OPEN FILE: APOTHECARY QUARTERS - PERSONAL LOG
BEGIN AUDIO PLAYBACK
Going back to Tython again was interesting, to say the very least. The last time I went - to give evidence against one of the ones responsible for the new variant rakghoul plague - I was such a mess. Honestly, I don't even remember what was going on in my head beyond focusing on the task at hand. It's the Council, after all, and I still felt fairly ... I don't know how to put how I felt about my role as Apothecary at the time. Temporary? Makeshift? They had to do with what they had, what with Yuloru having her own difficulties, Katrai not being remotely ready to take that sort of responsibility for the care of others yet (though I can see it in her, someday), and the young miraluka squire ... I say 'young'; she's about my age, as is Katrai, but somehow I feel old as Malachor V some days... In any case, I suppose how I felt was that I had been named in the field because at the time, they didn't have anyone else, and someday, someone better would come along and they could give the job to someone deserving. But if I was all they had, I was going to perform the duty to the best of my ability, no matter how disoriented, distraught, mentally compromised or otherwise hurting I was. When the lives and well-being of others depend on you, you can't really give anything less than your all ... even if I do sometimes have to balance the care I wish to give with the limits of what is actually possible. You can lead a bantha to water but you cannot make them drink, after all.
So as Sylvanne and Nebulis and Sin'volace were Named to Archivists and Ranger respectively, I stood on my own in the courtyard on Tython, feeling a strange combination of peace and unease and also feeling very conspicuous. Also superfluous. I was named Apothecary, after all; there was technically no reason for me to be in a 'centre of attention' spot at any point in the proceedings. I was glad for Sylvanne, though. As much as she overworks herself, she has a keen mind and a hunger for knowledge, and once she learns a little bit of moderation and self-care, I think the Archives will be good for her, and vice versa. I was still thinking that when the Archon came to stand in front of me radiating a certain amount of self-satisfaction, informing me that "Seems this is a little past due" and bidding me kneel. Then he not only formally named me Apothecary but named me Lead Apothecary. So the medbay, and the training of those therein, is now my responsibility.
I have been more or less running medbay since I first arrived in it, always wondering whether it was right to do so. No one had any complaints, anyway, and it needed doing so I carried on. Now it's official, and I don't know what to think besides 'I hope I can live up to this'. Everyone says that the point is that I have been, every day since I arrived; I'll take them at their word but it's not a bad thing to keep in mind regardless. While I don't intend to work myself to death the way I used to (mostly because it sets a very poor example), having that drive and desire to live up not to the expectations of others but to the ideals set by the Marran Code and by myself ... I wouldn't be what I am without that, and probably wouldn't have earned the honour in the first place if I wasn't driven to be the best I could. I am more the Shield than the Sword, perhaps, but that suits me well.
...I wish Sedryn could have been there. Everyone else had their fosters there, except perhaps for Sin'volace. I got a holocard from Sedryn today - he heard I'd had a birthday, finally, and sent along his best wishes ... but I think he would have liked to see me formally gain the honour that was as much his doing as mine, in a way. But Maelana came, which was very touching, particularly given how nervous she is at the very idea of Tython. The only reason I trained her in the first place was because of her never wanting to go there. And Aurrin was there, but I think that was mostly to see if the general consensus that Alasha was to be named Arbiter would prove true. Even if I did hear him ask if it was common practice to cheer at a Naming when the Archon stepped up to me. I think the only thing I said at the time was to ask someone to tell him 'no'. I didn't dare make another sound; I was fairly sure that all that would come out was ... Force help me ... 'meep'. It wasn't as if the Archon needed to ask if I felt ready, anyway. I'd done the job long enough to more or less prove that whatever I had to say on the matter, I was.
Which is why no one was surprised - besides Alasha herself, of course - that Alasha was named Arbiter along with Ani'rel. The consensus from everyone else was 'about nerfing time' and she'd earned it countless times over as far as I could see from her work within the Marran to date, but even with forewarning of the possibility through the speculation from Master Jai-din and myself ... she was still surprised enough to oblige me to shore up my mental walls because the shock and confusion could be felt fairly clearly. She settled down after that, at least.
So ... I am not in as good a mental state as I was previously. There are still some problematic issues, particularly with the arrival of this new individual, Brilane. I don't trust her, and that brings out some ... foreign elements that I don't particularly like. However, for the moment, I'm not going to worry about it too much. Aurrin says that I'm stronger than I think I am. He's wrong. I don't know where I came by it, but I know my own strength, and it far exceeds any experiences I can remember that might have shaped it. Maybe it's inherent, or I just have a remarkable amount of mental fortitude, or both. Either way, the fact that I cannot simply be rid of one set of construct fragments the way I was the other is going to be a problem to some degree or other for the foreseeable future, but it's up to me to fight the various issues that come up. The Sword and the Shield, after all. If I'm going to shield anyone, I suppose I should start with myself. That's not to say that I won't have help, but somehow it's easier with Aurrin. Maelana's a pressure cooker with feet, Alasha has a new job to settle into and has done quite enough already ... Aurrin feels a need to pay a debt, and he probably understands what I'm going to have to do to resolve this better than almost anyone else. But he needs a break and a certain amount of spoiling as well, it occurs. Plus I have several tonnes of cooking ingredients to use before they spoil. Thus, knowing his fondness for cinnamon, I will roll up my sleeves and come up with something appropriate to appeal to his taste for it.
Also, note to myself - if they were serious about building some sort of secondary kitchen ... bistro ... thing, I may have a blush-related aneurysm. I do have to wonder why I am so fond of so many people who seem to live by 'go big or go home'...
