#aurrin

Would you prefer 'Mrs Harridin'? Thoughts that could not be allowed headspace, but which tended to creep in no matter how busy Jallira kept herself. It wasn't the first time something like that came up, either; Rilus himself had a tendency to refer to Jallira's adoptive parents as 'the in-laws'. All she'd wanted was to be referred to by one of her hard-earned titles instead of 'Miss'. Instead, she'd ended up with the kind of food for thought that made a singularly daunting meal of the tiingilar variety. That sort of thing simply wasn't feasible. Jallira was a Jedi; Jedi didn't marry unless they were of the Green, and that was not an avenue open to her. Arbiter Rozees had returned to the Jedi Order - as a Master, no less - when he volunteered to take Kot as padawan, but he was Corellian, and that made a difference. One could technically stretch a point and consider him one of the Green Knights. Jallira wasn't Corellian. Jedi weren't supposed to have families. End of statement. But I have a family. Technically, Jallira had three. There was her blood kin - her brother, and this possible uncle. There were the Greystorms. And then there was the Marran as a whole. While some were closer than others, the entire Marran counted as family in Jallira's mind. It wasn't uncommon, either. The Vondoors and the Rozees weren't technically Jedi, but the Oneirous clan... Sometimes, Jedi having family worked. It was simply against the rules. But if you can put duty ahead of family... It was a difficult thought. If you were putting duty ahead of family, were you selling family short? What were you giving to those you loved if you had to turn what you feel off whenever duty demanded? Why did being Jedi mean being so alone? Jallira turned her attention to the weight of her lightsaber on her hip. She believed in the Code with all her heart; she knew that peace could be found despite emotion, serenity maintained in moments of passion, knowledge gleaned from ignorance. She lived the Code. She was a Jedi. She just wondered, sometimes, why the restrictions were so necessary. But then again, what would happen if she wasn't living by those rules anymore? If it came to a choice between Rilus and the Order... She asked herself that question, which always came in Aurrin's voice, the way he'd asked it at the first, so many times. Every time, the answer was the same: I'd choose the Order. She was also having to choose between a newly-rediscovered brother and the Order - and the Marran as well, since her instinct to find Edvar and keep him safe would be in violation of the regulations set down to see to the Marran's safety. She'd chosen the Order then, too. If they asked her to let go of the Greystorms ... well, they wouldn't do that, because Ahri was a Master and she still kept the same ties to family to the point of prank-warring with her sisters ... but if they did, her main question would be whether they could ensure that any pain caused by the snapping of the Force-bond between her and Mae could be rerouted so Mae wouldn't suffer. Jallira would choose the Order, every time. Is that because you truly believe that's the right thing to do; the best thing for you? Or is it because giving your entire heart to someone scares you and choosing the Order above all else means that you never have to do so? Reflection told her it was both. Reflection also told her that at least one person of her acquaintance would prod at her about that until she truly thought about whether that was a healthy decision and whether she might consider revising her stance in the name of being an emotionally healthier individual. "...Well," she murmured to herself, "if he did, he'd be a nerfing hypocrite anyway." With that, Jallira went back to work. Maybe it wasn't the healthiest thing in the galaxy. Maybe Jedi just weren't emotionally healthy in the conventional senses. But Aurrin had once said that you could always change your mind from the negative but when you start an avalanche, it's too late for the pebbles to vote. Even voicing a desire to quit the Order would kick off an avalanche of epic proportions, and she wasn't even sure it was what she wanted. She'd once told Sedryn that there was no shame in feeling lonely; that it was how you coped with it that mattered. Now that she knew how 'lonely' felt, she knew that to be true. From where she stood emotionally at that point, she would rather be true to her emotional beliefs and a little lonely than risk what might come of throwing away everything she'd ever worked for, what she intellectually understood that she'd suffered so much to achieve. Besides ... Jallira Fyet Greystorm Harridin is an awful mouthful in introductions anyway.        

APOTHECARY'S PERSONAL LOG BEGIN AUDIO PLAYBACK Something ... is very, very wrong. Then again, that shouldn't entirely surprise me. After all, we've had more severe medbay traffic through here in the last two weeks than any time in my tenure as Apothecary, short as it's comparatively been. All of them severe, and Kot... I've never lost a patient before. Not like that. This is the first time I've encountered a situation where no amount of Force-healing would help. I ... do not think that I am taking it well, but I imagine that if anyone needs comfort and reassurance right now, it is Yuloru. My issues regarding failure are in no way comparable to what she's going through right now. Still, I ... I couldn't save him. I will have to learn to cope with that, but ... it isn't easy. The fact that Merari has left in frustration doesn't help either - that's two squires I couldn't teach. Clearly I am not cut out for this. Why anyone thought that I could teach anyone, with my limited grasp of social interaction, I have no idea. In any case, one of our number has died to the Kala'shi, and others gravely injured in other altercations. Of course something is very, very wrong. I don't say anything because stating the obvious is really not helpful. Instead, I go about my duties, I do my research and I stay out of the way unless I'm needed. Clearly this is a sort of a baseline standard for me; social interaction of any kind is not something that is going to be a feature in my life. I know it's not a good way to cope with things. I know I should be going out and interacting. Just ... so much of the emotional turmoil I feel all over the ship is ... difficult enough to block out without being faced with it aurally as well as the general sense of it. Perhaps I'm simply tired and have managed to overwork myself again. I should try to 'get out more'. What I really need is a vacation. Some time away from this ship that's not a mission. Aurrin's offered a list of places to go, but ... well, first of all, I think my leave is still cancelled because we can't spare any medics right now - though honestly, what good I'm doing in this state of imminent burnout I have no idea. Then there's the fact that even if I could go anywhere, I'd have to go accompanied, as we live in dangerous times. It's not as worrisome as it was when it was Gesh, but ... I would dearly love just two days someplace where I didn't have to keep my empathy-shields up all the time. And then, of course, there's the fact that while I do want to see Tatooine someday and I really owe a visit to the Greystorm residence on Alderaan ... the only place I really want to go is Dantooine. It's dangerous, I know - we had the issue with the Sith who may or may not be my uncle. But it's home, and we weren't even anywhere near the place where I grew up the last time - even if I had been in a state to appreciate it. My brother's there, and while I have received and understood all the admonitions about emotional attachments and my not owing him anything ... he's still my brother. What little memory of him I have is ... good. And he thought I was dead. I don't think he'll ever really believe it unless I prove otherwise, and the only way to do that is to be there where he can 'see' me. ...I am mindful of my duty and of the risks. I just ... feel as though waiting is a very bad idea. Because something is very, very wrong. Given the incident with Reiner, I'm not sure I can afford to dismiss that feeling as unimportant. But I can't afford to act on it until I know more either. I should know better than to let these things sit; I know I should. Just ... other matters take priority. This isn't even necessarily to do with my personal safety. ...I don't think. I think I liked it better when I was too nerfed in the head to really pick up on the occasional flashes and senses of 'disturbance in the Force'. At least I did not end up pacing up and down my makeshift quarters, talking to my audio journal as a substitute for talking to anyone else and worrying about it. ...And of course, with Merari having left, that's one less research project to occupy my mind. I suppose I can go back to my attempts at an improvement on some of the Flamegrass-containing kolto-ish compounds based on the basic theory behind the Aegis. It'd be far more useful in the field if I could infuse the gel with a similar Flames-imbued electron transfer protein to that found in the Aegis; it wouldn't require so much energy for full effectiveness. Plus the practice at dancing around the 'have I slept' question is useful...        

APOTHECARY'S PERSONAL LOG BEGIN AUDIO PLAYBACK It's all ... a little disorienting. Not bad, but ... disorienting. I've had plenty of rest since the ... well, since my 'self', for lack of a better word ... got so terribly battered in that fight against the aspect of Gesh in the Totem of Madish. I really should see if anything particularly interesting was found in any of those crates. It'd be nice to know that something came of it besides my getting 'fixed'. ...Well. That wasn't all that came out of it in any case, was it? Ajeno is free of his Rakata 'guest', and said 'guest' is ... simply free. And I helped in that, a little; if I hadn't passed along the key to actually 'winning', they might have been there a very long time. Which might well be why the Totem was created the way it was, or developed into that method of arbitration. After all, if you survive on life energy, you probably don't want your sources to go away too soon. I'm still not sure how I managed to be there, even faintly, to stop Ajeno from causing the Rakata presence more pain. I don't know whether it was the fact that I sustained such psychospiritual injury - maybe the Totem of Madish doesn't let go that easily, and it takes time or less in the way of injury to completely leave it? - or ... maybe it was just me reaching out when I sensed distress, even in the state I was in at the time. That does seem to be a habit of mine. It's not a bad one, as habits go. Even if it does sometimes hurt one's heart and frustrate one past the point of reason. Aurrin ... I thought I took things too much to heart but I apparently managed to find a balance between the total disconnect into which I was apparently trained and a nature that seems designed to give, help and support. But Aurrin sees the issues that I ... know are there but can't fix ... and we both keep trying, I ... seem to be coping better. I can't tell him to distance himself from it - he wouldn't be who he is if he did so, and I think he's been not-himself for too long already. I can offer advice on ways to approach the problems he sees without ... mentally and emotionally slamming his head against walls. It's all I can do, beyond offering hugs, occasional baked goods and the reminder that however it seems, he does more good than he knows. I suppose I can relate, in a sense. I ... think I thought it'd be different than this. That I'd be spending more time recovering from foreign presences in my head, stripped memories and the combination thereof driving me to an insanity-place. Instead, it's ... different. It's as if I woke up from a series of nightmares and stepped into a life I've always had. Yes, I'm a little disoriented by it - by the capacity to not only think things through but to speak up with advice that I know makes sense with no doubt beyond 'perhaps this person doesn't want me intruding', which is easily enough fixed by asking if I may offer advice. Disoriented, but not completely thrown. Perhaps my initial spate of ... meeping terror ... when I first joined the Marran got it out of my system. Or perhaps taught me that I can cope with anything. As regards Kot ... all I can say is that however long the problems have lasted, I know what it is to fear change. In his case, I just think that if we want him not to rise to goads, maybe we shouldn't do so ourselves when he goads us. He wants us to dislike him, I think - partly because cruelty is the attention to which he became accustomed too early, partly because it justifies and supports his own feelings of self-loathing. It's easier to hide behind that than to leave yourself open to hurt. So I know he'll push. I haven't reacted very well to it all the time, but I will keep trying. Also I understand that he likes doughnuts. I will make some. And he will probably say something nasty when I give them to him but I will simply leave him with the doughnuts and take my leave. It's probably safer than Greystorm Methoding him. Reiner ... I do worry about him. But I do also see the improvement. His feelings for Ana - what little of them he'll admit to, at least - show that he's starting to open up at least a little, and I'd like to think that I helped him come to that in my own small way. Not that there isn't a ways to go for him - another one where self-loathing is the key; and isn't it strange how many different forms hating one's self takes? - but it's good to see at least a little progress. Then there's Merari. He is going to be a challenge as a squire, I know that. Breaking him of some of his habits ... the problem is trying to explain why some uses of the Force are frowned upon when I have no ... context for the mindset behind some of those methods. I used to, I suppose, but I tried very hard not to internalise anything from Gesh. She may have had control occasionally but I didn't want to keep anything of hers. And that's the issue - knowing when to turn away from some knowledge and experience. Knowing why we don't do something. I should ask Arbiter Alasha for some advice on that - simply saying "It's Dark Side and therefore wrong" is not ... a valid answer when the response is generally, "But it works, doesn't it? It's the intent and motivation, not the act, isn't it?" Because it's not, and I know that, but trying to explain the dark places of the self one has to reach to use some of those abilities is ... difficult when dealing with someone who's been steeped in those ways for two centuries. I speak from experience. ...Still, his fondness for Sam is actually quite cute and he does seem to be trying to fit in somewhat. That's a help. Overall ... I worry about a great many people right now. The tension, the stress ... the being stuck on a ship that is having some technical and supply issues ... running instead of fighting ... I know it will end, but there is a distinct shortage of patience right now. Perhaps the rescue of Kanth's daughter will help somewhat. It will give people something to hit. ...Of course, there may be issues with my own family, now that I've opened that particular ... 'can of worms', is how I heard Captain Ansten put it once. Aurrin theorises that the Sith that led the assault on our caves is my maternal uncle. But as I keep saying to people, it's hardly a pressing issue. I almost never leave the Talon - or the Rest, when we're home - outside of missions. And the first and last person who tried infiltrating to get hold of me ... well, I do wonder how strong the persuasion to become a CPA was, and where it led him in the end. They never tried again, anyway, so I'm clearly not worth that much in the way of effort. Of course ... there's Edvar. I hope he stays safe. I don't know what I'm going to do if my wanting to know whether I had family got the last good piece of it killed or worse. I just ... can't afford to dwell on that right now. Right now, my active rest period is over so I will take advantage of the quiet as some of our number go to this gambling night Ms Lants set up to reacquaint myself with my research projects. I won't be attending said gambling night - there are so many reasons for that just now. Largely, though, I focus on the 'too many people in too many states of mental and emotional high gear'. I may be off active rest, but I'd rather take it slow when it comes to my walls against empathic resonances. Yesterday's altercation ... I didn't block it out well. I'll start with the quiet of the ship and build my way up to full activity, and leave the cards and alcohol for those more inclined.        

I just ... bested a Sith. A Sith Lord. Jallira tried to repeat it to herself, to try to make herself believe it. It didn't work. However much was missing from her memory now, there was just not enough room for that concept in her head. All the prevarications and obfuscations came to the forefront almost immediately. It wasn't a Sith Lord at all - it was fragments of a Sith Lord, largely focused on alchemy and research, built to a cohesive whole with pieces copied from herself. Surely that didn't count. Besides, she wouldn't have been able to do it at all without Alasha's research into matters and Aurrin and Mychae's investigation. Also, she'd barely pressed an attack; she had simply defended herself - poorly - and then set up what was, essentially, a trap. She'd attacked from behind, with stealth and surprise as her only options. That was hardly honourable combat and not what one would call 'besting' anyone and... No. Longstanding habit and a fear of being overly prideful and nerf knew what else always caused her to shrink away from acknowledging anything she'd done. This time, she was fairly sure she wasn't going to be allowed to get away with it. After all, Alasha had sensed much of it - Jallira could tell, mostly from Alasha's own reactions - and even if she hadn't ... there'd been a witness. That right there is where your trust in me stops. The level of intimacy you'll allow. Two months ago, it had stopped at him watching her play her harp. Now she was willing for him to watch her fight - watch her kill or die. That said things, she assumed, though thankfully the things it said weren't complicated and worrisome for her current romance. There were others she'd have been willing to have as witness; Sedryn. Rilus. Alasha. Mae, though she'd worry for Mae if that were the case, more than for the others. Merari. Reiner, even. There were people in her life now; people she trusted. People she let in. What was more, she accepted there was an 'in' to allow people, so to speak; a 'her' to see on the inside. It hadn't even been a year that she'd been with the Marran. She remembered how she'd been - what she'd been - when she first met them all in a Nar Shaddaa cantina. So much had changed so very quickly, and now... You're a Jedi, Lira. An honest-to-galaxy hero ... the one in a million girl. It wasn't a way she could comfortably self-identify - not the 'hero', not the 'one in a million girl'. So much else was also unclear about what she was, what she could be - healer, lover, confidant, sister, friend ... all words that could apply, and not a one of them meant 'weapon'. Now, though, she could say with confidence, with a belief that went right to the core and without flinching away from it, that she was Jedi, and Marran. She'd proved it - to herself, and to a witness who probably didn't need the proof but would likely never allow her to dodge the implications of what she'd proven again. You've grown immensely as a person, Jallira. For the first time, she felt she could accept that sort of statement - praise and all - as her due.        

Then the vision went dark, and an eyeblink later, he could see the others around him, waiting for his answer.

Just a few more days. Just a few more days... As a mantra, it didn't help much. In fact, it almost made things worse. That foreign element in her own mind - Moyval Gesh at its core, but the rest constructed from what parts of her the gatekeeper construct of Gesh had been able to access over the course of the last few months - heard it as much as Jallira did, but in its case it was a matter of urgency. The only way Gesh was going to survive, even in that altered form, was to take enough control to get Jallira to renounce the Marran and the Flames and leave. They both knew it. The war in Jallira's head was heating up in its final days. Avoiding people wasn't an option. Neither, frankly, was sedating herself until the day of the mission. There was far too much to do. Attempting to improve the output of the Aegis cores was time-consuming, and with various of the contractors involving themselves with the rakghoul plague outbreak on Alderaan (apparently the normal variant, but Jallira was taking no chances after the messes on Taris, Canti and Nar Shaddaa), analysis of various samples and attempts at concocting a better vaccine were also time- and energy-consuming. And then there was Caer - if nothing else, some preliminary analysis of his blood and various hypotheticals in terms of treatment options would help the other Apothecaries if Caer decided to confide in the others. Add to that her attempts at improvement of the 'soup' for Merari... At least Reiner's wound is fully treated. He may bear the scar to the end of his days, but at least it's a healed one now... The work was a double-edged sword. On the one hand, the biochemical and medical research and experimentation brought up quiet, insinuating suggestions about alchemy that required a few steps away, some deep meditative breathing and a reminder that neither side would come out well if Jallira caught fire. Not to mention the fact that the 'all work, no play' approach was a drain on already dwindling energy reserves. On the other hand, focusing on tasks in such a concrete way helped keep her centred, and use of the Flames in various bits of her research was a comfort, if nothing else - draining, yes, but served quite well at keeping Gesh at bay. Still, she couldn't do it forever. Luckily, she didn't have to. Between Aurrin and his sedatives, Alasha and her mental gifts and Merari with his own means of subduing people, at least any attempts at full-on control could be derailed in its initial stages, and getting off the ship was more than difficult for a miraluka when the general-use shuttle hangar was filled with ylsamiri. Otherwise, she'd have brigged herself days ago ... or tried, though given Alasha's reaction to locking herself in her lab, it probably wouldn't have gone over well. Continuing life as more-or-less normal was difficult, and getting harder all the time. Still, on balance, it was probably better than sitting on her own and stewing over it all. Some conflicts had to be undertaken alone ... but that one was a little ways away yet, and until such time as one-on-one confrontation became a necessity, maybe there wasn't anything wrong with getting a little help now and then ... even if it came with sedation and short-term memory loss now and then. Besides ... it was only a few more days...

Dear Sedryn, I could probably come find you on the Talon someplace, and I probably will when things are a little more settled - probably with baked goods - but for now ... well, for now I am sticking with dictated letter. Which I may never send. Because I am a silly-nerf. Aurrin and Mychae went on an expedition to find out whether the alternate solution to my current issues - the pre-Je'daii relic that is said to allow aspects of one's mind to be drawn out and bested in some sort of 'conflict', the nature of which is still currently unknown - was indeed viable. It turns out that it ... might be. They found the relic - the Totem of Madish, it's apparently called. The problem is that it ... well, there are a few problems with it. Starting with the fact that either the relic itself or the cave formation in which it lies is fuelled by life energy. The entire area is ... frozen in place, for lack of a better way of putting it. No soil erosion, no microbes in said soil, no animal packs, no vegetative growth ... nothing lives in that place, and that's just in 'sleep mode'. At its most active, it requires ... more. Aurrin was unaffected, likely due to his extensive cybernetics, but Mychae was apparently significantly drained after only five minutes, and that was with the relic not actually doing what it was created to do. They did also find a data terminal, apparently containing some research into potential ways of fuelling it without draining anyone, and if that doesn't pan out we may be able to use the Aegis cores, but ... if neither of those things work... Well, apparently if it runs out of 'power' before the conflict is resolved and one aspect triumphs, both are lost. .........It's not even death, either. Not in the 'returning to the Force' sense. The relic - or the cave - is ... Aurrin said 'haunted'. The aspects that lost these conflicts are still trapped in there; all of them. Have been for millennia. That's my fate if I lose - I don't die; I ... become just another voice sustained by whatever unfortunate animal pack roams through the area. Forever. Leave us simply say that contemplating that fate gives me all manner of incentive to win. If I don't, though ... I hope Alasha's successful at freeing the trapped presences if I don't, is all. Merari told me he'd do a very similar thing to Gesh if I lost, but I wouldn't wish that on anyone. In any case, it's ... in progress. Alasha's looking into the notes from the old data terminal and if anyone can make this work, she can. Given some of the variables, though, the Archon may not agree to this one either. If he doesn't, Aurrin says we'll look for something else, but ... I'll be honest; I don't know how much longer I can hold out. The episodes ... aren't more frequent, but they are more ... intense. I can't rush this, I know that, and if ordered not to pursue this, I won't. Just ... this has to end soon, before the option's taken away. That said, I do have something else to fight for. I may have mentioned that I was starting to remember my life before Coruscant, before the Sacking and all the things that followed that ... well, whatever those were. I remembered my name - Aefyet Sohl, though I'll probably never use it again; it sounds strange to me - and my birthworld. Ironically enough, Dantooine, though not very near the site of this Totem of Madish; the Totem's near Khoonda, according to records, while it would appear that I was born closer to Garang, the capital. Aurrin went out looking for whatever blood relatives I may yet have living. I think he was expecting cousins, aunts or uncles, something like that. ...Sedryn ... he found my brother. I have a brother, two years older than me, named Edvar. Apparently he runs an herbalist stall in Garang's lower market, and he thought I was dead. Well, clearly; Aefyet Sohl effectively disappeared with a sense of total mental shutdown when the Sacking started, so how could he think anything else? He ... knows differently now, and he wants to see me. Of course, some of that may have something to do with the fact that Aurrin insisted on telling him I was some kind of hero. People tell me that from time to time and I still don't know how to take it. I mean, I'm pleased they think so but I'm ... not exactly convinced. In any case, I want to see him, but I don't really want to until this issue with the construct fragments is resolved. But ... if things don't go as planned - if the mission is deemed too risky, or if I lose - it may just never happen. And if that happens ... what will Aurrin tell 'Dvar? To lose a sister once is unfortunate, but the same one twice without ever laying eyes on her since before the first time? So ... I have a lot to meditate on. Which I'm doing, as you taught me. If given permission, I will do this. I can do this. For Aurrin. For Mae. For 'Dvar. For you. For me as well, I suppose. For my family. If we can make this work ... I can't promise to win, but I can promise to do you all proud. I will make Bespin cloud meringue cake for the next time 'Kyram' is called upon to taste-test things. And I may as well send this; you already know I'm a silly nerf and I'm unlikely to make it much worse with this. --Jallira

OPEN FILE: APOTHECARY PERSONAL LOG BEGIN AUDIO PLAYBACK Task list: Ensure full update of all medical files. Ensure full update of Archives record of my work with the Flames - what Alasha refers to as ‘Marran alchemy’ - particularly the improvements made to the Aegis for mounting on Basilisks and alteration of the ‘vaccine’ to aid in possession cases. Also ensure that notes on the mental/empathic energy ‘supplement’ injections for Merari are in the Archives - the notes went to Katrai to improve her ‘soup’ but backups are never a bad thing. The Bistro - try to find someone to run it. Perhaps a rotation basis with those within the Marran who enjoy cooking. Ensure Alasha has my recipe collection complete with notes and addenda. Forward copy of said notes to Tlari. Get someone to make uj cake for Reiner and those bourbon chocolates for Arbiter Nyomi regularly. Produce detailed practical exercise notes for Merari to ensure the work towards turning his Force-telekinesis abilities to a less Dark-Sided bent continues. Focus largely on meditative techniques, kinetic bursts and localised groundquakes. Bequeathments: Lightsaber crystal (assuming not kept by Council) - Mae. Pendant from Alasha and veil (if intact) - Rilus. Harp - Sedryn. Music collection (including my own pieces) - Aurrin. Perfumery notes - Sylvanne. Cookery notes - Alasha and Tlari, as above. Sohl (my kitten) - Reiner. Yvrais (my gizka) - Katrai provided that she does not use him for science. Physical remains (if any) - arrangements to be left with the Greystorms, as Ahri disturbed by the idea of leaving my remains to Katrai in the cause of science. Personal notes to all concerned. I suppose a lot of people would take the current to-do list as an indication of lack of confidence on my part. It’s not, really. I’m not really sure what lies ahead - what sort of confrontation I face in this last-ditch effort to free my psyche of Moyval Gesh that Alasha so painstakingly researched - so I can’t say for sure what my chances are. I will do my best. I don’t want Mae, Ahri and Alti to lose a sister. ...I don’t want Aurrin to lose another sister. I don’t want Reiner to lose a friend - he doesn’t seem to have many. Same with Merari - I want to help give him a chance at something better. I don’t want Alasha to have to end two friends in the same week, or watch them be ended, depending. I don’t want Rilus to lose someone else he cares for - he’s lost a wife; that’s enough. With all that at stake, I won’t say I can’t win. I don’t care who or what I’ll be fighting, or how. If I face a Sith Lord, so be it. I won’t say I can’t win. ...Partly, strangely, because that wouldn’t be true. I just can’t say I can’t lose, either. Yes, I have dropped a mountain on nearly a hundred sithspawn once. I’m not sure I could do that again; I’ve changed. I’ve … lost things, for the greater good of my psyche. And for all that, I’ve been knocked to the floor by a single plague-infected man. Whatever Rilus says … I could lose. I know that. Aurrin made that very clear. I will be fighting a Sith. All I can do is calculate the risks, prepare for the worst as best I can … and then, as Aurrin would probably say, play the hand I’m dealt. Aurrin has already gone to do preliminary reconnaissance - probably with Mychae, as they tend towards partnership in field missions. If anyone can locate this item, it’s them … though had they any sense they’d have brought a Force-sensitive. It might have made things easier. He is … also going to be looking into the matter of my blood family. Irony of ironies - the planet upon which this relic Alasha heard tell of is said to reside is Dantooine, which I have of late remembered is my homeworld. I may have blood relations there. I may never meet them - I may decide that it’s futile to see them when I may only have the day - but … it would be well to know, anyway. When he returns, I play my hand. And either way, when that day comes, its end means Movyval Gesh ends as well - permanently. Whether it means mine as well … I have everything to fight for. Beyond that, I can only hope it’s enough.