#ihlrath

PERSONAL LOG - KEEPER FYET-GREYSTORM

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It has been a week or so of conversations that were probably long overdue.

The first one was with Rilus. Given some of the ... things I’ve seen - things that have seemed no less looming and imminent than they did when I first saw them, with Alendar and Master Sortek - I had concerns about being parted from the Marran. Through disaster or through choice, no matter what Mae said, I refused to assume that Rilus would stay with me if pressed on the matter. For all our relationship has lasted two years now, we made no promises beyond ‘duty first’, and he’s highly reluctant to make any. So no; I was not about to assume that he would go with me, stay with me, if I had to be somewhere else. I also refused to press him on the matter or ... be invasive to find out for sure, because that’s not right or fair. Mae, however ... Mae has no such compunctions, so she shook him for awhile until he initiated the conversation himself. To her credit, the shaking was entirely verbal; she’s doing very well. ...In any case, Rilus reassured me that he would stay with me wherever I went, no matter what. I ... am gratified by this. Although I have a feeling that Maetra is going to get wind of this and send him a selection of engagement rings. My adoptive family has a history of never leaving well enough alone.

Mae, as I said, is doing very well. Arbiter Nyomi and Master Sortek concur. The Archon ... well, he had a word with me a few weeks ago about my taking Mae as my padawan, voicing nothing but concerns. He asked if I’d asked the Council, what we were doing about the Force-bond between us ... the fact that he hadn’t even realised that one formed betwen us two years ago and that the Primatrix would have told him as much in any report that involved Moyval Gesh’s holocron... It’s troubling. In any case, he said he would be keeping a close eye on the situation. I ... just hope it’s not a lack of trust.

I suppose some of my worries on that score have been mitigated, as the Archon apparently suggested to the Primatrix that she come to see me for a physical, just to ensure that all medics in her immediate vicinities had a full understanding of her current condition. She said that she had just wanted to be left alone, and not be poked and prodded. I wish she had told me that before, but what’s done is done. I don’t know if the distance that grew between us can ever be entirely bridged. I am not so far along that I even know how to try to do something like that. It ... it doesn’t help that she’s so excited about her pregnancy at the moment that it often comes up in conversation. In medbay, it’s all filtered in my head - it’s assessing a patient’s condition from a medical standpoint and that’s all. In a social context ... it’s something I can never have. Even if Rilus wanted to, even if I could try surrogacy ... the Primatrix knows why my ova aren’t viable. It’s a literal impossibility for me. It saddens me a little. But I can’t just tell her not to talk about it. She’s bottled it up for so long and she is so excited about it. I think I can manage. After all, emotional control is something I seem to excel at.

Beyond that, the cure for the Doom was implemented a few weeks ago and according to reports and data forwarded from the garhoon homeworld, it’s working exactly as intended. I anticipate that we’ll be receiving reports of new conceptions amongst the garhoon within the month. Meantime, we’re working on restoring Srina’idash’s memory, and I’ve managed to convince her to consent to what I have merely termed ‘a procedure to prevent further seizures like the one she had in the brig’, which is technically true. Additionally, the MeepMobile missions are going well and I’ve managed to isolate a vaccine for a particularly nasty and virulent strain of Corellian flu that has been spreading like wildfire through various Republic outposts. I don’t imagine the Empire is faring much better so while I probably shouldn’t, I hope they have someone working on a similar vaccine.

And still the rumours and sightings come - attacks on Outer Rim outposts, with both Republic and Empire being targeted. The Primatrix says we will probably look into it soon.

PERSONAL LOG - KEEPER FYET-GREYSTORM

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He ... she ... I just ... I don’t...

*deeeeeeeeeeeep breath*

I don’t know why it was decided that we would have the gathering to sit and eat and talk. At least, not so suddenly. With so many away on their own business, it might have been prudent to wait until more people were on-world and able to attend such a thing. Then again, maybe it’s better there weren’t more people, all things considered. I don’t think that went very well.

I ... understood, to a point, that this was supposed to be a forum for those with issues with the current state of leadership to speak their minds. I ... suppose I had hoped that doing so would allow for compromises to be reached. Just ... unfortunately, before any of us were allowed to speak, Kanth ... he... He threatened to have Nauur taze anyone who spoke out of turn. And then gave a lesson in order following that involved Nauur pointing a rocket at Arbiter Nyomi. Maybe she wouldn’t have done it - it was an example, I understand that - but Mae and Rilus have both gone over with me the first rule of ballistic weapons safety. You never point your weapon at anyone at whom you do not intend to fire it. That was unsafe. Also, there were people between her and Arbiter Nyomi. I was one of them.

I ... tried to bring up that threatening to taze people who spoke out of turn, and threatening to shoot people who stepped out of line, was not the best method of instilling trust. I was told that if trust was not forthcoming, then governing by fear would suffice. ...Kanth was surprised that few people had anything to say after that. This is Imperial thinking. This is ... this is just wrong.

I ... I hope the Archon doesn’t know about this. I hope that if he did, he’d do something. He put Kanth in charge; he surely wouldn’t think that Kanth would ever behave like a... like...

*siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh* Like Master Garr.

When I reclaimed as much of my memory of that time as I could from the Draconus, whose mind I inadvertently left some of them in ... I did it to face my past, to not run from it. I didn’t anticipate that the Marran would ever trigger unpleasantness from those memories, vague as they are. But that meeting... How is it that here, the place that taught me that I have a voice and I am a person, can make me feel like that cowering little girl again, terrified of retribution if she speaks out of turn?

On one level, I don’t want the Archon anywhere near here. The empathic feedback from all of this is bad enough for me; I just get headaches and have been taking so much bahat-mint tea as a consequence recently it’s a wonder I don’t turn blue. But given how he sustains himself ... the mood here would poison him. Mae is so angry and upset she wants to leave. Zhara’s entirely overstressed. Akaira is concerned and unhappy. Master Sortek is ... as mutedly concerned as he ever gets. This is just the little bits I can pick out through the feedback all over this place. I know that Mychae at least passed through and her frustration and concern just in passing was like an ice pick to the skull. The Archon does not need any of that, if his mood is as bad as what little I’ve heard indicates. Though I don’t suppose that being soul-bonded to the Primatrix, who is increasingly moody these days, helps with that either.

But mostly? ...Mostly I just want him back. Please, Archon. Please come back. Please come back and help us be who and what we were before all this happened. Before you don’t have anything to come back to.

I ... have a few last minute bits of preparation to do for the cure for the Doom - last checks and such. I will do that, hug the cat and try to stay out of everyone’s way. But I’m ... worried, and sad. I have a voice because of the Marran. And now it’s the Marran that, intentionally or not, that’s taking it away. That ... the Archon wouldn’t want that. He wouldn’t want any of this.

PERSONAL LOG - KEEPER FYET-GREYSTORM

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I have yet more cause to be grateful for the bahat-mint tea. Which Primatrix Alasha calls ‘the blue tea’ but ... well, colours. At least I know what blue looks like, thanks to her.

...I miss her.

She’s not gone, is the thing. She’s still with the Marran, though granted spending most of her time on the Nova Talon these days. Just ... she’s different. I understand why. I’ve seen why in her blood tests. The Harvest is hitting her hard and the changes are getting to her. I understand. I sympathise. Just ... that does not make her any more approachable. So I miss her. I miss well-meant snark. I miss ... feeling understood. Now I watch every word, every action. I don’t know what will get me snapped at.

Which I suppose is part of the rest of the issues. Apparently Klasisa, the Archon’s padawan, reported to the Jedi Council that she felt that the Archon was in some way compromised by the Garhoon, being influenced by the Queen somehow. It’s possible, but ... I haven’t seen any indication of it. I do think that there’s a ... problematic divide at this point, though. For the Archon and Primatrix Alasha, it’s ... the overall impression seems to be that to them, the Garhoon civil war is ‘their people’ first, and a fight against the darkness second. I ... don’t know how much truth to that there is. In the face of their reaction to the situation on Alpherides versus the situation on the Garhoon prison world... Well, I would like the clarification, but as long as it is a fight against the darkness, I’m hardly about to gainsay the Archon’s orders or question whether his mind is his own. No matter how old the Queen is, and even if there are ways around the Flames kicking off, if the Queen’s intentions aren’t strictly dark. After all, the Flames did not stop the Queen from inducing a state of relaxation in Primatrix Alasha - and yes, I know it was perceived as for her own good.

But therein lies the problem. The Queen may have been right in that instance, but the issue with the Garhoon is that they seem to be of the impression that with age comes wisdom, and therefore they are wiser than all of us, and know best. There’s an expectation that we will follow unquestioning no matter what they ask and how few details they give. There’s an expectation that we will simply trust that their intentions are honourable. Or at least, that’s the impression given by the Queen and by Agthas. I tried to explain that perhaps a little humility might not go amiss, but ... that did not go over well. Perhaps I didn’t explain it properly, but being told that the Garhoon would not try to put themselves in our shoes because to empathise too deeply with individuals who they will long outlive is too ... emotionally trying for them ... it put paid to the conversation a bit. I understand that, but ... only on an intellectual level. If I lived as long as they do ... I’d like to think that I’d embrace every experience, every brief and fragile life, and carry it when they were gone. A person returns to the Force, after all; life is infinite. Its infinite variety of shapes is what makes the galaxy worth living in all that time.

In any case, the summation is that there is tension enough around the Rest that it bludgeons me on a regular basis, thus the headaches, thus the bahat-mint tea. I miss speaking to Alasha over things. I wish I knew what was going to happen when the Archon gets back. Agthas says he might never trust us again after what his padawan did. I hope that’s not true. It’s not him we question. Or at least, I don’t. I don’t know enough about the Queen or Agthas to be sure, though I like him, in a way. If it weren’t for the subject matter, I’d find our philosophical debates quite interesting.

The Jedi have been ordered to cease all work on things involving the Garhoon until the Archon’s return. This includes the Doom, apparently. You can’t just pause a research project, though. Samples degrade. Time skews results. I’m still working on it, but they didn’t know I was working on it anyway. That ... did worry me, the implication that they shouldn’t know, but ... I won’t let a species die this way. Ostensibly this is part and parcel of working on Ly’nai’s fertility or potential lack thereof, but that only goes so far. I’ve been at this for over a week, I have preliminary data coming in, and the only way I will stop is if someone prohibits me entirely. And even then ... I honestly don’t know.

Meantime, Alpherides. It’s all gone entirely to nerf and we’re apparently having to face a being that’s a combination of many powerful Sith presences who is making the planet like unto a Ziost. At least I managed to clear Zhara and Maelana (who is still in the brig and may be looking at the end of her military career) and thus not accept the punishment due them in their stead at the hearing, before it all went to nerf. I don’t imagine it would have gone much differently even if Mae hadn’t got Zhara to drug Tyvis Rist. Either way, all I know for sure is that we go down in less than 48 hours to evacuate the Jedi enclave and hopefully destroy the Sith in question, whatever he is now. I know it’s not a Garhoon prison holding a mad and powerful prince who may lay waste to the galaxy if freed because, among other things, the Six had been using him and his ilk like living batteries for a very long time and left them to feel the passage of time in their prisons instead of providing them the mercy of a return to the Force... But it’s still the Dark Side and it’s still threatening an entire people.