• Killua doesn’t sleep well, and when he does, he often dreams about losing you, whether it's his family hurting you, or you walking away because he isn’t good enough. He wakes up in a cold sweat, gripping the sheets, only to check if you're still there.

• Whenever things feel too perfect between you, there’s a part of Killua that expects it to fall apart. He might unconsciously pick fights or act indifferent, as if testing whether you'll stay. Deep down, he wants you to, but he’s afraid of the answer.

• If you ever get caught up in danger because of him, he’ll blame himself entirely. He might even tell you to leave him for your own safety, even if it breaks him inside. "You’d be better off without me."

• Killua struggles with apologising out loud, but he hates making you upset. If he hurts you with his words, he’ll show up later with your favorite snack, awkwardly handing it to you with his head down. "I… I didn’t mean what I said."

• He won’t let anything happen to you, but sometimes his protectiveness becomes suffocating. He gets frustrated when you put yourself at risk, even for small things. "Don’t be reckless. I can’t lose you too."

• Killua isn’t great at expressing his feelings. If he’s hurting, he’ll pretend everything is fine. But if you gently push him enough, he might quietly admit, "I don’t know how to do this. I don’t know how to be… normal."

• He acts like he doesn’t care, but the fear of you leaving terrifies him. If you ever walk away during an argument, he’ll act stubborn for a while, but the second he realizes you might not come back, he’s running after you.

• When things are bad, Killua reminds himself of the good. The way you laugh, the way you ruffle his hair, the way you hold his hand without fear. He holds onto those small moments because they prove he can be loved.

• It takes a lot for Killua to cry, but if the weight of everything ever becomes too much, and you’re there, he might just crack. His walls crumble as he buries his face into your shoulder, whispering, "I'm so tired."

• If there ever comes a time when he’s genuinely happy with you, he’ll have a brief moment of panic. He’s been conditioned to believe that happiness never lasts, and sometimes, he wonders if he should let go before it gets taken from him.

• If someone ever hurts you to get to him, it destroys him. He’ll take down the threat in an instant, but after that, he’s consumed by guilt. He’ll sit beside you, gripping your hand tightly, whispering "I’m sorry, I’m so sorry."

• If you ever decide you can’t stay, Killua won’t stop you. He’ll watch you walk away with clenched fists, biting the inside of his cheek to stop himself from calling out to you. Later, he’ll stare at the spot where you last stood, whispering to himself, "I knew it."

“let me guess. gon woke up late again, and that made y/n panic, which just made everything even worse?” the dashing albino unenthusiastically complained as you and gon said nothing, but sheepishly grinned. “god, you two are hopeless.” killua sighed as he turned his back, and started walking through the school gate. “eeesh, so meann!” you sarcastically giggled as you started chasing after the silverette, gon following soon after.

you eventually reached your class, while walking over to your designated seat, you spot a significant person. THE guy.

ever since middle school, you’ve had a pretty hopeless but really huge crush on a guy. you two were quite good friends back then, but since everybody reached high school, he decided to mingle with kids he deemed more “useful and beneficial”. unfortunately, you were not one of those… or is that fortunate? what is unfortunate though is that you still have a raging crush on that guy! its not your fault he was naturally attractive, had good humour, flawless grades and was so easy going. you’ve liked him for such a long period of time, that recently you’ve been considering on trying to talk to him.

in the midst of your infatuation for the man you had been eyeing for so many years, a pair of sharp sapphire eyes were practically glued onto you, from the back of the class.

its not fucking fair. killua ABSOLUTELY adored you, and not in the way that gon does for you. even during your days in kindergarten and elementary school, killua already knew he had a thing for you, and only you. however, the frustrated albino never frets about you and gon’s relationship since he was aware gon never truly found interest in anybody, both men and women. killua is observant enough to notice all the times gon specifically placed his hands on you at appropriate spots during hugs, and when he says “i love you” only during birthday celebrations or when you’re really down about something, gon’s love for you was totally platonic. the raven haired boy was no trouble at all, unfortunately that could not prevent you from finding interest in other guys.

every single time when killua realised you were looking at the other guy instead of him, he felt his heart being gouged out. the times you would stare at him in class. the times you used to laugh at his jokes in middle school. the times you purposefully tried to make eye contact with him. the times you brought up topics you knew the guy was interested in, during conversations near by just so he could hear you talking about it. the times he would see you liked all his instagram posts.

its not that killua never put in effort. he would abruptly buy you your favourite flowers for no reason. he would always come over every day to check up on you. he would always give you his homework for you to copy off of. he would always share his chocolate robots with you, which was something intimate for the albino. killua would also always go out of his way to give you the most lavish, biggest and extravagant gifts for your birthday. the silverette genuinely tried, he really did. so why were you constantly looking at that man, and not him?

“hey! um.. i really like what you posted on instagram lately! that place looks super cool.” you approached your beloved crush’s side and suddenly exclaimed. you could definitely feel the anxiety screaming within you though. “uh, thanks. yeah, its a chill place.” he barely turned his head as he was packing up his bag. “heh, no problem.” you nervously start toying with your hair. “anyways, i gotta catch my next lesson. cya.” your crush said as he began walking out the door, not even waving “bye”.

“what a nice guy, huh?” your childhood friend sarcastically remarked as he walked over to your side, hands shoved into his pockets. “shut up killua! i just have to talk to him more!” you playfully shove your “friend”. “do whatever the fuck you want, i guess.” sapphire eyes burning with jealousy and bitterness, as he walked away without facing you once more.

the poor boy’s heart felt like it was lit on flames, burned to nothing but dust and ash that sha’ll be scattered to the winds.

“whats the matter kil? you certainly look down!” gon questioned with concern, as he joined killua in the hallway, to catch up to the next subject that they both participated in. “nothing.” the secretive albino looked down at the floor, hands still in his pockets. “come on killua! how long have we known each other for?” the ravenette bursted killua’s protective personal bubble. “nah, y/n’s just fucking around with that guy again.” killua gritted his teeth as he stopped in his tracks, no longer moving towards their next class.

“oh.” gon gently let out, knowing this was a sore subject for his dear friend. “gon, i don’t fucking get it. that guy barely looks at her, yet she’s head over heels for that bitch.” killua folded his arms insecurely, still not daring to raise his head. “you know… maybe its time you just tell her how you feel.” gon got on his knees, and looked up so he could look into killua’s eyes, as the albino was certainly not raising his head up any time soon due to his shitty mood.

“listen kil, i’ll support you no matter what, alright?”

“i know.”

“if you do know, then you should confess to her!”

“how does she not see it already. so fucking obvious.”

“just tell her, please.”

“kay.”

“oh em gee, kil! i have wonderful news!” you jumped around, exploding with excitement. “what?” killua still sour from the events of earlier today. “hehe! he invited me to hangout with him and his friends after school tomorrow!”

silence laid its touch onto killua. gon’s affirmations still remained fresh in his brain. this was it, this was the moment.

“hey… y/n.”

“yes?”

“i love you.”

“huh? yeah of course, i know that kil!”

“fuck.”

“hm?”

“are you fucked in the brain or something?”

“what the hell killua! thats really hurtful..” you were taken aback, killua seemed to be genuinely mad suddenly. “you’re so fucking dumb, you know that?” the albino covered his face with his hands and started laughing to himself

“are you okay?” you question, your childhood best friend now seemed really unusual. “of course im not fucking okay, y/n!” killua hissed as he raised his voice. “whats wrong with you? i don’t fucking know unless you tell me bitch!” you scream back, discreetly trying to hide how scared you were in reality. sure, killua was impatient and rough but you’ve never seen him this riled up before over anything.

“i love you more than anything else! … i want you.”

your mouth laid agape, your mind felt clouded with shock and you couldn’t find any words to give out.

“i’ve.. i have loved you my entire life, y/n. i’ve always known i loved you like no other since we were kids.” the sapphire eyes were now fighting back tears, with all the strength he could muster. “but… but you never said anything…” your head still messy, trying to just push out whatever you could think of to say. you could hear your heart pacing up rapidly.

“i always gave you my all! all those flowers and constantly expensive gifts weren’t something even gon would do for you!” killua couldn’t hold it in anymore, he held his head with one hand as he felt his face soak with tears.

you stood there, silent. no words, no movement, no response.

“i’ve given you my all, and loved you endlessly but you still only want that fucker who barely gives a shit about you.” the albino’s voice was now laced with complete bitterness and lovesick-ness.

“but.. he invited me to go out with him tomorrow…” you slowly mutter out, trying your hardest to clear your head.

“are you a fucking idiot? he doesn’t give a shit! i overheard him in the guys bathroom saying he only wants to fuck you.” killua slapped you into reality with that information.

your eyes widened, feeling hurt and also guilty. this was now the time, you could finally admit to yourself.. that you always knew killua had a thing for you.

its just that you didn’t want to face it.

“when will you open your eyes to shit around you? do you know how worrying it is?”

“i don’t want to wake up… killua.”

“face it y/n, your dad doesn’t want you, your mom has no place for you in her life currently, that guy doesn’t love you.”

“i just wish it could all go away.”

“wake up, for me. please?”

“…”

“i beg of you.”

20 years have since escaped out of the reaches of your hands. you started a life with someone else. gon was now travelling around the world for his work.

“mommy, where are we going?” your daughter asks as you hold her little hand in yours, leading her somewhere foreign to her. “mommy wants to bring you to meet someone new.” you look down at your lovely child, smiling.

“say hi to uncle killua, okay?” you whisper as you nudge your daughter towards the matured silverette.

“hi uncle killua!”

“hello, its nice to finally meet you.”