#sedryn

APOTHECARY'S PERSONAL LOG BEGIN AUDIO PLAYBACK So people tell me to put my foot down ... and then there is trouble when I do. Honestly, I do not think there is any chance in the galaxy that I will ever become any better at this 'social' ... thing. I have largely been locked in the lab the last few days. I imagine Rilus is not entirely pleased about this. At least the stealth sandwiches have stopped (which just proves who was responsible for them; Arbiter Alasha has been a little preoccupied, and understandably so, with injuries that Kanth and the Archon sustained in a battle with Jettak, the Garhoon 'heretic' responsible for this 'undead monster' issue we are facing at the moment), so I feel a little less guilt about putting anyone to any trouble. Still, beyond time spent in the kitchen and some stealth feeding of my own - because I may be busy with various bits and pieces but I'm nerfed to the Outer Rim and back if I will let Rilus subsist on mess hall food - there really has not been time for much else. I imagine that part of this is Ozakif, my maybe-padawan. When I asked advice about his apparent contempt for any sort of discipline, a problem I had already anticipated was highlighted beyond my ability to work around it; a padawan's training is a highly time-consuming endeavour, a way of life being learned, and there was no way that Ozakif could devote adequate time to it if he continued with the Third Marines. So I had to offer him the choice - train as my padawan, or remain with the Third. I knew it was going to be a difficult decision for him, but that is the life of a Jedi. Difficult decisions have to be made, preferably without an emotional meltdown being involved. ...Which means that it is not particularly heartening that his first reaction was to flee for Coruscant, where he feels 'safe'. He has told me that he had trained under masters before, but I honestly do not see it. Did their training go by the wayside so quickly? He did, to his credit, apologise for leaving without saying a word to me, but spent that credit early by informing me that having to choose was not 'fair'. Given some of his experience in the field, I am a little curious as to where he got the impression that life was 'fair'. Any warrior - Jedi, marine, or other - has to make difficult decisions. And in terms of being Jedi ... we are the ones who have to be fair, even when it means that the world is less fair to us than it is to anyone else. That is our burden. It is different for Ozakif, I know this. Most of us began on that path so young that we know no other way. He is starting late, for all he talks about being 'only' nineteen. He is six months or so younger than I am, no more. Chronological age has nothing to do with mental or emotional maturity. Look at Lynai ... Kadin ... Nake. In any case, if I know anything about Ozakif, he is currently on Nar Shaddaa, indulging the gabaki habit I told him to start breaking. He may return, and he may even decide that he is ready to devote his life to the path he said he wanted when he asked that I take him as padawan. But ... honestly, I am not sure he's ready. I'm not sure he'll ever be ready. However, I will keep an open mind and evaluate him very carefully when he comes back. And I will not commit to anything until that evaluation is complete, and ensure that he does not burn bridges with the Third until I am satisfied that he truly is ready to undertake this responsibility. Beyond that ... there has been a great deal of work to do. I am still trying to work on my own branch of research involving Gara - or GARA - and that is taxing in the extreme and currently not going anywhere. There was curing Master Othone, which worked well but apparently must be kept a secret because to make it known that I cured what was deemed incurable would tip Master Othone's hand and put me in more danger than I find myself in already. There is training with Raiyden, who I think is nearly ready to start learning to channel the Flames into compounds for the Aegis cores and so forth. Beyond even that, there was updating the various notes I have been keeping on Force-severance, since Sedryn came to me feeling 'sick' and it was clear that his disorientation was due to his Force connection coming back. Apparently the black substance destroyed the immediate capacity for using the Force but the core of his potential remained, nearly dormant and helped by a Force-bond to his unborn son. Given Tython's state of war, I recommended Alpherides as a place for him to go to retrain himself in the basics. And then there was Caer. I did not mean to hurt her feelings. I just ... do not do well with social situations. I have spent one wedding, one cantina night and more conversations than I can count backed up against a wall because too many people ... I still find it overwhelming in a number of ways. But she kept pressing and pressing for this 'girl's night out' thing and seemed set to bully me into it 'for my own good' and while I appreciate that some progress can be made by throwing someone into a social situation at the deep end ... Arbiter Nyomi and Tomuraan are right; I have to draw a line somewhere. But 'no' was not working. What was left but flagging up the fact that she was trying to impose her ideas on how to live onto me? I tried to soften it with explaining that I am not a particularly social person and get awkward in large groups, and that frankly I am not a 'fun' person in that way. It didn't work. She is still upset about it. So I stay in the lab and hope that Rilus is not going to request that the med droids remove me bodily. I have things to do. Things that do not inadvertently hurt my friends or end up with me fretting unduly over a maybe-padawan roaming nerf-knows-where doing nerf-knows-what and leaving me entirely at a loss for how I will schedule my own life around his non-decision.        

I just ... bested a Sith. A Sith Lord. Jallira tried to repeat it to herself, to try to make herself believe it. It didn't work. However much was missing from her memory now, there was just not enough room for that concept in her head. All the prevarications and obfuscations came to the forefront almost immediately. It wasn't a Sith Lord at all - it was fragments of a Sith Lord, largely focused on alchemy and research, built to a cohesive whole with pieces copied from herself. Surely that didn't count. Besides, she wouldn't have been able to do it at all without Alasha's research into matters and Aurrin and Mychae's investigation. Also, she'd barely pressed an attack; she had simply defended herself - poorly - and then set up what was, essentially, a trap. She'd attacked from behind, with stealth and surprise as her only options. That was hardly honourable combat and not what one would call 'besting' anyone and... No. Longstanding habit and a fear of being overly prideful and nerf knew what else always caused her to shrink away from acknowledging anything she'd done. This time, she was fairly sure she wasn't going to be allowed to get away with it. After all, Alasha had sensed much of it - Jallira could tell, mostly from Alasha's own reactions - and even if she hadn't ... there'd been a witness. That right there is where your trust in me stops. The level of intimacy you'll allow. Two months ago, it had stopped at him watching her play her harp. Now she was willing for him to watch her fight - watch her kill or die. That said things, she assumed, though thankfully the things it said weren't complicated and worrisome for her current romance. There were others she'd have been willing to have as witness; Sedryn. Rilus. Alasha. Mae, though she'd worry for Mae if that were the case, more than for the others. Merari. Reiner, even. There were people in her life now; people she trusted. People she let in. What was more, she accepted there was an 'in' to allow people, so to speak; a 'her' to see on the inside. It hadn't even been a year that she'd been with the Marran. She remembered how she'd been - what she'd been - when she first met them all in a Nar Shaddaa cantina. So much had changed so very quickly, and now... You're a Jedi, Lira. An honest-to-galaxy hero ... the one in a million girl. It wasn't a way she could comfortably self-identify - not the 'hero', not the 'one in a million girl'. So much else was also unclear about what she was, what she could be - healer, lover, confidant, sister, friend ... all words that could apply, and not a one of them meant 'weapon'. Now, though, she could say with confidence, with a belief that went right to the core and without flinching away from it, that she was Jedi, and Marran. She'd proved it - to herself, and to a witness who probably didn't need the proof but would likely never allow her to dodge the implications of what she'd proven again. You've grown immensely as a person, Jallira. For the first time, she felt she could accept that sort of statement - praise and all - as her due.        

Dear Sedryn, I could probably come find you on the Talon someplace, and I probably will when things are a little more settled - probably with baked goods - but for now ... well, for now I am sticking with dictated letter. Which I may never send. Because I am a silly-nerf. Aurrin and Mychae went on an expedition to find out whether the alternate solution to my current issues - the pre-Je'daii relic that is said to allow aspects of one's mind to be drawn out and bested in some sort of 'conflict', the nature of which is still currently unknown - was indeed viable. It turns out that it ... might be. They found the relic - the Totem of Madish, it's apparently called. The problem is that it ... well, there are a few problems with it. Starting with the fact that either the relic itself or the cave formation in which it lies is fuelled by life energy. The entire area is ... frozen in place, for lack of a better way of putting it. No soil erosion, no microbes in said soil, no animal packs, no vegetative growth ... nothing lives in that place, and that's just in 'sleep mode'. At its most active, it requires ... more. Aurrin was unaffected, likely due to his extensive cybernetics, but Mychae was apparently significantly drained after only five minutes, and that was with the relic not actually doing what it was created to do. They did also find a data terminal, apparently containing some research into potential ways of fuelling it without draining anyone, and if that doesn't pan out we may be able to use the Aegis cores, but ... if neither of those things work... Well, apparently if it runs out of 'power' before the conflict is resolved and one aspect triumphs, both are lost. .........It's not even death, either. Not in the 'returning to the Force' sense. The relic - or the cave - is ... Aurrin said 'haunted'. The aspects that lost these conflicts are still trapped in there; all of them. Have been for millennia. That's my fate if I lose - I don't die; I ... become just another voice sustained by whatever unfortunate animal pack roams through the area. Forever. Leave us simply say that contemplating that fate gives me all manner of incentive to win. If I don't, though ... I hope Alasha's successful at freeing the trapped presences if I don't, is all. Merari told me he'd do a very similar thing to Gesh if I lost, but I wouldn't wish that on anyone. In any case, it's ... in progress. Alasha's looking into the notes from the old data terminal and if anyone can make this work, she can. Given some of the variables, though, the Archon may not agree to this one either. If he doesn't, Aurrin says we'll look for something else, but ... I'll be honest; I don't know how much longer I can hold out. The episodes ... aren't more frequent, but they are more ... intense. I can't rush this, I know that, and if ordered not to pursue this, I won't. Just ... this has to end soon, before the option's taken away. That said, I do have something else to fight for. I may have mentioned that I was starting to remember my life before Coruscant, before the Sacking and all the things that followed that ... well, whatever those were. I remembered my name - Aefyet Sohl, though I'll probably never use it again; it sounds strange to me - and my birthworld. Ironically enough, Dantooine, though not very near the site of this Totem of Madish; the Totem's near Khoonda, according to records, while it would appear that I was born closer to Garang, the capital. Aurrin went out looking for whatever blood relatives I may yet have living. I think he was expecting cousins, aunts or uncles, something like that. ...Sedryn ... he found my brother. I have a brother, two years older than me, named Edvar. Apparently he runs an herbalist stall in Garang's lower market, and he thought I was dead. Well, clearly; Aefyet Sohl effectively disappeared with a sense of total mental shutdown when the Sacking started, so how could he think anything else? He ... knows differently now, and he wants to see me. Of course, some of that may have something to do with the fact that Aurrin insisted on telling him I was some kind of hero. People tell me that from time to time and I still don't know how to take it. I mean, I'm pleased they think so but I'm ... not exactly convinced. In any case, I want to see him, but I don't really want to until this issue with the construct fragments is resolved. But ... if things don't go as planned - if the mission is deemed too risky, or if I lose - it may just never happen. And if that happens ... what will Aurrin tell 'Dvar? To lose a sister once is unfortunate, but the same one twice without ever laying eyes on her since before the first time? So ... I have a lot to meditate on. Which I'm doing, as you taught me. If given permission, I will do this. I can do this. For Aurrin. For Mae. For 'Dvar. For you. For me as well, I suppose. For my family. If we can make this work ... I can't promise to win, but I can promise to do you all proud. I will make Bespin cloud meringue cake for the next time 'Kyram' is called upon to taste-test things. And I may as well send this; you already know I'm a silly nerf and I'm unlikely to make it much worse with this. --Jallira

OPEN FILE: APOTHECARY QUARTERS - PERSONAL LOG BEGIN AUDIO PLAYBACK My last entry is moot, and it will be deleted. My leave is cancelled. My intent to seek Revanites for advice is now known, and forbidden … though at least I managed to leave Aurrin’s name out of it for the time being. Would that I had been able to do the same for Rilus, Sedryn (well. Kyram), Reiner and Mae … particularly the latter two, who have had enough issues. Leave is cancelled at any rate, and we have abandoned the Rest, to remain on the Talon, and in hyperspace, as much as possible. The first two hours … we will have the ylsamiri on board. *deep breath* I may have to take Aurrin up on his offer to come aboard the Unexpected Visitor from time to time. I need to minimise some of the issues with this. I am not good at being spacebound for extended periods - I find it disorienting - and cannot sleep well in a room with too many people in it. Add to that the ylsamiri, even briefly … well. Hopefully however annoyed Aurrin is at me right now, he will not take too much issue if I need to borrow guest quarters to get some sleep. I may have to self-medicate until the ylsamiri are off the ship. The fragments of Garr are gone, and memories of him with them. In the end, I had to sacrifice a past I hoped to come to terms with one day for a better chance at a future. A little more mental stability means a little more time. Alasha’s research priority must be the Shadowfire now; my situation must wait, and my choice leaves me with a better chance of my still being … well, still being when the dust settles somewhat. And I cannot afford the distraction of random memories. Neither can my patients. Aurrin says that there is no Republic-side job I cannot quit if it is detrimental to my health. Alasha says that to lose the Flames is relatively simple - simply renounce the Marran and leave. But when I went to Ord Mantell … I did not lose the Flames. I suppose I had not renounced the Marran, for all my upset after … whatever happened with Book. And I will not. Zai said I would remember who I am, and who I ought to be. I am a sword and shield against the Shadow. I don’t really know why I was recommended to be here, but taking the Flames was my choice. I know what I am. I know who I am. I was, I am beginning to remember, a small child named Aefyet Sohl, who was brought to the Jedi Temple from … a planet with plains, and wild kath hounds. But who I am is Jallira Fyet Greystorm, Apothecary of the Marran. My duty. My honour. My choice. Some two hundred year old Sith researcher may obfuscate me, overrule me or alter me, but that won’t be me, if that happens. Zai, who survived the Oculus, believes in me. Aurrin, who survived so very much himself, believes in me. Mae, who knows what I go through, believes in me. Alti and Ahri, Sedryn, Rilus, Merari, Tlari, Alasha, Nyomi, Jai-din … all of them know I have issues, though granted not always to what extent … and they believe in me. A lot of people believe in me. It may not be healthy to hang on for them rather than for myself, but … at this point, I believe the phrase ‘whatever works’ is paramount. And I can repay the kindness Aurrin has shown by allowing me access to his ship if I need it by cooking. Which will benefit us both because if I do not have some sort of food-related creative outlet I will go comprehensively insane. It is not exactly intuitive to consider my own needs, but at this stage, anything that keeps me stable.        

Locked in her quarters at the end of another somewhat trying but at least marginally more productive day, Jallira ran her fingers along the dataspike Aurrin had given her, nervous and struggling more than a little. By rights he should have given this to Mae. Jallira was unsure that she could be trusted as the sole holder of this information, given the past couple of days. Logic ruled just about everything she did - at least all the difficult decisions. This one was one of the harder ones she'd ever had to make. Even asking Sedryn to end her life if this did not work had been easier; foster and squire had discussed it before, before Sedryn had even contemplated teaching her the Flames. And that was simple logic as far as she was concerned. The needs of the many outweighed the needs of the few ... or the one. She had sworn an oath to eliminate the dark wherever she found it. If it was within her - if it was her - and the Flames didn't finish the job ... well, either way, a single stroke with a vibroblade would be more merciful than death by Flames. It was a simple choice, as far as Jallira was concerned. She was not needed as badly as she used to be, and she would not become the person who had so upset Maelana and Sedryn. Death was preferable. Aurrin, however, would not accept that. Jallira hadn't expected him to like the idea, but she certainly hadn't expected him to stand against it so completely. The thought of warning Sedryn crossed her mind, and she wondered what her former foster's reaction would be to the fact that there was someone in her life she trusted well enough to tell them of that particular decision. She would have to warn him. Aurrin had plenty of means at his disposal to prevent the 'Mandalorian' from carrying out what would likely be her last request. If Sedryn wanted to honour it ... well. This was all contingency, however. What mattered was on this dataspike. It seemed a senseless thing, when it all came down to it - the risk it presented was not to be taken lightly. From what she knew of Revanites from Sedryn's own experiences, there was a chance that it would go entirely the wrong way. Jallira had resources she hadn't mentioned to Aurrin or Mae, though Sedryn would probably figure it out if he thought about it beyond his justifiable concern. Jallira had contact with one person who had actively renounced the Flames. If it could be done once, why not a second time? Letting go seemed the most logical option at that stage; minimal risk, fewer people potentially put in danger, less fuss. It was certainly better than contact with a member of an organisation that she knew full well the Archon would forbid. Sedryn might tentatively agree with it; Aurrin might consider it a reasonable option. The Archon, Alasha, Nyomi ... they would not. The fact that the apparent intention was to go behind their backs this way rather than be forbidden the attempt was troubling. Even if it went well, if it was ever found out ... someone would get brigged at least for this. A certain level of detachment was preferable anyway. New healers were coming in all the time; former Apothecaries were returning from nerf-knew-where to take up their old positions again. Jallira was no longer the only trained and promoted healer the Marran had, and she knew she had to let go of the concept that she ran the Marran medbay. She hadn't truly wanted it anyway; she had just been the only one available at a particular time, and that time was gone. Alasha could make the Aegis cores now. Jallira was not truly needed the way she used to be... Except by her family. Her friends. Rilus. The few, as opposed to the many who might be troubled if contact with a Revanite brought trouble to the Marran's doorstep, but ... they were an important few. Plus she could hardly trust her own judgement on the matter - given the influence that fragments of a very old Sith seemed to be having already, there was no way of telling anymore which arguments were Jallira's-of-now and which were from the person she might become if this all went wrong. She had to accept that people cared, had her best interests at heart, and put herself in their hands. A difficult prospect for one who had come so hard to the idea of trust and affection, but she had to try. The risks the others were taking were theirs to take. Letting go meant trusting them to walk their own paths, even if they insisted on dragging her down those paths with them. Jallira put the dataspike into her personal terminal, put on the headphones she'd received for her birthday, and listened.        

I understand that by this point, you may have received communication from Maelana. I hope it was over comms or she did not shake you too hard-- DELETE ALL With reference to whatever Maelana may have said to you ... what am I doing? Nerf's sake; 'with reference to'? This reads like a business lett-- DELETE ALL If Maelana happens to get in touch with you at any point, please understand that I'd had a bit of a stressful day and she may be overreacting just a b-- nerf, that doesn't work when Force-bonds are invol-- DELETE ALL Whatever Maelana says, I don't want you rushing into plans you discussed on my account, particularly not when so many of your duties involve gathering intelligence in our conflict with the Echelons. Particularly after you had a roof dropped on your he-- *sigh* Nerf it, that's just going to make things wor-- DELETE ALL Honestly, no one is being entirely straight with me about what I said to Mae and 'Kyram' yesterday, so if there's going to be that look I can nearly feel like very small horranths chewing on my head, I am hoping that someone was at least a little more detailed with you so you can tell me and I know what they're panicking ab-- ...No. DELETE ALL Apparently Mychae is not the only person who thinks that sabacc is only played in seedy Nar Shaddaa cantinas, so I cannot be blamed for thinking that-- No, I am not nerfing opening a holomail dialogue with obfuscation; that is nerfing ridic-- DELETE ALL Alright, anything I say is going to sound like extremes of obfuscation or attempts at same so I'm never going to send this but I am going to say it to make me feel better anyway. Sedryn is worried, and I don't think he liked the fact that I asked him to be the one to end it for me if things go badly and the Flames don't do it. Mae was not there when I asked that because I am not a nerfing idiot, but she is doing that angry worried pressure-cooker-with-feet thing right now. I'm not even entirely sure of the specifics because people are either trying to protect me or they can't stomach relating details. Either way it's frustrating. It's not possession. It's not even really dissociation, as far as I can tell. It's just ... behavioural shifts, I suppose. There's a lot of 'who I could have been if' in my life these days. And today ... I just had a bad day, is all. I just don't want anyone to trouble themselves. Possibly because despite what I said before, I am a nerfing idiot who takes too long to learn. ...I really do hope she didn't shake you too hard, if she found you in person... DELETE ALL

OUTPOST MORNE, TARIS NEARLY 1 YEAR AGO The Jedi - for he was still technically a Jedi, then, and a Master at that - and his padawan set out just after dawn. They made an odd pairing, one for people to take note of. The master was tall, well over six feet, and walked like a warrior, all confidence and optimal balance, shoulders back, chest out, back straight. The padawan, meanwhile, was barely five foot tall and seemed shorter because of her slightly huddled posture - she seemed to be trying to take up as little space as possible. The fact that she was a 'she' at all was hard to discern; unlike the Master, she kept her hood up and her head down, obscuring her features almost entirely. She didn't need to have her eyes on her surroundings. She didn't have eyes at all. Neither of them did, by virtue of species. They did not speak out loud, the Master and his padawan, but that was not to say they did not communicate. To a sensitive, the air between the two miraluka was filled with a sense of 'stern' and 'terse' and 'commanding', with an underlying note of resigned, overstressed misery threading through it. Taris was horrible. Taris was full of mindless, ravening hunger and three hundred year old death and the worry of scores of settlers and military. The padawan staggered under the emotional weight a time or two, brought up short by a sharp non-verbal prod from the Master. There is no emotion. There is only the Force. You will endure. ...yes, master... It was difficult to focus through the sensations she didn't know how to block, but that answer came by long and painfully developed instinct. It gained as much approval, that thoughtless, selfless answer, as anything ever got from her master. Approval gained her some marginal measure of peace from the incessant battering her psyche took from the training she required, so the price - what little remained of her sense of self - was gladly paid. In any case, this was her role; don't think, don't feel, just be - be there when needed, and when not ... be invisible. There was only the Force, and she was only its vessel; a weapon to be stored when not needed. Anything that went beyond that within her was a distraction that needed to be purged, nothing more. Some ways from the outpost, they reached a downgrade. Below them lay a smallish patch of land, inhabited largely by the ferrazid hounds that had come out of the swamp to the right. The Master turned to his padawan and nodded once to the girl at his side, who stepped two paces down the downgrade, raised a hand, had a split-second to register how peaceful it was when the entire galaxy was nothing more than 'target - response' and... APOTHECARY JALLIRA'S QUARTERS NOW Jallira sat up in bed with a start, her breathing quick and shallow. This was a bad physical sign and she knew it, so she forced herself to calm down with deep, cleansing breaths before she hyperventilated. Some elements of the nightmare still clung to her, however, even as she tried to meditate them away. The sensation of Taris. The fear and misery and the bizarre species of shame all but woven into every thought, the sensation of dying hound and... He took me there once, didn't he. Sedryn had tried to dodge the question-that-wasn't. I'm sure he took you lots of places, he'd said; it hadn't taken Sedryn long at all to forget what an empath was capable of, how a word could contain a huge tapestry of detail and meaning for someone with the lack of eyes to see it. He'd walked her dreams, and that coloured a small but not insignificant part of his mental picture of Taris with a jumble of emotions that involved her. Now he was the one who was 'thinking too loud', and Jallira was now in the habit of letting her guard down around him. So now, again through well-meaning and unknowing commentary, Jallira knew something else about the memories that had been locked away with construct fragments for her own sanity - Ylsavis Garr, apparently her former master, had indeed taken her to Taris. The question she had to ask was 'why?'. Given the mission wherein they'd captured Garr and taken custody of the datacrons that had caused Jallira's current miserable situation, she was afraid to ask. She was fairly sure no one would let her escape justice if she'd had anything to do with the new variant rakghoul plague, even in its initial stages, but there was no way to be sure as things stood. Jallira didn't want to change where things stood, except perhaps to take them back to where they stood before Book made her mind-to-mind mistake; she remembered how she was before, and if that nightmare was as much a memory as she feared, she'd been worse yet before she joined the Marran. She didn't want to go back there. She was just very sorely afraid that there wouldn't be a lot of choice before too long. At least Aurrin's idea had received approval - however dubious and hesitant - from Sedryn, whose opinion Jallira still valued above almost anyone else's. Of course, it also helped that Sedryn was still incognito amongst the Marran as Kyram the Mandalorian; he had limited options of who to alert to Jallira's intentions without revealing his true identity to the entire Marran. Not everyone would keep his secret, after all... She didn't like that train of thought either; it was more than a little too manipulative and sly to be hers. The fragments of Moyval Gesh didn't make their presence felt as overtly as the ones of Garr seemed to have, but when they did, the effect was more worrisome. Subtle and insidious tended to be a little more frightening than overt and loud; direct attacks were easiest to defend against, since you could see them coming ... so to speak. She just had to hold on. As she'd said in an earlier journal entry - her first, as far as she knew - she just had to be herself, as hard and as diligently as she could, until this proposed meeting with the Revanite. If that didn't work out ... well, she would cross that bridge when she came to it. So she got up and made pancakes and sausage in the bistro for the early-morning patrollers of the Third, trying not to let it get to her. It didn't entirely work, but was better than brooding over it, at least.