#myloves

“So, how badly do we think our dinner is going to turn out?” II nudges my leg as he speaks, apparently desperate to change the topic but without turning his head to meet my eyes. “Terribly?” I grimace into my sleeve. “Unless Vess has been downplaying his cooking skills the way he does with every other thing he does, uh, I think we’re doomed.” - “Have some faith in us, Kid.” I jump and slump down at the teasing voice, having been so involved in the other two’s banter I barely noticed the door opening. With his usual amount of cockiness, III prances into the room to ruffle my hair. “We’ve got you, and me. In my humble opinion, that’s everyone we need to make a good dinner.” fixing my hair lightly, I twist my wrists to fit my palms into the sleeves of my shirt.

“We messed up pasta the last time we cooked together.” I deadpan as he walks away. “Well I got distracted when you started showing me those puppies on tiktok.” He whistles, throwing a look over his shoulder before beginning to put away the groceries. “Don’t worry, kid. None of us expect a michelin-star meal.” Vess smiles at me from the doorway, all open and cozy and perfectly mature as he bends down to pet my dog. “Yea, yea. Because perfectionism is an unknown concept to you people.” I don’t meet his eyes, unfolding my tightly-knit legs and stumbling into the kitchen.

III has moved to stand at the island, giving me a short grin as he reads through the recipe. “Enough with the pessimism, you debbie downers.” Vessel does a much worse job than I do at hiding his snort at the choice of words. The bassist ignores us, wrapping a long arm around my shoulder as he looks from one man to the other “The both of us are alright cooks, no need to sugarcoat. But I’ve put my mind to it, so it’s gonna be great.” With a theatrical nod, he leaves me alone to grab the first of the ingredients we need.

The others abandon their card game and come to linger around the kitchen island. “Oh great, you want to watch us fail as well, huh? Why don’t you just pull up doordash already?” I can’t help the sarcastic retort as I wash my hands, motioning for III to do the same. “Once I’ve figured out where the fire exstinguisher is, I’m bringing it here.” Ivy starts, and the other two are quick to back him up. “I’ve got the fire station on speed dial.” - “I’m handling the dog.”

With a halfway opened mouth, I look at Vessel as he nonchalantly picks up my dachshund. “What? I’d rather eat raw eggs than leave him behind.” rolling my eyes at the statement, I leave them to banter on without me. The bassist beside me leans down quickly. “I’m pretty sure he’d have to slurp raw eggs.” - “Thanks, I didn’t need like. need to know that, but thanks.” I fake gag before finally beginning to help.

We work in silence for a moment, simply letting the other three entertain us. I move back towards them at some point, the exact moment III opens the packed chicken. “Okay kid-” he trails off as he sees me on the other side of the island, already shaking my head. “Texture.” II laughs at me, leaving his spot and going to help III as he pushes me towards the stool “I’ll save you from your duties. you just sit tight before you start gagging.” And so I’m out there. No more cooking for me, at least I can’t burn anything now. Yay, or something.

Between the two of them, and my best attempt at input because II is worse than I’d thought, it takes abnormally long to prep everything, but at some point Ivy sets out our plates and our dinner is served. Scooting onto the couch, I take a backseat to the others’ conversation, simply eating as I ignore my dogs begging eyes. After a beat, his short legs carry him towards II, and I pretend not to see him feeding him some scraps.

“Good?” III taps my knee, motioning to the food. “uh, better than expected.” I hum in return, and he sends me a tiny smile as he scarves down his own portion. “Sorry I wasn’t of much help, I’ll wash up.” I mumble, pulling my knees to my chest as I set the plate down beside me. He just shakes his head, giving me a small sigh. “No need, Kid. I forgot about the touching thing.” he shrugs, “Not your fault that texture is scary.”

The conversation derails from there, but no matter how hard the bassist tries to wrap me up in their chaos, the lump in the back of my throat only grows, and I want nothing more than to throw on one of the mens’ hoodies so I can pretend to have been sucked into a pocket dimension. All of my earlier happiness at being invited by them is washed away, the only leftover feeling being a gnawing edge of insecurity as I watch them interact. Really, they must’ve pitied me.

Or maybe III put on his stupid puppy-eyes and convinced them.

Without the strength to sit here and let my thoughts run their course, I begin to gather some of the dishes, despite the bassists’ complaints. Making my way to the kitchen, I allow my shoulders to curl beneath my ears as I sigh deeply. With the plates in the sink, I turn around to grab the rest of them and retreat as quickly as I can. Unsteady hands fill the sink, and I go about cleaning everything off as quickly as I can trust myself, setting the dishes on the drying rack next to me. Slender hands make their way into my periphery, but I don’t dare look at the guitarist as he begins drying the things off. God, I can’t even clean some fucking plates now?

Gnawing at the inside of my cheek, I stay silent as we work, making sure to be quick so Ivy has less slack to pick up on. Mumbling out a quick ‘thank you’ to him, I escape once again. “I’m gonna go”… breathing slowly, I cringe at the lack of conviction in my voice, “Get some air”

Shuffling along quietly, I don’t wait for a response before pulling open the door to the balcony. One deep breath in, and one out. Running my hands through my hair, I try my hardest not to pay any mind to my racing thoughts. The streets below me are cast in a warm glow, and I lean on the railing to watch the cars pass. I should’ve declined their invitation. Initially, that was my actual plan, but I thought I could handle it, so I came.

Evidently, I failed at that. Leaning my head on my arms, I ignore the shiver the wind sends down my spine. A moment later, heavy fabric is thrown at me, and I basically leap off the balcony right then and there.

“You’ll catch a cold, kid.” III pulls me from my spiraling thoughts, staning right beside me. “Sorry.” - “don’t be, I’m not gonna be the one feeling like shit. Plus, I would barely mind playing nurse for you.” shrugging on his hoodie, I send him a short glance before turning back towards the street. We’re silent for a moment, and the inside of my cheek bleeds with the effort of trying to find something to say. “What’s on your mind?” groaning, I hide my face from him. “Nothing.” - “Liar”

oh well, not like this night could get worse.

“Sorry.” - “Stop that.”

rolling my eyes, I focus on counting cars. “Don’t do this to yourself. You should go back inside and play that stupid game with the others.” his body turns, but my hopes of his retreat erupt in a puff of smoke as he simply faces me. “Well, I want to be here with you though, so suck it up.” swallowing around the lump in my throat, I still don’t meet his eyes. “Go have fun, I won’t be much help there.” before I know it, he’s taken a step closer, and I just know he’s giving me a soft, mushy kind of look. In an effort not to spill my heart to him, I refuse to meet his eyes. “Oh kid.” he breathes deeply, his voice getting carried away by the wind. “It’s not about fun, you know?” i don’t so I stay quiet, “And I doubt I could be having any with you mulling around out here.”

“I can go” The words leave my lips before I can stop it, and I sink to the floor with my head in my hands as my fuck-up dawns on me. “That would make it worse.” he whispers, sliding to the ground next to me. “What’s wrong? Are we overwhelming you?” focusing on his lap, I see the twitch of his fingers, but he doesn’t reach out to touch me. Fuck. “No, uh.” trying my hardest to gather myself, I ignore the crack of my heart as I notice how hesitant he is right now. And uncomfortable.

“Sorry.” he huffs at theweak word “For fucks sake, no need to apologize. You’ve done nothing wrong. If anything, you’ve been tending to us like babies, and you’re the guest!” tears gather at the edges of my vision, I’ve fucked it up. All this time, I thought I was being too little, and so I ended up being too much. A faint scratching sound reaches my ears, and I sigh as III gets up to open the door.

Buh-bye

But he just opens the door for a moment, and my dog runs out to get cozy on my lap. Scratching behind his tiny ears, I distract myself from the reality of my predicament. “Come on now.” III coos, having spotted the tremble in my fingertips. “You’ve done nothing wrong, you know?” for gods sake, how does he always know? “I mean it.” I stay silent, too occupied with keeping my feelings at bay. “Okay.” I hum, too quiet for my liking.

“Talk to me, I’m getting cold here.” he huffs, but his eyes are calm when I meet them. “I don’t know how to make it make sense.” - “Well that’s to be expected, because it doesn’t. So lay it on me any way.” rolling my eyes, I can’t help but send him a glare, eyes dry with how senseless he’s being. “You’re an asshole, you know that?” he lets out a fake ‘ouch’ at that, grinning from ear to ear. “I, uh. Didn’t feel like I was making that invitation worthwhile?” he looks as confused as I am at the statement, but his silence calms me more than it should.

“I don’t know, man. I just-” tears, oh here we go. “You all know each other so well, and you work so perfectly. I felt like I was just… there. You know?” the wuestion is rethorical, and even if he had wanted to answer, I wasn’t about to let him. “I’d like to speak, like to be a part of it. But sometimes I don’t know what to say. And once I’ve figured it out, the conversation has shifted. Or when I do know what to say, I don’t get the words out properly and then I just embarrass myself. Like some idiot. I’ either too little or too much.”

Perfectly still, he allows me to finish my rambling. “I don’t fit. For some reason. And a big part of me didn’t even want to come because I know I was just gonna sit on that couch and pretend I don’t recognize the pity in your eyes.”

I barely noticed the stray tears that left my eyes, but his long fingers wipe them away wordlessly. “I didn’t even know you felt that way, kid. I’m sorry.” shaking my head, he shushes me before I can speak up again. Lifting my legs, he slots our bodies together so that we’re caught in a conjoined criss-cross, with my dog in our laps still. “I didn’t know you thought our invitation came with expectations. I don’t, and the idiots in there certainly feel the same way, expect you to entertain us when you come around. We invite you because we want you close. On quiet days and loud ones. When you’re confident and when you’re not.”

The words hang in the air between us, and his hand brushes mine as we pet the dachshund together. “Don’t break yourself to make us comfortable, kid. You know when I had that stupid fucking haircolor that I messed up and got all spotty? You noticed, and let me know. Just like that, without judgement or laughter. You were calm, and honest and then you went out of your way to fix it for me. It wasn’t anything special, but it meant so much to me that I could trust you like that. I really like that about you. You’re trustworthy, and while you don’t always know what to say, or do, your presence alone sets off such a big wave of calmness in my heart, I can’t help but want you close to me. And I like the way you laugh, it only really comes out when it’s just the two of us, but it’s so light, and free and it feels like the sun’s just come up. And I want to cradle it in my palms and guide it across the sky. Keep you safe”

He pulls me a bit closer. “When I first introduced you to the others, you know the first thing Ivy said?” I just shake my head, tearful eyes meeting his on the cold balcony. “’They’re so fucking pretty, III.’ No lie here. ‘I swear I don’t know them well, but if anybody ever hurts them, I would kill everyone in this room and then myself.’” laughing quickly, I hide my face in my hands. “He quoted Rosa from brooklin-99?” he giggles along with me. “Yup, you’re that little puppy in his eyes. In all of their eyes.” a cold finger meets my chin, and he raises my head to look at him. “They love you, kid. I love you. With every rough edge and insecurity. You wanna know why? Because you’re not into all that ‘false perfection’ thing. You’re imperfect, and real. And that’s worth so fucking much. I want you to know that.”

I just stare at him, tears dripping down my cold cheeks as I begin to sniffle, “Oh, my love.” he coos, wrapping himself around me as I begin to weep in his arms. Clutching his bicep and ducking into his side, he calmly pets my hair for a moment. “Let it out, I’m sorry we didn’t talk about it earlier. I don’t like seeing you break your own heart.” a few moments of occasional sniffles later, a wet, tiny tongue darts up my chin, and I jerk my head away from it.

A small yelp comes from above my head, and I flounder away in his arms as he leans back, clutching his own chin. “Oh, my god! I’m so sorry, did I hurt you?” grabbing his cheeks, I inspect his face. “I’m good, all good. Startled me is all.” he laughs at me, pulling me close to rest my head on his shoulder again. “The little guy’s right though, let’s clean your tears.” humming to himself quietly, I sink into his hoodie as he wipes away at my cheeks. With pittering paws, my dog runs towards the door, jumping right at II as he opens it.

“Get inside, you losers. Just because it’s July doesn’t mean the cold isn’t gonna make you sick. If you stay here one more minute, Ves is going to put on some tea and pounce on you like a worried mother.” he grumbles out, but the small smile on his face betrays his actual emotions. In a flurry of newfound comfort, I reach a hand out to him, and he takes it. With a firm tug, I’m standing beside him and he uses his chance to wrap an arm around my shoulder. “Thank god,” III grumbles from the floor. “My leg was falling asleep.”

Rolling my eyes, I tap his knee with my foot. “Don’t be dramatic, bassy.” the drummer laughs, and with his hand still on my shoulder, he pecks the side of my head before dragging me inside.

Ivy pulls me down onto the couch between him and Ves, and I shoot the singer a tiny smile as he looks at me wearily. “I’m better, sorry if I was weird.” A collective ‘Stop apologizing’ is yelled through the apartment, and a smile cracks open on my face. “There they are. The little sunshine.” III laughs as he steps inside, throwing himself down on the couch and straight into our laps.