#journalentry

Today didn’t feel productive at all.

Classes in my master’s program feel useless and like a waste of time. One day I might go into detail, but it just feels very infantilising and as if I’m not learning anything about how to be a teacher. This is only my second week of class, so I’m trying to not be so negative or feel so frustrated, but still.

I didn’t do any work after class. I wanted to, but felt so frustrated and unmotivated that I just couldn’t get myself to.

This past Thursday, I heard a song that had me visualize simultaneously sitting and walking slowly through an open field of flowers. I wanted to find more songs that gave me this feeling, so I posted the question, "what are songs that make you feel like a field of flowers?", to my Instagram story. The first response I got was a calming orchestral tune, similar to the soothing jazz song I based my own "field of flowers" feeling on. However, as more responses came in, I noticed differences in tone with each song, causing my visualization of the field to change. One was romantic and hyper-sexual, with music I can't describe other than floaty. These flowers swayed, afloat above the field. Another, named quite fittingly, "Standing In The Middle Of The Field", had a gentle dance beat and remained on the cusp of relaxing; these flowers danced and smiled.

I realized the way I stated the question wasn't how the original song made me feel. The jazz song had me *in* a field of flowers while the responses made me visualize the fields themselves.

"What are songs that make you *feel* like a field of flowers?" They weren't sending me songs to sit in a field and ponder upon, they were sending me their flowers.

The final response I got was the most surprising; bouncy, fun, energetic, and at times hectic. These flowers were having a party!

The variety of songs I received proved to me that everyone's flowers are different and constantly evolving. My flowers change throughout the day all the time!! That only makes them more beautiful. It's time I learn to collect each flower and share my bouquet.

Songs referenced in this journal excerpt-

Tezeta - Mulatu Astatke

Amore mio aiutami - Pierro Piccioni

Standing In The Middle Of The Field - Cut Copy

Summer Song - Remy Bond

☆ LoCo (Local Coffee)'s Créme Brûlèe Latte ☆

i wouldn’t have invalidated your reasons. i wouldn’t have made you feel like your choices didn’t deserve to be heard. because when it comes to people i care about, i listen. i try. i look at things from every angle before saying anything, because i know how it feels to not be heard — to speak up and still feel like your voice doesn’t matter.

i grew up with that. with being misunderstood. with being told i was wrong without even being given a chance to explain. and maybe that’s why i learned to extend so much patience. maybe that’s why i always try to see where others are coming from, even when they’re not making it easy.

but when it’s me, suddenly there’s no space for that same understanding. suddenly i’m too much, too difficult, too wrong. and it hurts — because i never wanted to win an argument, i just wanted to feel like someone actually tried to understand me.

and what makes it worse is when it’s coming from the people closest to me. the people who know my heart. the people who should know better.

Date: Waning Crescent Moon, Early Spring

Ivy says we didn’t choose them—they chose us. I think she just didn’t want to admit she’s becoming a full-blown cat lady.

It started with Thistle.

He just appeared one morning, sitting on the porch rail like he'd been watching us sleep. Black as midnight, one eye gold, the other green. He didn’t meow—just stared at Ivy like he knew her.

She stared right back. And then opened the door without a word.

Now he sleeps in her cauldron (when it’s cold), guards the basement stairs, and hisses at the wind like he’s got beef with it. Ivy calls him her “watcher.” I think he might actually be older than she is.

The second one was Wisp.

A silver tabby who… well, comes and goes. One minute she’s on the windowsill. The next? Gone. No sound. No pawsteps. Just vanished like a breeze with whiskers. Ivy swears she’s real, but I’m not entirely sure I didn’t dream her up during a lavender tea-induced nap.

Wisp purrs like a little ghost and bats at the pendant around my neck when she thinks I’m not looking.

And then there’s Maple.

Big, fluffy, ginger—and ridiculously affectionate. She flopped into my lap the moment she came inside and has basically never left it. Sleeps by my feet. Follows me when I go into the garden. Growls (adorably) at Vlad if he so much as passes by the cottage.

Ivy says Maple reminds her of someone. She won’t say who. But I think it’s my mom.

So now it’s official: We live in a two-witch, three-cat, one-llama, six-chicken cottage of utter chaos and absolute magic. I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

Except maybe some lint rollers.

A secret 

Don’t hold too tightly

I’m Fragile

A secret to hold 

Manufactured for the shadows 

I miss the light 

I wish I could leave that life behind

But guilt keeps me there

It holds me in a way i was taught is comfortable

I have become accustomed to the grip 

A grip so tight

My actions are counter intuitive 

There is a photograph, of us

Early days, it was good

Fresh and uncertain

When it was fun

It isn’t a very good photograph

𝐓𝐨 𝐅𝐞𝐞𝐥 𝐁𝐮𝐭 𝐍𝐨𝐭 𝐓𝐨 𝐒𝐡𝐨𝐰 :

| : A mini journal entry on being in love and lacking the ability to show it. : |

While scrolling Instagram today, I came across a post. It was just a picture of a man laying on the grass and below him in huge text, made with colorful flowers, read, "A person can be in love and also be unprepared to care for that love." - Diego Perez. 🗨

And I just sat there staring at it, pondering to myself all the people I had poured my heart into, all the friends that I would give up my 8 hours of sleep for, and every relationship that left me more than just depleted but in the negatives. 🗨

In one way, it was telling me, "Look how far you've come." As well as, "You have a long way to go too." 🗨

After a few days of training with the bow, I decided to take those newfound skills out for a spin. I faced my first Black Diablos, and I can say the hunt went waaay smoother than I expected. Definitely an improvement from my clunky performance pre-training!

I spent a significant amount of time poring through the Play Guide, going through tips and tutorials of the game that I hadn't been familiar with before. I took a moment to go through the camera settings and set the camera to Focus, so I could have 24/7 visibility of the monster once I locked on to it. This could limit my vision of my surroundings, but it could prove helpful on focused hunts. At this point in time, I should be accustomed to the locales' environments after all. Emphasis on should.

I familiarized myself again with the Item Box—what items I equipped, my armor stats and my weapon. I also found out that my current Zinogre bow does NOT accept any other coating than the Power coating, and that was after I had stocked up on the other coatings already. Bummer.

Upon facing the Black Diablos, I did my best to apply the bow's movesets from my training. I utilized the Charged Shot to Thousand Dragon combo, and tried my best to take aim at its weak parts, which I discovered to be its wings and hide. I don't know if the head is considered weak, though, since the damage numbers weren't appearing as orange, but I was able to break the horn, as well as its wings, before the 30-minute mark.

The local Felynes, a Palico furr-iend, and Turf Wars with the Diablos and Brachidios helped in making the hunt run smoothly. I did consume all my First Aid Meds and almost all of my potions, but I managed to timely dodge a few Black Diablos surprise attacks from its burrowing state.

I was able to land many of my shots, and was more aware of the reticle showing whether the attack was going to result in a critical hit. Something thatI took advantage of. I also managed to perform the hit-and-dodge technique of the bow pretty well, albeit not perfectly.

It was a good first hunt after a long time. Of course, that was still a hunt from the HR quests, so I know that the Master Rank quests will pose more formidable threats.