we meet with friends, I want you to always chose to sit next to me. Not so we can steal hidden touches, but because it’s the natural thing to do. I want us to text each other before going to sleep without thinking about it. I don’t know.”

“That sounds a whole lot as if you like me”, Yutaka teased lightly. He couldn’t deny that he felt all warm and cotton candy like inside again.

“I’m just really worried that I’ll ruin it”, Shou owned up. “That I’ll embarrass myself, because I’m just not good at this dating stuff. I’ve never really known how to do it, how to make someone feel appreciated. I can never figure out how to deal with other people. Like just now when I touched myself instead of waiting for you. That was weird. You think I’m cool and talented and all that, that’s why you want to be with me. But once we get closer, you’ll realize that I’m not and that liking me was just a mistake. It scares me.”

“You know what?”, Yutaka asked and reached out to nudge Shou’s chin lightly. He was even more impressed Shou had found the courage to come on to him at all, and moreover this nonchalantly, when he was worrying about all that stuff.

“I don’t think either of us is especially cool. Maybe we should stop trying to pretend.” Yutaka paused. “So, do you want to be my boyfriend, weirdo?”

It felt weird to ask, like they were back in middle school, but then Yutaka hadn’t even considered Shou could be his boyfriend before, so it felt appropriate to put the word out there, just to make sure.

Shou sniffled again and then nodded eagerly.

“You have to promise to meet my eyes at least sometimes, though”, Yutaka joked, because Shou kept staring down into his lap. He really wasn’t good at making eye contact.

“Okay”, Shou mumbled and Yutaka leaned in to place a quick kiss on his lips.

Doing that so casually still felt unfamiliar, but also pretty amazing. He still couldn’t quite believe this extra-ordinary, complicated, gorgeous little creature really wanted to be with him.

He pulled back and Shou smiled that cute, shy smile of his again, with the dimple and the teeth and the slight blush on his cheeks. He met Yutaka’s eyes hesitantly, but looked away again quickly. He seemed happy, though.

“You want to finish that movie?”, Yutaka changed the topic and nodded towards the laptop.

He felt like it might be good for them to get a break from all the emotions between them to sort out their minds for a while.

“Yeah”, Shou agreed, who seemed to feel the same.

He crawled over to grab the laptop and nearly fell over while trying to reach past Yutaka’s legs. It was awkward and pretty adorable.

Yutaka propped up the pillows again and made himself comfortable, creating space for Shou to snuggle up to him.

This time, it was him who took the laptop on his knees and Shou curled up against him and it did no longer feel tense at all.

“Not to sound like the porn addict I am”, Shou mumbled. “But I really hope they’ll bone.”

Yutaka laughed and kissed the top of Shou’s head, before starting the movie again.

He looked at Hyde and Gackt continuing their little charade and he thought, that they seemed very cool and somehow polished. He could imagine them making out on camera and it would look hot and natural. They would undress each other without getting entangled in their clothes and their hair would look tousled but still perfect somehow afterwards. Their position would never be so awkward that someone’s arm fell asleep and no one would cum in their pants. They wouldn’t embarrass themselves and they wouldn’t be weird.

He didn’t envy them.

Absent-mindedly he ran his hand through Shou’s hair. He wondered, what it would be like to be his boyfriend. If it would be more complicated than dating a girl. If they would really manage to just switch from being friends to being lovers this smoothly. If they would have to keep it secret from their friends or if they would be open about it.

They obviously both wanted to be with each other, but alone at Shou’s apartment when they still felt happy and excited, it might just be the easy thing to want. Maybe it was only true for them right now and right here, but wouldn’t hold up in the outside world, when their relationship actually needed to prove itself.

Yutaka inhaled the chemical smell of Shou’s shampoo.

All that Yutaka did for a very long time after opening the door was stare at him.

Shou regretted coming over in the first place. He had no reason to believe that Yutaka even wanted him here. He hadn’t been invited or anything.

He clenched the strap of the gift bag harder. He was holding on to it with both hands. What a stupid idea. He should have stayed home.

“Happy birthday”, he said weakly, realizing that Yutaka wasn’t going to say anything anytime soon.

“Is this a joke?”, Yutaka asked.

Shou blinked slowly.

“Dude, I know your memory is shit, but please tell me you didn’t forget about your own birthday.”

Yutaka laughed. He had a deep, calm laugh, that wasn’t loud and breathless like Shou’s. Of all the people he knew, Yutaka had the most relaxed laughter.

His face, that had been nearly expressionless before, finally lit up. He looked handsome when he laughed and a little bit surprised. Sometimes, Yutaka looked like he wasn’t even sure why he was laughing.

“No, of course, I remember my birthday”, he said. “I just wasn’t expecting you to show up here out of nowhere. We saw each other only yesterday.”

Shou shrugged defensively. He wasn’t sure why he had come here either, except that he had wanted to do something nice for Yutaka.

“Well, yeah”, he admitted. “With the show yesterday and your birthday stream tomorrow, I know you need the day to rest. But I thought spending your actual birthday all alone might be a bit depressing. There isn’t really a chance to meet with friends freely still and since we are currently touring together anyway and … I just thought you might like some company.”

Yutaka was smirking softly now and he nodded towards the gift bag in Shou’s hands.

“Did you bring cake?”

For a moment, Shou felt completely confused. Should he have brought cake? He hadn’t wanted to turn this into a big, sappy deal. At least that’s what he told himself. Truthfully, he hadn’t even considered to bring cake. He really wasn’t good at making other people feel cared for.

“Uhm, no, sorry”, he said.

Yutaka sighed theatrically.

“You really are useless”, Yutaka muttered and briefly Shou thought that he would just send him away. Like he had pointed out – Yutaka needed the rest today after all.

But instead, Yutaka stepped aside and opened the front door further.

“Now, come in already.”

Hesitantly Shou stepped into Yutaka’s apartment and took off his shoes. He knew his way around the place, but didn’t feel exactly familiar with it. They hardly ever visited each other at home.

“Sorry, I wasn’t meaning to bother you”, Shou said quietly.

Yutaka waved it off with an almost violent gesture.

“Never mind. I was indeed feeling lonely, since I can’t really meet with anyone. Even your company is better than spending my birthday all alone.”

“Very charming”, Shou mumbled as he followed Yutaka into the apartment.

“No, seriously”, Yutaka said and turned around rather suddenly. “I’m happy you came. I would have invited you, but I thought you’d be busy.”

Shou pulled up his shoulders. He didn’t know how to reply, because it felt like Yutaka was just being polite. If he had invited anyone over, Shou surely wouldn’t have been his first choice. Even among the other members, he was more likely to hang out with Kenji in private.

“Sit down”, Yutaka offered. “Can I get you anything?” He paused. “There is no birthday cake, though.”

Shou grimaced sarcastically and let himself fall onto Yutaka’s couch.

“I’m good, thanks”, he said. “And I’m sure you’ll get plenty of cake tomorrow.”

He was holding on to the gift bag on his lap constrainedly and felt pretty silly about it. He wasn’t sure he was really supposed to give Yutaka his gift. Sure, all the articles said that handing out gifts to other people was going to make you happier overall, but none of the articles had mentioned the dread Shou experienced, whenever he gave someone a present. Not being able to foresee their reaction made him uncomfortable. Gifting was pretty stressful.

“Tomorrow is tomorrow”, Yutaka scoffed and sat down next to him. “Today is my birthday.”

Shou rolled his eyes visibly.

“So greedy”, he scolded.

Yutaka nodded towards the gift bag Shou was clutching.

“Is that a birthday present for me then? Hand it over already.”

Demandingly he extended his hand.

Shou clenched the straps of the bag even tighter. Maybe Yutaka wouldn’t like the present. Or maybe it was too much and he wouldn’t know how to react. Maybe he would get the wrong idea as to why Shou had got it for him. It was better to just take it home with him again. Maybe he could get a refund.

“See, that’s what I mean”, he complained and looked at Yutaka’s extended hand accusingly. “You’re greedy.”

As nonchalantly as possible he held out the gift bag to Yutaka, pretending that he didn’t care much for his reaction anyway. He didn’t quite understand, why he always had to act that distant, pushing away the people he cared for. But then, Yutaka didn’t exactly make it easy on him. He was rude. If he made of fun of Shou for the present, it would be so much harder to endure, if he had allowed himself to be vulnerable first.

Rather hesitantly Yutaka took the bag and eyed it curiously from the outside.

“This is not one of your usual presents, is it?”, he assured. “Like drain cleaner or sockets.”

“Those were very useful presents”, Shou pointed out and crossed the arms in front of his chest. He pretended to be sulky so Yutaka wouldn’t notice that he was in fact quite nervous.

“And so cheap moreover”, Yutaka teased and finally took the box out of the bag. Shou had even went through the trouble of wrapping it. He had needed to buy wrapping paper for the first time in his life. But he had wanted to get this right, when he had already bought an expensive present like this.

“Honestly, the wrapping makes it even scarier”, Yutaka observed. For some reason, he also seemed nervous as if he desperately wanted to make sure, Shou knew he wasn’t getting his hopes up.

“Just unpack it already, for fuck’s sake”, Shou complained, but couldn’t keep his voice from betraying how tense he felt.

Without further ado Yutaka ripped open the wrapping paper and stared at the product underneath in silence. Shou had left it in the box, since it came with a manual and all sorts of equipment and he hadn’t wanted to wrap everything up separately. Moreover, it would have been pretty weird to wrap a manual like it was an actual present.

“Seriously?”, Yutaka asked. He kept his voice low.

“What?”, Shou asked aggressively. “If you don’t like it, I’ll return it.”

“No, no.” Yutaka shook his head hectically. He started opening the carton box as well. “I just won’t believe it, until I see it with my own eyes. This present is so not like you. You’re usually such a cheapskate!”

He laughed at that himself and flipped open the lid of the box.

“I bought it used”, Shou defended himself. “It’s not a new model. I wouldn’t spend that much money on you.”

He watched Yutaka’s face closely. He wasn’t paying attention to Shou at all.

Carefully he lifted the black camera out of the box. His features softened noticeable. Although he usually seemed relaxed, Shou thought that he rarely saw Yutaka looking this much at peace.

“Still”, he said without turning his eyes away from his present. “This is a really good camera. It must have cost a lot, even if you bought it used.”

“Don’t mention it”, Shou mumbled embarrassedly.

Finally, Yutaka looked up and met his eyes. He was grinning again.

“I bet you died a little inside, when you bought this”, he stated mischievously. “Did it hurt to spend all that money?”

Shou reached out and slapped Yutaka across the back of his head.

“Stop rubbing it in, jerk”, he huffed.

Yutaka chuckled to himself. Suddenly he turned serious.

“This isn’t supposed to make up for something, though, is it? Did you do something horrible that I don’t know of yet? Are you going to kick me out of the band? Did you sleep with my wife?”

Shou rolled his eyes again.

“You are not even married, Yutaka”, he pointed out.

“No”, Yutaka agreed and gave Shou a long look, that made his face feel very hot for no specific reason at all. “I’m very much not.”

“Anyway”, Shou changed the topic. His mouth felt a little dry. “It’s just that I read that getting people presents makes you happier as well. And I want to find ways to be happier, too. So, I’m trying this now.”

Yutaka ran his fingers over the camera gently.

“I think you never got me a proper present before”, he observed. “And we know each other since forever.”

“Well, honestly, you didn’t deserve it this year either”, Shou said. “And it was so expensive, that you won’t be getting anything for the next years.”

“I just didn’t think …” Yutaka broke off. “You know I’m interested in photography. I just didn’t expect you to support me.”

Shou didn’t know how to reply right away. Yutaka had spoken softly. Shou felt sorry to think that Yutaka would ever not feel supported by him in anything he tried. After all, Shou always went to see all of his plays, too, although in his opinion Yutaka looked a little misplaced on stage. For some reason, Yutaka seemed to get paired up only with ridiculously tall actors.

“I’ve always supported your artistic efforts, you know that”, Shou scolded him softly.

“Like when?”, Yutaka asked doubtfully.

“Like when I let you be in my band, although you sucked at guitar”, Shou countered.

Yutaka laughed again. He lifted the camera to his eyes now, focusing on the coffee table and started playing around with the settings. Shou would have recommended him to read the manual first, but then he knew that the advice would be wasted on Yutaka. He wasn’t the type for reading a manual first.

“It’s still our band”, Yutaka corrected him lightly and started taking pictures of the table, shifting his position on the couch to try out different angles. Shou had to pull up his legs to make way for him.

“And you still suck at guitar”, Shou replied.

Yutaka grinned, but didn’t come up with a snarky remark. Instead, he went to adjusting the settings of his new camera again.

Shou couldn’t help smiling while he watched him. Maybe making gifts did cause happiness. Yutaka seemed so happy and excited trying out the camera, that Shou felt all warm inside. Surely that was because of the knowledge, that he had caused someone else happiness, and not because of how pretty Yutaka looked, when he was happy and lost in thoughts.

Now Yutaka lowered the camera and ran his fingertips across it again gently. It looked like he was caressing it.

“You want to be alone for a bit?”, Shou joked, but he tensed up the moment the words were out. He had come here to give Yutaka his present. He had done that now. It was possible, that Yutaka would expect him to leave. He didn’t really have any reason for staying. He didn’t want to be a nuisance nor appear clingy in any way. But he also didn’t want to leave so soon.

“No way, you can’t leave”, Yutaka exclaimed and turned towards him. He lifted the camera to his eyes again. “I need a human model.”

“Don’t do that”, Shou protested and held up his palm to cover the camera lens while turning his face away. “I don’t want my pictures taken.”

“Oh, come on”, Yutaka begged. “You’re the only one around. And I really want to practice on a person. You can’t just give me half a present. You need to let me try it out properly, too!”

Shou winced and lifted his hand to his face to cover it. Yutaka knew perfectly well, why he didn’t want his pictures to be taken right now, but he felt embarrassed to say it out loud.

“Please, I’m not wearing any makeup. It makes me uncomfortable.”

“It’s just for practice”, Yutaka insisted. “They’ll never be published anywhere.”

“I’m ugly”, Shou blurted out, annoyed at himself for sounding so angry. He hadn’t meant to turn it into a big deal.

“Just a few pictures”, Yutaka said. His voice was gentler than before, but of course it had been stupid of Shou to hope for some kind of reassurance. “I just want to practice on the living object. And even without makeup you still look …” He broke off.

“… human?”, Shou finished for him dryly.

Yutaka looked down, fiddling with the camera, but Shou noticed that he didn’t actually change any settings.

“I was meaning to say ‘cute’, but whatever”, he muttered.

Shou felt his cheeks heating up, although it was silly of course. Yutaka was probably just making fun of him.

“Because actually”, Yutaka added and looked up again challengingly. “I’m not so sure about the human part. Without makeup you look more like a fish.”

Shou made a face at him. He felt a little hurt by the comment, but oddly relieved at the same time. He didn’t like being called ugly, but at least that was a version of Yutaka he knew how to deal with. He had no idea how to react to compliments, if he didn’t know how they were meant in the first place.

“Alright then”, he agreed. “Take some snap shots, so I can make fun of your lack of skill.”

He turned to face Yutaka and looked at him provokingly. When Yutaka lifted the camera, he felt nervous anyway. To take good pictures, Yutaka had to look at him closely. Shou wished he could hide his face somewhere or maybe get a new one. He was pretty sure, that he was blushing slightly, but he only put on a grimmer expression to compensate for that. He didn’t want to seem vulnerable.

Yutaka took a picture and then checked on the small display. He flicked his tongue in disapproval, then he looked around the room.

“The light in here is shitty around this time of day. It’s better in the bedroom now. Can we try there?”

Shou noticed that he sounded somewhat insecure when he asked the question. Usually, it would have been more like Yutaka to just announce the decision already. But a part of him seemed hesitant about inviting Shou for a photoshoot in his bedroom too directly. He obviously didn’t want Shou to get the wrong idea. Though Shou had no idea what the wrong idea might be. Why would he think anything funny about Yutaka wanting to take pictures of him in his bedroom? Any irritated thought would imply the possibility of something sexual happening between them. That would be a weird thought, so obviously, Shou didn’t think it. He thought taking photos in Yutaka’s bedroom was a completely normal request. The light there was better around this time of day. That was all.

“Fine”, he said and got up a bit too fast. He wanted to prove he didn’t get any funny ideas about Yutaka’s suggestion and that to him, it felt completely normal and didn’t make him nervous at all. He tried to swallow, but his mouth was too dry.

“Alright”, Yutaka agreed and got up as well. He still seemed hesitant for another moment, then he led the way to the bedroom.

Hurriedly, he tore the blanket and the pillow off the bed, dropping them to the floor carelessly. Shou would have liked to scold him, but then it was Yutaka’s place. His motions were frantic and somehow it looked as if he tried to get rid of evidence. Seemingly, he wanted to make Shou forget that his bed was indeed a bed.

“Please, sit down”, he gestured. “I guess it’s weird when you are just standing.”

Shou sat down at the edge of the bed.

“What do I do now?”, he asked. He didn’t know if he was supposed to get further onto the bed. He didn’t exactly want to sprawl out on Yutaka’s bed and invite him to take pictures. It would make him feel like a pervert, even if he was fully dressed. And then, he wouldn’t know how to look sexy anyway. Better just pretend the bed was a chair.

“Just relax. You don’t have to pose. Sit naturally.”

Shou remained sitting on the bed, not knowing where to put his hands. He rested them on his thighs.

“Okay, not like that”, Yutaka corrected himself. “Your natural position just looks miserable. Can you try to straighten up at least?”

Shou realized that instinctively, he had sat even more hunched than usual to make himself as small as possible. His usual body posture was pretty bad already.

He tried to sit up straight. He still didn’t know what to do with his hands.

Yutaka knelt down on the floor, trying different angles on him without pressing the shutter button yet. Shou didn’t know where to look.

“This is weird”, Yutaka observed and chuckled. “Can you get on the bed properly? You’re too far from the wall and casting weird shadows.”

Shou sighed.

“I think you’re just making that stuff up”, he complained. “You don’t actually know what you are doing anyway.”

But he did shuffle back on the bed until his back was almost resting against the white wall that framed the side of Yutaka’s bed.

Yutaka lifted the camera again and propped one of his knees up on the bed.

“Better”, he concluded.

Involuntarily Shou reached up to fix his hair, although he couldn’t even see what it looked like right now.

“Leave it, it’s fine”, Yutaka said. “Look at me.”

Shou looked into the camera and heard the clicking of the shutter. He felt strangely embarrassed, knowing that this picture of him would now be able to exist forever. It was weird that he thought about that now, when he had his photos taken often enough for work. It felt different, when Yutaka was the one behind the camera, though. It felt more personal, like those photos weren’t just capturing his persona, but a part of him he liked to keep hidden. Maybe, there would be too much longing in his eyes.

“Great, turn your head to the left. Yes, just like that. No, too far. Now, look down just a little.”

Shou lowered his gaze.

He had expected Yutaka to sound gleeful while bossing him around. But he didn’t sound like he was enjoying to give out orders, but matter-of-factly, as if he was too caught up in the act of photographing to pay attention to anything else. Seeing him act so professional was actually quite sexy.

“Ah, the light here is great”, Yutaka observed and climbed onto the bed completely to get Shou from another angle as well.

Shou felt overly conscious of his own body. He didn’t know where to put his arms or his legs or how to hold his head in a natural way. He had completely forgotten how he managed to operate his body on a daily basis. It didn’t help, that he was very aware of Yutaka watching him. Yutaka of all people. Shou wanted to look good for him, for the camera. But he didn’t even manage to look natural.

“Lean back”, Yutaka ordered. “Put your weight on your left arm more. Now, tilt back your head slightly.”

Shou was glad for receiving clear instructions. At least, he didn’t have to wonder what to do with his body, when Yutaka asked him for specific poses.

“Look at me”, Yutaka asked. “You keep looking away.”

Hesitantly Shou looked into the camera.

Yutaka shuffled closer. Shou didn’t understand why that made him nervous. There was still the camera between them.

Yutaka lowered the camera and checked the last photos on the display. Shou studied his face closely, trying to read his expression. He would have liked to know if Yutaka was pleased with the way he looked or if Shou’s looks did disappoint him in the end.

“And?”, Shou asked impatiently. “How ugly did you make me look?”

Yutaka shrugged without replying and started fumbling with the settings of his camera again.

“Oi!”, Shou scoffed. “Aren’t you supposed to say something reassuring, if you want me to keep modelling? At least say something.” He was angry at himself for sounding pleading.

Yutaka looked up shortly and his expression was surprisingly serious.

“I could make a joke to brush it off, but it would probably hurt you”, Yutaka said calmly. “And if I made you a compliment, you wouldn’t believe me. You’d be uncomfortable either way.”

Shou’s face burned with heat. It wasn’t just embarrassment but something more primal he felt. He felt ashamed, because he knew that Yutaka was right. He craved compliments so badly, but even when he received them, he never believed them anyway, because he felt ugly deep down regardless. He wished Yutaka had just made a joke.

“I’m sorry”, Yutaka added.

Shou exhaled shakily.

“It’s alright”, he confessed. “You’ve got a point after all.”

“They look good, I think”, Yutaka said. He still didn’t look up. Shou watched him fumbling with the camera for another moment. The thought that Yutaka liked the pictures made him feel a little better.

“Okay, now pose like it’s for work. Show me your cool side”, Yutaka suggested. His voice was light as if he tried to make up for his seriousness before.

Shou tried to put on a serious expression.

“You mean you want me to pose like it’s for the fans?”, he asked.

“No, I want more effort than that!”, Yutaka shouted and held up the camera again. “Pose like you’re getting paid for it!”

Shou burst out laughing. The shutter clicked soundly.

“Oi!”, he protested, still laughing. “I wasn’t ready yet!”

Yutaka took another picture, sticking out his tongue at Shou, which looked pretty stupid behind the camera hiding most of his face.

“Penis!”, Yutaka said without context.

Shou tried to roll his eyes, but he kept laughing anyway.

“You are stupid”, he scolded. It was obvious, that Yutaka had tried to catch him off guard for the pictures. Shou assumed they would turn out blurry and useless. He felt giddy nonetheless. Taking pictures like this was more fun than not knowing what to do with his hands at least.

“Hey”, Yutaka said suddenly and lowered the camera. “Stay like this, wait.”

He leaned in and brushed Shou’s hair back on the left side, tucking it behind his ear carefully. His fingers crazed his cheek lightly. The intimate gesture came so unexpectedly, that it caused Shou’s heart to outright skip a beat.

“I’ve always thought you look sexy like this”, Yutaka explained. His voice was too light to sound flirty, but the comment made Shou feel very tense from one moment to the next. His normal reaction would have been to scold Yutaka for the remark, but he didn’t want to prove him right by showing that he was indeed unable to accept compliments. Instead, he stayed silent.

Yutaka leaned back to study his face more closely. Shou didn’t dare to move, because Yutaka had told him to hold the position, but also because he wouldn’t have known what to do or where to look otherwise at all.

“Could you …?” Now Yutaka’s voice cracked and Shou thought that he suddenly seemed nervous as well. “Could you bite your lips for me? I mean, so they’ll turn pink. It will look nicer on the photos.”

Shou hesitated, feeling embarrassed. He wished Yutaka wouldn’t stare at his lips so openly. He bit down on his lower lip and smacked his lips self-consciously. Yutaka was still staring. For a moment, he seemed so absent-minded that Shou was convinced he had forgotten about the photo shooting entirely.

Finally, Yutaka cleared his throat.

“Good. I mean, uh, good”, he stuttered and clenched the camera tighter as he lifted it to his eyes. It seemed to help him calm down.

“Your lips are gorgeous. It would be a shame to not bring them out properly”, he added as an explanation.

Very briefly, Shou wondered why Yutaka didn’t just kiss him.

“Just take your stupid pictures already”, he muttered, trying to keep as still as possible. “I can’t sit still forever.”

“Don’t be such a baby”, Yutaka scolded, but did take another picture. “Look at me.”

Shou moved only his eyes. He didn’t know when this had turned so sensual. He was very aware of Yutaka’s eyes all over him. His face, his lips, his neckline. He wondered, what Yutaka thought about while looking at him like this. The possibilities made it difficult for him to swallow. Hopefully, they would be done soon. This couldn’t get any worse. The room was oddly hot, too. Shou wished they could open a window.

“Lay down”, Yutaka said.

“What?” Shou’s voice came out quieter than he had intended. He sounded insecure.

Yutaka got up, so he was now standing on the bed. He waved for Shou to move.

“Come on, I want to get some different positions. Just get down on your back.”

Shou hesitated, but then Yutaka was just standing on the bed, which wasn’t a position that screamed of sexual tension exactly. He seemed rather impatient with Shou, too. He probably wasn’t thinking anything of it at all.

Shou followed his instruction and lay down on his back, propping himself up on one arm slightly.

“Yes, give me that soft, just-woken-up look”, Yutaka said.

Shou reached up and ran his hand through his hair, leaving it behind tousled.

“Great”, Yutaka confirmed and took pictures. He was standing over Shou, one foot at each side of his hips. It was a somewhat ridiculous position.

“Can you put your arm over your head?”

Shou sunk back onto the sheets completely and raised his arm over his head. The position was making him feel vulnerable, because it didn’t allow him to shield his body with his arm anymore.

Yutaka leaned forward and for a moment, Shou worried, that he would just fall over while taking pictures. Judging by the lines around his mouth, he was pretty focused.

“Better do a close-up”, Yutaka announced and without warning he sat down.

Shou’s breath sounded shaky in his own ears.

Yutaka was straddling him and although he used his legs to support himself, Shou could sense the weight of his body against his abdomen clearly. Yutaka’s body was so warm, that he grew even hotter instantly.

“What are you doing?”, he protested weakly.

“What? It’s a good position for getting your face”, Yutaka defended himself.

“I’ve been at a lot of photoshoots before”, Shou pointed out. “And you’re the first photographer to ever straddle me.”

“Well, they have no idea what they were missing”, Yutaka joked. He shifted his weight, so he was practically rubbing his butt against Shou. Shou very much wished he wouldn’t do that. It made him break into a cold sweat.

“Look here”, Yutaka ordered and pressed the camera to his eyes. After a second, he lowered it again. “And maybe try to look seductive. And less paralyzed by fear. Right now, you look like you’re about to get eaten by a shark.”

Shou tried to even out his breath. So, Yutaka could tell.

Bravely he tried to meet the eye of the camera.

“Come on”, Yutaka said. “You still seem scared. Look at me like I’m your girlfriend.”

At least, the suggestion made Shou laugh. With Yutaka sitting on top of him, it was hard to move.

“To be fair, this is pretty much exactly how I would look at you, if you were my girlfriend”, he pointed out.

Yutaka grinned and lifted the camera again.

“Right”, he said. “I forgot, you’re scared of girls, too. Look at me like I’m a sandwich maker then.”

“Yutaka”, Shou protested, but had to laugh in spite of himself. He looked up at Yutaka affectionately. He always had to be such an idiot.

“Right, that’s it”, Yutaka confirmed and quickly took a picture.

Shou made a face, which unfortunately didn’t stop Yutaka from taking more pictures. Shou bared his teeth.

Yutaka was laughing at his silly faces, but finally lowered the camera.

“Alright, now I need you to take off your shirt”, he announced.

“What?”, Shou asked, too baffled to develop any complicated feelings about the request. “I’m surely not taking off my shirt.”

“It’s necessary”, Yutaka declared in a dramatic manner. “The rest of your clothes have to go, too, that would be better. You see, the light and the camera reflexes work differently on the human skin and I just need to practice getting that right. So, for the sake of art, it’s not debatable. You have to get naked.”

“You’re so full of shit”, Shou said and laughed, nudging Yutaka’s thigh. Usually, he might have felt uncomfortable about the suggestion, but Yutaka put on such a show, that it was obvious he was joking. “Camera reflexes, my ass. I won’t let you take my nudes. You have to ask Kenji for that.”

Yutaka chuckled gently.

“Okay, okay”, he agreed. “But I just had to try.”

He said it like Shou was supposed to know what he meant by that. Had he just had to take his chance to tease Shou? Or was he implying, that he just had to try to get Shou naked in his bed? And if so, why was he acting, like Shou should know about that?

Shou cleared his throat and nudged Yutaka’s leg harder now.

“Anyway, get off me already”, he huffed. “Let me check, if the pictures you took are even any good.”

Yutaka sighed quietly, but climbed off Shou. He sat down and checked the last pictures he had taken, while Shou scrambled into a sitting position.

“Here”, Yutaka said and held the camera out to Shou.

Shou took it and regretted breaking the tension between them. If he had just been a little braver, things might have turned out differently.

But luckily, Yutaka had the ability to stay pretty unbothered by Shou’s constant attempts of pulling away. He crawled closer and sat down behind Shou. He had his legs spread, so one was stretched out behind Shou, while he was kneeling on the other one in a way, that allowed him to look over Shou’s shoulder. He could easily have placed his chin on Shou’s shoulder as well, but he kept his distance. If Shou had leaned back just a little, Yutaka could have wrapped his arms around his waist and held him from behind.

Shou tried to focus on the small display in his hands and not on the warmth of Yutaka’s body behind him.

The first pictures made him wince. Those were the ones Yutaka had taken of him while making faces just now. The worst thing wasn’t the weird faces, though, although all the wrinkles and teeth sure weren’t flattering. It was the fact, that his cheeks looked so red and he was clearly flushed. Even on the pictures Shou could see how much Yutaka’s physical closeness had unsettled him. And it wasn’t the sexy kind of unsettlement. He looked weird and embarrassed.

“God, these pictures are ugly”, Shou said and flicked his tongue. “You suck at photography, too, it seems.”

“It’s the fault of the model”, Yutaka defended himself and laughed. “Even a good photographer can only do so much with a face like that.”

“Jerk”, Shou said.

Yutaka didn’t reply.

Shou kept clicking through the photos.

Yutaka leaned in closer and tilted his head, so he could rest his cheek against Shou’s shoulder. The gesture was definitely too intimate to be entirely casual. Shou stared down on the camera.

They were done with the goofy, flushed pictures now and reached the ones, that Yutaka had taken with his hair tucked back behind his ear.

Shou stopped at one of the photos. The light was falling in on his face nicely, his eyes were cast down. His features looked serious yet soft, and the angle made his face look more contoured than usual. It didn’t look exactly like the pictures they took at photo shootings, because he wasn’t wearing makeup and his hair was just falling down casually, but it still wasn’t too bad.

“I look pretty nice here”, Shou observed surprised. He could almost make himself believe, that it was the picture of someone else, and if it had been a stranger, Shou would have considered him to be reasonably handsome at least.

“You do”, Yutaka confirmed.

Shou stayed silent and stared down on the picture some more. He didn’t feel ready to let this one go and look at more ugly pictures of himself.

“But, here”, Yutaka said gently and lifted his head off Shou’s shoulder. To his surprise, Shou realized he missed its weight. It had felt oddly comforting.

Yutaka reached around him and pushed Shou’s thumb off the button. Shou was still holding the camera in place, though, so Yutaka’s hand was more or less cupping his own. His palm felt warm against the back of Shou’s hand.

“This is my favourite one”, Yutaka added and clicked through the photos quickly, until he stopped at one.

Critically Shou looked down onto the picture. Yutaka did not pull back his hand. Shou assumed he could have pulled back his hand himself, since he was still holding the camera with the other one. But he didn’t want to break the touch either.

The photo Yutaka had wanted to show him wasn’t the worst one Shou had ever seen of himself, but it also wasn’t the best. It was one of the pictures, on which he was laughing, because Yutaka had horsed around. The light fell onto his face nicely here, too, and his hair looked soft and fluffy. But he was had his mouth open and his teeth were showing and weird wrinkles lined the corner of his eyes. He looked happy, but Shou preferred the handsome stranger nonetheless.

“It looks very much like …” He hesitated. “Well, like me.”

“Yeah”, Yutaka agreed. He didn’t say anything else.

Shou kept looking down on the picture.

“Well, I assume it’s not so bad”, he finally concluded.

Yutaka put his cheek back against Shou’s shoulder and his hand snug up to Shou’s waist from behind. He was touching him very lightly, his other hand still cupping Shou’s as they both held on to the camera. It felt as if he was getting the softest hug with most of their bodies not touching at all, but it would only take a slight shift to make Shou sink back into Yutaka’s arms.

Obviously, Yutaka was waiting, if he would pull back. Shou did not move at all.

“I’m sorry about earlier”, Yutaka said quietly.

Shou had no idea what he was talking about.

“I shouldn’t have been so rude, when I opened the present. I made fun of you, instead of telling you how happy it made me.”

“It’s fine”, Shou said and lowered the camera onto his lap. “I’m used to your ungrateful ass.”

“I was just insecure”, Yutaka owned up softly. “Because I didn’t know if it was just a camera, or a camera, with which you wanted to tell me something more. I didn’t want to give the wrong reaction.”

Shou could hear the question in Yutaka’s voice, that he hadn’t outright asked yet.

Very quietly Shou sighed. It was something he had thought about before, of course.

“It’s just a camera”, he said.

Yutaka sat up straight, so his head was no longer resting against Shou. He pulled his hand back from Shou’s waist, too. The touch had been so light in the first place, that it was hard to even tell the difference.

Before he could let go of Shou’s hand as well, Shou grabbed his wrist to hold him back.

“No, wait, let me explain.”

Yutaka froze up. He didn’t try to pull his hand away, but he also didn’t lean back in.

“It’s just a camera, so it doesn’t come with any obligations. I just wanted to make you happy. No ulterior motive. That doesn’t mean you’re mistaken about the other thing, though. They are just, you know, two separate issues.”

Shou let go of Yutaka’s wrist to lift two fingers into the air illustrating. It was important to him, that Yutaka understood the difference. He hadn’t been meaning to bribe him or trick him into feeling anything for him. If the feelings already existed in the first place, though, Shou wasn’t going to reject them.

He sensed Yutaka relaxing next to him. The tension just seemed to vanish from his body and his touch felt softer again.

“So, it’s just a camera for a friend and you didn’t mean to tell me anything more with it?”, Yutaka asked.

“Yes”, Shou confirmed.

“But you also wouldn’t mind, if I …”

“Yes”, Shou interrupted him hastily to end Yutaka’s wondering as soon as possible. Then he realized that this might have been the wrong answer, depending on the question. “I mean, no.” He laughed nervously. “I’m sorry, what was the question?”

Yutaka chuckled and put his chin back on Shou’s shoulder.

“What I meant was … Could I convince you to take off your clothes for me in the future, if I promised not to take photos?”

“Well, either you promise not to take photos, or you let me do my makeup first”, Shou replied and Yutaka laughed his deep, calm laughter.

He wrapped his arms around Shou’s waist, just like Shou had imagined he would, and pulled him into a tight embrace. He buried his face against his neck from behind and inhaled as deeply as if he wanted to breathe Shou in.

“You are a hopeless pervert”, he mumbled and his voice came out muffled. Shou sensed his warm breath against his neck.

He had expected his heart to race, if Yutaka actually held him this tightly, but instead he finally felt completely at ease. It seemed that giving out gifts did make you happy after all.

“Now, put the camera aside”, Yutaka said and lifted his head without letting go of Shou with his arms. “I don’t want it to get damaged.”

Now Shou’s heartbeat did quicken at the prospect of what Yutaka might have in store for him, that could possibly damage the camera.

Shou lifted it off his lap slowly, holding it in his hands.

“Why? What are you going to do?”, he asked. He sounded breathless.

Valentine’s Day was a waste of time, that was Shou’s opinion on it at least. Especially since they still had so much to plan and organize until the tour started in March. Mere weeks and they would start their program with two shows per day, not knowing how that would work out at all. They had more important things to do than act lovey-dovey with someone.

Shou felt that way, because he was a responsible adult, to whom the fans were more important than anything else, and not because he didn’t have a significant other to spend the day with.

His bandmates were a different matter of course. Jun was spending Valentine’s Day with his family and Kenji hadn’t passed on a single opportunity to bring up the hot date he had secured for himself. Yutaka hadn’t bragged, but Shou knew, that he always had a date on Valentine’s Day. Most years, he wouldn’t shut up about it.

So, Shou was the only one sitting at home on his own today; not because he was sad and lonely, but because he was the only one dedicated enough to make the sacrifice to ensure their tour would work out as planned. He was angry at the others for leaving all the work up to him - as always. He wasn’t jealous, because Jun had already found the person, he wanted to spend the rest of his life with, nor because Kenji would certainly get laid tonight with these obscene good looks of his, nor because of Yutaka.

The doorbell interrupted his negative thoughts.

Shou furrowed his brows. He was not expecting anyone. Absolutely everybody he knew had better things to do today than show up on his doorstep. Didn’t people know it was Valentine’s Day? They were supposed to be smooching or canoodling, or whatever you did on this day when you weren’t Shou.

Suspiciously he went over to the door.

“Yeah?”, he asked over the intercom.

“A delivery for Kiryuuin Shou”, a male voice said.

Shou hesitated. He wasn’t expecting anything. He hadn’t ordered anything online lately and when he did, he usually used his real name, since it was the one showing up on the bills as well. But it wouldn’t be the first time he had ordered something to the office and then forgotten about it. The staff usually forwarded the packages to him using his stage name.

He buzzed up the delivery guy and opened the front door already, so he wouldn’t have to ring again at the apartment door.

The young guy coming up the stairs wore a blue jacket with a logo patched to the shoulder, that looked somewhat official, but clearly didn’t belong to the regular postal service. He carried a small white box in his hand that seemed too delicate and quite frankly too clean to resemble a regular package.

“Mr. Kiryuuin?”, he asked.

“Yes, thank you”, Shou said and bowed his head lightly without taking the box. “What is this?”

The delivery guy looked down at the box in his hands in honest confusion. He looked so young, Shou guessed he was a college student working parttime.

“Well, it’s chocolates”, he pointed out dumbfounded. “It’s Valentine’s Day. I’m working for this start-up. We offer a delivery service especially for today. So, people can send chocolates to their loved ones. I’ve got a delivery for you.”

Shou stared at the box as if it might contain something poisonous. He sensed a cold and hard knot forming in his stomach. It was a very unpleasant feeling.

“Who sent this?”, he asked.

The delivery guy shrugged apologetic.

“Well, you’re the one who has to figure that out, dude. No girlfriend?”

Slowly Shou shook his head.

“I want to know, who sent this”, he inquired. “Can’t you check your records?”

“No, sorry, can’t do. Most girls pay cash and don’t leave a name. It’s not necessary.” He shrugged.

“Do you know what’s inside?”, Shou wanted to know.

Now the guy furrowed his brow. He looked annoyed. He probably had other deliveries to make. Maybe he had a quote to fulfil.

“It’s probably chocolates. What else would it be?”

“What if someone sends a bomb?”, Shou asked.

The poor boy looked seriously troubled now.

“Why would anyone do that? We just deliver chocolates and flowers and stuff. Just take it.”

Briefly Shou considered to just outright decline it. But then, they would probably just throw out the box and he would lose every chance he had to find out who had sent it to him.

“Fine”, he said warily and took the box.

The guy held out a paper for Shou to sign and he did it absentmindedly, before he took the box inside with him. It really looked pretty and had doted ribbons wrapped around it, too. It seemed like something you would send your crush chocolates in on Valentine’s Day. Even if it were chocolates, it was still troublesome.

Shou placed the box on the kitchen counter and stared at it. He tried to breathe calmly. Just in case, he had locked the front door from the inside.

Whoever had sent him this box knew where he lived. A strange person – someone, who could literally be anyone – knew his address. They could be watching the building right now. There was nothing scarier than an anonymous present send to your private address, when you were a celebrity.

No matter how much Shou tried to fight it, he felt the panic rising in his chest, the anxiety drilling his stomach. He remembered all the trouble it had caused, when his address had gotten leaked the first time: The rushed moving, having to find a new place within a short period of time, organizing the transport of the furniture, while not being able to stay at his own apartment. He had crushed on Yutaka’s couch for more than a week and even after he had finally moved, Yutaka had needed to stay over the first night with him, because he had felt too tense to fall asleep alone at the new place.

More than the stress of moving, it was the feeling of being unsafe at a place that was meant to be his home – his safe space – that Shou dreaded. He didn’t want to go through it again. Constantly scared that someone was staring up to his window, while he packed up his things, scared to leave in the evening, because someone might be waiting on the street for him. Honestly, it had taken Shou months to settle into his new apartment. He still made jokes about being pissed, because someone had forced the trouble of moving upon him, but truth was, that even now, years after, he still felt his chest tightening occasionally whenever he came home late in the evening, not being able to shake the feeling of someone watching him as he unlocked the front door.

He turned around and drew the curtains, although his apartment was up too high for anyone to look in through the window anyway. Instead, he switched on the light overhead and felt a little bit calmer instantly.

He was still anxious, but at least the panic didn’t make him want to throw up anymore.

He considered taking the box over to the next police station. Maybe there were fingerprints on it. Maybe they could send someone back home along with him to watch the door to make sure no creepy stalker was sneaking around his neighbourhood while he slept.

But then the police might just laugh in his face, because a box of chocolates on Valentine’s Day wasn’t exactly much to go by. And he didn’t want to risk any publicity, before he had talked to the management. But could he really call them right now? It was Sunday and everyone was out of office, on Valentine’s Day for sure. Not that he wouldn’t be able to reach anyone, but he would feel bad for bothering them today. It would be better to inform everyone on Monday. No one had dropped dead animals on his doorstep after all. He probably wasn’t in any acute danger.

He really needed to talk to someone, though. Even if it was just to calm himself. Someone, who would understand and who was also affected, because a threat to Shou posed a threat to the entire band of course.

Shou took up his mobile and was about to dial Yutaka’s number, when he stopped short.

Would Yutaka really be okay with it, if he just called him now? He would probably scold Shou for bothering him. On Valentine’s Day moreover, when he had a date for sure. A small, mean part of Shou wanted to call him even more so. It would be the perfect excuse to ruin Yutaka’s date and take his revenge on him for being out having fun, when Shou was sitting home alone, working on the tour for all of them. But then he knew that he would never bring himself to be that much of a jerk. No matter how bitter he was, he didn’t want Yutaka to suffer because of his pettiness. The same went for Kenji, actually. He couldn’t call either of them and disturb their dates for selfish reasons. After all, they might be out with their future spouse this very moment. He couldn’t risk their chance of finding the right person.

So, he called the only person, who already had.

“Hello?”, Jun said after the fourth ring.

“Hey, Jun, it’s me, Shou”, Shou muttered.

“Oh, what’s up?”, Jun sounded tense, as if he dreaded the answer. Maybe he was scared Shou would make him work on his day off.

“I got Valentine’s chocolates”, Shou said. “That means, it’s supposed to be chocolates. It’s really just a white box. And I’m completely freaking out. I mean, it was an anonymous delivery. Jun, I think my address got leaked. Some crazy fan found out where I live and sent me this box and now, I’m not sure, if I should call the management or go to the police or …”

“Shou, calm down”, Jun interrupted him.

Shou took in another deep breath, trying to remind his body that he was not in physical danger right now.

“I’m scared”, Shou said quietly.

“You’re just being paranoid”, Jun said. “Those chocolates could be from anyone.”

“Exactly!”, Shou agreed.

Through the phone he heard Jun sigh.

“I just mean, they could be from the office. Or from someone you know. Have you opened the box yet?”

“Hell, you think I’m crazy?” Shou’s voice sounded too high-pitched in his own ears. “I’ve been sent teeth in the mail before. Fucking teeth. And those were sent to the office. Someone, who is crazy enough to sent it to my private address could be sending a severed ear, or a poisonous spider or whatnot. There is really no way I’m going to open this box.”

“You should just open it”, Jun said. “Didn’t you talk to the others yet?”

Shou stayed silent for a moment, clenching the phone tightly in his hand. He knew that Jun was really just asking about Yutaka, because he was always the one, whom Shou called first.

“I didn’t want to disturb them on Valentine’s Day”, he admitted weakly.

“Oh, but you could disturb me?”, Jun asked huffily.

“A sudden phone call can really ruin a first date”, Shou pointed out. “Your wife is not going to divorce you, just because you picked up the phone.”

Jun sighed once again.

“Okay, Shou, whatever you do, don’t take the box to the police, before even knowing what’s inside. I don’t think you should bother the management with it today either. Just take a look inside and if it’s something weird or dangerous, call me again and we’ll work it out. Okay? Just try to stay calm.”

“You’re just going to hang up on me like that?”, Shou assured in disbelief. “While my life might be in grave danger?”

“Well, it is Valentine’s Day”, Jun reminded him. “So, I’ve got to go. Open the damn box. Talk to you later.”

“Thanks for nothing”, Shou mumbled into the speaker, but the dial tone told him that Jun had already hung up. His bandmates really were useless.

He eyed the box again. Was Jun right? Was he overreacting? Maybe he should just brace himself and open the box. Not that he was going to eat the chocolates, if there were any inside. They might be poisoned. Or filled with a magic love portion. Or make him go bald. But at least he would know for sure what was inside the box.

He shook his head. No, he couldn’t do it. He just wasn’t brave enough. He needed to calm down first.

Turning his back on the white box as if he could trick it into thinking he didn’t care, Shou started pacing the apartment. He wasn’t sure if the movement actually helped to calm himself, but at least it gave him the feeling, that he was doing something. He stayed clear of the windows, though. You never knew who might be watching.

He got out his phone and checked it, although he didn’t know what for. He wasn’t expecting any calls.

Catching some fresh air would be nice. It would certainly relax him to go for a walk outside. But he didn’t dare to leave the apartment. He felt the anxiety rising in his chest almost physically. Moments ago, he had still considered consulting the police, now he couldn’t image going out on his own anymore at all. Eventually he would need to get new groceries. Maybe he could order something online? But how would he known whom to answer the door safely?

Shortly Shou closed his eyes.

His fears were getting irrational now. Maybe it would be better to stay inside today, but even if the box turned out to be from a creepy stalker fan, the management would come pick him up by tomorrow the latest. For that, he really needed to check what was inside the box, though.

There was really no point in avoiding it. He had to take a look inside, before he drew any conclusions. And really, how bad could it be? He had received teeth in the mail before and he had survived that, although it had freaked him out quite a bit. There was a fair chance it wouldn’t get worse than that, even if the circumstances were more frightening this time.

He went back over to the box and stared at it challengingly. It was just a box presumably filled with chocolates. It would not get the better of Shou.

Hesitantly he reached out.

The doorbell rang.

The sound was so loud and unexpected, that Shou flinched so hard, he hit his arm against the kitchen counter. He winced.

Who might that be? The stalker themselves? Were they testing him? Playing mind games?

But then, the explanation didn’t have to be so dark. Maybe Jun had changed his mind and come over to check on Shou. Quite a bit of time had passed since their call. Enough time for him to get here, if he hurried.

Shou walked over to the door and turned on the intercom.

“Yes?”, he asked warily.

“Buzz me up, you fucking moron”, a familiar voice shouted through the speaker.

Shou felt his whole body relaxing instantly. It was alright now. He didn’t know why Yutaka had shown up at his apartment, but it didn’t matter. Important was only that he was here now and just hearing his voice made Shou feel almost safe again.

He pressed the button to allow Yutaka into the building. This time, he waited before opening his front door, though. He stood behind it, until he heard Yutaka’s aggressive knocking. He never rang the doorbell like a normal person, but had to use his fist as if he was trying to pick a fight with the door.

Shou unlocked the door and yanked it open. The desire to just throw himself into Yutaka’s arms was almost overwhelming. He just wanted to be held for a moment, he just wanted to no longer feel alone but physically safe, and it would have been his reaction with any of his acquaintances showing up on his doorstep right now. Yutaka wasn’t special.

Yutaka’s facial expression stopped him short, though.

The lines showing on his forehead made him look grumpy, but he kept his eyes on the floor as if avoiding Shou’s gaze, which was pretty weird for someone, who usually never dodged a confrontation.

“What are you doing here?”, Shou asked.

Yutaka exhaled soundly and he finally looked up. He seemed oddly relieved, as if he had expected a different greeting.

“Jun called me to give me a heads up. He told me your paranoid ass was stressing over Valentine’s chocolate.”

Shou waved him in and made sure to lock the front door again. It made Yutaka roll his eyes visibly.

“It’s just weird”, Shou defended himself. “How would anyone know my private address? It’s scary they were delivered here.”

“The only thing weird about it is that anyone would send you chocolates to begin with. What a strange choice”, Yutaka muttered and went into the apartment without waiting for a proper invitation. He moved like he was at home here, too. “What’s with the curtains?”

Without waiting for an answer Yutaka went over to pull them open and let the daylight in again. He remained standing next to the window.

“Shut them again”, Shou asked. “I’m worried someone might be watching the apartment.”

“God, Shou, it’s probably someone you know. That’s how they knew your address. That’s the most reasonable explanation and what any normal person would assume first.”

Shou didn’t know why Yutaka sounded this angry. He usually had an aggressive way of talking, but at least with Shou he was normally patient. Maybe he was annoyed that Shou had ruined his Valentine’s date. The thought made him feel giddy and gleeful inside, but he tried not to pay attention to it. He was happy that Yutaka had chosen him over his date, but not in an inappropriate way.

“If they know me, they could have given the chocolates to me in person”, Shou said. “If we’re speaking of what a normal person would do.”

“Maybe they were scared of your reaction”, Yutaka said and crossed the arms in front of his chest. It looked funny how he remained standing next to the window instead of sitting down anywhere.

“If they knew me, they should have considered, that it would frighten me this way”, Shou insisted.

He smacked his lips, angry at Yutaka for scolding him instead of offering him the comfort he craved. But then he reminded himself, that Yutaka had probably given up on his date to be here in the first place and he should be less strict with him.

“Maybe they are just stupid”, Yutaka answered, his voice a lot louder than it had to be. “They have to be for liking you in the first place.”

“Why aren’t you on your date?”, Shou asked.

“My date?” Yutaka sounded so baffled, that he forgot to shout this time. “Who told you I had a date?”

Shou shrugged uncomfortably. He didn’t want Yutaka to think he had spent a lot of time picturing him on a date or anything.

“I just assumed”, he said vaguely. “That’s why I called Jun and not you. You always have a Valentine.”

Yutaka sighed.

“Well, this year I don’t. I messed up big time.”

“That doesn’t surprise me”, Shou mocked, more cheerful immediately. “I’m just surprised it never happened before.”

Yutaka gave him a dry smile and nodded over to the box.

“Now, just open the goddamn box already, so we can put that behind us. Whoever sent it probably left a note inside.”

Shou looked at him dumbfounded. He had to admit, that he hadn’t really thought of that yet. Just because the delivery boy hadn’t been able to give a name, he had assumed the box had been sent anonymously. He hadn’t really considered, that it might contain an actual confession.

“Alright”, he agreed sheepishly and turned towards the box. He waited for Yutaka to join him.

He didn’t.

Shou looked up. Yutaka had turned his back on him and was looking out the window as if he didn’t care at all, what Shou was up to. He had lowered his arms again and seemed unable to decide what to do with his hands. That was unusual for him. Normally Yutaka seemed very much at ease with his own body. Briefly Shou considered, that in spite of his dismissive words, Yutaka wasn’t entirely convinced that nothing horrible was inside the box either. Maybe he was also scared of Shou finding a severed ear inside and just tried to act tough to not worry him any further. He had the habit of acting more chill than he really was, just for Shou’s sake.

“Are you just going to let me do it alone?”, Shou asked incredulous.

“What do you want me to do?”, Yutaka asked and scoffed. “You need me to hold your hand?”

Shou felt his cheeks heating up and he lowered his gaze onto the box fast. Actually, he thought that it would feel nice, if Yutaka held his hand to comfort him, but he wasn’t going to admit that out loud.

“Of course not”, he said quietly and reached out to undo the ribbons around the box. With Yutaka by his side, he felt a whole lot braver than before.

Slowly he lifted the lid of the box.

There were chocolates inside indeed. Small, dark pralines that looked like they had been purchased from an actual chocolatier. The expensive kind.

Yutaka had been right about the note, too. On top of the chocolates sat a folded piece of white paper.

Shou took it up and unfolded it. His heart was beating very quickly. He felt scared, but strangely enough not in a dreadful way. He felt nervous.

His eyes fell onto the handwriting.

Shou, the note read. No “dear” or “beloved”, that would indicate a confession. The Valentine’s note started like an announcement. I don’t like admitting this, but I have romantic feelings for you. Since no one else will want you as their Valentine anyway, would you be mine?

The note was signed, too.

Shou put it back down onto the kitchen counter and licked his lips.

“You gave me a scare, idiot”, he said and looked up.

“I didn’t know you wouldn’t even open it”, Yutaka said and finally turned around to face Shou, although they were still several metres apart. “I’m sorry, though. I came here to miniate the damage. I wasn’t meaning to scare you.”

Shou nodded slowly. Yutaka looked lost as if he didn’t know what he was doing at Shou’s apartment any longer.

“Apology accepted”, Shou said.

“You don’t seem surprised”, Yutaka observed.

Shou smiled.

“Well, when you pointed out that the sender would have to be extraordinary stupid, I kind of figured. After all, you’re the dumbest person I know.”

“Alright”, Yutaka said and clapped his hands together. “I just wanted to assure there was no reason for you to be scared. Your address didn’t get leaked. You can sleep peacefully tonight. So, now that that’s settled, I’ll be on my way.”

He finally took a step away from the window to move towards the front door.

“Don’t you want to hear my answer first?”, Shou wanted to know.

Yutaka stopped short and looked at him wide-eyed. His face seemed to mirror the fear Shou had felt only a short while ago. Finally, Shou understood how much he had needed to overcome himself to show up here and face Shou, while he opened the box. He must have wanted to comfort Shou badly, if he was that scared of his reaction and had come here anyway. But then, it was very much like Yutaka to put his own worries behind himself only to take care of Shou – while being a total jerk about it at the same time.

“I think I better … I should …” Yutaka pointed towards the door helplessly. He looked like he wanted to just run out the door, before Shou could answer; like an animal in flight mode.

“Yes”, Shou interrupted him hastily to put him at ease. “Yes, I do want to be your Valentine.”

“Really?” The word came out incredibly soft and the tension disappeared from Yutaka’s shoulders visibly.

“Absolutely”, Shou confirmed and walked over to the window. Yutaka still looked like he could need some comfort. “I’m so happy the chocolates were from you.”

Gently he reached out and put his hands against Yutaka’s neck.

“I’m happy too”, Yutaka whispered.

Shou leaned in and rested his forehead against Yutaka’s. He sensed his body relaxing instantly. Being this close to Yutaka put him at ease like nothing else.

“I’m happy I’m no longer in danger of getting arrested by the police for having shitty taste in men”, Yutaka clarified.

Shou chuckled.

“And I’m happy that I won’t have to move”, he said. “It’s such a hassle.”

Yutaka laughed quietly. Shou sensed his body trembling softly against himself. The sound of Yutaka’s laughter made him feel safe. He leaned in and kissed him right in front of the window.

“Can’t you hurry?”, Shou muttered.

Yutaka was still fixing his hair in the mirror. Everyone else had already left the dressing rooms.

It was actually nice to take a shower right after the concert, remove the makeup and slip into more comfortable clothes. Usually, the routine felt rushed, with the fans cheering outside and wanting to catch the car before anyone could get the idea to wait up for them. That at least was an advantage of the digital lives they held nowadays. Shou missed seeing the happy faces of the fans while he sung to them, but he felt slightly less worn out after the shows. Right now, he didn’t feel sweaty and disgusting and rushing to get home. He felt like maybe a beer and some company would be nice. It was Christmas Eve after all.

“Will that take much longer?”, Shou kept nagging. “Because I think almost everyone else already left. I’d feel bad to make them wait just for us.”

“It takes time to look this good”, Yutaka said jokingly and finally straightened himself.

Shou had to admit that he was looking good. Usually, he’d change into baggy clothes after the live, but tonight he wore a proper button-down shirt. The collar had glitter on it as if Yutaka had tried to capture the Christmas spirit. He hadn’t buttoned the shirt all the way up. Shou wondered, why he was dressed like that. It wasn’t Yutaka’s style at all. It suited him, though. Shou liked the look on him.

“Why are you dressed up like that anyway?”, Shou asked.

“Well, why are you dressed up?”, Yutaka wanted to know. “It’s Christmas, that’s why.”

Shou lowered his eyes and hoped the heat of his face wouldn’t show on his cheeks.

It was true, that usually he would have changed into something more homely as well. He wasn’t dressed up like Yutaka was, but at least he wore jeans that actually fit. It was a look he could wear out to a bar, in case Yutaka was up for drinks.

Shou was dressed like this for the same reason, that he was still waiting up for Yutaka now, although he took ages getting ready and everyone else had already left and Shou was annoyed with him.

Christmas was for lovers.

Of course, Yutaka and him were not lovers. They were not dating, or at least, they hadn’t outright called it that yet.

The last weeks something in their relationship had changed significantly, though. But it was very well possible, that it meant nothing to Yutaka other than killing time until their normal life was able to resume.

Both of them had felt lonely without the fans nor being able to meet friends. And they both got tested for the recordings anyway and during the shootings, they already got close. Yutaka was among the very few people, with whom Shou had been able to meet up without feeling too guilty about it. So, they had hung out at Yutaka’s place sometimes and sometimes at Shou’s place. Sometimes drinking, sometimes playing videogames, sometimes just chatting. It had felt like back in high school, when they used to meet for no other reason but the fact that they enjoyed each other’s company.

And then, one night after one beer too many, it had turned out they both craved more than just company. They craved physical touch, just feeling another human being right there next to them. Shou couldn’t even recall whom of them had initiated the first kiss. It had all felt so natural.

From there on, they had fallen into a routine without quite being able to name the point at which they started kissing on the nights without beer, too. It had been greedy and sloppy and their hands had clawed into fabric and slipped underneath shirts. That was all that had happened so far, though. Neither of them had addressed what it meant.

Shou assumed that it was just loneliness and that they would call it off silently as soon as they found other tasks and other people to keep themselves busy with. It irritated him, though, that they had met up for other things, too. A walk in the park for example. And that they called each other on almost every night they didn’t spend together. At times, it felt as if they were actually dating.

Shou wasn’t sure if that was what he wanted, but he knew that he didn’t want to spend Christmas Eve on his own. More precisely, he wanted to spend it with Yutaka, drinking and chatting and maybe going home together afterwards and finally taking off each other’s clothes for good. The drinking and chatting and laughing and hearing Yutaka’s voice was as important as the undressing in Shou’s mind, which probably meant that he would like to date. There was no point in forcing a decision now, though. They still had time. He didn’t need to put pressure on Yutaka right away. He could just make it casual. If Yutaka was still up for it, they could hang out together after the concert. Just two friends and bandmates, who had been forced to meet up today anyway. They didn’t have to label it as a Christmas date.

“Alright, let’s go”, Yutaka announced and made his way towards the door.

He did not comment on the fact, that Shou had obviously waited up for him and Shou was grateful for that. He didn’t want to explain why he had waited, although Yutaka could probably tell easily.

“Today was fun, wasn’t it?”, Shou said lamely.

He wished he had anything more interesting to say. This way, he couldn’t blame Yutaka, if he would want to call off the whole thing in a couple of months. Shou was probably not the most interesting person, who would like to go out with Yutaka. Certainly not the most handsome, Shou would have betted on that.

“Yes, though of course it would be more fun with the fans right here.”

“Yeah”, Shou agreed. For months now, it felt as if they were just repeating the same sentences over and over again until they became practically separated from their meaning altogether. Although Shou still felt it, it was starting to sound like an empty truism in his ears.

He led the way down the corridor to the front door of the venue. They usually played at bigger halls, but currently they didn’t need to fit a large audience. The place had a backdoor, too, but they hadn’t even opened it today. Carrying the equipment in that way would have been a hassle.

Shou pushed against the door. The corridor had been empty and he assumed the staff would wait for them outside.

The door didn’t open.

Shou stared at it for a moment.

He pushed again. The only result he caused was a rattling sound.

“Let me, stupid”, Yutaka said and reached past him to pull on the doorhandle. The door didn’t move that way either.

“Great job, idiot”, Shou scolded him in return. He was annoyed that Yutaka had obviously thought he was too stupid to open a door.

“Where is everyone?”, Yutaka asked and turned his head now.

“Seems they locked us in”, Shou stated the obvious.

“No way”, Yutaka said.

Shou gritted his teeth.

“Well, someone here took hours to get ready.”

“The good news is that while we are locked in, my hair looks fabulous”, Yutaka chimed.

Angrily Shou stared at the door. He didn’t like the feeling of being locked in. Sure, it was a big space, so there was no need to feel claustrophobic. It helped that Yutaka was here with him, too. He couldn’t shake the anxiety of being caged in completely, though.

“I can’t believe they forgot about the band!”, Shou muttered.

“They took Jun and Kenji at least”, Yutaka said lightly.

He sounded way too cheerful. It pissed Shou off even more.

“They forgot me!”, Shou hissed out, turning towards Yutaka angrily. “You guys could rot somewhere, but they should remember me. I’m the only person that is actually irreplaceable at these lives!”

He glared at Yutaka, fully aware that the stress turned him mean. He used to lash out at his bandmates more often in the early days, when their success still seemed unreal. It wasn’t fair to attack Yutaka just because the locked door made him uncomfortable. Moreover, since his feelings towards him had changed recently. Shou was better at driving people away than at keeping them close.

Yutaka raised his open palms in defence.

“Calm down”, he said and his voice sounded more serious now. “Don’t stress, okay? I’m sure it was an accident and they are waiting for us outside. They probably don’t know someone locked the door. I will call our manager and ask to be let out. It will be alright.”

Shou felt guilty immediately, because Yutaka didn’t lose patience with him. He seemed aware of how much the situation was stressing Shou. He had grown better at handling Shou’s temper over time. Back in the old days, Yutaka would have picked fights whenever Shou acted cranky. That was the reason why Shou didn’t regret not kissing Yutaka sooner. They had both needed to mature in order for it to work at all.

Yutaka got out his smartphone and paced down the corridor to get out of Shou’s direct earshot as he dialled. Shou assumed he was trying not to stress him by giving him the feeling he would take care of everything himself.

It actually did help. Shou felt himself relaxing. Yutaka would talk to their manager. Shou didn’t have to worry about it. He had organized the whole thing today; he was allowed to leave this small task to Yutaka now. And Yutaka was probably right. It must have been a misunderstanding. The staff was most likely waiting for them outside.

Yutaka turned back. His face did not speak of good news.

“Oh no, they forgot us”, Shou concluded, before Yutaka could say anything.

“Yeah, they totally did”, Yutaka confirmed and pulled a face. “The problem is that they don’t have a key. They need to call the owner of the venue, but obviously, he already went home. We might be a while.”

Shou groaned loudly and tilted back his head.

“What did I do to deserve this?”, he complained. “I want to go home already.”

Yutaka gave him a funny look.

Shou realized it was a stupid thing to say after he had obvious waited up for Yutaka. Of course, he hadn’t meant to go home right away. He had hoped to grab casual drinks and maybe a small snack somewhere with Yutaka. But he could hardly say “I want to go out with you already”, because then it would sound like he wanted to go on a Christmas date and he could not say that out loud, because they hadn’t talked about that yet. It was best to just let it stand there like that.

“I don’t know”, Yutaka said vaguely. “It’s kind of romantic, isn’t it? Getting locked in together on Christmas Eve and being forced to spend time together. Could be the plot of a movie.”

“Sure, it’s romantic”, Shou huffed. “If you are a tough career woman, who forgot about the true meaning of Christmas. In our case, it just sucks.”

Again, it was hard to read Yutaka’s expression. He seemed somewhat offended. Shou realized that maybe, he shouldn’t have been that dismissive of the romance aspect of their situation, if he actually wanted Yutaka to like him. It might seem as if he was turning him down.

To soften his reaction, he looked at his phone.

“It’s past 10 pm already after all”, he added. “I really don’t want to hang out here any longer.”

This time, he left it open on purpose, where he wanted to be instead.

“10 pm already?”, Yutaka repeated, suddenly sounding alarmed. He checked his own mobile. “Fuck”, he swore.

“What is it?”, Shou asked. “Got somewhere else to be?” He had meant to sound teasing, but he felt very cold as soon as the words were out.

Yutaka was dressed very nicely. And it was Christmas after all. Shou hadn’t considered it yet, but it wasn’t impossible, that Yutaka actually had a date.

“Well, yeah”, Yutaka admitted. He avoided Shou’s eyes, which didn’t fit in with his usual provoking attitude. He seemed embarrassed. “You remember that new barbecue place that opened close to my apartment? The fancy looking one with the meat specials.”

Shou nodded. He had eyed the menu longingly on their last walk. Shou loved meat.

“I made a reservation at 10:30 pm. If they don’t let us out in time, they’ll surely give away the table.”

“Hm.” Shou tried to create a neutral sound to cover up how hurt he felt.

Of course, they hadn’t agreed on anything definite. It wasn’t as if they were in a relationship, just because they had made out quite a lot during the past weeks. Yutaka had every right to see other people. The fact that he had chosen a restaurant, of which he knew it was a place Shou would have liked to go, made Shou feel betrayed nonetheless.

He hadn’t expected his chest to hurt like this. He was interested in Yutaka, but he hadn’t gotten his hopes up. He had no right to throw a tantrum now.

“So, a Christmas date?”, he assured as offhanded as possible. His voice came out flatly.

Yutaka shrugged. He seemed as uncomfortable as Shou.

“Yes. I mean, I guess”, he admitted.

“Is it serious?”, Shou wanted to know.

He wondered where Yutaka had met someone anyway, when their social contacts were currently so limited.

“Ah.” Yutaka exhaled. It was more than obvious he felt troubled by Shou’s inquiries. Maybe he did feel guilty after all. “I’d say so”, he confessed. “We’ve been dating for several weeks now. And, I mean, it’s Christmas.”

Shou inhaled a little too sharply and turned his face. Several weeks? Several weeks?! So, Yutaka had been seeing someone else the whole time while sneaking around with Shou, exchanging kisses and talking to him on the phone until late at night?

Shou hadn’t assumed they were dating of course. He wasn’t that delusional. He had known all along that for a guy like Yutaka he could be hardly more than a pastime.

He hadn’t thought that Yutaka would have the audacity to go behind someone’s back that openly, though. Even if he had assumed that Shou knew what he had signed up for, it didn’t seem fair to his partner – Shou pictured her as a cute, lively girl, who had no idea that the guy she was dating also got it on with his bandmate occasionally. In his mind, he named her Mariko.

Shou had known that Yutaka was carefree, but he hadn’t thought he would toy with people like this.

“Is that a problem for you?”, Yutaka asked.

Shou shrugged. He didn’t want Yutaka to think that he was pathetic. If Yutaka didn’t care for their arrangement, Shou shouldn’t care either.

“It’s fine”, he said. “If that’s what you want.”

“It is”, Yutaka confirmed.

There was a moment of uncomfortable silence.

Shou realized they would probably have to wait around quite some time. It felt awkward to just stand in the corridor like this.

“Want to …?”, Yutaka started and pointed back to the concert hall.

“Yes, definitely”, Shou confirmed, relieved that Yutaka had taken the decision away from him.

He followed Yutaka back into the venue.

They could have returned to the dressing room as well, sitting down on the chairs there. But Shou was glad Yutaka chose the live room instead. He himself felt drawn back to the stage as well, as if the familiar space could provide him with some sort of comfort.

“It’s smaller without the people, isn’t it?”, he observed, looking around.

Yutaka had switched on the lights overhead, that remained turned off during the live. The spotlights stayed dark, though.

Yutaka climbed onto the stage and looked down onto the audience room.

“You’d expect it to be the other way around, wouldn’t you?”, Shou carried on, not sure if he really expected an answer from Yutaka at all. “That it seems larger when it’s empty. But it’s smaller somehow.”

“It is”, Yutaka confirmed. “Though I think it feels the largest when there are only about five people in the audience. It makes the empty space seem worse for some reason.”

Shou laughed.

He remembered their first gigs at clubs and how deserted the floor had seemed with only a few people listening. Now he could laugh at the memory, but back then, the sight had troubled him immensely.

“Seeing only the cameramen now gives me flashbacks”, Yutaka went on. He didn’t seem quite sure if he was really talking to Shou either. It felt nice, though. It was nice to be allowed to just think out loud with someone.

“For me it’s different”, Shou said and took the stairs up to the stage as well. “I keep imagining everyone at home in front of their screens.”

“You’ve always been more imaginative than me”, Yutaka said. Both of them were looking out onto the empty room. “I can only see what’s right in front of my eyes.”

Shou turned to look at Yutaka.

“Sometimes that’s enough”, he said quietly.

He wished Yutaka could see what was right in front of him right now as well. That he would realize that he didn’t have to rush out to a Christmas date to maybe find love, but that Shou was right here with him and that he might just be enough. Shou had been his friend for so long, and after all those years, he finally felt ready to love him, too. Maybe he wasn’t a fantasy, but he was right here.

Yutaka stretched his arms in front of himself like he sometimes did to loosen the tension from his shoulders after a live. Shou thought that it was nice, that he knew those little habits and understood what they meant.

Yutaka sat down on the pedestal at the centre of the stage. Shou couldn’t help thinking that he indeed looked very handsome tonight. He averted his eyes. When he stared at Yutaka for too long, he wanted to kiss him. Since they had started kissing each other, it had become a lot harder not to think of it constantly in his presence.

“I wish there was something to do to keep us busy”, Shou observed.

He had meant it to come out sharply to remind Yutaka that his company alone was not enough to entertain Shou and that in no way he had romantic feelings for him nor cared with whom he went out for Christmas.

“Yeah, there is only you and me here”, Yutaka said. He dragged out the words in a manner, that was clearly suggestive. “I wonder what kind of activities that leaves us with.”

Shou looked at Yutaka slightly astonished.

Did he really have the nerves to suggest getting physical with Shou, while planning to go on a date with someone else within the same hour? At first, Shou wanted to react offended, but he couldn’t help feeling a little gleeful at the thought as well. He pictured Yutaka sitting at that fancy restaurant with Mariko, his lips still slightly swollen from kissing Shou. It would be something that she couldn’t take away from him, a mark to ensure that Yutaka still thought of Shou even if it was on a date with someone else.

And Shou thought, that just maybe, they wouldn’t be let out of the venue for another hour. That Yutaka had been right and this was the plot of a romantic movie. Maybe being locked in with Shou was the Christmas miracle that was supposed to show Yutaka whom he really wanted to spend Christmas with. This might be Shou’s chance to make Yutaka see what was right in front of him.

“I would have a suggestion”, he announced and walked towards Yutaka.

Yutaka shuffled back on the pedestal, allowing Shou to put his knees on its surface to straddle Yutaka’s lap. He made sure not to put his full weight on Yutaka, though. Yutaka had to look up to him this way.

“Have you ever fantasized about making out on stage?”, Yutaka asked cheekily.

Shou snorted and shook his head. He reached up to push a lock of hair from Yutaka’s forehead.

“Of course not, pervert”, he said.

“It’s hot somehow”, Yutaka said and grinned up to him. “Just picture everyone watching us.”

Shou’s stomach took a small leap and he wasn’t sure, if it was because of Yutaka’s words or because of how low and hoarse his voice sounded right now.

He put his hand on the small of Shou’s back, pulling him closer.

Shou lowered his head, finally allowing their lips to meet. Yutaka returned the kiss immediately. His lips were warm and soft. Shou was crazy about kissing him.

He assumed that it was just part of his personality. Shou was the kind of person, who listened to the same song for days straight after discovering it. If he found a dish he liked, he ate it at least four times a week until he was absolutely sick of it. It always took him some time to find a healthy measure to enjoy the things he liked. Currently, he was obsessed with Yutaka’s lips. His desire for them would surely sink to a reasonable level over time, but right now, Shou just wanted to kiss him for hours every time they met, like a song stuck on repeat.

Yutaka’s hands slid down his body now, both of them coming to rest on Shou’s butt. He squeezed him playfully and Shou sighed into their kiss. His lips were starting to tingle like your hands in winter when you finally entered a warm room. They felt numb and very alive both at once.

His hands were resting on Yutaka’s shoulders. He could sense the heat of his body against his palms.

It seemed surreal that they were actually kissing this greedily with Yutaka about to head out to another date. It was as if neither of them had any sense of shame. Shou enjoyed the sensation too much to seriously bother right now, though.

He slid his hands down a bit further, so his palms were resting against Yutaka’s chest. His thumb was brushing against Yutaka’s neck right above the collar of his shirt and the sensation sent a warm shudder down Shou’s spine. Even the slightest touch with Yutaka’s skin made him feel electricized.

He wished he could just take off Yutaka’s shirt completely. He wanted to tumble down on top of him, their naked bodies pressed against each other. Yutaka’s hands were still on his butt.

For a brief moment, Shou wondered, if Yutaka would cancel his date, if Shou offered him to go all the way tonight. But then, he’d feel miserable, asking Yutaka to fuck him only to not loose against Mariko. It wasn’t that he didn’t desire Yutaka. But he didn’t want to rush things just to take part in a competition he couldn’t win anyway. If Yutaka had wanted to be with him tonight, he wouldn’t have set up another date.

Still, Shou couldn’t keep himself from hoping anyway.

He kissed his way from the corner of Yutaka’s mouth across his cheek until he reached his ear.

“We could continue this at my place”, he whispered. “They probably won’t let us out in time anyway. Let’s go home right away. Skip the date.”

He managed to keep his voice from sounding like he was begging, although he was. Luckily, he sounded hoarse enough to cover the despair in his tone. He was scared to death that Yutaka would decline.

“It’s bothering you”, Yutaka observed, his voice irritatingly clear.

Shou had hoped that in the worst case, Yutaka would brush off the suggestion with a quiet laugh and pretend that Shou had been joking. But instead, Yutaka reached up to push Shou away from himself to meet his eyes.

“The date”, he clarified.

Shou looked away, but sitting on Yutaka’s lap, there wasn’t much else to look at but his face.

“A little”, he admitted. “But it’s fine.”

“If it’s bothering you, I’ll cancel the reservation”, Yutaka offered.

Shou looked up in surprise. He hadn’t expected Yutaka to take it this far.

“Really?”, he assured in disbelieve.

Yutaka shrugged. He didn’t look exactly happy.

“You are my friend, Shou”, he said seriously. “And even more importantly, you are my bandmate. I don’t want to risk what we have. So, most of all, I want you to be comfortable.”

Shou bit his lip. It did feel sore. He had kissed Yutaka for several minutes without interruption.

He wanted to be happy, that Yutaka was willing to put Shou’s wellbeing above anything else. But it only made him feel guilty. Yutaka was scared of breaking up the band. Shou didn’t want to feel like he was blackmailing Yutaka – dating Mariko or his career.

“It’s alright”, he said weakly.

“Are you sure?”, Yutaka wanted to know.

Shou nodded seriously, although it was almost killing him. He wanted Yutaka to be happy. Even if that meant spending Christmas on his own, and every other day to come.

“Okay”, Yutaka said quietly and leaned in to kiss Shou again.

Shou turned his head to avoid his lips.

“I think it’s better if we stop here”, he said flatly and awkwardly climbed off Yutaka’s lap.

He wanted to keep kissing him, he wanted to do so badly. But if Yutaka really liked Mariko, he should give it an honest try with her. If Shou was already giving up on him, Yutaka should be serious about this. He shouldn’t kiss Shou behind her back.

Shou walked up and down the stage to calm himself. He always started pacing when he was stressed.

Yutaka had gotten up as well as if he considered going after Shou, but then he just remained standing in place. He did seem awkward, as if he couldn’t remember why he had gotten up in the first place.

For a moment, both of them were silent.

“Did I ruin it?”, Yutaka finally asked. “This thing between us?”

Shou looked up. They were standing apart now, but he could hear how sad Yutaka sounded.

“I don’t know”, Shou said and lowered his gaze again.

He had assumed that Yutaka was the one, who wanted to break it off. When he was seeing other people – seriously seeing them, for weeks and taking them on Christmas dates – then there wasn’t much of a thing to ruin in the first place.

“Shou”, Yutaka said. He sounded pleading. “I don’t know what to do, when you close down on me like that. You need to talk to me, so I can do the right thing. Please, just tell me how you feel.”

Shou licked his lips. They still felt weird, as if they weren’t really part of his body. It felt as if they belonged to Yutaka as much as to himself.

“Okay, so”, he started. Yutaka was right. Shou couldn’t expect him to guess at his feelings. He had to be honest, even if he didn’t like it. “I didn’t think we were dating.”

“I figured”, Yutaka confirmed dryly.

Shou shook his head, annoyed that Yutaka had interrupted him, although it was him, who had paused midsentence.

“I just want to clarify, that I understand that”, Shou picked up again. “I know I have no right to be mad at you, since we didn’t agree on anything. I knew from the beginning, that someone like me wouldn’t be able to hold someone like you. But I think we got along well and I thought, I don’t know, I thought you respected me.”

He paused again.

“You lost me”, Yutaka said. “Of course, I respect you.”

“I’m just saying that it hurts to know you’ve been seeing someone else this whole time we’ve been together. It’s not like I was expecting us to go on a Christmas date or anything. But I think kissing me to kill time while we are waiting for someone to unlock the door and then going off on a date with someone else is not fair to me nor to your date.”

Shou inhaled deeply, glad that the words were out now. He felt like he hadn’t done so badly. Of course, he had secretly hoped for a Christmas date, but Yutaka didn’t need to know that. Shou thought he had brought across his point, though, making it sound like it was more about the general immaturity of Yutaka’s behaviour than about his hurt feelings.

Yutaka stared at him blankly.

“Wait”, he said. “Hold on.”

Shou waited. Yutaka seemed to need a moment to sort out his thoughts.

“So, you are mad at me for two-timing?”, he then assured.

Shou crossed the arms in front of his chest defensively.

“Well, I don’t know what you’ve told the other person, but if you’re seriously dating them, you’ve technically been cheating”, he pointed out.

Yutaka took a step towards him. He was trying to hide a smirk, but he did so poorly. Shou could tell that he was enjoying himself. He seemed to be happy that Shou was so openly jealous now, even if he tried to act outraged on Mariko’s behalf. Yutaka being this smug pissed Shou off even more. He seemingly cared for neither of them. Mariko and Shou both deserved better.

“Oh yes, the dating has been quite serious”, Yutaka confirmed. He sounded mocking, although Shou didn’t understand what was supposed to be funny about that. “In fact, I would already call it a relationship. So, yeah, I have a boyfriend. And I was meaning to take him out on a Christmas date tonight after our show.”

“A boyfriend”, Shou repeated numbly.

Somehow, that was worse than a girlfriend. A cute girl with whom you could be seen in public was something Shou could get behind. But another man made the rejection even more painful. It made Shou wonder, why he wasn’t good enough to take his place.

“Yeah”, Yutaka said and took another step towards Shou. He was pretty close again by now. Another step and he would be close enough for kissing again. But even Yutaka wouldn’t have that kind of nerve after what he had just told Shou. “I’m pretty crazy about him. Although, honestly, sometimes I think he is the dumbest person alive.”

“What?”, Shou asked.

Somehow, that was not what he had expected. Yutaka wouldn’t talk that badly about his boyfriend, would he? He usually only took that teasingly insulting tone with Shou.

“God, you are so slow”, Yutaka said. He sounded affectionate. Shou felt like he was missing out on something important right now.

Yutaka took another step forward and reached up to touch Shou’s cheek. Shou wanted to back off, but he felt so confused, he just stood frozen in place.

“This whole time, I was talking about …”

“Kiriyuuin Shou? Kyan Yutaka? Are you in here?”, someone shouted.

Shou took a step backwards instinctively. He didn’t want to get caught with Yutaka in a suggestive position like this. They didn’t need rumours to spread.

“We’re here”, he called out and a man stepped into the live room. Shou had seen him around earlier, although he didn’t belong to their staff as far as he recalled. Probably the owner of the venue coming to rescue them.

“Sorry for locking you in”, the man said. “The door is open now.”

He turned around again, making it more than obvious that he had no intention of waiting for them much longer. They had called him back on his way home already after all.

Yutaka turned to go after him.

Shou remained standing on stage. His brain was still trying to puzzle together the missing pieces of information. What had Yutaka been talking about? What had he wanted to tell Shou?

Yutaka looked over his shoulder to check on him.

When he found him still standing in place, he rolled his eyes and walked back towards him.

“Come on now, hurry. Don’t just stand there!”

Without warning he took hold of Shou’s hand to drag him along. Shou started walking and only when it became clear that Yutaka had no intention of letting go of his hand, did he realize that they wouldn’t have needed a Christmas miracle after all.

„Oi, waiter! Another round of fries!”, shouted the annoying man two tables down from where Kenji was seated.

Kenji lowered his eyes to stare into the coffee he was holding.

They were at a McDonalds. There were no waiters.

Usually, Kenji did not frequent chain restaurants like these. The smell of frying oil turned his stomach. But it had been surprisingly cold outside today and as a light drizzle had interrupted Kenji’s training run, he had decided to warm himself up and wait until he could at least feel his hands again. The coffee was decent here, although he kept away from the food.

The annoying stranger did not seem to share Kenji’s idea of a healthy diet, though. The table plate in front of him was piled with strewn fries, smeared with ketchup and covered beneath an astonishing number of cardboard boxes. Each of the boxes contained a burger. All of the burgers had been bit into, but none of them had been finished. Just looking at the mess, you had to feel sorry for the employees, who would have to clean up after this guy. Kenji could not understand, how anyone could be this rude and annoying – moreover in public. Everyone avoided looking at the man directly, scared to make eye-contact and become addressee of his next outburst.

“And ice cream! Waiter, I want ice cream, too!”, the man shouted and got up. He waved with his arms so violently, he knocked over the plastic cup of the woman sitting at the table next to him. Coca-Cola spilled out all over her table and dripped to the floor.

Kenji felt torn. He wanted to get up and collect paper tissues from the counter to help the poor woman clean up, but he couldn’t shake the fear of turning into the man’s next victim. Kenji was tall and muscular and there weren’t a lot of things that could scare him. He dreaded social interactions, though. Kenji wasn’t exactly shy nor introverted, but he always felt a little slow to catch on. He was afraid, the man would start mocking him and he wouldn’t know how to react and both of them would be in the focus of attention and everyone would be able to see, that Kenji was nothing but a big, strong idiot, unable to even articulate himself properly. He wanted to be the kind of person, who helped others and became strong enough to protect them, but he knew that he never would. He wasn’t a hero. For him, it was difficult to be a decent person most of the time.

“That’s enough now!”, a stern voice announced.

At first Kenji felt slight jealousy. Finally, someone spoke up. Someone was about to put the annoying guy into his place. The voice had radiated authority and Kenji was sure, that this was a person, who managed to be more than just decent. Kenji wished it would have been him sounding like that.

Hesitantly, he looked up, still scared to get dragged into a fight he wouldn’t be able to handle.

It was pretty easy to identify the speaker. He had set himself up right in front of the annoying guy’s table and did his best to look intimidating. Kenji was astonished to realize how well he managed, although the size of his body wasn’t really made to intimidate anyone. His head was moreover so giant, that it made the rest of his body look frail and his hunched posture was not helping any. He wore a mask.

The mask was beige and it covered his entire face. Moreover, it was shaped like a slice of toast.

The mask had holes for the eyes and the mouth. It looked like a slice of toast with small eyes and a giant mouth filled with very noticeable teeth. It would have been a scary sight, if the mask hadn’t looked so cheap. Obviously, it had been cut out of paper. Kenji could see the elastic bands holding it in place. The stranger was dressed all in beige, too.

“Breadman!”, the annoying man shouted. “So, we meet again!”

Kenji sucked in his breath at the sudden turn of events, but got distracted from his initial shock fast.

Next to Breadman stood another man and he was quite the sight to see. It wasn’t his purple hair that caught Kenji’s attention, though, nor the horse emblem printed on the chest of his black spandex suit. It was the spandex suit itself, that drew in Kenji’s eyes, or rather what was underneath that spandex suit. The black material fit so tightly, it did nothing to hide the man’s wide shoulders, his flat stomach or – more importantly – the outline of his truly massive dick. Kenji’s stared at the stranger’s crotch and tried to hide how flustered the sight made him feel.

“You have crossed the line, Yutaka!”, Breadman declared theatrically. “You have annoyed people all over the city, but now you have walked into my secret base to annoy people even in here. I cannot tolerate this.”

“What are you going to do about it?”, the annoying man asked. “Are you and Donkey-Boy going to fight me?”

“It’s Horseman!”, the handsome man corrected him. His tongue seemed to stumble over the word and it came out with a lisp.

“I will arrest you”, Breadman replied and pulled a gun from his belt.

Everyone at the restaurant was staring at them. As soon as the weapon was pulled out, the audience backed off visibly, shuffling further away while remaining on their seats as if that could save them from unwelcome attention.

Kenji felt his heartbeat quicken. This was a serious confrontation. Someone might get hurt. He should probably step in, but he just couldn’t find the courage for it. If it had been about catching a bullet, he would have been fine with it, but he was scared to get involved in the conversation. He didn’t even know what was going on between those men.

He had to admit, though, that the gun did not look exactly frightening. It didn’t look like a weapon from the movies, that could actually kill someone. It looked as if someone had bought a very cheap water pistol and used it as a base to create a futuristic looking weapon with the help of cardboard and package tape.

Breadman pulled the trigger.

Kenji held his breath.

The frontal part of the gun fell off. Nothing else happened. Breadman remained standing, still pointing the gun at the annoying guy.

His opponent started laughing. It was a deep laughter, that didn’t sound exactly gleeful. It almost sounded good-natured.

“Jamming without my help, is it?”, he teased. “Well, if that isn’t a metaphor for something.”

“You bastard!”, Breadman hissed and threw the gun to the floor. Then he lunged himself forward, obviously to start a physical fight, but his handsome companion stopped him just in time, holding him back, before he could punch the other man.

The annoying guy laughed some more and calmly straightened his shirt. It had ketchup stains all over the front.

“Fine, I’ll leave”, he said. “I think you’ve embarrassed yourself enough for today.”

With provoking ease, he walked past his opposers. Breadman struggled against his friend’s grip as if he wanted to go after him, but he was held back.

As soon as the electronic door closed behind the annoying man, the tumult started.

Everywhere people were getting up, seemingly trying to get out before something could cause the situation to escalate again.

Kenji took his chance. He felt bad for the employees, who would have to clean up later, if the soft drink stuck to the floor and people walked through it, leaving traces all across the store.

He grabbed a handful of paper tissues and went over to wipe up the drink that the annoying man had spilled before the confrontation. Since many people were bustling around collecting their stuff, no one was paying attention to Kenji. He could finally do his good deed without risking to be noticed by anyone.

Not even Breadman and his companion, who were standing close by and argued heatedly, paid any attention to Kenji. He felt thankful for that, because he knew they were out of his league in many ways. They looked interesting and they were clearly on a mission and they stood up for what was right. Kenji was just trying to make it through each day as quietly as possible.

“I say we need to go after him right away”, Breadman said.

“We need a plan first”, the other one replied. He was lisping indeed. Kenji dared to cast a quick glance at him. Kneeling on the floor, he really had a great view on what the black spandex suit was exposing.

“He might be annoying someone else right now”, Breadman insisted.

“But we won’t be able to stop him, if we don’t know how we’re going to do it.”

Kenji looked up at their faces now, hoping to cast a look under Breadman’s mask to reveal his secret identity.

His eyes met with those of the handsome man. Hastily, Kenji lowered his head again, but it was too late. He had done the thing he was not supposed to do – he had drawn attention.

“Hey, you”, the man said, but his voice sounded friendly. “Why are you cleaning this up? You don’t work here.”

Awkwardly, Kenji got up from the floor. He was suddenly very aware of his body. He had to look down on the two dressed-up men.

“I …”, he stuttered and cursed himself for not finding the right words. That was exactly what he had wanted to avoid. “I just wanted to help”, he said. “It would be more bothersome to clean up, once everyone walked through here.”

Breadman and the guy in the spandex suit exchanged a long look.

“Why don’t you sit with us for a moment?”, Breadman suggested and pointed to the messy table the annoying man had left behind in chaos.

Kenji felt nervous, that those impressive guys wanted to talk to him. They had stood up for everyone at the restaurant to protect them from the annoyance of that guy. They were the kind of people, that Kenji only dreamt of being.

Shyly he sat down opposite to them.

“Who are you?”, he asked.

The handsome man smiled at him.

“I’m Horseman”, he said. “This is my friend Breadman. We’re superheroes. But you can call me Jun.”

Kenji gasped soundly. He had always wished to meet real superheroes someday. Of course, their costumes indicated that much, but Kenji still thought, that saying it out loud like that made it sound a lot cooler even.

Breadman took off his mask. Kenji was surprised he did so in public, but no one was looking at them anymore anyway.

Underneath the mask, Breadman was handsome, too. He had a large, expressive face. Kenji thought he looked cuter as a human than he did as a toast. Somehow, his face seemed familiar.

“I’ve seen you before”, he observed.

“Kiryuuin Shou”, Breadman introduced himself. “You might have seen me on TV before.”

“Of course!”, Kenji exclaimed as he recognized the famous musician. “You are a celebrity. So excited to meet you, Mr. Kiryuuin!” He wasn’t able to conceal his excitement at all. He felt slightly embarrassed for it, hoping he wouldn’t get on their nerves.

“Call me Shou, please”, Breadman said.

Kenji couldn’t believe he was on first name basis with two superheroes now, moreover when one of them was this famous. He realized he hadn’t even stated his own name yet.

“I’m Kenji”, he introduced himself. “I’m just a regular guy, though.”

Jun shook his head.

“Cleaning up here, although you didn’t have to was very nice of you, Kenji. That’s the kind of thing heroes do. You might not be a superhero, but you clearly belong with us.”

“I would never have dared to confront the guy like that”, Kenji admitted in a quiet voice. “Who was he?”

Shou’s expression darkened. The atmosphere suddenly felt heavy.

“That was Kyan Yutaka The Annoying”, he explained gravely. “He is my nemesis.”

“So, you have a past?”, Kenji assured.

Shou nodded with great seriousness.

“When my music career succeeded and the karaoke royalties came in, I did not only find myself famous, but also rich. Suddenly, I was a millionaire and I decided I wanted to give back to the world, that had given me so much.”

“So, you donated to charity and used your money to create an infrastructure that would enable equal opportunities for everyone?”, Kenji asked impressed.

Shou furrowed his brow.

“No, I decided to become a mysterious avenger and fight crime at night with my bare hands.”

Kenji nodded.

“That makes sense”, he agreed.

“Yutaka used to be my …” Shou hesitated. “Partner. We built all my equipment together out of cardboard. His weapons never failed like this. He was a true craftsman.”

With a sad expression Shou nodded over to his damaged gun.

“Why didn’t you just buy proper equipment?”, Kenji asked. “I thought you are a millionaire.”

Shou looked at him sternly.

“That doesn’t mean I like wasting money on things I can build myself.”

“He is too cheap”, Jun chimed in cheerfully.

“However, me and Yutaka had creative differences. We had a falling out. To get back at me, he became a villain. Now, he haunts Tokyo city as The Annoying.”

“Does he hurt people? Has he killed anyone?”, Kenji wanted to know.

Shou shook his head.

“No”, he said. “But wherever he goes, he causes slight discomfort and minor inconvenience to the people around him. He needs to be stopped. I asked my friend Horseman for help, but so far, we haven’t been able to defeat him yet.”

He sighed.

“If there is anything, I can do to help …”, Kenji offered, feeling helpless. He wanted to help, but if two capable superheroes like them hadn’t been able to stop The Annoying, he didn’t know what an ordinary guy like him would be able to achieve.

Almost listlessly Shou picked up one of the half-eaten burgers The Annoying had left behind and bit into it heartily.

Jun pulled a face.

“Shou, don’t eat that.”

Shou waved him off while continuing to eat the burger. Kenji restrained himself from pointing out how bad the junk food was for his body.

Instead, he turned to Jun. He couldn’t quite hide the fact that he was a bit too curious about his life story. Or other personal details, like the fact if he was single or not.

“And what’s your origin story?”, he asked.

“I became a superhero by accident”, Jun said. “I’m not rich like Shou, so it’s not the money that qualified me. It’s what happened to me. You see, our university class was doing a field trip to those laboratories where they did experiments on animals and … I got kicked in the crotch by a radioactive horse.”

Kenji winced.

Shou did so too, but the sound was muffled by the burger he was eating.

“Soon enough, I started to notice physical changes in my body”, Jun carried on.

“Oh, that’s why your face is like …?” Kenji pointed to his own face.

Jun shook his head.

“Oh no, my face looked like that before. It was something else that started to change, right where the horse had kicked me. At first, I thought it was just a swelling, but it kept lasting. I realized that the change was going to be permanent and I told myself: Jun, with a great dick comes great responsibility. So, I decided to become a superhero to share my gift with the world.”

“Did you gain other powers, too?”, Kenji wanted to know and tried to think of any good qualities which horses possessed. “Like … super strength?”

“Aah, no”, Jun admitted, looking slightly embarrassed. “Not gifts like that. But I figured it would be a waste for me to not wear tight spandex suits on a regular basis.”

“He’s right though”, Shou chimed in with a full mouth. “It would be a shame, if the world didn’t get to see that dick.”

Kenji blushed ever so slightly. Shou admitted to enjoying the sight quite easily. Did that mean he and Jun were …?

“So, that’s why you call yourself Horseman”, Kenji observed. “But why Breadman?” He looked at Shou.

Shou shrugged. He was done with the burger now.

“I became a superhero to make the world a better place and what makes it so awful to begin with are all those people driven by hate. But you know how they say. To conquer hate, you need to become love. And I really love bread.”

“No one says that, Shou”, Jun scolded him.

“They should say it, though”, Shou said and pointed a fry at Jun. Kenji could imagine him and The Annoying as former co-workers all too well. At least, they shared the same appetite.

“That’s true”, Jun agreed. “The world needs to make more love.”

He looked at Kenji while he said that. Kenji blushed harder. He wondered, if Jun had caught him staring at his crotch earlier.

“What are you going to do to stop him? The Annoying?”, he changed the topic hastily.

“I say we go after him right away”, Shou said. “We need to break his reign of terror.”

Jun looked at him thoughtfully.

“Alright”, he agreed. “We go after him right away. Do you know where to find him?”

“Really?” Shou seemed surprised, that Jun had changed his mind so easily.

“Yes”, Jun confirmed.

“Well, of course I can find him. I’ll track him down now”, Shou said and got up.

“I’ll be right with you”, Jun said and Shou left the restaurant.

“How will he track him down?”, Kenji asked breathlessly. “Does he have an expensive tracking device?”

“No, no”, Jun said. “He’s going to call him and ask.”

“Hm”, Kenji said, surprised that a true villain would share his location with the enemy so easily.

“You know”, Jun said and leaned forward, lowering his voice as if to entrust Kenji with a well-kept secret. “Shou and Yutaka, they were partners alright, if you know what I mean.”

Kenji’s eyes widened.

“You mean …?”

Jun nodded.

“They did a little more than just cardboard art together. But then Yutaka couldn’t handle it anymore. He felt like what they were doing was wrong, that two men shouldn’t be with each other like that. He told Shou he was straight and broke it off. They ended it in a big fight and then Yutaka became The Annoying. If you ask me, he is just trying to get Shou’s attention with it. Like showing up here today, although he knows Shou uses the restaurant as his secret base. He obviously still has feelings for him and I know Shou does, too. If only we could make Yutaka come to terms with his sexuality, I’m sure he would stop his evil doings and go back to building cardboard guns with Shou.”

Kenji pressed a hand to his chest. It was such a painful and dramatic story. And it meant that Shou liked guys, so maybe Jun did, too. And Shou obviously wasn’t Kenji’s rival in this. Maybe …

Kenji tried to refocus on the actual conversation.

“That is horrible”, he stated. “Poor Shou, he must have been heartbroken. What can we do to make Yutaka realize how he truly feels?”

“Well.” Jun leaned back on his seat. “If you are willing to help us, I might have a plan.”

Kenji nodded eagerly.

“I’ll do everything I can to help.”

Jun granted him with a genuine smile.

When Kenji heard about the plan, he realized that it would indeed not be a problem for him at all. Maybe he was just an ordinary guy and no superhero, but there was one thing he felt confident in.

They got up from their chairs and left the restaurant. Shou was waiting for them outside.

“He is in a park nearby and agreed to meet us there. You’re joining us, Kenji?”

Kenji nodded. Jun had insisted not to tell Shou about the plan. He wouldn’t agree with it. He felt like he needed to defeat Yutaka.

“Thank you for your support”, Shou said as they started walking. Obviously, Shou didn’t own a Breadmobil. Maybe it would have been too expensive.

“Don’t show any weakness”, Shou reminded them. “We’ll fight him, whatever it takes. Always remember: You either die roasting the villain or live long enough to become toast yourself.”

Kenji threw a questioning glance at Jun.

Jun shrugged.

Shou put his mask back on, although their opponent knew his face quite well already of course.

Together, they entered the park. Kenji was excited, that he would actually take part in a real fight among superheroes. Maybe, he would even be able to end it.

Yutaka The Annoying was standing by the pond feeding the ducks, although there was a large sign asking you not to. He really stopped at nothing.

“Yutaka!”, Shou shouted.

Yutaka turned around.

“Did you come up with a plan, while sitting at the restaurant, longingly staring at the food? I ordered only your favourite burgers and then bit into all of them!”

“I ate them anyway!”, Shou shouted back.

Yutaka laughed.

For a moment, Kenji could clearly see how much they still cared for each other.

“Kenji, now!”, Jun called out.

With fluent motions Kenji stripped off his training clothes. He tossed them aside until he was standing in the park completely naked, not caring who was able to see him. He was proud of his nudity.

He turned around, presenting his ass to Yutaka.

Kenji heard him gasp, but resisted the urge to turn around to look at him.

“That ass!”, Yutaka exclaimed. “What is this feeling? What are you doing to me? Get dressed again!”

Kenji wiggled his ass seductively.

“It’s shaped so perfectly!”, Yutaka went on and his voice turned whiny. “I can not control the arousal it causes me. Looking at such a fine ass, I can no longer deny it: I am gay!”

“Then come back to me”, Shou begged. “Be my partner again. Drop the villain act.”

“Would you still take me back?”, Yutaka assured.

Kenji did not dare to turn around yet. He did not want to risk disturbing their romantic reunion.

“Yes, because I love you!”, Shou said.

“How could I believe you, after everything I’ve done? I’ve hurt you. And I’ve caused so many people slight discomfort and minor inconveniences. How can I believe you, when you claim you love me?”

“I’m standing here”, Shou declared. “Between a man with a perfect ass and a man with a giant dick. But still, you’re the one I want to fuck. Isn’t that enough proof for you?”

“Oh, Shou!”, Yutaka exclaimed.

“Yutaka!”

Slowly Kenji turned around.

Shou and Yutaka were standing next to the pond with their arms wrapped around each other, making out fiercely.

“I promise”, Yutaka gasped between kisses, his fingers running through Shou’s hair. The bread mask had dropped to the ground. “From now on, I’ll annoy no one but you.”

Kenji’s chest felt very warm inside, although he started to grow a little cold otherwise.

“You did it!”, Jun shouted happily and beamed at him in a way, that warmed Kenji up immediately.

Yes, he had done it! He had defeated the villain!

Kenji had always thought, that he was not qualified to be a hero. That he wasn’t smart enough, not self-confident enough, not talented enough in any special area. He had thought he was one of the ordinary guys, who already struggled to just do their small part to make the world a better place.

But in the end, it wasn’t always superheroes saving the day. You had to start somewhere and sometimes an ordinary guy practicing a bit of kindness and bringing a little more love into the world was enough to conquer the hate. You didn’t need a fancy costume nor a giant dick nor to be a millionaire to make a change.

„I’ll get some snacks!“, Yutaka shouted as soon as the car pulled to an halt.

Jun got out on his side of the backseat. He stretched his arms, trying to relax after the long ride. Neither of them was a morning person and they had left Tokyo well past noon. By now, it wasn’t quite dark yet, but twilight had already set in. The streetlights across the parking lot were illuminating their surroundings.

They would arrive at the hotel shortly, but luckily Shou had insisted on a toilet break and Yutaka had whined about his low blood pressure and needing something to eat urgently. Of course, they had stopped only an hour ago for an early dinner, but that certainly didn’t inflict Yutaka’s appetite.

Jun was relieved about the last stop. When he had called the hotel from the restaurant, no one had picked up. The change would come at a short notice now, but at least there was still hope it would be possible to alter their reservation.

“I’m going to look for the toilets”, Shou announced. Yutaka had already dashed across the parking lot and vanished inside the nearest store.

“I’ll check out the store”, Kenji said and looked over at Jun, who shook his head.

“I just want to catch some fresh air”, he lied. It was too warm to spend time outside actually, but he needed an excuse to be left alone. He thought of the air conditioning inside the store and almost grew weak. Although the sun was nearly gone, the air still felt stifling. But he couldn’t give in, even if the chances he’d get through to the hotel this time were low. It was his duty to try. Someone had to. And no one was in a better position than him.

Kenji shrugged and Jun looked after him and Shou taking off, before he got out his phone.

The thing was, that Jun was Kiryuuin Shou’s biggest fan.

He had been from the very first moment he had seen him on stage. He was funny and charismatic and creative and talented and he deserved the world. Jun knew that his admiration seemed more appropriate for a fanboy than for a bandmate. But he didn’t really work with Shou on the music or even the stage programs. Just like the fans, he got confronted with the finished product. And the product always made him marvel at Shou’s wit and genius. Jun wasn’t ashamed to refer to himself as a fanboy, even if he tried to limit his outbursts in Shou’s presence, not to make his bandleader uncomfortable. But as his fanboy, Jun wanted nothing but to see Shou happy. He would do anything to provide him with the happiness he deserved.

Unfortunately, Shou seemed blind to what would make him happy. After all those years, he was still oblivious. But Jun knew. He knew better than Shou what Shou needed and he would make sure he got it in the end.

Jun would make sure, that Kiryuuin Shou noticed his love for Kyan Yutaka, and if it was the last thing he did.

Funnily enough, Yutaka didn’t seem to have noticed, either, that his perfect partner was right in front of him. They treated each other like friends. They were oblivious to the amazing couple they could be.

But even if Shou and Yutaka couldn’t see it yet, Jun had noticed. He had noticed all the small touches, the affectionate gestures, the looks they exchanged. They were meant to be. Jun lived of those little moments, their playful fights, the screenshots the fans posted. They made him trust in the fact that love was real.

He dialled the number of the hotel they were supposed to stay at before the shooting tomorrow.

From Tokyo it was quite a long trip and Kenji had driven all the way so far. Jun had tried to secure the passenger seat for himself - to enable Shou and Yutaka to spend more time together on the backseat, where it was a little more private and their hands could brush against each other accidently, or where on of them could watch the other in secret, while he dozed off. Unfortunately, Shou had won the game of rock, paper, scissor, though, and it was Jun, who had ended up on the backseat with Yutaka. He had been sulking for the entire ride.

Jun pressed the phone to his ear. The screen had heat up and felt uncomfortably warm against his cheek. His shirt was sticking to his back with sweat, too.

It took a while for someone to pick up, but finally the voice of a woman greeted him.

“Hello?”, she asked.

Jun cleared his throat, suddenly nervous. He looked around the parking lot to make sure no one was in earshot. It wasn’t the first time he pulled tricks like this, but he always felt like a criminal. Shou would get mad, if he knew.

“Hello, I’m from Golden Bomber”, he said. “The band that will stay at your hotel tonight. Our staff booked two rooms for us.”

He waited a moment for the woman to check their reservation on her computer.

“Is there a problem with the booking? Would you like to cancel?”, she asked.

“No, no.” Jun spoke hastily now, worried the others might come back, before he had made all the necessary arrangements. “I was just wondering, if we could arrange a change of rooms?”

“I need your booking code for that”, the woman said apologetic. “To confirm your authorization.”

“Sure”, Jun mumbled and quoted the booking code from memory. He had read the confirmation mail their staff had forwarded to them over and over again, until he knew it by heart.

“Great”, the woman announced. “You have booked two rooms with twin beds. Would you like separate rooms? I need to check our capacities for that.”

“No.” Jun cleared his throat again. “You see, this is a little embarrassing. But I would like to change one of the rooms to a regular double bed.”

“That is no problem”, the woman said, still friendly and very professional.

“And, uhm, if I could ask you to be, you know, a little private about it?”, Jun asked. “Me and my bandmate are, you see, kind of an item. But our colleagues don’t know about it. So, it would be good, if it looked like a booking mistake. Like, oops, we only have one twin bed room left. Two of you will have to share a bed. No single rooms available. Would that be possible?”

Although the woman could not see him, Jun felt himself blushing. He felt embarrassed at the thought she might assume he was in a secret relationship with one of the other guys. To Jun, that thought was ridiculous and absurd of course. But she might buy into it. He had figured he’d have to tell this little lie, though, for the greater cause. Shou and Yutaka would thank him later, in a few years, during their anniversary celebration.

“That is no problem at all”, the woman confirmed. “We are here to be of service.”

“Thank you”, Jun said. “We should arrive in about thirty minutes.”

“We are looking forward to your stay”, the woman said.

They exchanged their goodbyes and Jun hung up with a sigh of relief. He hadn’t actually expected it to work out this smoothly. But he had done it. He had done his part to make the world a slightly better place, in which Shou and Yutaka would love each other.

“You called the hotel”, a voice behind him announced.

Jun flinched hard, but relaxed immediately when he turned around and found Kenji standing behind him.

“You are scheming something again, aren’t you?”

Jun smiled slyly.

“I changed our reservation, so Shou and Yutaka will have to share a bed”, he declared proudly.

Kenji sighed and shook his head slightly. The heat didn’t really seem to bother him. While Jun felt awkward and sweaty, Kenji looked like he was modelling for a calendar shooting right now. Relaxed and handsome and in very good shape.

“They will be so mad, if they find out”, he said. “You should really just leave them alone. You can’t force something like that.”

Jun crossed the arms in front of his chest.

“I’m not forcing it”, he said. “I’m helping the natural course of things along.”

Kenji shook his head again.

“I don’t understand, why you want them to be together so badly. They obviously don’t care for each other romantically.”

Jun wiped his forehead absentmindedly. He considered running up to the shop as well to get himself something cold to drink. But then, Shou and Yutaka would probably be back shortly and he didn’t want to delay their trip.

“You don’t understand”, he claimed. He had always been very open with Kenji about his feelings for Shou and Yutaka. Kenji had never shared his enthusiasm, though. He did not seem to believe in their love as much as Jun did.

“They would make each other happy, if they just realized, what is right in front of them. Yutaka is actually very caring of Shou, Shou just doesn’t see it.”

Jun pulled on his shirt, hoping to prevent it from clinging to his chest even more. It was just too hot.

To his surprise, Kenji held out a full water bottle to him. It hadn’t been opened yet and the condensed water on the outside indicated that it had only just left the fridge. It would be cool and refreshing.

“Here”, Kenji said. “When you wanted to stay behind, I figured it was something stupid like that, and not that you didn’t want anything. I thought you’d like a cool drink, so I brought a bottle of water for you.”

Jun took the bottle gratefully and unscrewed the lid. That was typical of Kenji. He was very thoughtful. He also knew that Jun despised the sweet, artificial drinks, that Yutaka and Shou would have chosen.

Greedily Jun drank. The water was so cold, it hurt while he swallowed. He breathed out with relief.

“Thanks”, he announced and put the lid back onto the bottle. “Anyway, what Yutaka and Shou share is really special. Yutaka has always supported Shou, even if he thought some of his ideas were very stupid. To believe so fully in someone and wanting to see them happy even if you disagree – that’s love.”

“I disagree, but whatever you say”, Kenji said and smirked. He had a handsome smirk, too.

Jun turned the water bottle between his hands. His palms were wet from the condensation.

He wished Kenji would understand how much this meant to him.

“Ah, seems they are back”, Kenji observed and nodded across the parking lot.

Jun turned his head and felt something in his chest tightening. There they were, coming out of the grocery store together. After shopping together. Like a couple.

“Hey, Kenji”, Shou called out. “I can drive the last bit, if you are tired. It might be stressful to find the hotel and you drove for quite a while already. Unless you want to.”

“No, that would be great, I could need a break”, Kenji said and tossed the keys at Shou, who had gotten quite close by now.

Shou missed the keys and they hit the ground. He had to bent over and pick them up from the dirty pavement. He did so gingerly. It looked pretty awkward.

“Idiot”, Yutaka scolded him. He took a hearty bite out of an energy bar. The corner of his mouth was already smeared with chocolate. “How can anyone be that clumsy?”

“At least I can eat with dignity”, Shou replied and shot Yutaka a sour glance.

Jun thought their gentle bickering was adorable.

“Can I take the passenger seat now?”, Yutaka changed the topic.

Jun thought that would be a great idea. It would enable Yutaka to gaze at Shou longingly from the side, while Shou kept his eyes on the road, painfully aware of Yutaka’s presence right next to him. Oh, the longing, the pining.

“Actually”, Shou said. “I think Kenji should take the passenger seat. His legs are the longest. He always looks so cramped on the backseat. It can’t be comfortable.”

“According to that logic, you should have traded your seat with Jun earlier”, Yutaka muttered.

Shou shrugged and unlocked the car.

“I’m the leader of this band. The laws of logic don’t apply to me.”

Jun nudged Kenji in the side.

Kenji looked at him. Jun raised his eyebrows.

Kenji exhaled a little too soundly.

“Yutaka can have the passenger seat. I don’t care.”

Jun beamed at him, while he got in on the back himself. Kenji was reliable. Jun could always count on him.

Shou took a while to adjust the driver seat, so he was able to reach the gas pedal at all. Then he started the car, following the instructions of their navigation device.

Jun watched him for a moment. Shou always looked very focused while driving. Jun was surprised he had offered to take over at all. He didn’t mind driving as much as Jun did, but he wasn’t at ease as much as Kenji and Yutaka. He looked pretty, when he was concentrated, though. Jun hoped that Yutaka noticed.

He turned to look at Yutaka. He wasn’t looking at Shou, but out the window. Jun frowned.

He shot a quick glance over at Kenji, who had rested his head against the window and closed his eyes. His features looked very relaxed and even, when he was dozing off like that.

Jun turned his attention back onto Yutaka, staring at the back of his head as if he hoped to make him look over at Shou by sheer force of will.

It didn’t work. Yutaka kept gazing out the window. Jun felt highly frustrated with his bandmates. All three of them did not to understand how romance was supposed to work. At least the air conditioning was working in the car. Jun’s body started to cool down. He felt somewhat less gross and sweaty already.

When they pulled into the parking lot of the hotel, he almost dreaded getting out of the car because of the heat. After fixing his luggage from the trunk, Jun felt sweaty again. This wasn’t the season for travelling. It was the season for staying at home and hardly moving at all.

He dragged his suitcase into the lobby of the hotel. Shou and Yutaka only had backpacks with them, Kenji something that looked like a training bag. Only Jun had brought a suitcase and it was actually quite heavy. He regretted not packing more lightly.

Behind the reception desk a young woman with bangs greeted them. Jun wondered, if she was the one, he had talked to on the phone. He hoped she wouldn’t recognize him. Maybe he should have disguised his voice. The safest thing would be to stay quiet.

“Hello, nice to meet you.” As usual, it was Shou who took over the talking. “It’s Golden Bomber. We reserved two rooms for tonight.”

“Yes, of course.” The receptionist beamed at them. “Two twin bed rooms, is that correct?”

Jun’s throat started to feel uncomfortable dry. He licked his lips. Had his plan failed? Had the booking not been changed? Would Shou and Yutaka stay oblivious to their true love forever?

The woman turned to her computer.

“Oh, dear”, she said. She sounded genuinely sorry. Jun was quite sure now, that he recognized her voice from the phone. “I just see there has been a problem with your reservation. We only have one twin bed room left.”

Jun could not see Shou’s expression, since he was standing behind him. Yutaka groaned soundly, though. He still had chocolate sticking to his cheek.

“We can only offer you a regular double bed”, the receptionist continued. Jun had to give her credit for staying throughout professional. If it was up to him, he’d nominate her for the Oscars. “The price will stay the same of course.”

Shou turned around, looking at them questioningly.

“We could split up and look for another hotel. But I’m not sure it’s worth the trouble”, he observed.

“It’s not like we didn’t share beds before”, Jun said hastily.

He was aware that Kenji watched him from the side and was probably smirking.

“Well, I don’t care”, Yutaka said.

Jun took that as a good sign. Of course, he didn’t care. Secretly, he hoped to press his small, sexy body against Shou’s small, sexy body, embracing him, placing kisses all over …

“Okay, we’ll take it”, Shou said and turned back to the receptionist.

She handed him two key cards after he signed the papers.

“307 is the one with the twin beds. 306 the double bed one”, she explained sweetly. “Unfortunately, our elevator is out of service currently. You’ll have to take the stairs. We can get someone to carry your luggage, if you wish.”

Shou waved it off.

Jun thought he had been a little fast to decline the offer. After all, Shou only carried a backpack. It was Jun, who would have to drag a heavy suitcase to the third floor.

“Well, I’m sorry about the inconvenience, guys”, Shou said and held the card with the number 306 out to Kenji demonstratively.

Kenji hesitated and cast a quick glance over at Jun. Jun glared at him. Kenji did not take the card.

“Actually”, he said, obviously highly uncomfortable. Jun knew how much Kenji hated to pick an argument with about anyone. “I think you guys should share the bed. You are much smaller than me and Jun after all.”

Shou furrowed his brow.

“Also”, Jun chimed in. “Yutaka said he wouldn’t mind.”

“Sure, I don’t mind, loser”, Yutaka agreed. “Because I’m sleeping in a twin bed anyway. I don’t care how cramped up you and Kenji are sleeping.”

Jun stared at him wide-eyed. He couldn’t believe his plan would fail like that.

“But … but …”, he stammered. “It’s my birthday this month! Let me chose the room.”

“You wish”, Shou said. “Yutaka may be small, but he takes up the most space. So, we ought to get the twin beds.”

Jun turned to Kenji for help.

Kenji made a face, shifting his weight from one foot to the other. It looked oddly cute. He moved like a child, who had gotten caught doing something forbidden. His body was much too tall for such a gesture.

“I think Jun is right”, he said hesitantly. “Doesn’t he deserve to chose his room this month?”

Shou exhaled gravely.

“Fine”, he agreed. “I can share the twin bed room with Jun then. You guys take the double bed.”

“Oi!”, Yutaka shouted. “Don’t make it sound like a sacrifice! If you want Jun to sleep in a twin bed so badly, you can share the bed with Kenji!”

“Rock, paper, scissor?”, Shou suggested.

Yutaka shrugged.

Jun started to panic. Splitting Shou and Yutaka up would be even worse than them not sharing the bed. He hadn’t considered this option at all.

“Fine!”, he shouted hysteric. “We’ll take the double bed. You guys share the twin bed room.”

He snatched the key with the number 306 from Shou’s hand and picked up his suitcase. It was really heavy, but the weight wouldn’t have been a huge problem for Jun. The problem was, that he was awkward and not very good at carrying unwieldy objects in general. He dragged the luggage up the first three steps, aware that he looked completely ridiculous and didn’t exactly manage to storm off impressively.

He was highly upset. Why did Shou and Yutaka struggle against their happiness like that?

“Hey, let me take that”, Kenji said gently and caught up to him, taking the suitcase out of Jun’s hand. He carried it up the stairs easily, his gym bag in the other hand. The weight didn’t seem to bother him at all.

Jun followed him up the stairs, listening closely if Shou and Yutaka were bickering behind them, but they stayed quiet.

On the third floor, they found their doors easily. Of course, they were right next to each other. Kenji dropped Jun’s suitcase, while he waited for him to unlock the door.

Jun waited a moment, until Shou had unlocked the door to the room next to them. Somehow, he was still hoping for a change of mind.

Shou opened the door, holding it open for Yutaka, who walked past him. Jun waited until the door had fallen shut behind them, before he turned back to their own lock.

“Did you see that?”, he asked Kenji excitedly. “Shou held the door open for Yutaka! Usually, they are not that polite around each other. Maybe he is starting to acknowledge his feelings for him? I mean, holding the door open for him has to mean something! You don’t get treatment like that from just anyone. Shou was acting like a real gentleman!”

Jun pushed open their door and entered first.

“A real gentleman, indeed”, Kenji said somewhat dryly, took up Jun’s suitcase again and followed him into the room.

Jun stood frozen and stared onto the bed. It was a double bed alright, but not a very large one. It would be impossible to avoid body contact in it.

“Are you kidding me?”, Jun howled out. “It’s so small! Two people will be pressed together in there!”

“Well”, Kenji said apologetic. “If it’s bothering you, I can …”

Jun turned around to stare at Kenji wide-eyed.

“It would have been perfect!”

Jun imagined Shou and Yutaka having to share that small double bed. Damn, that would have been hot.

Kenji sighed and dropped Jun’s suitcase on the left side of the bed. He knew that Jun preferred to sleep closer to the window than to the door.

Jun sat down on the edge of the bed and hung his head low.

“I was this close”, he muttered. “This close to making all of my dreams come true.”

“If they are attracted to each other, they will figure it out in twin beds, too”, Kenji tried to comfort him.

Jun looked up to him and managed a thankful smile.

“I appreciate you trying, though”, he said. “It’s nice you support me in this. I know you don’t believe in their love.”

Kenji shrugged and started to unpack his things from the training bag.

“Do you mind, if I take a shower first?”, Jun asked. “I feel sweaty and disgusting. I really can’t force you to sleep next to me like that.”

Kenji smiled at him.

“I don’t think you are disgusting, ever”, he said. “But sure, you can go first.”

Jun collected his stuff from the suitcase, before entering the bath. He always brought a lot of cosmetics with him on trips. His hair was usually dry from dying it so often and his skin needed a lot of care, too. That was probably, why his suitcase was always so heavy. That, and the fact that he couldn’t settle for an outfit beforehand and always took too many clothes.

He stepped under the shower, and allowed the warm water to wash away his worries. He wondered, if Shou and Yutaka were taking a shower right now, too. Probably not together, Jun didn’t get his hopes up like that. But maybe Yutaka walked around the room with nothing but a towel wrapped around his waist afterwards, Shou’s eyes following him through the room, taking in his bare skin and wondering, why the sight made him feel so flustered. He’d blush and Yutaka would notice, gently teasing him about it. It wouldn’t cause the ultimate confession yet, of course, just set the right atmosphere for what was going to happen later. Jun knew how stories like these were supposed to go.

He tried not to imagine things between his bandmates too vividly under the shower, though. It got him a little too excited. Two handsome men like that. Way more handsome than Jun himself at least. They would surely look good together.

He turned off the water, drying himself off with a fluffy, white towel. He wrapped it around his waist while getting ready for bed applying moisturizer, brushing his teeth, combing his hair.

Then he walked back into the room. Nudity had never been a big deal between him and Kenji. For Kenji nudity never seemed to be a big deal in any context. Jun did not feel embarrassed, even as Kenji watched him now, while he searched his suitcase for the pyjamas.

“Are you done?”, Kenji assured, after Jun had gotten dressed again and fixed himself a book to read a page before going to sleep.

“Sure”, Jun assured and made himself comfortable on the bed. “You can use the bath now.”

He watched Kenji as he got up and disappeared into the bathroom. Those hotel rooms always seemed too small for Kenji. It wasn’t just his height and his broad shoulders that looked weird in this cramped place with the small bed. Kenji usually seemed to burst with joy and enthusiasm and the small room seemed unable to contain his whole personality. When it came to character, Kenji deserved to be on a huge stage all the time, Jun thought.

He turned towards the book he was holding without even opening it.

He thought of Shou and Yutaka next door again. If something happened between them, would he even know? Would they tell their bandmates? For all that Jun knew, they might be in a happy relationship for years already. Shou hadn’t seemed too pleased with the possibility of changing roommates. But then, why not take the chance of sharing the bed? Maybe Yutaka really used up too much space in his sleep.

Jun put aside his book and checked his phone instead. He loved checking out the posts of fans, whom he followed with his fake account. There were usually cute pictures of Shou and Yutaka together. Sometimes, very rarely, there were pictures of himself, too. He always scrolled past them very fast.

Of course, occasionally he felt weird about swooning over his bandmates like this. When he wanted to see them, he didn’t have to stare at pictures on his phone like a creep. He could go over next door and knock. It was different for the fans, who didn’t know them in person. Jun should have a little more respect for their privacy. However, there was something soothing in fading in with the crowd of fans. They all wanted the same thing. They wanted Shou and Yutaka happy together. It was a goal they shared, something that made Jun escape from his own life and his own worries for a little while.

Kenji entered the room again. Jun looked up shortly. Kenji was naked. He hadn’t even bothered with a towel around his waist. Jun looked back onto his mobile screen.

There was a moment of silence, in which Kenji towelled off his hair.

“You think we could hear them, if they banged?”, Jun asked without looking up. “The walls seem to be quite thin.”

Kenji chuckled.

“Yeah, I don’t think that’s going to happen”, he observed.

Jun sighed.

“You are right. They have twin beds. Nothing will happen between them”, he agreed.

Kenji pulled a goofy face. It did nothing to hide his handsomeness, though.

“I don’t think the problem is the beds.”

Jun shook his head and finally lowered his phone to get a better look at Kenji. He kept his eyes fixed on Kenji’s face, though.

“If they had to share the bed, they’d surely have sex. If there is only one bed, the potential couple is bound to have sex. Don’t you read at all? It’s science.”

Kenji snorted and put the towel over the backrest of the armchair by the window.

“I don’t see how that should be science”, he said.

“Well, think of all the sexual tension it would create. Shou and Yutaka in a bed together this small. Their limbs would brush against each other. They could sense each other’s body heat. The sexual tension would get sheer unbearable. There is only one blanket, too. They’d have to snuggle up to each other, painfully aware of only the thin layer of clothing keeping them apart.”

“Yeah, about the clothing”, Kenji interrupted him. “I kind of thought we’d have separate beds and you know I prefer to sleep naked. I didn’t bring pyjamas. You won’t feel harassed by that, will you?”

Jun waved it off absentmindedly. He had spent so much time around naked Kenji already, sleeping next to him like that wouldn’t feel weird at all.

“Sure, I don’t care”, he said nonchalantly and turned back to his phone.

Kenji pulled back the blanket to sneak in next to Jun. The bed really was small and Kenji took up a large part of it. His upper arm was resting against Jun’s, but there wasn’t enough space for either of them to back off. This would be a very cuddly night.

“Don’t tell me you’re staring at pictures of them again?”, Kenji assured and peaked over Jun’s shoulder.

Jun shuffled a little closer, snuggling up against Kenji’s shoulder, so Kenji could get a good look at his phone screen, too.

“Look at this!”, he said and zoomed in. “The way Yutaka looks at Shou here. Full of hunger and greed and longing and affection. He is clearly in love.”

Kenji sighed. Jun could feel the heaving of his chest against himself.

“I think he is looking past Shou at the buffet actually. You remember? There was a live barbecue that day.”

Jun flicked his tongue and he pulled back from Kenji again, trying to create a distance that was impossible to achieve in the small bed.

“You just lack sense of romance”, he declared.

Kenji gave nothing but a low hum.

Eventually Jun put his mobile aside, picking up his book again. He held it in his hands indecisively. Reading a novel was surely more acceptable than engaging in weird fantasies about his colleagues. But he felt weirdly distracted and unfocused.

“Hey, Jun”, Kenji said softly.

Jun turned his head, surprised to find Kenji had rolled to his side and was watching him currently.

“Why is it so important to you? This whole thing with Shou and Yutaka? It’s really starting to get out of hand lately. I don’t mean to lecture you. I’m worried.”

Jun sighed and put his book back onto the bedside table. He didn’t know where to look, so he kept his eyes on the opposite wall.

“Reality is just unsatisfying”, he confessed lowly. “I’m feeling sick with worry all the time and just … dizzy with everything that’s going on currently. I need to believe in something nice.”

“But why them?”, Kenji asked. He had dropped the topic many times before already, but Jun had the feeling, that today he would keep pushing. “You could believe in world peace. Or romantic comedies. Why Shou and Yutaka?”

Jun exhaled soundly, then he rolled over, too, so he could face Kenji. He was the only one with whom he had ever talked about his obsession. With Kenji he didn’t have secrets. It was work that had brought them together. He knew a handsome, sporty guy like Kenji would never had ended up in Jun’s company otherwise. Still, he was his best friend.

“I just want to believe that a love like that exists. Supporting someone else with a crazy concept like an air band. Always fighting, but knowing you’ll never break up, because your love is just too strong, turning all the arguments gentle and playful. I want to believe someone could look at me the way that … Yutaka looks at barbecues.”

Kenji chuckled at Jun’s admittance. He remembered where Yutaka had looked that day. It hadn’t been at Shou.

“Also”, Jun added. “I really admire you guys, but especially Shou. He is a huge role model for me. It would mean so much to me, if … if we were the same, you know? If he validated the things I felt. It would be great to know he’s in love with another man.”

Kenji reached out, gently touching Jun’s lower arm.

“Hey”, he said quietly. “You don’t need him to feel the same to be valid. And if it’s about wanting to be loved … why don’t you ask for something for yourself? Why not fantasize about Shou yourself, if you admire him so much?”

Jun could hear the hesitation in Kenji’s voice. He didn’t seem too excited about the perspective of Jun crushing on Shou.

Jun smiled sadly.

“I don’t know, for me, the world just seems to be on hard mode. I don’t really believe I could ever find that kind of love and keep it. It’s unrealistic. I want to believe it’s possible for them, though. They deserve it.”

“You deserve it, too”, Kenji said.

“Also, imagining them together is just hot”, Jun added. “I can’t imagine anything that hot involving myself. I’m awkward. I’d ruin my own fantasy.”

Kenji chuckled again and nudged Jun’s chin lightly.

“Okay, fine”, he said, obviously not willing to argue, although he usually scolded Jun for being too self-deprecating. “But why Shou and Yutaka? You might as well ship me with one of them.”

“They have chemistry”, Jun snorted, trying to dismiss the question.

“I do have chemistry with Yutaka as well”, Kenji clarified. “We’re close. And you know, that I actually do like men. Neither Shou nor Yutaka ever confirmed something like that. It would be logical to think of me first.”

Jun looked at Kenji’s chest, instead of meeting his eyes.

He imagined Kenji kissing Yutaka. It didn’t cause the warm fluttering in his chest, that he experienced whenever he imagined Shou and Yutaka together. Instead, his whole stomach bolted and he felt like throwing up.

He raised his gaze, meeting Kenji’s eyes. Their dark brown was tender, as always when he looked at Jun.

“I’m not good at asking for things myself”, Jun confessed quietly, his voice hoarse. “That doesn’t mean I’m selfless. Even if I don’t dare to want something, it doesn’t mean I can bring myself to share.”

Even if Jun didn’t dare to watch Kenji for too long, while he dozed off in the car. Even if he didn’t dare to think about the fact that he wasn’t wearing any clothes right now too intensely. He couldn’t bring himself to even imagine Kenji kissing someone else.

“You know”, Kenji said and reached for Jun’s hand. He took it and placed it against his chest, right above his heart, holding it in place. Jun could not sense his heartbeat, but he sensed how warm Kenji’s body felt and how smooth his skin. “You are allowed to want.”

Jun swallowed hard. He had known he was allowed to want for a long time already. Kenji had made that more than obvious. But still, Jun hadn’t dared.

“If it’s Shou and Yutaka”, he started hesitantly. “It’s not my fault, if it doesn’t work out. I can hope, and I can fantasize. But I don’t have to act on it and I can’t do anything wrong, that will ruin it. I can be happy, when I think about them, but I don’t have to be scared. It will never be my fault and it will never be me getting heartbroken. There is always a risk when you want things for yourself.”

“Don’t be scared”, Kenji whispered.

And Jun looked at him and finally allowed himself to let his eyes linger. He saw Kenji’s handsome features, his beautiful smile, his dark eyes - that always followed Jun through every room. And he allowed himself to feel his body against himself, the heat they were sharing underneath the one blanket. And with Kenji this close to himself, he hardly felt scared at all.

 *

“Oh no”, Yutaka groaned, when the moaning started. The walls of the hotel were so thin, they were able to hear everything perfectly.

„Can you come over?“, Shou asked without introduction. He sounded breathless.

Yutaka tilted back his head and stared at the ceiling.

He didn’t feel like going over to Shou’s place tonight. He hadn’t felt like picking up the phone to begin with.

But he had told himself, that it might be something important. Something about Shou’s health, or news from Jun, or some infection among the staff members. He hadn’t dared to decline the call, although he wasn’t really in the mood to talk to Shou.

“Maybe another time”, Yutaka suggested. “Let’s make plans for the next time you are free.”

He couldn’t help sounding bitter. They all had a lot of free time recently, but still, Shou always seemed too busy to meet up. Yutaka understood that everyone had a different way of copying with the situation, but he was mad at Shou anyway. He had cancelled their dates one time too often lately.

“I meant more like now”, Shou said.

Yutaka checked for the time and sighed.

He had planned on a lazy evening all by himself. His intention had been to pity himself throughout for not receiving enough attention from his boyfriend and not knowing what to do with himself either. Maybe, he would have gotten a little drunk, too.

He considered how long it would take him to find his motivation, take a shower, maybe eat something, because Shou’s refrigerator was always poorly stocked and drive over.

“I can be there in like two or three hours”, he admitted.

He didn’t quite understand, why he was always the one to give in, when Shou on the other hand was allowed to cancel their plans last minute without so much as a proper explanation.

“No, Yutaka, I mean now”, Shou sounded urgent. Yutaka felt the old, familiar ball of panic rising within his chest. It tasted sour at the back of his throat.

He remembered the panic, back from when they had been nothing but friends, way before they became popular. Every time Yutaka’s phone had rung, he had flinched. When it was Shou, he had panicked. When it was the number of a stranger, or someone who knew Shou, Yutaka had panicked, too. Shou had been unstable back then and even now, that his mental health had improved, Yutaka had never really gotten over the fear of loosing him. Ever since the pandemic had started, the fear had become more acute again. He wasn’t sure how well Shou was doing and the fact that he closed down on him, caused Yutaka to worry even more. Not being able to meet with Shou, didn’t just anger him, because he wanted to spend time with his boyfriend. It made him feel anxious, when he wasn’t able to check on him regularly. He felt helpless then, having to watch from the outside but unable to interfere, because Shou just wouldn’t let him in.

“Has something happened?”, he wanted to know, trying to sound calm. Shou would feel bad, if he knew how much Yutaka worried; worried so much that he wished to rip open his chest and close his hand around his heart to physically stop the panicked pounding.

“I’m fine”, Shou said, but his voice sounded funny, somehow flat like it usually did when he was stressed or distracted.

Yutaka had learned to read his voice over the years, because it was actually more telling than his face. Whenever they talked, Yutaka kept scanning his voice for little warn signals, for red flags that would tell him if he needed to act.

Although Shou sounded stress, he didn’t seem at the verge of a nervous breakdown yet, so Yutaka decided to aim for a compromise.

“I’ll take a shower and drive over immediately. I’ll be there in an hour and we order takeout?”, he suggested.

Shou was silent for a moment.

“No, please”, he said. “Come here right away. I don’t care if you’re showered or not.”

Yutaka bit his lower lip. Maybe he had been mistaken. Maybe Shou was closer to a meltdown than he thought. But then, why wouldn’t he tell him right away?

“Are you sure there is nothing wrong?”, he assured.

“Don’t worry”, Shou said. “Just come here as fast as possible. Please.”

He was practically begging now, something that was extremely rare for him. Shou didn’t like using the word “please”. He didn’t like to ask something of other people, even if it was Yutaka. He was better at apologizing.

“Okay, I’m on my way”, Yutaka said and suddenly felt angry at himself.

He had promised himself to not let Shou walk all over him any longer. If he cancelled on Yutaka without explanation, Yutaka shouldn’t rush out to meet him, as soon as Shou called. He wasn’t a dog. He had wanted to explain to Shou, that he couldn’t treat him like that. He had wanted to tell him, that he would need to make an effort, too, if he wanted their relationship to continue.

But old habits were hard to overcome and all that Yutaka could think of was the pale, gloomy kid Shou used to be, always so very close to breaking. Every time Shou called him to his side, Yutaka was unable to decline, because the blood rushing through his ears seemed to turn into a whisper of “What if it’s a relapse? What if this time it’s a relapse and you are not there?”

“Thank you”, Shou said quietly.

Yutaka held on to the phone a bit longer, listening to the silence at the other end of the line. He wanted to make sure he did not miss any meaning hidden in it.

“Don’t just sit there, get going!”, Shou exclaimed finally and started laughing.

“Okay, okay”, Yutaka huffed out, annoyed that Shou acted like he just didn’t hang up, so he wouldn’t have to leave the house. All the same, he was also relieved Shou sounded lighter now, his scolding nothing but a tease. He didn’t sound like he was close to breaking.

“See you soon”, Yutaka added, then he hung up.

He got up and tried to stay calm. There was no point in rushing out the door. He needed his keys and his helmet. If he stormed out senselessly and forgot something, he’d only waste time by having to come back up.

He considered changing into a proper pair of pants, but than it wasn’t like Shou would care. He usually looked unfashionable whenever they met.

Yutaka breathed in deeply while he put on his shoes.

Over the years he had learned to calm himself. There was no point in letting Shou see how unsettled he was. It only made Shou pull back harder, worried to bother Yutaka. It had turned out that appearing relaxed and almost a little brash was what put Shou at ease the most. Sometimes, he needed Yutaka to speak to him firmly, so he got it together again. By now, Yutaka had gotten quite good at finding the right balance of caring for Shou without letting his own panic show. Shou had no idea how scared Yutaka was, whenever he texted him in the middle of the night, or when he didn’t pick up his calls several times in a row.

It hadn’t been like this when they were still on tour together and Yutaka could keep his eyes on Shou at least every other day. But the lockdown had made the old fear kick back in. Yutaka felt the pressure of the forced isolation and the unpredictability of the coming months weighting down on himself as well, and Shou had always been the more sensitive one.

He put on his helmet and swung himself onto his scooter. Luckily Shou’s place was close by. It had been one of the reasons Yutaka had decided to rent this apartment after all, although he hadn’t told Shou back then. Their relationship had still been too fresh. He had claimed the reason for his moving was the need for a bigger place. By now, Shou seemed glad about the short distance, too.

Yutaka forced himself to focus on the traffic. He had to fight the urge to skip red lights and cut in on the cars on the road. He wanted to be at Shou’s place as fast as possible, but he had to get there alive.

He’d feel calmer, if Shou would agree to see a professional, at least while the measurements were in place and they weren’t able to continue their tour. It was Yutaka, who had coaxed Shou into trying therapy for the first time, too, but unfortunately, Shou had not been too convinced by the results. He had written it off as pointless. Yutaka would be relieved, though, if a professional kept looking for warn signs, too, and it wasn’t all up to him to carry the burden. Maybe, he’d be able to sleep more peacefully at night again.

He pulled up in front of Shou’s apartment building, taking in another deep breath. There was no need to worry Shou even more with his own panic. He had to be calm. He had to be the stable one, so Shou could hold on to him, when he stumbled.

Yutaka climbed the stairs. He could have taken the elevator, but he didn’t like to stand idle with his thoughts, when he felt like this. As long as he focused on walking, his brain wouldn’t produce pictures of what he might find. He thought of Shou’s first apartment. Small, messy, the blinds always drawn by day and night as if Shou was scared of what the light might exposed. Yutaka had always felt uncomfortable visiting him there. Not that his friends from university had lived in more luxurious places back then. But Shou’s apartment had always radiated the sadness of an animal cage that was too small for its inhabitant. He knew Shou had had troubles leaving the house on some days. That was why he had always thought of the place as a cage and avoided visiting Shou in it. Even today, although Shou had moved several times and was in a much better mental state, Yutaka felt queasy whenever he approached his front door. He was scared, that someday Shou would open and Yutaka would find his apartment had turned into a cage again.

He rang the doorbell.

It took quite some time, until he even heard noise from the other side. Yutaka wished he had a key. He hadn’t brought himself to ask about it yet.

Then the door was opened and he stared into Shou’s face. For a moment, Yutaka felt like his heart just stopped beating. There it was, his worst nightmare. He felt horrified and oddly relieved. At least, he’d be allowed to stop searching Shou’s face for hints now. Everything was open on display.

Shou’s eyes were red and swollen and filled with tears. He had obviously been crying until just now. His nose was running, too, and he made weird sniffling noises. His hair was in dismay as if he had tried to get it out of his face angrily and then forgotten to straighten it out again. Red stains were showing on his cheeks like it always happened to him when he was stressed or just got emotionally worked up.

He looked upset and puffy and Yutaka knew, that someone had hurt him. He had seen Shou hurt so many times already, by girls who had not returned his love, by colleagues whom Shou deemed better than himself, by so-called fans who had been nothing but cruel and too demanding.

Yutaka stepped inside, closed the door behind himself, so no one would be able to spot them and pulled Shou into an embrace. He wrapped his arms around him and held him without the intention of ever letting go.

To his surprise Shou leaned into him, wrapping his arms around Yutaka’s waist and allowed himself to be held, which usually happened quite rarely.

Yutaka inhaled deeply. Shou’s hair smelled smoky as if he had been roasting something. Yutaka wondered if he needed to worry. Had Shou set something on fire in his own apartment and the shock had upset him this much?

“Hey”, Yutaka whispered, still holding on to Shou.

They were about the same height and he could rest his head against Shou’s neck comfortably. Sometimes, Yutaka wished to be taller. If he was as tall and buff as Kenji, he’d be able to make Shou feel small and safe. He knew that it would not help him fight off all the invisible enemies Shou was struggling with, but maybe he’d feel better, if at least he was able to protect Shou physically. Maybe it would make him feel a little less helpless.

“What happened?”, he asked lowly.

“Ah.” Shou pulled back and chuckled. He reached up to wipe his eyes with the back of his hand. “It’s nothing. Not what you think. I’m fine.”

He managed a smile, exposing his gappy teeth. His mind seemed to be elsewhere, though.

“Hey”, Yutaka repeated, taking hold of Shou’s hands. He held them in his own for a moment, turning them around, so Shou’s palms were pointing up. He gently trailed his fingers up Shou’s arms, in a gesture that was meant to be tender, but again, he could only concentrate on the sound of his own blood that rushed so loudly in his ears all of a sudden.

He knew exactly what he was doing, what he was doing currently whenever he met with Shou. Their sex had turned too desperate and too greedy, too, because Yutaka got impatient to tear off Shou’s clothes. Lately, Shou had pulled back from him a little and often enough, Yutaka had had to go home after receiving only so much as a kiss. Shou could sense the fear that drove Yutaka, even if he might not understand what he was doing. But Yutaka felt overwhelmed lately, almost shaking with the desire to assure that Shou was alright. He needed to inspect his skin, make sure no marks or bruises were to be found anywhere. Shou’s phase of self-harm hadn’t lasted long. It was Yutaka, who had never gotten over it. Maybe Shou wasn’t even aware Yutaka had noticed back then, so he couldn’t guess what he was searching his body for now. Yutaka’s greed had to remain incomprehensible to him, and whenever Yutaka found no traces on Shou’s skin, he turned tender, almost compulsively so. The relief made him want to cherish every part of Shou’s body and he wanted to wrap himself around him, to make sure no one harmed him ever again.

“Tell me, who hurt you”, Yutaka inquired. “I’ll punch them in the face. This time I’ll do it, I swear.”

Shou laughed quietly and pulled back his hands from Yutaka’s grip.

Yutaka was glad to hear him laugh, although he had been absolutely serious about his words. It had never been Yutaka, who hurt Shou, but it was his duty to protect him anyway. He’d make sure he was alright and that he had a reason to smile and laugh every single day.

“You won’t”, Shou said with a gentle sternness. “Now, come in. But give me another moment, you got here faster than I expected.”

He led Yutaka to the living room area, that wasn’t so much a living room as a working space, because obviously those two things went together for Shou. The desk with the technical equipment took up a large part of the room. Yutaka couldn’t understand why Shou didn’t search for a bigger apartment. Everything here looked cluttered. He wasn’t very good at dividing his space economical, either.

“Just wait here, okay?”, Shou asked and gestured for him to sit down somewhere at the low table. “I’ll be right back with you, then we can talk.”

Shou wiped his eyes again, then he turned around and disappeared into the kitchen. His kitchen wasn’t really a separate room, but rather a part of the apartment that was separated from the rest of the living room through a divider. Yutaka wasn’t able to see Shou, but he heard clattering and a low sizzling. He wondered if he had arrived so early, that he had interrupted Shou’s dinner plans. It would explain the burnt smell.

Yutaka looked around the room and tried not to think of Shou’s red and puffy eyes.

He had clearly not expected Yutaka yet. Obviously, he had pointed that out to indicate he would have forced himself to be calmer already otherwise. The thought hurt. Had Yutaka gotten here a little later, Shou would have done his best to cover up the distress he was in. He would never expose his vulnerability to him. Yutaka would always have to guess and worry, if he was able to catch up on the hints in time to protect him. Shou wouldn’t ask for help, even if he needed it. It was all up to Yutaka.

He wondered, if it would have been better to confront Shou immediately. But he wanted to give him time to collect himself.

He was probably cleaning up the kitchen just now, trying to come up with the right words to explain to Yutaka, what had happened. He’d wash his face in the kitchen sink. His cheeks would be very red from the cold water and his eyes would look somewhat less puffy. He’d try to seem collected and Yutaka would pretend he was, to leave Shou with the feeling of dignity he obviously needed to open up to him at all.

Maybe giving him that much space was the problem, though. It gave Shou the time to recoil again and again and maybe Yutaka would never get through to him like this.

A loud clattering came from the kitchen and then Shou swore so heartily that it nearly made Yutaka flinch. Shou wasn’t exactly using polite language around him usually, but outbreaks like these were surprising for him anyway.

Yutaka decided that he had worried enough for today.

When he had seen Shou on the doorstep, all of his anger had vanished. He had only wanted to protect him. But now, he was here, after Shou had called him and begged him to come, making Yutaka worry. And then he had opened the door crying, worrying Yutaka even more, only to place him here alone in his living room, as if Yutaka’s worries and feelings didn’t matter at all.

He got up and walked over to the kitchen area, determined not to let Shou get away with it this time.

Shou had his back to him. The water was running, but he stood in front of the sink without moving. Yutaka took that as a very bad sign. Shou seemed to be dissociating.

“Who made you cry?”, Yutaka asked, not nearly as gentle as he had intended.

Shou shook his head without turning around. He finally turned off the water, though. Yutaka heard he make a sniffling sound again.

“It’s embarrassing”, Shou said quietly. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

“You can’t call me over here crying and then have me sit around calmly without getting an explanation”, Yutaka said loudly, this time sounding angry for real. He wished he had his voice under control not to daunt Shou. But he was angry and most of all, he was very, very scared. “What happened? I can’t help you, if you don’t tell me who hurt you. Who made you cry?”

Shou turned around. For some reason, he was clenching a plastic box filled with mushrooms to his chest. His cheeks were even redder than before.

Accusingly he lifted his arm and pointed over to the countertop next to the stove.

“That!”, he shouted. “That made me cry, okay?”

Yutaka turned his head slowly. On the countertop sat a grater and half an onion.

“I was grating onions. You know it always makes me cry.”

Yutaka stared at the remains of the onion for a while. He realized he’d look pretty ridiculous, trying to punch it.

He turned back to Shou.

“But you seemed so stressed”, he insisted.

“I am stressed!”, Shou exclaimed. Now he was the one unable to keep his voice down. He gestured around the kitchen. “Look at this mess.”

He held up the mushrooms before slamming them down onto the countertop as well.

Yutaka now noticed the pan sitting on the stove. It contained pieces of meat. The meat was nearly black. It still smelled burnt inside the whole apartment.

“Wait”, Yutaka said slowly. “You were trying to cook? For us?”

Shou crossed the arms in front of his chest. He always looked defensive when he did.

“You got here too early. It wasn’t ready yet. And while I opened the door, the meat got burnt.”

Yutaka looked down onto the pan and slowly shook his head.

“So, this is why you called me over?”, he assured. He wasn’t sure if he ought to feel relieved or even more angry. He was too baffled to feel either. “You begged me to come here as soon as possible … for dinner?”

Shou shrugged, pouting slightly. It made his full lips look pretty, especially with his cheeks this flushed. Yutaka was determined not to get drawn in by it, though.

“You wanted to be here only in an hour”, Shou muttered. “I had already started. I was worried the food would grow cold. You had to come right away.”

Yutaka nearly wanted to laugh, but he still felt something like an unpleasant afterglow in his chest. Even if he knew that there was no acute danger in sight, the fear didn’t just disappear from that knowledge. It clenched his bones a little longer with the cold sensation of panic. Even if his brain knew that Shou was currently safe, Yutaka’s body hadn’t accepted that reality yet. He still felt too shaken to forgive Shou this easily.

“You can’t do that to me”, he said. He had wanted to say that for so many weeks already. Every time Shou cancelled their meetings last minute, every time he called him when actually he should be asleep, every time he seemed a little too moody and recoiled from Yutaka’s touch. Shou couldn’t do that to him without explanation, because then Yutaka’s mind went into overdrive and he imagined him hurt and caged in and possibly gone forever.

“You can’t just call me over like something is wrong and then stand there crying and expect me to be okay with that”, he went on. “Because I worry about you so much. It scares me.”

Yutaka inhaled shakily. The words were out at last. He didn’t want to sound accusing or like he was blaming Shou for being sensitive. But it was important for him to know, that Yutaka needed more from him.

Shou looked up. His dark eyes were kind and pained. They were clear, though, not teary at all.

“I know”, he said softly. “I know you worry. I’ve been an awful boyfriend lately. I need time for myself to process everything that’s going on currently. But that doesn’t mean I’m not able to handle it. I’m sorry, I cancelled on you so often lately. I wanted to do something nice for you today. I thought it would make you happy, if I cooked for you.”

He gestured around the kitchen helplessly.

“But I’m godawful at it. I wanted to prove to you, that I’m doing alright and that I’m able to take care of myself. But I was wrong. I can’t take care of myself.”

He sniffled quietly once more.

“Fuck, I don’t even know if you need to wash mushrooms or not.”

“Shou”, Yutaka said gently and took a step towards him. He reached out hesitantly, touching Shou’s cheek lightly. His skin felt very hot to the touch. “You know, it’s not your cooking skills I’m worried about.”

Shou closed his eyes. For a few seconds, he looked peaceful.

“I am okay”, he said. He spoke quietly, but very firm. He opened his eyes again, looking right at Yutaka. “You need to believe me, when I tell you that.”

Yutaka hesitated.

“I just remember how it used to be, before the band worked out for us”, he admitted. “Remembering you that unstable frightens me. With everything that’s going on … everyone is stressed.”

Shou nodded.

“I know. But I’m a lot stronger now than I was back then. I’m not loving the current situation, but it’s not bothering me that badly, either.”

He took Yutaka’s hand, placing it against his neck and holding it there.

“Back then my whole future was insecure. I was scared of where I was going”, he continued. “But you know I have savings now.”

His grin looked out of place for their serious conversation, too boyish and gleeful. Yutaka found himself smiling in return.

“I know I won’t end up on the street. And back then, I was heartbroken, too. Now, I’m in a happy, fulfilling relationship and I have a loving boyfriend, who supports me.”

He leaned in and his lips brushed against Yutaka’s, a very light and very quick kiss, before he pulled back again.

“So, you’ll ask for help?”, Yutaka asked, still full of doubt. “If you need it?”

“Please, trust me”, Shou repeated, giving Yutaka’s hand a light squeeze. “You don’t have to look out so closely. If something is wrong, I’ll tell you.”

“I want to protect you”, Yutaka whispered hoarsely.

“I’ll let you.” Shou’s reply came immediately.

Yutaka exhaled, leaning forward and resting his forehead against Shou’s. Sometimes, it was nice they shared the same height. Maybe there was no need for being taller after all.

He closed his eyes.

“But you know”, he said quietly. “I have another confession to make.”

Shou hummed under his breath questioningly.

“I also don’t know if you need to wash mushrooms or not.”

Shou broke into a laugh, his body trembling against Yutaka gently. He was still holding on to his neck.

“So, what are we going to do?”, he asked. “You actually don’t seem very helpful.”

“Don’t worry”, Yutaka said and finally opened his eyes to pull back. “I might not be able to protect you from everything myself. But I know who can.”

Shou raised his eyebrows. Yutaka grinned triumphantly.

Frustrated Shou put aside the leftovers of his meal and forced himself to flash a quick smile at the camera. Of course, there were plenty of leftovers. Shou had cooked too much for a single person. He had felt like he ought to treat himself on his birthday, but it hadn’t changed the fact that one person alone could only eat so much. There was something sad about that. Shou wished he hadn’t opened the second bottle of alcohol. It turned him sulky.

He closed his MacBook and waved at the cameras.

“Good night, everyone”, he said. “Let’s meet again tomorrow morning. Bye-bye. Good night.”

He wondered, if the fans were able to tell he was feeling down. He tried to cover it up with another smile.

Bustling to clean up outside of the pavilion had forced him to run through the rain. The downpour of the afternoon had turned into a slight drizzle, hardly audible on the roof, but still enough to make his black jeans cling to his legs damp and uncomfortable. Somehow, he hadn’t expected it would get this cold at night. Shou wished he could ignite the bonfire again to warm himself.

He put up the sign that told everyone to tune in on the livestream at 8am again. He felt bad for making the fans wait so long, but he needed the rest. And the fans were probably tired as well. He had kept them up long enough already, without having anything interesting to offer in the first place. Just a lonely, old man drinking by himself. Not very entertaining. Shou hoped the fans hadn’t been bored or disappointed while watching him. Maybe they had expected more action today. Hopefully they had had a good laugh at Shou setting up the tent by himself at least. It had been quite a hassle.

It was a big tent, large enough for a group of five and not easy to set up by yourself. Originally, he had hoped he wouldn’t be alone tonight. He had thought it would be fun for the band and the fans, if they all went camping together.

But his suggestion had been thrown out by the others immediately. Too bothersome, too rainy, it was Shou’s birthday anyway, they fans wanted the focus to be on him.

Shou had not dared to point out that mostly because it was his birthday, he didn’t want to be alone.

The fans were watching him of course and he was grateful for that. He always planned those events on his birthday to feel less lonely, knowing that so many people were watching him. But it wasn’t quite the same. He craved company right now. He craved being special to someone, not just as an idol, but as a person. He would have loved to know that the others cared enough to put up with the camping for him.

But they were co-workers first of all and Shou shouldn’t forget about that. Just because Yutaka, Jun and Kenji were the most important people in his life, didn’t mean it was the same for them. It was Shou, who lived for the work most of all and he couldn’t blame the others for having a life of their own. They had people in their life, whom they loved, while all that Shou had, was the music and his bandmates. It wasn’t their fault he felt lonely and not their duty to fix it, either.

The rain was getting stronger now. Shou felt several drops hitting the top of his head as he walked over to the tent. But it would be more comfortable inside for sure.

The camera was still running, the light still illuminating the empty camping chair and the message to the viewers. With the light turned on outside, it would be bright inside the tent as well. Shou realized he had forgotten his sleep mask.

Unzipping the front of the tent, Shou hesitated for a moment. The night was cold and rainy. He wasn’t sure he had brought enough blankets, either. Maybe he should just drive home. They had agreed on this earlier, in case the weather turned so bad, it became impossible to spend the night outside.

But it would be such a disappointment for the fans. He had promised them he would go camping. Anyone could sleep at home. It would be boring. He felt like he would betray them, if he did.

And maybe, there was a little spite mixed in with his motives as well. If Yutaka and Jun and Kenji were here tonight, and they had agreed to give up together, it would have been fine. He would have to think of his bandmates first. But they had abandoned Shou tonight – on his birthday. A part of himself wanted to suffer, just so he was allowed to be mad at them.

He bent over and crawled into the tent. As soon as he entered, he noticed the drip. The last time they had used this tent, the holes had been there already, but somehow it had become worse over the past few months just lying around.

Shou felt for his bedroll. The outside was wet.

Quietly he cursed under his breath.

He had tried to put additional cloth onto the tent from the outside, but it had kept sliding off. Shou had forgotten to bring anything to make it stay on.

He had thought of calling the staff to get something from the city, but it would have taken quite a while and the rain had already started to lessen. It hadn’t really seemed like that much of an issue. All the holes were pretty small by themselves. It was enough to turn the tent moist and uncomfortably cold, though.

Shou changed into his pyjamas. At least the pants were dry.

He had to take off his jacket and realized it was even colder than he had assumed. He thought of wearing the jacket over his pyjama while he slept. But the jacket was wet and he would have to crawl into his bedroll with it, turning everything else wet as well.

Maybe it would be the right decision to give up and head back to the city. But Shou had never been good at giving up. He was too proud. He had been too proud to beg the others to join him, too. Maybe, if he had asked more directly, they would have changed their mind. But that awful, stubborn part of Shou had decided it would be better to feel wronged than to show vulnerability.

He made sure the tent was properly zipped, then he crawled into the bedroll. The inside had luckily stayed dry, but water kept dripping in right next to Shou’s head. He hoped the floor wouldn’t be soaking by tomorrow morning. He was running the risk of catching a cold. His hair was slightly wet, too. He shouldn’t act this unreasonable at his age. He should take care of himself. A cold was always a threat for his voice, too. At the age of 36 years, he really ought to know well enough to not let his pride get the better of him. But then, he had always thought at the age of 36 years, he’d have settled down already. He had thought on his birthday he would be with someone, who loved him. He hadn’t thought he would spend his birthday all alone in a tent. The fans were watching him, sure, but the people he personally felt close to weren’t.

Even his bandmates had made a pretty big point out of not watching him tonight. 24 hours would be too long, they had said. They knew what he was like, they didn’t need a livestream to watch him, when they saw so much of him all the time. And somehow, they had a point. But Shou still wished they cared enough to watch him.

He closed his eyes. He felt too cold to fall asleep, but he had set the alarm for tomorrow quite early. He didn’t want to be caught sleeping in when so many people were watching him.

So many people, who weren’t even close to him. He knew that he shouldn’t be bothered by it, but if the fans could watch him, why not the people he considered his friends?

Especially Yutaka had been quite aggressive about not wanting to watch him. Shou told himself, that he wasn’t hurt about that. If Yutaka didn’t want to spend his time watching Shou camping, Shou couldn’t blame him. He had thought things were developing differently between them, but obviously, he had been mistaken. Not even wanting to watch his livestream on Shou’s birthday – least of all spending it together – clearly showed that their meetings lately meant nothing to Yutaka. They had just hung out, because they had nothing better to do – no concerts, no live appearances – and they had needed the company. It hadn’t been dates. And the fact that Shou had stayed over at Yutaka’s place several times and that his couch was so uncomfortable, that they had ended up sharing the bed, meant nothing either. They were just friends and not even very good ones as it seemed.

Shou tossed to the side. A drop of water landed on his cheek. He gritted his teeth. Judged by the clattering on the roof, the rain was increasing. Shou hoped it wouldn’t turn into a serious downpour.

He should just go home. Whom was he trying to prove something to, anyway? The fans? Himself? Yutaka, who wasn’t even here tonight?

A sudden noise from outside stirred Shou.

He heard a car approaching at rapid speed, brakes screeching, and then a door slamming shut. It sounded as if the driver was leading a personal vendetta against their car.

Shou shot up into a sitting position.

Who was that? Had something happened? Was there an emergency? Only the staff was supposed to know where to find Shou. Was he in trouble? Was everyone alright? The only reason someone might interrupt his birthday event, was indeed a case of emergency.

Shou heard footsteps approaching the tent rapidly now. A dark silhouette was showing against the light from outside.

Maybe a crazy fan had found out about his location somehow? Was Shou in danger? Would someone come in? Was someone going to attack him? Or make the situation very uncomfortable?

The entrance of the tent was zipped open with a violent jerk and Shou flinched back. He felt for the flashlight he kept by his side. He switched it on and pointed the light beam right at the entrance – the very same moment someone stuck in their head.

“Oi, what the fuck?! Are you trying to blind me?!”, Yutaka shouted and raised his hand to shield his eyes against the light.

Shou lowered the flashlight immediately.

“Sorry”, he mumbled sheepishly, too surprised to not feel guilty. For a moment, he forgot it was Yutaka, who had ambushed him.

Then Yutaka slipped into the tent and shook his head, getting the wet hair out of his eyes, like a dog trying to dry itself. He had obviously run through the rain.

He looked around the tent and flicked his tongue as if he wasn’t pleased with what he saw.

Shou stared at him. He was wearing nothing but over-sized shirt and sweatpants. He looked like he had forgotten to get dressed before jumping into the car.

“What are you doing here?”, Shou finally managed to get out.

“Oh, please”, Yutaka said and held something up.

Only now did Shou realize that Yutaka was carrying a huge roll of duct tape with him.

“I know this tent is a leaky motherfucker”, he declared.

Without much ado he took the flashlight from Shou’s hand, who was still too shocked to hold on to it. Yutaka pointed the light beam at the roof overhead. Then he ripped off pieces of duct tape with his teeth and plastered them across the holes. It looked awful and provisional, but Shou had to admit, that it was undeniably effective.

“Where did you get the duct tape from?”, Shou asked, just watching Yutaka for a moment. He was so caught up in his work, he was hardly paying attention to Shou.

“Home”, he said and tore another piece of duct tape off with his teeth. It made him look wild, aggressive and oddly sexy. “I started driving when the rain got heavier in Tokyo. I couldn’t believe it, when I saw you took this tent. It leaked the last time we used it already. You should have been prepared.”

“So, you were watching the stream”, Shou concluded hesitantly.

Yutaka lowered his arms, but didn’t turn to look at Shou. Instead he inspected his work, making sure he hadn’t missed any leaking spots.

“I was tuning in shortly”, Yutaka said after a long pause. He spoke kind of huffily.

“Thank you”, Shou admitted softly.

Now Yutaka did turn to look at him. His dark eyes were surprisingly tender.

“Well, someone has to take care of you. And you are doing an awful job at it yourself. You shouldn’t be sleeping out here in this weather. You’ll catch a cold.”

Shou pulled up his shoulders defensively.

“So, you want me to go home? Then why fix the tent?”

Yutaka shrugged and grinned. The light of the flashlight was casting weird shadows on his face. It made the bags under his eyes look very dark.

“I want you to go home”, he confirmed. “But I know you are way too stubborn to listen to me. Not wanting to disappoint the fans and all that. As if they give a fuck where you sleep, seriously. They just want to watch you.”

Shou opened his mouth to protest, but Yutaka just held up a hand to stop him.

“Yes, yes, I know”, he said. “And that’s why I fixed the tent. I don’t even want to try arguing with you. Now, you got a dry piece of clothing in here?”

Shou furrowed his brow, but turned to look through his clothes.

Yutaka was speaking more firmly than was usual for him. Somehow, Shou found that weirdly attractive. Yutaka seemed to have come here with a purpose. Maybe Shou was just happy, that he had showed up at all. Maybe the sleepovers recently had meant something to Yutaka as well.

Shou grabbed the shirt he had worn earlier today and held it out to Yutaka.

Yutaka took it and then leaned over without further explanation. Shou’s first impulse was to pull back, but Yutaka just put the shirt over Shou’s head and started to towel off his hair without warning.

“Look at you”, Yutaka scolded him gently. “Going to sleep with wet hair like that. You want to lose your voice, so we’ll all be left without a job?”

Shou snorted, but let Yutaka dry off his hair, although he wasn’t doing so very gently. The rough touch felt nice anyway. Shou felt cared for. He hadn’t expected anyone to show up here tonight.

Once he was done, Yutaka tended to his own hair, using the shirt to towel it off as well. Then he looked around the tent once more.

“Looks like I fixed it, didn’t I?”, he asked and his voice sounded strangely proud and insecure at the same time, as if he wasn’t sure if Shou would really be impressed by his accomplishment.

Shou looked around as well. No rain seemed to seep in anymore. The tent was dry now and almost cosy, although it could have been a lot warmer.

“You are going to stay?”, Shou assured, suddenly scared, that Yutaka might just leave now.

“Sure”, Yutaka said. “I didn’t come out here all the way to let you out of sight again. I need to make sure you survive this night and don’t die of pneumonia or something.”

Shou looked around the tent once more, although he knew that Yutaka had brought only the duct tape. He wasn’t even dressed properly.

“You didn’t bring a bedroll”, he observed.

Yutaka shrugged again.

“We can share”, he pointed out. “You don’t mind sleeping close, do you? We’ve been sharing the bed recently and I thought …”

“There are cameras outside”, Shou cut him short and nodded to the entrance of the tent. “I’m not sure it’s a good idea.”

Yutaka smirked.

“They can’t look inside, can they?”, he said. “Come on, it will keep you warm.”

He pointed towards the bedroll.

Shou bit his lower lip and hesitated for a moment. But then he was so happy that Yutaka had showed up and he loved sleeping close to him. And it was cold and no one would ever find out and what did it even matter and he really loved sleeping close to him.

With awkward motions Shou crawled back into the bedroll, leaving the zipper open, so Yutaka could slip in next to him. Their bodies were pressed together closely all of a sudden and Yutaka felt incredibly warm.

He tried to pull the zipper back up, but it got suck halfway. The bedroll was too small for both of them. But Shou didn’t think it felt too bad anyway.

He buried his face against Yutaka’s neck, his arm around Yutaka’s waist. They had fallen asleep like that often lately. Shou felt safe with his limps wrapped around Yutaka like that. There was nothing sexual about it – at least there wasn’t tonight. Shou had felt so cold and lonely before and Yutaka was warm and the sound of the rain played on the roof of the tent. It just felt cosy and intimate. Maybe there would be more in the future, but tonight, this shared bedroll was all that Shou had needed.

Ironically, Shou had always thought he would feel safer falling asleep in someone’s arms; that he would like to be held. But when he was with Yutaka, he just wanted to hold on to him desperately. Knowing that Yutaka wouldn’t leave was all that Shou needed to feel safe.

Yutaka switched off the flashlight. It remained bright, though. Shou missed his sleep mask again.

He could feel Yutaka’s chest heaving with each breath. His body was weirdly tense, as if he was trying to suppress a shiver.

“You are cold”, Shou observed.

His shoulders were growing cold, too. He wished they had at least one additional blanket.

“It’s fine”, Yutaka said.

Shou smirked, because Yutaka had called him stubborn before. Yutaka was quite stubborn himself.

“You should have brought blankets”, he teased him. “Bringing only duct tape. You should have known that was a bad idea.”

“And you didn’t bring blankets and even forgot the duct tape”, Yutaka reminded him. “I think I’m winning here.”

Shou chuckled and pressed his eyes shut again.

He was cold, yes, but with Yutaka this close to him, he already felt a lot better.

The fact that the others had not even wanted to watch his livestream had made him feel unloved. He wanted his bandmates to care about him as much as Shou cared for them. But at least Yutaka seemed to care.

Somehow, Shou was glad that it was just the two of them right now. They wouldn’t cuddle this openly with Jun and Kenji around.

He also felt a tiny little bit sad, though.

Yutaka was the only one who had shown up for him, because of their involvement with each other lately. He was here, because he had romantic interest in Shou. And that was great. Shou wanted Yutaka to have romantic interest in him. But that also meant, that if he blew this and if it didn’t work out between them, he’d be alone again.

On a weird level, Shou wished Yutaka would be here as his friend and not as his date. 36 years and he wanted to know that someone cared for him unconditionally. It seemed about time.

Next to him Yutaka made a funny little noise.

“You want to go back to the city?”, Shou asked.

Yutaka grunted.

“I won’t be the one to make you give up”, he said. “I couldn’t forgive myself that.”

Shou moved his thumb, gently stroking Yutaka’s chest where his hand was resting.

“If it gets too bad, we could try to call the staff to bring out more blankets.”

“It will be fine”, Yutaka soothed him. “Let’s just try to fall asleep.”

For a moment, they lay in silence. In the distance Shou could hear a faint noise; almost like a car engine. He wasn’t sure, though, until he heard a car pull up outside. It seemed to park in the area free of trees behind Shou’s shooting place, right where Yutaka’s car was already parking.

“Are you expecting any more men to tenderly hold you through the night?”, Yutaka asked mockingly.

Shou boxed against his ribcage lightly, which wasn’t easy, because in the bedroll together, they hardly had space to move.

A door fell shut. Shou held his breath, waiting for what would happen next. Maybe it was someone from the staff this time?

“Let me out”, he asked hoarsely, suddenly worried, that someone might open the tent and find him and Yutaka curled up together.

Surprisingly, Yutaka did not argue, although he usually loved to argue with Shou. He unzipped the bedroll and rolled over, so Shou could sit up and crawl towards the entrance on his knees.

He unzipped the tent carefully, squinting his eyes as he peeked outside. He could vaguely make out a person opening the trunk of their car. As they straightened up again and walked towards the tent, they were carrying so many blankets in their arms, that it was impossible to even see their face. All that Shou could spot above the blankets was a shock of washed-out purple hair.

“What’s going on out there?”, Yutaka asked from behind.

Shou smiled widely and opened the door of the tent more widely.

“We’ve just got ourselves some blankets”, he announced, although Yutaka could obviously see that. They were handed inside first and Shou passed them on to Yutaka, who immediately started to unfold them.

Only then did Jun pop in his head and crawled into the tent awkwardly, nearly tripping over while taking off his shoes.

“Jun, what are you doing here?!”, Yutaka called out. “Can you even survive a night without your silk towels and vegan soaps, or will that make you cry?”

Jun snorted and rolled his eyes visibly. He was dressed way warmer than Yutaka. He had even thought of putting on a proper sweater.

“Well, what does it look like?”, Jun said dryly and grabbed one of the thinner blankets, wrapping it around Shou’s shoulders without paying attention to his protest. “I saw on the stream, that this idiot here only brought a bedroll and no blankets. I knew he was going to freeze.”

Jun shook his head and made himself comfortable next to them. All of them were sitting cross-legged now, wrapped up in blankets. The rain outside had stopped for a while, but it still felt cosier inside.

“So, you were watching, too”, Shou said and couldn’t hide his smile.

“Sure”, Jun said and huffed quietly. “We know what happens when we let you out of sight.”

He turned to Yutaka.

“And what are you doing here?”

Yutaka shot him a dark glance.

“Don’t act so surprised. You stole my idea, when you saw me on the stream.”

“When did you get here?”, Jun asked.

Yutaka shrugged.

“Fifteen minutes ago? Half an hour? I don’t know.”

“Well”, Jun said. “The drive up here takes about an hour, genius. How was I supposed to know? I left home, before you got here.”

Yutaka pointed to the roof of the tent.

“I fixed the holes. You know the tent was leaking.”

Jun looked up and inspected the duct tape construction critically. Then he looked at Shou sternly.

“You knew the tent was leaking. And you knew it would be cold. You are hopeless. You’d be lost without us.”

Shou tried to feel offended, but still he couldn’t stop smiling. Jun had no idea how true that was. Shou would be lost without his bandmates. Without them, he’d never have succeeded at anything. They were the reason he was able to live off the music and the shows that he loved. Everything, he had reached in the 36 years of his life so far, he had reached thanks to them.

“Too bad Kenji isn’t here”, he said quietly to change the topic.

“We could text him”, Jun suggested.

Shou shook his head.

“I’m sure he is asleep already. It’s late.”

Yutaka cleared his throat and rubbed his palms together as if he was trying to warm up his hands.

“Still cold?”, Shou asked and wrapped the blanket Jun had given him around himself more tightly.

It was nice with which naturalness they had both shown up here to take care of him. Yutaka fixing the tent while scolding him. Jun wrapping him in a blanket while scolding him. And neither of them trying to make him go home. Neither of them was trying to make him give up. They just went along with his stupid ideas and did their best to support him. It had always been like this. It was how their band worked. Shou wished he could tell Yutaka and Jun, how much he loved them.

“I’m fine”, Yutaka said. “I could just use some …”

He was interrupted by the noise of another car pulling up outside.

“Well, fuck me, I don’t believe this”, Shou said and stared at the entrance of the tent incredulously.

Jun started laughing.

“Well, I’m curious, what he brought”, Yutaka said.

Shou shook his head and eyed Jun and Yutaka suspiciously.

“This was planned, right?”, he assured. “You planned this.”

“If we did, we’d share a car, idiot”, Yutaka said. “Think about it.”

Shou turned back to look at the entrance of the tent.

For a while, everything stayed silent, then someone rattled on the tent from the outside.

“Shou, Shou, you in there?”, Kenji’s voice called out.

“Where else am I supposed to be?”, Shou called back and shook his head in amusement.

Jun crawled over and opened the tent.

“Eeh?!”, Kenji called out when he saw him. “Jun? What are you doing here?”

He bent down and crawled inside, starting to cackle as soon as he spotted Yutaka as well.

“Oh, I’m last, really? And there I thought showing up here would be a great surprise!”

“You should have driven faster”, Yutaka said and pointed to the large backpack Kenji swung from his shoulders. “Now, what did you bring? I fixed the tent, Jun provided blankets. A snack would be nice now.”

Shou laughed and nudged Yutaka’s shoulder.

“It’s night, how can you be hungry?”

Kenji opened his backpack and got out a convoluted bedroll. Then he presented two Thermos bottles and a set of plastic cups.

“I brought hot tea”, he said and unscrewed the first bottle. “It’s important to stay warm and hydrated to not catch a cold. I was sure you wouldn’t think of that.”

He poured a first cup and handed it to Shou.

Shou closed his hands around it firmly. The warmth of the tea was seeping through the plastic and heated up his palms. He felt very warm on the inside, too.

He looked at Yutaka and at Jun and at Kenji, who were all filling tea cups for themselves now. And he knew that he hadn’t wasted his years, focusing on the band activities. Sometimes, he wondered if over all that work, he had missed the right timing to find someone to love him and someone to found a family with.

But he hadn’t missed his chance for finding love by giving everything to the band. His family was right here with him.

“Thanks for coming out all the way here, guys”, he said and raised his tea cup.

“Of course”, Kenji said and smiled. Even in the shitty beam of the flashlight, he looked handsome and his eyes were kind and his smile genuine.

“We wouldn’t let you celebrate on your own, would we?”, Yutaka added and grinned at him with his charming, aggressive smile, that made Shou’s heart pick up pace. He looked forward to their next sleepover already.

Jun raised his tea cup as well, the colour of his hair nearly washed out and faded completely. He looked affectionate.

“Happy birthday, Shou”, he said and they clinked their cups together.

“So, is that offer still standing?”, Shou wanted to know and reached out to touch the back of Yutaka’s hand lightly, as the van pulled up in front of his apartment building.

Shou had lowered his voice, although both Kenji and Jun knew what was going on between him and Yutaka since the very beginning. Even the staff members had figured their part, dropping them off together often enough. Still, Shou considered it to be basic decency to not trumpet their evening plans in front of everyone.

Yutaka pulled back his hand from Shou’s touch.

“I offered to go out for dinner”, Yutaka pointed out rather flatly.

“Yeah, but when you said dinner …” Shou’s voice trailed off.

Yutaka threw him a quick side glance. His hair had gotten a little out of shape, since he had pushed it back from his face violently once the recording was done. He squinted his eyes slightly.

“Fine”, he agreed after a moment’s hesitation.

Shou tried not to look too eager as he got out of the van behind Yutaka and waved his goodbyes quickly. There was something about long working days, that made him even more excited to finally get home and well, treat himself a little. He tried to keep his mind on other things, but he felt slightly aroused already anyway, just because he knew what was going to happen as soon as they entered the apartment.

“We could still go for dinner”, Yutaka pointed out as the white van drove off and he fumbled for his keys to let them into the building. They usually met at Yutaka’s place. Shou preferred it, if he was the one to leave afterwards. “There is a new sushi place around here. I was meaning to try it.”

“It’s fine”, Shou said, gesturing for Yutaka to open the front door, who was still waiting for Shou to change his mind. “I will eat when I get home.”

“Wow”, Yutaka said and pulled on the door to hold it open for Shou. “You can’t wait to get away and we didn’t even get started yet. That’s a new record.”

Shou shrugged uncomfortable.

He was aware that he was hurting Yutaka with his coldness, but he didn’t know how else to keep him at bay. He was bothered by Yutaka’s constant tries to get closer to him. It was, as if Yutaka couldn’t see at all, that it would be best for both of them to keep an emotional distance – for safety reasons.

“I don’t know why you are causing such a fuss”, Shou muttered, while climbing the stairs to Yutaka’s apartment on the first floor. “Doing this is good for both of us. It’s stress relief, satisfying a physical need. Don’t ruin it.”

Yutaka sighed and fumbled with his keys again.

“I’m not saying we should stop having sex”, he said. “I’m just saying it would be nice to have dinner sometime as well. Or watch a movie together or something.”

Shou knew why he was saying that. Because that was what humans did. After several years, after kissing and touching, after being friends for so long – there should be more. Humans formed complicated bonds with each other, that weren’t just about spending time together. It was about taking on responsibility, about things that should be said and things that needed to stay unspoken not to hurt each other unintentionally.

If Shou went for dinner with Yutaka, it wouldn’t just be dinner. It would mean that Yutaka expected Shou to text him regularly, it would mean Shou wasn’t allowed to see other people anymore. And those were just the simple things. There were more complicated issues. Sometimes, Yutaka might expect him to hold his hand and other times he would expect Shou to give him space. He would expect Shou to notice when he had a bad day without saying anything and Shou would have to comfort him without knowing how.

It was how relationships worked, but Shou had never gotten quite used to getting close to other humans. He never knew when was the right time to speak up and when he was expected to stay silent. He couldn’t tell when he was supposed to be gentle with someone and when to keep his distance. He was bad at getting people to like him, because every little gesture had him overthinking until he didn’t know how to act anymore at all.

At times, Shou wished he was born a dog or a monkey. Life seemed easier that way. Other dogs and other monkeys wouldn’t expect him to follow complicated rules or want him to say the right things at the right moment. He would be allowed to follow his instincts freely, without constantly being afraid of hurting someone.

With Yutaka especially, Shou wanted to follow his instincts. Because if it was about love, it was too complicated for him and he would end up hurting both of them, if he tried. With Yutaka especially, Shou did not want to be human.

“We hang out at work all the time already”, Shou said harshly. “We should just try to have some fun, instead of wearing each other out with our constant presence.”

Yutaka unlocked the front door to his apartment and stepped inside. Shou followed him.

“I actually like spending time with you”, Yutaka said.

“I like having sex with you”, Shou said and shut the door behind himself.

He stripped off his shoes and got out of his jacket.

“I just don’t like the way we do it”, Yutaka said. “On tour or after shootings or broadcasts and then you leave. It feels like it’s part of work for you.”

And that was, what Shou dreaded about humans. They had to make everything complicated. Even if they were not dating, their relationship was difficult and tied in with expectations and hurt. Shou wished he could go back to the days before he turned twelve, when he still hadn’t seen the mechanism through. He had been happier before realizing he was constantly failing to meet someone’s expectations in him.

“After work is when I need the relief the most”, he said coldly. “On my free days, I’m fine with just porn.”

“Really flattering”, Yutaka muttered.

He was getting more and more reluctant about their whole affair recently. Shou felt like Yutaka was still blaming him for his last breakup. Shou was to blame, partly. He shouldn’t have come on to Yutaka, while he was in a relationship. It was a rule they had always followed so far. But he had felt so lonely and it had been Yutaka’s decision to pick Shou over his girlfriend. Now, he was pinning his poor choice on Shou, because he felt like he wasn’t receiving enough in return for the sacrifice he had made. Shou had never made any promises, but he still felt guilty for not keeping them.

“Let’s not fight”, Shou said gentler. “It wasn’t meant as an insult. But after a stressful day, you are the only thing that helps me relax. You are the only one who really knows what I like.”

It always came a little surprising to Shou to acknowledge that it was true. Yutaka was the only person, who really understood what Shou wanted and needed from him sexually. Because, in a way, Yutaka was the only sex partner, he had ever opened up to.

It had started with a kiss somewhere in their mid-twenties and Yutaka’s promise that it would help him relax, back when Shou’s experience with sex was pretty poor to begin with. Back then, their relationship had been both greedy and hesitant. It was Shou, who had ended it the first time around. Even after it had ended with the girl, whom he had called it off for, there had been a long pause. First, Yutaka had been in a relationship and then he hadn’t been, but it still seemed as if they wouldn’t pick their fooling around back up. Until Shou had crawled into the hotel bed next to Yutaka naked one night and kissed him as if it had never ended. From then on, it had been a constant on-and-off. Breaks of months, when one of them were seeing someone, or interruptions of weeks that neither of them could really explain. But they had always fallen back onto each other as if it was inevitable and over time, Shou had become bolder and given in to his curiosity. It was Yutaka, who had helped him figure out what he really liked in bed, because after all those years, Shou had no longer been scared to ask. He had never dared to confess his preferences to any of his girlfriends. That side of him belonged only to Yutaka, because it was Yutaka, who had helped him discover it in the first place.

“You know I feel bad, treating you that way”, Yutaka said softly.

Shou knew indeed that Yutaka would have preferred for things to go differently between them. He wanted to go for dinner with Shou and he wanted to be tender with him, for the same reason he had left his girlfriend, the moment Shou asked him to.

“But it’s what I want”, Shou replied, just as quietly.

Sometimes, he felt ashamed for it, but he tried not to be. Shame was a very human emotion. Because shame was evoked, if you didn’t stick to society’s norms and values. It was part of the reason why Shou didn’t want to fit in with humanity. All those norms were suffocating him.

Yutaka met his eyes for a moment and it was so painful, that Shou almost turned his head away.

Maybe he was less than an animal. Dogs were smart, monkeys were brave. But Shou couldn’t find a way to stop hurting Yutaka that didn’t make him feel scared. On Yutaka’s face, he saw so many conflicting emotions, pain, desire, anger, even joy. When he looked at Shou, Shou saw all the things which Yutaka wanted him to be, which he hoped him to be, which he feared him to be. Interacting with humans was difficult. A relationship was never just one thing, but a tight-up web of all its possibilities.

It was Yutaka, who looked away first.

He lowered his gaze and took a step towards Shou, who was still standing in the entrance corridor.

Shou’s stomach clenched with excitement. He despised himself a little for how much he wanted it.

Without warning Yutaka grabbed him by the shoulders and drove him back against the front door. Shou hissed sharply as his back collided with the door, a sudden pain jolting through his shoulder blades.

Yutaka didn’t let go of his shoulders, but held him in place as he leaned in and kissed Shou on the lips hard.

Shou loved the way Yutaka kissed him. Most of the time, it was hard and forceful, but sometimes, it was surprisingly gentle, too. Somehow, Yutaka always seemed to guess exactly what it was that Shou needed. Today, his kiss was greedy.

Shou parted his lips, allowing his body to grow weak and letting Yutaka take control. His arms were dangling down by his side. He would have loved to touch Yutaka, to slide his hand under his shirt or to run his fingers through his hair, but he knew that he wasn’t allowed to. It was part of the game to let Yutaka decide just how much Shou could touch him.

Yutaka broke the kiss, running his hand down Shou’s side. He knew that he didn’t need to use physical force to make Shou stand still. They had agreed on this a long time ago. It was Yutaka’s duty to give orders and Shou’s duty to follow them. If he was quite honest with himself, Yutaka seemed to struggle more with fulfilling his part.

His hand reached Shou’s crotch now. His fingers ran across the fabric of his jeans so lightly, Shou could hardly sense the touch.

“Hm, already hard”, Yutaka observed and Shou felt his cheeks heating up.

After all this time, he still felt embarrassed about how excited he got, as soon as Yutaka took over being in charge. It wasn’t like he needed this kind of treatment. He got pretty excited without it, too. He had never asked any of his ex-girlfriends to boss him around and he had led more or less fulfilling sexual relationships with all of them. Even with Yutaka, it was usually a lot tamer while they were touring and the fans kept him distracted and happy. But there was something about long working hours and wondering, if they were even heading into the right direction with their new projects and a constant pressure to make the right decision for everyone, that caused Shou to crave total submission at the end of the day. After being tense for so long, entrusting himself into Yutaka’s care was the most arousing thing he could imagine.

Yutaka leaned back a little and smirked at him. There was something wicked about his smile, that always showed whenever Shou got embarrassed, as if Yutaka was pleased with his reaction. It had taken Shou years to figure out why exactly that smile turned him on so much.

Reaching down Yutaka closed his hand around Shou’s wrist firmly and stepped back, pulling Shou with him by the arm rather violently. Shou nearly stumbled, trying to keep up with Yutaka, as he dragged him towards the bedroom. The way from the front door right into Yutaka’s bedroom was the one that Shou knew best in this apartment.

Only there did Yutaka let go of him and Shou rubbed his wrist, that felt sore from Yutaka’s tight grip.

Yutaka ignored the reproachful gesture completely and reached down to unbutton Shou’s jeans. Shou felt his heartbeat picking up pace. He liked it, when Yutaka gave him the silent treatment. He liked not knowing what was going to happen next.

Usually, Shou planned everything through. The tour, the release dates, hell, he preferred to have a time table for making his breakfast. It made him feel safe to be able to plan ahead. If there was an uncertainty in his schedule, it filled him with dread and his skin started to feel uncomfortable hot and his throat seemed to tighten and he needed to remind himself to breathe.

And with Yutaka, it was similar. Even now, not knowing what would happen next made Shou slightly anxious. He could feel his body reacting by growing itchy and nervous, but having to fight down the panic made him excited, too, because he knew that he could trust Yutaka. With him around, pushing his own comfort boundaries wasn’t that scary, because Shou knew that Yutaka would put Shou’s wellbeing above everything else.

Instead of pulling down his pants, Yutaka now grabbed Shou’s upper arm to make him turn around, then he shoved him in the back so hard, that Shou fell onto the bed face down. He just managed to raise his arms to soften the collision with the mattress.

Motions like this always felt like a rehearsed choreography or maybe like a dance. Shou knew that the push alone would probably not have been enough to make him stumble, but it had enough force behind it to not leave Shou much of an option but to follow Yutaka’s lead without fighting back actively.

He was now lying flat on his stomach, his feet still touching the floor.

Yutaka put his palm between Shou’s shoulder blades, leaning onto him with his weight to hold him down. Shou’s body sunk deeper into the sheets under the pressure.

With the other hand, Yutaka reached for Shou’s pants, jerking them down so violently that it made Shou wince, because the fabric rubbed against his erection painfully.

“Stay down”, Yutaka ordered hoarsely, then the weight from Shou’s back disappeared.

Shou pressed his face into the bedsheets, lifting his legs obediently as Yutaka pulled both the jeans and his underwear over his angles.

The fact that his lower body half was fully exposed while he was still wearing a shirt, made Shou feel even more naked. He felt weirdly reduced to his function as a sexual object, but that was exactly what he wanted. He’d actually prefer it, if it was just about the sex for Yutaka, too.

As if he wanted to punish him for that thought, Yutaka slapped his hand across Shou’s bare butt. The burning sting came so surprisingly, that Shou let out a betraying hiss at the sudden pain.

Behind him Yutaka chuckled. Although he never seemed to enjoy hurting Shou, he always sounded gleeful, when Shou wasn’t able to hide his reactions.

“It’s cute when you make that noise”, he observed.

Prepared for the second blow Shou gritted his teeth. He still couldn’t keep a small, lustful moan from escaping him. Once more, he felt slightly embarrassed for how turned on he sounded while getting spanked, although Yutaka knew perfectly well how much Shou liked it. In fact, Yutaka was the only person who knew.

“Nah”, Yutaka said and Shou heard him flick his tongue. “You can do that a little louder, can’t you?”

He slapped him once more, so fiercely that Shou’s butt cheek would remain burning for a little while longer. This time, Shou did not suppress his voice, but moaned loudly, pressing his face into the sheets, so the sound came out muffled.

Yutaka gave an appreciating hum, then he walked over to the bedside table.

Shou turned his head to follow him with his eyes. He felt a little disappointed that Yutaka wasn’t going to continue.

“What, that was it?”, he assured as Yutaka got out a pack of condoms from the drawer. He looked over the shoulder to throw Shou a quick gaze.

“You were the one you couldn’t wait to get away”, he reminded him. His tone of voice was mocking, but Shou heard the spite beneath it anyway. “I’m just going to fuck you now, so I can get to eating. I’d take my time, if we had dinner first.”

Shou rolled his eyes.

“If we had dinner first, you’d eat so much, you’d be too full to do anything but nap”, he teased him.

“Get down”, Yutaka changed the topic, putting Shou in his place with a short nod.

Shou had gotten up on his elbows to be able to watch Yutaka move around.

With a quiet sigh Shou lay down flatly again, his face down so he wasn’t able to look at Yutaka anymore. He knew he was being punished for trying to joke it off.

Behind himself he heard footsteps and then the clattering of a belt being unbuckled.

“Hold on”, he said and tried to turn his head again without raising it. It didn’t really work and he couldn’t see what Yutaka was doing. “You were serious? No more foreplay? No more preparation?”

“You wish”, Yutaka said and now he definitely sounded gleeful.

Without saying anything else he walked up behind Shou and a moment later, Shou could sense Yutaka’s hard dick pressing against his butt.

Shou inhaled sharply. He could already feel the tip against his opening clearly and for a second, he considered to beg Yutaka to wait, because his body didn’t feel ready yet to take him in. But then, begging would have been against the rules.

Not that they had ever put anything down formally, but they had talked about it. Shou knew from experience, that if he asked Yutaka to stop or to slow down, he would do so without arguing and without getting annoyed. But it was Shou’s obligation to take as much as he could, before giving up. It was part of the game to let Yutaka push him just a little bit further than he felt comfortable with. If he gave up every time it got slightly inconvenient, there wouldn’t be much of a point to this. Yutaka respected it, when Shou asked him to stop, because he knew that Shou would only ask, if there was really no way, he could take it. It was part of their deal and they had to trust each other to stick to it. Yutaka trusted Shou to try his best and Shou trusted Yutaka not to force more of him.

And Shou knew that he was able to take Yutaka in without preparation. They often skipped on it during tour, when they had sex pretty regularly anyway. And Yutaka’s penis wasn’t even that big, which also made it easier. But it had been almost a week since they had been together for the last time and Shou could already sense the stretch from the head of Yutaka’s dick pressing against him. In general, he wasn’t opposed to a little bit of pain, but …

Yutaka pushed forward and Shou howled at the first stretch, but then he felt his body adjusting and his voice turned into a pleased moan, as he felt the familiar slide.

“Good”, Yutaka praised him, before he started thrusting his hips forward steadily.

Shou clenched his hands into the bedsheets and his eyelids started to flutter as if he had no control over them whatsoever. Yutaka’s movements were just rough enough to add that little extra bit of excitement without the pain making it unpleasant.

Shou moaned unrestrained. Behind him, he heard Yutaka gasp and moan as well.

Shou loved it, when Yutaka fucked him like that. There was something raw and primal about it, and Shou’s entire body felt so good, but he also felt used. And then, he felt like that might be enough. Like maybe the pleasure he brought Yutaka was enough to redeem his existence.

Usually, he felt like he had to prove himself all the time. He needed to write the best songs, so the fans would be happy. He had to earn the most money, so his parents wouldn’t think he was a failure. He had to put the most effort into his looks, so someone would think he was pretty and worthy of love.

Just when he was with Yutaka like this, those things stopped mattering. Because all he had to do to please Yutaka was to follow orders. And those orders weren’t complicated like a girl saying “call me when you are free” and Shou not understanding if she wanted him to call immediately even when he was busy, or when he was free so they could meet up, or wait even if he was free not to seem too desperate. The orders from Yutaka were simple. Stay down. Take off your shirt. Stick out your tongue. There was relief in their simplicity. Even a dog would be able to follow simple orders like that.

Shou felt Yutaka shifting his weight. He propped up one of his knees on the mattress next to Shou, so the angle allowed him to go in deeper. His pace slowed down a bit, but Shou could sense his hot, throbbing dick all the way now and he moaned, trying to squirm a little to rub his own erection against the sheets below him. He was so hard, that it was becoming painful and he just wanted relief. Sometimes, he managed to cum without touching himself, just by creating a rubbing against the sheets and feeling Yutaka inside of him.

Yutaka’s voice was turning hoarser now and Shou assumed that he was close as well, but he grabbed Shou’s hips with one hand, stopping his motions, after obviously guessing Shou’s intent. Shou wondered if he might be able to cum just like that, too.

There was nothing else on his mind. All he could focus on was how good he felt and how he would be able to get himself some sort of relief. He was completely reduced to a physical need and while it lasted, he was convinced, that this was enough. Fucking and sleeping and eating and not proving himself to anyone and not trying to navigate his way through the entangled web of human relationships. When he was with Yutaka, he felt like an animal and like maybe, that was all he needed to be.

Shou tried to move his hips again, pressing them down onto the bed harder, hoping that just the pressure against his hard dick would help him cum already.

But just then, Yutaka pulled back.

Shou let out a low whine, convinced that Yutaka was punishing him for trying to get off without his permission. For a moment, Shou’s hole felt weirdly open and exposed.

Yutaka grabbed his shoulder and guided Shou to roll over.

“Turn around”, he said.

Shou exhaled with relief, realizing that Yutaka was not meaning to deny Shou his orgasm but just wanted to change positions. Shou shouldn’t have been surprised. Yutaka preferred looking at his face while they had sex.

Obediently Shou rolled onto his back, pulling up his legs to allow Yutaka between them without needing further instructions.

Yutaka’s dick slipped in easily this time, since Shou was already loose. Shou moaned when he felt him inside again.

Yutaka looked down onto him.

At first, Shou had been surprised to realize this, but actually, he also preferred looking at Yutaka’s face while they had sex.

Because his face changed whenever they were together like this.

Usually, Yutaka looked at him with a mixture of pain and longing and anger and affection and a lot of other things that Shou could not quite pin down. But during sex, all he saw on Yutaka’s face was desire. His expression turned grimmer and his eyes seemed darker somehow. And Shou could tell, that Yutaka wanted him so much, that he didn’t care if Shou would stay afterwards and he didn’t care if he would be hurt and if they would ever have dinner together at a nice restaurant. During sex, all the human emotions and worries and thoughts seemed to disappear from Yutaka’s mind and he turned into an animal with only one craving. While they had sex, Shou wanted Yutaka and Yutaka wanted Shou and for a short while, that was all there was to it.

Shou loved looking at Yutaka’s animal side, because then, for a little bit, everything became easy and Yutaka wasn’t disappointed in him. During sex was the only time, that Shou actually managed to please him and live up to what he expected from him. That was why he loved following Yutaka’s orders. That was why he loved being used by him. That was why he loved meeting his eyes during sex. For a short while, Shou was not failing him.

Yutaka grabbed Shou’s leg, forcing it up a little higher to change his angle. He was pounding him harder now and Shou was trembling all over, gasping for air and his body feeling hot and blissful.

Yutaka gave him a short nod.

“Go ahead”, he said breathlessly. “Touch yourself, if you want to.”

Relieved Shou reached down and closed his hand around his own cock, stroking himself. He tried to match Yutaka’s pace, but didn’t really manage anyway. His own movements were jerky and imprecise. He felt so good, though, and he enjoyed the way Yutaka looked down on him, watching Shou stroking himself with greed and obvious arousal.

Shou moaned loudly as the orgasm hit him and Yutaka kept pounding him through it. For a second, it felt like his body was going to burst with sensations, but then it just washed over him and he only felt good.

Yutaka pulled back with a last groan and then stepped back from between Shou’s legs.

Shou put them down immediately, his whole body feeling sweaty and sore and he just wanted to lie on his back and rest. He pushed himself a little farther onto the bed, closed his eyes and waited for his breath to even out.

After a moment, Yutaka sat down next to him and gently started to clean Shou up. Shou did not dare to open his eyes. Yutaka’s touch felt so careful and tender, Shou was scared of the way Yutaka might look at him.

Eventually, Yutaka lay down next to Shou, his breath still coming heavy. Shou could hear it clearly in the silence of the room.

Yutaka reached out and draped his arm across Shou’s chest.

Shou blinked lazily and extended his hand to place it on top of Yutaka’s head.

He had been reluctant about cuddling after sex at first, but usually, he was too lazy to get up immediately anyway. And he had figured that Yutaka needed this.

Seemingly encouraged by the touch, Yutaka rolled over and snuggled up against Shou’s side.

Shou adjusted his position, so his hand kept resting against the top of Yutaka’s head. He stroked his hair lightly.

Shou had the feeling that Yutaka was expecting him to say something. He usually turned back to human fast. Faster than Shou, who secretly wished to stay in animal form all the time.

After what Shou deemed the appropriate amount of time to not seem rude, he carefully started to free himself from Yutaka’s embrace to sit up. He never managed to endure his cuddles for longer than a few minutes. Just the amount of time it took him to catch his breath again, really.

“You’re leaving?”, Yutaka assured and he clearly sounded disappointed.

Shou pretended to search the floor for his pants, so he didn’t have to meet Yutaka’s eyes.

“It’s kind of late already”, he observed. “I still need to go home and cook.”

“We could also go over to that sushi place”, Yutaka tried again. “It’s a hassle to cook for yourself once you get home.”

Shou shrugged and pulled up his pants.

He thought of going to a restaurant with Yutaka. Being seen with him in public. Even if no one knew it was a date, Yutaka would assume it was. There was something formal about going out for dinner, that came with a lot of unspoken rules and assumed promises and secret expectations, that Shou was never able to see through. He always kept wondering, if he was doing it right, until he messed up because he had been so busy wondering, that he had missed the part where he was actually supposed to act.

He buttoned his pants.

“No, really”, he said. “I think it’s better if I leave.”

Yutaka, who suddenly seemed to realize that Shou was already fully dressed and therefore on his way out, jumped up.

“I’ll see myself out”, Shou said and walked over to the bedroom door. Somehow, Yutaka seeing him off always made him feel uncomfortable. It had something formal about it, too, as if acknowledging what had just happened between them. Sometimes, Shou wished he would be able to sneak out the door without Yutaka even noticing.

“No, no, wait, I’ll take you to the door”, Yutaka said and fumbled with his pants to pull them up. Though usually, he was quite skilled with his movements, he was being to hasty now and nearly fell over as he tried to get dressed fast enough to walk Shou to the door. It would have looked comical, if it hadn’t been so sad at the same time.

Shou turned his head and walked into the corridor without waiting for Yutaka, because he couldn’t bear to see him try so desperately.

He approached the front door without turning back, although he heard Yutaka come after him, obviously still struggling with his belt.

“Well, maybe another time”, Yutaka called out as Shou reached for the door handle to open the front door.

Shou froze, furrowing his brow.

“What?”, he asked irritated.

“Sushi”, Yutaka added hastily. “Maybe we go another time.”

He sounded scatty now, so different from when they were together in bed. As soon as it wasn’t about sex anymore, their dynamics changed completely. Shou wished he knew how to explain to Yutaka, that it was for the best. That even if he loved him, Shou was not compatible with humans and that it was wiser to keep his distance.

“Maybe”, he said, not knowing how else to spare Yutaka’s feelings. They both knew that it meant no.

Shou pulled open the door and stepped outside, inhaling the fresh air deeply. Whenever he left Yutaka’s place, his throat felt tight and his eyes seemed to be burning with heat. It felt like he was about to cry every time. Maybe his apartment was irritable stuffy.

He pulled the door shut behind himself, so Yutaka wouldn’t have to close it for him. Also, so Yutaka wouldn’t get the idea to come after him. Then he turned towards the staircase.

He didn’t understand why humans had to do this to themselves and to each other. Animals seemed happier. Children seemed happier.

And yet, Shou caught himself craving that special bond, that only humans were able to form among each other. He wanted to fall asleep next to Yutaka. He wanted to go out for sushi with him. He wanted to call him even on his free days and chat about nothing in particular. He wanted to hold his hand sometimes and sometimes give him space. But he was scared that he wouldn’t find the right timing for any of those things.

Shou walked down the stairs, slowly, because his legs still felt tired and his body drained.

But it was him, who had broken the rules first. He had asked Yutaka to be with him, while he was seeing someone. And he had been happy, when Yutaka had ended his relationship with that woman. Because Shou had gotten lonely and he had wanted a relationship with another human being. Not any human being. He had wanted to be with Yutaka, in all the complicated ways that came with getting close to someone.

Shou pushed open the door to the building and stepped outside, but then he hesitated. He couldn’t bring himself to let the door fall shut and lock himself out.

When he thought of coming home, cooking dinner for himself and then falling asleep alone, he almost couldn’t bear it. It was a dog’s life.

And he thought of taking a shower at Yutaka’s place and of watching tv with him and of wrapping his arms around him before falling asleep. And he thought of waking up next to him and he thought of having breakfast together and of Yutaka making fun of how bad his hair looked right after waking up.

And Shou concluded that – in spite of all – he wanted to be human.

He turned around and stared at the stairs for a moment.

Even if it was complicated and even if he would fail, he couldn’t keep going like this. He was hurting himself and he was hurting Yutaka, desperate to keep both of them safe. He was too scared to make a change, when really, he had made it the moment he had asked Yutaka to break up with his girlfriend.

Because it wasn’t just Yutaka, who had complicated feelings. Shou was scared of ruining his relationship with Yutaka, if he tried. He was scared of Yutaka getting tired of him and breaking his heart. He was scared of what the others would say. He was scared if they would be able to keep it a secret from the public permanently. But he was also happy when he met Yutaka at work after being apart from him for a couple of days. He was happy when Yutaka kissed him. He was happy, when there were no separate beds at a hotel during the tour and they had to sleep next to each other. He was happy when Yutaka shouted at him in his joking manner and when he slapped the back of his head.

A dog would never be able to experience that kind of happiness.

Shou inhaled deeply, then he walked the stairs back up.

He wondered if Yutaka would be glad, that he came back. He wondered if Yutaka would be mad, that he had left in the first place.

Shou walked up to the front door of Yutaka’s apartment.

Before he could change his mind, he pressed his finger onto the doorbell and held it for a long time. Then he pulled back and waited.

He waited for so long, that his mouth started to taste weirdly metallic, as if he had run too fast, although he was standing perfectly still.

Finally, the door was opened and Yutaka stood in front of him, naked except for a towel wrapped around his waist. His hair was still dry, so Shou assumed he had just stopped him from stepping under the shower.

“Oh, Shou”, Yutaka said softly. “You forgot something?”

Shou forced himself to meet Yutaka’s eyes. And he saw so many things enwritten in them. He saw hope that Shou had changed his mind and come back for him. He saw fear that Shou had indeed just forgotten something and that it meant nothing. He saw anger, both at Shou and at himself, for inflicting the hope. He saw happiness, just because it meant spending a few more moments with Shou. He saw worry and angst and joy and weariness and desire and jealousy and he saw love.

Yutaka had the most human eyes he had ever seen.

“I’m not going to that stupid Sushi restaurant with you”, Shou clarified.

Because a restaurant seemed like another code that Shou didn’t understand. And he wouldn’t know what people expected of him, once he took Yutaka out to a nice dinner. And he wouldn’t know how to handle the glances and the whole situation, that seemed to include so many other humans and all their personal webs of relationships.

He couldn’t get used to humans, but over the years, he had gotten used to Yutaka. He had learned to trust him and he was the only one, with whom Shou felt safe as an animal. If he tried to be human with someone for a change, he wanted to try with Yutaka.

Shou lowered his gaze and smiled shyly.

Shou was too far away to overhear what they were talking about, but he could see Yutaka laughing. He used his charming laugh, the one where he showed all of his teeth. The hair was clinging to the sides of his face. Yutaka looked pretty.

The surf instructor had given him special treatment all day.

Shou had pretended not to notice and during the video shoot for the DVD extra, it hadn’t become very obvious either. But he had praised Yutaka more than he had praised anyone else and he had given him tips, when all he had for Shou was a variety of pitiful looks.

And now, they were laughing together. Shou wondered what they were talking about and tried not to care.

He crossed the arms in front of his chest. In spite of the wetsuit he felt cold. The weather wasn’t too bad, although a soft drizzle was still raining down on them. Shou couldn’t wait to take a hot shower and change into comfortable clothes.

Unfortunately, he had lost during the game of rock-paper-scissor and now had to wait outside the small building erected next to the surfing area. It contained four showers, two for men, two for women, and although they were the only guests today, due to politics, they weren’t allowed to use the female bathing area.

Shou hadn’t minded all that much to let Jun and Kenji go first, but now that he had to watch Yutaka flirt with the surfer dude, his mood dropped rapidly.

The guy was young and sporty. Of course, he was sporty, he worked as a surf instructor. He was sporty like Yutaka and Kenji. But that wasn’t what bothered Shou the most. What really bothered him was the guy’s hair. In spite of getting in and out of the water all day, it was still in great shape. With Kenji’s hair, Shou understood. He had braided it neatly to make sure it stayed in place even when getting wet. But that guy just had it stay in shape naturally somehow. Shou wondered what kind of hairspray he was using. His own hair was all over the place. Clinging to his forehead and still sticking up in weird places. Yutaka’s hair looked much the same, but he had a natural grace that made up for it. Their surf instructor still looked like he was taking part in a surf model campaign. Shou wished to shave him bald. Next to that man, he felt even uglier and clumsier than usual. He hoped Yutaka would stop talking to him soon.

Next to him to door swung open and Kenji stepped out of the container building, followed by Jun. Kenji’s hair was still up in braids, but Jun had dried his hair. The purple looked brighter again. Both of them had changed back into regular clothes. Jun was fumbling with an umbrella.

“Your turn”, Kenji announced. “I left the body wash in the shower, since I figured you didn’t bring your own.”

Shou shook his head shortly and glared over to Yutaka again. He was still chatting with their instructor, but luckily neither of them was laughing anymore. Shou wished Yutaka would laugh at no one’s jokes but his.

“Come on, dumbass!”, he called out. “Showers are free.”

Then he turned around as if he didn’t care if Yutaka was coming along or not.

He entered a corridor and went through the door, which was marked as the one leading to the men’s showers. There was a small room with lockers, where they had stored their clothes earlier. Shou figured that he was supposed to take off his wetsuit before entering the shower.

Someone entered the locker room behind him.

Shou turned around and didn’t even try to hide his annoyed expression.

“Made new friends?”, he asked huffily.

Yutaka shrugged.

“We talked about surfing”, he said and reached for the zipper of his wetsuit. Somehow, he managed to reach it effortless, although it was on his back.

Shou watched Yutaka pull down the wetsuit to his hips, so his upper body was bare now.

“I think he was flirting with you”, Shou pointed out. “He was watching you all day.”

Yutaka rolled his eyes.

“He was watching all of us”, he clarified. “Because that’s his job. It’s not my fault I’m the most talented athlete among us and caught his eye.”

Shou hesitated.

“So, what did he say to you just now?”, he wanted to know.

Yutaka eyed him for a moment, as if he wasn’t sure, if the question really deserved an answer.

“He said I got talent and if I wanted to drop by sometime in the evenings, he’d give me private lessons for free.”

“Uh-huh!”, Shou exclaimed triumphantly. “Free private lessons my ass. That’s clearly a code for sex.”

Yutaka sighed heavily.

His sighing made Shou feel even colder for a moment. He wasn’t scared of Yutaka getting annoyed with him. They usually fought it out. But that sigh meant something else, something far scarier. It meant Yutaka was about to get fed up with him.

“Not every man I meet is a potential threat. Most of them probably don’t care for other guys at all. I’m a fun guy. He just wanted to make friends with someone who enjoys his passion, too. You need to stop being so jealous all the time.”

“Jealous?”, Shou muttered and tried to reach the zipper on his back. “Why would I be jealous? Oh, look at me, I’m a human surf board, because my body tension is so great, because I’m sporty and have muscles and also, I’m trying to get some alone time with your boyfriend. But hey, no reason to worry.”

Shou kept feeling for the zipper, but somehow, he couldn’t reach it with his hand. Why had it looked so easy when Yutaka had done it? And why was his wetsuit colour like this anyway? Kenji and Jun had looked great in their black suits. Their shoulders had looked especially wide today. Admittedly, the colour wouldn’t have changed much about Shou’s body type. But he still felt like he looked ridiculous and small in the grey one. Also, who put the zippers on the back of those suits? Were you only allowed to enjoy water sports, if you had friends?

Yutaka watched him in amusement for a while.

Shou lowered his arms in defeat.

“I just don’t like him”, he said sulkily.

“Don’t be like that”, Yutaka said. “He was patient with us all day. And he is pretty funny, actually.”

“Great”, Shou muttered. “Not just hot, funny moreover. Now, that helps me not to worry.”

“If you think he is so hot”, Yutaka said mockingly. “I could ask him for a threesome, you know? He was flirting with me a little indeed, so he might be interested.”

Shou bared his teeth in annoyance and tried to reach for the zipper again. He felt ridiculous. Not sporty, messy hair, not even able to take off a wetsuit by himself. It was only a matter of time until Yutaka left him for an active, fun guy like that. He wished Yutaka wouldn’t joke about it.

“Come on”, Yutaka said, suddenly sounding gentle. “Let me do that for you.”

Shou hesitated, but then he realized he would need Yutaka’s help anyway.

Reluctantly, he lowered his arms again and turned around, so Yutaka could access his back.

He sensed him pull down the zipper, but he did so very slowly, as if he wanted to drag out the moment.

“You know”, Yutaka said quietly. “In spite of what all those romantic comedies tell you, jealousy is not a very attractive character trait in a man.”

Shou stared down onto the floor. It was tiled and clean.

“I know”, he admitted in a small voice. “I’m just insecure.”

Yutaka’s hands let go of the zipper and went up to gently touch Shou’s shoulders. Even through the fabric of the suit, his touch felt warm. Now, that the zipper was open, Shou’s back was starting to feel cold. He did not turn his head to look at Yutaka.

“Shou”, Yutaka said lowly. “It’s almost six months now. Can you please stop doubting, if I’m really attracted to you?”

Shou wanted to shrug, but suppressed the impulse, worried that it would seem as if he was trying to brush off Yutaka’s touch. He liked it when Yutaka touched him gently like that.

“It’s not that easy”, he mumbled.

Shou wished nothing more than to be able to just switch off his jealousy like that. But even after more than five months, he still had problems accepting how their relationship had changed. He was so used to seeing Yutaka flirt and take off with other people, while secretly hurting inside, that he still couldn’t quite believe, that this time around, Yutaka would stay. He hadn’t grown used to the thought yet, that Yutaka was no longer out of his reach.

“We don’t exactly have a lot of hobbies in common”, Shou went on. “I’m worried, you’ll realize that you actually want someone with whom you can go surfing and such.”

Yutaka chuckled behind him. He ran his hands from Shou’s shoulders down to his waist.

“You didn’t do half bad today”, he reminded him lowly.

“Well, I guess I didn’t drown”, Shou admitted dryly.

Yutaka laughed more loudly this time.

“You seemed to have fun”, he said.

Shou exhaled soundly.

“I did”, he admitted and turned around. Yutaka let go of his hips. “I did not expect it, but I really did have fun. Until surfer boy started hitting on you anyway.”

Yutaka snorted.

“Come on, he is alright”, he said.

Shou made a face and stepped backwards.

“Fine, you win”, he agreed and started to strip out of the wetsuit. “Let’s just take a shower and then head home. After doing sports all day, I deserve some snuggling up on the couch.”

“Well, as long as you plan to snuggle up to me”, Yutaka said and took off his wetsuit as well.

Nudity had turned out to be less of a deal between them than Shou had originally feared. He had thought he would feel embarrassed, once they were dating, or that he wouldn’t be able to look at Yutaka without getting turned on anymore. But he was so used to stealing quick, sly glances without letting it show, that if anything, Yutaka’s naked body had become less intimidating to him. As long as it was during work, nudity was pretty casual for them.

Shou followed Yutaka into the actual shower. For some reason, it had taken him longer to take off the wetsuit without falling over.

The shower was really just one room with two showerheads fixed to the wall and a low separating wall between them. There were no doors and Shou was pretty sure that the separating wall was just there as an alibi as well. A tall person like Kenji could easily look over it for sure.

Yutaka had already switched on the shower to the left and Shou went to turn on the second one. He held his hand under the water jet, worried that it would be cold. Luckily, the water temperature was warm and pleasant right away. Shou stepped under the water, letting it run over his sore body.

Today had been fun. Shou had been a little clumsy on the surf board, but the others had fallen into the water as often as him and everyone had laughed a lot. If it was in a group, Shou could even imagine coming here again. In a group, you didn’t run the risk of direct comparison so much.

But nonetheless did his body feel tired now after straining his muscles for several hours. Of course, it was much the same after a concert and running around on stage for hours, but Shou wasn’t used to surfing and he had used muscles today, which usually he didn’t use much. He could feel that clearly now.

He tilted back his head to let the water run over his face and down the back of his head.

Then he looked around on the floor for shampoo. Since he didn’t spot a bottle anywhere, he stepped closer to the separating wall to check if Yutaka had found the one that Kenji had left behind.

To look over the wall, Shou had to get on his toes.

Yutaka’s hair was already all foamed up. He loved to create silly hairstyles under the shower. Shou smiled while he watched him. Yutaka wasn’t paying attention to him.

He was holding on to a shampoo bottle, which was for hair and body all in one. Usually, Shou didn’t like those soaps much, since they left his hair brittle and entangled, but when they were out together, the members normally shared a bottle like this. All of them were too lazy to carry around more than was absolutely necessary.

Yutaka took to soaping his body now, without washing his hair first. The shower was still running, but he had stepped away from under it.

Shou followed Yutaka’s hands, running down his chest and his arms. He decided, that maybe he wasn’t quite as indifferent to Yutaka’s nudity as he had claimed to be.

Yutaka was beautiful. Shou had felt that for a long time already. The funny thing was, that all of his fantasies had circled around his good looks for years. Shou had daydreamed about how amazing the sex with Yutaka would be. And how it would be less painful to see someone flirting with Yutaka, if he knew that Yutaka belonged to him and he didn’t have to worry. He had imagined what it would be like to be allowed to watch Yutaka freely when he was naked, instead of trying to act indifferent.

But Shou was still jealous, whenever someone flirted with Yutaka. And he still felt guilty watching him sometimes. And the sex was great, but different from what Shou had imagined it to be. Less heated, most of all, rather intimate.

The things that Shou had imagined to be the best, had turned out completely differently. And the best things were the ones, that Shou had not even considered. Yutaka’s sleepy face at the breakfast table. How he played with Shou’s hair, while they watched tv. The way his voice sounded, when he whispered into Shou’s ear.

Yutaka turned his head.

“Oi, pervert, why are you watching me?!”, he exclaimed and reached down to cover his dick immediately.

Shou chuckled.

“I’m sorry”, he said. “I need the soap.”

Yutaka stared down onto the shampoo bottle as if he had completely forgotten, that he was still holding it.

“One moment”, he said and looked up again. “But give me some privacy, will you? You are the worst.”

Shou stuck out his tongue, but stepped away from the separating wall anyway.

He tilted back his head again and closed his eyes, enjoying the relaxing feeling of the hot water on his skin.

After a moment, he heard Yutaka turn off his shower. Shou wondered, if he was already finished and would leave now. Usually, Yutaka enjoyed long showers.

Shou opened his eyes again, blinking against the streaming water.

Yutaka had walked around the separating wall and now stood in front of Shou, just where the water couldn’t reach him. He was dripping wet.

With a cheeky grin Yutaka held up the shampoo bottle.

“Give it to me”, Shou demanded and reached out.

Yutaka pulled back, before Shou could get his hands onto the bottle.

“Nah, you’ll have to work for that”, he said.

Shou hoped that the water did enough to cover his blushing.

“Don’t come under here”, he protested and took a step backwards. The wall was against his back now. “Someone might walk in on us any minute.”

“Come on”, Yutaka said lowly and took another step forward. Since Shou had backed off, he was not standing beneath the hot water stream anymore and his wet body was starting to feel cold. Yutaka must be feeling cold as well.

“It’s not like they will check on their customers under the shower, that wouldn’t be good for business. And if Jun and Kenji come back, well. I’m sure they have caught on by now anyway. Actually, I think it’s time we tell them.”

Shou resisted the urge to step under the water again to warm himself up. It would bring him closer to Yutaka again.

It was true, that they hadn’t told Jun and Kenji yet, although the constant sneaking around wasn’t working out too well. They had probably figured it out for themselves by now. But Shou still felt reluctant about telling them anyway. He wasn’t entirely convinced that it would last. If they told them, it would be even more humiliating once Yutaka left him.

“Just because they know, doesn’t mean they want to see us fucking in the shower”, Shou pointed out.

Yutaka raised his eyebrows mockingly.

“Who said anything about fucking? I thought you might give me a kiss. Or just ask politely. But if you are so eager, we could …”

Shou shook his head to interrupt him.

“Asking politely”, he snorted. “If you had told me that ten years ago, I would have gone down on my knees to plead, but you’re a little late for that.”

Yutaka licked his lips and looked down onto the floor, as if imagining Shou kneeling in the shower before him. Then he looked up again.

“Sounds exciting”, he confessed. “Why don’t you do it now?”

Shou shrugged.

“I’m not that youthful anymore”, he said. “My body is completely sore from surfing. Also, backpain.”

Yutaka laughed. There were wrinkles showing around the corner of his eyes.

“Okay, fine”, he said. “Just say please.”

Now Shou did take a step forward. The hot water splashed down on him and his freezing body felt relieved instantly. He reached out to grab Yutaka by the shoulder and pulled him towards himself.

Yutaka followed the invitation and stepped forward, driving Shou back against the wall. The water was now pouring over Yutaka, dripping from the tips of his hair and down his body, that was pressing against Shou. The tiled wall against Shou’s back was cold, but Yutaka’s skin against his was warm, so this time, Shou minded less. Yutaka dropped the shampoo bottle. It hit the floor with a clattering sound.

Shou ran his hands down Yutaka’s shoulders. The water made his skin feel smooth and easy to slide over.

He pulled Yutaka even closer and kissed him greedily. His lips were wet, but so were Shou’s. Yutaka opened his mouth and the kiss turned even wetter as Shou pushed his tongue forward demandingly.

After a moment, Shou broke the kiss, bringing his lips close to Yutaka’s ear.

“Please?”, he whispered mockingly.

Yutaka exhaled soundly and leaned back to get a better look at Shou’s face.

Shou felt excited and turned on, but in spite of Yutaka’s body heat, he was starting to feel cold again. He would probably freeze less, if he was actually dry.

“Now, that was already pretty exciting”, Yutaka said and grinned.

His hair looked really dark, plastered to his forehead like that and water still running over it.

“I think one of us needs to pick up the soap”, Shou joked.

Yutaka chuckled, but then his expression turned more serious.

“Do you really regret we didn’t do this sooner?”, he wanted to know.

Shou sighed. He tried to avoid Yutaka’s eyes.

“I’m just scared you’ll leave me for someone more adventurous eventually”, Shou admitted quietly. “Someone like surfer boy. You could do fun outdoor activities together on your free days. And I’m not up for that. You’ll leave me for someone, who actually enjoys threesomes and shower sex.”

Yutaka chuckled again.

“Now, don’t talk like your life is already over. We’re not that old yet”, he said.

Shou shook his head and rubbed his lower arm awkwardly. As exciting as kissing him had felt just now, Shou really wished Yutaka would leave soon, so he could step under the shower alone again and warm himself up properly, before going home.

“It’s not just the age”, he said. “I’m lame. That’s the problem. I’m worried you’ll get bored with me.”

He was staring at Yutaka’s shoulder instead of his face. He kept his eyes fixed on a small birthmark there.

Yutaka cleared his throat. Shou had the feeling that he wanted Shou to look at him, but he didn’t.

“You know I already tried those things”, Yutaka said. “I dated people who would do sports with me. And I had threesomes and shower sex.”

Shou made a face. He hadn’t done any of those things yet and he wished Yutaka wouldn’t point out his experience. It made Shou feel like he would disappoint him for sure, because he couldn’t live up to his expectations.

“But neither of those things made the relationships last”, Yutaka concluded. “They didn’t make me happy. Sure, spicing things up a little can be fun sometimes.”

Now Yutaka did reach out as if he was fed up with Shou avoiding his gaze. He took hold of his chin gently and turned his face. Shou met his eyes.

“But it’s not enough to keep a relationship going. If you always have to go out somewhere and do something special together, or if you need to try new sex stuff all the time, but can’t talk to each other properly, it’s not going to last. What really makes me happy, is to watch how awkwardly you unfold a blanket, so we can both snuggle up on the couch together underneath. So, let’s go home and do exactly that.”

He let go of Shou’s chin and Shou nodded hesitantly.

“Okay”, he said quietly.

“Also, shower sex?”, Yutaka asked and pointed at the shower head above. “A shower is not made for two people. Let me tell you, during sex our limps will be half outside the water all the time and it’s cold and uncomfortable.”

Shou laughed quietly.

“Yeah, I’m cold right now”, he admitted.

“Oh, so you are cold?!”, Yutaka exclaimed loudly. “My butt is freezing back here.”

Shou laughed louder and put his hands onto Yutaka’s shoulders again.

He felt calm and like maybe this was going to be alright. Maybe he didn’t have to fight off all the guys, who could offer something more exciting to Yutaka. Because in the end, the best parts of this relationship weren’t the big, exciting things. It were the small, intimate moments, the shared laughs and shared blankets.

“You know, if you want to take some extra surfing classes”, Shou said. “I wouldn’t mind. I mean, if it’s for free. It could be fun for you.”

Yutaka nodded back to the door.

“Extra classes from that douchebag?”, he assured. “No way. Have you seen his hair? I don’t trust a man whose hair stays in such great shape during surfing. What is he trying to do? Make me feel inferior for going bald?”

Shou laughed.

“You claimed he was nice!”, he shouted.

“I was just trying to make a point”, Yutaka said dismissively and then grinned widely. “Actually, I hate him. That hair makes me jealous as fuck. Now, come here.”

Shou shook his head still laughing and allowed Yutaka to pull him close again. Yutaka wrapped his arms around Shou’s waist and buried his head against his neck. Shou stepped away from the wall and wrapped his arms around Yutaka, too.

The touch wasn’t exciting, but entirely soothing. All they were doing, was to hold on to one another and it wasn’t grand and it wasn’t special, but those were the best parts of their relationship anyway.

„Hey, wait, before you go …“, Yutaka called out to the hypnotizer.

The cameras had already been removed. Shou had been about to head to the dressing room to remove his makeup and then go home. But he stopped short, eyeing Yutaka warily.

“You can make us admit to things from our subconsciousness, right?”

The hypnotizer looked at him as warily as Shou did. He was still pretty young. When they had called in a hypnotizer, Shou had imagined someone older. He had also imagined them to have a long, white beard. Honestly, in his mind, Shou had imagined someone who looked like a magician.

In spite of his young age, the hypnotizer looked completely exhausted. He had worked hard for his money today. There had been a lot of screaming involved in the video shoot.

“Yeah”, he admitted.

Yutaka clapped his hands.

“Cool. Can you hypnotize me into saying where I left my mobile? I can’t recall where I put it, but my subconsciousness ought to remember, right?”

Jun sighed heavily.

“You can’t be serious”, he said.

Shou rolled his eyes as well.

“That’s not his job, Yutaka”, he said. “Remember where you leave your stuff. Or search harder.”

Yutaka raised his fist as if asking for a fight. There was always something challenging about his movements.

“Come on, we already paid. Why not take advantage of it?”

He looked at the hypnotizer and raised his brows.

Shou huffed and shrugged. Yutaka was the worst. Constantly forgetting stuff. Stealing their time. Talking back as if it was his right to be as annoying as he was. Shou wondered how he managed to be popular with women. Whenever Shou met one of Yutaka’s girlfriends, he just wanted to tell them to run.

“I could technically do that”, the hypnotizer admitted hesitantly. “It wouldn’t even take long.”

“Great”, Yutaka said and beamed.

“Oh, I want to see this”, Kenji cheered.

Shou wondered if it would be rude to return to the dressing room already. He really wanted to go home.

But Kenji and Jun were gathering next to Yutaka and looked so curious, that Shou figured they had turned this into a group activity now.

“Close your eyes”, the hypnotizer ordered. Yutaka did as he was told. “Listen to my voice. Relax. Let your mind go blank. Once I clap my hands, you will tell me where you left your phone.”

He clapped his hands.

“I left it in the fridge this morning”, Yutaka said without hesitation.

He sounded perfectly awake.

Shou would have liked to assume it was nothing but a joke. But that dude had hypnotized him into eating Natto and he hated Natto. Anything was possible. And leaving your phone in the fridge sounded too stupid to make it up. It also sounded just like the dumb kind of thing that dumb Yutaka would do.

“Wake up”, the hypnotizer said and clapped his hands once more.

Yutaka opened his eyes.

“Where is it? Where’s my phone?”, he asked.

“You don’t remember saying anything?”, Jun assured incredulous.

“No!”, Yutaka exclaimed. “I said something?”

“You left it in the fridge this morning, moron”, Shou said and huffed once more.

Yutaka chuckled.

“Oh yeah, that happened before.”

Shou tried not to roll his eyes again. He couldn’t believe he had wasted his time for this.

“Me too, me too!”, Kenji shouted excited.

“What, you lost your phone, too?”, Shou assured.

He was aware that he sounded annoyed for no reason, but somehow the joking enthusiasm of his bandmates got on his nerves. Life seemed so easy for them most of the time.

“There was this really cute woman about fifteen years ago. He wrote down her number on a piece of paper, but I lost it. Can you make me recall the number? I’ve seen it!”

“You want to call up a woman you haven’t seen in fifteen years?!”, Yutaka exclaimed loudly. “She probably won’t remember you!”

“Ah, it was something special”, Kenji whined. “She might have been the love of my life.”

Shou wondered if something like that existed for him. The love of his life. At heart, Shou was a romantic. He would have liked to believe there was someone destined for him. He would have liked to believe he just hadn’t met the right woman yet. But by now, Shou was pretty much convinced that no one was meant for someone like him.

“What if she is ugly now?”, Yutaka asked. “You haven’t seen her in fifteen years!”

“You are so superficial!”, Jun scolded him. “If Kenji liked her, it shouldn’t matter, what she looks like now.”

Yutaka muttered something rude under his breath.

Shou sighed.

That was typical of Yutaka. He was a superficial, ignorant jerk, who was always after pretty women. Shou fell in love fast, but his feelings were always sincere. Yutaka had never seemed like he was in love with his girlfriends. He was usually the one to dump them.

“Fine, we can try”, the hypnotizer admitted. “But it only works, if a part of you remembers. What’s gone, is gone. Close your eyes.”

Kenji closed his eyes.

“Relax. Think of that night. Recall the woman’s face. Tell me her number, once I clap my hands.”

After the clap, everything stayed silent for a while.

Shou wondered less if Kenji would remember the number, but rather if he would actually call the woman if he did. Shou probably wouldn’t gather the courage after so long. Some things could not be patched up after missing the right timing by so many years.

But then, maybe she was the love of Kenji’s life. Shou wanted to believe that it was possible. He wanted to believe, that someone out there was waiting for him as well.

“Ah, I can’t remember”, Kenji said. “I don’t know.”

“Open your eyes”, the hypnotizer said and clapped.

Kenji opened his eyes.

“Did it work?”, he asked hopefully.

Everyone shook their heads.

“It’s my turn again!”, Yutaka jumped in after a short moment of silence. “I want to know, if it’s worth stopping by at the konbini on my way home, or if the reduced bento will be sold out again!”

He closed his eyes before even achieving the order.

The hypnotizer stared at Yutaka kind of helplessly. He cleared his throat.

“This is not magic”, he said. “I’m not a magician. I can only make things from your subconsciousness surface. I can’t magically take a look at the konbini.”

Yutaka blew out the air and opened his eyes again.

“We could try”, he insisted. “Maybe my spirit will fly out and …”

“No”, the hypnotizer interrupted him. He looked like he was done with Yutaka. Shou couldn’t blame him. Yutaka really was the worst.

Shou wondered, if there was something he wanted to know. But all the things he wanted to know were about the future. How much longer will our band last? Will I ever find true love? Will I get married? Or will I die alone?

“Hey, can I ask a question?”, he suggested.

Everyone turned to look at him.

Shou resisted the urge to cross his arms in front of his chest to shield himself against their glances.

“I want to know the name of the love of my life”, he said.

The hypnotizer looked at him like he had looked at Yutaka before. Shou didn’t think that was fair. He wasn’t nearly as dumb as Yutaka.

“I told you, I can’t predict the future”, the hypnotizer said slowly, as if talking to a child.

“Yes, but maybe I already met her”, Shou insisted. “Maybe it would have been one of my exes. Or a celebrity. Maybe I just didn’t realize she was the one yet, but my subconsciousness knows. But if I say her name, I’d know whom to go after.”

“I feel sorry for the girl whose name you say already”, Jun mumbled.

“We should try!”, Kenji agreed. “If it works on Shou, I want to try too! I want to know the name of my future wife.”

The hypnotizer shook his head slowly.

“You are only going to say what you believe to be true. It doesn’t mean you are meant to be with that person”, he pointed out.

Shou shrugged. Suddenly, it did feel like a stupid idea. Did he really believe in destiny? The sad truth was, that Shou wasn’t waiting for the love of his life. He was ready to latch on to any girl, who showed him even the least bit of kindness.

“Does that mean, if Shou had a secret crush or something, he’d reveal her name?”, Yutaka asked, suddenly sounding way too eager.

“I guess”, the hypnotizer confirmed.

Yutaka grinned maliciously.

“Oh, now we have to try. We might find out about Shou’s dark secrets. Maybe he is subconsciously attracted to someone really weird. We could make fun of him for the rest of his life.”

“That sounds fun”, Kenji agreed.

“I’m in”, Jun confirmed.

“Actually …”, Shou tried to protest, not feeling so sure about this idea anymore.

Sure, he wanted to know if there had been someone in his life, he had overlooked or just not tended to enough. He wanted to know if there was something like true love and if he had a shot at it. And if it didn’t work, he was just going to stay silent. It wasn’t like anything could happen, which would cause his friends to make even more fun of him than they usually did.

“Alright”, he gave in with a small sigh.

“Fine, close your eyes”, the hypnotizer said and looked right at Shou.

Shou closed his eyes. The man’s voice was soothing. Everything went black.

Then a loud clap startled him. Shou opened his eyes.

“Did something happen?”, he asked. It felt like he had only blinked.

“You mean, you don’t remember?”, Yutaka asked carefully.

“No”, Shou said. “It’s like no time has passed. Did you even ask me? Did I say something?”

He looked around into everyone’s faces and only now realized they were staring at Shou as if he had just told them he was going to die.

Kenji looked pitiful. Jun looked horrified. Yutaka’s expression was completely blank, as if he couldn’t believe what he just heard. The hypnotizer looked like he just wanted to be home already.

“What is it?”, Shou asked. “Did I claim that I will die sad and alone?”

He tried to make it sound like a joke, but at least it would explain the grim faces. Maybe it was, what Shou really believed. There was no one for him. The love of Shou’s life did not exist.

For another moment, everyone stayed silent.

It was Jun, who burst out, as if he could no longer hold back the words:

“You said Yutaka’s name!”

Shou looked at Jun. He seemed to feel guilty for the outburst. Shou looked at Yutaka. Yutaka’s expression was impossible to read.

“You’ve got to be kidding me”, Shou said and looked at their hypnotizer. Shou acknowledged him as the only neutral source available.

He still looked uncomfortable.

“Kyan Yutaka, that’s the name you said”, he confirmed.

“Maybe I mumbled?”, Shou suggested. “And Kyan’s not even his real name. I’m sure you misheard.”

“Oi!”, Yutaka shouted. “You spoke clearly, don’t try to dodge the bullet now. Just admit you are into me already.”

Shou looked at Yutaka again. He was grinning now. He looked pleased with himself. He also looked like a jerk.

Shou wondered, if there was even the tiniest part of himself, that might feel attracted to Yutaka.

Was it possible, that he had actually said his name? Yutaka was a handsome man. Shou had never felt overly attracted to men, but he also wasn’t bothered by the fact that Yutaka had a penis. He was bothered by the fact, that Yutaka was Yutaka.

“Are you sure you asked the right question?”, Shou assured and turned towards the hypnotizer again.

The man shrugged.

“I asked about the love of your life. And now, I’m going home. Your time is up.”

“No, wait!”, Kenji called out. “Can you make me invisible?”

The hypnotizer stared at Kenji. Then he shook his head very slowly.

“No, because – again – I’m not a magician”, he said and turned to grab his jacket.

Kenji pouted.

Shou watched Yutaka from the side. He knew him for so long already. They had been friends for so many years by now. Actually, Yutaka had stayed with him longer than any of the women Shou had dated so far.

But also, Yutaka was an idiot.

Shou certainly did not feel attracted to him. Not even subconsciously.

“Well, hypnosis is stupid anyway”, he announced determined and marched off towards the dressing room.

But if he had really said Yutaka’s name out loud, it would be stupid to ignore that, right? It might have been his wake-up call. Maybe a part of Shou knew where he could find real happiness.

Shou had always been very sure he loved the women he dated. He had liked them instantly, because they were pretty or kind or funny. And it had never worked out.

He had never considered liking Yutaka, because Yutaka was loud and obnoxious and frankly annoying. But he was also pretty and kind and funny, now that Shou thought about it. Maybe it didn’t come so surprising, that a part of Shou would like him. And maybe it was even a good sign, that Shou knew about his bad habits already. For once, he wouldn’t run the risk of getting disappointed.

Not, that he was going to do anything about it. He wasn’t a stupid, hopeless romantic after all.

In the dressing room, Shou loosened his tie and took off his suit coat. Jun and Kenji followed. Both of them were already shirtless. Admittedly, moving around in a suit wasn’t really comfortable. Shou folded the suit coat careful not to crinkle it.

Yutaka entered the room last. Shou didn’t even know why he was paying attention to that.

“So, that was pretty fun”, he said, just to say anything.

Usually, it wasn’t Shou who initiated the small-talk, but right now, the silence felt uncomfortable to him. He didn’t want the others to think about what had just happened. Maybe they’d get the wrong idea. Maybe they would think that it had been more than just a mistake and that Shou actually had gay feelings for Yutaka. Maybe, Yutaka would think that, too.

“Yeah, especially when Kenji got kicked in the butt”, Yutaka agreed.

Right, that was typical. It matched Yutaka’s simple, vulgar taste of humour. Someone getting kicked in the butt was his idea of a good laugh.

Shou ignored the fact, that he himself had laughed the hardest at it.

“Oi, he kicked you in the butt, too!”, Kenji said and laughed.

Yutaka joined in with his laughter.

“Yeah, and it hurt!”, he confirmed.

“I won’t be able to sit down for the rest of the week”, Kenji whined.

“Well, I’m sure the fans will enjoy it”, Jun said. “And that’s the most important part, right, Shou?”

Shou flinched, because he had been lost in thoughts and not prepared to actively engage in the conversation. He had thought about nothing specific. Yutaka had taken off his coat jacket and his vest underneath, too. He was still wearing the tie, although he had loosened it. Shou thought that he looked handsome in a suit.

But then everyone looked handsome in a suit. Kenji looked handsome in a suit. Kenji looked handsome without a suit. If Shou really did feel attracted to men, he’d have said Kenji’s name, not Yutaka’s. That proved it was a mistake. Because even if Shou might have been slightly attracted to Yutaka, he surely didn’t like him in a romantic way. Yutaka was the last person he’d look at romantically.

“Oh, yes, absolutely”, he mumbled and got out a makeup remover tissue to clean off his face.

Shou’s skin got dry underneath the makeup and he always felt fake when wearing it in his free time. As if he was wearing a stage persona that was too big for him in real life. During a show, it was normal to appear flashy and larger than life. But off-stage, Shou couldn’t live up to the image he had created for himself. He felt pathetic when he tried. Without makeup, he felt more comfortable. Also, he didn’t want to be recognized on his way home. The others usually removed their makeup before leaving, too. Shou had never asked them, if they did it for similar reasons.

If he asked Yutaka, maybe Yutaka would turn out to feel too small for his own persona, too. Shou’s ex-girlfriends had never understood that feeling. That had been one of the main problems, which kept them apart emotionally.

Shou checked his face in the mirror. It looked flushed from rubbing off the makeup. His eyes were small. He wasn’t very attractive.

He looked over to Yutaka, out of the corner of his eyes, so he wouldn’t catch Shou staring. He didn’t want Yutaka to think he was having any funny thoughts about him.

Yutaka had pushed the sleeves of his button-down shirt up his lower arms. Kenji and Jun wore their formal clothing with ease. Yutaka never seemed to feel comfortable in it, though. Shou had always liked that about him. It wasn’t just a habit, it was a character trait.

“What are you looking at?”, Yutaka asked harshly.

Obviously, he had caught Shou staring anyway.

“Guess that dude was right – you are in love with me.”

Shou felt himself blushing and lowered his gaze to stare down onto his own feet.

“Don’t flatter yourself”, he said. “You are not my type.”

“Your subconsciousness seems to feel differently”, Yutaka observed.

He was done removing his makeup now, too. His eyes still looked large. Yutaka never looked as different without makeup as Shou did. He just looked a little more tired.

Shou tried to come up with a clever remark, but he had nothing to say to that.

Obviously, his subconsciousness did feel differently.

The thought was a little scary. That Shou didn’t know himself well enough to even figure out whom he was attracted to.

“I’m sure it was just a mistake”, he said quietly.

“Ah, don’t fret”, Kenji said cheerfully. “We know you wouldn’t fall for an idiot like Yutaka.”

“Oi”, Yutaka said, but his voice lacked force. He spoke more quietly without makeup, too.

“Anyway, are we heading out?”, Jun asked.

“Won’t you guys put on shirts at least?”, Shou asked.

Everyone ignored him.

“I’m ready”, Kenji confirmed.

“I think I misplaced my keys”, Yutaka said and searched the pockets of his pants. “Where did that dude go? He needs to ask me about my keys.”

“I have your keys”, Shou said and fumbled to get them out of his bag.

“Why do you have my keys?!”, Yutaka asked irritated.

Shou sighed.

“You gave them to me before the shooting, remember?”, he scolded. “Because you always loose them. I figured they’d be safer with me.”

“Oh, thanks”, Yutaka said and let out an embarrassed laugh while scratching the back of his head awkwardly. “You are really taking care of me, aren’t you?”

Shou held out the keys and looked at Yutaka.

He realized that he had indeed been taking care of Yutaka for years already.

His habit of constantly loosing stuff was annoying, but Shou didn’t mind, because they had found a way to deal with it. And Yutaka was loud, but he got quieter when they were alone and maybe that meant they were similar in some respect, because Shou was quieter, too, when the cameras weren’t running. And he was obnoxious, laughing at a guy getting kicked in the butt. But it was Shou, who had laughed the loudest, he remembered that now.

“Friday, 7 pm”, Shou said.

Yutaka froze, before reaching out to grab his keys. Shou felt ridiculous holding them up like that. He lowered his arm.

“What?”, Yutaka asked.

“You and me, Friday, 7 pm. I’ll pick you up”, Shou clarified.

He wasn’t sure what had gotten into him, but if this was it – if this was his chance for happiness – he couldn’t just let it slip away. He had had an excuse of not noticing for the past twenty years, but now he knew, and if he didn’t act on it, he would miss the right timing for good and mistakes like that couldn’t be made up for. If he wanted to find out, if something like true love existed, he had to try now.

“Wait, are you asking me out on a date?”, Yutaka assured dumbfounded.

“I think we should leave”, Jun said.

“No way, I want to see how this plays out!”, Kenji declared.

Jun grabbed his arm and pulled him out of the room. Shou only saw it out of the corner of his eyes. He kept his gaze fixed onto Yutaka.

“Not really”, Shou said. “I have decided we will go out on a date and have just informed you about the time.”

“Uhm”, Yutaka said and licked his lips.

Shou had expected him to look full of himself and ready to make fun of Shou, but instead Yutaka seemed insecure about how to react.

“Why … why do you think I’d want to go out with you?”, he asked.

Shou shrugged.

“You see, that is the thing about finding the love of your life. By my definition of romance, that term only applies to someone you could be happy with for the rest of your life. So, when I said your name, I was obviously convinced that we could be happy together. It doesn’t count if it’s unrequited. If you are the love of my life, I am yours, by definition. For your own good, you should give it a try.”

Yutaka furrowed his brow. He seemed to think very hard.

“But it’s just stuff you made up, right?”, he said. “You are aware of that, aren’t you? Just because you think we are meant to be, doesn’t mean we are actually meant to be by destiny or whatever.”

Shou shrugged.

He had already thought about that part.

“But if I think we are meant to be, it means some part of me believes I could make you happy. So, let me try.”

Still, he was expecting Yutaka to burst out laughing right into his face any moment now. But Yutaka stayed irritatingly quiet.

“So, you have feelings for me?”, Yutaka wanted to know. “Or are you just going based on what that hypnotizer told you now?”

Shou pulled up his shoulders defensively.

He didn’t like to admit how romantic he was. How superstitious, too. How desperate.

“I just want to make sure I don’t miss an opportunity for happiness”, he said in a small voice. “I have almost given up on it already. And if a subconscious part of me believes, that it could work with you, I don’t want to wonder for the rest of my life what could have been, just because I brushed it off. Even if I’m not entirely sure about how I feel.”

Yutaka looked at him expressionless for a moment, then he shook his head.

“Man, Shou, you sound so sad. What’s wrong with you? I’m sure there are girls lining up to go out with you. You just don’t see it. You could find happiness, if you just looked a little harder.”

“But my subconsciousness …”, Shou started.

“For fuck’s sake”, Yutaka interrupted him. “It was a joke. A joke, okay, Shou? There is no such thing as the love of your life. Sometimes, you fall in love with the wrong person and they will never like you back and that sucks. But that’s how life goes. There is no destiny.”

Shou didn’t understand why Yutaka sounded so angry.

He felt like throwing up, though.

So, they had played a prank on him. And he had made a fool out of himself by asking Yutaka out. Because, for a moment he had been blinded by how handsome he looked and the years they shared and the affection he felt for him. When offering to take care of his things or when noticing how tired he looked lately, Shou cared and he had mistaken those genuine but meaningless feelings towards Yutaka for something else. They had only wanted to see how flustered Shou would get and how he would insult Yutaka. Surely, no one had expected Shou to do something stupid like actually ask him out. He had embarrassed himself. No wonder Yutaka hadn’t known how to deal with the situation. He must have thought Shou was out of his mind.

“A joke?”, Shou repeated flatly.

Yutaka sighed.

“Sorry, if we took it too far. It was my idea. While you were knocked out, I suggested it and urged everyone to play along.”

“Then, what did I say?”, Shou wanted to know.

“Nothing”, Yutaka said. “It didn’t work.”

“Or maybe I’m just meant to be alone”, Shou concluded.

He felt cold and lonely all of a sudden. He thought of all the years he still had ahead of himself. They felt like an icy, black ocean that he had to cross all on his own. He should have known there was no one out there for him.

“It just means it didn’t work”, Yutaka said, now sounding stern again. “Maybe you haven’t met her yet. Or maybe even your subconsciousness is too stupid to realize it.”

“Maybe”, Shou agreed, but he did not feel convinced. He knew what his silence really meant. Deep down, Shou believed that he deserved to be alone for the rest of his life. That was probably the worst about it. That he wanted to be loved so badly, but couldn’t even believe in the possibility of it himself.

“Hey, I’m sorry”, Yutaka said again.

There were lines showing around the corner of his mouth that only appeared when he was seriously troubled. Yutaka’s troubled face was far more subtle than his happy face. Shou wondered if there was anyone out there, who could read it like he could. After all those years of friendship, Yutaka’s face was the most familiar thing in the world to him. Saying his name hadn’t felt all that absurd, if Shou was being honest.

“It’s fine”, he said. “It was a good prank, actually. If it hadn’t been me, I’d have thought it was funny, too. Sorry for overreacting. It must have made you feel weird.”

Shou wanted to turn to grab his bag, but then realized he was still holding on to Yutaka’s keys. He stopped short and tossed them at Yutaka.

Yutaka caught them. He looked down onto his hand holding the keys, as if he thought about something.

It was the keys, that had made Shou realize he wasn’t indifferent to Yutaka. He had just become so used to caring for him, that he hadn’t even noticed to which extend.

“It wasn’t a prank”, Yutaka finally said and looked up from the keys.

“What?”, Shou assured, not quite able to follow Yutaka’s thought process there.

“It wasn’t just a prank”, Yutaka said. “I wanted to see how you’d react. If it would be impossible for you to believe that … well, that you could like me. Or if maybe you would believe it.”

Shou stared at him.

He had forgotten that he had wanted to leave. He tried to piece it all together.

“Why those games?”

Yutaka chuckled, but it did not sound especially amused.

“I kind of hoped you’d say my name for real”, he admitted. “But that was stupid, of course. Still, I was disappointed when you didn’t. I was trying to push it.”

Shou understood, what Yutaka was trying to tell him. And he even understood why he was telling him now. Yutaka felt sorry for the prank. He felt sorry, because he realized that Shou was more desperate than he had assumed and playing with his feelings wasn’t fair therefore. He was trying to apologize by telling him, what he would never have said out loud otherwise.

Strictly speaking, he still hadn’t said it.

“So, if he had asked you that question …?”, Shou started hesitantly to make sure there wasn’t a misunderstanding going on.

“Yeah”, Yutaka confirmed, before he could even finish.

He looked up at Shou again.

Without makeup he did not look angry or challenging at all. He looked tired and as if he was exhausted with keeping up the constant act.

“But the love of your life, are you sure?”, Shou asked.

Yutaka smiled. Even his smile looked tired.

“Shou, I know you for about twenty years now”, Yutaka said. “This isn’t exactly a brief crush. I know how I feel about you. And I don’t need a magician to tell me that.”

Shou thought of all the women Yutaka had dumped, because he never seemed as invested as they were.

“He’s not a magician”, Shou said quietly.

Yutaka snorted.

“Right”, he said.

For a moment, he just stood there awkwardly and Shou wondered, what he was supposed to say now. Both of them seemed to wait for the other one to speak.

“Well”, Yutaka finally muttered and put the keys into the pocket of his pants. He turned towards the door.

Shou stared at his back. The sight made him feel incredible sorry. Somehow, it also made him feel hopeful, though. Because he felt the need to protect Yutaka, to wrap his arms around him from behind and make sure, he’d never hurt again. Never, for the rest of his life.

“Friday, 7 pm, don’t forget about it!”, Shou called after him.

Yutaka turned around, looking bewildered. But the lines around his eyes told Shou, that he was trying to hide a smile. Shou knew how to read that face better than anyone else.

“You sure?”, Yutaka asked.

Shou shrugged and flashed him a goofy smile.

„Then …“, Shou said and raised his index finger into the air as if asking for attention. He had long, slender fingers that did not match with the rest of his short, stocky body. The contrast made his hands look even sexier somehow.

“I leaned out of the window and waved back”, Shou added and paused, seemingly for dramatic effect.

He stared at Yutaka in an obviously tipsy fashion. Yutaka did not mind. He was tipsy himself.

Shou spread his arms widely in a grant gesture.

Luckily, they were sitting in a separated section, where he couldn’t hit anyone by accident. Large gatherings were still prohibited, but this bar close to Yutaka’s apartment had come up with a nice solution. Yutaka found himself enjoying the privacy of their own booth more than sharing a large room with strangers.

“And that”, Shou concluded. “Was the most social interaction I had for an entire week.”

Yutaka burst out laughing.

Shou broke into a wide smile that looked happy and proud, as if he was glad that his story had made Yutaka laugh. His mouth looked big and wide when he smiled like that. The gaps between his teeth were such a natural part of his smile after all those years, that Yutaka hardly noticed them. He just noticed that Shou looked adorable when he smiled like this.

“So, you are telling me, the most social interaction you had for an entire week”, Yutaka repeated, still trying to catch his breath. “Was waving at a … dog?!”

Shou burst into a full laugh now as well. He was very pale, but red dots were showing on his cheeks. He wasn’t blushing where most people blushed, but rather close to his nose. It looked very cute. Yutaka thought that it was cute, that Shou laughed at his own story, if you told it back at him, too.

“I waved back!”, he clarified. “The dog raised its pawn and it was really fucking adorable.”

Still grinning Shou shook his head and took up his glass again. He drank in large gulps.

Yutaka had always noticed that Shou had a very manly way of drinking. He couldn’t explain it any better. Shou took large, soundly gulps, holding on to the glass as if it was a stone, he wanted to use to bash someone’s head in. Usually, his way of drinking would not have sparked Yutaka’s interest at all. But it did not match up with Shou’s hunched over way of sitting and the awkward way he moved as if not knowing where to leave his arms and his way of touching things, which was normally quite gentle. Shou drank like a man much more confident than himself.

Shou sat his glass back down soundly.

“Those were some dark weeks”, he said.

Shou could be pretty closed off and quiet and at those times, it was impossible to figure out what he was thinking at all. Alcohol did not change that. If Shou was in a bad mood, he was unable to hide it. The alcohol only caused him to turn more obviously sulky.

But if Shou was happy, it was nearly impossible to shut him up. He would babble on for hours and he would be all smiles and embarrassed laughter and his cheeks would flush and there wasn’t a thing Yutaka wouldn’t do to protect him when he was like that.

Tonight, Shou was clearly a happy drunk.

“I was so fed up with the inside of my own apartment, I’m happy to go out again”, Shou said. “Into the sun! I usually hate the sun! It’s so hot in the sun and I always get sunburned. But dude, I missed the sun. I also missed people!”

Shou paused again and leaned in, holding Yutaka’s gaze conspiratorial for a moment. Without colour contacts, Shou’s eyes were small and incredible dark. Yutaka could not make out his pupil from where he was sitting. Shou’s eyes looked black, but not in a menacing way. The black always looked warm, even on the days when he was sulking.

“And you know how I usually feel about people”, Shou added.

Yutaka burst out laughing again. That was another thing he liked about happy Shou – he was good humoured and very charming.

“I would have thought the lockdown was just the right thing for you. You don’t like going out to spend money or to socialize with people anyway”, Yutaka observed.

Shou leaned back again and snorted quietly.

“Right?”, he asked. “I’m such a negative person. I don’t like anything on the outside. But if I have to stay inside, I don’t like that either. I guess it’s just my personality.”

Yutaka chuckled, but brushed it off with a movement of his arm.

“Not at all”, he protested. “You are the most positive person I know. Look at you. Even if you hate those things, you manage to get all excited about them. Like sunlight. Only a very positive person would get excited about finally getting a sunburn again.”

Shou laughed quietly. His laughter was beautiful, when he didn’t hide his smile. It made his lips look gorgeous. Yutaka was happy that Shou had agreed to go out with him tonight.

“It’s not like that at all”, Shou said and pulled a plate of grilled pork towards himself. They had ordered a variety of snacks with their drinks, but most of them were gone by now. Shou eyed the meat curiously, but did not pick up his chopsticks.

“I’m all gloomy. Did you even listen to one of my songs before?”

Yutaka snorted.

“Yes, and that’s what I mean”, he insisted. He wondered, if Shou could really not see it. To Yutaka, Shou was nothing but a ball of joy and positive energy. “You write about all those painful emotions of yours. But you do it in a funny way. You allow people to laugh at you and to relate to you. So many people find solace in your songs. Because when you feel sad, you don’t just give in to it. You are productive and funny and kind. Also, stop staring at that meat already and just eat it.”

Shou turned his head and looked at Yutaka quietly. For a moment, Yutaka wondered, if he had given himself away. If he had spoken a little too enthusiastically about Shou’s good qualities and let on how strongly he cared for him.

But then Shou threw back his head and burst out laughing, as if the last words had just needed a moment longer to get through to him. He didn’t seem to laugh, because Yutaka had said something especially funny, but just because he was drunk and happy. Yutaka found himself smiling widely for no specific reason, either. He just smiled, because Shou was drunk and happy, too.

“I shouldn’t be eating more”, Shou said. “I will grow fat and no one will love me. See, that’s the kind of person I am. Always with those negative thoughts.”

“You seem happy alright tonight”, Yutaka observed.

Shou grinned. He did look a little embarrassed now.

“That proves how desperate I am”, he said. “Craving human interaction so much, I’m even happy to spend time with an idiot like you.”

Shou picked up his chopsticks.

Yutaka watched him for a moment, as he picked up a piece of grilled pork. He did it in an unnecessarily complicated way, as if he needed to inspect the meat throughout from different angles before eating it.

He wondered if Shou was right and the lack of human interaction during the last weeks showed. Yutaka felt Shou’s presence too strongly tonight. He seemed overly aware of his body next to himself. The air all around seemed to grow hotter when Shou leaned in and Yutaka had to follow the movement of his hands while he spoke and he had to stare at Shou’s lips when they formed a smile. Yutaka wanted to get closer to him in a very vague, undefined way. He just thought it would be nice to hold Shou’s body and sense him close. He had missed him a lot.

Only after staring at him for a good while, did Yutaka realize what Shou was doing.

“Oi, what happened to growing fat and lonely?!”, he inquired sternly.

Shou shrugged awkwardly, staring at his chopsticks in great concentration.

“I’ll just work out tomorrow. It won’t show for sure.”

Shou shoved the meat into his mouth. It was a pretty big piece and he opened his eyes widely while chewing. He looked overjoyed while eating.

Amused Yutaka shook his head.

“See”, he said. “You will be hungover tomorrow for sure. It’s very optimistic of you to think you are going to work out. But still, you are willing to stay hopeful. You have a very optimistic personality.”

Shou swallowed soundly.

“No, I don’t!”, he protested as if Yutaka had offended him. “I’m very pessi … pessi …”

He paused and then stared at Yutaka with an empty expression. Yutaka tried not to laugh, because he looked too adorable, trying to drunkenly recall a word that had more than three syllables.

“What’s the word again? Pessimi … pessimizumu? Is that what you call it?”

He made a confused face, that created wrinkles at the root of his nose.

Yutaka thought that he would really love to kiss Shou right now. Not seeing him for so long had made him forget how soft and full Shou’s lips were. They looked very kissable.

Yutaka licked his own lips, trying to buy time to remember what their conversation had been about.

“No, that’s not the term”, he said. “But that makes sense, since you are not pessimistic at all. You try again and again, because you are so full of hope.”

“No”, Shou said and put on an adorable pout. “It’s not optimistic to do something again and again, although you know you will fail. It’s stupid and pathetic.”

“It’s strength”, Yutaka said.

In his opinion, Shou was the strongest man, he had ever met. Yutaka himself was often too scared to try. Or he gave up easily. He had given up on bass and he had more or less given up on guitar. He didn’t have Shou’s optimism that one day he would get better. One throwback and Yutaka gave up. Shou probably did not like men and Yutaka would never kiss him, because he wasn’t brave enough to hope that maybe he did.

“No, it’s sad. Let me tell you about how I fall into the trap of hope again and again … with women.” Shou paused again and raised his hands. He surely turned dramatic when he drank. “Or should I call them … demons?!”

Yutaka tried to wince, but had to laugh anyway.

“Please, not the ex-girlfriend stories!”, he inquired. It was pretty much Shou’s favourite topic when he drank.

“Let me tell you about my ex-girlfriends”, Shou carried on, as if Yutaka hadn’t said anything at all.

Yutaka looked at him affectionately. Although the hairdressers were open again, Shou hadn’t went out to have his hair fixed yet. Dark roots were showing visibly and at the tips, his blonde hair looked dry and frayed. With the light blonde hair and his pale skin, Shou resembled a ghost. Without contouring his face looked slimmer.

“Here are some facts. My average relationship so far has lasted for about one month. All of my exes have dumped me. Since my thirty’s birthday, I have been dumped eight times, out of which three women just ghosted me.”

Shou shook his head slowly.

“My heart has been torn out of my chest, stomped upon and eaten while it was still beating.”

Yutaka burst into snorting laughter.

“You are exaggerating, Shou”, he pointed out.

“Every single woman has made it very clear, that they did not want to be with an ugly and brooding person such as myself.” Shou sighed heavily. “I’ve been hurt so often, that I started to believe that I deserved it, because no one could possibly want to date me.”

The last sentence he had spoken more quietly, staring at his glass thoughtfully. Yutaka could tell that the alcohol was about to make him drift off into melancholy. It often happened to Shou, once he brought up his exes.

Yutaka watched him from the side for a moment. Shou’s nose was very cute, looking small in his large face.

Sometimes, Yutaka wished he had realized how he felt about Shou, before all of this had happened to him. Tonight, Shou had seemed so happy, but Yutaka knew, that there was another side to him, too. A side that was sad and always too hard on himself and never pleased with his looks and his personality. Yutaka thought, that if he had been the first one to love Shou, he would have gotten it right. He wouldn’t have hurt him like those women had, and maybe Shou would be happy a little more often nowadays and sad a little less. Yutaka wished he could erase those past experiences from Shou’s memory. Not because he was jealous of those women, but because he felt like he would have done better than them.

But it was too late and the Shou sitting next to him now was already damaged and he already wore his scars. But then, Yutaka liked the brooding parts of Shou’s personality as well. He liked how they never got the better of Shou, but made it into songs instead and how his experiences had made him warm and gentle with others. He loved Shou for the person he was today and there was nothing to be done about any of it.

“It’s not like all of those relationships ended soon”, Yutaka scolded Shou, to get him out of his self-pity. “You make it sound like no one stayed with you longer than a month! That’s not true.”

Shou sucked on his lower lip for a moment. Yutaka wondered if he was even aware of doing so.

“True. But my personal record is about five months. Five months is as close as I ever got to my happily ever after.” Shou sighed again.

Yutaka furrowed his brow sternly.

“I guess I’m hard to be around for too long”, Shou added quietly.

“Oi!”, Yutaka interrupted him. “I’ve been hanging out with you for twenty years now. If I put up with you for so long, it should prove it’s possible.”

Shou chuckled.

“It’s doesn’t count”, he said.

Yutaka wanted to ask, why it didn’t count, but then he was scared that Shou would point out that Yutaka was nothing but a friend. Hearing that would hurt. It was better to not risk it.

“The problem seems to be with the women”, Yutaka observed and then decided, that it was worth a try. The alcohol made him braver than usual and it was nothing but a joke anyway. “Maybe you should try men instead.”

Shou turned his head slightly and cast Yutaka a sly look out of the corner of his eyes. The red dots on his cheeks were clearly visible again, but Yutaka couldn’t tell if it was because of his words, or if it was just caused by the alcohol.

“Actually”, Shou said and grinned without directly looking at Yutaka. His smile was a weird mixture of cheeky, proud and embarrassed. “I dated a guy once.”

Yutaka’s stomach jolted.

He told himself to stay calm. Surely, Shou just meant like in a high school phase kind of way. Yutaka shouldn’t get his hopes up.

“When?”, Yutaka asked, angry at himself because his voice sounded so flat with anticipation. “In middle school or what?”

Shou made an awkward hand movement and laughed. He was clearly blushing now.

“No, not that long ago. About three years ago, I think.”

Yutaka stared at him in confusion. He wondered why Shou had never mentioned it before, but then Yutaka had never told him about his own preferences either.

And probably, it had just been one or two dates for a try-out anyway. Shou had probably been curious. He was a curious, open-minded person, even if he claimed otherwise.

“What happened?”, Yutaka asked.

Shou turned more serious and shrugged, now looking at Yutaka again. He did no longer seem embarrassed. Yutaka was surprised about how much he seemed to be at terms with himself about this.

“Six weeks and he figured that the problem was me, not him”, Shou stated dryly.

Yutaka couldn’t help laughing. Shou had a way of mocking himself that made it nearly impossible not to laugh at him and almost impossible not to relate to him, too.

“Sounds like he was a douchebag”, Yutaka concluded. “So, the problem is not women. You just have shit taste.”

Shou laughed out loud. He looked so beautiful, that Yutaka wanted to kiss him again. For a brief second, he wondered if he was allowed to do so. Six weeks was a surprisingly long time. Shou had surely kissed that guy as well.

“Honestly”, Shou said and lowered his voice, leaning forward. Yutaka grew hot again, because he got so close. “The sex was amazing, though.”

Yutaka stared at him wide-eyed. Somehow, he had not expected that.

“Really?”, he assured incredulous.

Shou nodded hectically. He was still leaning in, with that hunched over posture of his.

“Yeah, I was a little hesitant about it, because you know. I thought it would feel uncomfortable or something. But then I thought – what if it feels really good instead and I’m missing out on that? So, I tried. And boy, did it feel good.”

Yutaka stared right into Shou’s dark eyes.

“So, you let him fuck you?”, he assured bluntly.

Shou laughed. He had the habit of not always tilting back his head when he laughed, but rather bending forward and pulling up his shoulders. It made him look giddy, when he laughed.

“Yeah, and that’s the only thing I do not regret about that relationship.”

Yutaka chuckled. He couldn’t quite believe that Shou had just went out there and had had sex with another man.

“See”, he said. “Always optimistic. Even with gay sex, you were more hopeful than you were scared.”

Shou smirked and turned his head.

He looked lost in thought now, but not directly unhappy.

“But it’s not a very positive attitude, is it? To date someone with the constant feeling that it will fail anyway, I mean. I’ve always felt like I was just waiting for the relationship to end. Everyone could sense that. That’s why my partners never stay long. Dating me always feels like an interim situation, I guess.”

“You are giving too much credit to yourself”, Yutaka said. “I’m sure the girls who ghosted you after the first date, just didn’t like you.”

Shou burst out laughing and turned his head towards Yutaka again. His lips looked so wide and full and his smile was so beautiful and his eyes seemed even warmer when he laughed.

Yutaka leaned in and kissed him.

He hadn’t thought it through at all and wasn’t sure which reaction he had expected from Shou. But Shou did not flinch and did not pull back. He just held very still and his lips felt soft.

Yutaka pulled back again, eyeing Shou closely.

Shou broke into a smile again, that looked nervous and happy. He looked very flushed now, too. His reaction was precious somehow.

Still smiling, as if he just couldn’t help it, Shou turned away again and took up his glass.

“I really miss our fans, you know”, he said, completely out of context and emptied his glass with a few, loud gulps.

Yutaka stared at Shou’s lips, that he had kissed only now. He couldn’t help smiling, either.

“We can still stay in touch”, Yutaka pointed out. “Through social media and all. They’ve been very encouraging.”

Shou exhaled soundly.

“I miss seeing their faces, though. I miss seeing that they are having a good time at our shows. How am I supposed to tell how they feel, if it’s just a text message?”

Yutaka shook his head. He wondered, if he should put his hand onto Shou’s back to comfort him. He wondered, if he was allowed to kiss Shou again.

Somehow, the interruption did not feel weird, though. It made the kiss feel casual in the best kind of way. Like Yutaka hadn’t done something big and scandalizing and like it wouldn’t change the way they talked to each other in the future and like maybe he might kiss Shou again without ruining their friendship forever.

“Their wellbeing is not your duty alone”, Yutaka reminded him. “You need to take care of yourself first of all.”

“Aah”, Shou said and turned his head, making a face where he squinted only one of his eyes shut. It caused his face to wrinkle up weirdly. “Sounds like something an irresponsible douchebag would say.”

“Douchebags, what was it about douchebags again?”, Yutaka asked and tilted his head. “Oh, right. Aren’t those your type?”

Shou snorted and pulled up his shoulders a little. He looked like he was trying to curl up in himself and Yutaka wondered, if he was acting defensive.

“I thought of doing a conference call”, Shou said. “Doesn’t the screen split into little honeycombs or something, if there are a lot of people on the call? I think I read something like that.”

He looked at Yutaka as if he was really expecting an answer.

“How would I know?!”, Yutaka huffed.

He wondered why Shou was talking about honeycombs instead of flirting with him. He didn’t seem desperate to change the topic, though. He just seemed nervous.

“Well, but then I thought many fans would not feel comfortable showing their face, right?”, Shou carried on. “They would just use pictures probably. And they would be too small anyway, I guess. It wouldn’t work with so many people.”

“Why wouldn’t they show their faces?”, Yutaka asked confused.

Shou shrugged.

“Embarrassment? Privacy?”

“They wouldn’t have to feel embarrassed in front of you. Just do it without makeup and you’ll be the weirdest looking guy on the call automatically!”

“Oi!”, Shou huffed, then he turned his head. He was hunching over so much, he had to look up to Yutaka. “That kiss just now …”, he started.

Yutaka’s mouth went dry all of a sudden. Shou had changed the topic again quite abruptly.

“Yeah?”, he asked warily.

“Would you care to do that again?”, Shou asked shyly.

He was smiling kind of helplessly again. When Shou smiled like that, Yutaka cared for nothing else but kissing him.

He looked around to assure no one was able to watch them in their private booth. A waiter might walk in on them, but chances for that weren’t really high.

Yutaka nodded shortly, then he leaned in and kissed Shou once more. This time, Shou reached up with one hand and placed it against Yutaka’s neck. He was kissing him back now. Shou’s kiss felt hesitant rather than demanding, but he was parting his lips and his mouth was warm and soft. Their kiss lasted longer this time.

Finally, Shou pulled back his hand and Yutaka took the hint and broke the kiss, leaning back.

Shou was beaming and his cheeks looked very red. Yutaka hadn’t believed Shou could get any cuter than when he was happy. But when he was happy and embarrassed, he was completely adorable.

For a moment, Yutaka had to fight the urge to just wrestle him down on the padded bench they were sitting on. The ironic part was that he did not want to do anything sexual to Shou right now. He just wanted to climb on top of him and wrap his arms around him and he wanted to kiss him. He wanted to kiss him on the lips and on the nose and on his forehead and on his neck and his arms and hands and shoulders and he wanted Shou to giggle and always look this happy and adorable. He wanted to hold Shou and make him forget about all the people who had hurt him before and feel him close and let him know just what Yutaka saw when he looked at him. He wanted to make Shou feel like he was the most precious man in the world.

Shou turned towards the table and pushed his forefinger against his empty glass. Yutaka noticed again how beautiful Shou’s hands looked.

“You want to order another round?”, Yutaka suggested.

Shou shook his head.

“You can have my drink, if you are thirsty”, Yutaka offered.

Shou looked over at Yutaka’s glass hesitantly for a second, then he made a face.

“No thanks”, he said, but it was pretty obvious that what he really meant was that in his opinion Yutaka’s choice of drink tasted disgusting.

Yutaka smirked.

“You are my type”, Shou suddenly said. “But I’m done with dating.”

“Really?”, Yutaka asked mockingly.

He took hold of Shou’s hand resting on the table plate. Shou did not pull back. His skin felt dry and a little cold. His hands were slim and strong and bony.

“Really”, Shou confirmed and looked right at Yutaka. His expression was serious. His dark eyes looked sad. “I’m done with love. No more relationships, no more hook-ups, no more anything for me. I’m tired of getting disappointed. I’m pessimistic. I know it won’t work out this time, either.”

Yutaka used his thumb to stroke the back of Shou’s hand. He knew, why Shou was not pulling back from the touch. Because no matter what he said – deep down, Shou was the most hopeful person Yutaka had ever met.

“Okay”, Yutaka said quietly and gave Shou’s hand a little squeeze. “Now, want to go back to my place and have sex?”

Shou’s whole face lit up. His eyes became even smaller, his mouth turned wide and big and his gorgeous teeth were showing.

Because no matter how many times he got disappointed and hurt, he never gave up. Shou was dumb and brave enough to always take the risk again, hoping that maybe – this time – it might work.

“Yes”, Shou said.

Shou’s mobile buzzed.

He dropped the damp towel he had used to dust off his CD shelf and dashed over to pick up his phone from the coffee table.

His stomach took a weird little leap. Of course, Yutaka always messaged him around this time of day. Or earlier. Or later. There wasn’t really a scheme behind it, if Shou was being honest. He had tried to establish a rule, to reconstruct Yutaka’s daily routine based on his incoming messages. But for the most part, his schedule remained unpredictable.

It was Shou’s upper abdomen that felt weird. He didn’t understand why people referred to this feeling as having butterflies in their stomachs. To Shou, it felt like having heartburn. But happy. He was glad it only ever lasted for seconds after each incoming message.

He switched on the screen of his phone, curious how many messages Yutaka had sent him this time. Just one? Or two? Maybe even three?

He stared onto the LINE notification.

It was Kenji checking in on him.

Shou sensed something that felt like heartburn again. But sad this time. And somewhat angry. He wasn’t sure if he was angry at Kenji for leading him on, or angry at himself for getting his hopes up like that.

He swiped the notification to the right, so it would disappear from his screen. He didn’t feel like replying to Kenji right now. He would do so later.

Shou hated himself for how much he had wanted the message to be from Yutaka.

They didn’t message each other often, usually just once or twice a day.

But Shou looked forward to the messages too much. Yutaka’s texts where always interesting and funny and kind. Much kinder than he was in a face to face conversation in fact. They weren’t just messages Shou read and forgot about. He kept thinking about what Yutaka told him, wondered how he felt about those topics in return. He carried his messages around with himself at the back of his mind for the next hours and furrowed his brow, when he wasn’t sure about what to reply and smiled, when he remembered a funny line. Yutaka’s messages brought him through the day, especially at a time like this.

It wasn’t a reason to get so excited, though.

Since the messages made him happy, Shou assumed he was allowed to feel a little excited about them. But this strong, physical reaction was just getting ridiculous. Especially since it had been weeks now since the lockdown had started. It had felt new and exciting at first, but by now, the flavour of the new should have faded. By now, he should remember that it was just Yutaka he was talking to.

Still, his body reacted like he was back in high school and talking to his crush.

But Shou did not have a crush on Yutaka. Not really at least. He was just bad at telling honest affection apart from romantic involvement. Sure, he liked Yutaka. He had always liked Yutaka. He had founded a band with him. And their text messages lately had brought them closer together. It was normal to feel affectionate. It did not mean he had romantic interest in Yutaka, though. He was just craving the attention someone granted him, the interest Yutaka showed in what Shou had to say, the bare kindness of his encouragement.

Shou’s brain knew the difference perfectly well. His body, however, didn’t.

Usually, Shou’s brain was stronger than his body. Just when his body reacted this way – with heartburn and his pulse racing and his head feeling light and hot at the same time – hormones were set into motion and his body felt incredible happy, when he saw Yutaka’s messages. So, Shou’s brain started to associate Yutaka’s name on his mobile screen with happiness. Therefore, his brain reached the conclusion, that he liked Yutaka more than was reasonable – ergo had a crush on him – and it ordered his body to spill all kinds of romance hormones and those hormones confused Shou’s brain further. It was a vicious circle and sometimes it seemed as if his entire body had turned against him, to make Shou believe he was in love with Yutaka, although he knew that he wasn’t.

Shou sat down on the couch and stared onto his mobile.

He opened the LINE app. For some reason, there wasn’t always a notification when you received a message. Some error in the programming, he mused. Maybe, Yutaka had already replied to him, but Shou hadn’t seen it, because his mobile hadn’t informed him. Maybe he was missing out on Yutaka’s reply for unnecessary 18 minutes already, since the last time he had checked.

The message from Kenji was the only one unread.

Shou closed the app again and leaned back on the couch.

He was supposed to continue cleaning the shelf, but he couldn’t bring himself to get up and finish the work.

He was so bored. Lockdown made him bored with everything. Sometimes, he was too bored to do something, even if he had already started. The boredom seemed to lessen his concentration and he seemed unable to focus on any task longer than a few minutes. It made reading or even watching tv nearly impossible.

What he really wanted to do, was talk to another human being.

He could just check his messages again. See, if Yutaka had replied in the meantime. Admittedly, it wasn’t very likely. But it wasn’t about Yutaka this time. Shou just wanted to talk to someone. Anyone would be fine. He was just checking on his messages in general. He would be happy about any message, no matter from whom it came. Why was none of his acquaintances messaging him anyway? No one was checking in on him. It seemed as if the lockdown had made everyone forget about Shou’s existence.

Shou opened the LINE app again to see, if anyone would put him out of his lonely misery.

He realized he still had a message from Kenji, which he hadn’t even opened yet. He had forgotten about it.

Shou stared at the message for a long time. It only read “Hi, just wanted to check in on you. How are you?”

Shou realized that he had absolutely no motivation to engage in a conversation with Kenji.

He felt like a hypocrite.

He closed the app again and tilted back his head. He was still somehow angry at Kenji. He knew that it wasn’t reasonable. He had no right to be angry at Kenji for Yutaka not messaging him. He had felt so happy, when his mobile buzzed.

He really ought to get back to cleaning.

Instead, he closed his eyes and thought of men.

Shou was pretty sure that he was bisexual. Just sometimes, he forgot about it, because being bisexual was nothing like Shou had imagined it to be.

All the time while growing up, he had thought being bisexual was a third alternative to being gay or straight and that he would constantly be aware that he liked both men and women alike. He had thought his preferences would be 50/50.

But instead, Shou’s preferences changed. There were times when he could think of nothing but boobies and the smell of pretty women and the shape of their necks and he was completely convinced that he was straight. But then there were phases – and they usually came whenever there was a special guy in his life – where it was all broad shoulders and a crazily high consumption rate of gay porn.

Whenever those phases hit, Shou remembered every guy he had ever liked. Not his exes; Shou had never really dated another man. But he remembered how he had been too nervous to get out even one word in front of the cute friend of his brother in high school – divine dimples and the darkest eyes Shou had ever seen. Or how difficult it had been to meet the gaze of his former boss when still working at the convenience store – cheekbones, perfect cheekbones and something that Shou called ‘natural authority’. And he remembered that this with Yutaka right now was not just a moment of confusion, but something that had always been a part of him, although he forgot about it every time as long as it wasn’t urgent.

Currently, Shou only listened to male vocalists, because he loved their deep voices and how sexy they sounded, and every handsome actor on tv send him drooling as if he had never seen a man before.

Shou knew that he was going through one of his gay phases and he knew that it was because of Yutaka, most likely.

He had always thought that being bisexual meant feeling attracted to men and women alike, that it was 50/50. But Shou felt a 100% attracted to men. He also felt a 100% attracted to women.

It depended on his phase. The problem was, that those phases could change damn fast.

Shou might bump into a cute girl at the supermarket and she might smile at him and Shou would think of how soft her lips looked and how soft the curves of her body and how soft her skin and he would stare at her lips for far too long and think “damn, I’m so straight”.

And he might turn his head and watch a cute guy taking something out of a shelf and he’d stare at his hands, because wow, men surely had nice hands, so veiny and strong and masculine and Shou would think “damn, I’m so gay”.

Both thoughts could basically hit him within the same heartbeat and it was exhausting.

Because Shou felt damaged already. He was too greedy, too needy. He was looking for love so desperately, clinging to even the slightest display of kindness as if his dried-out heart could only be healed by another’s love. And he was a pervert, too. Thinking about sex all the time. Far more than the rest of the world for sure. Because if the rest of the world thought of sex as much as Shou did, humanity as a whole would never get anything done and they’d still be stuck in the stone ages today.

All this led to only one possible conclusion.

Shou wasn’t bisexual, not in the way that other people were at least. Because his desires seemed to be stronger than those of normal humans, Shou was both the straightest and the gayest person on the entire planet.

Sometimes, he wished to get a break from his own feelings. He didn’t want to be bi. He wanted to go to sleep.

Shou decided that he would check his mobile one last time and then he would go back to cleaning.

His phone would surely have buzzed, if Yutaka had messaged him within the last minute, but since he was about to go back to cleaning, he wouldn’t check his mobile in a while (ten minutes at least!), so it was only reasonable to check one last time.

Shou opened the LINE app.

He had two new messages aside from Kenji’s. They were from Yutaka.

Shou’s heart did a weird thing, where it stopped beating and then beat faster, or maybe it did nothing at all and Shou just imagined it, because his chest felt so strange suddenly, as if he was trembling on the inside.

Yutaka must have messaged him during the last two minutes. Shou’s first thought was, that Yutaka had looked at this chat only moments ago. He had thought of Shou, while Shou had sat here, thinking of him. They were soulmates! Their thoughts were basically synchronised! It was a sign of how well they went together! It was fate!

His second thought was, that it had been almost impossible for Yutaka to catch a moment where Shou didn’t think of him, or was not checking his phone. It wasn’t so much a matter of fate, as rather of percentage.

Shou closed the app without reading the message.

It wasn’t that he was scared of looking too eager. Yutaka usually read his messages pretty immediately. (Yes, Shou kept the chat open, to see when the notification would change to ‘read’.)

Shou didn’t read the message, because he needed to finish cleaning first.

It wasn’t that reading the message would be his treat. It was just, that reading Yutaka’s messages knocked him out for far too long and he didn’t get anything done afterwards, because his mind turned scatty and unfocused.

He usually read Yutaka’s messages once, greedy and curious. Then he read them again more closely, stopping at every paragraph to think about it properly. Then he stared into space some, thinking about his own opinions on the matter for a while. Then he read the message again, making sure he had not missed anything in it. Then he closed the app. Then he opened the app again and read the message again for the sheer comfort of it. Then he checked the time and realized he had no recollection of the last hour whatsoever. It was always the same.

Shou hated himself for being so unable to control himself and for being so unproductive and for feeling so strongly about Yutaka, when it was just Yutaka. At least, he could put off reading the message and force himself to get the minimum of work done that way.

Shou got up and went back to cleaning the shelf.

He kept thinking of the number two. Yutaka had sent him two messages. Shou wondered what they would say.

He also wondered what was the worst. That he hadn’t noticed how likeable Yutaka was for all those years already? That he was risking their friendship? Shou didn’t worry about the band so much. He was able to keep it professional. But if he fell for Yutaka, their friendship would be tainted. Of course, Shou did not intend to ever confess to Yutaka. But he would start to feel uncomfortable in his presence. Being alone with him would become painful. He would lose the intimacy between them, just by no longer bearing it. Or was the worst that Yutaka would not like him back?

Yutaka liked men. He had outed himself as bisexual to Shou years ago. He had been confident about it and not confused at all. Maybe it was 50/50 for him. Maybe Shou was fucked up. Maybe Shou was doing being bisexual wrong. Maybe that was why everyone else seemed surer about it. Shou wished he had Yutaka’s certainty.

The fact, that technically, it was possible for Yutaka to like him back, did not make it easier for Shou.

Should he try? If he liked Yutaka – which he still wasn’t sure about, because it would be a stupid thing to feel – maybe he could seduce Yutaka. Even if Yutaka didn’t like him now, Shou could try to charm him, flirt with him. Maybe Yutaka would fall for him, even if Shou wasn’t exactly the man of his dreams. Shou wasn’t handsome, but he was smart and talented and he was difficult to deal with, but he was loyal and generally kind, and if he could only convince Yutaka of his good qualities, maybe that would be enough to make him dateable. They had gotten along well for years already.

Shou imagined what it would be like to date Yutaka. How the staff would talk behind their back. How Jun and Kenji would look at them. What his parents would say, if he brought Yutaka home.

Shou loved the thought.

He knew that he shouldn’t, because all the scenarios were awful. But in a guilty pleasure reality tv show drama, he loved it. He imagined kissing Yutaka before a rehearsal. He imagined getting caught. He imagined how proud he would feel to get caught with a guy like Yutaka. He imagined how good it would feel to see that Yutaka wasn’t embarrassed, either. Because Yutaka would love him enough to take all the sneers and gossip and no matter what everyone said, with Yutaka by his side Shou wouldn’t feel ashamed for the life he was leading.

Shou knew that it was just a day dream fantasy he liked to entertain, of course.

Most of the time, he felt ashamed of the life he was leading already, even when he had nothing to hide.

Shou put away the towel and looked at his clean CD shelf. Well, that ought to be enough for today.

Finally, it was time to check Yutaka’s messages. He sat down on the couch again and opened the chat.

 To be honest, my main problem

with not knowing what to tweet

about is that I don’t think I’m

very interesting LOL. I mean, I’m

doing stuff! I’m eating! If I made

a tweet, whenever I ate something

out of boredom, our fans’ timelines

would be FULL. I play videogames.

I read manga. But nobody cares!

I get, what you say about fans

wanting to know everything. I see

your tweets and I actually don’t

think they are boring. I get why people

would want to read them. But I

still can’t get used to the thought

of being a celebrity. I’m not Hyde! LOL

And even when someone I admire

posts about their breakfast, I

usually wish they would shut the fuck

up. Maybe it’s easier for you to imagine

the fans’ feelings, because you are more

curious by nature, aren’t you? You

always want to know what is going on

with the people you like. I just assume

the people I care for will message me

directly, if there is something in their

life I should know about. Maybe that’s

why my relationships always failed wwww

I wonder if I don’t care enough sometimes.

Wait, how did we end up here? I just

wanted to say, I don’t know what to

tweet about, because I feel pretentious

posting every time I yawn ^-^; I guess I’m

a little insecure, about why people would

find me interesting. I mean, most fans

like me for the crazy stuff I do on stage.

But you are the one writing most of our

performances. Maybe I should hire you

to write my tweets? Aren’t you jobless

now anyway? LOL

 Speaking of which, it also hit me hard,

that all the concerts got postponed. I

really hoped we’d be able to go back to

normal in late summer. It really leaves me

at a loss for what to do with the rest of

the year, though I’m sure you little sadistic

bastard will come up with something to

keep us busy anyway ;; Since you are such

a workaholic, I can imagine that it must hit

you even harder. But I will try to take it as

an opportunity to rest, and you should do

the same. We’re not young anymore. Maybe

the time to relax and think of even new

concepts for the band is exactly what we need.

Aren’t people going to get bored with Kenji’s

ass sometime? We could try to think of

something new, to stay different and original.

Maybe we can get Kenji to show his balls next.

Or rather, the tv stations. Convincing Kenji

won’t be the problem LOL

 And thanks for asking! I actually slept very

well the last night, too. I listened to you counting

sheep, but I feel asleep after just ten minutes.

Are you even doing the full ten hours?! No

one will ever know, everyone is asleep before

that wwwwww

Anyway, I’m feeling healthier now and more

rested. I guess touring was stressing me out. Or

your videos are really improving my sleep! I had

problems with it for so long and was always

tired, but now it’s all gone. Thank you,

Mr. Sandman ^-^

 How have you spent the day? Hopefully you

weren’t all gloomy, because of the tour! Please,

watch some porn, to cheer yourself up LOL

 Shou went to rereading the message. He wondered if Yutaka was right and Shou really was more curious than the average person – or at least more curious than Yutaka. Shou figured it was a nice way to say he had an obsessive personality and that Yutaka was absolutely right with that. Shou found it easy to imagine that his fans cared about what he cooked for dinner, because when he liked someone, he wanted to know what they ate, how many hours they had slept, whom they had talked to, what they had seen and thought and heard and smelled throughout the day. Because he was the worst and Yutaka knew. But he hadn’t pointed it out in a mean way.

In fact, his messages made Yutaka sound kinder, always. He sounded more vulnerable, too. Shou was sure, that in a face to face conversation, Yutaka would never have admitted to not knowing what to tweet about, because he didn’t find himself interesting enough.

Shou assumed that it was due to the format, that felt more like exchanging letters than having a real conversation. Taking your time to put your thoughts into words properly and not fearing a direct response made it easier to open up.

And Shou wondered if it was the format that made him like Yutaka to begin with. He liked vulnerable, honest Yutaka. He might even have a little crush on him. And maybe it was the real Yutaka indeed.

But that did not change the fact, that in real life, they would never be able to talk like this. Even on the phone, Yutaka would not say any of those things out loud. Shou probably wouldn’t either. Which meant, that his whole crush was a lie.

He liked Yutaka’s letters, not Yutaka. Hearing his voice, looking into his eyes, wouldn’t cause him nearly the same excitement as the buzzing of his phone did. Which meant that Shou was stupid and crushing on a fantasy construct build around only a small part of Yutaka and that construct would not outlast reality. It made sense, though. He knew Yutaka for so long already, if he liked the real him, he would have realized so long ago. He wouldn’t have needed a worldwide lockdown to make him realize his own feelings.

No, his feelings were based only on the soft and vulnerable parts Yutaka showed him in his messages currently. Admittedly, his messages also sounded a little rude sometimes. Reading them, Shou could imagine all too well, how Yutaka would sound while saying them out loud “Are you even doing the full ten hours?!” He’d say it angry and mockingly at the same time. He wouldn’t sound vulnerable, but the words had a different quality, when Shou knew how Yutaka meant them. The messages exposed a side of Yutaka, that Shou had not been aware of before. It made him regret his words at their last meeting even more. In real life, Yutaka hadn’t seemed bothered at all. But the Yutaka from the messages had probably been hurt. Shou had probably hurt him.

Shou left the chat and opened Kenji’s message instead.

“I’m good, thanks”, he typed. “Hope you are doing alright, too.”

Then he closed the app.

There. He wasn’t obsessed with Yutaka or anything. He hadn’t sat down immediately to answer to him. He had replied to Kenji instead. Therefore, he had proven himself that he did not care for Yutaka specifically.

Shou did not know why he had replied to Kenji at all.

He knew that he had done so to trick himself into believing he didn’t give special treatment to any of his bandmates. But since he knew he had only done so to prove a point, it meant that he wasn’t really in denial about his own motives, which again meant there was no point in replying anyway. He told himself a lie, although he already knew he wasn’t buying it. He might as well be honest with himself and admit that he had a horrible weakness for Yutaka.

Shou got up and decided to start preparing dinner. It wouldn’t take him long, because dinner would basically be meat with seasoning. He tried different seasoning every day. But he stuck to meat. Shou loved meat.

He got out his favourite pan and thought about Yutaka’s message.

Was Yutaka right, that Shou was more interested in people in general than Yutaka was? Was Yutaka’s indifference the cause of his relationships never lasting?

Shou tried to recall Yutaka’s past relationships, or what he had seen of them at least.

The memory made him feel queasy. He wasn’t directly jealous of Yutaka’s former partners, but they made him feel insecure.

Shou couldn’t answer Yutaka’s question from his own experience, because his dating experience was poor compared to Yutaka’s. He had never reached the point where it got really serious with anyone. He had never moved in with one of his girlfriends. He had missed out on a lot of things he should already have done at the age of 35 years. When it came to general life experience, Yutaka seemed to be older than Shou. Shou wondered why Yutaka even wanted to talk to him about such things. When it came to dating, planning a marriage or just making compromises in a relationship, Shou felt like a toddler. He had no interesting observations to offer to Yutaka in this regard.

Sure, Shou had other good qualities. When it came to their work, he was an expert. He took pride in the songs he had written and the stage programs he had come up with.

But when he talked to Yutaka about their daily lives, he still feared that Yutaka would deem him ridiculous at some point. In some areas, Shou was painfully aware of how underdeveloped he still was.

Shou also wondered, if Yutaka was right and he should use the sudden free time on his hands to think of new concepts for the band, to make sure they wouldn’t get stuck in certain routines too much. Golden Bomber’s biggest achievement was that they defied every set category. They had to watch out not to become their own category, either.

And Shou wondered, if his videos were really helping Yutaka with sleeping.

He knew that Yutaka had problems with getting a good night’s rest for years already. So, he had recorded the first video as a secret present to him, and to make up for what he had said.

He hadn’t expected Yutaka’s excited reaction, though. Yutaka had messaged him on the day of the first bonfire video, telling him how much it had helped him relax and how grateful he was. Somehow, they had ended up talking about what kept them awake at night, and the conversation had turned deep fast. They had exchanged the worries on their minds and then they had started to talk about the current situation and by now, the origin of the text messages didn’t matter anymore, because the topics kept changing and evolving anyway.

And because Yutaka had been so happy and excited, Shou had taken to record more and more videos.

Because the videos gave them something to talk about, too, and Shou made sure that their conversation kept going that way. And because Yutaka had actually looked rested during the last video conference and because Shou felt proud when Yutaka wrote him he was happy about a new upload, and because he wanted Yutaka to see him, to make sure he didn’t forget about him, while they were not meeting in person, although that was stupid of course, because after all those years, it wasn’t like Yutaka would just forget about Shou’s existence. And because he had wanted to apologize.

In the latest video, Shou had recorded his own voice for a change. He had sent it out to Yutaka to put him to sleep. And because he hoped that Yutaka would understand, what he really wanted to say with it.

I’m sorry I hurt you.

It would probably be easier to just write down the words and send them.

But then, Shou was scared of addressing the topic, because he still wasn’t sure about what had happened on the last day, they had seen each other in person.

There had been this cute girl from the staff again, who had talked to Shou a couple of times before. And because Shou was infatuated fast, whenever a cute girl took the time to acknowledge his existence, he had tried to impress her a little too hard. Shou was always bad at hiding his crushes. Yutaka shouldn’t have made fun of him in front of her like that, though. It had been rude. But it did not excuse the things Shou had told him afterwards. Yutaka wasn’t a good-for-nothing. He wasn’t dumb. He wasn’t ignorant.

But Shou was scared to tell him, that he hadn’t meant it, because then they would have to talk about that day. He was scared to ask Yutaka, why he had badmouthed Shou in front of the girl like that. He was scared that it might be, because Yutaka liked her, too. Now, that Shou liked Yutaka, he would be horribly jealous, if that was the case.

He was scared of Yutaka asking him, if Shou really liked her, too. Because he didn’t anymore. Not now, that he was chatting so intimately with Yutaka for several weeks already. But he couldn’t admit that. Because then Yutaka would know that Shou liked him, and things would turn weird and tense and Shou did not want to risk it.

So, he sent his voice out to Yutaka, saying other words than the ones he really meant. And the words faded away without reaching Yutaka, because Yutaka could not possibly understand what Shou was trying to say with them. His words were nothing but vibration in the air, because he couldn’t say what he really meant.

I’m sorry I hurt you.

Dinner was ready and Shou poured it into one bowl, that was big enough to hold everything he cooked, so he saved himself the trouble of having to clean several dishes afterwards.

He went back to the living room and sat down at the table. Before he started to eat, he fixed his mobile again.

He felt like a hypocrite, because Shou told himself constantly, that he wasn’t waiting for Yutaka to message him desperately. But he kept his phone on himself all the time, while he was waiting for Yutaka’s replies. As soon as Yutaka had messaged him, though, Shou forgot his phone lying around, as if he had suddenly lost all interest in it. His phone only mattered as long as Yutaka might text him.

Shou opened the LINE app. No new messages.

At first, he felt a tiny pang of disappointment, because he was so curious to hear Yutaka’s opinion on all the thoughts he had just had in the kitchen.

Then Shou realized that he hadn’t texted them to Yutaka yet and felt ridiculous immediately. Of course, Yutaka couldn’t read his thoughts through telepathy and reply to something Shou hadn’t written down yet.

Shou felt a little guilty for not replying faster to Yutaka. When it was the other way around, Yutaka could never reply fast enough for Shou’s means. Since he always took ages himself, he wasn’t mad at Yutaka for taking his time of course, but honestly, Shou wished Yutaka would text him every five minutes throughout the day. He couldn’t get enough of reading his texts and the giddy feeling they caused in his chest.

Shou ate in silence and wondered what he should do after cleaning the kitchen.

He could reply to Yutaka, but then, he’d rather take his time with that and wait for a moment, where he felt properly relaxed to focus on what he wanted to say. Typing the messages to Yutaka always took him quite a while, not just because they were long, but because he needed time to collect his thoughts while he did.

Yutaka had suggested Shou ought to watch porn to cheer himself up.

Maybe Shou should try that.

The thought, that Yutaka wanted Shou to watch porn was actually quite hot. Maybe he thought of Shou masturbating. Maybe the thought turned him on. Shou could send him a dirty message afterwards. Or even attach a picture. That would be sexy.

Shou loved sharing pictures of his dick. The thought of the other person seeing it turned him on somehow. Thinking that Yutaka would get aroused by the sight made Shou feel excited in return.

It would also be a good test, Shou thought.

He could put it as a joke. After all, Yutaka had brought up the porn first. And Yutaka had seen him naked many, many times before.

But it was also an offer to flirt. If Yutaka ignored the picture, or scolded Shou for sending it, Shou would know that Yutaka wasn’t interested in him and they could brush it off as a joke. But if Yutaka complimented his dick or wrote something dirty in return, Shou would know that Yutaka wasn’t opposed to him. He was pretty sure that Yutaka enjoyed their conversations as much as Shou enjoyed them. He just didn’t know if his messages caused the same fluttering in Yutaka’s chest, or if Yutaka spend way too much time thinking of Shou throughout the day, too. Yutaka’s reaction to a dick pic would make his feelings towards Shou a lot clearer – either way.

So far, it sounded like a good idea. But then Shou wasn’t sure, if he might not be crossing a line with that. Maybe it would make Yutaka uncomfortable, because he thought that Shou was sexually interested in him. Shou did not want Yutaka to think that. Unless Yutaka felt the same. Then Yutaka was supposed to think that by any means.

And what, if Yutaka just didn’t like Shou’s dick? It was a pretty good dick, at least there was nothing wrong with it. But maybe Yutaka didn’t find his dick sexy for some reason. Because it was too small or too big or not shaped the right way. Or because Shou was his friend and he couldn’t look at his dick objectively. If Yutaka didn’t find Shou attractive as a person, maybe he automatically wouldn’t find his dick attractive either.

All in all, sending a dick pic was a pretty bad idea.

Shou cleaned the kitchen and returned to the living room.

His mobile was blinking. The green light meant he had a notification from LINE waiting for him.

Probably Kenji, who had replied in the meantime.

Shou did not feel excited to check his phone at all.

Yutaka had already sent his reply. The message couldn’t be from Yutaka. Shou didn’t really feel like talking to anyone else.

He switched on the screen anyway to check.

He had three new messages from Yutaka.

Every single one of Shou’s organs took to tapdancing. He wanted to throw up. Why did he feel so excited? So nervous? He wished his body would calm down. Yutaka had messaged him thousands of times before the lockdown. How had those few weeks changed Shou’s feelings enough to provoke a physical reaction like that? He hated his body for not obeying to his mind and staying calm.

Shou opened the messages.

 I was googling shit on the internet,

because I was bored. I found out that

this is a character from a children’s

program overseas. It made me think

of you immediately.

 Below that was a picture of a life-sized loaf of bread with a face on it and arms.

 According to Wikipedia, it’s a bread

with a gloomy personality and

depression LOL

 Shou felt overjoyed.

The message itself wasn’t really great, admittedly, but Yutaka had texted him, before Shou had even replied to his last message. He had thought of Shou. Alright, he did have a good reason to message Shou about the bread character. With Shou’s love for bread, it was natural that Yutaka had thought of him.

But Shou still felt flattered and excited, that Yutaka had thought of him. He had read about a depressed bread and Shou had been the first person he had thought of, the first one with whom he had wanted to share his findings. He had seen the article and thought “I need to tell this to Shou”. It was a clear sign of affection. Solid proof, that Yutaka thought of him, even when they weren’t chatting at the moment.

Or just solid proof, that Shou was the only gloomy person with a strong love for bread in Yutaka’s life. Shou preferred the first option, though.

And Yutaka could have waited until his next reply, too. But he had wanted to share this with Shou so urgently, he had broken their natural text chain. It had to mean something.

Shou was aware that he was clinging to straws now. It was the picture of a bread, not a love confession.

But the sheer kindness of the words “It made me think of you immediately” overwhelmed him. Shou had always been bad at expression affection like that. Maybe that was, why all of his relationships had ended badly. He wanted to know everything about the other person, but he didn’t give much in return. He hid the words he really wanted to say under so many other words, that no one could hear them anymore.

He wished he could just text back “I’m happy you thought of me”, or “I appreciate you are not scared to let me know you care”. He felt appreciated by the short message and wished he could evoke the same feeling in Yutaka.

But then he thought of disturbing the routine they had established with their text messages so far and of appearing too clingy and of not finding the right words anyway and he closed the chat again. Shou sometimes hated being himself.

He wondered what to do next and decided to go for the porn. He could shoot some pictures, even if he didn’t know if he would share them with Yutaka yet. It was always good to have some back-up dick pics ready in case you needed them.

He thought of Yutaka looking at his dick and getting aroused. He imagined Yutaka touching himself.

Shou started to grow hard before he had even switched on his computer.

He could have switched on the VR headset as well. VR porn was pretty much the best thing that had ever happened in his lifetime. But today, he didn’t really feel like he needed the porn at all. He was just using it as an alibi. His thoughts were on Yutaka mostly, anyway.

He had bookmarked his favourite porn on his computer and picked one of the videos randomly.

Shou pulled down his pants and stroked himself lazily while watching the actress on the screen moaning and sighing. He did so until he was properly hard. It didn’t really take much for him. Shou was lowkey horny most of the time anyway.

He opened the camera on his phone and tried to get a good angle of his erection. He wasn’t proud of it, but he had a lot of practice at finding the right angle. As a celebrity, he shouldn’t have been doing so, but whenever he dated someone, Shou ended up sending out tons of dick pics anyway. He enjoyed imagining how excited it would get his girlfriends. In his imagination, it usually worked better than in reality. Most girls just told him to stop eventually.

Shou swiped through the photos he had taken. He was pretty pleased with at least three of them. His dick looked good on them. It wasn’t arousal he felt while looking at the pictures, but the pleasure of feeling sexy at least. If Shou received those pictures from another man, he’d be fapping to them for sure.

He put his mobile aside and looked back onto the computer screen, where the porn was still playing.

He tried to focus on the video, but he could only think of Yutaka. If he sent those pictures, maybe he would even get something in return.

Shou thought of pictures of Yutaka’s dick. He got excited by imagining the sight. But he also got excited by the thought, that Yutaka would trust him enough to share those photos with Shou. He got excited, imagining Yutaka wanting to be sexy for him. He imagined Yutaka saying his name.

Shou grabbed a tissue and ejaculated into it. He let out a low gasp and felt warm and peaceful now, although the orgasm hadn’t been exactly strong. Shou hadn’t really been in the mood. He had just been excited to take those pictures.

He switched off the porn and opened LINE on his computer.

It felt a little weird to reply to Yutaka right after having masturbated, but then, Yutaka would never know, so what did he care? And the sooner Shou answered to him, the sooner he could hope for a reply from Yutaka again.

 I have prepared a bunch of tweets

for you! “I’m an idiot!”, “I’m a jerk!”,

“I’m a dumbass!” I really immerged

into your personality, so I’m pretty

sure, this will fool people into thinking

it’s actually you talking (^-^)

No, seriously, I understand why you

would feel insecure if what you have

to say is actually interesting. I feel

that way, too. I’m pretty sure that

everyone does. But don’t think of it

as telling the fans something about

yourself. It’s just about letting them

know you are healthy and alright.

Nobody cares what you had for lunch,

but a lot of people care to know that

you are okay. Even if you just tweet

“still healthy” and nothing else everyday

people will be happy. You are not boring

them, you are soothing them. So,

don’t think too much about what you

are tweeting. It doesn’t really matter :)

Also, I don’t think you are too cold at

all. Everyone who knows you can see

that you care. If your exes didn’t see

that, they weren’t paying attention to

you and therefore didn’t deserve you

anyway. You may be right about me

being more obsessively curious, but it’s

not like it’s a good quality. It’s exhausting

to feel like that. I wish I could care just a

little bit less at times.

 And if people become bored with

Golden Bomber and demand something

new, we will just have to exchange the

members one by one. I’m sure that

will make things more interesting again :D

I obviously can’t leave the band, since

I basically AM the band, but with the

other members it shouldn’t be a

problem. You’re all useless anyway! We

will start the replacing with the member

around the longest, which would be …

oh, bad news for you, dude LOL

I’m sure we will find something to do

instead of the tour, though~

 And I’m glad you slept well! Please,

watch my videos carefully (^-^)

Of course, I did the full ten hours,

though! I’m not a lazy asshole like

you!

 I actually did watch AV today! Acky

got me fired up as always! Here, I’ll

attach some proof - to show I wasn’t

just gloomy all day ;D

 Wwwww I love the bread! Bread is

the best! … though I wonder what

you are doing, checking foreign

children’s tv characters! You have

nothing better to do?! LOL

 Shou went back to rereading his message. He always spent too much time editing them before sending. Deleting passages, which would mean he was oversharing. Adding passages, where something remained unclear. He always made sure Yutaka would understand what Shou was talking about, even without recalling the original question. Yutaka’s memory was pretty shitty after all.

Shou wondered if Yutaka spend that much time editing his messages as well. Probably not. It was Yutaka. He surely just sent the message as he had typed it down, without second guessing too much. He never filtered his words as much as Shou did. He never overthought his statements. And, most importantly, he did not care for Shou’s opinion as much as Shou cared for Yutaka’s opinion. Because from Yutaka’s point of view, Shou was probably just his friend since high school. Shou wasn’t someone he was romantically interested in. Of course, Yutaka cared less.

Shou stared at the paragraph about porn.

He had written it with the implication that he was going to attach a dick pic. Although he wasn’t sure he was going to. No, actually, that was bullshit. Shou had known he was going to attach a picture the moment he had taken them. He had even decided on which one to send already. Three of the photos had turned out nicely. But he couldn’t attach all three. That would look both vain and desperate. He had to settle for one. His favourite.

Shou hit send.

Then he opened LINE on his mobile and selected the picture of his dick. He clicked send once more.

Then he inhaled sharply.

He had probably made a mistake. But it was too late to take it back. The picture was out there. It was both a horrible feeling and a very liberating one.

He kept the chat open on his computer.

He took another long look at the dick pic. It was larger on the computer. It was a pretty good picture. His dick looked nice. He hoped Yutaka would think so, too.

Shou wondered, why he loved sharing nudes that much. He figured that he needed the appreciation. Of course, the fans told him he was cute and handsome all the time. But he wanted to be desired. Physically desired by a person, who actually knew him. Who knew what he looked like up close and without makeup. He wanted to feel sexy, just the way he was. He also wanted to be held sometimes and wanted someone to stroke his hair gently. He wanted to be attractive to someone, both physically and emotionally. But Shou wasn’t sure anyone would love him for his personality, not really at least. He was likeable. For the fans, he was adorable, too. But was he lovable? Shou wasn’t convinced of that. He’d be happy already, if someone just wanted to fuck him.

The status of the messages turned to read.

Shou felt sick again.

Yutaka had seen the message. He had seen the picture of Shou’s hard dick.

Would he react immediately? Would he tell Shou that he was gross and disgusting and should not harass him like that?

Or – and that was what he hoped for – would he react immediately with a more enthusiastic reply? Would he tell Shou how much the picture turned him on? Like, right now?

Shou waited.

He waited some more.

After ten minutes of just waiting he realized, that Yutaka would not react immediately. He would probably take several hours to reply, as usual. Those hours would be utter torture for Shou.

Couldn’t Yutaka imagine how nervous Shou was about his reaction? Or did he not consider that at all? Did he assume Shou had shared the picture as a joke, because he did not care about anyone seeing him naked? Knowing Shou’s attitude towards nudity, it wasn’t even an unlikely assumption. Shou couldn’t blame Yutaka, if that was, what he was thinking. Maybe he should be glad, if Yutaka didn’t read anything into the picture. Shou should probably be thankful that Yutaka was taking so long, it meant his feelings hadn’t been found out.

Of course, the original intention had been to find out, if maybe Yutaka returned his feelings in any way. But then, Shou wasn’t even sure if it was alright to speak of feelings on his side at all.

Sure, he was a little infatuated, but that happened fast - as soon as anyone showed interest in him, because he was just so starved for affection. It would probably blow over soon. At the latest, when he saw Yutaka’s stupid face again and remembered whom he was dealing with. His idiot high school friend, no one else. Shou wasn’t even sure he liked men that way. Yes, he had been recalling past incidents like the one with Yutaka now only recently. But if Yutaka didn’t count, those incidents didn’t count as well. Just because Shou thought of fucking the delivery man when he read out Shou’s name, didn’t mean he would actually do it. If he thought the same about a woman, though, he would certainly fuck her, if he got the chance.

Yutaka for example was so sure about being bisexual. Shou wasn’t sure. Which probably meant that he wasn’t bisexual. And if he wasn’t bisexual, it was impossible for him to be in love with Yutaka. And if he wasn’t in love with Yutaka, he had never been in love with another man, either, because his feelings had hardly ever been this strong before. If Shou had never been in love with another man, he therefore wasn’t bisexual. It was a flawless line of argument.

He figured that he needed to distract himself somehow, or his own mind would drive him crazy.

Shou did what he knew he wasn’t supposed to do.

He opened the latest ASMR video he had recorded to put his fans to sleep, switched off the sound and skipped right to the middle of it.

He stared at himself on the screen and tried to imagine he was seeing himself for the first time.

The first impression wasn’t that bad. Blonde hair, makeup. Alright.

He tried to imagine that Yutaka saw him like this. He wondered if Yutaka thought he was attractive.

His lips actually weren’t looking that bad.

But his teeth. Oh man, he really hated his teeth. And the shape of his face. Was his face really that round?

Shou told himself that he was just checking the video to make sure his fans were seeing him in a good light when watching the video.

But he could tell that the camera angle was awful.

Shou hated the shape of his face. And the eyeshadow was actually smudged on the left side. Why hadn’t he checked in the mirror, before recording the video? He looked fat, too.

Shou tried to imagine seeing himself as a stranger again.

Maybe it wasn’t so bad. At first glance, he didn’t notice the small details at all. To a stranger, he might be attractive even.

Shou skipped back a bit.

No, there was really no way to unsee it. He was fat.

The blonde hair, the makeup. It didn’t make him look good. It made him look like he was trying too hard. He looked like an ugly person, trying to look good, but unable to cover up his own ugliness.

Shou skipped forward in the video.

He was sitting so hunched over. His body was too small. It looked bad. He wouldn’t want to see a person like that naked.

Truthfully, he had recorded those videos for Yutaka to see him. For Yutaka to think he looked cute. Maybe even for Yutaka to tell him he looked cute. He wanted to make a good impression.

But he had failed.

Yutaka would see how small and chubby and ugly he was.

The whole thing was stupid, of course. Yutaka knew what he looked like. He had seen Shou many, many times before. He wouldn’t base his opinion on Shou’s looks on those videos.

But then, Yutaka wasn’t seeing him currently. All he saw of Shou were those videos and his face during the occasional video calls. He’d be influenced by what he saw for sure. And what he saw was ugly.

The video was over.

Shou jumped back to a random point of the video he hadn’t seen before.

His eyeshadow had been smudged from the very beginning. Without stylist, Shou was lost. There really was no way to make someone like him look good. The angle was not helping, either.

Shou thought of the fans as well. They would see his ugliness, too. And those were real strangers, people Shou had never met before. Maybe even people who weren’t fans would end up clicking on those videos. They would wonder why a person with Shou’s looks was even trying. He looked ridiculous with the makeup. Like he was too stupid to realize he was a lost cause.

Shou stared at the screen hypnotized.

During the last weeks, he had developed this habit, although he knew it was harmful. He couldn’t look away. He couldn’t stop listing his own physical flaws to himself. He shouldn’t be doing this. He shouldn’t be hurting himself like this. Shou felt so ugly, he wanted to claw off his own face.

It was strange, because over the years, he had pretty much stopped feeling self-conscious about his own appearance. This was what he looked like, so be it. There were a lot of fans, who called him handsome. In general, Shou did believe that people out there might find him attractive. Just when he watched those videos, he couldn’t believe it.

He checked the time.

It had gotten late already.

He should stop watching the video.

He opened another one, one of those he had already posted.

He looked bad in there, too. His face felt uncomfortable hot.

Yutaka had seen him like this. What had he thought to post something like this? Surely, Yutaka had wondered about it, too. Surely, he had thought that Shou looked ugly.

Shou wished no one would look at him ever again.

Everything about the way he moved was awful. No other human being he had ever seen moved like that. And what was with those facial expressions? That wasn’t normal. Surely, people wondered how he could still leave the house without feeling ashamed of being seen.

Shou switched off the computer.

He shouldn’t be doing this to himself.

It was late and he should go to sleep. Lately, he had taken to getting up early. It was helping him stay positive. He should be going to sleep early, too.

Shou got ready for bed and lay down. He switched off the lights and stared into the dark.

He was alright. He had no reason to hate himself.

He imagined Yutaka holding him in his arms.

Shou knew that he shouldn’t be imagining such things, either. It was making his infatuation worse. He was adding more details to the Yutaka he had constructed in his mind. He was making it harder for himself to fall out of love with that construct.

But all the same, he couldn’t bear lying in bed alone.

The mobile on his bedside table buzzed.

Shou’s whole body went tense, but he relaxed again immediately.

Yutaka never messaged him that late at night. Yutaka had gotten his sleeping schedule under control recently. He was probably asleep already. It was most likely just Kenji replying to his last messages.

Not really interested Shou took up his mobile in the dark and checked.

He had one new message from Yutaka.

Shou inhaled shakily, before opening it. This time, Shou wasn’t even trying to put it off. He wasn’t trying to lie to himself. He couldn’t wait to read Yutaka’s message.

He thought of the dick pic he had sent and felt awful.

Now, he would find out.

 Thank you, that was actually

pretty good advice! I understand

that the fans want to know if I’m

alright. I want to know the people

I care for are healthy, too. I will try

to view it that way and think less

about the contents of what I’m

posting. I want the fans to be happy

and not to worry about me after all.

And I think it’s nice that you care

so much. I’ve always liked that

about you. You’ve always been very

considerate of others. It shows in

your songs, too. The fans can feel

that you are interested in them,

and that it’s genuine and not just

one-sided on their behalf. That’s

why they love you.

 Please, don’t fire me! I’ll get a new

haircut or something! LOL

 Oooh, that’s hot! I’m glad you didn’t

loose your libido yet, otherwise I’d

start to worry ^-^

 I swear, it was just an accident that I

was looking up those things! I was

doing, uhm, research? LOL

 Shou read the message three times. Luckily, it was pretty short.

“that’s hot!”? What was that supposed to mean? Did Yutaka think Shou’s dick was hot? Like, in a sexually appealing way?

But if Yutaka thought so, why hadn’t he said so more explicitly? Was he just saying that, so he wouldn’t appear rude? It did sound like the bare minimum reply, that wasn’t totally turning Shou down, but not expressing interest either. It was the polite way of saying that he didn’t care to see Shou’s hard dick ever again, wasn’t it?

Or did the exclamation mark mean, that he actually really meant it? That he wasn’t just finding Shou’s dick hot, but very hot indeed. Was he too scared that Shou might have made a joke only to react more strongly? Was it a hesitant, polite way of letting Shou know that he was intrigued by his dick, but did not want to push the situation, in case it made Shou uncomfortable?

Shou wished Yutaka’s reaction had been stronger. He would have loved to read something like “your dick is sexy, I want to suck it” or “damn, you made me all hard as well”. In that case, he would know what he was dealing with.

But Yutaka’s reaction could basically mean anything.

Maybe it was Shou’s own fault. He had put his message like it was meant to be a joke. He had made sure that the backdoor was still open for escape. He had even mentioned Acky. A woman. Of course, he still liked Acky. He still liked her a lot. But rubbing that in could have been the wrong approach to get Yutaka’s attention.

If Shou had written something explicit like “I don’t need to watch porn, I just think of you” instead, it might have gone differently. If he had been brave enough to be that direct, maybe Yutaka would have been brave enough to be direct as well. Shou couldn’t really blame him for staying tentative, when he himself had been cowardly, too.

Maybe Yutaka had not understood what Shou was asking him with that picture, because Shou had once again chosen words that did not say what he really meant. Maybe, Yutaka hadn’t heard the words implied, because Shou hadn’t actually voiced them. Maybe he was as much at a loss about how Shou felt as Shou was at a loss about Yutaka’s feelings.

If he really wanted to know, Shou ought to ask.

He switched off his phone and put it aside.

Well, those were clearly problems for tomorrow. He preferred typing the longer messages on his computer and he had already switched it off. And it was late anyway. He was supposed to sleep. And even if he sent a reply now, Yutaka would probably only see it tomorrow, so why bother?

Shou tossed in his bed.

He should sleep. Why was it so hard to fall asleep?

He thought of all the things he wanted to tell Yutaka. I think I like you. I want you to hold me. You make me feel confused about my sexuality. What makes you so sure you are bisexual? Do you like me back? Why have you made fun of me in front of the girl I liked? I’m sorry I hurt you.

Shou picked up his phone again, turning it in his hands without switching it on.

Maybe he should just tell him.

Instead of just recording different words for Yutaka, that ended up as nothing but meaningless vibrations in the air, he should write down what he really wanted to say. He’d have it black on white. A remaining proof. Not just vibrations that would vanish the moment he spoke them. He needed Yutaka to know. It had been weeks now and still he hadn’t made sure that Yutaka knew.

Shou wondered if it was alright to text Yutaka now. He had only just texted Shou. There was a fair chance he was still awake. He wouldn’t be mad, if Shou didn’t reply to the rest of his message, would he? Or should Shou type out a full reply? The message wasn’t that long this time. But then, it would take too much time and Yutaka might fall asleep in the meantime.

Shou unlocked his phone and opened the app.

He stared at their chat for a moment.

Then he started typing.

 I’m sorry, this is not the reply yet.

I’ll reply properly tomorrow. But I

can’t sleep. I keep thinking of what

I said the last time we saw each

other. Talking hasn’t been weird

since, so I guess you are not mad.

But I still feel sorry. I should have

told you sooner. I’m sorry.

 He hit send, before he could change his mind. The message turned to read almost immediately. So, Yutaka was still awake.

Shou kept the chat open, wondering if Yutaka would reply right away. He hoped he would tell Shou that it was alright and that he forgave him for all the ugly things he had said.

The screen of Shou’s mobile changed. It started buzzing.