#joyfuldeepend

The last year+ has been devastating, victorious, emotionally excruciating, good, full of growth and not wasted. Creeping up on 40 and a year with a ton of time for reflection and getting to choose how I would respond to adversity has taught me quite a bit. I am celebrating a few things as I mark another turn around the sun.

Victory in my health. Sometimes a Facebook post really can change your life (THANK YOU Bailey King). I’ve worked to let go of over 90 lbs. and a ton of emotional chains with them! I’m learning how to love and interact with a whole new me on many levels (lots more to come on that).

Learning to trust myself and be ok when others disagree. Which as an enneagram 2w3 is a major feat in my mind!

This year I made some literal and emotional moves to be able to launch into a new chapter of my life (more to come on that soon).

In my health journey, our leader encouraged us to set non food rewards for achieving goals along the way. I knew pretty quickly what I wanted my reward to be however I was scared. I have not yet had a “life event” that has felt like it warranted a photo shoot. So when I hit my first major milestone I started working to fulfill that reward. I reached out to multiple photographers without response and almost gave up...but I realized I was giving up on prioritizing celebrating myself (which I’m terribly good at). So grateful for Bekah @ rebekahjoyphotography.com who said yes and literally brought something I could barely see to reality plus some. She walked through my tears, vulnerability and with the help of a 2000s play list brought this to life!

This is me at 38 (and a little bit)…

I started introducing her a few years ago and this year it feels like she (meaning ME lol) is ready to be fully known. This year is Joy…my name that had always been mine and yet I haven’t known how to fully embrace her. 

Deborah “the warrior” has always seemed more enticing (literally tattooed on my wrist) 

and yet when I think about my legacy and what I want others to experience with me…it’s Joy. 

My strength has carried me far and I’m sooo grateful for her and now she is joined by Joy (my middle name). This is me…this is Deborah Joy or Joy for short.

So grateful for another year of life and much more goodness ahead as I continue in the joyfuldeepend. Keep leaning in friends and celebrating all those events because you are the life event.

Special thanks to the Jones family for being so hospitable and letting us use their farmhouse for this photo shoot.

I alluded to this in my previous post (check it out if you didn’t read it )...and my doctor #NotPregnant post :-)

I don’t talk about this part of my life often...I don’t like to dwell on what isn’t...yet I often have grieved being single and not being the mom I expected to get to be (#notpregnant). There haven’t been any of the soccer games, half time game snack responsibilities, kissing booboos or kids who call me Mom and can only be consoled by my presence. (Insert all the things I’m supposed to say and you need to hear about trusting Gods timing, me being an amazing aunt and “like a mom” to many kids and blah blah blah...agreed and I know...and yet...). Most days I’m really grateful for where I am and ALL the sleep and bandwidth that comes with being childless and yet there’s more. This year I decided to pursue something I’ve been dreaming about since I was young…getting to say yes to a child. This year I decided I would stop dreaming and talking about things but start being about those things….I’m finally done waiting for things to happen to me. I still believe in the dream…I also believe in not wasting what is right in front of me. So this year I moved into the city (West Baltimore) I wanted to be a part of, found a bigger place (that I LOVE), got a promotion of sorts at work and began the foster care certification process. I have completed the training and just had my last inspection/review and completed all the paperwork and medical pre-reqs (hence the doctor’s visits excitement) towards getting my place certified. Now just waiting on paperwork approval and last minute information requests.

Tears come easily as I think of having a kid(s) in my home to care for…both out of sheer gratitude of the opportunity and terror of being responsible to help a young human. I wish I knew why God called me to this before I knew really what it meant. There have been many people who have not understood it and men that had cruel things to say about my desire to foster/ adopt over biological kids (yay dating adventures)…Yet here we are and I’m so intensely excited I can’t hardly stand it. When I got the call about starting training the day after I applied, even though I was told it would be weeks/months, I burst into tears. This is what a dream coming true feels like…and I didn’t quite know how to embrace it. Yet here we are one step after the other…embracing it. Preparing my heart, mind and home for the children my heart has been longing to care for over the last few decades. This journey is expected to be difficult and full of ups and downs and heart break…and yet somehow I think that is exactly what the last few years have been preparing me for. Here I am at the edge of something huge and fully trying not to drown in this joyful deepend. I am so grateful for the friends who have walked this journey with me, cheered me on all along the way and poured into the journey tangible and those who are literally walking through it with me...more to come on that (there are only so many tears for one day). Because of them and the path before me I can stand in this room and say....this will be my kid’s room...The many kids I will get to care for, cry with, be frustrated at and create a safe space while working to reunification with their parents.

Ok now I’m in straight tears. And for those of you who want to know... yes I am open to receiving all the things to make my home ready for kids (ages 7+...hygiene items, toiletries, hair stuff, books, clothes, games, luggage, GC and etc.). 

My name is Joy, at least that is the name that aligns with the season that I am in. This season is full of awakening Joy as I walk the path of understanding and bringing things that were dying back to life again. My full name is Deborah Joy and I am a lover of all things deep. A few things you should know about me, in absolutely no particular order of importance.

I am a deep feeler

I abhor small talk (I feel so awkward engaging in it)

I do not prefer grammar police (blame it on my harmony)

I love understanding the why behind behavior and process

I studied both business and psychology

I long to be known and to know others

I am a follower of Jesus

I love lists (as shown here :-)

I consider deep things, items/topics that go beyond the surface of the weather or what your job title is. Deep things like: passion, purpose, hope, wiring, behavior, characteristics, why we do what we do and the list goes on and on. Conversations and topics around deep things, feels like work of intentionality and if there is something I love a lot it is INTENTIONALITY. I’m pretty sure it’s the sixth love language and my NUMBER ONE!

In many conversations over the last few years, people have spoken to wanting to understand things or concepts that have been communicated. This is me working to articulate those concepts in the Joyful Deep End. I hope that you’ll engage with me along the way. Thanks for reading and diving in with me.  

By nature I am someone who needs to finish what she starts. I don’t like unfinished projects, conversations or relationships. Unfinished things are what keep me up at night and have me lying awake wondering what I need to do to “fix” or finish it.

In this season of life God has me leaving things as they are in some areas. Practicing trusting God with the outcome, the lesson being taught and the possibility that finishing something isn’t always the goal. It’s often frustrating and I wonder what I could have done, “should” have said or if there was a lack of effort on my part.

I have attempted a 3000 piece Hogwarts puzzle three times over the last 4 years. Each time I get about 60/70% finished and get stuck. I’ve tried every jigsaw puzzle trick in my tool box and still the finished product alludes me. If you know me, you know I love jigsaw puzzles and I’m entirely too competitive with games. This is an unusual conundrum for me.

This week I realized that I thought the goal of this puzzle was to finish it. However, I realized the thing that previously was bringing me joy, now was only bringing me frustration and contempt. I was finished with the puzzle, but the puzzle wasn’t complete. I went back and forth for a couple days examining my motives, my priorities and my peace and the knowledge that I can make a decision in whichever way I wanted.

I took a picture of the state where I was finished and returned the puzzle back to the box. It’s now in my donate pile, because just because I’m finished with it doesn’t mean its use is done. I’m sure there is some fun or even a lesson still in that puzzle for someone else.

2024…and with that changes coming. Excited, terrified and anxious…but mostly with my feet in motion for the new. Doing the thing I’ve been wanting to do since my teens and move out of state. Now is the time and I’m so ready. I’m going to miss the hell out of my friends and being close to kiddoes I adore, however I’m more than confident that this is the step for me.

With that, at the end of April 2024 I will be moving to the Atlanta, Georgia area (most likely northeast of ATL). There are many little things that have led to this change and many ones I’ll never fully know until eternity. What I do know is that this is the right next step for me and for what God has for me. I have never lived outside of Maryland, for more than a month at a time, and so it is time.

I’m grateful for this season of “come away with the me” that God is calling me into. Also very grateful that the Alpharetta/Atlanta area houses one of my main office hubs, so I’ll just be transferring locations and not have to add job search to one of the changes. My region will find out this week now that I can focus on it after my Boston trip.

For those who’ve followed my foster care journey and know that while the girls are not in my home and yet have still been a part of my life, this has been a challenge to navigate through. We’ve had the better part of four months to process and talk through it. I know it will be hard and yet think we all need it in some way. I’ve begun practicing more distanced support and boundaries, even when I want to rescue and hold on to them when things are hard. I don’t know our future, I do know that they’ll always be a part of my heart and life in some manner.

I’ve begun selling, donating and purging in preparation for the move. Praying for the right landing place, church and community to be embraced by. Grieving slowly as I withdraw from things, take down pictures and create the space needed for the next. I’ve never done this before and yet I know I’m fully held and led in this new chapter.

I took a vacation after my last work trip and stayed in the Alpharetta, Georgia area with a friend. I knew I needed some time and if I stayed home I would have done productivity for vacation. It was so refreshing and relaxing and my dear friend kindly hosted me!

Things were so clear and peaceful that week. What wasn’t peaceful was what I felt God spoke clearly to me. This season of allowing there to be unfilled space is difficult and yet doesn’t hold the candle to what he put on my heart. I know it was him because of my internal response. I said a resigned ok and didn’t immediately crumble. Maybe it’s because my heart has been slowly crumbling over the years (in this area) or maybe because I trust Him more than I have before. I finally think it’s possible that He might not have scraps for me.

God said “I need you to give up your desire to have children who will call you Mom”. Now as I type this tears stream down my face. It’s not that it doesn’t hurt, it’s that it feels like it’s over. I don’t remember a time in my life when I haven’t longed to be a mom. I always knew my mom journey would be different and expected to be a step mom or adoptive mom. I don’t know how, I’ve just always known. It’s why movies about blended family and ones like Stepmom with Julia Robert’s always felt like something I could identify with, but movies about pregnancy felt foreign.

In spite of that I still wanted to do the team mom thing, late night sick and sleep routines, snacks for half time for soccer practice and dirty cleats clutter the car. To be the person a child turns to first in their time of need. To be the one frantically searched for in a crowd so they know it’s all going to be alright or even just the supportive stepmom. I haven’t figured out what to do with that part of my hope yet. I’m so grateful for the dope moms out there and the baby showers that display dreams fulfilled. My heart is sad, reality of my age clear and also curious of how God will fill that part of my dreams in a way I couldn’t know to dream for! I only know the chapter I am on and not what will come and God knows that way is much better for me (even though I hate it). Here’s to an I know future, I filled spaces and dreams yet to be known. Thanks for diving deep in the joyful deepens friends!!

R and I were out to dinner last week. She had never had Red Lobster and somehow convinced me to take her (doesn’t take much bc she’s usually pretty sweet when it’s just the two of us). Red lobster in general isn’t much to write home about and typically when you go there you know that. Well R had never been to Red lobster and saw something on tik tok so there we were.

The dining experience left a lot to be desired but you don’t go to a chain like that (or shouldn’t) expecting to be blown away. So that was a learning experience for R who loves hibachi buffet and seafood boils. So we worked through expectations and comparing what we want versus what we get.

There was what appeared to be a double date happening one row over (2 Caucasian teenage couples, assuming seniors). Normally I am aware of those around but not typically dialed into the situation. The boys in the situation were determined to ensure everyone knew theirs. They made loud comments about how they should have gone to outback or Texas Roadhouse. The were verbally frustrated at the service and the way their food came after grilling the server about the menu and how the things were made or tasted.

When their food came they made the server stand there while they both saw if their steak was medium. Then continued the grumbling and disgust while the girls giggled. It was annoying and close to closing time so not many ppl to drown out their outbursts. R & I continued our eating and convos despite their interruptions. At one point I made R laugh and she started choking and laughing…and if you’ve met R she’s either quiet and moody or loud and silly. This was a loud and silly night. As a general rule I try not to censor her if it’s not inappropriate behavior. Side note: she has adhd and has a ton of intrusive thoughts and doesn’t get to verbalize a ton. When she’s with me not a lot embarrasses me so I let her get it all out so she does her “good behavior” aka be quiet and not seen stuff when with others. Well she was laughing loud (as many do) and then making choking sounds (don’t worry she was ok) and one of the boys started mocking her. Just as I was starting to speak up, R stopped laughing and told them to basically shut up or she’d beat them up 😂😂 I squashed that quickly and R and I talked about how it wasn’t worth it and how they had to live the consequences of their poor behavior. She thought for a moment and said “you’re right Joy…see that’s why I don’t like white people (not you Joy) but people like that.”…. It was tough not to agree with that sentiment as I watched those teenagers be entitled, rude and have zero consideration for the servers, the fellow diners or even how they were acting. I ended up saying something to my server and ensuring that table’s servers tip was covered.

While I’ve always known that I like when things are in harmony and people get along, what I can’t get behind is not saying something bc it makes things uncomfortable. I learned lately that when myself or others are not considered it makes my blood boil. Doesn’t matter the why, it matters the intent. Just bc someone is having a bad day doesn’t mean they get to take it out on someone. If someone can’t afford something, being mean to people to give a reason for why their bill should be comped isn’t right (in my opinion). I remember some years ago a friend at the time told me that hurt ppl hurt ppl as an explanation for their behavior towards me. I countered that that phrase is an explanation for those who’ve been hurt by that not an excuse to act in poor behavior due to hurt.

I was reminded recently why God doesn’t give me more than a step at a time notice. The moment he does I have zero patience and want to take the step even if it’s months away. I always think I’m going to do better and it will help me prepare. Guess who’s wrong lol!

After another set of 3 months of foster teen support ending in more destruction, spending the morning of my birthday navigating a fight, the police and an arrest (not mine)…I knew it was time to take a beat and evaluate my status. I took the month of August to pray and check in with God, my passion and my path.

During that time of introspection and prayer some potential opportunities came to light. Despite the life altering things they would bring, I felt excitement and peace around the change. It confirmed what I had been leaning towards and I made the decision to not renew my foster care certification. There were a lot of tears, fears and why God within that time, yet I can’t deny doing what I know is right…although my heart has not found it easy. I don’t know what the future holds for me in foster care, as God and I wrestle with my desire and His will and protection.

While the next move is not set in stone (though what is 🤪), I know it will happen when my lease is up in April 2024. As I count down to the time the Lord has been really clear about me creating space and not filling it with new things or productivity. I’m a doer and a fixer and so I’m both anxious about the in between time and resolute in my response. I’ve been doing a lot of coloring, crying, listening to podcasts, purging and letting go of what I thought I knew over the last couple months.

I was encouraged, by some very wise women, when I turned 40 to fight like hell for the person you are! I continue to battle feelings of selfishness and guilt as I think of what I feel I have left undone. I told the teens who have filled a large part of my heart for the last two years. I knew it was necessary to give them time to come to grips with it and shift into what will be our new style of relationship. I thought fight like hell would look a little different but here we are learning that it can all feel like hell and it can all be worth it too!