The Joyful Deep End

By nature I am someone who needs to finish what she starts. I don’t like unfinished projects, conversations or relationships. Unfinished things are what keep me up at night and have me lying awake wondering what I need to do to “fix” or finish it.

In this season of life God has me leaving things as they are in some areas. Practicing trusting God with the outcome, the lesson being taught and the possibility that finishing something isn’t always the goal. It’s often frustrating and I wonder what I could have done, “should” have said or if there was a lack of effort on my part.

I have attempted a 3000 piece Hogwarts puzzle three times over the last 4 years. Each time I get about 60/70% finished and get stuck. I’ve tried every jigsaw puzzle trick in my tool box and still the finished product alludes me. If you know me, you know I love jigsaw puzzles and I’m entirely too competitive with games. This is an unusual conundrum for me.

This week I realized that I thought the goal of this puzzle was to finish it. However, I realized the thing that previously was bringing me joy, now was only bringing me frustration and contempt. I was finished with the puzzle, but the puzzle wasn’t complete. I went back and forth for a couple days examining my motives, my priorities and my peace and the knowledge that I can make a decision in whichever way I wanted.

I took a picture of the state where I was finished and returned the puzzle back to the box. It’s now in my donate pile, because just because I’m finished with it doesn’t mean its use is done. I’m sure there is some fun or even a lesson still in that puzzle for someone else.

2024…and with that changes coming. Excited, terrified and anxious…but mostly with my feet in motion for the new. Doing the thing I’ve been wanting to do since my teens and move out of state. Now is the time and I’m so ready. I’m going to miss the hell out of my friends and being close to kiddoes I adore, however I’m more than confident that this is the step for me.

With that, at the end of April 2024 I will be moving to the Atlanta, Georgia area (most likely northeast of ATL). There are many little things that have led to this change and many ones I’ll never fully know until eternity. What I do know is that this is the right next step for me and for what God has for me. I have never lived outside of Maryland, for more than a month at a time, and so it is time.

I’m grateful for this season of “come away with the me” that God is calling me into. Also very grateful that the Alpharetta/Atlanta area houses one of my main office hubs, so I’ll just be transferring locations and not have to add job search to one of the changes. My region will find out this week now that I can focus on it after my Boston trip.

For those who’ve followed my foster care journey and know that while the girls are not in my home and yet have still been a part of my life, this has been a challenge to navigate through. We’ve had the better part of four months to process and talk through it. I know it will be hard and yet think we all need it in some way. I’ve begun practicing more distanced support and boundaries, even when I want to rescue and hold on to them when things are hard. I don’t know our future, I do know that they’ll always be a part of my heart and life in some manner.

I’ve begun selling, donating and purging in preparation for the move. Praying for the right landing place, church and community to be embraced by. Grieving slowly as I withdraw from things, take down pictures and create the space needed for the next. I’ve never done this before and yet I know I’m fully held and led in this new chapter.

I took a vacation after my last work trip and stayed in the Alpharetta, Georgia area with a friend. I knew I needed some time and if I stayed home I would have done productivity for vacation. It was so refreshing and relaxing and my dear friend kindly hosted me!

Things were so clear and peaceful that week. What wasn’t peaceful was what I felt God spoke clearly to me. This season of allowing there to be unfilled space is difficult and yet doesn’t hold the candle to what he put on my heart. I know it was him because of my internal response. I said a resigned ok and didn’t immediately crumble. Maybe it’s because my heart has been slowly crumbling over the years (in this area) or maybe because I trust Him more than I have before. I finally think it’s possible that He might not have scraps for me.

God said “I need you to give up your desire to have children who will call you Mom”. Now as I type this tears stream down my face. It’s not that it doesn’t hurt, it’s that it feels like it’s over. I don’t remember a time in my life when I haven’t longed to be a mom. I always knew my mom journey would be different and expected to be a step mom or adoptive mom. I don’t know how, I’ve just always known. It’s why movies about blended family and ones like Stepmom with Julia Robert’s always felt like something I could identify with, but movies about pregnancy felt foreign.

In spite of that I still wanted to do the team mom thing, late night sick and sleep routines, snacks for half time for soccer practice and dirty cleats clutter the car. To be the person a child turns to first in their time of need. To be the one frantically searched for in a crowd so they know it’s all going to be alright or even just the supportive stepmom. I haven’t figured out what to do with that part of my hope yet. I’m so grateful for the dope moms out there and the baby showers that display dreams fulfilled. My heart is sad, reality of my age clear and also curious of how God will fill that part of my dreams in a way I couldn’t know to dream for! I only know the chapter I am on and not what will come and God knows that way is much better for me (even though I hate it). Here’s to an I know future, I filled spaces and dreams yet to be known. Thanks for diving deep in the joyful deepens friends!!

R and I were out to dinner last week. She had never had Red Lobster and somehow convinced me to take her (doesn’t take much bc she’s usually pretty sweet when it’s just the two of us). Red lobster in general isn’t much to write home about and typically when you go there you know that. Well R had never been to Red lobster and saw something on tik tok so there we were.

The dining experience left a lot to be desired but you don’t go to a chain like that (or shouldn’t) expecting to be blown away. So that was a learning experience for R who loves hibachi buffet and seafood boils. So we worked through expectations and comparing what we want versus what we get.

There was what appeared to be a double date happening one row over (2 Caucasian teenage couples, assuming seniors). Normally I am aware of those around but not typically dialed into the situation. The boys in the situation were determined to ensure everyone knew theirs. They made loud comments about how they should have gone to outback or Texas Roadhouse. The were verbally frustrated at the service and the way their food came after grilling the server about the menu and how the things were made or tasted.

When their food came they made the server stand there while they both saw if their steak was medium. Then continued the grumbling and disgust while the girls giggled. It was annoying and close to closing time so not many ppl to drown out their outbursts. R & I continued our eating and convos despite their interruptions. At one point I made R laugh and she started choking and laughing…and if you’ve met R she’s either quiet and moody or loud and silly. This was a loud and silly night. As a general rule I try not to censor her if it’s not inappropriate behavior. Side note: she has adhd and has a ton of intrusive thoughts and doesn’t get to verbalize a ton. When she’s with me not a lot embarrasses me so I let her get it all out so she does her “good behavior” aka be quiet and not seen stuff when with others. Well she was laughing loud (as many do) and then making choking sounds (don’t worry she was ok) and one of the boys started mocking her. Just as I was starting to speak up, R stopped laughing and told them to basically shut up or she’d beat them up 😂😂 I squashed that quickly and R and I talked about how it wasn’t worth it and how they had to live the consequences of their poor behavior. She thought for a moment and said “you’re right Joy…see that’s why I don’t like white people (not you Joy) but people like that.”…. It was tough not to agree with that sentiment as I watched those teenagers be entitled, rude and have zero consideration for the servers, the fellow diners or even how they were acting. I ended up saying something to my server and ensuring that table’s servers tip was covered.

While I’ve always known that I like when things are in harmony and people get along, what I can’t get behind is not saying something bc it makes things uncomfortable. I learned lately that when myself or others are not considered it makes my blood boil. Doesn’t matter the why, it matters the intent. Just bc someone is having a bad day doesn’t mean they get to take it out on someone. If someone can’t afford something, being mean to people to give a reason for why their bill should be comped isn’t right (in my opinion). I remember some years ago a friend at the time told me that hurt ppl hurt ppl as an explanation for their behavior towards me. I countered that that phrase is an explanation for those who’ve been hurt by that not an excuse to act in poor behavior due to hurt.

I was reminded recently why God doesn’t give me more than a step at a time notice. The moment he does I have zero patience and want to take the step even if it’s months away. I always think I’m going to do better and it will help me prepare. Guess who’s wrong lol!

After another set of 3 months of foster teen support ending in more destruction, spending the morning of my birthday navigating a fight, the police and an arrest (not mine)…I knew it was time to take a beat and evaluate my status. I took the month of August to pray and check in with God, my passion and my path.

During that time of introspection and prayer some potential opportunities came to light. Despite the life altering things they would bring, I felt excitement and peace around the change. It confirmed what I had been leaning towards and I made the decision to not renew my foster care certification. There were a lot of tears, fears and why God within that time, yet I can’t deny doing what I know is right…although my heart has not found it easy. I don’t know what the future holds for me in foster care, as God and I wrestle with my desire and His will and protection.

While the next move is not set in stone (though what is 🤪), I know it will happen when my lease is up in April 2024. As I count down to the time the Lord has been really clear about me creating space and not filling it with new things or productivity. I’m a doer and a fixer and so I’m both anxious about the in between time and resolute in my response. I’ve been doing a lot of coloring, crying, listening to podcasts, purging and letting go of what I thought I knew over the last couple months.

I was encouraged, by some very wise women, when I turned 40 to fight like hell for the person you are! I continue to battle feelings of selfishness and guilt as I think of what I feel I have left undone. I told the teens who have filled a large part of my heart for the last two years. I knew it was necessary to give them time to come to grips with it and shift into what will be our new style of relationship. I thought fight like hell would look a little different but here we are learning that it can all feel like hell and it can all be worth it too!

Recently I had a friend spend some extended time with me and the girls I support. It was a big deal to me. We have a few people who choose to engage or spend time with us. Also I am protective of who they experience. Honestly I never know what I’m going to get each day and while it’s my normal now, I perceive that could be a lot for those not in it regularly. When I recount things that happen sometimes I get unsolicited advice on how people would handle their behavior if it was them. Often people get a little terrified for me and other people are scared for me, which makes sense if it’s not the norm for them.

One thing that I’ve made a personal commitment about, is not to apologize for them. They’re working their stuff out and sometimes I’m confident when we’re in public people might think they have “special needs” or are shocked or think they should be more docile. That being said, choosing to be a safe place for them, for me, means in all settings. That doesn’t mean accepting all behaviors, however it does mean that every situation and behavior doesn’t get addressed right away. If that was the case I’d live in just corrective mode…and that’s not helpful for any one, especially me. There have been many times in stores that one or both are giving into their intrusive thoughts and I pick which battle I will fight based on factors impacted at the moment.

The girls have been in survival mode and lived with conditional love, undependable adults, manipulative families, toxic parenting and the list goes on. It takes awhile to work through those things to get back to zero and start there.

My goal is to get them to be able to graduate high school and hold down a job. Along the way if they learn some character and consideration of others that’s my bonus points. It has taken me a year…A YEAR to get R to be respectful to me (70% of the time), minimal lying, not flipping me off constantly, saying thank you, consider others (well at least me for now), want to spend time with me and say I love you and not be manipulative. She texted me recently and asked if I’d go with her to the doctors to get a shot bc she’s scared. This is HUGE!! Her caseworker said she was proud of her and saw her maturity this week, I could have cried right there. Besides me no one, that I know of, has told her that in years.

K has started recovering from her spirals in less than 2 hours versus the days to week it would take before. She calls me mid spiral and freaking and let’s me deescalate, she wouldn’t do that 3 months ago. I’m praising God for that movement. (UPDATE: things went downhill after I wrote this. After two weeks of up and down she was removed from my home after another police encounter and physical damage occurrence. It was a rough choice, however I’m confident the best one give the circumstances).

I recognize, just like with any kids, people see the current phase, and I…I see the journey and the growth. When interacting with the girls it could be chaotic and they could also be sweet, considerate and naive/youthful. They will always want to listen to music, eat junk food and watch movies and take long drives. As much as it “costs” I still remember that I prayed for this and I’m grateful for the ways people engage or find ways to support me/us as their boundaries allow. So grateful for all of those ways and the continual prayers as I know I do not journey alone, even when it feels like it!!

Some days I find it so interesting just how close my feelings as a teenager are applicable to the teenager in my home. It makes me wonder if it is a universal experience or just God knowing what he’s doing in who He placed with me.

The signs my teen is going through something are her room is a disaster area and she avoids me. She gets moodier and moodier the more distance, emotional or otherwise, there is between us. I’ve spent my life with the desire to be pursued, they say the thing you desired as a kid is the thing you look for or do as an adult. I’ve said to friends and to my kids, it’s a blessing and a curse that I don’t give up and will pursue even when you push me away. So you’re welcome and I’m sorry.

When behavior and disobedience pushes me away from my teen…it’s time to lean in and push through. One Saturday night she didn’t come home without permission. That Sunday she missed curfew and showed up minutes before midnight. She didn’t go to school on Monday, despite being up and able bodied to go. I came home about 8:30pm that day and she was asleep, so I did the annoying parent thing and woke her up. Pressed about why she didn’t honor her commitments. She did all the teen things that made me want to walk out. But Jesus gave me to her. So I invaded her space, got close and hugged her and said nothing.

It didn’t take more than a minute till she started crying and self loathing. I just listened, affirmed her feelings and then gave her the facts. The facts about being a teenager and how it’s the worst. That fact that I don’t need anything from her, so I’m the easiest person to let down rather than her friends/sister. The fact that her disobedience doesn’t disappoint me for me, rather for what I know it does to her mind/emotions. The fact that everyone needs help. The facts that she can have a future and hope. The fact that she can’t get rid of me easily, even when I think maybe I’m not the best support for her and should throw in the towel. The fact that her room gets messy when she’s depressed, just like mine is currently. 🤦🏻‍♀️😊

I don’t know if I’m doing the parental thing right. If I’m being too much of a “white” parent vs a “black” parent, as they call it. I often wonder if it’s just manipulation or if I know what I’m doing, however she ended up cleaning her room and talking to me…for now that’s enough for me. For now I will continue to push against what feels comfortable. To hug her when she’s prickly. To buy her Chipotle when she has bad grades. To not withhold good things or limit things to positive behavior and things that make my life easier.

I don’t talk super often about my dating life in general, not because it doesn’t exist or doesn’t have its highs and lows. Mostly because it often feels like it’s mostly lows & annoying and not so many “highs.”

These days I often think my weighted blanket is the closest thing to being consistently held I’ll ever achieve. Truthfully sometimes I get annoyed that God made me a physical touch person without a way to have that met regularly. 😂

I feel deeply, no surprise to anyone who knows me. I’m not a basket case or unstable…I think 🤔😂 The more inner work I’ve done the less I can put up with things long term. I can pretend for a couple months, at max, then I face the music that the person doesn’t bring value to my world. They’re valuable, cause they’re human, just not to my world.

Someone recently challenged me that I didn’t know how to be a woman in a relationship. That took a while in a therapy session to process. 🙄🤦🏻‍♀️😂 I recognized what was behind the statement, after I got passed the feminist knee jerk response. They were, in part, right. It’s hard to be something when there isn’t space for that. I have an unbelievable ability to attract men/women that come in “hot” burn out quick, ghost me, have no time, emotionally immature/unavailable, are like talking to a wall & the list goes on. I’m famous for giving ppl multiple chances since “they’re not terrible” & then they’re surprised when I don’t respond after they’ve ghosted me multiple times or stood me up & left me hanging many times. It took therapy to affirm my asks are not too much or unrealistic. I heard once that women treat you the way they want to be treated at first and then mirror the way they’re treated as time goes on. I don’t know if it’s scientifically proven, yet it tracks.

Real talk being single is mostly the better end of the options. As the consummate single friend & aunt I see & hear it all. The hard part is…the hope. The moment where your heart peeks out to see if it’s safe & hope of pursuit begins to blossom. You start to let them in, you show vulnerability to encourage it in return. Then like the 80s hair style the tease of something fades as quickly as it rose. Just like that, for the same stupid reasons the air gets sucked out of your lungs & your heart & hope deflates…to nothing. You scream, cry, resist the urge to break things & run away…again you were fooled…again you believed…again you hoped & again you were wrong. The worst ground hog day remake that hallmark wouldn’t buy into. I wish I could refuse to hope or keep trying…but apparently God didn’t give me the quitting gene 🤦🏻‍♀️

I wrote this recently right after being, for lack of a better term, rejected by someone who means a lot to me. Thanks for engaging in the rawness, I don’t feel like this every day however when I do it’s intense and my little heart feels sad. These days I’m learning to actually let myself feel sad and try not to avoid it. For now my weighted blanket will keep the depression at bay & fool me into feeling held as I try to drift to sleep at night. While I haven’t found the illusive person who may or may not exist outside of me, I am still very much finding the person within me! Every day I get closer to understanding who she is & what this world gets to experience bc of her existence.

It’s always a learning experience with supporting teenagers that don’t have proper emotional regulation or haven’t had a dependable support system before. Recently we had a weekend of things feeling explosive and then just boiling below the surface. We ended the weekend with a physical fight (me breaking it up), lots of yelling, tears, shaking with uncontrollable anger and me having to call on others to determine next steps and considering a psych consult. These kinds of experiences used to happen periodically, lately they are occurring with more regularity and I’m having to navigate how to best support them, do accountability and not overly focus on the challenges.

After things settle down with the teen, i take a minute to fall apart. Usually it involves me sobbing, praying, driving, eating or journaling. When the last one occurred I reached out to a few different friends to help process and not feel alone. No one was available and so I went for a walk in the rain by the harbor, sobbed and prayed aka pleaded with God to help me and give me wisdom. The Lord let me cry and listened, not that I give him much choice, and once I settled down a bit he asked me a question… “why do you pursue your work, your employees and your relationships more than you pursue me?” I may have had some choice words to say…that’s how God and I do (straight no chaser and honest). He is right, I don’t. He wasn’t the first person I wanted to go to for help, I wanted a human in front of me to tell me what to do and that it would be ok. I wanted someone to hold me and tell me it wasn’t my fault and I didn’t F it up. I wanted to hear someone affirm me. I didn’t think or want the one who created both of us and knows us better than we know ourselves to speak or intervene. More than that, I didn’t really think to ask (that’s a bigger topic lol). It was fitting bc we’d been talking about prayer at church lately and how it changes you. Mostly it’s about the change in our perspective and posture in the midst of a situation that may not change. Hence peace that is difficult to comprehend in the midst of the “storms”.

Once Jesus and I got it sorted out, I headed back to my car. At that moment a good friend called me. They also have teens and I asked for some advice. It was such an encouraging conversation and a good reminder to me…God first and then people. My heart was ready then for what I needed to hear and not just what I wanted in the moment. While I’m growing more comfortable in the knowledge that crisis will come…I also am sure that I will not be swayed bc my God is my firm foundation. The song firm foundation has been an anchor point for me lately and I’m grateful for the gift of music that calms my spirit in the midst of the storms.

Walking around on eggshells! This phrase makes my blood run cold and all the shame fills every part of my body when I hear it. It’s honestly my worst fear and yet I acknowledge people experience it around me. I wish it wasn’t the case, I wish people would experience me as approachable and safe…this is what I try to create.

What I’ve come to realize is that my big emotions are scary to others. Hell sometimes they’re scary to me too. However I don’t avoid them because of the strength that comes from them. What I realize is that more often than not others avoid them, and by default avoid me. I’m skilled at navigating and understanding what I feel. However to others it seems too much.

I’ve taken the too much and the fear others experience to be my responsibility to alleviate. The last time someone said the eggshell comment to me was the first time I paused and didn’t give any explanations. Instead I said it’s important that the people in my life stick with me, if you can’t I understand, however if you won’t give me the opportunity to walk through this together or the space to walk through it apart, than our relationship (in whatever capacity) can’t work.

I’ve decided I’m giving up on the responsibility to ensure everyone feels comfortable around me. Stopping from ensuring they are comfortable with my responses or emotions. Today I realize I rarely have been granted that luxury by others. Relationship is messy, in all it’s forms, we either get in and get dirty or we stay out of relationship and our carpets stay pristine. There is a reason I refuse to have coasters in my house and my response to stains/spills/breaking stuff is always “you matter more than stuff and it can be replaced”. I like some nice things, yet I love messy people more. Plus I can clean up when they leave, when I’m with them let’s get messy and let’s dive into the deepend. Emotions, fears, stories and all! Take me or leave me…this is still what remains!

Something I’ve come to understand more, as I fill a parental role. The desire to want something more for someone than they want for themselves. Hope even when evidence fails to show that it is warranted. The idea of forgiving 70 times 70 and new mercies every day. These concepts that I’ve been taught God exhibits felt so foreign and a farce until there is a kid in the picture.

I grew up with a desire to be the good girl. To do what was good and to not need help or grace, because there was none for me to offer to myself. It was always a pass/fail in my mind and I was always failing on my own and hated myself for it. However the older I‘be gotten the more I recognize the need to fail and to still be safe and received in safety.

I told K the other day that every time she tells me something I have hope that it will be true that time. Her actions have often shown me it is unlikely the truth, however the parent in me holds out hope it will be true THIS TIME! I’ve preached the definition of insanity and how it we cannot do the same thing expecting a difference result. However apparently that is what parenting sometimes looks like. Constantly believing that another chance will be the right amount of times for a new behavior to begin. That the motivation will be there this time.

Real talk, the human side of me wants to throw away Easter baskets and withhold gifts/kindness when disappointment and trust is broken time and time again. The Jesus within me asks me to forgive one more time and offer kindness and safety to return from failure again. I find myself saying words I hear God whisper to me often. You’re going to be ok…it’s not too much for me to handle…I love you even though…I love you more than you could ever know…the list goes on and on. I’m mesmerized by this experience and also wonder just how God does it, cause some days I am straight up exhausted…and yet I’m starting to believe Him and take him at his word. Cause for the first time in my life I’m starting to get it…and want to accept his grace.

This is Love, this is Foster care, this is the joyful deep end friends!

K stood before me sobbing. Late at night I’d stopped waiting for her and shown up to where I knew she was hiding from me. She laid out her fears and anger at the last 5 months and at me and while my heart broke and it was also resolute. I found myself saying something to her, that in turn healed something within me. She told me how I let her down in her darkest time and how everything that was supposed to help her, hurt her more and she didn’t know how I could do that to her. I told her it was ok to be mad at me, I could handle being the bad guy for her as she works through her story.

In the moment I wanted to give her my context and help her understand my intention and the bigger truth. Yet I am confident in that moment she couldn’t hear those things, she only needed for it to be ok to be mad at me and to be scared. Me telling her my perspective in that moment would only cause her to shrink, for her healing I need all the feelings to be safe to be felt and spoken.

As I said those words to K, my younger self felt relieved as she needed those words too. This parenting journey lives in the AND. In some moments I am both the bad guy to her AND I am her rescuer (with Jesus’ help) AND the choice that led to it was the best choice for the bigger picture. Her piece was hurt AND yet bc I made that choice I am healthier and more equipped to help her now. AND we both learned some hard lessons apart for what we took for granted. It’s not the way I wish we learned it, however it is the path the story unfolded. And for now I can handle being the bad guy because I know what is true and sometimes what feels bad is really for our good.

For now I will give permission so it’s not bubbling up inside of her consuming her. I remember how that felt in my own story. Now it’s in the open and I can ask about it, call it out and also show her the AND. My goodness the last 5 months hurt like hell AND also my soul is well!

This is not the end or the beginning, this is another chapter of the story God is writing that we get to be in together. It’s scary af AND the journey that makes me feel the most alive and resolute.

Hi to all my deependers!! It’s been awhile since I’ve had the capacity to write anything. I’d love to say it’s because life has been busy and I’ve been thriving. However, just like my kitchen calendar, I’ve been stuck in October. When things ended abruptly with the girls it crushed something in me and I haven’t figured out how to untangle it.

Seasonal depression seemed to invite itself in and I’ve been fighting to keep my mind above water. Increasing meds, talking to doctors and trying to just keep…moving. Busy days are best because when it slows down the ability to even get off the couch seems insurmountable.

I keep looking at the dates and holding on for the day when sunlight will return. When the afternoon sun will warm my face and the desire to move and engage will return. When the grief of this season will feel like a distant memory.

My therapist reminds me to sit in and feel the grief and not push it away. I often would like to push her away 🤪😂…because I can’t breathe some days from the weight of all the things I feel. So I lean in and feel it and swim up towards where the sunlight crests the water and my peace awaits.

I’ve had contact with all the girls, who’ve been in my home this past year, within the past few weeks. I’m working towards trust and relationship with the sisters as I discern what our future could look like. My mama’s heart yearns for their laughter and shenanigans to fill my silent home and my adult sense waits for relational stability wisdom.

This isn’t the only thing in my reality (oh the work & dating stories you’d need popcorn for) and yet it often feels like my world. I told my therapist that there was something that was awakened in me, something that finally made sense in me as their foster mom. This awakened part of me doesn’t know what to do with itself in this season. It cries out and is left to wail without response. I resist the urge to tie a bow on my life and journey. For those who this feels dark and like too much, I often say I’m too responsible for suicide so don’t worry for that portion. Worry about how our system treats foster kids. Worry for the kids that won’t have someone tell them they’re loved this season. Worry for kids who’s parents breed trauma in their children. Worry for the next generation. For me I will survive, so let me be sad, let me talk without a direction as I wrestle with this. For people who need tangible things, send random texts, food and gift cards as you desire…but most of all ask me “and now what”…and just listen 💜

Shattered picture frames, shattered hope, shattered peace, shattered dreams & my shattered heart. My mantra these days is that loving deeply means grieving deeply and it keeps me from regretting the choice to love and give myself fully to my call and my dreams.

In a nutshell the last month-ish has been full of trauma, police reports and navigating difficult things for my home. The cliff note version is it started with breaking up a fight of about 15 people who tried to jump one of the girls outside my door. Then escalating to multiple weekends of running away, people trying to break down my door, sneaking boys in (oh the stories I could tell), violating safety house rules on multiple levels and then what I didn’t think would ever happen…the process of removal.

One thing about me is that I’m rarely afraid in any surrounding. For the first time I’m dealing with fear of my surroundings and even being in my home. As each kick on the door sounded, with the glass still shattered and strewn about on the floor (from the destruction exit) my panic became deeper. I was locked in and no more safer than from the outside. The girl I love is no longer there as the lies/destructions woo became too much for her not to succumb to their lure.

Two weeks later and I still cry randomly, bring them up in conversation like they’re still here and work to rebuild what’s left behind. I honestly didn’t think my life would ever be without K, given the option, and I’m still in shock that all that remains are pictures of our time together and the memories held in my shattered heart.

I told my therapist I hate being sad and I’m ready for next…but I’m not. I’m not ok…and I hate that. I still go to work every day, I still make food, go grocery shopping, read and I still daily check my phone to see if they’ve called. I’ve closed my home till after the holidays, as I know the wisest thing to do is to make sure I’m good again before inviting children in. It’s hard to be “selfish” and not help in fostering when I know the need is great. The opportunity to reevaluate and pivot is here and so I get to use this season to do just that. It’s not how I planned to spend the holidays, however it is what’s happening.

I said recently that something came alive in me as a foster parent that now feels aimless. Someone reminded me that it’s still alive and just has the opportunity to find a new muscle and outlet. This experience is increasing my love muscle and expanding my capacity. I’m grateful for my church and my community that literally held me when I collapsed in grief as I tried to walk into church, sat with me while I waited multiple times for the police, sent me food and reminded me that this isn’t the end and it’s ok to stand up for myself too.

So here I sit in my home…alone. The house is quiet and the streets continue their noises and I often wonder if it’s the girls. My home feels empty, but this weekend I’m starting the process to reclaim the peace and safety within it. Twice in the last month someone has tried to knock down my door to bring harm and be lying if I said I wasn’t still jumpy…but I’ll keep moving. My physical barricades are down, the space being rearranged, the glass cleaned up (as I keep finding it) and my home getting “righted” (at least in the physical portion). This weekend I reset and prepare for how I will do battle back to “even” as I dig through the grief, the fear, the panic and the uncertainty. To be clear I do not regret my decision to be a single foster mom, to take K in (and the others that came along) and love her deeply and even with this “ending” I wouldn’t trade a thing. Cause I got to see how God can love me, no matter how many times I eff up and still show grace in boundaries…cause that’s what I got to do for 11 months. So here’s to the now, the new and the next all a product of what has been. Thanks for cheering me on friends and for diving in the joyful deepend!

The other night we were having a corrective conversation and ownership about some actions that violated our rules or expectations. It was a rough day for me and I was doing my best to keep my cool as we talked. I did better at some moments than others and when we got down to it what I needed was an apology.

Once we got to a point where we were as resolved as possible I moved on to a conversation with another of the girls about cleanliness and expectations. I was gentle and asked questions without statements to understand and gently offered to show her how to do better. The daughter I had just had the discussion with said “how do you do that?” How do you be kind, soft and gentle when you’re mad? She states that when she’s mad she flips out on the people she loves and can’t control it.

This gave me an opportunity to share some of the reasons I work really hard to not take my frustration out on a party that it isn’t directed to. If we love people they can’t be our punching bag, it’s not fair and they will only stay around for so long if that becomes a pattern. Plus the reality is that if I’m upset with her and use that tone to communicate she is going to shut off and not listen to anything I’ve said. It doesn’t get me or anyone what is needed. … plus I said “I’m a good person” 😂

She asked if I just foster and am nice because I want to get into Heaven. Apparently one of the girls was saying that’s why I take kids in. My response I’m going to Heaven because of my relationship with Jesus and not because of anything I do. I’m able to do kind things because of the work of Jesus and the Holy Spirit within me. And when you’re living a 2 decade in the making dream. It’s that much easier to walk in the challenging spaces.

As an empathetic person and a developer it often takes me a lot to give up on something or someone. I keep thinking if I try hard enough it will make the difference…after longer than enough I learn it really didn’t make a difference and no amount of try on my part could impact the outcome. This is excruciating for me to comprehend emotionally. I remember being in therapy years ago and talking through an emotionally abusive relationship I had been in. It took me forever to believe it wasn’t on me or my fault. That sometimes people are just people and unable to change or consider someone outside of themselves.

Recently I gave an ex a chance to connect. We had dated the better part of a year and I had ended it when it was clear we were in a cycle of nowhere good. There wasn’t a lack of feelings on his part, just communication, time & connection. Anyway I digress. I told him I couldn’t promise him anything but I would give him one meetup. He came back begging and telling me all the nice things about how beautiful & wonderful I was and how there was no other woman for him blah blah blah. So in an effort to not “be a bad person” I agreed to meet. Well not surprisingly he did what had been the pattern of our dating and when he finally arrived I was heated.

I spent a good amount of my teenage years and early twenties angry and boiling mad often. I hate being in that space and so I try really hard not to be in that position. As I’ve gotten older and paid attention to those moments and the triggers it’s become more clear what is happening. I’ve often felt silenced to express or be believed in my feelings or experience. This time I recognize the gaslighting and how the responsibility was being put on me. The responsibility to keep giving chances, to endlessly forgive, to be rejected and not expect accountability, to say only gentle things, to accept what is given even if it’s the opposite of what is wanted, to stay quiet and be grateful that anyone would want me and that should be enough. As I stood there looking at this man who previously had been part of me and in that moment I hated him. No…really I hated me. He represented what I hated about myself. The settling and accepting. The minimums being the maximum expected. The requirement of nothing….

I move mountains for those I love…except for myself because it’s taken me forever to feel kindness towards myself and a semblance of love. I keep waiting for someone to fight for me and I realized I couldn’t even set the tone for myself. And as I looked at this man I was disgusted, not in him (he’s not a bad person), disgusted in the mirror I saw. I saw a meme recently that said what you engaged with when you were broken will disgust you when you’re healed. I would have to stay broken to be with him and I couldn’t do it any longer.

He continued the pattern of pleading for my affection and attention and listing all the reasons I should give him another chance. In that moment I had enough and finally spoke, well really I yelled. I have only yelled at a man less than a handful of times in my life, because I believe in fighting fair. There was something that was unlocked in me as I yelled, shutting down the gaslighting, shutting down the excuses and setting the expectations for myself to accept. In that moment I was transported back a few years to a man that helped begin this pattern for me. A man that taught me to believe I deserved little and that loving him deeply was his to receive only. Enough is enough…silence isn’t my birthright. It’s hard not to accept something when nothing seems offered, yet I cling to truth of who I am and who’s I am and why I am holding on.

There is no easy way to say goodbye. Though I’ve been told see you later or so long can lessen there sting of it. For me it still feels like a gut punch that also is the right thing.

After 3 tumultuous months, where grace upon grace was extended, it is time to say goodbye to my 2nd girl and a piece of my heart. I could write a book at the things that transpired and what we walked through. What I know for sure is it taught me a ton and made me realize just how much I can withstand in the name of love and caregiving.

My commitment to my placements/kids have been that as long as I can keep them safe and no drugs and alcohol, that this could be the home for them. Well after a few violations, tries and grace, the culmination of 6 hours of driving around Baltimore, filing police reports and losing my “stuff” on a the desk clerk at the police department. Insert another reminder to men not to tell a woman to calm down when she is crying and asking for help, especially when her kid is in potential danger. So after schooling said clerk, on how to not talk to woman, in the midst of my hysterics, he quickly disappeared (not to return) while someone much more helpful was sent to deal with me. It became apparent that I could no longer keep her safe and had to honor my commitment to say goodbye when that occurred.

Instead of getting to say goodbye and end things well my girl chose to run away in an effort to not face time what would set her up for success. It breaks my heart just how much she has to walk with and not to be a part of her long term solution. The system is broken and my heart is shattered. My caseworker asked me the day after to let her know when I was ready to reopen my home and understood if it took a few days. Obviously I told her it was gonna take me a beat and I was going to redistribute my efforts to K and the full plate of my work/personal life for a bit.

There is a lot more than I can put on this blog, however this gives you a glimpse of our world right now. Thank you all who gave to her birthday wishlist, she squealed in excitement and loved all of them. I’m grateful to know people who are willing to shower strangers with kindness. The journey is long and I’m grateful to get to be on it regardless of the ups and downs that come with it. Thank you friends for diving into the deep end with me!

I saw this piece at the store this week and immediately felt tears come to the surface…I even paid full price (well TJMaxx full price) to put it in my home as a reminder!